Wotcha! I proudly present yet more insanity from the Atlantis gang. It's a slightly shorter chapter this time, but I wanted to post something having promised to do so.
But first:
Shadows-of-Realm gave me the prompts for Rules 734 and 750.
Scotius provided me with Rules 726 to 728, 735 to 737 and also 740 to 743.
And last but not least, Iliw wanted Rules 732, 733, 744 to 747.
I NEED MORE PROMPTS! Ahem.
And we're off again...
Rule 721: The Marines are not allowed to 'glomp' random crew members.
A. GROW UP!
The Marines had a new game, much to Carson's dismay. They'd somehow heard about 'glomping' and had decided to try it out on unsuspecting civilian passers-by. After several of their victims were admitted to the Infirmary, the Scotsman taught Fred the basics behind 'glomping' and let him have at it with the Marines.
Oddly enough, they stopped doing it.
Rule 722: Crew members are reminded that metal rulers are dangerous.
Miko and Radek were starting to seriously scare the rest of the Science Department. After the two of them had waged a mock 'pirate' battle in Lab Two, using said metal rulers as swords, Carson was flooded with patients.
Rodney, meanwhile, was too busy trying to kill the pair of them to notice how much paperwork he now had to do.
Rule 723: Do not 'borrow' other peoples' hair products.
A. Pack it in, you two, or I'm telling Elizabeth.
When Rodney and John limped into the Infirmary, Carson's internal warning bells started ringing very loudly. And they only got more insistent when neither of the boys would explain how they got said injuries in the first place. Eventually, after some bribery, begging, wheedling and a couple of well timed threats, the Scotsman had a rough idea of what had happened.
It went something like this:
There may have been an incident. Said incident could have involved a piece hair styling equipment and someone's hair. There was a remote possibility that perhaps the equipment was Elizabeth's curling tongs and the hair belonged to John. And maybe Rodney decided to introduce them to each other...
It turned out that John didn't like his new poodle perm and decided to get back at Rodney. Quite what he'd done (or for that matter, how the boys had ended up in the Infirmary) was still up for debate, but Carson had gotten all that he could from the pair of them. To teach them both a lesson, he strapped them to their beds and let Laura and Katie give them a makeover.
Rule 724: Books were designed for READING.
The Marines hadn't quite mastered the basic concept behind books – apparently, they preferred to use them as rugby balls/footballs/Frisbees/whatever. Carson took one look at them and sent Bella to deal with them.
Rule 725: Dr Kavanaugh is NOT a human piñata.
A. Stop it.
B. Or I'll sic Fred and Ronon on you.
Some of the expedition had tried to use Kavanaugh as a human piñata. It hadn't ended well, and now the long-haired bane of the Science Department was making Carson's life hell. While Beckett had no problem with Kavanaugh being taught a lesson, he objected to the fact that said education had resulted in the man being stuck in the Infirmary while he healed.
The Scotsman promptly posted this rule then borrowed Angus and Milo. The trio then tracked down the culprits and gave them a taste of their own medicine.
Rule 726: Do not use electromagnets while Milo is around.
Milo was undergoing his monthly maintenance when a group of Rodney's minions decided to test out a brand new electromagnet in the adjoining laboratory. His Ancient systems proved to be immune to the strong magnetic field, but all of his Earth-made parts turned out to be less durable, and were completely scrambled. The Robo-dog switched to full battle mode and went on mad rampage through City's halls and corridors, chasing imaginary Wraith.
Fortunately, his friend-or-foe recognition system was Ancient based so none of Expedition members was directly attacked – but having a big, black mechanical beast bouncing off walls and tearing to pieces any inanimate objects in his way managed to cause an enormous amount of damage and panic. The havoc didn't abate even when Milo finally crashed through one of windows, fell twenty stories down and plunged in the ocean.
Instead, Sheppard and McKay had to hastily organise a retrieval mission before the robot sank too deep (and to make Stackhouse stop wailing like a three year old girl). All of the Infirmary staff was called upon to take care of over thirty victims... and all the members of SGA-2 grabbed stunners and started chasing the guilty physicists around the City.
Rule 727: From now on only Botany Department is allowed to care for plants in the City.
After the incident with Milo, many potted plants were destroyed and needed to be replaced. The scientists responsible for the robo-dog mayhem were assigned to this duty as punishment – which turned out to be a huge mistake on Elizabeth's part. They may well have been Nobel Prize Winner material, but none of the young prodigies knew a thing about plants.
Instead of asking for advice and help from competent persons, the wannabe gardeners simply raided the Botany Department's greenhouses and placed a variety of alien flora specimens haphazardly around the Atlantis.
In less than two hours, the Infirmary was flooded with victims of allergic reactions, plant bites, skin rashes, poisonous thorns and pollens and even strangulation and whipping when the Marines had to fight off particularly aggressive specimen of ivy from MX-450Y. After order was finally restored, Elizabeth shouted at the culprits for over three hours straight, Rodney swore to make their lives Hell after Katie Brown cried on his shoulder for better part of day, and John just stood there glaring ominously with Ronon and host of very bulky and still dishevelled Marines behind him.
Carson, on the other hand, just sat comfortably and watched the fireworks go off.
Rule 728: Teams sent to M7N-210X are not allowed to eat or drink anything natives might offer them.
A. Remember what happened to SGA-2, people?
B. If you don't remember just ask anyone from Gate Room personnel.
After successfully finishing negotiations for mining privileges, the members of SGA-2 drank a traditional ceremonial tea with the Elders of Asida. Unfortunately said tea had unpredicted and delayed side effects on the Earth-born humans. The psychotropic contents of the drink affected their mental processes and forced them to emulate the people that they subconsciously wanted to be like... And as it turned out whole team carried impressive amount of hero-worship toward SGA-1.
As soon as they stepped inside Gate Room Stackhouse hit on Elizabeth, Sgt Estevez expressed her desire to negotiate a trade agreement for most of Atlantis' weapons, Dr Singh loomed threateningly over security detail (which was no small feat for the short and rather pudgy geologist) and Corporal Jenkins tried to steal the City's ZPM.
Before they all crashed and were carried out to Infirmary, the foursome managed to give Expedition a lot of embarrassing blackmail material.
Rule 729: For the love of all things holy, please remember that GRENADES ARE NOT TOYS.
The Marines were in trouble yet again. This time, they'd decided to play catch with what they thought were de-activated grenades...
As it turned out, said explosives were very, very live. After Carson had finished patching them up, he let John and Rodney loose on them and then sold tickets to the rest of the expedition.
Rule 730: Do not attempt to 'borrow' any drugs from the Medicine Cabinet.
Parrish had a headache and had decided to simply 'borrow' a bottle of Tylenol from the Medicine Cabinet in the Infirmary. What he didn't know was that Carson had recently fitted a new alarm system to prevent said 'borrowing'.
When Rodney finally managed to turn it off, Carson found that he had to deal with a now unconscious Parrish, who had managed to perforate his eardrums thanks to the racket made by the burglar alarm. Elizabeth put her foot down and made the Scotsman remove the device.
Rule 731: You are not allowed to use Were Bear toys to freak other people out.
SGA-4 had gotten a stash of Were Bear toys from a recent trip to Earth. That was fine – although it was a little bit troubling that grown men and women had teddy bears, Elizabeth and the rest of the Command Staff figured that if it made them happy and kept them out of trouble, then so be it.
Unfortunately, they hadn't realised that the toys had been smuggled into Atlantis for a rather more insidious plan...
After Kavanaugh was subjected to random 'attacks' from said toys, he locked himself in Lab Six and refused to come out. While most of the expedition thought it was hilarious, the Command Staff were not amused – especially Kate, who now had to see the long-haired chicken on a regular basis to discuss his issues surrounding cuddly toys.
Rule 732: 'South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut' is now banned.
The Marines had taken to singing the infamous Terrence and Phillip song whilst very drunk – in the early hours of the morning. And as if that wasn't bad enough, Rodney had taken the other memorable song ('Blame Canada') rather personally. No one was really sure what made the physicist snap, but the current favourite was that Kavanaugh had decided to sing the 'They're not even a real country' line repeatedly whilst in the presence of McKay. It took both Ronon and John to physically restrain their friend and thus stop him from throttling the pony-tailed idiot.
Rule 733: No allusions to Only Fools and Horses!
Rodney couldn't understand why his computer suddenly started saying 'you plonker!' and Radek was equally clueless... until Carson heard it and lent them an Only Fools DVD. Needless to say, Rodney's reaction wasn't pretty and several people were hospitalised after the physicist went on the rampage.
The British scientists were now all in hiding.
Rule 734: Do not attempt to wake up Ronon.
A. Especially if he's got his blaster with him.
John had done this when the Satedan was late for a briefing. Ronon had been more than a little startled and had fired his blaster directly at the wild-haired Colonel. Luckily, it hadn't been set to 'kill', but it wasn't exactly on 'stun' either.
As it turned out, when the weapon was set halfway between the two settings, it meant that the victim was propelled at considerable speed away from the big man. Unluckily for John, this meant that he was blasted through the wall.
Carson had to be restrained when Ronon carried a very battered looking John into the Infirmary.
Rule 735: From now on, mashed potatoes are to be used only in Mess Hall as a part of a meal.
A. Seriously folks, do you want to piss off cooks?
B. Do you?
By trial and error, the Maintenance Staff found a universal sealant for almost all the leakages in the City. The sticky, gooey and generally unappetizing mashed potatoes did wonders when generously applied on compromised pipes, valves and tanks around Atlantis.
The techs and cooks alike were happy (for different reasons of course) until Rodney noticed unusual amounts of the icky stuff disappearing from the Mess. His unstoppable curiosity led him to one of flooded areas where he found exactly what technicians were doing and why. Then he shared his discovery with his team, and after that, news travelled through the rumour mill's grapevine like lightning until, unavoidably, it reached the Mess Staff's ears.
After three days of cold, inedible meals, riots erupted around the City. The Infirmary became swamped with victims of various food-related illnesses and Elizabeth hastily enforced this new rule.
Rule 736: You are not allowed to insult your co-workers in Alien languages.
A. It is rude and unprofessional.
B. Dr. Weir will understand anyway.
Usually, the Linguists were one of the quieter and fairly normal groups on Atlantis. Regrettably, mused Carson, it was not the case anymore.
As soon as the wormhole closed behind Elizabeth, who going to Earth for an IOA conference, all the Linguists in the City stopped using any Earth languages. Instead, phrases and sentences in Ancient, Goa'uld and even Asgard could be heard in every room and corridor of Atlantis.
Finally, Rodney snapped after Dr. Peters delivered a particularly long and venomous diatribe aimed at him, and ran a translation program on the main computer. As it turned out, the Linguists used the absence of the expedition leader to freely insult just about everyone else in the city and get away with it.
Now, however, with the Ancient systems translating every word in real time, their plan suffered a severe setback. Beckett was completely flabbergasted when his Infirmary became stuffed with patients suffering from bloody noses, black eyes, bruises and scrapes. When he finally learned what caused all the ruckus, it was his turn to yell and curse – in three different languages simultaneously.
Rule 737: You can NOT trade or 'loan' your teammates to get something you want in return.
A. The next person to try that will get one-way ticket to Earth.
It was all SGA-11's resident geek fault.
When he couldn't get permission to enter a temple with store of Ancient artefacts inside, Dr Burns offered to Priests the 'services' of his teammates during an ongoing festival. Of course, caught up in the heat of discovery, he couldn't be bothered to ask exactly what those 'services' would be...
And so, while he was gleefully digging through stacks of Ancient gadgets, the somewhat bewildered Lt DeSoto and Privates Young and Romov were led to the City Hall, relieved of their equipment and uniforms, then covered in paint and feathers, and finally chased around the city by hordes of stick wielding natives. (It would later be discovered that the team were dressed up as the embodiments of evil spirits that needed to be driven away.)
When finally SGA-11 made their way back to Atlantis, DeSoto – who was covered in paint, blood and bruises – promptly knocked his scientist out cold and, ignoring everyone's reactions, stormed out to Infirmary in search of Beckett.
Rule 738: The Science Department are reminded that they are not allowed to build anything without permission.
A. That includes the Biologists.
B. We know it was you.
After the Were Bear fiasco that almost sent Kavanaugh to the funny farm for good, Carson thought that the problem was gone. Unfortunately, the Biologists proved him wrong when they managed to create living replicas of Growler, Grizzler, Gums, Fang and Howler.
While the bears were very small, it turned out that they could cause a LOT of damage, and Carson found himself swamped with victims of bites, scratches and the like. After managing to crush the hysteria (after all, people logically assumed that they'd end up becoming Were Bears if they'd been bitten by one), he tracked the Biologists down.
Several death threats and a moderately violent skirmish later, and the Biologists promised not to make any more Were Bears. As for the 'prototypes' that were still in existence, the Scotsman agreed that as long as they were house-trained, they could stay. (He didn't really have the heart to put the little things down.)
Rule 739: Only Ronon is allowed to train the Were Bears.
The Satedan was very good at keeping the little creatures under control. Unfortunately, John thought he could do just as good a job and 'borrowed' Growler to test out his theory. When he came limping into the Infirmary with the bear still attached to his thigh, he realised that maybe he'd been a bit hasty.
Carson managed to remove Growler without too much damage to either of them. Rodney, meanwhile, found the incident hilarious – and Growler, much to everyone's surprise, took a liking to the physicist. Now Rodney was the proud owner of the Were Bear, while John was trying to get Ronon to finish training Fang so that he could adopt him.
Rule 740: No more snail races.
A. If your men have time for such stupid things maybe you should give them more work, John.
B. You too, Rodney.
The snails from Lantea's mainland were big – almost foot long, in fact – harmless, easy to tend, fairly fast (for a snails), and unerringly crawled towards fresh vegetables. These qualities made them the perfect participants in the newly invented Atlantis Snail Races. Said races were held in a rarely used corridor not far from the Jumper Bay. Two or more snails, a handful of carrots, and Marines and Scientists could have all the fun they wanted...if not for one small detail.
One fateful day, Radek Zelenka accidentally electrocuted himself during Jumper maintenance, and a Med Team rushed to help him. Unfortunately, they took a shortcut through the 'Snail Racecourse'... and completely lost traction on the thick layer of slippery slime left after the last competition.
As a result, not one, but four patients were carried to the Infirmary with broken limbs and various other injuries. And Carson's broken wrist made him AND Elizabeth very, very unhappy.
Rule 741: Chilli eating contests are banned on Atlantis.
A. Hot chilli peppers can be used only in kitchen by authorised personnel.
The competitiveness of the Military contingent of Atlantis just couldn't be contained. After they lost the Snail Races, the Marines found another way to express their need to do manly things. Chilli peppers from Earth and their frighteningly spicy cousins from Pegasus soon sent more of them to the Infirmary than the Wraith on the good day.
Carson quickly got tired with the allergic reactions, indigestion, stomach cramps and foul smell, and demanded an intervention from Elizabeth. Both John and Rodney enthusiastically supported her decision – the first one wanted his men back in shape, while the second lost large sum of money betting.
Rule 742: Usage of any Personal Cloaking Units in the City is strictly forbidden.
A. Honestly, John, shouldn't you know any better?
B. And if you say a word about what you saw I'll feed you to the Wraith personally.
A prototype cloaking unit from one of the Ancient labs plus an Air Force man with an ATA supergene equalled an invisible John Sheppard. Who happened to 'accidentally' wander into the women's shower room...
Carson was not impressed, and neither were the ladies.
Rule 743: Bathing suits are mandatory.
Who would have thought that Atlantis's prim and proper psychiatrist used to sunbathe on her apartment balcony in her birthday suit?
Certainly not Lt Stackhouse and his team, until one sunny day they returned from mainland in Jumper Nine. Taking a turn towards Central Tower, Stackhouse passed by said balcony, got an excellent sight of a VERY naked Dr Heightmeyer sprawled on the blanket and promptly lost all ability to form the coherent thoughts necessary for piloting Ancient crafts.
The Jumper chipped a sizeable chunk off the Central Tower wall, damaged an engine pod after cutting the lightning rod off another building and finally landed on the West Pier with all the grace of falling brick.
Kate was amused. John, Rodney and Elizabeth were furious. The now beet-red Stackhouse went into hiding. The sole victim of this incident was Sgt Estevez – she pulled a muscle laughing at her team leader and had to stay in the Infirmary for the night.
Rule 744: Blackadder is not to be referenced.
A. Or any other TV shows that the North Americans won't understand.
B. STOP IT!
It seemed that the British contingent was trying to drive the rest of the expedition mad. To begin with, Rodney was baffled, especially when his laptop kept insisting that he'd come up with 'a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel'. He was also mystified as to the origins behind the 'Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants' message that had been scrawled on Lab One's whiteboard.
It wasn't until Carson recognised the next quote that everything suddenly made sense. The Command Staff were all in the Conference Room when the wall screen suddenly blinked into life. 'This is a crisis', the screen declared in bold print. 'A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve story crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24 hour portage and an enormous sign on the roof saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'.'
The rest of the Command Staff were not amused, especially since they were in the middle of, well, a crisis. After they'd dealt with said emergency, Carson posted this rule to make sure that nobody else got any bright ideas.
Then he had to go and break up a fight involving John, Rodney, Elizabeth and some of the British Geologists.
Rule 745: Top Gear is also banned.
A. You were asking for it, people.
B. Colonel Sheppard and Doctor McKay cause enough chaos as it is.
C. They don't need any more encouragement, especially not from the likes of Clarkson, May and Hammond.
The British personnel had managed to work their way to the very top of the Command Staff's shit list. This time, they'd introduced John and Rodney to Top Gear – and the boys had been inspired.
Normally, getting someone to watch the car show wouldn't have been a traumatic experience... but then again, most people weren't an adrenaline junkie who happened to be best friends with a genius.
After watching the episode in which the guys were challenged to build aquatic cars, John and Rodney decided that they wanted to have a go. After all, they reasoned, they were living in a city that floated on top of a vast ocean. However, they never got a chance to test out their newest 'toy' – Radek had ratted them out to Carson, who had locked them in the Isolation ward, claiming it was for their own good.
Rule 746: Amphibious cars are now banned.
A. PERMANENTLY.
After Elizabeth made Carson release John and Rodney from Isolation, the boys decided to get a little payback on the good doctor and his fink, Zelenka. So, they built another amphibious car and challenged the pair to a race around the city. Stupidly, Carson and Radek agreed, believing that their friends just needed to get it out of their system.
What they didn't know, however, was that the boys had a little 'surprise' in store for them...
After a lap and a half, Beckett and Zelenka's 'boat' started making odd noises from the engine department. After three more laps, the vessel began taking on copious amounts of water. And two laps after that, it decided that it had suffered enough abuse and promptly started to sink.
When they were eventually fished out of the ocean by a very smug looking John and Rodney, they weren't overly impressed to discover that they'd have to be admitted to the Infirmary. Their bad moods weren't helped when it came to light that their boat had been built to fall apart.
Elizabeth had to get Lorne and Ronon in to break up the fight.
Rule 747: Never EVER say 'How hard can it be?' in front of Doctor Beckett.
Even after being nearly decapitated by an irate Scotsman, John and Rodney couldn't resist winding their friend up. Following on from the Top Gear-inspired insanity of amphibious cars, they had decided that their new catchphrase should be 'How hard can it be?' rather than their usual offering of 'What could possibly go wrong?'.
Unfortunately, when they tried their newest excuse, Carson went ballistic and both men had to run to avoid being the victims of Scottish wrath. As it turned out, it was actually VERY HARD INDEED to recreate the Holodeck from the Star Trek series – and that the explosion that followed was not appreciated by the rest of the expedition.
Rule 748: Don't mess with Growler.
A. Fang and the other Were Bears don't like it.
B. Milo, Fred and Angus don't like it either.
C. Rodney WILL kill you – and it WILL be slow and painful.
The Geologists decided to get back at Rodney after the Canadian let loose with a scathing diatribe after they managed to blow up part of Lab Four. They bear-napped Growler and held him to ransom, demanding that Rodney apologise publicly or the bear would 'get it'.
Strangely enough, Rodney wasn't best pleased and promptly came to his little bear's rescue, armed with John, Carson, Stackhouse, Fred, Fang, Milo and Angus. As it turned out, the original pets were rather fond of their newest arrivals and vice versa...
Two hours later, and Growler was back with Rodney, none the worse after his 'adventure'. Unfortunately, the same couldn't be said for the Geologists, who were finding it incredibly difficult to speak without screaming.
Rule 749: Crew members are reminded that they are not allowed to tamper with the door controls.
Rodney and John still weren't amused after Growler's bear-napping, and decided to teach the Geologists one more lesson. They had a word with Growler and Fang, then locked the Were Bears in Lab Four with the still-in-shock scientists... and left them in there for six hours.
It wasn't until Elizabeth threatened to resort to violence that the boys relented and agreed to open the doors. Unfortunately, the Ancient controls had had enough after repeated abuse and forced openings and went on strike. John had to get the heavy duty cutting equipment out before the Geologists were freed.
Carson wasn't impressed when he saw the state of them. On the bright side, they'd stopped screaming. On the other hand, they now weren't talking – AT ALL. Heightmeyer had a field day trying to fix them, while Elizabeth and Carson took John and Rodney aside to have a diplomatic 'discussion' with them.
Rule 750: You are not allowed to randomly lock people in the Drunk Tank.
A. Especially if they're sober.
Radek and Rodney had a fight that resulted in the Czech locking the Canadian in the city's drunk tank. Rodney was not amused – and neither was John, who had to rescue his geek. Radek, meanwhile, had gone into hiding after making Carson swear to keep said hiding place a secret.
Carson, however, had other plans and promptly pointed out the engineer's lair to the boys. He then raked in an absolute fortune on a betting ring that had mysteriously opened concerning the method of payback that would be inflicted on Radek.
Amazingly, the Czech was unharmed after everything. The only casualty was Carson, who was in his own Infirmary suffering from a mild concussion. As it turned out,
Elizabeth got wind of his little 'scheme' and had made him aware of her displeasure.
The woman really did have a mean right hook.
WERE BEARS! I LOVE Were Bears! I used to have one when I was a wee lass, but the years were not kind to poor little Howler. *sniffles* So there you go – yet another of Flossy's obsessions unveiled to the world. O.o
Okay, I REALLY need some more prompts/ideas/rules, people! (And possibly some psychiatric help, but that's a whole 'nother story...) *pouts pitifully and makes pathetic whining noises*
If you want to see more, help me out. Please? Oh, and reviews are GOOD. (Especially when I'm nearing the 200 mark!) ;D
