Chapter Twenty Eight: Panic
Part 1
Lucrecia forced herself to take another slow step forward when her every instinct screamed at her to turn back toward the door and run. Her heart raced wildly, her pulse nearly deafening as the tears continued to fall from her eyes. She had managed to remain reasonably calm up until the last thirty seconds, but now she was terrified.
She nearly forgot to breathe, her teeth chattering as violently as if she'd stepped outside in the dead of winter. Her eyes remained locked on Vincent's unmoving form as she paused, desperate to reach his side but unsure of how he might react. He had lowered his head again, panting and moaning on his hands and knees. His skin was the same grayish purple of Chaos' thick hide, though it was still quite human. His prosthetic hand scratched jagged grooves into the concrete as he clawed at it in agony, his right hand partially warped into a demonic talon and curled up in a tight fist. The sharp nails had sliced into his palm, thick drops of blood falling onto the floor.
She tried not to stare at the leathery wings expanding from his back and spilling over his body on either side of him, but it was nearly impossible. The sight of a human being with wings, especially when it was her lover, was as horrifying as it was fascinating. She was nearly transfixed as she took another careful step toward him, watching the way they shifted with each breath he took and occasionally twitched as if of their own volition. If the situation had not been so dire, the scientist in her would have had hundreds of questions. But at that moment all she knew was that Vincent was in trouble, he was hurting, and he needed her.
Seeing him in so much pain tore at her heart, and it took everything she had not to break down completely. She could almost feel his pain and misery, but she knew she could not give in to how much it was killing her to see him this way. All her life, she had been weak and unable to make the right decision with a clear head when it mattered most. This time, she would not let him down. She had to show him she had changed, that she'd learned from her mistakes and was strong enough to be there for him when he needed to lean on her. She had promised. If he was ever to believe her, she needed to show him. If she let herself think about how much pain he was in, if she allowed herself to stop and hear how hard he was struggling to breathe, or focus on his sounds of pain or the screech of his claw digging into the concrete, she knew she would lose her composure and be useless to him. There would be time to deal with her feelings and cry for him later. She couldn't help him and try to ease his suffering if she fell apart, but standing there watching him shivering before her on his hands and knees, broken and miserable, was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. She had never seen anyone in so much pain before, and knowing how much he had already endured at Hojo's hands because of choices she'd made only made it harder.
Lucrecia tried to remember everything Vincent and Aeris had ever told her about Chaos as she decided how to best approach him. It was extremely difficult to focus as she listened to the sounds of his suffering and struggled to stop the flow of tears that fell from her eyes, but she grit her teeth and did the best she could. She had to focus. She had to be strong. She knew that any sudden movements would only excite the predator attempting to break free from Vincent's body, and she didn't intend to give the demon any assistance. She bit her lip when she realized that she might have already inadvertently made Vincent's condition worse by the way she'd handled things thus far, but she'd been so determined to prevent him from leaving that she had not considered the possibility. Now, there was no more room for error. That was painfully obvious when she looked down at Vincent's trembling body, half expecting him to finish transforming at any moment. And then what would she do…?
But there was still a chance. There had to be. Lucrecia had just been telling him as much, and she had to show him she believed it… and believed in him. She briefly closed her eyes and took a deep breath, realizing she needed to calm herself for more reason than one. As a predator with sharp instincts, Chaos would only be excited by her fear. She had kept her cool when she came across the demon face to face, and it may have been what saved her life. She desperately tried to get control of her emotions, wanting to give Vincent any advantage she could. She wanted nothing more than to go to him and wrap her arms around him, to try to take away his pain and assure him that everything would be all right, and the last thing he needed was for her to panic.
"Vincent…" she said softly, taking another step closer. She was within a few feet of him now, and it killed her not to kneel down beside him and take him in her arms. It didn't matter what he looked like, whether he believed that or not. He didn't seem to react to the sound of her voice, moaning pitifully without changing positions. His arms trembled so badly beneath his weight that she feared they would give way. It was obvious that he could not get back to his feet, and she no longer feared he was going to leave their apartment. He was in no condition to go anywhere. Whatever happened was going to happen right there… and soon.
Unsure if he was even aware of her presence, or what his current mental state was, she knew she needed to get his attention before she risked coming any closer and possibly startling him. Feeling a bit stronger as her tears dried and her heart rate slowed a bit, Lucrecia tried not to think about how much he was hurting as she focused on reaching him.
"Vincent, can you hear me?" she finally managed to ask, raising her trembling voice. It echoed across the basement, startling her and making her jump. There was still no obvious response after several tense seconds and she frowned, fresh tears filling her eyes. Maybe it was too late, and he was no longer able to recognize her voice or even his own name. If that was the case, she had no idea what else to do to help him. There may not have been a thing she could do… but how could she simply stand by and watch him suffer as a demon put him through hell and slowly stole ownership of his body? Lucrecia already knew the answer to that question. She couldn't.
Just as she became convinced that he could not hear her and began to consider other options, Vincent slowly lifted his head. Lucrecia gasped, watching as he opened his eyes. They were blurry and unfocused, raised no higher than her waist level for long moments before he hesitantly met her gaze. Her heart began to race all over again when their eyes connected, and for a moment she was staring into his soul. Vincent was still very much present, and though his eyes were a deeper red and shining far more than the usual soft glow she'd grown used to in the dark, they belonged to her lover and not the demon. There was so much raw emotion in his eyes that it was nearly overwhelming… Pain, fear, desperation, shame, and a burning, undying love.
"I'm sorry…" he whispered, his voice so weak and quiet she barely heard him as he paused to gasp for breath. "I tried… so hard. Never wanted you… to see… this…" He squeezed his eyes closed as a violent tremor wracked his body, and when he lowered his head again Lucrecia swore she heard him whimper.
"Oh, Vincent…"
Lucrecia crossed the remaining distance between them and dropped to her knees before him, any lingering fear washed away. She was scarcely aware of the tears that flowed down her cheeks, focused only on comforting her lover any way she could. It was obvious that he was fighting Chaos with every ounce of his strength, but she had no idea how much longer he could possibly hold out. She knew almost nothing about the process and what usually happened, only that it was unpleasant and very painful. He had never been willing to tell her more, and the most she'd ever seen of a transformation in progress were the early signs he hadn't been able to hide before he'd escaped onto the roof earlier in the evening.
She reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder, shocked by how rigid his muscles were beneath his discolored skin. Vincent flinched at her gentle touch, quickly lifting his head again. His eyes were wide with alarm, but when he opened his mouth he couldn't seem to form the words. He turned his head and stared at her hand, closing his eyes and trying to bite down on a cry of pain, and when he opened them again he slowly shook his head. Lucrecia realized he seemed unable to speak again, but he was making himself clear nonetheless. He didn't want her to touch him, a near panicked look in his eyes. She heard his rapid breathing increase, quickly removing her hand before she upset him further.
"Vincent, it's okay," she said softly, relieved when he at least made eye contact again for a moment before they began to dart wildly around the room. He looked like a cornered animal, frantic and desperate to escape while already knowing he was trapped. "Please let me help you."
That got his attention. Vincent shook his head rapidly and tried to crawl backwards to put distance between them, managing to move only a short distance before crying out in agony and doubling over. Lucrecia lifted a hand to her mouth to stifle a sob as she watched him attempt to drag himself and those huge demonic wings across the floor. The sight of them hindering his movements so badly made her realize that this transformation could not possibly be typical, but he was fighting so hard to prevent it from happening that he seemed to have almost 'paused' the process. He was paying for it dearly, and the fact that he was still trying to get away when he was hurting so badly instead of accepting her aid wounded her soul. Didn't he trust her despite everything they'd experienced together since her return? She knew it had only been about ten weeks, but they had already grown so dependent on each other. Or was he still trying to protect her even as his body was being torn apart?
"Get… away…" he growled, gasping for air and unable to move any farther. He had only managed to back up about two feet, and Lucrecia cautiously shifted toward him while his head was down and his hair shielded his face from view. She was vaguely aware of skinning her bare knees on the rough cement, almost glad to be able to feel some small amount of the physical pain Vincent was enduring.
"I won't leave you like this," she whispered, her voice trembling as she closed the distance between them. "I love you, and you're hurting. Let me be here for you…"
She watched Vincent's back rise and fall as he heaved a great sigh, the wings briefly mirroring the motion before returning, lifeless, to the floor. "Please… go…"
"Vincent, I can't," Lucrecia tearfully insisted, her voice breaking as she bit back a sob. "I won't."
When he raised his head and met her eyes through a curtain of black hair, they were both frozen in place by the unexpected intensity of what passed between them. Over thirty years of love and longing, hurt and disappointment, guilt and grief. Vincent's eyes screamed at her to run, yet begged her to stay. He needed her so badly, but he was trying so hard to push her away. His fear and pain were so great that it sent a shiver down her spine, and she could not help but reach out to him again. Their eyes remained locked as she extended her arm and placed the palm of her hand against his cheek, gently caressing his face and forcing him to maintain eye contact. He tensed and seemed about to pull away again, but after a moment she felt him lean into her touch. He exhaled sharply through his nose, and though he was still trembling violently and unable to lift himself from his hands and knees, she allowed herself a moment of hope.
"I will always be here for you," she told him firmly, praying there was no fear in her expression and that her eyes reflected the sincerity of her words. She was terrified, but not of him. She was afraid for him, frightened that what he had to endure was too heavy a burden for anyone to carry no matter how strong and determined they were. And as selfish as it was, she was scared to death that she might one day lose him to Chaos for good. But in his current state she doubted he would understand the difference, fighting as hard as she could to keep her fears and insecurities hidden. The last thing she wanted was for him to think she was afraid of him, or was repulsed by his condition.
Vincent could only stare at her wordlessly, though he briefly squeezed his eyes closed in concentration as another spasm of pain tore through his body. She could feel the way he grit his teeth as she kept her hand resting along the side of his face, relieved that he did not turn away. He continued to lean into her touch as if it was soothing, exactly what Lucrecia had intended. All she wanted was to provide him with some measure of comfort, to show him that he was still human, that she loved and accepted him exactly as he was. If such a simple gesture was helpful, maybe there was a slight chance that she could help him avoid completing the transformation. And if not, at least she would be there by his side instead of leaving him to go through it alone.
"You don't have to say anything," she told him softly, running her hand back through his hair. She intentionally traced her fingers over the edges of his pointed ear to show him that she didn't care, that she was not repelled and was able to handle the changes happening to his body. She was certain no one had ever touched him while he was in any stage of a transformation, other than perhaps in battle, and maybe that was part of his problem. She watched as Vincent twitched a little, then tilted his head toward her hand. His features were still pinched with pain and his breathing remained strained and ragged, but he didn't seem to be getting any worse as near as she could tell. "Just try to relax," she coaxed him, moving her hand forward again to rest along his jaw line. His eyes slid closed, his long lashes making him appear almost peaceful until he grimaced with pain again.
"I can tell how hard you're fighting this," she told him quietly, her voice wavering with barely contained tears. Every time she managed to stop crying, the tears barely dried on her cheeks, fresh ones would fall to take their place. "I know how much you're suffering… and I know you never wanted me to see this. But it's okay… I can handle it, and I'm going to stay with you no matter what happens."
Vincent's eyes flew open and he groaned miserably, lifting his right arm from the floor and weakly reaching toward her. As he did so, his other arm finally buckled beneath his weight. Lucrecia gasped and moved forward faster than she thought she was able, pushing her much smaller body beneath his and catching him before he fell. She grit her teeth as she struggled to lift him up into something resembling a sitting position, letting him lean heavily against her. She was reminded of just how much he weighed despite his lean build, and right now he seemed more solid than usual. There was also the matter of the cumbersome wings to contend with. They dragged against the floor behind him as she helped him adjust, finally lifting a few inches from the ground to fold up closer against his back.
Vincent remained upright only because he was pressed against her side, his long legs curled awkwardly beneath him. Lucrecia was left breathless, her muscles screaming against the sudden exertion as she used all of her body weight to support him. She jumped when she felt something touch her opposite shoulder a moment later, her eyes widening when she realized his wings had spread out again and one of them was now resting clumsily across her back. It felt strange and her first instinct was to shift away, but she reminded herself that it was attached to Vincent's body and forced herself to relax, hoping he hadn't noticed her initial reaction. Unfortunately, it was too late.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, weakly trying to move away from her. He nearly pitched forward again and she thrust her arm across his chest, just barely holding him up. He moaned pitifully, a powerful shudder running through his body. He closed his eyes and began to tremble violently, and for a moment she feared he was about to lose control entirely.
"Vincent!" she exclaimed, her heart in her throat as he slumped against her side and nearly knocked them both to the ground. "You have got to listen to me!" She quickly regained her balance and reached out to gently turned his chin toward her, forcing his dazed, pain-filled eyes to search out hers. "You have to stop worrying and calm down. I think no differently of you, and when this is over I will still be here. Nothing will be any different, I promise you. I love you, baby…"
He stared at her dully as if he didn't comprehend the words, and for a moment Lucrecia feared that the demon had finally taken over his mind. But after a pause he tilted his head and blinked, lowering his eyes in shame. "But I'm… a monster…"
"No…" Lucrecia whispered, letting the tears fall again. She tenderly caressed his cheek, hoping she could continue to support his weight and encourage him to relax. Though she had always loved the large size difference between them she suddenly wished he was not quite so tall. "You're not a monster, Vincent. You're beautiful…"
Vincent's reaction to her quiet words stunned her. He laughed. But it was not the deep, wonderful laugh that had caught her so off guard when he'd been amused by Yuffie's arrest report the night before. It was a bitter sound, rough and ugly, shaking his entire body with pain. The red of his eyes grew darker, a sneer turning up one side of his mouth and displaying several long, sharp fangs as he stared at her in disbelief.
"Please don't lie to save my feelings," Vincent said… but the voice that emerged sounded almost nothing like him. It was cold and gravelly, nearly a growl, and combined with the harsh look in his eyes Lucrecia suddenly felt as if there was a stranger resting so intimately against her with his face only inches away. He reached up with his prosthetic and roughly removed her hand from his cheek, though she noted he was still careful not to cut her with the sharp edges. She began to shiver again and hoped he wouldn't notice because of how badly his own body continued to spasm and shake, forcing herself to look him in the eye and keep her expression as close to neutral as she could manage. His words hurt her deeply, but she told herself that it was Chaos' influence making him say such things. The demon wanted nothing more than to take control of Vincent's body, and if she was the reason he was fighting the transformation so hard, it made sense that he would want to scare her away. Lucrecia was not about to let that happen.
"You know I wouldn't lie to you," she said quietly, trying to look past the angry expression on his face. It was so out of place on his delicate features, usually so calm and gentle when he looked her way, that it disturbed her more than the changes to his body. "I know you can't help any of this. I just want to sit here with you until you feel better…"
Lucrecia knew she was likely being unrealistic, but maybe that was what he needed to hear. She didn't have a clue what his Avalanche teammates did when they'd seen him begin to transform, but she had a feeling it wasn't anything like this. That wouldn't have been possible during a conflict, which was where she assumed it had almost always occurred in their presence, but even if it hadn't she suspected they would have shunned him with the exception of Aeris… and she dearly hoped their son. Lucrecia also knew many of them continued to treat him as an outcast and even a danger despite everything he'd done and continued to do as part of their team. Chaos was a large part of why, and Vincent deserved to have at least one person on the Planet who treated him with dignity and respect when he was forced to combat his inner demon. If she couldn't be that person for him, then who?
"No…" he protested, and this time the voice was his own. His expression softened and he closed his eyes for a moment, wincing in pain as she felt his entire body tense at her side. The wing resting against her back twitched several time, then went eerily still again as it fell against her back. It was surprisingly warm, far less unpleasant than she would have expected something so harsh in appearance to feel.
"Shhh," Lucrecia comforted him, glancing behind them and noting with relief that they were only a few feet away from the wall. She was having a difficult time supporting him with nothing to lean against and her body was already beginning to tire. After slipping one arm tightly around his waist, she began using her legs and free hand to awkwardly push them backwards across the cold floor, dragging him along with her as best she could. Vincent's eyes widened and he looked alarmed for a moment, unsure of what was happening. He had been so focused on fighting Chaos that he seemed to have forgotten where he was, glancing around the room in a panic. When he finally realized what she was doing, he tried to assist her as much as he was able, though his movements were weak and awkward. She smiled at him gratefully, relieved that he was cooperating and aware enough to know she was trying to help him.
When they finally reached the wall, Lucrecia pushed their backs up against it, relieved to have the extra support. Vincent groaned and threw his head backwards with a dull thud, stretching his long legs out in front of him. His prosthetic arm rested like dead weight in his lap, his other hand situated partially between them. His wings remained spread out behind him, pressed between their bodies and the stone wall. Lucrecia had no idea what else to do with them and felt too awkward to ask. The contact wasn't bothering her in any way, though he kept glancing behind them uncomfortably and clearly did not like the fact that the right wing was still spread out behind her back. She wondered if it was painful for him to have them trapped up against the wall that way, unsure if it was okay to lean her weight against it. He was doing so, however, and there seemed no other practical way to position him. She tried not to worry about it and act as if the wings weren't there, not wanting to make him any more self conscious than he already was. He seemed to be trembling less, and the severe bouts of pain were coming more infrequently now that he was somewhat calmer. He didn't look any better, but he didn't appear any more demonic, either.
"That's better," she said to break the awkward silence, pleased that Vincent was breathing a bit slower once he'd had a moment to settle in beside her. He was still sweating and moaning every few moments in obvious agony, but he had stopped fighting her aid for the time being. She realized he may have simply run out of energy when she saw how exhausted he appeared, wondering with some alarm if he would soon be too tired to continue holding back Chaos. She'd wanted him to relax, but what would happen if he fell asleep or became unconscious? His eyelids had grown heavy, threatening to close at any moment as he shuddered with another spasm and grit his teeth. "Vincent? Stay with me, baby."
He blinked, fighting to focus his eyes as he turned his head to look at her. For just a moment she could have sworn he looked tearful, but another bolt of pain forced him to double over, crying out as he gripped his stomach with his normal hand. Lucrecia tried to wrap her arm around him, but it was difficult because of the wings and she settled for awkwardly rubbing his shoulder and running her hand through his hair. She gave up on holding back the tears, deciding she wouldn't even try any more. How could she not cry for him? He was the man she loved, and she knew without any doubt that he would have given his life for her. To see him suffer after all he had been through broke her heart. Her eyes fell upon the deep scars marring his torso, each one inflicted because he loved her and she had been too foolish to make the right decision. She would have given anything to take his place at that moment, because she knew it was she who deserved to suffer.
When he caught his breath and slowly straightened up, she gently ran her hand along his cheek and eased his head down onto her shoulder. He was tense at first and partially lifted his head again, but was so weak and exhausted that he quickly dropped it back into place with a tired sigh. "Lucrecia…" he whispered, reaching out to lightly touch her leg with his right hand. It was partially twisted into a demonic claw, but she did not hesitate to take a firm hold of it. He started to pull away after seeing her small hand joined with his warped one, but she held on tight and he finally relented. His hand was cold and rough with boney joints and sharp nails, but Lucrecia never wanted to let go.
"I'm here, baby," she said, tilting her head to the side to rest against his. She felt him shift his weight slightly, groaning quietly and muttering a Wutaiian curse she'd rarely heard him use. Any hesitance he'd had to lean against her was gone, his body pressed against her side and his head heavy on her shoulder. He felt so strange and familiar at once, though she was comforted by the fact that he still smelled the same, and his hair was just as soft. He continued to shiver violently, and she wished she had a blanket to wrap around him or could at least reach his cloak. He was shirtless and the basement was always uncomfortably cold in Lucrecia's opinion, and though he was likely shivering because of the pain it would have made her feel better somehow. She felt so helpless sitting there, unable to do anything but offer her presence.
She had nearly forgotten Vincent had spoken her name by the time he took a deep breath and continued. "Thank you… for doing this before you go…"
He sounded much calmer, far closer to his normal tone, but all Lucrecia heard were his mournful words. She couldn't see his face, still holding on to his hand as it rested against her thigh and frowning in confusion. "Wait, what? Go where?"
Vincent tensed and began to breathe raggedly again, whimpering under his breath as he cringed in agony. He was still for long moments, until he was finally able to relax and speak again. "I don't know where you will go…"
"I'm sorry, baby… I'm not sure what you're talking about." Lucrecia feared he was growing delirious, reaching across her body with her free hand to tenderly run her fingers through his hair. "It's okay, you don't need to say anything. Just rest for now, and we can talk later."
"No, listen," he insisted, his voice muffled against her shoulder. He sounded irritated that she didn't understand, a quiet gasp escaping his lips as he shuddered with pain. Lucrecia tried not to wince as he dug the sharp nails of his partially transformed fingers into her thigh, her nightgown offering little protection. Thankfully his eyes were closed and he didn't see what he was doing. She kept still and forced herself to withstand the pain, letting him do whatever he needed to cope with his suffering. She knew he wasn't aware of his actions, because he never would have willfully done anything to cause her the least amount of discomfort. She absently wondered how she was going to explain the angry marks she was certain would be left behind as her eyes filled with tears of pain. His grip loosened a moment later and he exhaled through his nose, and Lucrecia couldn't help but sigh with relief. She stroked the back of his hand, once again forgetting he had been in the process of speaking until he whispered against the side of her neck. "Want to tell you this… before you go away…"
Lucrecia's eyes widened as she finally realized what he meant. His voice was so weak and heavy with loss and sorrow that her chest grew tight and new tears flooded her eyes, and she felt him shudder against the pain of his words. While part of her realized she shouldn't have been surprised that he still expected her to abandon him, it didn't hurt any less. "Vincent, I'm not leaving!" she cried, her voice breaking with grief and frustration. "Not now, and not ever!"
Before she could help herself, she had turned and thrown her arms around his neck, clinging to his trembling body in desperation. He moaned miserably, his head falling back against the wall as Lucrecia buried her face against his neck and cried. His breathing quickened and his body remained alarmingly tense, but after a moment she felt first one arm, then the other tentatively snake around her and hold her against him. She held on tight, whispering her love for him as he slowly began to relax in her embrace.
The contact was frightening but comforting, pressed so close against a body that was no longer entirely his in the dimly lit basement, the only sounds his labored breathing and the quiet whimpers of pain that escaped his lips. Her heart was racing as she clung to him, barely aware of the words she soft words she spoke as she ran one hand through his hair and kept the other wrapped tightly around his neck. His arms around her were loose and unsure, but his chin had dropped to her shoulder and he allowed her to shift almost half way into his lap in an effort to get closer. He was so tense and on edge, but it was obvious he was weakening and reaching exhaustion. Lucrecia knew he would either win or lose his battle with Chaos very soon, and as she held him in her arms she finally believed they had a chance of defeating the demon together.
Just as the thought crossed her mind and she allowed herself to lift her head and press a light kiss to the side of his jaw, she felt and then heard a low growl rumbling deep within Vincent's chest. Her eyes widened and she froze, holding her breath as her pulse pounded wildly at her temples. Gods, had she done something wrong and dared hope for too much? Vincent was suddenly very still, his arms dropping down to his sides as he slowly raised his head. Lucrecia began to tremble, about to risk asking him what was wrong when he exploded.
He raised both arms and shoved Lucrecia back and away from him so quickly that she didn't realized what had happened until she was lying nearly by the door. The force of it knocked the wind out of her as her back hit the concrete, and for a moment she laid there stunned and blinking, confused as she found herself staring up at the ceiling. It didn't take long for the pain to kick in and remind her of what was going on, and she forced herself to sit up in a panic.
"Vincent!" she croaked, still winded. She wasn't injured other than some definite bruising and skid marks from the concrete, wishing all of this had not begun while she was in bed and wearing only a nightgown. She quickly found him in the same position against the wall, struggling desperately to reach his feet. He had shifted forward onto his knees and was wavering back and forth, finally falling onto one side with a frustrated cry of rage as he wrapped his arms around his stomach and trembled in pain.
"Go away!" he snarled through gritted teeth, looking up at her with blood red eyes that were glowing even more brightly than before. "LEAVE!"
"I already told you… I won't do that," Lucrecia said, her voice trembling as she remained where she had fallen. She wanted badly to return to his side, but now she was frightened and unsure of how in control of himself he was. She knew Vincent would never hurt her, but she didn't know if it was he who was deciding how to react to her presence any longer. "If I wanted to leave, I would turn and walk out this door right now. But I'm not going to." To prove her point, she inched forward on her knees just slightly, meeting his eyes with all the courage she could muster.
"No! Why won't you go?!" he exclaimed, his eyes darting about wildly as he attempted to get up again and failed miserably. He cried out in pain and nearly pitched forward onto his face, and it took all of Lucrecia's self-control not to run to him. Vincent's breathing grew more ragged until he was nearly panting, the beads of sweat running down his face and neck and matting his hair to his skin. He had been so calm just moments before, and now he seemed almost frantic. She was terrified that Chaos was about to emerge, what remained of Vincent's control rapidly eroding away. "How can you look at me and stay here?" he whispered bitterly, a thin trail of blood running down his chin from a place where the demon's sharp fangs had sliced into his bottom lip.
"Because I love you, Vincent," she said firmly, creeping a little closer. "I promised I would always be here for you, and I told you I wanted to stay with you forever. Remember?" She held out her left hand and showed him the engagement ring he'd placed on her finger the second night she'd spent with him in Junon Harbor, the ring he'd waited to give her for over thirty years. She watched as his eyes focused in upon it, and he tilted his head as he studied it closely. She knew he was able to see it clearly due to his enhanced vision despite the distance between them. For a moment she feared he couldn't remember, but then he snorted bitterly and closed his eyes, trembling with pain and shaking his head.
"I… hid this from you!" he nearly growled, finally managing to get back to his knees with Chaos' wings draped awkwardly over his back. "You never… would have said yes if…" He was forced to pause as a powerful spasm of pain tore through his body, digging another series of grooves into the floor with his golden claw. "… if you had… seen this first…"
"Yes, I would have!" Lucrecia exclaimed. She was hurt and offended that he doubted her, but that wasn't what mattered. She understood why he felt so insecure about his condition, and that it was hard for him to trust her. Their renewed relationship was still young, and there was so much they were working to adapt to. Their love and devotion was never in question, but there were still so many issues they needed to work out. Vincent had only just begun really talking to her about what had been bothering him and what he went through with Chaos, and she strongly suspected his hesitance to discuss his feelings was a large part of what had led them to this moment. "I knew about the transformations, Vincent, and I still said yes. That never mattered! I love you for who you are, and I always will."
"How can you say that when you found yourself in bed beside a demon!" Vincent shouted at her, his eyes burning into hers with a cold fire. "You didn't even want me when I was normal!"
Lucrecia recoiled as if she'd been slapped, her eyes widening in horror. Her mouth dropped open, but the words wouldn't come. She could only stare into Vincent's eyes, taking in all of the hurt, the anger, and the betrayal he was aiming directly at her. In that moment it was as if all of his usual reserve and self-control had been stripped away, his emotions laid bare. There was so much naked pain and sorrow in his eyes that Lucrecia was unable to draw a breath, a sharp stab of searing agony burning in her chest. She wanted to look away but couldn't, the accusation on her lover's face holding her prisoner. She finally managed to draw a shaky breath, raising one trembling hand to cover her heart as if to stem the bleeding. She was unaware of the tears streaming down her cheeks or anything else in the room, only the bitterness and rejection in Vincent's eyes.
He looked away first, slumping back against the wall and bringing his knees up to his chest. He took a deep breath, his entire body trembling with it, then laid his head down atop his knees and wrapped his arms around himself. His wings seemed to mirror his arms, falling forward and loosely draping around his sides. It looked as if he was trying to protect himself against the pain, curling in on himself and effectively blocking Lucrecia out.
She was left on her knees, trembling and sobbing, feeling as if her heart had just been torn from her chest. Worst of all, she knew she deserved it. As she watched Vincent shuddering across the room, she had never felt more alone… or more vile. She had caused him to hurt that way. If she had been stronger, he wouldn't be suffering a lifetime of battles against a demon who sought to overtake his body and filled his mind with strange instincts and desires. He wouldn't feel like an outcast or think he was a monster. He wouldn't have been tortured by Hojo and have terrifying flashbacks and nightmares. All of it was her fault… all of his pain was because of her. If only she had done the right thing and left when he- Lucrecia's eyes widened, and suddenly it was as if the other shoe had dropped inside her mind.
Maybe this had much less to do with his physical state than she realized. She knew he was ashamed of what had been done to him and hated for her to see any signs of his heightened senses or new instincts. He despised his prosthetic and was hesitant to touch her with it, something she was slowly training him out of. It had also been a battle to get him to remove his shirt even when they made love because he was so ashamed of his scars and convinced she would be repulsed. Even now, he frequently turned his back when changing. He had managed to hide his transformations from her since she arrived until the night she'd come across Chaos in the upstairs room, something he still did not know about. This was the first time she had witnessed the transition, however, and it was obvious that Vincent was not handling it well. But beneath all of those insecurities lurked one common cause, the fuel that fed the fire and made them so much worse.
"You didn't even want me when I was normal!"
As she watched him curled up against the wall, his body shaking and his hair spilling over his knees and down his back, a wave of despair washed over her. How could she ever hope to convince him that she loved and accepted him despite the changes to his body when he was still carrying around the hurt and rejection from three decades earlier? For them, it felt like less than three months, the large amount of time that had actually passed for the rest of the Planet meaning little. She could hardly blame him for feeling the way he did. In his position, she knew she would have felt the same way and likely handled it much less admirably.
As she watched him begin to slowly rock himself, Chaos' wings gradually folding themselves inward to rest against his back, Lucrecia allowed herself to really put herself in Vincent's place and think about how her actions must have made him feel. She had told him she would leave with him, several times, yet always backed out. That told him her word was questionable, that she could not always be trusted. Why should he suddenly believe that had changed when she reentered his life without warning? She had once chosen someone else over him despite how much he loved her and how hard he tried, which he took to mean he was inferior in some way. Not good enough. Flawed. And if he had not been good enough then, what was he now as he sat there partially transformed into a demon right in front of her?
"Gods…" she whispered to herself, nearly overwhelmed by the realization of just how deeply she had hurt her lover. She had always known, but watching him forced to battle Chaos and hearing his tortured words echoing through her mind had awakened something within her. They had grown so close, and were so in love, but an invisible barrier had remained between them. There was a nameless wall separating them that she'd felt helpless to climb, a barrier that left her frustrated and unsure of how to reach out and really touch him again. Something had been keeping Vincent from dropping his guard and letting her in, and while she knew Chaos was a large part of it, there always seemed to be something more. Now, she knew exactly what it was. They had talked about their painful past when she first returned, and she mistakenly thought they were both handling it well and making forward progress. But how could she ever truly know how he felt when he wasn't willing to discuss it and was so good at avoiding the subject? She had been such a fool, lulled into complacency by a silence that hid so much pain. Vincent had not changed nearly as much as he thought…
A sound from across the room broke her from her thoughts, and she focused her eyes on Vincent again. She was shocked to see that the demonic wings were now completely gone from his back, as if they had never been there at all. He suddenly looked so small and fragile as he sat alone in the shadows. His body was wracked by a strangled gasp followed by what she thought was a cough, but after a moment her eyes widened when she realized it was an attempt to hold back a sob. His shoulders shook violently and he hugged himself more tightly, and Lucrecia bit her lip to keep from sobbing with him. He clearly did not want her to know he was upset, and after his last outburst she was unsure of his state of mind. She was encouraged by the retraction of the wings, however, and nervously cleared her throat.
"Are… are you okay…?"
There was no answer, and she hadn't really expected one. But she wanted him to know she was still there, and that she wasn't angry with him for his outburst. And if he was angry with her, she was more than willing to accept it. After she got over her initial shock, Lucrecia realized the rare anger she had seen in his eyes was almost refreshing. It was about time. Vincent had never been willing to express that emotion toward her before, or admit to just how hurt he was over her past actions… and she knew a part of him had to be furious. No one could have so easily forgiven what she'd done to he and their son. She knew he nearly worshipped her and saw her as a victim of Hojo and Shin-ra Incorporated, but she had made her own decisions, too. Vincent was far from blind or stupid. He knew she'd had her chance to get away, because he had given it to her himself… and she had turned him down. She knew that anger had been buried deep inside him, and that he never meant for her to see it. But it had finally broken free from his control thanks to Chaos. As much as it hurt to see it burning in his eyes, Lucrecia swallowed the pain and focused on her lover. This was about him and his emotions, and she did her best to push her own feelings aside.
"Vincent?" she tried again, slowly climbing to her feet but not moving any closer. Her back ached where it had impacted the floor, and she could feel a few raw patches on the backs of her legs where she had briefly slid across the concrete. Her eyes burned from crying and her head pounded with tension. But as bad as she felt, she knew Vincent was suffering far worse. He was still trembling and moaning quietly, though the spasms that had wracked his body seemed to have stopped. She noticed that his skin tone appeared much lighter, though it was hard to tell at a distance in the poor lighting. But with the wings gone, she allowed herself to hope that he had finally banished the demon and was beginning to regain control of his body. Now her biggest concern for was his mind. "Baby, can you hear me?"
Without lifting it, Vincent slowly shook his head no. Lucrecia normally would have smiled at the contradiction, but there was nothing funny about the pitiful gesture. She wasn't sure what he meant, to what he was responding negatively. She saw him shudder violently and take a deep breath, holding back another strangled cry of grief as he kept his arms wrapped close around his knees.
Lucrecia had had enough, no longer able to stand there and watch him sit alone, so broken and utterly despondent. She didn't care if he wasn't yet in control of himself and might push her away again. It was a risk she had to take. She quickly crossed the distance between them and sat down beside him, tears streaming down her cheeks. She slipped one arm around behind him and wrapped the other on top of his own, embracing him tightly. He jumped in surprise as if he hadn't even heard her approach, growing very tense and holding his breath. Lucrecia braced herself, expecting him to pull away or attempt to forcefully remove her. But after a moment he exhaled sharply and did nothing, still not lifting his head.
"It's okay… everything's okay…" she whispered, daring to lay her head down on his shoulder. Now that she was closer she could see that his complexion was almost completely normal, and his breathing slowly began to return to a more reasonable rate. He was no longer sweating, though he was still trembling and quietly moaning in pain. Vincent didn't react to her comfort, nor did he fight it. She lifted her hand and gently ran it through his hair, brushing her fingers past his ear and finding that it was no longer pointed. She smiled through her tears, amazed by his strength. "I'm so proud of you, Vincent."
She raised her head as she felt him slowly lift his, just enough so that she could see his eyes. He didn't turn his head but glanced at her sideways, his eyes wary and full of suspicion. "Proud of me…?" he asked quietly, following the question with a bitter snort. "For what?"
"You fought Chaos and won," she said, leaning back and gently brushing his bangs away from his face. His eyes followed her movements, but he remained otherwise motionless. "You didn't think you could, but you did it. That was the bravest thing I've ever seen."
Vincent stared at her for a moment as if considering her words, then squeezed his eyes closed and furrowed his brow as if in intense pain. "At what cost…" he whispered, so quietly she barely heard him. Lucrecia was unsure exactly what he meant. Was he referring to what she had witnessed, or the way he had acted under Chaos' influence? Neither changed the way she felt about him, but she knew he would have a hard time dealing with what had happened. She was about to reassure him when he finally raised his head the rest of the way and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes with an expression of exhaustion and defeat. "It doesn't matter anyway… The result is the same. You are still going to leave."
"Gods, you are dense!" Lucrecia exclaimed without thinking, cringing when he opened his eyes and looked at her with a bit of surprise on his face. "I'm sorry... but I've told you so many times that I'm not going to leave you. I only want you to believe me."
"No one would choose to stay after this," Vincent stated matter-of-factly, stretching his legs out in front of him with a grimace. He was speaking even more quietly than usual, his eyes heavy as he regarded her skeptically. "I won't hold it against you… and you will always own my heart."
"Vincent!" she cried, taking a firm hold of his arm as the tears continued to fall. She was so frustrated as she met his tired eyes, desperate to make him believe. "Dammit, I'm not going anywhere! Nothing that happened tonight has made me even consider it! If meeting Chaos didn't do it before, nothing ever will!"
The moment his eyes widened, Lucrecia gasped, realizing exactly what she had just blurted out. Much as he had done when his emotions were running high, she had finally been unable to hold back the words she'd carefully protected since the night she accidentally came face to face with the demon. She had meant to tell him so many times, but had always lost her nerve. She was so afraid of upsetting him and ruining what they were still struggling to rebuild, and the moment had never been right. But now certainly wasn't the time she would have chosen…
((Author's Note: Because of the extreme length of this chapter, you now have a choice! You can either stop for now and come back later, or continue on to Part 2... which is posted already as the next 'chapter.' Hurray for giant chapter options! ~ JenesisX ))
