Attack of the Munchkins
Disclaimer: see first chapter
Thanks for the reviews everyone! XD
Sorry for the long wait!
I finished my exams now! But I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I won't be able to post for 3 weeks!
Anyway, here's the next chapter! Enjoy!
…
I thought working with dead people was bad.
The dead, I can get on with; all I have to do is ask a few questions, fill out a few forms and that's it. Generally they're quiet, have the same morbid sense of humour as me and don't really mind listening to Paramore, Evanescence, Avenged Sevenfold etc.
The living? Forget it; they whinge about the weather, each other's taste in music and their taste in clothes, they're totally two-faced and – I only found out about this a few weeks ago, after Mitchell and I returned from our quest – they pester you incessantly if they happen to have a crush on your friend.
Louise Harmer, an Aphrodite girl, has the world's biggest – and no, I'm not exaggerating here – crush on Luke Castellan. So naturally, because I happen to be his best friend, she keeps asking me what kind of girl he likes, if I think he likes her, what she can do to get his attention, nag, nag, nag, no end of questions no matter how many times I tell her to ask him herself.
I was getting dangerously close to throttling her when Nico came and saved what was left of my sanity.
"Mr D wants to see you," he said, "something about Aphrodite, I think,"
I rolled my eyes and walked past Nico.
"Thank you," I told him, "You've just saved me from another day of interrogation,"
Nico chuckled, "You're welcome,"
I half skipped, half ran to the big house.
…
"You called?" I asked brightly, flopping into one of the chairs.
"Aphrodite's causing trouble again," Dionysus explained.
"What am I supposed to do about it?" I asked, "Seeing as she hates my guts because I don't like Disney all that much – not the new stuff anyway,"
"You're basically her exact opposite," Dionysus began.
"What, plain, despises most Disney with a passion, prefers dark colours, works with dead people and is generally creepy?" I asked, listing what I was on my fingers, "What about it?"
"Logically," Chiron continued Dionysus' point, "You'll be able to reverse whatever it is she has sent Eros to do."
"I'm guessing there's a 'but' involved in this," I began, "I'm not allowed to curse him?"
"No,"
"Damn," I grumbled, "Can I hit him?"
"Yes," Dionysus interrupted before Chiron could confirm that I couldn't, "I give you my expressed permission to maim, torture and generally dissuade the little wretch from doing his mother's bidding. And that," he concluded, "is sworn on the river Styx,"
There was an ominous rumble in the sky and I grinned; this was going to be fun.
…
"Does he like blondes?" Louise asked for the fifth time in one minute, "Or should I dye it? What colour should I dye it? What hairstyle does he –?"
"For Primus' sake ask him yourself!" I fumed, for once using the name of the transformer god instead of invoking one of the Ancient Greek ones.
"But what if he laughs at me?" Louise asked.
"Well nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say," I snapped, angrily tapering the flint arrowhead to a dangerously sharp point and putting it in the "completed" bucket, "You don't get any fun if you don't take risks. Just ask him if he likes you."
"Ask who?"
I looked up to find Luke leaning in the doorway.
"How long have you been standing there?" I asked curiously.
"About a minute or so," Luke replied, still leaning on the door in what I have officially dubbed as the 'look at me I'm cool' stance, "Ask who?"
Louise blushed and started mumbling; I rolled my eyes.
"Luke," I began, "Do you like Louise?"
"Huh?" he asked, startled into straightening up.
"Because she's been pestering me for weeks to ask you," I explained, picking up another flint and hammering it into a rough shape, "and she obviously can't talk when you're around, so for the sake of my sanity; do you like Louise?"
"Like as in…?"
"As in she fancies you," I replied, ignoring the Aphrodite girl's blushing, "Do you feel the same way or similar?"
"Uh…" Luke paused, evidently trying to word his answer carefully.
"For the love of Hecate, Luke it's a one-word answer!" I snapped irritably, putting another arrowhead in the bucket, "Yes or no?"
Luke thought about it a moment longer, "No,"
Louise burst into tears and ran from the workshop.
"It's not that awful," I grumbled after her, hammering at another flint.
"What was that about?" Luke looked stunned as he approached the desk where I was working.
"She's been pestering me since Mitchell and I got back from finding Zeus's master bolt," I replied, "It's been driving me crazy,"
Luke let out a short bark of laughter.
"Glad I could rescue what little sanity you have," he grinned, "What're you gonna do with those?" he nodded at the slowly filling bucket of flint arrowheads.
"Apollo's kids broke the arrows they use on the archery range," I responded, dumping another arrowhead into the bucket, "I didn't have anything to do so I offered to make some more arrowheads for them,"
"Don't they use metal ones?"
I looked up at Luke with an irritated glare.
"They know I'm doing flint ones," I responded, "It's only practice arrows anyway. They're not going to use them for actual battles."
Luke grinned broadly and I glared at him again; he'd been teasing.
"Go and find some other girl to irritate," I grumbled, lobbing a flint at him; he just laughed and caught the flint before slipping it into the bucket and leaving before I succumbed to the urge to hit him.
…
Another thing I hate about the living; they all seem to think that a whole cabin against one is perfectly fair.
I'd just handed the arrowheads to Will Johnson – a fellow English camper, although his dad is Apollo – when I was waylaid and cornered by the Aphrodite cabin – not just one or two of them, I mean every single inhabitant – who demanded to know why I'd "been so horrible to Louise".
"I wasn't," I replied, "I asked Luke, in front of her, if he liked her and his answer was no," I shrugged and tried to push past them. As is usual for someone with my inherent lack of luck, I failed.
"What did you do to Luke to get him to not like Louise?" Kelsey Hooper, current leader of the Aphrodite cabin and the type of girl who's bound to have kids before she leaves school, glared at me, determined to get me to admit to her accusation.
"In a word that's commonly used by the northern English," I replied calmly, "Nowt."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kelsey demanded.
"It's Geordie for 'nothing'" I replied, "I didn't do anything because there was nothing to be done," a movement caught my eye, "Now if you'll excuse me I have a job to do," I pushed through the ranks of super-model kids with my pendant changing into a sword in my hand.
"Oi!" I yelled at a very familiar blonde model teen with a bow in his hand, "What do you think you're doing, Eros? This is private property and I don't remember you being invited."
"Like I'd come here by invitation," he sneered, "I'm here on official business,"
"Well if it's official then shouldn't you be talking to Dionysus?" I suggested, "He deals with that stuff as the head of camp."
"It's none of his business," Eros snapped, "I'm here on behalf of my mother."
"Aphrodite sticking her oar in as usual, I see," I muttered, grabbing the offending minor god roughly by the arm and dragging him off to a place where we could talk privately.
"Dionysus gave me his expressed permission to kick seven shades out of you," I informed him coldly, "And don't think I won't take him up on that after what you did to Mitchell last week."
"That was a false shot," Eros shrugged, "Not my fault his girlfriend happened to be in the way,"
I grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt and pressed him against a large oak with a growl.
"Don't even think about shifting the blame onto Felicity," I warned him, almost tasting the acid in my words, "I'm going to give you one chance to get the hell out of here within the next two seconds and if you don't then I swear on the river Styx I'll make you wish you'd never been conceived."
There was another ominous rumble and Eros gulped. Once released he dropped to the floor, gagging and coughing as if I'd stopped him breathing.
"Two seconds, Eros," I warned, "they're nearly over."
Eros glared at me and vanished.
"Well, that was easy," I shrugged, "Almost too –"
I suddenly pitched forward and hit the ground, narrowly avoiding a suspiciously heart-shaped arrow that whizzed over my head.
"Bloody deities!" I fumed, "They never get the message!" I looped the pendant around my neck and willed it to turn into light-weight, impenetrable, full-body armour that basically made me look like a walking titanium statue. I leapt to my feet and ran in the direction that the arrow had come from. After realising that I fully intended to castrate the little bastard, the cherub decided that now would be a good time to take his leave.
I growled and ran back to camp to find half the campers (usually male) locked in their cabins and the other half (mostly female) clawing at the doors, cooing their adoration for the unfortunate campers under siege.
"Bloody hell," I muttered as I saw the carnage; it took me a few minutes to spot the cherubs shooting at point-blanc range.
I rolled my eyes and willed the earth to swallow me.
…
I arrived moments later in the Hades cabin, just as I had intended, thoroughly pleased to see that all of my boss's children were unscathed and had barricaded the door.
"Cora!" Nico exclaimed as the armour reverted back to being a pendant around my neck.
"Thank Hades!" another cabin-member, Jack Wilkes, sighed with relief, "It's chaos out there!"
"I know it is," I replied, "Which is why I'm taking you all to see your father until I can kick the little bastards out of camp. Permanently."
"I want to help," Nico insisted.
"Certainly not!" I exclaimed, "You think I want to risk you getting hit by one of those god-awful pink things? No; you and the rest of the cabin stay in the underworld with Hades and I'll rope some of the gods into helping." I clicked my fingers and we all plummeted into darkness.
…
"Cora, if my children wish to help –"
"I'm sorry, Hades," I repeated for the fifth time, "But I don't want to be responsible for them acting like lovesick puppies – there's incest out there for crying out loud! Do you want them to be subjected to that?"
Hades shuddered and I knew I'd won the argument.
"You'll need Artemis's help," my boss informed me.
"I know," I replied, "But where can I find her?"
"Use your powers, girl!" Hades rolled his eyes impatiently, "Tell Artemis that the cherubs are attacking and she and her hunters will come to your aid – just make sure they come in armour."
I saluted and allowed the ground to swallow me once more.
…
Finding Artemis was the easy bit; it was convincing her and her hunters that they were needed in battle at the camp that was difficult; she still remembered the last time Eros had got involved in the affairs of her hunters.
"I'm not going to risk that happening again," she informed me somewhat coldly, "Your plan is ludicrous, anyway."
"Well it's either that," I replied in a tone that could start an ice age, "or I'll have to call on dead people."
"Well call on them then," came Thalia's response.
"Thalia," I turned to face the lieutenant of the huntresses, "the dead don't discern between cherubs and humans, and I'll have all the gods on my case if I use them. Besides; they aren't as perfect shots as you lot and I'll give you first call on Eros when I track him down."
A slow grin crept across Thalia's face.
"No," Artemis interjected, grinning evilly, "If you are going to hunt down Eros, I want first call; he lost me one of my hunters on Aphrodite's orders,"
"I'm kicking her to Tartarus and back as well if I get the chance," I added, "She's responsible for this anyway."
The hunters went to have a brief conversation before returning.
"We'll help," Artemis announced.
I smiled and set off to convince the other gods.
…
"How can you breathe underwater anyway?" Triton asked.
"I'm technically dead," I responded, "So I don't really need to breathe as much as normal living people do – where did you say your dad was?"
"Cora!" Poseidon exclaimed, rushing over, "How's life over water?"
I didn't even need to tell him; he could tell from the look on my face.
"Tell me everything," he ordered.
"We're gonna be here a while…"
…
Poseidon frowned as I finished the account of current events.
"Aphrodite has ordered Eros to get involved?"
"Yes"
"And he's recruited cherubs?"
"Yes he has,"
"Hmm…" the sea god looked at the Cyclopes toiling away in the forges.
"I'll see what I can do," He informed me.
…
"APHRODITE!" Zeus roared after I informed him of what Eros had done to his beloved son.
Aphrodite, also known as the biggest deified slut in the history of the universe, appeared in a cloud of sickly-smelling perfume.
"What is it, Zeus?" she asked irritably, "I have an appointment,"
"Yeah," I snorted, "With Ares' bed,"
The whore-goddess glared at me.
"You will have Eros reverse everything he has done on camp half-blood," Zeus ordered, "And the same for the mess caused by the cherubs,"
"The cherubs are not my responsibility," Aphrodite sneered, still glaring at me, "Have the Hades girl sort it out."
"I am sorting it," I responded, smiling wickedly "Artemis and her hunters send their regards,"
"You sent Artemis after my son?" Aphrodite shrieked, "From now on you will never have a stable relationship!"
"Doesn't bother me," I shrugged, "I'm not exactly stable myself."
Aphrodite promptly reversed the curse and tried to think of something else.
"You do realise the cherubs are also shooting at your kids?" I pointed out, "The only ones they're avoiding are Eros's children – the Hades cabin had the sense to hide before the cherubs could strike."
Aphrodite screamed in outrage and vanished.
"I will call the gods to arms," Zeus informed me, "And we will put a stop to this nonsense,"
"Much obliged, Sky lord," I bowed gracefully, "much obliged,"
…
It was worse when I got back.
Cherubs had somehow got into the cabins and were shooting everyone they could aim at, so naturally everyone was running every which way getting away from half-bloods and cherubs alike.
Fortunately, Artemis chose that very moment to arrive with her hunters and go all kick-ass on the little rats.
The Cherubs, after realising they were being shot at, turned round to face the hunters in order to unleash their full fury, before being struck by a volley of arrows from the other side – Apollo's cabin had also avoided the carnage and joined in the fight.
Despite my suggestion, Nico and the other children of Hades, and Hades himself, arrived with an invasion force of skeletons, souls and zombies to join in the fight.
Their presence seemed to reverse the affects of the cherubs' arrows; the entire camp woke up in realisation of the battle taking place and immediately came to arms, each with their godly parents leading (Ares in particular seemed to be enjoying himself, teaching Clarisse how to use his new favourite toy, a crossbow with the power of a machine gun) and leapt into the fray.
"Never expected this!" Luke grinned as he appeared next to me, using his sword, backbiter, to kill the cherubs, "How the hell did this happen?"
"You don't remember?" I asked, shocked.
Luke shrugged, "I fell asleep by the beech,"
Poseidon brought down a veritable tsunami on the cherubs, completely drenching the rest of us at the same time (not that I minded; it was 40 degrees out that day) as he and the Cyclopes reached us, hollering battle cries at an impossible volume.
Grover returned after another trip to rescue half-bloods at that moment. Shielding the newbies behind him, he opened his mouth and shrieked a terribly cry that sent the cherubs fleeing in panic, back to whatever sick, sordid little place they came from.
"Grover!" Percy and Annabeth rushed over to welcome the satyr, enveloping him in a rough hug.
"Grover, could kiss you right now," I grinned, "You've just officially saved the whole of camp,"
"You guys were fighting cherubs?" he raised his eyebrows sceptically.
"Long story," I shrugged, turning to the newbies, "Don't worry," I grinned, "This isn't normal,"
"This is a quiet day," Luke grinned, casually looping an arm around my waist as he approached.
"Not helping," I commented, "But the worst that usually happens here is an inter-cabin war, or capture the flag,"
We all laughed.
"Anyway," Grover sighed, "I've got to present the new campers to Mr D, so I'll see you guys later," he lead the newcomers to Dionysus to introduce them.
Percy and Annabeth were looking at me weirdly.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing," Percy grinned.
"Seriously; what?"
They just chuckled and walked off, leaving me totally confused.
"Bloody Percabeth," I grumbled – Percabeth being the new name for the couple as one entity.
Luke grinned at them "They'll grow up," he assured me
"Not in the next two years they won't," I replied, sounding irritated.
Luke decided to change the subject; "You know when you asked me about Louise earlier?"
"You mean when she was driving me round the twist with her incessant questioning?" I replied innocently, "Yes I do, why?"
"Remember I said no?"
"Yeah…"
What happened next shocked me so much that I temporarily forgot to slap Luke across the face.
He kissed me.
Not like a peck on the cheek or anything either; it was one of those kisses you usually see in movies – the kind that are supposed to leave you breathless.
Which it did, and I was forced to slap him.
"What the hell was that for?" I asked, knowing that my cheeks were starting to colour.
"That's why I don't see Louise in the same way she sees me," Luke replied, "I'm too in love with someone else,"
"A creepy dead girl who works for Hades?" I raised my eyebrows, "Why?"
Luke chuckled and kissed me again.
"Because you're special," he whispered in my ear.
"You're crazy," I countered.
"Maybe I am," He grinned, "But if this is crazy then I won't miss sanity,"
"I will," I countered, "The Aphrodite cabin's going to kill me,"
"And Risk the Hades cabin sending an army of zombies at them?" Luke grinned, "I think not. Besides; what fun is life without a few risks?"
I chuckled and shook my head, "You're mad,"
"Luke and Cora, sitting in a tree –"
Before Nico got the chance to finish the little ditty I tackled him.
"Not a word about this to anyone," I warned him, "Or I'll tell them about you and –"
"No!" Nico pleaded, "I won't tell, I promise,"
I hauled him up and ruffled his hair, "Good boy," I told him.
"K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Nico muttered with a grin.
I rolled my eyes and proceeded to chase him all the way back to the bonfire, Luke following close behind with a grin on his face.
…
Forgive the fluff; I'm no good at that :)
Anyhow; another awful chapter by me! Hopefully the next one will be better XD
I have several fics on the go and not enough time to write them, but I'm doing my best! :D
Bear with me and review! Reviews make me happy! :)
