Never let it be said that I don't listen to what my fans want – so here's the next instalment. But first...
Many thanks to everyone who gave me prompts or fully fledged rules! It really helped a lot!
Scotius gave me Rule 412, LetyBaroque was responsible for Rule 400, Saphreanne Grea gave me the idea for Rule 431, while rachelcooper asked for Rule 427.
T-man626 inspired Rule 428, and Silfrvarg gave me a fully completed Rule 429.
Jen-NCIS-Lover gave me the prompts for Rules 401, 404, 405, 406/7, 408, 409/410, 411 anf 436.
Shadows-of-Realm was responsible for the creation of Rules 430. 434 and 437.
And finally, cookiemoimoi gave me the prompts for Rules 422, 433, 433, 435 and 439.
Rule 400: Personnel are reminded that they are not to stare directly at the sun.
SGA-11 had done this and had nearly gone blind. Carson had then treated them and nearly gone postal.
Rule 401: Juggling with oranges is prohibited.
A. Dr McKay's allergic to them, remember?
The Marines had started a Juggling Club – and were surprisingly very good at it. The only problem came when they started juggling oranges and lemons in the mess – and in the vicinity of Rodney. Thankfully, his allergic reaction was only a mild case of hives, but Carson's real problem came when he had to prise John off of the soldier whose idea it was in the first place.
Treating a badly bruised trachea was not how he envisioned spending his Saturday afternoon.
Rule 402: Do not fight over bubble wrap.
A. Yes, we know everyone loves to pop the bubbles, but really...
B. Just... no.
Elizabeth asked Carson what had happened, but the Scotsman was keeping mum. (He'd been the one to start the fight in the first place...)
Rule 403: No more gross games!
John had played a mean trick on Dr Cannock – he'd poured water into his hand, made a sneezing noise and thrown said water onto the back of the poor man's neck. Dr Cannock had freaked out completely and had needed to be treated for a panic attack by a very angry Carson.
Rule 404: Spinning in computer chairs in strictly prohibited.
SGA-5 had been bored while waiting in the labs and had decided to have a competition to see who could spin the longest. Carson was beyond anger when he had to treat the team for dizziness and 'spinning chair' related injuries.
Rule 405: The comms system is not to be used for prank calls.
The Botanists had gotten drunk and started to make prank calls over the comms system. Their idiocy soon spread when John and Rodney decided that they wanted in – and set out to annoy the hell out of as many people as possible. Nobody knew where they'd gotten the voice changer from, or that Rodney had an impressive talent for mimicking people's accents, but when Carson got hold of them, he made them wish they'd never been born.
Rule 406: Holding your breath to get your own way is childish.
Dr Tin had done this when Elizabeth wouldn't let him study the Ancient lab on M9R-999. He'd turned an impressive shade of blue before he passed out and was taken to Carson for concussion.
Rule 407: No more 'holding your breath competitions'!
Dr Tin's scene in Elizabeth's office had inspired the Marines to do this – with disastrous consequences. Carson had to be physically restrained.
Rule 408: Do not lick people.
A. Some people happen to suffer from Queunliskanphobia.
B. And no, I didn't just make that up.
For God only knew what reason, Lt Fellows had licked Dr Harper, which resulted in her having a massive, hysteria induced panic attack. After she'd been treated by a very concerned Carson, it emerged that she had an almost paralysing fear of saliva.
Rule 409: No pinching people.
The Marines got bored and decided to test Carson's now infamous patience...
Rule 410: All pinching wars are to cease immediately.
...And paid the price spectacularly. No one was really sure what the Scotsman had done, but suddenly, the Marines were behaving themselves and keeping out of mischief.
They all seemed to have a strange limp though.
Rule 411: Do not let SGA-12 have magnifying glasses.
SGA-12 managed to set fire to half the city before anyone realised what had happened.
Rule 412: Dr Singh is not allowed to pilot the Jumpers by order of Colonel Sheppard and Dr Beckett.
A. We know about the incident on P6X-700.
B. Consider yourself lucky to still be with us, Doctor...
Dr Singh, SGA-2's short, bushy bearded Indian Geologist, had piloting skills that made even Carson look like a pro. No one other than the Command Staff knew all the details about what had happened on P6X-700, other than it involved an ostrich farm. And that Dr Singh was now never allowed to touch the flight controls of a Jumper ever again, not even in an emergency.
It later transpired that Stackhouse had only agreed with the rule so that Sgt Estevez wouldn't stop baking her famous cookies.
Rule 413: Juggling with knives is banned.
A. You're giving Ronon ideas, people.
The Juggling Club was going to be in BIG trouble when Carson got his hands on them.
Rule 414: Do not hide under a sheet and claim you are a ghost.
A. It won't end well.
B. Especially if Carson catches you.
SGA-8 had decided to spend the day pretending to be ghosts. While they looked pretty cool, they'd used the sheets from the Infirmary stores, and Carson was furious.
Rule 415: Personnel are not allowed to build fully functioning replicas of the Doctor's sonic screwdriver.
A. We're not living in a sci-fi show, children!
The Scientists had been watching too much Dr Who again. After nearly blowing up the lab, Carson confiscated the device and patched up the worst of the injuries before spending a record breaking seven hours yelling at Rodney.
Rule 416: Never, under any circumstances whatsoever, leave fake spiders in Dr Beckett's office.
Carson was actually terrified of spiders. When someone left a rubber Tarantula on the desk in his office, he turned into a gibbering wreck and had to spend the next twelve hours under sedation.
Rule 417: Pencils are meant to be used for writing/drawing.
Carson was baffled when he had to treat SGA-6 – who had gotten pencils stuck up their nose. When asked for an explanation, they had sheepishly replied that they were playing Walrus...
Rule 418: The same goes for paintbrushes too, Major Lorne.
Lorne, on the other hand, had gotten into a scrap with Sgt Kemp that left both men with various injuries. Carson was not impressed when he had to remove a paintbrush from Lorne's ear and another from Kemp's nose.
Rule 419: Do not re-enact scenes from 'Shaun of the Dead'.
The Marines, a couple of cricket bats and SGA-7's fake blood. Carson took to his bed with the mother of all migraines.
Rule 420: The Science Department are banned from watching any/all of the 'Saw' movies.
A. Remember what we said about giving them ideas?
B. We know it was you, Colonel.
C. And claiming they were 'Wraith traps' is not a valid excuse.
John was a very bad influence on Rodney's band of geeks. After two of them nearly ended up being decapitated by a working replica of the Pendulum Trap from Saw IV, Carson reached a whole new level of enraged.
Rule 421: All trapezes are to be dismantled immediately.
A. You're not a part of the Cirque du Soleil.
The Xenobiologists were still sulking – and hobbling around with slings and crutches.
Rule 422: If you value your life, never fish off the East Pier.
A. The Dolphi-Sharks don't like it.
B. They have nasty teeth...
Carson and Rodney had gone fishing one afternoon, and ended up being nearly eaten by the Dolphi-Sharks. Needless to say, the Scotsman quickly posted this rule, got Rodney to delete all the video footage and vowed to go to the mainland next time.
Rule 423: If you value your life, do not play fetch with Milo.
Rodney and John thought it would be a good way to spend the afternoon... and both ended up in the Infirmary with a very sorry looking metal dog.
Rule 424: Jackass/Dirty Sanchez/any other stupid shows where people do idiotic things are now banned.
A. That includes you too, Marines.
After setting more bones in one afternoon than he had in his entire career so far, Carson had had enough. He yelled at Elizabeth. Elizabeth yelled at John. John yelled at his Marines.
Rule 425: Do not set up traps in the corridors.
A. We'll set the zoo on you.
The Scientists still hadn't dismantled all the traps left over from their 'Saw' phase. Quite why they decided to turn Corridor 13 into a living death trap, no one was sure, but Carson was furious when the casualties started flooding in.
Rule 426: All personnel are reminded that the no pets rule is still in force.
A. 'It just followed me' is not an excuse.
B. Having said that, SGA-3 are allowed to keep their new 'friend'.
C. BUT NO MORE!!!
SGA-3 had been followed home by a blue badger-like creature that they promptly named 'Red'. When Elizabeth ordered them to return Red to his home planet, they had rebelled and started a base war – and everyone found out that the badger had a mean bite. Even worse, Angus and Fred formed an almost inseparable friendship with their newest animal companion and had howled for hours before the expedition leader relented.
Rule 427: Do not run with needles.
In a cruel twist of fate, Carson had actually been behind this rule. When one of the Botanists became infected with a bizarre and somewhat dangerous version of Rabies and flipped out, he'd been running down the corridor with a sedative loaded syringe. Unfortunately, he tripped... and ended up giving himself the dose, knocking himself out cold. Thankfully, Dr Morrison had another dose at the ready and the unfortunate Botanist was soon cured.
Carson, however, was still a bit of a laughing stock.
Rule 428: The 'Shape Shift Machine' is hereby confiscated.
Rodney and John had stumbled across an Ancient device that allowed the user to turn into an animal of their choice. Word soon spread and soon most of the expedition was queuing up to have a go. When people started acting out 'The Once and Future King', Carson hid in his room.
Rule 429: Catnip is not allowed on base.
A. The bigger the 'cat', the more spectacular the results.
Nobody knew where SGA-10 had gotten said catnip from, but they weren't really in any condition to tell anyone. After feeding a large dose to Angus, the small tiger had become positively kittenish, chasing his tails, shadows, and anything else that happened to move. Unfortunately, SGA-10 happened to move...
After being chased up and down the hallways for several hours, Sgt Harris got the bright idea to stun Angus so that they could escape.
Needless to say, Rodney was NOT happy when he found out what had happened – and John wasn't too far behind him. Carson wasn't sure what the boys had actually done, but SGA-10 were now in the Infirmary under heavy sedation until the screaming stopped.
Rule 430: Never stun Ronon.
A. He doesn't like it.
B. He'll find you.
C. We're not scraping up your remains when he does.
Some of the newbies thought it would be funny to stun the Satedan. When the ex runner came to, he went on the warpath, and the newbies fled in terror.
Nobody had found them yet.
Rule 431: Whipped cream is to be used for its intended purpose.
A. That does not include juvenile pranks.
SGA-4 had decided to retaliate after the silly string ban by using whipped cream for as many new and different purposes as humanly possible. When twelve people were admitted to Carson having fallen down the stairs, the Scotsman was mad. And when the number steadily rose after it came to light that SGA-4 had also used said whipped cream tins as Frisbees, he was half a heartbeat away from violence.
Rule 432: If you are going to play with Lego, DO NOT BUILD MOVING SPIDERS!!!
A. One word, children – REPLICATORS!!!
Some of the geeks had gotten their hands on some Lego sets that could be built into battery powered, moveable spiders. Unfortunately, their results looked scarily like Replicator bugs and the whole city freaked out. Carson was beside himself with fury when the geeks 'fessed up, and had them scrubbing the Infirmary floors with toothbrushes – for three months.
Rule 433: Do not hide Dr Zelenka's glasses.
Rodney had done this after an argument with his 2IC went too far. The Czech's response startled everyone on base and left Rodney with broken ribs and a dislocated knee.
Rule 434: If you eat the last of the blue Jello, make sure that the new supplies have come in.
A. Or that you have a very good escape plan...
When one of the Marines ate the last tub of blue Jello, Rodney and Ronon were less than thrilled to find that it would be three whole weeks before the next batch of supplies was due. Eventually, Carson had to sedate them both for the safety of everyone in the city.
Rule 435: Do not rename the Daedalus.
A. If you try and call it the Enterprise one more time, Hermiod will not be held accountable for his actions.
The geeks had done this... and were now all in the Infirmary with beaming bends. Carson was not impressed and Rodney was on the verge of killing them all.
He now had to cover all their duties until they got better.
Rule 436: Do not talk in made up languages.
A. It annoys people and makes Carson very busy.
The Russian contingent had gotten into a bitch fight with the Australians, and now both sides were trying to wind each other up by refusing to speak in anything but gibberish. After several fights broke out, Carson and his teams were inundated and John's men had to be called in.
Rule 437: Do not test out new inventions until you are sure that they won't backfire.
A. Or unless you're not in the city.
Rodney and Radek had decided to give their newly invented wormhole drive a go... and the results were messy to say the least. Thankfully, Carson managed to save Radek's arm and got Rodney's internal organs back in the right place.
Rule 438: Personnel are not allowed to make fun of Red.
A. He BITES, people!
The little blue badger had a very short temper, and apparently didn't like it when people teased him. Carson was soon flooded with patients, all of whom had bite marks and were suspiciously quiet about where they'd acquired them...
Rule 439: Do not tease Colonel Caldwell about his new hairstyle.
The commander of the Daedalus had been in the city on a visit and had been in the lab when John accidentally activated an untested Ancient device. After the smoke cleared and the fires were put out, everyone was amazed to see that Caldwell was now the proud owner of a set of long, blond curls. Carson wasn't having much luck at reversing the effect and was doing his best to keep the damage to a minimum – apparently, the Colonel was a bit touchy when it came to hair-related conversations...
Ha ha! Keep the prompts coming! More soon!
