Yay! I'm back after an epic struggle with RL that resulted in bloodshed, abuse and some rather bad language (that'll learn you, RL! Mwahahahahaaa...) Anyway, since I'm back, that can only mean yet more madness from the Pegasus gang!
Credits and unending love and praise go to the following wonderful (and possibly slightly deranged) peoples:
Silfrvarg gave me Rules 874 to 876.
anotamous wanted to see Rules 853, 860 and 861.
T-man626 inspired for Rules 851 and 852.
albert12 provided Rule 844.
Dautr abr du Sundavar gave me the prompt for Rules 845 and 846 - see, I told you I could make a Rule out of a random word/object! (Teh Blue Sparklies of DOOM! Lol.)
Jen-NCIS-Lover gave me the prompts for Rules 854 to 856.
moonagedaydreaming asked for Rules 858 and 859.
PS, Shadows – I'm gonna use our joint effort as the opener for the next chapter. I wanna just tweak it a little bit first...
Right then. I wonder what the boys have been up to lately...
"Hey, Rodney."
McKay looked up from his laptop to see Sheppard hovering with intent at the doorway to the lab. Biting back a sigh, he folded his arms across his chest defensively and rolled his eyes heavenwards. "No."
John was caught off-guard by the evasive manoeuvres. "Wh- Huh?"
"I'm not buying whatever it is you're selling, Sheppard," Rodney said.
"But I..."
"I said no. I'm a busy man."
"Whoa, there, Mr Grumpy Pants..."
"YOU try acting like a ray of sunshine and rainbows when you've had exactly fifty-nine minutes sleep over the last three days thanks to the incompetence of your staff."
John winced. "That's disturbing," he said, taking note of how tired his friend looked. "And also not so good for your health."
"Really? Gee, ma, I'd never have guessed..."
"There's no need for sarcasm, McKay. I was just expressing my concern for your well-being."
Rodney snorted a laugh. "Others might find that touching, Colonel, but they don't know you as well as I do. What do you want?"
"Wow, McKay, suspicious much? Who says I want anything? Can't a guy just hang out with his buddy for a while?" John gave Rodney a wide grin, unaware that the Canadian had learnt how to interpret the pilot's various looks. The one he was wearing at the moment was what Rodney liked to call John's 'butter wouldn't melt' grin.
"Normally, yes," he replied, "but like I said, I know you."
John let out a weary sigh, knowing that his plan had been well and truly rumbled.
"C'mon, Sheppard, 'fess up. You'll feel better once you've gotten it out of your system."
John growled under his breath, shaking his head. "Okay, okay," he said after a moment. "You remember last week when you said you'd..."
"No."
"No, you don't remember? Well, it was Thursday, I think, and we were..."
This time, it was McKay who growled – and not in a nice way. "I mean no as in 'no, I'm not doing it'."
"Rod-neeey..." If in doubt, John reasoned, resort to whining.
"No!"
"Aw, c'mon, buddy! Please?" Then throw in some wheedling just for kicks...
"Dammit, Sheppard, what part of 'no' don't you understand?"
"Pretty please? Pretty please with Ancient gizmos and blue jello on top?" And if that failed, bribery was a pretty solid backup plan.
"NO!"
Or not.
John thought for a moment before deciding that it was time to bring out the big guns. "But you PROMISED!" he wailed, pointing an accusatory finger in the Canadian's direction.
Rodney let out a sigh, hiding his face in his hands.
"You did!" John continued, trying his hardest not to crack up entirely. "You PROMISED me! Best friends don't break promises!"
Rodney couldn't take it anymore. "Oh my God, you really are twelve years old, aren't you? Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound at the moment? And you can pack that in right now!"
John looked up with a contrite expression. "I wasn't doing anything," he declared petulantly.
"You were pouting. Grown men do not pout!"
"I was not!" the Colonel protested vehemently. "I was simply giving you my 'I'm not happy' look."
"You. Were. Pouting. And don't even start with the puppy dog eyes! I'm not one of your space bimbos, Captain Kirk!"
"That was below the belt, buddy."
"You were asking for it."
John tilted his head to the side and started rolling up his sleeves, a dangerous look playing across his boyish face.
"Okay, maybe that was a tad harsh," Rodney said, backpedalling mentally in an effort not to get a thumping.
"Glad you think so, McKay," John agreed amicably. "And anyways, we're getting off topic here. You promised me you were gonna help."
"You coerced me! That's not the same thing!"
"I did nothing of the sort. You need to see Beckett, pal. I think you're imagining things."
"There's nothing wrong with my head, idiot! And could you please explain to me how you getting Ronon to hang me upside down off of the pier until I said 'yes' is not coercion?"
"Hey, I'm not Chewie's keeper! I can't help it if he still takes things literally. But that's not the point. You said yes, therefore you're doing this."
"I am NOT, and you can't make me."
John gave his geek a truly evil grin. "Oh no?" he asked innocently. "How's about I tell Nurse Bella that you were the one who called her a pit-bull?"
Rodney blanched. "You wouldn't dare!"
"Watch me."
"You... You can't do THAT!" the scientist shrieked. "She'll skin me alive! And then Conan will use what's left for target practice!"
"Then help me move my stuff!"
"What am I, your personal packhorse?"
"Well, now that you come to mention it, I think you're probably more of an ass..."
"HEY!"
"Er... I mean, donkey... Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I'm just remembering the look on your face, Colonel, and trying to picture how it's gonna look when you have no hot water for the next month."
"McKay!"
"Genius, remember?"
"Team leader! That's gotta trump scientist!"
"Does not!"
"Does too!"
"Does NOT!"
"Does too, brains!"
"God, you're so INFURIATING!"
John grinned. "And all this time, I thought you just loved me for my dashing good looks and natural charm."
"Funny, Hotshot, really funny."
"So, are you gonna help?"
Rodney sniffed disdainfully. "What's in it for me?"
"How's about a sense of inner peace coupled with warm fuzzies 'cos you helped your best friend move rooms?"
"Hmm... No."
"You're hard to please, aren't you?"
"I'm just naturally cautious is all."
"More like picky."
"Do you want my help or not?"
"Yeah..."
"Then tell me what's in it for me."
"What about a year's supply of blue Jello?"
"Tempting, but I'll have to pass."
"Uh... Okay, what about my stash of popcorn?"
"We ate that last night."
John frowned, running a hand through his unruly locks. "Damn... Ha! I know!" he cried triumphantly, snapping his fingers. "I'll let you have half my crate of beer and the pick of movie at Team Night for the next two weeks!"
"Well..."
"C'mon, Rodney, just take the deal! You know it's a good one."
McKay thought for several tense minutes before reluctantly nodding. "Yeah, okay, I'll do it."
"Seriously?" John asked, wide eyed.
"Seriously. But if you make me put my back out, I'll make your life a living hell," the scientist cautioned, holding up a warning finger. "No hot water, random alarms, fire suppression systems going haywire when you least expect it..."
John held up his hands to cut in. "Look, I promise I'll carry all the heavy stuff, alright? And who knows? Maybe you'll enjoy it."
Knowing he'd lost his 'get out of jail free' card, Rodney resigned himself to an afternoon of unpleasant physical exertion. "I find that highly doubtful, Colonel..."
"Hey there, buddy..."
"Oh no," Rodney said sharply from his infirmary cot. "Don't you give me that 'buddy' talk, Sheppard!"
John grimaced, placing the bar of chocolate he'd brought as a peace offering on the table next to his friend's bed. "Look, I've already said I was sorry..."
"Too bad!" Rodney snapped, wincing as it pulled muscles that felt like they'd been mowed down by a weed-whacker. "Need I remind you that this is all your fault?"
"I know that!" John replied hotly. "I'm trying to apologise! AGAIN!"
"It isn't gonna work, pal. Thanks to you and all your crap you call personal belongings, I'll be stuck in here for the next week and a half!"
The Air Force man tried a different approach. "You're exaggerating. The doc said it wasn't as bad as all that..."
"Like hell he did!" the physicist fumed. "He said, and I quote 'It's a bloody miracle you didn't break your neck'!"
"You know, Rodney, your Scottish accent is pretty good..."
"Thank you. And don't change the subject. You owe me for this..."
Rule 841: All crew members are reminded that care should be taken when moving heavy boxes etc.
A. If anyone needs any further explanation, Dr McKay will gladly clarify the physics behind it for you.
Apparently, Rodney was still more than a bit pissed with John over the room move incident, judging from the colossal screaming match coming from the Infirmary. Carson, meanwhile, was wondering what would happen if he just locked the pair of them in the Isolation ward and let them settle things the old-fashioned way.
Rule 842: Do not 'modify' hair products.
B. I know you're still a wee bit upset, Rodney, but you've made your point.
C. Please stop it.
Once he was released from the Infirmary, Rodney set about taking his revenge on John. Being more than a little bit devious (and a genius to boot), he soon set it in motion. He made a special bottle of hair gel for John and presented it to him one afternoon, claiming that it was to apologise for being a jerk. John, being obsessed with all things hair-related, was overjoyed at the unexpected 'gift' and immediately found a mirror to try it out.
Little did the Air Force man know that the gel was spiked with superglue. Much to John's horror, he found his hands stuck to his precious hair...
Carson threatened to whack the man with a bedpan if he didn't grow up and let the medics cut him loose. Eventually, John relented, but didn't stop wailing the entire time. Rodney, meanwhile, just watched with evil glee.
Rule 843: Personnel are not allowed to hack secure files.
A. This includes the medical files, people.
B. Need I remind you that it's morally depraved?
C. And it happens to be ILLEGAL.
After an illicit poker game went south, Lorne got Radek to hack into Parrish's medical records to see if there was anything in there that could be used as potential blackmail material. (Tim was scarily good at poker and had wiped the floor with Evan.)
Radek readily agreed, and soon the pair of them were trailing through the file, trying to find a weak spot. They discovered that Parrish was mildly allergic to honey (it brought him out in hives) and thus armed with his new-found knowledge, Evan snuck off to the Mess Hall.
Three hours later, Tim was rushed into the Infirmary suffering from a severe allergic reaction by a panic-stricken Lorne. As it turned out, the honey that Evan had spiked his geek's tea with was not the normal Earth honey that the cooks normally used, but a Pegasus variety – hence the more extreme reaction.
Carson was furious. John yelled at Lorne for three hours for being a sore loser. Then he turned him over to Rodney, who had a few choice words to say about the soldier's mistreatment of his geek.
Radek, meanwhile, wiped all the evidence from his laptop and quietly went into hiding.
Rule 844: If you are issued an M-203, do not tamper with the ammunition.
A. I have enough to do as it is without any further stupidity.
John had been temporarily issued with an M-16 along with the M-203 grenade launcher when SGA-1 were sent to P9X-351. (All the P-90's were undergoing maintenance.) John, being John (and therefore a reckless, slightly insane pilot), decided to see what would happen if he modified the rounds for increased power... by removing the anti-recoil system.
The resulting kickback knocked him through two walls, past some very startled natives and into a lake. Carson nearly throttled him when he saw the state of his friend.
Rule 845: If you find something that is blue and sparkly, for the love of all things holy, LEAVE IT ALONE.
A. Seriously.
B. Things like that will come back to bite you on your arse.
SGA-2 had returned from a recent off-world mission with what appeared to be blue gemstones. Apparently, M7G-817 was literally overflowing with them, and Dr Singh brought back samples to see if they could be of any use to the expedition. Unfortunately, what he didn't know was that the 'blue sparklies' (as the other crew members christened them) were actually capable of making humans act rather aggressively...
After several members were affected, John sent his Marines in to try and break up the resulting fights. However, the aggression was passed on by touch and soon the only people not infected were Carson, Rodney, John, Parrish and Lorne, along with the pets. So, they hatched a daring plan to knock out the rest of the base by sending sleeping gas through the ventilation system. It worked and soon enough, Carson had been able to reverse engineer an antidote. Once everyone was back to normal, the blue sparklies were jettisoned into deep space.
Rule 846: Pizzas were designed to be EATEN.
The Marines got bored. They tried out 'pizza Frisbee'. Now they were all in the Infirmary, Carson was growling again, and John had yelled himself hoarse at all of them. Rodney was too shocked to join in – he was still in mourning for the pizzas that had valiantly given their lives in the game.
Rule 847: Your metabolism can not miraculously improve overnight.
After SGA-1 returned from an off-world mission, Carson was concerned that Rodney looked a bit under the weather. The physicist simply shrugged and explained that he'd slipped and fallen into a lake before starting on a rant about the lack of clean water on P7X-262. Carson gave the team the all clear and let them go about their duties as normal.
Over the next week, he kept a close eye on Rodney, though. There was something troubling the Scotsman, but he was damned if he could put his finger on it. McKay was eating properly, sleeping, and being extra careful in the lab. It looked as though he was losing weight, but Carson put that down to the sparring sessions that his team-mates made him go on.
The mystery was soon revealed when, three weeks after the mission to P7X-262, Rodney was carried into the Infirmary by Ronon, who explained that the Canadian had simply folded up outside the lab. After a more thorough examination, it turned out that Rodney was the unwilling host to a parasite in his lower intestines – hence the rapid weight loss. Thankfully, Beckett was able to remove it without any permanent damage – and had some rather choice words to say to his friend when he recovered from the anaesthetic.
Apparently, Rodney had simply assumed that his metabolism had just kicked up into a higher gear.
Rule 848: Stop fighting over Jar-Jar bloody Binks!
It was official – there were two factions on Atlantis, the first of which loved the CGI monstrosity from 'The Phantom Menace'. It included several civilians, a few soldiers, Radek, Laura, Lorne and Elizabeth amongst its ranks. The other side loathed Jar-Jar with a fervour that was frightening to behold. Unsurprisingly, this side contained John, Rodney, most of the SGA teams, Parrish, Kavanaugh (of all people) and the Wear Bears.
It wasn't until the two sides got into the mother of all fights that Carson got angry. Half the expedition was now in the Infirmary and the pets that hadn't taken sides were being called in to break up the ongoing clashes. It was only when the Scotsman threatened to chuck the DVD player in the ocean that everyone came to their senses.
Rule 849: Personnel are reminded that they are not to mess around with whatever Ancient gizmo they happen to find.
A. And by that, I mean Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay.
John, Rodney, an Ancient device that was capable of turning a human into seven foot dragon capable of breathing fire hot enough to melt through absolutely anything, and a very irate Scotsman did not mix well. Carson reversed the effects and confiscated the device, much to the boys' dismay – they'd rather enjoyed being dragons.
Rule 850: Flu jabs are not 'optional'.
A. It's for your own good, so stop complaining.
The Pegasus Galaxy's version of influenza was rather more virulent than the Earth based one, and had a scarily high death rate. To avoid any fatalities, Carson insisted that everyone be vaccinated – whether they liked it or not. Unfortunately, some of the crew members weren't too thrilled with the idea of playing pincushion and decided to skip the sessions.
Carson hunted them down ruthlessly and eventually, after arguments, tantrums (and even tears in one case), everyone was inoculated. John, meanwhile, was complaining loudly to anyone that was present that Carson had broken the Hippocratic Oath at least seven different ways in giving the pilot his shot.
Rule 851: Dr Weir is not allowed to section crew members.
A. I know they were annoying you, pet, but that's not very diplomatic.
B. It's also not so good for everyone else's morale.
Elizabeth had finally had enough of John and Rodney's antics and sectioned them. Technically, all that meant was that she had them locked in their quarters for two days while she had a chance to cool off, but Carson went and had a couple of words. Apparently, he'd been on the receiving end of several prank radio calls, two random shower 'glitches', power outages in his quarters (such as lights turning off unexpectedly etc) and for some bizarre reason, the Infirmary's tannoy system was playing nothing but elevator music.
Elizabeth soon relented and reversed her earlier decision, much to the Scotsman's relief. As it turned out, John and Rodney were devious buggers when they wanted to be, and had somehow convinced Atlantis to make Carson's life hell until he resolved the problem.
What they hadn't bargained on, of course, was that Beckett was more than capable of getting his own back, when they least expected it.
Stealth, thy name is Beckett...
Rule 852: We are not living in Narnia.
A. Or Middle Earth.
B. Or in one of the Harry Potter books.
C. Mythological creatures DO NOT EXIST!
SGA-7 found a planet that had actual, living sphinxes. Or at least, that's what they looked like. According to Teyla and Ronon, the creatures were in fact the Pegasus version of Jackalopes. However, even that information didn't stop SGA-7 from becoming the adopted parents of a baby that followed them back through the Gate and refused to be parted from them.
Elizabeth and Carson contemplated locking themselves in Beckett's happy place and drinking themselves into oblivion. Especially since Malachi (as the team christened their new mascot) could fly...
Rule 853: The mind control device on P3F-117 is NOT to be used for revenge.
A. Using it on those that control our budget (and salaries), however, is perfectly acceptable.
B. As long as you SHARE.
SGA-9 found a mind control device and smuggled it back to the city, where they proceeded to get payback on SGA-5 after a 'friendly' game of basketball had turned ugly. Soon, SGA-5 were behaving very oddly indeed and the Command Staff smelt a rat...
SGA-9 were on housekeeping for a year, SGA-5 were hiding in the Infirmary and refusing to come out, while John and Rodney were already planning how to use the device on certain members of the SGC back on Earth.
Rule 854: No more campfires!
A. EVER!
SGA-12, a huge campfire that they'd built for 'team-bonding' on the North Pier and mass hysteria. Enough said.
Rule 855: Whittling competitions are banned.
Whittling was the newest craze to hit the city. Basically, it was where you took a piece of wood and used a knife to carve it into something else. Ronon was an expert at it, and even Rodney showed a surprising level of skill. Some of the other members, however, were not so adept, especially as most of them tried to whittle towards themselves at a rather fast pace...
Thankfully, nobody lost any appendages, but Carson promptly banned the activity after he saw the state of Lorne's hands. He was also fed up with removing splinters from John, and Radek had almost blinded himself.
Rule 856: No hovercrafts.
John, Rodney and a new invention meant Trouble with a capital 'T'. The Air Force man had persuaded his geek to build him a hovercraft, and Rodney had done just that. Unfortunately, while the vehicle was perfectly safe, Rodney hadn't taken into account the fact that his best friend was actually a nut-job masquerading as a sane person...
Carson was one step away from shooting the pair of them when John limped into the Infirmary with a broken leg aided by a very panicky Rodney.
Rule 857: No Pirate ships either, John!
Having gotten bored with being stuck in the Infirmary, John decided to convert his bed into a pirate ship. No one was really sure where he'd managed to get a Jolly Roger flag from, or (for that matter) a wooden sword and eye patch, but Carson was not amused. Especially when John declared half of the Infirmary to be 'pirate booty' and therefore his...
Rule 858: Do not make action figures of SGA-1.
A. They might pretend to be insulted, but it's just making them cocky.
B. And besides, John and Rodney's egos really don't need any more encouragement.
Some of the expedition had made action figures of SGA-1, that were actually rather good. While Carson admitted that the likenesses were uncanny, he made those responsible hand them over – apparently, the toys were giving Atlantis' premiere away team some strange ideas.
Rule 859: Do not use the clone machine.
A. That includes using it so that your copies go to the Infirmary instead of you, John.
B. And no, Rodney, you can't clone yourself and get them to do your paperwork!
After the boys decided to clone themselves, all hell broke loose. After sanity was eventually restored, Carson got Elizabeth to lock the clone machine in the vaults before teaching the boys a lesson they'd never forget.
John and Rodney promptly went into hiding.
Rule 860: Do not give Hermiod sugar.
A. Or alcohol.
B. And what the hell gave you the idea that BOTH TOGETHER were a good idea?
C. From now on it's banned.
SGA-3 decided that they wanted to know what happened when Hermiod got a massive sugar high, so they spiked all his food. After spending two hours watching the Asgard talking at a speed that not even Rodney could trump, they decided to add some alcohol into the mix...
Now all of the team were in the Infirmary suffering from beaming bends, Caldwell was trying to keep Hermiod away from the controls in engineering, and Carson was on the warpath.
Rule 861: Also, none of the Atlantis personnel are allowed to consume alcohol and sugar at the same time.
A. And I thought that an ASGARD was bad enough...
Some people never learned. No sooner than they had been released, SGA-3 decided to take their experiment to the next level by repeating it with the Military and the Scientists. Bloodshed, carnage and more drunken renditions of 'Annie Get Your Gun' than anyone thought was possible, and Carson nearly cracked completely.
SGA-3, meanwhile, went and hid on the mainland until the Scotsman had stopped twitching.
Rule 862: Angus and Bexley are to be supervised.
A. They're a bad influence on each other.
Everyone was surprised when the sea serpent and SGA-1's miniature tiger formed a friendship, but their amazement soon turned to panic when Angus persuaded Bexley to try and eat Kavanaugh. Apparently, the little white tiger hadn't forgotten the Chemist in a hurry... Thankfully, Teyla managed to stop Bexley before the long-haired git was caused any lasting damage. John and Rodney meanwhile, took Angus to the mess and let him have the pick of whatever he wanted.
Carson left Dr Morrison to deal with Kavanaugh and went off in search of chocolate brownies.
Rule 863: Malachi is only allowed to fly OUTSIDE.
SGA-7's pet was gleefully causing chaos. The little Sphinx had found a new game with which to occupy himself – swooping out on unsuspecting expedition members. After several people were admitted to Carson and a variety of damages to Atlantis occurred, the Scotsman made SGA-7 take Malachi outside whenever he got the urge to stretch his wings.
Rule 864: Gums now belongs to the Infirmary Staff.
A. Don't mess with them.
Gums was fond of Carson, especially since the Scotsman had given the little bear a set of fully functioning teeth. The rest of the Infirmary Staff were taken with Gums, and so he became their unofficial mascot.
It turned out that the Were Bear was incredibly persuasive – especially when it was time for the mandatory booster shots...
Rule 865: DO NOT TEASE THE OWNERS OF WERE BEARS ABOUT BEING 'GROWN MEN WITH TEDDIES'.
A. It won't end well.
John, Rodney, Ronon, Carson and Chuck were not amused when the rest of the expedition started teasing them about the fact that they were grown men who had teddy bears. Fang, Growler, Howler, Gums and Grizzler were also less than impressed, especially since their respective owners were being mocked.
What followed was violent and incredibly bloody – so much so that Elizabeth made Radek delete all the video footage and seal all the paperwork in one of the vaults.
Rule 866: The newbies are reminded that they are not allowed to hit on Teyla.
A. She's already taken.
B. Dr Parrish can be very violent when the occasion calls for it...
One of the newbies had a crush on Teyla, not realising that she was going out with Tim Parrish, and decided to hit on her. Unfortunately for the newbie, SGA-3's resident botanist was sat not two foot away...
It took Lorne and John's combined strength to pry Tim off of the unfortunate man, and Carson simply shook his head when he was called to treat the newbie. He posted this rule to prevent any repeats.
Teyla meanwhile, simply smiled at Tim and dragged him off to the mainland for a week's 'holiday'.
Rule 867: Do not refer to SGA-1 and Carson as the 'Scooby Gang'.
A. It won't end well.
B. Fred looks nothing like a Great Dane.
SGA-8 had a death wish. They decided that John, Ronon, Teyla, Rodney and Carson were similar to the Scooby gang and that Fred was Scooby Doo. The group were not amused, the rest of the expedition stayed well and truly out of it, and SGA-8 found themselves in the Infirmary with a very dangerous looking Fred.
Rule 868: Matches and/or lighters are not to be used in the vicinity of deodorant sprays.
A. It's dangerous.
B. I don't CARE if the flames look cool, you'll do yourself a mischief.
The Marines were going to end up using nothing but plastic spoons if they kept it up. This time, they'd made their very own handheld flame throwers out of deodorant sprays and a lighter. After three of them were admitted to Carson with severe burns, he put his foot down.
Rule 869: Dr McKay is NOT a Time Lord.
A. And Colonel Sheppard is not his 'plucky companion'.
B. STOP IT!
Nobody was sure who had started this particular trend off, but John and Rodney were less than impressed. Neither was Carson when he had to treat several people, who claimed that 'the Doctor and his plucky companion' had set upon them with Bantos rods.
Rule 870: From now on, Rock concerts are not to be held in the city.
A. If you want to make a racket, go somewhere else.
The Music club was on everyone's official hit list after their 'rock concert' ended up with three quarters of the expedition being admitted to the Infirmary with ear related injuries. Carson was on the verge of hunting the culprits down and killing them slowly.
Rule 871: Personnel are reminded that they are NOT Crime Scene Investigators.
A. I've already told you lot that we don't live in a TV show!
The CSI craze was sweeping through Atlantis like wildfire, with even the more sensible expedition members joining in. After his Infirmary stores were ransacked, Carson was not happy. He was even less impressed when people starting appearing with injuries that were remarkably similar to ones off of the popular TV shows. When other crew members turned up with 'lab kits' and cameras, he put two and two together and went postal.
Rule 872: No more séances!
SGA-10 decided to hold a séance... and were all admitted to the Infirmary not long after. Apparently, they'd held their séance in one of the old labs down in the bowels of the city, which was actually a hologram room. They'd nearly had heart attacks when an Ancient appeared in front of them.
Rule 873: STOP QUOTING SHERLOCK HOLMES!
The new Sherlock Holmes film (and then by default, the original novels) was incredibly popular with the base – who had started to quote it whenever they could. At first, Carson didn't object – after all, he reasoned, no one was actually causing themselves any injuries just by talking.
Unfortunately, John and Rodney decided that Beckett made a very good Watson and after hearing 'Elementary, my dear Watson,' more times than he could count, Carson snapped. Now both the boys were sulking (and limping) while the good doctor was smiling.
Rule 874: There will be no more sports-related discussions.
A friendly discussion over which type of football was the best had devolved into a base wide war when Sgt Amey, originally from Australia, had declared that the only sport played by real men was AFL. Considering most of the expedition had never even heard of AFL, much less played it, they took offence.
The Australian members of the expedition rallied behind the sergeant, more out of principle than out of any interest in the sport, and every sports enthusiast from every other country had leaped into the fray against them.
Carson just smiled, and announced that he was taking a day off before the casualties started rolling in.
Rule 875: Pets are not to become involved in disputes.
In the Australia vs. Sports enthusiasts War, the pets had become involved. Carson's day off had been interrupted, not because he had to patch up any Australian members of the expedition, but because he had to coax a sulking Fred out from under his bed.
The poor giant wolf was suffering from self esteem issues after hunting down a few Australian Biotechnologists only to be laughed at. Apparently when you live in a country where everything is poisonous enough to either kill you or cause you excruciating pain, even the cute things, giant wolves didn't faze you.
Carson had a long talk to the Australians, who looked suitably chastised and walked with a noticeable stiffness.
Rule 876: No one is allowed to laugh at Fred.
A. It's for your own protection, people.
Apparently some of the Marines, inspired by the Australians, had started laughing at Fred whenever he walked into a room. The wolf had taken exception to this, and decided to show the Marines why only the Australians were insane enough to laugh at him.
Eventually it took a concerted effort from the Were Bears and Angus to calm the wolf down enough for Carson to treat the wolf's new chew toys.
Rule 877: Do not play with the Ancient Stasis Pods.
A game of hide and seek went south when Lorne got trapped in a stasis pod for three days. Apparently, he'd thought that it was an ideal hiding place – and unfortunately, he was proved correct. Especially since the pod activated...
Rodney managed to get him out, none the worse after his ordeal, and promptly laid into him. John and Carson just stood to the side and watched.
Rule 878: UAV's are not to be used for entertainment purposes.
The Marines were in trouble yet again. This time, they'd decided that the UAV's would make excellent remote controlled planes. John went apocalyptic, Rodney nearly had a stroke and Carson strapped the Marines down and called in Heightmeyer.
Rule 879: Body bags are not your personal playthings.
A. LEAVE THEM ALONE!
The Marines really needed to learn when to quit. This time, not long after being given the all-clear by Atlantis' resident shrink, they decided that the body bags that Dr Biro and her team kept made perfect new toys. Nobody was really sure what they actually did with them, but when Carson found out, they came awfully close to filling them.
Rule 880: Personnel are not allowed access to the Armoury if they have imbibed copious amounts of caffeine.
A. We don't want any more bloodshed, do we, children?
B. Hmmm?
The Science Department's dependency on coffee had reached terrifying new heights. After drinking enough caffeine to give a small elephant a heart attack, a group of them decided to wage war on the Military. Unfortunately for the rest of the city, they happened to be the people who could unlock absolutely ANYTHING – including the doors to the armoury.
After the weapons were eventually removed from the now insanely hyperactive geeks, John and Carson went and had a few words with Rodney – as it turned out, his caffeine addiction had spread through most of his teams. Rodney, meanwhile, grabbed his stash of chocolate covered coffee beans and fled...
Yeah, I know – if we're going to be strict about timelines and all, the Atlantis gang wouldn't have seen the new Sherlock Holmes movie (which is AWESOME, BTW, so GO AND WATCH IT!), but little matters like that have never stopped me before.
Hope you liked that instalment – more soon!
Oh, and my muses are starting to waver slightly, so any and all prompts are appreciated. Even if it's just a word...
