Ha-ha! I'm back once again! For those of you who haven't seen the Special Update on my profile page, I'll repeat it here. Basically, I was both awestruck and touched by the popularity of this story and by all the replies I received when I said this was going to be the last chapter. So I had a pow-wow with my badgers and plot bunnies, and I've decided to keep going for a little bit longer... *jumps up and down with excitement and has a massive adrenaline rush*
I don't know how long, but I'll do my best! And thank you to everyone who'd given me loads of ideas/prompts/fully fledged rules. The following people are responsible for my change of heart and I send them all virtual!cookies for their enthusiasm and words of encouragement:
Shadows-of-Realm – who provided more prompts than I thought possible from one person! The ones I've used here made up Rules 564 (which was also something that Sidewinder wanted to see), 571, 575/6, 586, 578, 589 to 594, 599 and 600.
Scotius – who gave me Rules 580 and 581.
cookie-moimoi – who was responsible for the initial prompt behind Rule 579.
Saphreanna Grea – who gave me the basis for Rules 562, 562 and 572.
anotamous – who wanted to see Rules 595 to 597.
E. Nagrom – who asked for Rule 574.
There were also prompts from Jen-NCIS-Lover, LetyBaroque, T-man626 and several others. I got so many that I've got enough for at least another couple of chapters.
And now I present the 'not-quite-last-but-possibly-not-too-far-off-from-it' chapter. Enjoy!
Rule 561: Do not wander around on off-world missions without your radio.
A. It'll just end in tears.
Sergeant Domino had made the mistake of checking out some Ancient ruins on his own, without ensuring that his radio was switched on. When his team-mates couldn't get in contact with him, they jumped to the conclusion that the natives of the planet had captured/beaten/sold/killed him, and launched an attack against the village. Fortunately, no one died, but Sergeant Domino was still sporting two black eyes, a very badly sprained wrist and a broken nose.
Whether it was the natives or his team-mates was still up for debate, but the poor man was still awfully quiet around Carson.
Rule 562: Twister is only to be played during down time.
A. And if you've got a sensible adult supervising.
B. Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay are NOT classed as 'sensible adults'.
Twister Madness had struck the city and left a lot of uncomfortable people in its wake. The injuries ranged from sprained muscles and broken bones to concussions and, in one case, internal bleeding. When Carson found out that John and Rodney were responsible, having requisitioned one of the boards from General O'Neill, he was not impressed.
And neither were the boys once the Scotsman had finished with them...
Rule 563: Human Pyramids are banned.
Carson didn't even want to know what had led the technicians to believe that they were accomplished acrobats. (Although secretly, he wondered if they'd been drinking the hallucinogenic tea...) However, the Scotsman was not amused when they all reported to the Infirmary with a myriad of injuries.
Rule 564: Do not 'borrow' Ronon's gun.
A. Ever.
B. Not unless you want to die before you see your next birthday.
Lorne decided that he was going to 'borrow' Ronon's blaster. The resulting smack down between SGA-3's leader and the Satedan was impressive but very messy. Carson swore at them in his native tongue for an hour and a half while he stopped the worst of the bleeding. Then he locked himself in his office and left Bella to sort out the rest.
Rule 565: Depriving the Scientists of caffeine and sugar is an incredibly dangerous thing to do.
A. I've already warned you about this, people.
Lorne and Parrish had had a massive fight that ended up with the pilot stealing all the coffee and sugar supplies that the Science Department had stashed. After a very messy rebellion that left three people in Intensive Care and several more on restricted duties until everything had finished healing, Carson posted this rule.
Then he went and had words with Evan, who found he couldn't walk properly for the next week.
Rule 566: SGA-1 are no longer allowed anywhere near the kitchens without supervision.
It was official – the gang couldn't even make toast without the entire world going to hell in a hand basket. After the team ended up requiring numerous stitches, Carson whacked all of them round the back of the head and called them idiots in both English and Gaelic.
Rule 567: Do not steal other people's mascots.
SGA-1 were angry when SGA-8 tried to 'borrow' Angus. SGA-9 learnt the hard way that Milo wasn't allowed out on loan, while SGA-14 discovered that Smoky was somewhat averse to being lemur-napped.
And if all that wasn't bad enough, the Marines were caught red handed trying to smuggle Fred out of the Infirmary. Carson was less than pleased and joined forced with the other pet owners to take revenge. It wasn't very pretty, and Elizabeth had to spend a week on the mainland to recover from the trauma.
Rule 568: Easter Eggs are to be eaten in moderation.
It turned out that both the Marines and the Scientists just didn't know when to say 'no'. Having consumed more chocolate in three hours than anyone thought was physically possible, Carson found his ward packed with personnel suffering from indigestion, stomach cramps and nausea.
Rule 569: You are not allowed to make Easter Eggs using the chocolate bean things that SGA-1 brought back from their last off-world mission.
SGA-1 had found a plant on P7X-223 that looked remarkably like a cocoa plant. Rodney had brought back some samples, which the Cooks had proceeded to use in order to make more Easter Eggs. Unfortunately, nobody realised until too late that although the beans looked and smelled like cocoa, and tasted amazing, they produced some rather interesting side effects.
Carson was not amused when he woke up the next morning to discover that he'd miraculously grown cat's ears and a matching tail overnight.
Rule 570: DO NOT DRESS FRED UP AS THE EASTER BUNNY!!!
Carson was not only very angry at the state his alien wolf was in, but was also thoroughly concerned for Elizabeth's mental state.
Rule 571: Building and using a submarine is fine.
A. Unless you happen to be Dr McKay or Colonel Sheppard.
The boys were in trouble once again, this time because they'd built a submarine to explore underneath the city. After said submarine got wedged under the south pier, it took the combined forces of three Jumpers, Radek, a very unhappy Carson in the control chair and even Atlantis herself to get them free.
Rule 572: Personnel are reminded that when they are on trips to the mainland, they are prohibited from playing in the forest after dark.
John had sulked for a week after Carson posted this. He was now stalking through the city, declaring loudly that 'three out of five' wasn't so bad. What he didn't add was that the number were indicative of how many times he'd ended up in the Infirmary.
Rule 573: Chair Stacking, although a very cool sport, is DANGEROUS.
After Twister was unofficially banned by the CMO, the expedition turned to the next best thing – chair stacking. The game was played much like a giant version of Jenga – except that rather than pulling pieces out, the aim was to build the tallest structure possible and then sit on the top. The winner was the person who didn't either fall off or knock the stack down.
Unfortunately, the expedition members weren't very well practiced in this particular game, and Carson soon had his hands full. He was beginning to wonder whether he should just kill the lot of them and be done with it. It would certainly make the city a lot quieter.
Rule 574: Corn starch and water are not to be used near people's stereo systems.
The Marines had bribed the Cooks into lending them some corn starch, claiming that they'd run out of talc for the gym. In actuality, they just wanted to make as big a mess as humanly possible. They'd discovered that when you added water to a certain amount of corn starch, the resulting gloop turned rock solid.
The only down side to their plan was that they'd chosen to test out their newest past-time on Major Lorne's stereo. Needless to say, Evan wasn't amused when he saw the state of his adored sound system and went postal. Carson couldn't stop laughing when he saw the state of the Marines.
Rule 575: Do not lock Colonel Caldwell in the brig.
A. He's not a Goa'uld anymore, Colonel Sheppard.
For God only knew what reason, John had gotten it into his head that Caldwell was playing host to another snake – and decided to lock him in the brig. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten that he'd already locked their newest Wraith prisoner, Tim, in there. Matters were made even more complicated when it emerged that the Marines had jammed the controls with their corn starch cement...
Rule 576: Do not shoot Dr McKay with a Wraith Stunner.
Rodney had been called upon to try and break Caldwell out before Tim got hungry. While he was successful and the commander of the Daedalus got out unharmed by his cell-mate, he promptly grabbed a Wraith stunner from the nearest guard and fired.
He'd been intending to hit John, but the Air Force man ducked – and the blast hit Rodney right in the face. Carson was not happy when he saw the state of the Canadian, and even less impressed when John and Caldwell reported to him with bruises and matching black eyes.
Rule 577: Do not use corn starch and water to turn people into living statues.
The Marines found a novel use for their newest toy. Carson was less than impressed when he had to 'un-cake' seventeen people in two hours.
Rule 578: Do not leave inflatable sheep lying around in the Infirmary.
A. It's not funny.
Nobody was really sure where 'Dolly' had come from, but Carson failed to see the cause for all the mirth. He vowed and declared that if he ever caught the person responsible, they'd be for it.
SGA-1 were being very, very quiet...
Rule 579: The female contingent are reminded that they are all meant to be mature, sensible adults.
A. Acting like deranged fangirls is not acceptable behaviour, ladies.
B. You're scaring the men.
The Atlantis expedition happened to have several men who were more than a bit good-looking... and some of the ladies had happened to notice this fact. When Carson, John, Rodney, Lorne, Ronon, Parrish, Radek, Sgt Domino, Stackhouse, Corporal Jenkins and half a dozen other lads all went into hiding, Elizabeth put an end to the stalking.
The guys were very relieved, but they still flinched whenever the girls started giggling.
Rule 580: Dr. Beckett is not allowed to sedate people without valid reason.
A. It's very unprofessional, Carson.
B. John and Rodney are really upset with you.
Carson had finally gotten fed up with the constant complaining and whining of his most frequent patients. When the pair entered infirmary for the fifth time in as many hours, he simply sedated them on the spot and proceeded with a very thorough medical examination. He was somewhat perplexed with the results until his 'guests' awakened.
As it turned out, both of them were perfectly fine. John and Rodney just wanted to invite their friend to dinner.
Rule 581: No smoking inside Atlantis.
A. Do you really want to join Albino Squad?
Obviously the various incidents involving smoke and chemicals didn't teach the expedition members anything. When Dr. Benetti found a bag of tobacco inside his regular care package from his family, he immediately lit his pipe... and nearly suffocated when Atlantis filled his room with fire-retardant foam and decontamination chemicals.
Rule 582: The Medics are not allowed to use slang when speaking about their patients.
Carson and his staff were all in BIG trouble when the rest of the expedition finally figured out what some of their medical 'mumbo-jumbo' actually meant. While they agreed that some of it was actually quite funny (like PGT – Pissed Got Thumped), they were less than impressed with other examples (such as AST – Acute Thespian Syndrome, or the ever popular GOMER – Get Out of My Emergency Room.)
Carson and his teams had to hand over half their Oreo stashes to appease the angry mob.
Rule 583: It is physically impossible to lick your elbow.
A. STOP TRYING IT!
It was truly staggering how thick some people could be. When Ronon and Corporal Jenkins were both admitted to the Infirmary with severe neck injuries and pulled shoulders, Carson was startled... until he found out the reason.
Rule 584: Do not dial the DHD with your elbow.
Chuck had been showing off in front of one of the pretty new technicians and had dialled the Gate with his elbow. SGA-13 were startled to discover that they ended up on a completely different planet to the one they were meant to be going to.
Carson was on the verge of asking the SGC for horse tranquilisers.
Rule 585: Stop chasing people with frying pans.
SGA-13 didn't take too kindly to ending up on a Wraith infested planet rather than meeting up with the Raffians on P9X-444. When they finally got back to the city, they vented their displeasure on Chuck by chasing the poor technician around Atlantis with a frying pan for seven hours.
Carson nearly had a nervous breakdown when he saw the state of them.
Rule 586: Bungee jumping from Puddle Jumpers is hereby prohibited.
Only a week after being released following the incident with Ronon's gun, Lorne wound up back in the Infirmary – this time with John and Rodney in tow. When Carson nearly burst an artery, they quickly confessed. John and Lorne had decided to bungee jump from the back of a Jumper that was being piloted by Rodney. Surprisingly, the Canadian's piloting skills weren't the reason for their injuries – they'd collided in mid-jump.
Rule 587: The Science Department are not allowed to build anything until further notice.
Although Carson had banned Laser Tag twice already, he'd forgotten that the Scientists didn't quite understand the meaning of the word 'no'. When he discovered that they'd rebuilt the equipment and had started running the game again, he banged his head against the nearest wall so hard that he literally saw stars.
Rule 588: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to get the crew of the Daedalus drunk.
A. That includes Hermiod, John.
After the incident involving Major Marks, everyone thought that they'd be safe from drunk flying. Unfortunately, John thought it would be funny to see what happened when he got Hermiod drunk. (In his defence, the Asgard had been particularly rude about Rodney's abilities, something which always made the pilot see red.)
After he and Rodney ended up under Carson's care, John realised the error of his ways and promptly sent a message to Caldwell in apology. Rodney, meanwhile, was now in a foul mood with John – Hermiod had decided in his inebriated state to beam them to and from the east pier repeatedly, and they now both had another case of beaming bends.
Carson was so angry that he couldn't find the words to yell at the Air Force man.
Rule 589: Do not sit on top of the Stargate.
John had gotten drunk and decided to sit on top of the Gate. That wasn't a problem until it activated and nearly took both his legs off. When he'd both sobered up and recovered from the shock, he had to deal with an irate Carson who wasn't best pleased with him. It didn't help matters when Rodney got wind of his latest escapade.
Rule 590: The Marines are not allowed to steal inventions created by the Scientists.
The Marines decided that they wanted exclusive access the Laser Tag equipment and stole it. After a base wide 'game' that resulted in nearly two thirds of the expedition being admitted to the Infirmary, Carson just rolled his eyes skyward and muttered incoherently.
Rule 591: The Medics are not allowed to 'confiscate' stolen inventions.
To avoid running out of room on the ward, Carson confiscated the Laser Tag equipment. The next day, he and Bella were admitted to the Infirmary with third degree burns and matching sheepish expressions. When asked how they received their injuries, they both remained stubbornly silent.
Laser Tag, anybody?
Rule 592: Do not touch the DHD crystal.
Rodney had nearly had a heart attack when he discovered that Radek had smashed the control crystal for Atlantis' DHD. When confronted, the Czech protested that he'd only done it because the crystal had 'bitten' him. Carson sighed wearily and let Fred deal with them.
Rule 593: Intelligence contests are now on the banned sports list.
A. Don't ask.
After the crystal fiasco, Rodney and Radek had a grudge to settle, and decided to have an intelligence contest. Lorne and John sold tickets, claiming it was going to be the 'Geek Smack Down of the Century'.
It was a brawl, alright, but not because of Atlantis' top two brains. Ronon had decided that he was bored halfway through and stunned everyone.
Rule 594: Teyla is hereby banned from drinking any and all alcohol until further notice.
The Athosian's behaviour while under the influence was really rather worrying. After she told Carson that Medicine wasn't a proper science and that she never wanted to undergo another voodoo ritual ever again, Carson promptly banned her from alcohol.
He then went and had a 'wee chat' with Rodney.
Rule 595: Do not race the Jumpers and the F302s.
It all started when John bet Caldwell that his Jumper could out fly an F302 any day of the week. Since the commander of the Daedalus was really a boy racer at heart, he accepted the challenge.
When both of them ended up nearly crashing into the south pier, Carson went ballistic.
Rule 596: Do not race the Darts and the F302s.
John and Caldwell's race had sparked a renewed interest in racing that had Carson reaching for his supply of sleeping pills. This time, it was Lorne and John who had the race – which ended when John decided to attempt to beam up Lorne's fighter jet with the Wraith scooping device.
Amazingly, it worked and the Major was restored unharmed, but Beckett was so angry with the pair of them that he nearly had a stroke.
Rule 597: NO MORE SPACE RACES!!!
John was gleefully corrupting the entire expedition. The Air Force man somehow managed to get a whole fleet together for what was soon termed the 'Great Atlantis Space Race'. Even more surprising than Rodney being among the first to sign up was the fact that Carson wanted in.
He reasoned that if he couldn't beat them, he'd join them. Everything was going relatively well, with no accidents, crashes or injuries... until Carson lost control of Jumper Seven and crashed into Rodney's Dart. Needless to say, Elizabeth was furious when she found that two of her section heads would be out of commission for at least a month and posted this rule.
John, meanwhile, had decided to hide in the one place no one would ever think to look for him – Rodney's room.
Rule 598: No Cannabis plants on Atlantis!
A. You're already daft enough as it is.
B. You don't need illegal drugs to help you act like two year olds!
Parrish had discovered an Ancient version of Cannabis on one of SGA-3's trips off-world and had brought back a sample for testing. What he didn't realise was that the plant had the ability to attach itself to other species of flora and fauna...
Carson was not amused when he had to deal with half the expedition being stoned out of their heads after the Cooks had inadvertently served 'hash cabbage' to everyone.
Rule 599: If Teal'c comes to visit, he is not allowed to spar with Ronon.
A. And Colonel Sheppard is not allowed to sell tickets.
When SG-1's resident Jaffa came for a visit, he and Ronon decided to have a sparring match. Unable to resist such a golden opportunity, John and Lorne sold more tickets.
Unfortunately, Elizabeth just happened to walk in at the wrong moment and took a blow to the face. In a display that scared three quarters of the male personnel, she promptly sprang to her feet and smashed a water jug over Ronon's head.
Carson had the mother of all headaches when the gang turned up at his door...
Rule 600: Dr Weir is not allowed to throw personnel off of the balconies.
A. I don't care if John was annoying you, Elizabeth, it's bloody unprofessional.
B. And you're making my workload impossible.
Elizabeth had decided that John caused far too much trouble and proceeded to throw him off a balcony. Her reasoning was that if he was in the Infirmary, said trouble would go away...
Unfortunately, neither John nor Carson could see the logic in her argument. Instead, they finked her out to Rodney and sat back to watch when the Canadian went spare.
My muses are back! Hurray! Like I said, there could well be at least another couple of chapters – I really want to try to make it to 20! Let me know what y'all think!
