A/N 1: Apologies for the ridiculously lengthy delay in posting – RL's been rather trying as of late, what with overtime, Laryngitis and other such obstacles. Hopefully, I should be back to regular posting from now on!

A/N 2: Before I go on, can I just say this? OMG, I'VE BEATEN MY ALL TIME BEST REVIEW TOTAL!!! WOOT!!! I love you lot! *virtual!hugs all round!* SHINY!

Anyways, credits time. So:

Shadows-of-Realm who gave me Rules 664 and 665 along with Rules 659, 660 and 661. He also gave me Rules 671 to 676, 678, 679 and 680. You da man!

Carson's Kitty, who asked for Rule 667, LetyBaroque, who wanted to see Rule 669 and anotamous, who wanted Rule 666 (although I'd already been planning to include that one anyway!)

Jen-NCIS-Lover gave me the prompts that created Rules 647, 648, 649, 652, 653 and 668.

mindless-junk-247 asked to see Rules 654 to 658.

I've also had lots more, which I'll be using in the next chunk. So if your idea's not here, watch this space!

And last of all, I'd like to credit albert12's story 'Things Not to Do In Atlantis' – by an incredibly freaky force of nature, some of the rules in my story are similar! I hasten to add that I've never read this fic (but I'm so gonna!) so any/all similarities are simply a case of coincidence/serendipity/sci-fi oddness.

Right, nuff from me. Brace yourselves for yet more insanity from the Pegasus Galaxy...


Rule 640: Do not stand near the Stargate as it is about to activate.

A. It's messy.

Dr Jones had been standing next to the Gate when it activated suddenly. Luckily, the poor man only lost half his hair, but Carson read him the riot act regardless. Elizabeth, meanwhile, was starting to wonder if she shouldn't just chain John and Rodney in front of it.

Rule 641: April Fool's Day pranks are hereby forbidden.

The inflatable sheep made an unwelcome return, along with a couple of the mutant ducks from M5G-718 and more sneezing powder than anyone had ever seen. Carson was not impressed, SGA-1, 2 and 9 were in hiding and Fred was showing a hitherto undiscovered talent as a blood hound.

Rule 642: Do not make the Scientists cry.

A. Rodney will hurt you.

Captain Reynolds had shouted at Miko and made her cry. He then vented on Radek, Simpson and several other geeks, leaving them all in a similar state. When Rodney entered Lab One and found them all, he went beyond postal and Carson had to post this rule as a gentle reminder.

He then had to spend the next four hours putting the unfortunate Captain back together again.

Rule 643: White water rafting is banned.

A. PERMANENTLY.

When SGA-2 had gotten into trouble on an off-world mission, Stackhouse had been left with no other option than to jump into a fast flowing river with the rest of his team. When the water turned into rapids, he realised his error of judgement. Unfortunately, so had the rest of SGA-2, who promptly used him as a makeshift raft.

Carson was not impressed when they carried their team leader back through the Gate looking like he'd swallowed half an ocean.

Rule 644: Pack appropriate weather gear.

A. You'd be amazed at the trouble it can save you from.

SGA-2 weren't the only off-world team to have issues with Mother Nature. SGA-5 had been caught in a freak blizzard on P6X-445 and had managed to return to Atlantis two days later suffering from frostbite and severe hypothermia. Carson cornered John after he'd patched SGA-5 up and made all-weather survival kits mandatory.

John was now sulking because Carson had yelled at him again.

Rule 645: Any and all robots are hereby confiscated until further notice.

The Marines had bribed the Scientists to make them some robot soldiers to play with. While the geeks did an admirable job, they hadn't realised that using Ancient technology wasn't their best idea. When the robots rebelled and turned on the Marines, it took the combined forces of all the pets, Rodney, John, Ronon and Bella to de-activate them.

John promptly locked them in the vaults and yelled at the Marines. Rodney yelled at the Scientists while Carson was too traumatised to even speak.

Rule 646: If you are going to have snacks during Team Movie Nights, SHARE!

SGA-8 had decided that they needed some snacks for their Team Movie Night. They scouted around, called on long forgotten favours, and generally begged, bribed and wheedled, and were rewarded with a feast fit for the God of Couch Potatoes.

The problems started when they got into a fight over who was going to have the last Twinkie Bar... Later that night, Carson was shocked to see all four of them limping into the Infirmary in various states of wounded. His shock was soon replaced by anger when he discovered how said injuries were sustained and ranted at the rest of the Command Staff for an hour and a half about 'adult-sized children'.

Rule 647: The Cooks are not allowed to make 'Suicide Hot Chilli'.

The Cooks got bored one night and decided to try out a new recipe. It was labelled innocently as 'Chilli'...

After ninety three people were all admitted in the space of three hours to Carson's care, the Scotsman went and had a little chat with the Cooks to get to the bottom of the mystery. After all, he reasoned, having that many people suddenly turn up on your doorstep with symptoms ranging from stomach cramps to full blown allergic reactions was not normal. The Cooks eventually admitted that they'd made 'Suicide Hot Chilli' using some of the chilli peppers that SGA-5 had found on M8S-779.

As it turned out, the chillies were roughly three hundred times more potent than the hottest Earth equivalent.

Rule 648: Chocolate tests are hereby prohibited.

When the chocolate supplies began to run low, the Scientists decided that they needed to run some 'scientific' tests on what little supplies were left. Needless to say, mass rioting followed and Carson nearly lost what little sanity he had left.

Rule 649: Personnel are reminded not to tease Dr Beckett about his kilt.

A. He's a bit touchy about it.

B. It's a very nice kilt, Carson.

To celebrate St Andrew's Day, Carson decided to wear his traditional kilt, made in his family's tartan. Although most of the ladies approved, the guys were not so impressed and a whole new wave of Scottish jokes started up. After Carson threatened to get out his Spurtle again, they soon packed it in.

Rule 650: Do not try to outsmart the Science Department.

A. You'll get no sympathy from me if you do this.

The Marines has foolishly believed that they could outwit the Scientists at building weapons of mass destruction. They were wrong, and Carson now had more patients than he could comfortably accommodate.

The Scientists were still gloating.

Rule 651: Do not attach baubles to Ronon's hair.

For reasons best left unknown, SGA-11 thought it would be a good idea to attach some of the leftover Christmas tree decorations to the ex runner's hair. While most people saw the funny side, Ronon unfortunately did not.

SGA-11 were now waiting to be stitched up by a very angry Nurse Bella.

Rule 652: No more blonde jokes.

A. The ladies are getting very angry – and you know what happened last time, gents...

The men were all in hiding after Rodney and Lorne teamed up and challenged John and Carson to a 'blonde-joke-a-thon'. The girls got wind of their little 'game' and went on the warpath, armed to the teeth with all manner of goodies pilfered from the armoury.

No one was really sure if the boys were still in one piece or not, but assumed that they must be, seeing as how Fred and Angus were nowhere to be seen.

Rule 653: No home-made fireworks!

Dr Alphonse had a video of Disney World's 'Illuminations: Reflection of Earth' on his laptop that proved to be surprisingly popular with the rest of the expedition. Unfortunately, it proved to be a little bit too popular with SGA-12, who promptly decided that they wanted to recreate the show live for everyone.

Nobody would admit to letting the pyromaniacs have access to the things that went 'boom', but Carson nearly had a stroke, Elizabeth wouldn't come out of her bedroom, and John and Rodney were being run ragged trying to fix all the damage done to the city.

SGA-12, however, were currently being chased through one of the many corridors of Atlantis by Fred, Angus and Milo.

Rule 654: Personnel are not allowed to dye other crew members' hair.

After the near chaos that SGA-1 had sparked after dying their hair blue to match John's, Carson thought that people would have learnt their lessons by now when it came to hair products.

He couldn't have been more wrong.

When Kavanaugh was admitted to the Infirmary in a comatose state, the Scotsman was more than a little bit suspicious as to how the long haired man had ended up in said condition. It wasn't until later in the mess hall that he got his answer.

John was now the not-so-proud owner of pink streaks in his blue hair, courtesy of none other than the Chemist. He'd taken his revenge (although he refused to admit to what it was he'd actually done to Kavanaugh) and the rest of the Command Staff posted this rule to stop anybody else getting ideas.

They made John have sessions with Heightmeyer to discuss his obvious and very worrying obsession with his locks, and got Rodney to mix up a shampoo that would make the pink streaks turn a dark purple instead.

Rule 655: Poker nights are now banned.

A. I warned you about this.

B. STOP SULKING!

SGA-4 and 9 got into a fight on poker night that resulted in five of them being hospitalised from their respective injuries. Carson went mental and banned poker nights indefinitely, much to the dismay of everyone else on base. Surprisingly, there were no riots, but he had threatened to sic Fred on the next person to even think about playing the game.

Rule 656: No more pen wars!

A. For God's sake, stop it!

The Atlantis expedition members were worse than a bunch of unruly five years olds at times. After Lorne, Cadman and Radek were all admitted to Carson, the Scotsman was less than impressed to find that he had to forcibly remove a selection of pens from various orifices.

He was even angrier when he found out that the reason said pens were in places that pen should never go was down to a pen fight that got out of hand.

Rule 657: Personnel are not allowed to staple their colleagues to their desks.

A. Even if they were annoying them.

B. RODNEY!

Rodney stapled John to his desk after the Air Force man stole the Canadian's chocolate brownie. Although he wasn't injured, Carson had to be called to Sheppard's office to remove the staples that Rodney had 'borrowed' from Dr Biro.

Rule 658: The same goes for superglue.

A. That's a contraband item, by the way, so the next person I find with it hidden on their person is going to get it.

In retaliation to being stapled to his desk, John super-glued Rodney to his stool in Lab One. Once again, Carson was called in to release the now very angry physicist and posted this rule to nip the fight in the bud before it got out of hand.

He then went and beat John up with his shinty stick until the Air Force man gave him the last of his superglue stash.

Rule 659: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to stun Hermiod.

John had been curious as to the effects that a Wraith stunner would have on an Asgard. So he decided to test his theory out the next time he was onboard the Daedalus. As it turned out, the stunners had the exact same effect on Asgards as they did on humans, and John had to come up with an inventive excuse as to why Hermiod was now unconscious.

Rule 660: Do not make Hermiod angry.

When the Asgard recovered from being stunned by John, he was a very angry little grey man indeed. John found out the hard way that pissing an Asgard off was not only very stupid, but also incredibly painful.

Carson was not impressed when the Air Force man wound up in the Infirmary with his fifth case of beaming bends in three months.

Rule 661: Whoever gave Colonel Sheppard a baby Iratus Bug for his birthday is in SERIOUS trouble.

No one was sure who it was that had decided on this 'unusual' gift for the Air Force man's birthday, but the rest of the Command Staff were not impressed. After managing to get John down from the top of his wardrobe and safely dispensing with the baby Iratus Bug, Carson and Rodney went on the warpath.

Even worse, they had Fred, Angus and Milo in tow. The pets were not amused that one of their favourite human playthings was not in any condition to be played with...

Rule 662: Karma is very, VERY real.

A. Don't push your luck!

As it turned out, Kavanaugh had brought the bug back for John. Carson finally got him to admit to it after the Chemist had found himself up close and personal with an adult version while helping out SGA-7. Carson was not happy for several reasons, the foremost being the fact that he had to go through the Gate to deal with the Chemist. After successfully removing the wretched creature, he admitted the pony-tailed git to the Infirmary... and told John and the pets that he was behind the 'present'.

Then he locked the doors and left them to it.

Rule 663: Personnel are not allowed to go joy riding in 'Foxtrot'.

John and Rodney's homemade submarine was proving to be a smash hit with the rest of the personnel. So much so, in fact, that the boys had had to come up with a rota to accommodate all the requests they'd had.

Unfortunately, SGA-6 were a bit on the impatient side, and decided to jump the queue. After they were fished out of the ocean by SGA-1 and Carson, they learnt how to share – mainly due to the fact that John and Rodney were on the verge of homicide and Carson kept smiling at them.

Rule 664: If you go exploring, please refrain from touching anything you don't understand.

John and Rodney were exploring Atlantis and managed to inadvertently activate a device that they happened to find. They had no idea what said device was for – until they got back to the Control Room, that was. It turned out that the little gadget (which looked like an Ancient version of an ocarina) made the off-world activation alarm go off every five minutes. Elizabeth and Carson chased them halfway round the city until Rodney managed to reverse the effects.

Rule 665 Ronon is not allowed to spike Dr McKay's food.

The ex runner and the Canadian were having a bit of a rough patch, and Ronon had sprinkled a couple of drops of lemon juice over Rodney's Coronation Chicken one night in the mess hall. Apparently, he didn't believe that the Canadian was allergic, claiming it was 'all in his head'.

After Carson had calmed down, he managed to get to the bottom of their little tiff – apparently, McKay had been rude about Ronon and Bella's relationship. He resisted the urge to bang their heads together and dealt with Rodney.

Bella got to sort Ronon out.

Rule 666: You are not Tony Stark.

A. Even if you HAVE built a fully functioning replica of the Iron Man suit.

B. I'm not even going to ask...

After John's Spiderman episode, Lorne wanted to try his hand at being a superhero. After watching the new Iron Man movie, he bribed the Science Department into making him a fully functioning replica of the suit.

While it looked impressive and was indeed fully functioning in every sense of the word, they'd had to improvise a bit as far as the missiles went. They'd decided to use some mini drones that they'd found on a recent exploration of the uninhabited parts of the city, forgetting that the miniature weapons could be controlled by the smallest of subconscious thoughts...

After the Major nearly wiped out half the population and succeeded in tearing a chunk from the west pier, Carson and Rodney intervened. The results weren't pretty, and none of them (especially Lorne) were talking.

Rule 667: For the last time, TIE YOUR BLOODY SHOELACES!!!

SGA-13 were really six year olds. After all of them ended up in the Infirmary with a variety of different injuries, all sustained while running around off-world in undone shoes, Carson threw a bedpan at them and hid in his office.

Rule 668: The ladies wish to remind all male members of staff that they are not to upset them in any way shape or form.

A. I'm told that they have a rather large supply of pink nail polish.

B. And they aren't afraid to use it...

The men were in trouble yet again. This time, it had been Parrish's fault. He'd stolen the last stash of chocolate fudge brownies that the ladies had been keeping aside for their movie night. Unsurprisingly, they weren't too impressed when they found out.

Parrish was now hiding in the Infirmary, refusing to come out of the store cupboard. It turned out that the ladies had given him a complete 'makeover' that had involved copious amounts of pink nail polish...

The rest of the men swore never to touch anything that belonged to any of the females ever again.

Rule 669: Ronon is not allowed to play any board games for the foreseeable future.

A. At least, not until Bella's finished training him.

It turned out that the Satedan's patience was incredibly short. When John, Rodney, Lorne, Parrish, Zelenka and Cadman were all admitted to Carson after Games Night, the Scotsman grabbed Bella and told her to sort her boyfriend out pronto.

Rule 670: You cannot catch Chickenpox from chickens.

A. Even if they ARE alien chickens.

B. I don't care what SGA-8 said.

SGA-8 had been off-world with Halling and some of the other Athosians to secure a trade agreement, and had come back with a flock of chickens. Much to Beckett's amazement, the entire team ended up in the Infirmary three days later, all suffering from the Pegasus version of Chickenpox. The odds of four adults not having caught the disease in their respective childhoods was remarkable enough as it was, but that said adults were all on the same Gate team was nothing short of uncanny.

Carson's amazement soon turned to anger, though, when he found out that SGA-8 had started up a rumour about how they'd managed to catch the disease. Apparently, they'd told SGA-6, who were visiting them, that they'd caught it off of the chickens they'd been haggling for...

Once the mass hysteria had been squashed, Carson posted this rule and then tied socks to SGA-8's hands and feet to stop them scratching.

Rule 671: Do not hack into the Daedalus' mainframe.

A. Even if it was only a bet.

B. ESPECIALLY if it was for a bet.

Rodney and John had decided to place a small wager on the Canadian's chances of being able to hack into the Daedalus' control systems remotely. Never one to pass up an opportunity to demonstrate his brilliance, Rodney accepted and within minutes he was piloting the ship from his laptop.

Caldwell and Hermiod were not overly amused, especially when the boys unknowingly flew the ship into a swarm of Wraith Darts without their shields. A few frantic radio calls later (which demonstrated how many human swear words the Asgard knew), and Rodney restored everything to normal.

That should have been the end of it, but Caldwell wasn't one to forget such a little thing as almost being blown up in the middle of a space battle and beamed down to the city to look for the two culprits. When John and Rodney were carried in to the Infirmary a little while later, Carson reached a whole new level of livid – and Elizabeth went postal at the commander of the Daedalus.

Rule 672: As of right now, Dr McKay is no longer allowed to undertake Jumper Maintenance without being supervised.

A. And no, Rodney, having John there doesn't count.

No sooner than they'd been released from Carson's clutches after the remote controlled spaceship 'game', the boys were in trouble again. In their defence, they'd gotten bored whilst being on light duties. It all started when Rodney happened to mention that he'd been working on a theoretical problem that involved the Jumpers and Asgard hyperdrives. Of course, John (being John) got far too excited over the prospect of potential Jumper upgrades and had persuaded his friend to build a working model.

As it turned out, Rodney already had one – and had been looking for an excuse to do a refit of Jumper One for a little while...

Rule 673: If you are going to test out new modifications to the Puddle Jumpers, please make sure that you have a safety plan in place.

The Asgard hyperdrive was fitted and needed to be tested. After bribing Elizabeth and hiding from Carson, the boys got the green light to test it out. To start with, it worked even better than Rodney anticipated, with no malfunctions, dodgy side-effects or massive power surges.

Unfortunately, the only things he'd forgotten to take into consideration were a) they were in the Pegasus Galaxy, which seemed to have it in for them, and b) John didn't know when to stop playing with a new toy.

The pilot decided to take it out once more, this time without Rodney. Unfortunately, the hyperdrive had reached its breaking point and decided that enough was enough. It gave up the ghost and exploded while John was above the city...

Rule 674: Please would all personnel remember that Atlantis is extremely sensitive.

A. Run, John, run while you still can...

Thankfully, John had had enough sense to make sure that his beloved Jumper was fitted with emergency gear and parachuted from the rear hatch. He managed to land on his own balcony – he would later vow and declare that it was his own brilliant navigational skills that got him there, not merely a fluke, as Rodney insisted.

Unfortunately, when the hyperdrive exploded, it unleashed a small amount of radiation. While it wasn't enough to make John sick, it was all that Atlantis needed to trigger a lockdown. The pilot was startled to find himself quarantined in his own room. His confusion soon turned to dismay when he discovered that Carson was patiently waiting outside his quarters, ready to administer several shots.

He'd already gotten his hands on Rodney...

Rule 675: STOP ARGUING ABOUT HYPERDRIVES FOR THE BLOODY JUMPERS!

For a couple of days after the exploding hyperdrive fiasco, everything was worryingly quiet. Carson should have known that it couldn't possibly last. Much to his consternation, Rodney and Radek turned up at his door with mild concussions and sprained ligaments.

It turned out that they'd been having a debate about what had gone wrong with said hyperdrive that had eventually morphed into the mother of all arguments about who could build a better version. The argument descended rapidly into violence.

Carson was still shocked at how violent the Science Department could be, and had finally figured out who all the other geeks had learned their street fighting techniques from.

Rule 676: Do not race Atlantis against the Daedalus.

A. Hermiod's a sore loser.

The boys had a serious gambling problem.

John had made a bet with Rodney that Atlantis could out-run the Daedalus in a drag race. Caldwell soon got in on it (being a closet boy racer) and the rest of the expedition were startled when they suddenly shot into hyperspace.

Once they were back on Lantea, Elizabeth and Carson rounded up the boys and had a long talk with them. Then they turned the pair of them over to Hermiod – it turned out that the Asgard was frighteningly competitive and didn't take losing very well.

Rule 678: If a medical lockdown is triggered by accident, do not 'forget' how to turn it off.

A. I mean it, Rodney.

B. Do you know how long I was stuck with that bloody woman?!

Whilst on a visit to Atlantis, Colonel Carter had inadvertently caused a lockdown in the Infirmary, thanks to her protein marker from her time spent as a Tok'ra host. Atlantis had detected said protein marker and considered her a threat to the other inhabitants. Carson radioed for help and Rodney had dutifully turned up to save the day.

Unfortunately, he was still angry with Carson after the Scotsman had taken Hermiod's side following the great Atlantis Space Race. Seventeen hours later and the Canadian finally relented and let them out.

The job should've only taken about forty minutes... if it hadn't been for the fact that Rodney had conveniently 'forgotten' how to disarm the safety protocols. Needless to say, when Carson was finally free, the Canadian was nowhere to be seen.

Rule 679: Citrus in any shape or form is now a contraband item.

A. How many times do I have to tell you that Dr McKay is allergic?!

B. Seriously, you're going to kill the poor lad one of these days.

C. STOP IT!

Once again, Rodney was in the Infirmary following a citrus related incident. This time, it had been Elizabeth of all people, who had caused the anaphylactic shock. Carson had to physically restrain John from tearing the woman to pieces.

In her defence, she hadn't known that the newbies had spiked the vinegar, so John relented and sent Angus after them instead.

And he and Carson took pictures.

Rule 680: Do not lock people in Lab One.

A. Especially not if it's Drs McKay, Zelenka and Kavanaugh.

B. Remember what I said about running, John?

C. You're going to need a REALLY big head start, son...

It was official – John Sheppard was a dead man walking. After an ugly argument with Rodney, the wild haired pilot had locked his geek in Lab One with Kavanaugh. While it seemed like a suitable punishment (and effective way to end said argument) at the time, he hadn't realised that Radek was in there as well...

24 hours later, (and after reports of explosions), Carson made him unlock the doors. Radek was sitting on top of Kavanaugh, beating the long haired man round the head with a stool. Kavanaugh, meanwhile, was trying to throttle Rodney, who was in turn throwing a collection of test tubes and beakers at the Czech.

Once the three men had been separated and wheeled off to the Infirmary to have their numerous injuries seen to, Carson lent John a pair of running shoes. Then he advised the pilot to make himself scarce...


GAH! Just seen Matt Smith, aka The 11th Doctor. OH NOES! AND WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK A BOW TIE IS COOL?! Actually – if it's part of a sexy tux with David Tennant occupying it then that's fine. But you look like a total dork, man! I WANT DAVID TENNANT!!! WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

*points at the many, many exclamation marks and insists that every single one is needed*

THE NEW DOCTOR'S AWFUL! Okay, maybe he's not quite that bad, but I mean COME ON! The whole episode I was sat there and the only two things that crossed my mind were:

1) David Tennant would've done it much better, and

2) The man's practically a clone of my gorgeous Scotsman! And a bad one at that! GRRRR... BRING BACK DAVID, YOU HEATHENS!

AND WHY THE HELL IS THERE A ST JOHN'S AMBULANCE STICKER ON THE FRONT OF THE TARDIS??!!

Ahem.

Sorry, needed to get that out of my system. I'm sure Mr Smith will turn out to be a perfectly okay Doctor. (Just like I'm convinced that Stargate Universe deserved to usurp Atlantis' crown... NOT!) Still, I've always got my backup plan – I intend to re-write all the episodes in my head and imagine that it's the 10th Doctor instead. Ah-ha-ha! Suck on them apples, BBC!

(Okay, I'm calm now. Well, aside from the twitching... O.o)

R and R if you wanna see more!