Hello, my lovers! (Sorry, my Devonish roots are coming out again. I just can't help myself sometimes...)

Didja miss me? You know the drill – credits first, so a BIG thank you to the following people, who continue to amaze and amuse me with their ideas and suggestions:

Saphreanna Grea for giving me Rules 504 to 507, and Rule 512.

Jen-NCIS-Lover who gave me loads of prompts yet again! Thanks to her, we get Rules 485 to 491.

cookie-moimoi who's suggestions led to the creation of Rules 497 to 503.

T-man626 inspired Rule 484.

Scotius gave me Rules 493 to 496.

anotamous was responsible for Rule 517.

Shadows-of-Realm was responsible for the creation of Rules 480 to 483.

Thanks, guys! (Hope I haven't forgotten anyone... If I have, let me know and I'll put you at the start of the next chapter.) And now, here's yet more insanity to add to the collection...


Rule 480: Do not call Hermiod 'Scotty'.

A. He'll beam you into space.

When they discovered that calling Carson 'Scotty' bought them a one way ticket to pain street, SGA-7 decided to try it out on the Daedalus' Asgard delegate. The thinking behind their 'brilliant' scheme was that since he was an alien, Hermiod would just dismiss it as strange Earthling behaviour.

Unbeknownst to them, Hermiod was actually scarily au fait with Earth pop culture and all its associated references, and didn't take the jibe too well. Thankfully, Novak managed to re-direct the now dematerialised SGA-7 back to Lantea rather than the depths of space... and they ended up in the middle of the ocean.

Carson now had them in the Infirmary, all suffering from hypothermia and some unpleasant side effects from the hijacked teleportation – and he couldn't stop laughing.

Rule 481: Dr McKay is not allowed to name Ancient devices without Colonel Sheppard's approval.

Rodney had decided to name an Ancient device that SGA-1 had found on a recent off-world mission. That would have been fine apart from the fact that John was claiming owner's rights on said device, seeing as how he was the one who found it in the first place. The Air Force man objected to his friend calling the small, oddly shaped gizmo the 'Bottle Opener Device', despite the Canadian's claims that it looked like one, ergo it was one.

When Rodney ended up in the Infirmary with some interesting bruises, Carson intervened. John had come by to apologise, stating that he'd gotten caught up in the heat of the moment, he hadn't meant to give Rodney a black eye, and, more importantly, that it wouldn't happen again.

McKay took some small consolation from the fact that Radek had discovered the actual purpose of the device – it was indeed an Ancient version of a bottle opener, much to John's annoyance.

Rule 482: STAY AWAY FROM DR ZELENKA'S VODKA!!!

A drunk (bordering on paralytic) Chuck had accidentally let a Wraith into the city after he failed to close the Gate shield. Luckily, no one was hurt, but Carson nearly burst an artery when he heard about the incident.

Rule 483: Dr McKay is not allowed to touch the DHD if he's been drinking.

A. The man is dangerous when he's drunk.

Rodney had gotten drunk after losing spectacularly at an illegal game of 'Spin the Bottle', and as a result had scrambled up the DHD. No one could figure out what he'd done (not even Radek) and to complicate matters even further, his fiddling had been sent through to every other Gate in Pegasus. As a result, everyone in the Galaxy ended up dialling the wrong planet, and several civil wars broke out on a variety of different planets – mainly over who'd angered which God and therefore damned the Ring of the Ancestors.

Rodney was now in the Infirmary with acute alcohol poisoning and Elizabeth was on the verge of killing him.

Rule 484: Magician's Club is not allowed to recruit for 'glamorous assistants'.

A. It's sexist.

B. The girls will give you a hiding if they find out.

After Juggling Club was eventually disbanded for becoming far too violent for a recreational group, the members reformed to create the newly founded 'Magician's Club'. It wasn't their tricks that were causing chaos (they'd wisely chosen to stick to cards for the time being), but the A4 adverts that suddenly appeared on walls up and down the city, asking for assistants.

When the female contingent saw said posters, they were not amused at the descriptions of what made the 'perfect glamorous assistant' and started a mob up. After several casualties were admitted to Carson, he put his foot down to stop the numbers from rising.

He also wanted his nurses to come back from their 'strike'.

Rule 485: If you think something's dead, do not move closer to it.

A. And don't poke it either.

B. Have none of you ever watched a horror movie before?!

SGA-1 had started this trend, when Rodney bet Ronon three crates worth of blue Jello that the Wraith he had just 'killed' wasn't actually dead. Wanting to wipe the smug look off of the scientist's face, and spurred on by the thought of having all the Jello he could eat for a month, the ex runner casually strode up to his downed prey and nudged it with his foot.

After the heart-attack inducing five minutes that followed, Rodney had said 'I told you so' more times than anyone thought was humanly possible to a now very sheepish Ronon, and John had nearly gone grey. Teyla was not impressed and promised them all a sound thumping if they ever did something so stupid again.

Unfortunately, word of their 'adventure' had spread among the other off-world teams, and now it seemed that everyone was having a go. When Carson had had enough of treating panic attacks, hysteria and several more serious injuries, he rounded up all the SGA teams and screamed at them for five hours.

He then scheduled them in for surprise physicals and extra booster shots.

Rule 486: The photocopiers are to be used for official use only.

A. The term 'official' does not include making copies of intimate parts of your anatomy.

B. We know it was you, Elizabeth.

C. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Everyone was shocked to find out what the leader of the expedition did for kicks. Elizabeth, meanwhile, was hiding in her room, mainly to avoid Carson. She'd had to see the Scotsman when she'd felt a muscle twinge in her thigh, much to his amusement. Apparently, she wasn't as flexible as she was when she was in college...

Rule 487: All crew members are reminded that Lab One is out of bounds to everyone except authorised personnel.

A. If you ARE allowed to go in there, do not attempt to play drums on anything you see on Dr McKay's workbench.

B. Chances are, you'll blow us all up.

C. We don't WANT to be blown up.

D. It's messy.

E. And you'll upset Carson.

Dr Parrish had decided to practice his drum solo for his punk band when he was waiting for the test results on a new species of Peace Lily he'd discovered. Although it was a very impressive drum solo, he accidentally knocked over a stack of test tubes with a variety of brightly coloured liquids in them – which had promptly reacted violently with each other, caused a mild explosion and set the lab on fire.

Nobody was injured, much to Carson's relief, but Parrish was going to be butchered once Rodney got his hands on him. He just had to find the Botanist's hiding place first...

Rule 488: Never imitate anyone's accent.

When some of the crew members decided to imitate people's accents, Carson, Radek and Bella were all furious – and it turned out to be a dangerous combination. The combined forces of a Scotsman, a Czech and a feisty Italian were enough to make even the toughest soldier cower behind the nearest piece of furniture.

Rule 489: Pretending you've suddenly gone deaf is not a justifiable excuse for getting out of a meeting.

A. The same goes for 'spontaneous blindness'.

B. I wasn't born yesterday, you bampots...

When several off-world teams pulled this stunt repeatedly over a three day period, Carson had had enough. He asked them all to report to the Infirmary where he promptly set Bella on them. Strangely enough, their 'medical problems' all disappeared within minutes...

Rule 490: If you wish to remain in a single, human-shaped piece, do not pronounce Dr Zelenka's name wrong every time you talk to them.

The newbies were in a lot of trouble. Radek was getting angry, Rodney was on the warpath, and Carson was sick of having to put the new members back together again.

Rule 491: STOP SINGING 'THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS'!

A. I'll hunt you down and kill you slowly if you don't bloody well pack it in!

John had started this one. He'd sung the song in an attempt to wind Rodney up – and failed miserably. The Canadian started singing in harmony with him and now the entire base was at it. Carson was on the verge of pulling his hair out – apparently, he wasn't a 'Lamb-chops' fan...

Rule 492: The Magician's Club is not allowed to perform dangerous acts.

A. Even if they've seen it done on TV a hundred times.

B. If I hear one more person mention David bloody Copperfield...

The Magician's Club had decided to up the stakes with their tricks, and had persuaded the Science Department to build them a fully functioning set of the more dangerous stage props. After Dr Felix was almost sawed in half when one of their contraptions backfired, Carson went berserk and the Command Staff had to call in Milo and Angus to break up the ensuing carnage.

Rule 493: SGA-2 are not allowed to attack Wraith ships without back-up.

A. It's far too dangerous, even WITH Milo.

B. And what have we told you about giving the other teams ideas?!

When Sgt Estevez and Dr Singh were captured in a sudden culling during an off-world mission, their team-mates had neither the time nor the patience to wait for reinforcements from Atlantis. Fearing that the Wraith Cruiser would enter hyperspace with their friends onboard, Stackhouse and Jenkins returned to the Jumper and took off after the retreating Darts.

Sneaking into the Dart hanger was easy, but this time, they didn't have anything that even vaguely resembled a bomb on board their ship. However, they did have Milo, and the robo-dog in Wraith Hunting Mode proved to be far more destructive than any homemade explosive...

When three Jumpers loaded with SGA-1, 3 and a sizeable number of Marines eventually caught up with the drifting Cruiser, they found four very smug Atlanteans releasing the other prisoners from cocoons and one very happy robo-dog guarding a large pile of butchered Wraith.

An astonished Carson still couldn't get over the fact that this time, no one was hurt, burnt or even mildly beaten up.

Rule 494: Hoarding popcorn is STILL forbidden.

While waiting for the results of the analysis on his new rock samples, Dr. Singh accidentally found the Chemistry Department's secret stash of popcorn. Normally, he wouldn't even think about it twice, but this time, Dr. Kavanaugh really got under the normally mild mannered Geologist's skin. The long haired git had been persistently delaying the results for two whole days, under the pretext of being 'understaffed'.

Deciding that such disregard for his work needed to be punished, the Dr Singh promptly planned his vengeance. Using Zelenka's workshop and spare parts, he and the rest of SGA-2 constructed a portable microwave generator...

The next day, they carefully placed their newest invention in the room directly above the Chemist's storage closet and using the narrow beam, nuked the entire crate of corn at once. When Carson arrived at the place of 'explosion', he couldn't stop laughing at the sight in front of him – there were several incredibly disoriented scientists, who were literally swimming in the white fluff that was overflowing the laboratory and spilling into corridors.

His amusement soon stopped though, as the rest of the Expedition happily took advantage of situation and he was swamped in another wave of indigestion cases.

Rule 495: Citrus scented air fresheners are hereby forbidden on Atlantis.

A. Dr McKay really IS deathly allergic to Citrus and we need him in good shape.

B. Don't forget – he's best friends with Colonel Sheppard and Dr Beckett.

C. Angus, Fred and Milo are very fond of him too.

D. Do you REALLY want to piss all of them off?

Some of Rodney's minions tried to keep their acerbic boss away from their workspaces by using lemon-scented air-fresheners and deodorants. It worked rather well until, after being assaulted from all directions by the hateful smell, Rodney experienced a sensory overload, mixed with an outbreak of hives and a severe panic attack. By the time John and Carson got to him, the Canadian was catatonic...

While he was recuperating in the Infirmary, John and Carson rounded up those responsible and locked them in the conference room. They then proceeded to scare the living daylights out of them. After that, Rodney's subordinates were all convinced that Atlantis' Chief Science Officer really was lesser of two evils...

Rule 496: The Military leader of Atlantis has a name that contains two P's.

A. Colonel SHEPPARD has better hair than the game character anyway.

B. And if you wish to remain amongst the living, NEVER call Jumper One 'Normandy'.

The "Mass Effect" craze had finally reached Atlantis.

From John's point of view, it seemed as though every geek and grunt on Atlantis had finished this game at least once. It was becoming common place for random crew members to poke fun at him using game-related jokes and references. And all of this was just because he and game's main character had a similar name and occupation.

Normally it wouldn't be a problem – having McKay on his team had forced the wild-haired Air Force man to build up a natural immunity to mockery. But when he caught SGA-3 painting 'NORMANDY' in big letters on the side of his favourite Jumper, things got ugly very quickly.

Only the presence of the Daedalus (and Hermiod's quick reflexes) saved Major Lorne and his team from serious harm.

Rule 497: Please, for the sake of my sanity and your health, do not give Colonel Caldwell any more pink bows.

A. I don't care if they make him look cute, just stop it.

B. Pretty please?

Caldwell's hair was the cause of much amusement in Atlantis. Unfortunately, the commander of the Daedalus didn't see it that way and everyone soon remembered that he had a frightening temper. Carson posted this rule in an attempt to bring the numbers in his ward back down to a more manageable level.

Rule 498: 'The Smurfs' is not allowed to be viewed in the Infirmary.

Everyone suddenly had a fascination with the children's TV show, much to Carson's dismay. When a Smurf marathon in the Infirmary ended up in a massive fight over why Papa Smurf was the only male to have facial hair, Carson went beyond incensed and the cleaning crews had a LOT of work to do...

Rule 499: Colonel Sheppard is not to be referred to as 'Captain Kirk'.

A. He is not William Shatner.

B. I know Rodney does it all the time, but that doesn't mean YOU can.

John was getting pissed off – and in revenge had sentenced all the offenders to mandatory boot camp with Ronon. Carson broke down and cried when he saw the state of them after two days being taught 'survival skills' by the Satedan.

Rule 500: The Scientists are not to be forced into wearing cowbells whilst on off-world missions.

A. Yes, I understand that they get lost a lot, but cowbells are noisy.

Some of the off-world teams had tried this when they repeatedly lost their respective geeks. It worked rather well – too well in fact. After three teams were nearly massacred to cannibals, and a further two narrowly escaped being eaten by the Wraith, Carson put his foot down.

To top it all off, Rodney wasn't happy over the treatment of his geeks. So much so, in fact, that Beckett didn't even want to know what his friend had done to SGA-3 after Dr Parrish wound up in the Infirmary after the team's latest off-world trip...

Rule 501: Colonel Sheppard's hair is real, not a toupee.

One of the Marines had foolishly started a rumour that John's hair was fake, prompting the now furious Air Force man (aided and abetted by an equally angry Rodney) to dish out some revenge. Carson started to bang his head against the wall when twelve people were carried into the Infirmary.

Rule 502: And while I'm on the subject, he's NOT James Bond.

A. Just like Dr McKay isn't Q.

B. Just so you all know, the next person to refer to Dr Weir as M will get throttled.

C. Because that would make Chuck Miss Moneypenny.

D. Don't go there.

Some people never learned. While John and Rodney liked their new nicknames, Elizabeth and Chuck were less impressed – and Carson had some brand new patients to heal.

Rule 503: SGA-1 are not to be referred to as 'The Smurf Squad'.

A. Yes, I KNOW they've all got blue hair.

B. You're annoying them – and I've already warned you about that.

The 'Smurf Craze' had hit ridiculous levels in the city. When SGA-4 called SGA-1 Smurfs, Atlantis' flagship team hadn't been too amused. And when all the other off-world teams got in on it, the situation became violent. Once again, Milo and Angus were called in to break up the rioting, this time helped by a very eager Fred. Carson made his view point very clear when patching up the injured parties, and everyone listened very carefully.

Mind you, he had been holding one of his bigger needles at the time, and smiling...

Rule 504: All personnel are reminded to keep their rooms tidy to avoid outbreaks of dust bunnies.

A. Some people have allergies, you know...

Some of the expedition members were real slobs. A watery-eyed Carson had glowered and shouted hoarsely at everyone at fault before he'd locked himself in his office to have a sneezing fit.

Rule 505: All SGA teams are reminded that pets are not allowed.

A. SGA-9, you are not keeping that insect.

B. I mean it!

C. I don't care if you've already named it, it's NOT staying and you are NOT going to fetch it back off of its native planet.

D. Colonel Sheppard doesn't like bugs, remember?

SGA-9 had brought back a kitten sized stick insect from P5X-142, which they claimed was a vegetarian called Albert. They were wrong. Thankfully, nobody got hurt when 'Albert' decided it was hungry because Fred and Angus had chased it back through the Gate. SGA-9 had sulked and pouted for a week when Elizabeth banned them from going back to get it.

After all, John was still in shock and Carson kept finding bits of insect scattered around his quarters courtesy of his alien wolf.

Rule 506: All Scientists are hereby banned from drinking alcohol for a month.

The geeks weren't in very good books with the Command Staff. After consuming far too much alcohol and feeling rather mischievous, they had decided to play with the self destruct sequence. The aim of their 'game' was to see who could turn it off the quickest in their somewhat inebriated state...

After Elizabeth, John and Rodney were all admitted to Carson suffering from stress related symptoms, the Scotsman put the entire Science Department through rehab with Heightmeyer and locked up every single drop of alcohol on base.

Rule 507: Do not steal equipment from the Science Department.

A. While it is acknowledged that retort stands make excellent swords, I suggest you refrain from thievery.

The Marines had found a novel use for some of the Science Department's equipment, Carson found a novel use for his set of catheters, and the Command Staff found the entire incident hilarious.

Rule 508: The Science Department are not allowed to test new inventions on personnel.

A. Even if they DID steal your bloody gizmos!

The geeks were not amused to discover that the Marines had broken all the retort stands in their mock Pirate battle and decided to test out their newly built 'Shrink Ray'. The good news was that the device didn't blow the city up. The bad news was that instead of shrinking the Marines, they shrunk John and Rodney... sort of.

In fact, they'd reduced them to five year olds. Unluckily for the geeks, although the boys were five year olds, they both still had their adult minds...

Carson was amazed at how violent they both were as children, especially when he saw the state of the Scientists.

Rule 509: Do not trust ridiculously pretty aliens.

A. They're up to no good – either that, or you'll end up catching something unpleasant.

B. Please note that I am not including Teyla and Ronon in this category.

C. It's not that they're not attractive or anything, just...

D. They can hurt you without even breaking into a sweat.

SGA-5 had been taking lessons from John again. When they came back to Atlantis with a very pretty young woman from M9X-576, Elizabeth was not amused. She was even less amused when it was discovered that the woman was actually a Genii spy... After the crisis was narrowly averted, the expedition leader had to be sedated by Carson before she did something she'd regret.

The Scotsman was thankful that John was still child-sized, as he was convinced that they'd all be Genii slaves by now if he'd been his usual self.

Rule 510: Do not tease Colonel Sheppard or Dr McKay.

A. They can't help the fact that they're stuck with the bodies of children.

B. And yes, I KNOW they're both adorable, but remember what happened to the Science Department?

John and Rodney were gleefully causing chaos now they were pint sized. Even better was the fact that they could get away with it too – all they had to do was start making their bottom lips tremble and no one could resist. Unfortunately, SGA-3 were having a little bit too much fun at their expense...

Carson quickly put this rule up when the entire team were admitted to the Infirmary with some very unusual injuries in their lower legs, and sent prayers up to a whole bunch of deities that Radek would be able to reverse their condition – as soon as possible.

Rule 511: If you are feeling ill, get your arse down to the Infirmary.

Ronon had been to blame for this one when he dismissed Apendicitis as the after effects of a bad batch of Vodka – and Bella got so angry with him that the rest of the expedition (Carson included) went into hiding.

Rule 512: Stair surfing is banned.

The Marines were even more idiotic than the Scientists at times. They were now avoiding the Infirmary like the plague, which Carson didn't mind. It meant that he didn't have to patch them up anymore.

Rule 513: The Military Contingent are not to be referred to as 'walking, talking Action Men'.

A. They don't like it.

Sometimes, Carson feared for the lives of the civilian members of the expedition. Luckily, Elizabeth had nipped it all in the bud before there were any injuries.

Rule 514: For the hundredth time, Jumpers are not toys!

John and Rodney were proving that they were very dangerous as children. Rodney had managed to modify the seats in Jumper One so that John could fly it, and they had then proceeded to fly around the city. When Carson got a hold of them later, they were both in a LOT of trouble... and even though they looked five years old, that didn't stop the Scotsman from using his larger needles.

Rule 515: Do not hoard the coffee.

A. Seriously, no.

B. It's not worth it.

The Marines hid the Scientists coffee supplies. Carson had had more patients to deal with than ever after the war that broke out. Everyone else was surprised to find out that it was the geeks who had gotten their hands on the weapons first, and made a mental note to never come between geniuses and their coffee ever again.

Rule 516: The PA system is not to be abused.

The Scientists went from one extreme to the other.

Atlantis had to endure seventeen hours of a theoretical debate about the scientific inaccuracies in all six of the Star Wars films before the Marines finally managed to break into the Gate Room. The Command Staff didn't even bother to try and break up the ensuing fighting, and Carson never complained once about all the casualties he had to fix.

Rule 517: Do not use kinetic energy to power a Stargate.

SGA-9 had done this when they discovered that the Gate on M9S-777 didn't have a power source. Dr Gravel, their resident physicist, had come up with an ingenious solution however – he theorised that by throwing rocks at the Gate, they could power it manually. Apparently, according to the blond Dutchman, the Gate would be able to draw power from the harmonic reverberation that was caused when the rocks hit it.

While his solution worked, SGA-9 ended up being admitted to the Infirmary when they'd gotten a little bit too excitable with the throwing of said rocks.

Carson fixed them up then threatened to throw them off the pier if they ever did something so stupid again.

Rule 518: Contrary to popular belief, Atlantis is actually sentient.

A. With that little nugget of information in mind, would all personnel please stop pissing the city off?

Atlantis wasn't happy, John was annoyed that everyone kept blaming him for the mood swings, and Carson was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He'd never had to treat injuries caused by a sentient city before.

Rule 519: Dr Zelenka is not allowed to gloat.

A. I know you fixed Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay, but seriously.

B. Enough is enough!

Radek had finally managed to reverse the effects of the 'Shrink Ray' and now John and Rodney were back to normal. When he started gloating about how he'd been able to fix what Rodney couldn't, the Canadian got very angry, claiming that his hands had been too small to hold the tools properly. Radek retaliated and pretty soon, both men had gained several followers and nearly started yet another base war.

Carson eventually broke it up and made both of them have sessions with Heightmeyer to talk through their 'issues'...


Ah-ha-ha-ha-haaah! I finally gave Bella a nationality! Yippee!

Hope you all enjoyed that – and keep the ideas (and reviews!) coming!