Wow-a-zow! Loads of reviews and ideas! Thanks to everyone who's been helping me out, and I'll list you all in a minute, but first, I have an announcement to make. You might wanna sit down...
I'm thinking that there'll only be one more chapter after this, seeing as it's getting harder to come up with amusing ideas without repeating myself. To be honest, I never imagined that this story would end up as long as this in the first place! I'm aiming to try to get to 600 Rules (that's a nice, round number)... Besides, I wanna get to work on my next fic!
Enough prattling from me – here's all the wonderful people who gave me inspiration:
Rules 552 -555 were inspired by Jen-NCIS-Lover and Rule 537 was a prompt from T-man626.
Rules 526, 527, 529, 530 and 545 were all suggested by Saphreanna Grea.
MP116 asked for Rule 544, emergency70 suggested Rule 549 and rachelcooper asked for Rule 556.
Scotius provided me with Rules 541 to 543, Shadows-of-Realm was the person who gave me the prompts for Rules 531 – 536, and LetyBaroque wanted to see Rules 538 and 539.
And last but by no means least, Rules 550 to 554 were brought into existence after cookie-moimoi gave me the prompts for them.
You lot are the best. Shiny. :D
On we go then...
Rule 520: Despite the current rumours, Medicine IS a proper science.
A. You'd better start running, Rodney...
Carson had finally had enough of all Rodney's insults and proceeded to chase the physicist around the city with his beloved shinty stick.
Rule 521: Do not start fights over the chocolate brownies.
The Marines had taken the last of the chocolate brownies. The Scientists protested. War reigned until the Medics ganged up with the Command Staff and their assorted pets. The culprits soon found themselves being treated by some very angry people, who were ready to kill them for ruining their first day off in months.
Rule 522: Tesla coil arches are not to be used to freak people out.
A. I'm looking at YOU, Science Department...
The Scientists had scared the hell out of Major Lorne by locking him in a cage and turning on their Tesla Coil machine. Although Evan wasn't injured (the cage had been designed to keep the occupant safe from any harm), he was seriously freaked out.
And when Carson saw the state of him, the Scientists were just as scared...
Rule 523: Do not take Dr McKay's keyboard, pop off all the keys then switch them around to mess with his head.
A. It won't end well.
B. Especially if he catches you.
Dr Simpson had been bored, and since Rodney had recently pissed her off, she proceeded to do this to his keyboard... thirty two times. McKay was baffled by the ever-changing keyboard to begin with yet persevered, but it soon got the better of him. Carson hadn't been impressed when the physicist had a mild nervous breakdown and ended up in the Infirmary claiming that his laptop was trying to send him to the funny farm.
Rule 524: Ceiling fans are not to be messed around with.
A. And just where the hell did you get all that glitter?
The Marines plus glitter plus moving objects equalled a very angry Scotsman with a whopping headache.
Rule 525: No more exploding envelope pranks!
The basic idea behind the prank was that you rigged a plain envelope with party poppers so that when your intended victim opened it, the contents shot out everywhere. Quite who had taught Ronon how to make the exploding envelopes was still a mystery, but the Command Staff quickly banned it when Carson nearly had a stroke.
After all, he was the one who'd been the victim...
Rule 526: Do not drop things off of the balconies.
A. Even if you have rigged them with automatic parachutes.
Beckett was beginning to seriously worry for the sanity of the Atlantis expedition. He was also getting fed up of treating people for concussions caused by falling objects.
Rule 527: Beakers are not to be used as drinking cups.
A. You don't know what's been in them before.
SGA-12 had done this. They ended up reverting back to their dragon forms after the beakers they'd chosen as impromptu mugs turned out to have traces of an experimental DNA shifter in them. Luckily, the effects didn't last long and they were soon human again, but Carson had a ward full of people with second degree burns and Rodney still hadn't managed to put out all the fires.
Rule 528: Magician's club is hereby banned.
The Magician's Club had branched out into high wire acts – with disastrous consequences. Carson banned the group after he saw the state of Lt Brannigan.
Rule 529: Please be careful when playing with spare parts.
John had been bored and decided to try a bit of DIY engineering. Using some metal tubing, tarp and a substantial amount of duct tape, he had eventually succeeded in making an impressive looking hang glider. Unfortunately, he'd not asked for the Scientists' permission to use the duct tape in the first place, nor had he asked Rodney to help him, which prompted the next rule...
Rule 530: Dr McKay is not allowed to sabotage Colonel Sheppard's home-made hang-glider.
A. Play nicely, you two, or I'll make you wish you'd never been born!
Rodney wasn't amused to have been kept in the dark, so he got his own back by sabotaging John's glider. Luckily, the pilot wasn't injured when one of the wings crumpled, but Carson was beyond mad with the pair of them.
After being forced to clean the Infirmary stores three times with nail brushes, the boys put aside their grudge match and started to work on their revenge plan instead...
Rule 531: The crew of the Daedalus are not permitted to imbibe any of Dr Zelenka's secret stash.
Major Marks had attempted to pilot the Daedalus after a particularly heavy drinking session the night before. Unfortunately, he hadn't known that Radek's hooch took forty eight hours to completely leave the blood stream and ended up nearly crashing the huge ship into the control tower of Atlantis.
Carson had a LOT of new patients, but on the bright side, he got to test out his new stomach pump on Major Marks...
Rule 532: DO NOT BEFRIEND THE WRAITH!!!
For reasons that everyone was sure weren't exactly healthy, Chuck had decided to make friends with a Wraith Drone, whom he christened Jim. John and his merry band of Marines had swiftly killed said Wraith, while Chuck was admitted to the Infirmary until Carson could work out what was wrong with him.
Everyone else was shocked – normally, save for when he was playing Pirates Vs Hockey Players, the Canadian technician was relatively normal.
Rule 533: For the love of everything holy, DO NOT mess around with the Jumpers.
A. I've already warned you about this.
B. And no, I'm not going to hide you when Colonel Sheppard goes postal.
A couple of Jumper technicians had been bored on their shift, and had decided to do a little bit of 'upgrading' to Jumper One. When John and Rodney entered the craft, an ear-splitting alarm sounded, followed by a message on the HUD that announced 'Self-Destruct Sequence Initiated'... Thankfully, Rodney managed to over-ride it and quickly removed the upgrade. He then proceeded to point John in the direction of the technicians and watched the sparks fly.
Carson came down to join him, and even brought some popcorn.
Rule 534: Do not replace Dr Zelenka's vodka with ammonia.
A. Even if it tastes exactly the same.
John and Rodney decided that since the Czech's hooch tasted like paint-stripper, it would be interesting to replace it with something similar and see if anyone could spot the difference. Carson was less than pleased when twenty eight people were admitted to the Infirmary, and Radek wasn't a bundle of joy either when he found out.
Now the boys were hiding from them both.
Rule 535: The Chemistry Department are not allowed to drug the Command Staff.
A. Colonel Sheppard is going to kill you when he wakes up...
It turned out that Chuck had been the test subject for one of Kavanaugh's most evil pranks to date. After John was dragged into the Infirmary by his very worried team-mates, loudly declaring his unending love for one of the Wraith Queens, Carson quickly put two and two together and came up with a long-haired git.
He discovered that Kavanaugh had created a drug that made people become infatuated with the Wraith. After putting John and Chuck through an intense detox routine, they were soon back to their normal selves – and Kavanaugh was about to learn a lesson he'd never forget...
Rule 536: Do not create Puddle Jumper fleets that can be controlled using the weapons chair.
In retaliation for the 'Wraith Love Potion' that he'd been unwillingly subjected to, John got Rodney to create a small fleet of Jumpers that could be controlled by the weapons chair. After a couple of weeks, the task was accomplished... and John proceeded to fly them around outside Kavanaugh's quarters before making them crash spectacularly into the balcony outside the Chemist's room.
While the boys celebrated, Carson handed the gibbering wreck of a man over to Bella.
Rule 537: The Command Staff would like to remind all personnel that the extreme cold weather breathing apparatus are to be used for their original and intended functions.
A. Playing Darth Vader does not rank among those.
The breathing masks that the off-world teams used when in conditions similar to that of the Arctic turned out to have a novel use. After an entire week of endless 'Luke, I am your father' quotes, Carson had had enough and left Bella in charge while he took some R and R on the mainland.
When he got back, he found that there hadn't been a single patient admitted to the Infirmary.
Rule 538: Dr Kavanaugh is not to be used in place of gym equipment.
Although John and Rodney had gotten revenge on the pony-tailed Chemist, Ronon and Teyla wanted in on the action. So they promptly ordered Kavanaugh down to the gym for a 'hand-to-hand combat' session... and used him as a punch-bag for nearly an hour.
Although Carson agreed that the man deserved it, he now had to admit him to his Infirmary again.
Rule 539: Do not upset Dr Heightmeyer.
A. She's the only one who can keep the Command Staff sane.
Some of the Marines had made Kate break down in tears, and Carson was furious. After all, someone had to keep the rest of the Command Staff on the straight and narrow...
Rule 540: Do not dye Angus' fur.
A. Dr McKay will hurt you.
B. As will Colonel Sheppard.
C. And I'll stand and watch them.
D. I might even sell tickets...
Angus, SGA-1's pet, was a miniature white tiger, whose fur was somewhat thicker than the Earth variety. It was also longer, verging on shaggy, but Rodney had refused to cut it – the last time John had tried, the animal leapt into Rodney's arms and started wailing so loudly that it could be heard over most of the city. So when SGA-5 decided to make the physicist's pet a bit more colourful, all hell broke loose.
Rodney found Angus sat on the floor in the middle of Lab One, looking shell-shocked and sporting a fur coat that now resembled a rainbow. John rushed in when he heard his friend's pain-filled screams, thinking that the physicist had had an accident, only to find McKay pacing up and down. And then John saw Angus...
Needless to say, SGA-5 soon found themselves on the receiving end of the boys' wrath, who had once again teamed up with Milo. Although SGA-2's pet was mechanical, the robo-dog was incredibly fond of Angus because the tiger was friends with John and Rodney. And of course, both the boys had the ATA gene, which meant Milo was ALWAYS on their side...
When the team were admitted to Carson two hours later, they wouldn't (or couldn't) speak. And whenever anyone mentioned hair dye around them, they went pale...
Rule 541: Flying skateboards are forbidden in Atlantis.
A. The same goes for surfboards.
B. Don't make us confiscate all your stuff, John.
After a 'Back to the Future' marathon, John somehow managed to talk Rodney into upgrading his skateboard with parts from a Puddle Jumper's drive and inertial damper. From his wild whooping and laughter, the flying board was a dream come true for the wild-haired pilot – until he took wrong turn, that was. He crashed through the Gate Room window, bounced off the top of the Stargate and landed in a bloodied and bruised heap on the stairs.
After the Colonel regained consciousness, Carson and Elizabeth couldn't bring themselves to yell at him - he was already miserable enough as it was, mourning for his now completely totalled toy. The pair settled on tongue-lashing Rodney instead, much to the Canadian's bewilderment.
Rule 542: Under no circumstances should personnel attempt to repaint the city's insides.
A. Atlantis doesn't like it.
B. You won't like her reaction.
C. And neither do we.
A group of young scientists had decided that corridors near their quarters could use some colour. Using a variety of different spray paints, they started to cover the walls and ceilings in very bright graffiti. Their artistic activity lasted for just two days – until Atlantis' internal sensors reacted to the increased presence of foreign chemicals.
A lockdown trapped the wannabe painters without a way to escape, and then the decontamination procedure started. When the rescue teams finally hauled the very shocked and scared 'artists' to the Infirmary, Carson was torn between tearing his hair out and laughing wildly.
All of them - clothes, hair and skin included – had been bleached snow-white. The 'Albino Squad' instantly became the laughing stock of the expedition... and all the cans of spray paint mysteriously vanished.
Rule 543: DRONES ARE NOT TOYS, PEOPLE!
A. They happen to be extremely volatile weapons.
B. And we don't have an infinite supply of them.
Carson decided that some members of the expedition behaved like they were possessed by some kind of evil entity that hated him personally.
While exploring outskirts of the city, SGA-3 found two headbands that turned out to be remote control systems for the drones. Lorne, being himself, couldn't pass up the opportunity to try them first. Since none of his teammates could pose a real challenge for him, the Major recruited Lt Stackhouse into racing the drones around Atlantis.
Of course, the simple race soon proved to be far too easy for the two pilots – and in mere minutes, two of the Ancient weapons caused citywide chaos and panic as they began streaking between buildings and phasing through walls in a simulated dogfight.
Luckily, Sheppard was near Control Chair room, and the combination of both his own pilot's skills and his ATA gene allowed him to stop both missiles before they did any real damage. No one knew the exact details about what happened when the enraged Colonel caught up with his irresponsible officers, but for the next month, Dr. Beckett had two very quiet and obedient helpers in Infirmary.
Rule 544: Ronon is banned from taking part in the Mixed Martial Arts Competition.
It turned out that the Satedan was scarily good at the extreme fighting – too good in fact. After nine people ended up under Carson's care during the initials heats alone, the Scotsman took the ex runner to aside and very quietly informed him that he was not allowed to compete any further. Amazingly, Ronon just shrugged and accepted Beckett's decision, which surprised everyone on base.
They'd all forgotten two important things – Carson, although considerably smaller than Ronon, could be extremely persuasive at times. He was one of the only people who could get the big man to do as he was told.
And the second thing?
Bella, of course.
Rule 545: Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are no longer allowed to sell their hand-made gliders to any other personnel.
John and Rodney's revenge on Carson finally took shape when the boys went into business together, selling their home-made gliders to the rest of the expedition. As it turned out, John's original outing had sparked a city-wide interest in the device, and they soon had a mass of customers.
And when said customers all ended up in the Infirmary, Carson broke down in tears. The boys were called in to see a very angry Elizabeth, who proceeded to yell at them for three hours and then assigned them to waste disposal for a month.
Rule 546: There is no Rule 546...
Carson went quietly into hiding as the rest of the expedition read this one...
Rule 547: Please would all personnel remember that Red does not like peanut butter.
Red, SGA-3's blue badger, was almost as popular with the rest of the expedition as Fred and Angus were. As a result, everyone would give the amiable little creature snacks and treats. That was fine with both Red and SGA-3, until one of the Chemists gave the badger a peanut butter cookie.
It took the Command Staff an hour and a half to calm Red down, and then they had to extract the unfortunate Chemist so that Carson could patch him up. As it turned out, the blue badger had had an allergic reaction to the peanuts, making him the first alien animal to require the use of antihistamines.
Rule 548: Never touch Dr Beckett's shinty stick without permission.
When Chuck had broken his hockey stick, he borrowed (or rather, took without asking) Carson's shinty stick. When the Scotsman discovered it was missing, he became practically sociopathic until a very frightened Chuck returned it.
Everyone made a mental note to never, EVER touch the stick again, especially when they saw Carson stroking it and muttering 'precious... my precious...' under his breath.
Rule 549: I told you not to mock other people's accents!
A. That includes poking fun at the crew members from Texas.
B. You're also not allowed to poke fun at them just because they come from Texas.
The newbies had found their latest victims – the Texan members of the expedition. After a number of jokes about Texas, and a whole host of bad imitations of certain crew members, the Texans had had enough. They took their revenge – and Carson banged his head against the wall when he saw the state of the newbies.
The only reason that Fred wasn't now chasing the Texans around the city was that the Scotsman was secretly on their side – he'd been made fun of one too many times himself.
Rule 550: No yo-yo's on Atlantis.
A. No.
B. I mean it!
C. NO!
The Marines were going to find themselves shipped back to Earth in body bags if they kept it up. After the supposedly harmless children's toy was turned into a semi-lethal weapon, Carson got so angry that he had to lock himself in his quarters to avoid reverting to physical harm.
The Marines, meanwhile, were all in hiding – John had heard about their latest 'game' and wasn't too impressed with them. Once again, they'd neglected to ask the pilot if he wanted to join in.
Rule 551: Beach parties are perfectly fine as long as someone stays sober.
SGA-7 and 8 had decided to have a beach party on the mainland when they were placed on mandatory leave. To begin with, their idea was a fine one – until they all got more than a little bit tipsy on Radek's 'special' brew and decided to go swimming. After being rescued by Atlantis and being subjected to all manner of painful medical procedures, they vowed never to do it again.
Well, at least not until they'd gotten over their hangovers.
Rule 552: Party hats are not to be used as impromptu slingshots.
A. I don't CARE if they work really well.
B. You'll have someone's eye out.
SGA-14 had found a crate of party hats – the pointed ones with the elastic strap that fitted under a person's chin. And then they found a novel use for said party hats... as slingshots/handheld catapults. When they ended up nearly blinding Chuck after their 'battle' spilled into the control room, Carson's wrath reached a whole new level. He promptly confiscated all the hats and then went to talk to SGA-2 about borrowing Milo...
Rule 553: Any and all 'Sexiest Man on Atlantis' contests are hereby banned until further notice.
A. Even if Dr Weir says it's okay.
The girls had decided that there should be a 'Sexiest Man on Atlantis' contest. After several heats in which they made the guys do all manner of embarrassing tasks, the five finalists were announced. John, Ronon and Lorne were unsurprisingly the top three, but Rodney and Carson had been put through as well. (Apparently, quite a few ladies seemed to prefer the brainy types...)
The problems only started when Carson was crowned the winner, with Rodney a close second. Lorne got into a fight with the Scotsman, while John and Rodney began bickering amongst themselves. Ronon, on the other hand, found it all rather amusing and decided he should have sold tickets. Needless to say, when it was eventually broken up, all of them were admitted to the Infirmary, where Dr Cole let Bella sort them out.
Rule 554: Do not mention eating whales around Dr McKay or Colonel Sheppard.
A. Especially if you're thinking about eating Sam.
B. It's upsetting Rodney.
Rodney didn't like it when people joked about this and neither did John – after all, no one was allowed to mess with his geek and get away with it. When the Air Force man started ordering his Marines to dish out some 'justice', Elizabeth was furious and Carson was swamped with patients.
Rule 556: Teyla is not allowed to get drunk by order of Dr Weir.
A. Please, woman, you're going to give Carson a stroke!
After the Athosian had gotten so drunk that she inadvertently started a civil war between the Medics and the Botanists, Carson was so stressed out that he sedated himself for an entire week.
Rule 557: Smoky is not allowed anywhere near the Infirmary.
A. If I see that wretched alien monkey again, I'm going to shoot the little bugger.
SGA-10's mascot was causing Carson all manner of grief. For some reason, the little alien lemur didn't like the Scotsman and had snuck into the Infirmary on several occasions... resulting in absolute chaos. Carson was getting fed up of having to clean up all the mess, and wasn't exactly thrilled when Smoky bit him repeatedly.
Rule 558: Dr Beckett is not allowed to use Fred to attack other people's mascots.
Carson snapped after Smoky's latest rampage, and sicced Fred on him. SGA-10 were furious when they found their pet hiding on the roof of the Jumper Bay and promptly started a fight with Carson.
John and Rodney, with Milo and Angus in tow, were called to break it up before things got any worse.
Rule 559: You are not allowed to dangle people upside down from the balconies.
A. It's not very nice.
B. PACK IT IN, YA RADGE BASTARDS – I WON FAIR AND SQUARE!!!
John was still angry with Rodney over the results of the 'Sexiest Man' contest – and had decided to hang his geek upside down off of the central tower's highest balcony after he'd become convinced that the Canadian had somehow rigged the voting. When Elizabeth finally persuaded him to pull Rodney up, they had to take the scientist to Carson to be treated for extreme shock.
The Scotsman was so angry with John that he beat him round the head with his 'Sexiest Man' crown.
Rule 560: Do not steal other people's hair gel.
A. You know Colonel Sheppard can't function like a normal human being without it.
Rodney had taken his revenge on John for the balcony incident by stealing all the Air Force man's supplies of hair gel. Two days later, he promptly handed it back after John had stopped talking and the rest of the Command Staff had gotten scared. Carson was beginning to wonder when a couple of escaped inmates from a lunatic asylum had started to impersonate his friends.
Okay, the last chapter will be up soon, but please keep giving me ideas! I'm starting to scrape the barrel a bit...
