I'm back! Sorry, I think RL and myself are going through a difficult patch in our relationship. *shakes fist at RL and mutters various threats*
Anyways, credits time. So thanks to the following lovely, wonderful and slightly insane people for giving me ideas/prompts/rules:
Shadows-of-Realm (Rule 682, and 711 to 717)
Jen-NCIS-Lover (Rules 687, 688 and 706)
Iliw (Rules 683 to 686, and also inspired Rule 702)
Saphreanna Grea (Rules 698 to 691 and 709 and 710)
anotamous (Rule 718)
albert12 (Rules 698, which inspired Rules 697 and 699 respectively)
moonagedaydreaming (Rule 704)
E. Nagrom (Rules 682 and 693)
T-man626 (Rules 682 and 694)
You lot are made of shiny awesomeness.
____________________________________________________
BTW – I forgot Rule 677 (bad Flossy!) in the last chapter, so I've put it in here. (I'm just lazy!)
Rule 677: Milo is not to be used as a horse.
A. Yes, he's a very BIG robot dog, but honestly...
John had gotten extremely bored one afternoon and decided that he wanted to play 'Cowboys and Indians'. Unsurprisingly, he soon recruited several other crew members to his little game, including the rest of his team, SGA-2, 3 and some of the cooks. After they'd been divided up equally into Cowboys and Indians and been suitably equipped with 'weapons' (the Cowboys had water pistols while the Indians had toy bows and arrows) the game began.
Everything was going well, with no injuries – until John decided that as head Cowboy, he should have a horse. He quickly found that Milo was more than happy to play along... Unfortunately, he hadn't taken into account several quite important factors. Firstly, riding around on the back of a huge metal dog got extremely uncomfortable after a while. Secondly, he was a fair way from the ground, and the floors of Atlantis were considerably harder than your average field. And lastly, he'd not realised that Milo could run a damn sight quicker than your average horse...
When Rodney and Milo carried the now quite badly injured Air Force man into the Infirmary, Carson went very quiet. Then he started muttering about re-enacting Custer's last stand...
(\ /)
( . .)
C(")(") Look! It's a BUNNY!
Ahem.
O.o
Onwards!
____________________________________________________
Rule 681: Corridor 13 is now strictly out of bounds.
Corridor 13 was the hallway in which the Scientists had set up their death traps after their 'Saw' addiction. Since said traps were too dangerous to be dismantled (after all, the last thing anyone on the Command Staff wanted was for people to start losing limbs), they were left alone.
The Marines, however, either couldn't read all the warning signs that had been put up, or were incredibly stupid. They'd taken to having races down said corridor, with bets being placed on how far each one could get. After several of them were admitted for emergency surgery and one person nearly lost a leg, Carson posted this rule as a gentle reminder to the rest of the crew.
Rule 682: Any and all Science Fairs (or related activities) are hereby banned until further notice.
Rodney and Radek decided that since both the Medical and Military contingents had their own festivities (namely, the Atlantis Games and the sport-a-thons respectively), the Science Department should also be allowed to do something. After managing to persuade Elizabeth that SGA-2 would not be allowed to either enter or play with dangerous chemicals, the leader of Atlantis finally caved under the pressure and agreed.
Both she and Carson soon realised that they'd made the mother of all bad choices.
After nearly two thirds of the civilians were admitted to the Infirmary and John's men were called upon to put out all the fires, the Scotsman was furious. His temper was not improved when he discovered the reason behind the mass devastation – Rodney and Radek had been running a 'How to Make Explosive Devices Out of Anything' seminar and had gotten a bit too enthusiastic...
Rule 683: 'The Life of Brian' is now on the banned movies list.
It seemed that Monty Python was a cult hit across the base. Following on from SGA-4's Monty Python Film Festival, Carson had to ban 'The Life of Brian'. It turned out that Rodney wasn't too impressed with people shouting 'Welease Wodney!' at him every five minutes and was on the verge of violence.
The Scotsman promptly took those responsible aside and had a quiet chat. After he'd explained that the Canadian could make a bomb out of something as mundane as a toothbrush, they packed it in.
Rule 684: Do not attempt to build replicas of Red Dwarf's Scutters.
SGA-2 were closet fans of the sci-fi show – so much s0 that Dr Singh and Corporal Jenkins managed to create two authentic (and operational) Scutters, which they named John and Rodney. When all of the team were admitted to Carson, the Scotsman assumed that their new toys had malfunctioned. It wasn't until he examined their injuries more closely that he discovered that they were caused by something a little bit more human...
Apparently, Sheppard and McKay weren't amused – and they were even less impressed when Carson made them have extra vitamin shots.
Rule 685: Do not play Human Kerplunk.
After the chaos caused by the Human Dominos craze, Carson thought that the expedition's need to play stupid games had finally run its course. However, the Marines (being as resourceful as a pack of cunning foxes) soon came up with an adequate replacement – Human Kerplunk. They'd gotten drunk one evening and decided that the best way to pass their time was to duct tape people to the ceiling in the Rec Room, and then peel off the strips one by one until gravity reasserted itself.
While the Marines found it highly amusing, Carson did not. Neither did the victims – and soon, the pets were called into action to break up the lynching mob that were baying for the Marines' blood.
Rule 686: 'Fawlty Towers' is also on the banned DVDs list.
A. The German personnel are still upset, by the way.
The Marines' drunken antics had inspired the British crew members – with disastrous results. After a few of them got together and watched 'Fawlty Towers', they decided to re-enact the infamous 'Don't mention the war' scene... in front of the German personnel. Needless to say, the Germans didn't take it very well, and soon Atlantis was nearly the host to WWIII.
The pets, however, were having a great time chasing the British crew members around the city.
Rule 687: When a woman asks one of following questions, be very careful as to how you answer:
A. 'Does this make my bum look big?'
B. 'Does this colour make me look fat?'
C. 'Is she prettier than me?'
Some of the men had a death wish. At least, that was Carson's professional opinion after Lorne, Kemp and Radek were all admitted to the Infirmary with injuries in some very interesting places. And when he found out that some of the ladies had caused said injuries after the guys had failed to come up with the preferred answer to their questions, he didn't stop laughing for almost a week.
Rule 688: Be careful where you learn to rollerblade.
Parrish wanted to learn how to rollerblade. With Lorne still in the Infirmary following on from the ass-kicking he'd received from Captain Dobbins, John readily agreed to teach the Botanist. Knowing that all sports were banned inside the city, the wild-haired pilot decided to hold his new class on the south pier...
Unfortunately, he hadn't taken into account that a rollerblading novice might not be able to stop when they got to the end of the pier. Parrish promptly ended up in the ocean and a very sheepish looking John had to drag him into the Infirmary to be treated by Carson.
He then had to explain to a very angry Lorne the reason why SGA-3's geek was suffering from a broken leg and hypothermia...
Rule 689: Jumping from a balcony to the floor below is NOT a viable shortcut.
A. Unless you want said shortcut to take you straight to the Infirmary.
B. Just because John and Ronon do it, that doesn't make it safe.
John and Ronon were teaching the rest of the expedition some very dangerous habits. After twelve people were admitted to Carson after they'd tried to imitate the boys, Carson had reached the end of his tether.
He promptly went to see Rodney to beg the use of Angus for half a day. The white tiger had a very enjoyable afternoon sharpening his claws and teeth.
Unsurprisingly, his two new scratching posts weren't as amused.
Rule 690: All personnel are reminded that only qualified members of staff are allowed to touch the gravity controls.
When the techs got bored, the entire expedition suddenly found themselves in conditions similar to that experienced by astronauts in deep space. After thirty five people were admitted to Carson suffering from 'air sickness', the physician shouted at Rodney for two hours until the Canadian finally managed to work out what the techs had done to the gravity controls.
Rule 691: General O'Neill is hereby banned from sending any Atlantis personnel anything.
A. We'll know if he has, people.
B. Consider yourselves duly warned...
Following on from the 'gifts' sent by O'Neill, Carson and Elizabeth finally realised that if they were to ban him from sending the expedition anything, they'd halve the number of casualties ending up in the ward.
Unfortunately, the General was sneaky – he started using other people's names on the boxes. How he found out about the ban, nobody was really sure, but John and Rodney looked awfully smug...
Rule 692: Do not use off-world plants to dye people's skin.
A. Nor any of the pets.
Carson was not impressed when he went to walk in his office one morning: Fred beat him to it and a bucket of water coloured dye landed on his pet. Although the alien wolf had saved the Scotsman from ending up a rather fetching shade of orange, the culprits were in for one hell of a rough time.
It turned out that the plant dye that the pranksters had chosen was okay for the humans of both galaxies to use. Unfortunately, it wasn't so good for wolf dogs that had an unknown allergic reaction to said plant dye.
It also wasn't too good for Carson's blood pressure.
Rule 693: Do not accept Easter Eggs from Carson for the foreseeable future.
A. Or anything containing chocolate, for that matter.
After the fiasco with Fred, Carson found the culprits on April Fool's Day. SGA-7 were offered some 'chocolate' eggs by the innocent looking Scotsman, which they promptly ate. Three hours later, they were all in the Infirmary and being seen to by Bella.
As it turned out, Carson had mixed the chocolate with extremely potent laxatives and was now highly amused at how SGA-7 all seemed to be walking funny.
Rule 694: As of now, the ladies are no longer allowed to make up the city rules.
A. ESPECIALLY on Casual Friday.
All the male personnel in French maids outfits, mass rioting and a frighteningly large number of casualties. Enough said.
Rule 695: The toy bows and arrows are to be handed in to Dr Beckett immediately.
After the base wide Cowboys and Indians game had been banned, the 'Indians' decided to get a little bit of revenge. Unfortunately for the rest of the city, Rodney, Radek and Lorne ranked among their members, and all of them were unmatched when it came to deviousness that bordered on psychotic.
After a lot of the original 'Cowboys' ended up in the Infirmary, Carson went mental, Rodney, Radek and Evan went into hiding, and John couldn't stop laughing.
Rule 696: As are all the 'modified upgrades'.
It seemed that before they'd decided to go AWOL, the lads had made some modifications to the Indians' weapons. In short, they'd managed to turn said toys into fully functioning and therefore highly dangerous weapons that were capable of rapid fire. Carson nearly went prematurely grey when he found out that Ronon had acquired a set...
Rule 697: If you have to take liquid medication, bloody well take it!
A. If you're not keen on the taste, you could try holding your breath.
B. Or pinching your nose.
C. Or a combination of the above.
John didn't like taking liquid medicine – so much so that Carson had to get Ronon to sit on the pilot until he caved in and took the dose.
Rule 698: If I find the person responsible for sneaking in slotted spoons, they'll be in serious trouble.
John was going to be Atlantis' first walking corpse if Beckett ever found out it was him.
Rule 699: And throwing the contents of your medicine cup over your shoulder won't work either.
A. I wasn't born yesterday, children.
B. Don't make me have to bring out the restraints.
The Air Force man was nowhere to be found after he'd convinced SGA-6 to do this. Carson, meanwhile, was muttering about bone saws and certain manic-haired Lieutenant Colonels...
Rule 700: Do not fake overdoses.
A. If I catch you, I'll make sure you end up in the afterlife.
B. Remember what I said about crying wolf?
SGA-9 faked an overdose on Tylenol to get out of a really long briefing. It wasn't until they were due to be stomach-pumped that they finally came clean. Carson was so angry with them that he made them have it done anyway.
The rest of the Command Staff were now seriously considering sending him for a psych evaluation with Kate.
Rule 701: Wheelchair jousting is hereby prohibited.
Much to everyone's surprise, Carson had actually invented this game, claiming that he'd modified it from 'Trolley Jousting'. After he ended up with a broken leg, everyone else decided that the Medics were dangerous when they were let out to play and banned them from inventing any more games for the foreseeable future.
Carson was still sulking.
Rule 702: Any alcohol made on base is to be closely monitored AT ALL TIMES.
A. Stills don't look after themselves, you know.
B. And they have a tendency to explode...
The Irish, British and Dutch personnel decided that Radek's monopoly on the production of hooch needed to be balanced up a bit, so they had a go themselves. Unfortunately for the rest of Atlantis, they hadn't realised that brewing said illegal booze was a painstaking and time consuming hobby – and that said stills needed to be watched 24/7.
After numerous casualties were admitted to the Infirmary, Carson got a little suspicious as to how his new patients all seemed to have identical injuries. And after Rodney discovered that two of his beloved labs had been more or less destroyed in explosions (caused when the stills went boom), he and the Scotsman were out for blood.
The rest of the Command Staff simply pointed them in the right direction and watched.
Rule 703: Red does not have 'Badger Rabies'.
Kavanaugh had spread this rumour after the little blue badger stole his cherry cupcake. Carson was forced to post this rule after the long haired Chemist was admitted to him, covered from head to toe in bite marks.
Red was now incredibly popular on base.
Rule 704: Do not spin weapons around.
A. Yes, I KNOW Ronon does this quite a lot, but he's allowed to.
B. He's also a very big alien man who can kick your sorry arses from here to the Milky Way and back again.
A couple of the Marines decided to do this – and nearly lost their legs. It seemed that spinning P-90s was a very dangerous thing to do, especially if the safety wasn't engaged...
Rule 706: The Science Department are to dismantle their 'Weather Manipulator' immediately.
After the freak weather incident that had left Atlantis covered in snow, the Scientists decided that they wanted to recreate the conditions to hold the Atlantis Winter Games. The idea was sound in theory, but when they turned on their Weather Manipulator, things didn't exactly go according to plan.
After Carson had to deal with hypothermia, severe sun stroke and pneumonia all in the same afternoon, he was less than happy with the Science Department. The Scientists were less than happy when Elizabeth made them hand over their new toy.
Rule 707: Chewing gum is to be used for its intended purpose only.
Carson was disturbed when he had to cut gum out of Lorne and Parrish's hair – apparently, they'd had a disagreement about something and had resorted to the war tactics of a ten year old.
Rule 708: All personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to blow other people's toilets up.
A. Even if they were being a jerk.
After the long haired menace of the Science Department humiliated Zelenka in front of the rest of the Scientists, the Czech was beyond anger. So he decided to exact some Eastern European justice on the man...
He blew Kavanaugh's toilet up while the Chemist was sat on it. Carson nearly throttled Radek when Kavanaugh was wheeled into the Infirmary screaming like a little girl. John and Rodney, meanwhile, considered selling tickets.
Rule 709: No ball games in the mess.
The Marines decided that they wanted to play baseball – in the Mess Hall. Twenty two casualties later, and Carson was starting to look very longingly at Ronon's blaster...
Rule 710: Do not lock people in the fridges.
A. Or the freezers.
The Scotsman got his revenge on the Marines by locking them all in the freezers in the kitchen. It wasn't until the rest of the Command Staff intervened that he relented and let out the now hypothermic and slightly frostbitten Marines. After assigning Drs Cole and Morrison to deal with the new patients, John, Rodney and Elizabeth quickly got Heightmeyer in to have a little chat with Carson...
Rule 711: All homemade canons are banned until further notice.
A. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Rodney.
B. It's for your own good.
Rodney decided to build a canon. Chaos and destruction ensued... Needless to say, the rest of the Command Staff were not amused with his latest toy and promptly confiscated it after he managed to blow a hole in the wall next to Kavanaugh's quarters. What they hadn't realised was that John liked the canon and snuck it back out again.
Two days later, and neither of the boys could sit properly, while Carson was the picture of innocence.
Rule 712: Do not give people joyrides in the remote controlled Puddle Jumpers.
John blamed Rodney for the pair of them being caught with the supposedly confiscated canon and decided to get his own back. He locked the Canadian in one of his remote controlled Jumpers and took it on the joyride from hell.
Three hours later, he finally let Rodney out (mainly because Elizabeth was threatening to send Ronon and Teyla in to negotiate for the scientist's safe release). Carson reached a whole new level of furious after he saw the state of McKay and made John have booster shots for nearly every illness he could think of.
Rule 713: Dr Weir is hereby banned from consuming any alcohol whatsoever until further notice.
After some intense negotiating, Elizabeth managed to get Carson to withdraw the ban on poker night. She then held Ladies Poker Night, complete with copious amounts of alcohol.
After she was dragged into the Infirmary completely plastered, Carson quickly posted this rule – after all, there was only so much a man could take, and having your boss serenade you with 'Sexy Beast' at four in the morning ranked in the top ten most embarrassing things in the Universe.
Rule 714: All carnivals are to be supervised.
A. I can't believe I just wrote that...
John and Rodney decided to hold a carnival in the city, claiming that everyone needed a bit of a morale boost. The rest of the expedition agreed and soon, they were busy setting up various rides and stalls all across the city. The only problem was that John insisted that they needed a Ferris Wheel to make it a proper carnival. Ronon knew of an off-world market that had machines similar to the Earth device and soon, SGA-1 were gating to said market on their most important mission to date.
While the locals of P6x-918 did indeed have Ferris Wheels, and were more than willing to trade them, John hadn't taken into consideration an important fact. Namely, how they were going to fit said wheel through the Gate. After three hours of arguing, John had had enough and decided that brute force would be the ideal solution, rather than Rodney's more sensible idea of simply dismantling it and re-building it back on Atlantis.
Unsurprisingly, it didn't work, and six hours after they left, SGA-1 finally returned to Atlantis with a broken Ferris Wheel and numerous cuts and bruises. Carson was so angry that he sent them to the isolation room for a week, and only relented when Rodney, Teyla and even Ronon started begging him to let them out.
John, as it turned out, really, really wanted to go to the carnival...
Rule 715: Stop scaring the Military Staff, Teyla.
The Athosian, who had also been at Ladies Poker night, decided to declare her undying love for Major Lorne – in front of the entire base.
Rule 716: Be careful when running around outside.
Unsurprisingly, Lorne was more than a little scared when Teyla made her groundbreaking announcement over the PA system and ran for his life. Unfortunately, he wasn't paying attention to where he was going and ended up running off the north pier.
Carson banged his head against the nearest wall and got Dr Cole to deal with the hypothermic soldier. He then asked Bella to sober Teyla up before he locked himself in his office.
Rule 717: For the love of everything holy, do NOT carry weapons around if you are ill.
After various lectures about good gun practice from John, Rodney decided to make his life simpler and just keep his sidearm with him at all times. He reasoned that since the Military contingent did it and he was on an off-world team, he'd get away with it.
To begin with, nobody minded too much – until Rodney got so ill that he became delirious. He managed to shoot John, Radek, Ronon, Teyla and even Carson before he ran out of ammo and the security detail managed to tackle him.
Needless to say, once he was better, he had a LOT of apologising to do.
Rule 718: Do not use 'superpowers' to fight the Wraith.
A. It doesn't work.
B. You're not superheroes!
Following on from their earlier attempts, John and Lorne decided to fight the Wraith while dressed up as Spiderman and Ironman. After persuading Rodney to make some adjustments (and also to make some more costumes), SGA-1 and Major Lorne went off-world...
The Wraith on M8G-018 were startled when Spiderman, Ironman, the Invisible Woman, the Incredible Hulk and Batman turned up out of nowhere and started kicking their asses, but soon worked out that these new enemies were nothing more than humans in strange clothes.
Luckily, no one was seriously injured, but Carson and Elizabeth were not impressed when the gang limped back to the city looking like something Angus would drag in.
The gang, meanwhile, were less than happy when Carson told them they all needed intensive physicals, just to be certain there was no harm done.
Rule 719: Please remember that toothpicks were not designed as weapons.
It all started when Stackhouse and Kemp got into a fight over the last of the cherry ice cream. After throwing nearly all of the cooking equipment in the kitchens at each other, they decided to settle things by having a toothpick fight...
Carson nearly cried when the two soldiers limped into the Infirmary with numerous little wooden sticks poking out of their bodies.
Rule 720: No bumper car races in the hallways!
There were still some bits of equipment left over from the now infamous 'Atlantis Carnival', including the bumper cars. John and Rodney decided to race each other from Lab One to the Mess Hall – and the ensuing carnage resulted in twenty five people being admitted to Carson.
Amazingly, neither of the boys ranked among the casualties – until Carson got hold of them.
Tee hee! Gods, I'm twisted! Also, I now have a brand new pet thanks to Shadows-of-Realm – he gave me a virtual!Phoenix! How cool is that?! So if you want to keep me, my blue badgers, Benji and Gideon (that's my Phoenix) happy, leave me a review!
Pretty please???
