Did you miss me? Tee hee... As always, credits and virual!hugs'n'cookies go to:

LetyBaroque, who asked for Rule 360.

Scotius, who gave me Rules 383, 384, 385, 389, 391 and 393.

Shadows-of-Realm, who wanted to see Rules 374, 375 and 376.

cookiemoimoi, who gave me the prompts for 370, 371, 373, 377, 386 and 387.

And Jen-NCIS-Lover, who inspired Rules 378, 379, 380, 381 and 388.

And now here's the next batch, hot out of the oven...


Everyone on base was an idiot as far as Carson was concerned.

Personally, he blamed Elizabeth for making him write the Rulebook in the first place. The number of accidents was up over two hundred percent and rising, and he was seriously considering running off to pick a fight with a passing Wraith. He let out a sigh as he stared at his laptop, where he was compiling the latest Rules.

"What's up, doc?"

Beckett spun around to see John hovering in the doorway to his office, a cheeky grin on his boyish face.

"Hullo, lad," he answered, rubbing a hand over his face. "I was just adding the latest instalment to this growing nightmare of mine."

John chuckled and moved closer to peer at the screen over his friend's shoulder. "Aw, but we love it, Carson," he replied innocently, ignoring the strangled growl. "And besides, you obviously haven't heard the latest..."

Carson lowered his head to the desk and started banging it as John started talking...

Rule 360: Those members who own pets are reminded that they have a responsibility to care for them.

A. That means you have to wash and groom them.

B. Have you SEEN the size of the fleas they're carrying?

It was official – Atlantis had an infestation of scarily large fleas thanks to the troupe of alien beasts and Carson was half a breath away from literally killing all of their respective owners. (Well, that wasn't strictly true – Rodney had been taking excellent care of Angus and had an uncanny knack for shooting the fleas on the spot. He hadn't missed one yet.)

The fact that there were fleas the size of mice didn't bother the Scotsman. It wasn't that he was annoyed about being inundated with patients who had ugly looking bite marks, or even the knowledge that the expedition had found Bella's only weak spot (she was terrified of fleas.)

No, the thing that pushed his stress levels far higher than any human being should ever experience was the fact that his beloved alien wolf Fred now had them. Smoky, Bill and Ben were banned from the Infirmary and their respective owners were trying to figure out the best way to go on the lam.

Rule 361: If you find food that it well past its sell-by date, for the love of God, DO NOT EAT IT!!!

SGA-15 were normally fairly sensible compared to the other off-world teams, and everyone was shocked to discover that they'd been the cause of this particular rule. Sgt Jergen had been suggested a game of Truth or Dare, which ended up with all of his team under Carson's care after eating some MREs that were well past their use-by date.

Apparently, the new species of fungus covering said military rations hadn't put the team off...

Several stomach pumps, more vomit than Carson had ever seen in his life (not to mention what was happening at the other end) and fifteen ruined bedpans later, and the Scotsman was beginning to wonder how SGA-15 ever passed boot camp.

Rule 362: Do not run whilst carrying fizzy drinks.

A. Especially not if it's Coca-Cola.

John hadn't learnt his lesson from the incident in the mess hall, where he'd used Carson's bottle of Coke to put out a fire. This time, he was jogging down the hall with a bottle of said drink in his hands. He was trying to appease Carson after the SGA-15's latest show of idiocy. Unfortunately, despite his high IQ, the Air Force man had forgotten his basic physics.

Like, for instance, if you shake up a bottle of fizzy pop and then open it, the contents will spray everywhere.

A drenched Carson was too angry to speak. Not only had he been soaked through with the sticky liquid, John had wasted an entire bottle of his favourite drink. Ronon had to break up the ensuing fight and Rodney hastily added this rule in to let everyone know that getting between Beckett and his Coca-Cola was very dangerous indeed.

Rule 363: All 'Trust' games are suspended indefinitely.

The explosives experts had challenged the Marines to a game of Trust, which was about as safe as asking a Wraith to give you a hug. The explosives experts started it first by purposely not catching their Marine counterparts. The Marines had then retaliated by falling over when the person they were meant to be catching did.

By the time Carson broke it up, both sides were openly cheating by calling names out to distract the people on catching duties. After treating the worst of the injuries, Beckett banned the sport and called them all some rather rude names. In Gaelic. With gestures.

Rule 364: Chairs were made for sitting in, not rocking.

A. Or for playing 'forts'.

B. Or as impromptu footballs.

C. Don't make me ban sitting, children.

Carson yelled himself hoarse at John and Rodney, threw a bedpan at Lorne and then locked himself in his office and let Fred chase them and the rest of the perpetrators around the city.

For three days.

Rule 365: 'Human Dominos' is not to be played anywhere on base.

Having been banned from playing Trust, the explosives experts started a craze for human dominos. When several people were involuntarily crushed, Carson started laughing hysterically. Drs Cole and Morrison dealt with the casualties and then craftily sedated their boss before he lost it completely.

Rule 366: Stop jumping out of moving Jumpers, John!

Rodney had insisted that Carson post this rule after the feral-haired pilot went on another of his suicide missions. As soon as John woke up again, he had to face Carson and Rodney – who were both extremely pissed off.

A part of him really wished he'd been more successful at the suicide part...

Rule 367: Paper plane slingshots are not to be used in the Gate Room.

Chuck had designed and built a fully functioning paper plane sling shot that propelled the handmade crafts at an impressive speed. Said slingshot was promptly confiscated by Carson after a 'battle' in the Gate Room resulted in three people bleeding severely, and someone else being almost blinded.

Chuck was still upset.

Rule 368: The male expedition members are reminded that the ladies' bathroom is strictly off limits.

A. Don't upset the girls.

B. They get aggressive when it's... THAT time of the month.

C. And what the hell were you doing in there anyway?!

Women and PMT – quite possibly the most dangerous combination in existence, and yet still some of the male members of staff pushed their luck. Carson shook his head sadly as he finished patching up Corporal Sanchez, who had been rescued last minute from being lynched, and advised him to find somewhere quiet to hide for the next four days.

Rule 369: Personnel are not allowed to bite each other.

A. Even if you got bitten first.

B. GROW UP!!!

SGA-12 needed serious professional help. To be fair, it wasn't their fault that the 'fight' started – SGA-8 had been teasing them about the time they spent as dragons. Captain Gregory of SGA-12 snapped and bit SGA-8's technical adviser, Dr Tin. It got ugly after that, and Carson was disturbed to say the least.

Rule 370: Dr Beckett wishes to remind all expedition members that, while funny, tampering with a colleague's shower is not professional.

A. Even if it's Kavanaugh's.

Radek had messed around with the Chemist's shower, intending to set it so that it only gave out cold water. Unfortunately, he pressed the wrong button (he hadn't been wearing his glasses at the time) and Kavanaugh was back in the Infirmary with second degree burns down his back.

Radek was still hiding.

Rule 371: Do not fly kites while drunk.

A. Or if the Marines are around.

B. You know how trigger-happy they can be.

SGA-14 had thought it would be a nice way to spend their afternoon off, and it was – to begin with. Then they decided that it would be much better to have a few beers while flying their kites. Due to their inebriation, they didn't spot the Marines until it was too late.

Later that day, the team was in the Infirmary getting the bollocking of their lives from Beckett. Across the ward, John was doing the same with his Marines. It really wasn't SGA-14's hangovers any...

Rule 372: No more silly string.

Carson didn't even want to know who'd done it or where they'd gotten it, but he was amazed to find that the product could be used to trip people up if enough of it was sprayed. He confiscated all the supplies and stashed them in his office, reasoning that they might come in handy the next time SGA-1 were his guests.

Rule 373: Please refrain from painting the Daedalus.

A. Yes, it looked very impressive in that lovely shade of pink, but Colonel Caldwell wasn't impressed.

B. And Hermiod actually swore in English.

The crew of the Daedalus were not to be messed with.

EVER.

After twenty-three people were admitted with 'beaming bends', Carson went berserk. Elizabeth, meanwhile, had to try and broker peace talks with the Colonel and the Asgard... which was a lot easier said than done.

Rule 374: Do not bring live Wraith back into the city.

In his defence, John hadn't known that the Wraith drone had leapt through the Gate after him. He honestly thought he'd killed them all, but then again, the Wraith were as persistent as they were menacing. Thankfully, the Gate Room guards soon took care of their unwanted house guest, but not before John had been flung with considerable force into one of the windows.

Carson told him off as he patched up the worst of the cuts, but it was mainly worry not anger. He certainly taught John a lesson he'd never forget though, when he pulled out a large bore needle to administer the antibiotics...

Rule 375: Ronon's sparring sessions are not to be used as impromptu betting games.

A. We know it was you, Colonel Sheppard.

B. And we know how much money you made...

Rodney, Carson, Teyla and Elizabeth were furious. John had fled to the mainland until they'd calmed down. Ronon, on the other hand, didn't see what all the fuss was about.

Rule 376: Under no circumstances whatsoever should anyone administer the Wraith retrovirus to Colonel Sheppard.

When one of the new Medics accidentally administered the retrovirus to John, everyone freaked out. Bug-Sheppard was back...

Thankfully, Carson still had some supplies of the antidote from the last time John had transformed, and the Colonel was back to normal in no time. Unfortunately, his hair was still slightly blue...

Rule 377: The Gate Technicians are reminded that I banned paper planes for a reason.

A. I don't CARE if your version of the Daedalus was cool.

B. Pack it in or I'll send Bella down there to break it up.

Chuck was proving to be one hell of a rebel. In retaliation for Carson confiscating his paper plane slingshot, the Canadian technician built a very impressive paper replica of the Daedalus. Even cooler was the fact that he'd bribed Miko into creating a miniature version of the Asgard beaming weapon...

When Carson started to hear reports of casualties, he flipped out completely. Chuck was now on KP duty for six months and had had more 'vitamin' shots than were really necessary.

Rule 378: Elastic band slingshots are not to be used in public.

A. We still have Genghis and we're not afraid to use him.

The madness continued and this time, the Command Staff were ready. After treating a variety of odd injuries, Carson found out that the Marines had elastic band slingshots that were closely modelled on Chuck's paper plane version.

Oddly enough, when they threatened to switch the robot on, the culprits stopped.

Rule 379: 'Cops and Robbers' is only to be played in wide open spaces.

SGA-11 and 13 decided to play 'Cops and Robbers' – in the middle of the conference room. After Dr Yale nearly got himself impaled on one of the tables, Carson posted this rule.

Rule 380: Arithmophobia is not an excuse.

A. You'll just have to close your eyes and think happy thoughts.

B. If you're very good, I'll give you a lollipop.

C. And if one more person claims that they suffer from Trypanophobia...

Carson accepted that some people had a genuine phobia of needles and he tolerated that. However, three quarters of the base suddenly developed the affliction. And when people started to use Trypanophobia (the irrational fear of medical procedures involving needles) as an excuse, he was starting to get a little bit annoyed.

Rule 381: The Marines are not allowed to play Hide and Seek.

A. Especially if it's in the dark.

The Marines plus beer plus an unhealthy obsession with children's games equalled a lot of casualties and an irate Scotsman.

Rule 382: Would all male expedition members kindly remember not to touch the chocolate brownies when it's 'you know when' time.

A. The girls get mean.

B. And you'd be surprised at just how much damage a set of nails can do.

As if the bathroom incident hadn't been a big enough warning, now Carson had casualties from the 'Brownie Caper'. He was seriously considering ordering all the men on base to sit through the sex education videos again...

Rule 383: You cannot make popcorn using Tava Beans, so stop trying.

A. The Daedalus is only a week away and Colonel Caldwell has assured us that there is plenty of popcorn in the cargo hold.

B. Dr Beckett is on the verge of going spare, so suck it up and stop whining or be prepared to suffer the consequences.

Due to a nameless clerk's mistake with a requisition form, all the popcorn supplies intended for Atlantis ended up in Rammstein Air Base. Needless to say, there was nearly a mutiny when it was discovered that instead of goodies, they had twenty extra boxes of shaving cream. Deprived of their favourite snack, members of the expedition started searching for an adequate surrogate...

Soon the Infirmary was swamped with indigestion cases, and a seething Carson had demanded an intervention from Elizabeth. The dark haired woman was sure that General Landry was going to request psych evals for everyone in the city if they kept it up.

Rule 384: The next person to mess with the medical supplies will be fed to Fred – with the Command Staff's blessing.

A. Hands off, you lot, or there'll be hell to pay.

Someone had been feeling mischievous and applied a generous amount of itching powder to all the fresh sheets, towels and scrubs in the Infirmary's storage. Inevitably, SGA-1 landed themselves in Beckett's care again (after pissing off some natives who had really big swords) and were the first to discover the sabotage. The next week was hell on Earth for the good doctor and his staff, and before his patients were released, the Scotsman started to look at his bigger scalpels and bone saws with a terrifying longing...

Rule 385: Innocent until proven guilty is in force on Atlantis too, John,

A. You have no proof against Dr Kavanaugh, so stop harassing him.

Convinced that the pony-tailed Chemist was the culprit behind the 'Itching Powder Misery', Sheppard decided to take revenge on him – and the rest of his team went along with his evil scheme happily. Over the course of the next week, Kavanaugh found a very hungry Angus locked in his room and his entire laundry got mixed with used diapers. Ronon, meanwhile, had started to use the Chemist's lab as his favourite spot for practicing his knife throwing, and finally, his quarters were spectacularly jettisoned from the city. Rodney had smiled innocently and claimed it was due to a 'security system malfunction' and then went to join the rest of his team as they happily watched it sinking in the ocean.

Rule 386: Do not throw blue Jello around.

A. I've already banned food fights.

B. You'll upset Ronon and Dr McKay.

C. You REALLY don't want to upset Ronon and Dr McKay.

SGA-5 and 9 had been having an argument over the merits of different desserts and one thing had led to another. When the rest of the mess hall joined in, the resulting food fight was spectacular. It was only when everyone was cleaning up that they discovered that the last crate of blue Jello had been nobly sacrificed to the cause...

When Rodney and Ronon heard about the incident, everyone went into hiding. After all, the Satedan could kill a man with one hand, while McKay knew the inner workings of the city inside out. And after three people were admitted to the Infirmary following 'accidents', Carson put his foot down.

Rule 387: Dr Simpson and Dr Kavanaugh are not allowed to be left alone together.

A. Seriously.

B. It's not what you think, people...

Dr Simpson and Dr Kavanaugh had a very clear cut working relationship – they hated each other. To be fair, most of the expedition wasn't overly fond of the pony-tailed man, but Dr Simpson loathed him with a passion that was frightening to behold.

When the two of them got stuck in a malfunctioning transporter, Carson was shocked to find Kavanaugh unconscious when the doors were finally freed. Simpson simply gave him a sweet smile and escorted the med team to the Infirmary – where she was given some ice for her now bruised knuckles.

Rule 388: All off-world teams are reminded that they are not to imitate characters from movies whilst on missions.

A. Don't make me ban the DVD player...

SGA-10 had been assigned to check out M6S-234 – which turned out to be a rainforest planet. And when they found some sturdy looking vines, they simply couldn't resist the urge to swing on them a la Tarzan...

Carson's unbridled Scottish wrath was soon unleashed when the team limped through the Gate with an assortment of broken appendages. And their 'but you only said we couldn't swing off the balconies in the city' argument wasn't working as well as they'd hoped.

Rule 389: All newly found Ancient devices are to be reported and deposited in Lab One, under Dr McKay's care.

SGA-2 had struck again. On his latest mission, Lt Stackhouse found and activated a small, handheld device that instantly turned his skin and hair bright green. After Dr Singh confirmed that the effects were harmless and temporary, the team decided to work on their reputation by pulling a prank on the Medical Department. They smuggled the device back to Atlantis and soon became regular guests in the Infirmary as victims of a mysterious, pigmentation altering condition.

The prank ran for a record breaking two weeks, until Carson became so depressed and discouraged by his inability to discover a successful treatment that he decided to tender his resignation from the Chief of Medicine position.

The next morning, SGA-2 waited in his office with the now neatly packed up device, Sgt Estevez's famous apple pie and a big banner saying 'We're very sorry, Doc. Please don't leave us'.

Rule 390: Never mess with a soldier's geek.

A. You'll get hurt.

Dr Parrish had been the victim of a prank gone bad and was now in the Infirmary with a broken leg. When Lorne found out about the damage inflicted on his geek, he went on the warpath. Thankfully, the Major soon found out the identity of the person responsible without too many innocent casualties.

Needless to say, Carson wasn't too happy to have to patch the unfortunate Dr Trevanian up – and was even less impressed when he found out why he was doing so...

After the loveable Scot had finished with him, Dr Trevanian couldn't sit for a week and a half.

Rule 391: Puppets are not allowed off-world.

Dr Peters turned out to be not only a talented linguist, but a gifted ventriloquist. He had even brought a puppet from Earth, which he often used to entertain both the Athosian children and many expedition members with great success.

Unfortunately, his decision to take the puppet on an off-world mission when he was asked to act as SGA-3's geek until Dr Parrish was cleared for duty again turned out to be a massive mistake. The priests on P5Y-10 pronounced the 'talking wood' a form of black magic and ordered Peters and the rest of SGA-3 to be burned at the stake for heresy.

Luckily, SGA-1 and 7 were able to rescue Lorne's team in time – and Carson was so relieved that he only had to deal with first and second degree burns that he didn't even rant at them.

Parrish, on the other hand, gave Lorne an earful and made his team-mate promise not to go on any more missions until he was back on his feet.

Rule 392: Hair dye is to be used in moderation.

After the Bug-Sheppard incident, John's hair was still blue. Carson was shocked when the rest of SGA-1 dyed their hair to match their team leader's, claiming that they were doing it out of solidarity. Nobody really objected to the new look of Atlantis' premiere away team, but the rest of the off-world teams decide that they wanted in on the trend. Now each SGA team had a set hair colour and Carson was fed up of having to treat all the skin allergies and peroxide-induced headaches.

Rule 393: The rule concerning new pets is now extended to artificial ones.

It had all started when SGA-2 became jealous of some of the other teams (or their pets, to be precise). Despite the fact that Dr Singh wasn't keen of animals and Sgt Estevez never had anything bigger than a hamster, but the other two members were animal lovers through and through. Although they came from different backgrounds (Stackhouse was born and raised in the suburbs while Jenkins was a farm boy), they had always had dogs around before joining the military.

The sight of Fred and Angus (although he was more of a cat) trotting around the city happily with their respective owners awakened happy memories and spurred their competitiveness. Since they couldn't bring back any animals to Atlantis without breaking a direct order, the four conspirators decided to use a newly found loop hole in the 'no new pets' rule. Acquiring the help of Radek, who didn't like animals but secretly wanted to one-up and irritate Rodney, the team got to work.

After a week of furious tinkering and brainstorming, SGA-2 proudly presented their newest 'member' to the unsuspecting population of Atlantis. The mechanical beast that trotted between Lt Stackhouse and Corporal Jenkins was a sight to behold. It looked like something out of a James Cameron movie and could only be described as 'Cujo meets Terminator'. Only slightly smaller than Fred, it easily weighed three hundred kilos, had a titanium skeleton, Kevlar reinforced carbon plating, a full set of broad spectrum scanners, a control system salvaged from an un-repairable Jumper and an impressive set of laser sharpened fangs. 'Milo' – as the team had lovingly called their mascot – was met with amazed silence but everything was fine... until the 'mecha-dog' came into the vicinity of Colonel Sheppard.

The Ancient based systems that made up Milo reacted immediately to the pilot's super strong ATA gene – and John was instantly flattened on the floor by a now happily yapping and excitable mass of metal and plastic. Luckily for Stackhouse and his team, their CO took the incident with good humour – contrary to Carson, who had to fix his friend's four cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder. Elizabeth wasn't thrilled either, but as a dog person, she couldn't order Jenkins to dismantle Milo. Instead, she demanded more safeguards to be installed and posted this rule to prevent any attempts to create an artificial menagerie in the future.

Rule 394: Doors were not designed to be run into.

A. You're meant to open them first.

Dr Harper had been very excited by his latest find – so excited, in fact, that he forgot to think 'open' at the doors of his lab. Now he was sat on a cot with a bloody nose and a very sheepish expression. Carson just sighed and shook his head.

Rule 395: Watch where you're going.

The Scotsman was beginning to wonder if someone had put stupid juice in the water. After treating three people who had tripped over their own feet and two others who had 'forgotten' that there were stairs, he was less than impressed.

Rule 396: Leave Angus alone.

A. Rodney gets upset when people pick on his 'cat'.

B. He's friends with Milo.

When Kavanaugh had dumped three gallons of ice water on Angus, SGA-1's miniature tiger, the poor animal ran into Rodney's quarters and refused to move from behind the scientist's closet. Two hours later, McKay finally managed to persuade his 'cat' to come out and went postal when he saw what had been done. He scooped Angus up (no mean feat considering that the alien tiger weighed about as much as Ronon) and took him down to the Infirmary, demanding that Carson treat him for hypothermia.

For once, the Canadian's diagnosis was pretty accurate – Angus was indeed suffering from mild hypothermia, and a nasty case of shock. Once he was satisfied that his beloved pet was going to be alright, he radioed John...

After a brief conversation with SGA-2, the boys went to pay Kavanaugh a visit – with Milo in tow. No one really knew what happened, but for the next week, the Chemist refused to come out of his quarters and neither John nor Rodney were telling. They were also surprised at how well Milo and Rodney seemed to be getting along, and made sure to pay close attention to this rule.

Rule 397: Personnel are reminded that sleep deprivation is not a pretty sight.

SGA-5 and 9 had put bets on who could stay awake the longest. When they all ended up under Carson's care for sleep deprivation related injuries, he sedated them all and posted this rule.

After all, having Rodney to deal with was bad enough.

Rule 398: Stop running into the walls!

A. And yes, it still counts even if you apologise to the wall afterwards.

The Military contingent was starting to really worry Beckett.

Rule 399: If you are going to chew bubble gum, be careful.

Some of the off-world teams had decided that they wanted to have a bubble gum contest, with the winner being the person who could blow the biggest bubble before it popped. To begin with, it was fairly amusing, but it soon degenerated when SGA-3 accused SGA-7 of cheating. Carson had never had to remove bubble gum from someone's nose before...


Wow! I'm at 400 (nearly)! I need help though, kids – the badgers are running out of ideas, and cos Easter's on the way, my plot bunnies are moonlighting.