Right then, credits to:

Shadows-of-Realm who gave me the basis for Rules 632 and 633.

mindless-junk-247, who asked for Rules 606 and 607.

Scotius, who gave me Rules 627 and 628.

cookie-moimoi, who provided the prompts for Rules 611 to 615 and 617 to 624.

Jen-NCIS-Lover whose prompts inspired Rules 601, 602 and 608.

E. Nagrom who wanted to see Rule 605.

Aaand...

Sidewinder who asked for Rules 603 and 604.

Hope this is what y'all were thinking of when you gave me your ideas!

Oh, and if you've sent me ideas/prompts/rules that aren't up here, don't panic! I'll be using everyone's at some point or other. Also, as before, if I've forgotten anyone, I deeply apologise – let me know and I can add you at the start of the next chapter. I'm blaming the Easter Eggs for any mistakes etc...

Onwards, gang!


The Rulebook was now so large that Carson decided to post it on Atlantis' internal server rather than re-printing all the newest additions. He found that a lot of people were now e-mailing him with funny things that had happened – and he was still absolutely astounded at just how thick some people could be.

He posted his latest set, took a sip of his tea and stared down at Fred. The alien wolf rested his head on the Scotsman's leg, and Beckett absent-mindedly started to stroke the animal's long dark fur.

"Och, lad, I don't know what to do with this bunch," he sighed softly. "Complete bampots, the lot of them. I've half a mind to just chuck them all off the central tower and be done with it."

Fred waggled his head in agreement. In all fairness, though, he liked chasing people around the city when Carson told him to. It was fun.

Beckett stared down at his canine companion and frowned. He still hadn't managed to unglue the rabbit's ears that Elizabeth had stuck on the wolf's head, and they were starting to get a bit ragged.

"Come on, Fred," he said, getting to his feet. "Let's see if a bit of old-fashioned soap and elbow grease won't help."

Fred growled but followed his master out of the door, thinking longingly of chasing the Marines rather than his forthcoming bath.

Rule 601: Any and all Medical Jokes are hereby banned.

Carson was getting really sick of all the 'Doctor, Doctor' jokes and teamed up with Bella and Dr Morrison to put an end to it once and for all. After the cleaning crews had finished mopping up all the blood, Elizabeth hastily posted this rule to stop anyone else getting an idea as stupid as their last one.

Rule 602: The male personnel are reminded that the classes held by the ladies are MANDATORY.

After several incidents involving the guys being beaten to a pulp at certain times during the month, Elizabeth and Carson agreed that it would be better for everyone if the ladies started to hold 'Seminars for Males'. The ladies readily agreed, and a week later, there were a variety of classes running from 'Domestic Bliss - You Too Can Do the Housework', 'Wonderful Laundry Techniques' (formerly known as 'Don't Wash My Silks') and the ever popular 'PMS – Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut'.

Surprisingly, there were no injuries – and some of the guys found that they had a hitherto undiscovered talent for ironing.

Rule 603: Dr McKay is not 'Bones'.

A. Neither is Dr Beckett.

B. And if we hear the word 'Spock' one more time...

Carson and Rodney teamed up to put a stop to the nicknames. Everyone agreed that they made a frighteningly violent team, and quickly packed it in, much to the relief of the rest of the Command Staff. After all, the cleaning crews were on the verge of mutiny.

Rule 604: Atlantis is NOT the Enterprise.

A. Yes, I know the city is capable of flight, but you need to stop it.

B. Remember what I told you about Atlantis being sentient?

C. She's not a happy camper at the moment...

Unfortunately, those responsible for the nickname craze found a new target – Atlantis. Unsurprisingly, the city didn't take too kindly to being renamed and took its revenge in the form of invisible force fields and temperature controls that went haywire for no apparent reason.

Rodney was at a complete loss, and not even John could sweet-talk Atlantis into behaving, so eventually Carson rounded up all those responsible and pushed them off the east pier. Atlantis approved and the guilty party remembered never to call the city any names ever again.

Rule 605: Dr Beckett is not allowed to send off-world teams to planets without DHDs.

A. Even if they gave him a migraine.

Carson was fed up with having to patch up the same off-world teams again and again. Eventually, he got so angry with SGA-1, 2, 3, 7 and 11 that he sent them all to P8X-000 to 'collect some plant samples'. When the teams got there, they discovered that the planet had no DHD, and no way of being powered kinetically. Elizabeth was furious and promptly sent the Daedalus to go and get them before giving Carson a lecture.

Oddly enough, his excuse that he was sick to the back teeth of having to patch them up wasn't accepted, and when the teams got back two weeks later, he went into hiding until they'd all calmed down.

Rule 606: Sticky notes are only to be used for their intended purpose.

A. Decorating the Gate Room is not one of them.

SGA-4 had gotten bored, so Lt Cadman suggested giving the Gate Room a bit of a makeover. While everyone agreed that their efforts were impressive, the Command Staff were not amused. SGA-4 had used nearly every single post-it note on base and now the Gate Room was a nausea inducing multi-coloured nightmare that gave everyone who looked at it the mother of all migraines.

Carson was not impressed, and not even Laura could cool him off.

Rule 607: I thought I told you lot I'd banned face paint?!

SGA-12 obviously hadn't read the previous rule concerning face paint, and now they were all waltzing around the city looking like B-movie monsters. It wouldn't have been a problem except that the paint they'd used had actually been recalled from sale back on Earth due to faulty ingredients.

The team were now in the Infirmary with bright red rashes covering their faces and hands, and looking a whole lot scarier than when they'd been monsters.

Rule 608: Please be sensible if you are going to participate in 'Dress Down Friday' and/or 'Casual Day'.

A. Spandex and leather micro-skirts are NOT appropriate attire.

B. No more rodeo belts or moccasins.

C. Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.

To begin with, everyone had agreed that Dress Down Friday was a great morale booster... but that was before they saw SGA-15. The all-male team had decided to spend the day in drag, complete with very skimpy micro skirts (no one was entirely sure where they'd gotten them from), rodeo belts and spandex tops. The Command Staff couldn't really make them get changed – they were adults, and if they wanted to dress up like cheap hookers, then there wasn't really anything anyone could do to stop them.

The only problems started when some of the Chemists decided that they were very attractive cross-dressers and made a pass or two. (In their defence, the Chemists had been absolutely out of the skulls on Radek's Easter Hooch, so they weren't technically responsible for their actions.)

After all the geeks concerned ended up in the Infirmary with a very angry SGA-15, Carson was at a loss. He hastily patched the scientists up and locked them in Isolation to prevent any fatalities.

SGA-15, meanwhile, were seriously considering pressing sexual harassment charges.

Rule 609: The Medical Department are to delete their 'answer machine message' from the Comms system immediately.

Fed up of being on call 24/7, the Medical Department had cleverly set up an answer machine to take any incoming radio calls while they got some much needed sleep. The Command Staff were not impressed by the message, and promptly made them delete it. Carson had been walking around with an evil look on his face ever since, and the rest of the expedition made sure that they didn't get sick or injured until he'd cooled down a bit.

Rule 610: Do not take hot beverages into the Control Room.

When Radek had been called into the Control Room, he'd brought along his cup of coffee. He'd managed to leg it all the way from his lab without spilling a single drop, but when he reached the Control Room, he tripped over and his coffee went flying.

Chuck was now in the Infirmary being treated for severe scalding, while Rodney was giving Radek the lecture of his life. Not only had the hot beverage ended up all over poor Chuck, but it had gotten on the Ancient control system and now Atlantis was having another hissy fit.

Rule 611: Dr Kavanaugh is banned from touching ANYTHING ever again.

The pony-tailed idiot had accidentally turned on a machine that made John and Rodney swap bodies. It was very disconcerting for everyone involved, especially when John forgot that Rodney's body suffered from Hypoglycaemia and forgot to eat. Luckily, Carson was on hand with a glucose drip and no real harm was done, but Rodney wasn't amused and promptly took John's body down to the gym to get pummelled by Ronon.

Thankfully, the effects were reversed before things got too bloody or the boys stopped speaking to each other.

And Kavanaugh found himself on waste duty for the next six months.

Rule 612: The Science Department are not allowed to meddle with our environment.

The freak snow that had engulfed the city gave the Scientists an idea - which was ALWAYS a bad thing.

When they created their very own snow maker, the Command Staff twitched a bit, but okayed it. What they didn't know was that the snow maker worked by changing the planet's atmosphere...

After thirty five people were admitted with Pneumonia, Carson let Fred loose in the labs and sold tickets to spectators.

Rule 613: Be careful when touching/moving objects that do not belong to you.

A. Especially when it comes to people's glasses...

Everyone was in fear of their lives after Radek and Miko's glasses got mixed up by some unknown prankster. When Carson had finally had enough of all the cold showers, random fire alarms, emergency decontamination procedures, fire foam tests and medical devices that suddenly went loopy for no reason, he put his foot down. He posted this rule, and then took Fred and Milo out for a walk – through everyone's quarters.

Needless to say, the prankster never did try anything so stupid ever again.

Rule 614: The Scientists are banned from watching comic book movies until further notice.

A. I thought I told you lot that you weren't allowed to invent things?

Comic book movies plus geniuses with the mental age of hyperactive five year olds equalled utter chaos. After watching all three Spiderman movies back to back, they decided to invent their own 'web spinners'. Three hours later, and Carson still hadn't managed to unstick them all.

Rule 615: Colonel Sheppard is reminded that I banned him from wearing fancy dress for a reason.

John was impressed with the 'web spinners' and promptly borrowed them. He also snuck into Carson's office and retrieved the long-time banned 'Gecko' Device...

The next morning, everyone was amazed to see the Military Commander running around in a Spiderman costume. Even more startling was the fact that he could crawl up the walls and spin webs just like the fictional hero...

Carson only put an end to the madness when John nearly broke his neck. Unfortunately, the substance that the Scientists had used to create their 'webs' wasn't as strong as the stuff Peter Parker had used in the comic book and the Air Force man suffered a nasty fall when the web he was swinging from broke. Thankfully, he only had minor injuries, but Carson posted this rule to remind everyone why it was a bad idea.

Rule 616: The Hazmat suits are only to be used in cases of outbreaks of contagions/biological warfare etc.

The Marines wanted to play astronauts and decided that the Hazmat suits made excellent costumes. Needless to say, Carson was not a happy bunny when he found all of them missing – or when the Marines returned them in a very sorry state.

The Scotsman found that he had a lot of 'willing' volunteers for extra vitamin boosters.

Rule 617: The 'Thought Manipulation Machine' has been moved to a secure lock-up.

A. Anyone touches it again and they'll be very sorry.

SGA-2 had found a device that was capable of 'brain-washing' other people. They smuggled it back into the city and decided to test it out – on Kavanaugh. At first, everyone was slightly scared when the Chemist began acting like a relatively normal (and more importantly, nice) human being, but put it down to a change of heart or a lesson finally learnt.

Unfortunately for SGA-2, they didn't know when to quit...

Two weeks later and most of the expedition were in the thrall of the 'Gods of Atlantis', as the team had now proclaimed themselves to be. Well, everyone except Ronon and Rodney, that was. The machine had no effect on Rodney because he was a natural sceptic, while the ex runner was just plain immune. They succeeded in shutting the machine off and then sat back to watch as the rest of the expedition took their revenge on SGA-2.

Rule 618: Do not steal people's clothes.

When Major Lorne was spotted outside his quarters wearing nothing but a very small towel, everyone was amused – after all, it was well known on base that Evan was something of a ladies' man. This time, however, his situation had nothing to do with his latest love interest.

Novak had decided to test out a new modification to the Asgard beaming technology. What she'd intended was that the beam would remove things like bullets or arrow heads with minimal pain to the victim. Unfortunately, she gotten her calibrations a little bit wrong and had ended up stripping Lorne of his clothes.

Carson took pity on the unfortunate pilot and lent him his lab coat to cover his 'crown jewels'.

Rule 619: Dr Beckett is not to be referred to as James Bond.

A. That's Colonel Sheppard's nickname.

B. I know I'm Scottish, but that doesn't automatically make me Sean Connery!

Some of the Medics had started to call Carson James Bond. While the Scotsman was secretly flattered, he wasn't amused when they changed it to Sean Connery. And he wasn't best pleased when he found that he had to go into hiding to avoid a certain Air Force man.

It turned out that John really didn't like sharing.

Rule 620: 'Free Willy' is now on the list of banned movies.

A. I know it was you, Rodney.

B. I've got witnesses.

Rodney had been bored. He'd also recently watched Free Willy and the movie gave him ideas. Carson was not impressed when John dragged their now soaking wet and half drowned friend into the Infirmary.

It turned out that Rodney had tried to recreate the famous scene from the film, by coaxing Sam to jump over the west pier. While the whale had done a masterful job, Rodney hadn't taken into account the amount of water that would be splashed back onto the pier in the whale's wake. The force of the wave was so strong that he ended up being scooped out into the ocean in a matter of seconds. Thankfully, Sam turned out to be a damn fine rescue boat and bumped him back up onto the deck.

Still, despite the fact that he looked worse than he was, Carson put his foot down. He couldn't cope with anyone else deciding that they wanted a go.

Rule 621: 'Riverdance' is not to be performed.

The Marines were going to end up driving the rest of the expedition to the funny farm if they kept it up. They'd gotten hold of a pirated copy of 'Riverdance – the 25 Year Anniversary Tour' and were now convinced that they could dance just as well as, if not better than, most of the cast. Carson just covered his face with his hands when they all hobbled in with injuries ranging from sprains to full leg breaks.

Rule 622: 'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts' is now on the list of banned songs.

The Medics had been trying to convince Carson to take a vacation, but with no luck. Then Nurse Cindy hit upon the idea that if they drove him absolutely nuts, he'd book a week off to go fishing just to get some peace and quiet. They decided to sing 'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts', a la Fred Heatherton, in a variety of languages for the better part of three days non-stop.

Their plan was partially successful – it did indeed drive Carson absolutely up the wall. However, instead of taking a break like they'd expected, he started singing it back at them in Gaelic.

Elizabeth ended up posting this rule because she couldn't take any more.

Rule 623: Major Lorne is not to be left in charge of anything.

A. EVER.

B. Not even the KP rota.

Lorne had been placed in charge of a rescue mission when SGA-5 were held hostage on M9X-556. As it turned out, the Major was a little bit gung-ho about the operation, and nearly all of his team came back with injuries. Carson was furious as he patched them up, but even his Scottish wrath was nothing compared to that of John, Rodney and Elizabeth. Needless to say, Lorne learnt the hard way about planning and preparation...

Rule 624: Personnel are not to make fun of any blossoming romances between crew members.

It turned out that all the animosity between Simpson and Kavanaugh was actually unresolved sexual tension and the entire expedition nearly choked on their Oreos when they discovered that the pair had started dating.

Everyone was shocked that Simpson had such a bad taste in men – and that Kavanaugh could be considered even vaguely attractive. After his latest prank went awry and left him with cuts and bruises, Simpson stepped in to provide some TLC.

When the rioting started, Carson hastily put this rule up to avoid any bloodshed. He then called Simpson into the Infirmary to check that Kavanaugh hadn't drugged her.

Rule 625: Please be careful if you are going to conceal hidden weapons about your person.

Ronon was a bad influence. When twenty six people were admitted to the Infirmary with injuries in rather unusual places, Carson was very cross. To get his own back, he sent Bella to teach the Satedan a lesson.

Rule 626: The 'rodeo' machine is to be dismantled IMMEDIATELY!

The Command Staff were sure that the Marines were trying to get everyone killed. They'd managed to bodge together a rodeo machine and had started renting it out to people. After said people all ended up under Carson's care, the Scotsman threatened to take a wrench to the Marines unless they took it apart.

Rule 627: All fishing contests are postponed until further notice.

The Command Staff agreed to hold a Fishing Contest on south pier simply because something so innocent couldn't possibly cause any harm, even on Atlantis. How little they knew...

The contest went from fun to a battle for survival in mere minutes when the baits used by the participants to attract attention of fish turned out to be Lantea's equivalent of electric eels. Luckily no one had drowned, but the Infirmary was flooded with victims of electric shock.

The worst case of electrocution happened to be Atlantis' CMO. Carson had caught the biggest fish that day, and received the jolt of his life.

Rule 628: For the last time Rodney - stop building non-regulation weapons for John.

A. Do you really want to kill him somebody?

This time, it was a miniaturised, handheld Rail-gun. It even worked – too well in fact. The powerful recoil broke the pilot's arm in two places and knocked him into nearest wall, while the projectile went clean through four set of walls, missed Chuck's head by an inch, destroyed Elizabeth's laptop, punctured the central tower's outer wall, and still had enough energy to crack Jumper Four's windshield.

Elizabeth was so furious and scared that she threatened to separate the troublemakers by sending one of them back to Earth if they didn't stop acting like children.

Rule 629: Do not try to skip your mandatory psych evals.

A. Heightmeyer is a scary lady when she wants to be.

For some bizarre reason, the Atlantis expedition seemed to think that 'mandatory' actually meant 'voluntary'. After Kate was found sobbing hysterically and threatening to go all Texas Chainsaw massacre on those responsible, the Command Staff quickly posted this rule and had Carson sedate her until she'd calmed down. They then told the rest of the expedition that if they didn't get their arses down to see her pronto, they'd let her have access to the armoury.

Rule 630: Just because the Command Staff does stupid things and gets away with it does not entitle the rest of you to do the same.

Carson had been thinking of Elizabeth sticking rabbit ears on Fred when he posted this. Everyone else was thinking of John and Rodney. Now both of them were sulking and Elizabeth was hiding under her desk, claiming that she couldn't cope any more.

Rule 631: Dr Beckett is not allowed to hit people with a spurtle.

Carson had gotten so angry with John and Rodney after they'd nearly sent Elizabeth loopy that he hit them with a spurtle – which was a Scottish cooking instrument hat closely resembled a wonky rolling pin. (According to Carson, it was used to stir porridge with.) Neither of them was amused and things turned ugly. After all three of them were admitted to the Infirmary, Elizabeth threatened to seal them in the uninhabited section of the city for a month.

Rule 632: Do not get Dr Heightmeyer drunk.

Following on from the mass protests and strikes at psych evaluation time, Kate decided to get over her depression by consuming vast amounts of alcohol. When John entered the Rec Room, he found a very drunk psychologist, who was more than a bit suggestible. Having a sudden flash of evil inspiration, he raced off only to return with a video camera. He then proceeded to ask Kate to tell him all of Rodney's most embarrassing secrets – and filmed the lot.

When he started to play bits of the conversation over the PA system for all and sundry to hear, the Canadian was not overly impressed...

Rule 633: Dr McKay is not allowed to mess around with Atlantis' primary systems to get revenge on a team-mate.

A. Yes, Rodney, I know what John did.

B. I'm dealing with it, alright?

C. Can you PLEASE turn the heating back on?

To get his revenge on his team-mate for the 'drunken head-doctor video nasty', Rodney decided to mess with all of the central controls in Atlantis. (Thankfully, he'd asked the city's permission first, seeing as how Atlantis could be extremely temperamental.) After nearly two weeks of nothing but cold showers, cold food and even colder living conditions, Carson put a stop to it. He called both sides in and declared that unless they put aside their differences, he wouldn't be held accountable for his actions.

The boys agreed and made up – but only because the Scotsman was twitching and holding a laser scalpel at the time.

Rule 634: The ducks native to M5G-718 are not very friendly.

SGA-3 learnt this the hard way – and then had to try and explain the bite marks to Carson.

Rule 635: Never interfere with Girls' Poker Night.

The boys decided to gate crash Girls' Poker Night – with disastrous consequences. After the majority of them were admitted to the Infirmary, Carson just shook his head at them. He then proceeded to tell them that they were very, very stupid before he let Bella and Dr Cole finish up with them...

Rule 636: Fake ZPMs are not to be made.

SGA-10 had made a fake ZPM. When they started juggling with it in the Control Room, Rodney flipped out, thinking that they were using the real one and promptly dived to rescue it when the object slipped. Although everyone thought that his dive was impressive, he was not amused to discover that his rescue had been for naught. He swiftly threw the fake ZPM at SGA-10 and got Angus and Milo to chase them around the city.

After Carson saw the state of Rodney's elbows and chest, he let Fred tag along too.

Rule 637: When asked for the reason/s behind your latest injury, do not say the following in front of Dr Beckett:

A. 'I was pushed.'

B. 'It wasn't MY fault.'

C. 'He started it.'

D. 'Well, funny story about that, doc...'

E. 'I was saving the SOLAR SYSTEM!'

The Command Staff were sure that Carson was going to have a nervous breakdown if the rest of the expedition kept this up. Either that, or he was going to actually murder John and Rodney.

Rule 638: Goa'uld stun grenades are not toys.

The Marines had new toys to play with after Colonel O'Neill shipped out a batch of Goa'uld weapons to the Atlantis expedition. After a base wide 'training exercise' that left nearly all the participants in need of medical attention, Carson posted this rule then threatened to use a pain stick on them if they didn't pack it in.

Rule 639: Do not get SGA-12 drunk!

For God only knew what reason, SGA-5 thought it would be funny to get SGA-12 drunk. After the team nearly burnt down half the city, they realised the error in their judgement and went into hiding before Carson found them.


Bwahaha! Hope you enjoyed that instalment – and please send me a review! I'm trying to beat my all-time best of 159!

*flutters her eyelashes, puts on serious puppy dog eyes and pouts in a scarily good impression of John*