Aha! Tis I, Flossy, otherwise known as the bringer of Atlantis insanity! Did y'all miss me? Yep, you know the drill, credits first to the following wonderful people:

Saphreanna Grea who asked for Rule 936, Wannabe Starscream (hello and welcome to the madness!) wanted to see Rules 937 and 938, and River's Dream, who requested Rules 939 to 943.

Sidewinder was responsible for the prompts that led to Rules 927 to 929, moonagedaydreaming asked for Rules 931 to 933 and Jen-NCIS-Lover gave me the prompt for Rule 934.

anotamous asked for Rule 923, T-man626 wanted Rule 924, MP116 was responsible for the idea behind Rules 945 and 946, while Dautr abr du Sundavar wanted Rule 925.

Scotius gave me the opening skit (you are genius incarnate!) while Shadows-of-Realm went above and beyond the call of duty. Not only did he give me the prompts for Rules 926, 930, 935 and Rule 948 to 960, but he also beta'd this chapter, seeing as Moony is somewhere in the Caribbean sunning herself. Dude, you are da bomb! Much virtual!love'n'cookies are coming your way!

Anyways, enough rubbish from me. Onwards down the rabbit hole, children...

"Hey, Doc."

Nothing.

"Dr. Burns?"

Still no reaction.

"Doctor!"

This time, the anthropologist gave an impatient hand wave...without turning away from the hieroglyph-covered wall.

Goddamnit, no wonder DeSoto cracked over this asshole, Stackhouse thought tiredly, running a hand through his hair.

"Ya know, we could just stun him and drag his ass to Gate," drawled Corporal Jenkins from behind his team leader.

Stackhouse just snorted. "Are you volunteering for that task, Charlie?"

The tall, broad-shouldered Marine visibly shrank. "Hell no!" he exclaimed vehemently. "Sir," he added as an afterthought. "But we're gonna be really late for our check-in if he doesn't move."

This time the pilot could only sigh. "All right, time to earn my officer's pay," he grumbled. "Though I have to admit, Charlie, if I'd known it'd be like this, I wouldn't have let the Colonel slap me with a promotion."

The Marine smirked at his CO and friend. "Are you stalling, Richie boy?"

"You bet I am," the Lieutenant chortled, shaking his head ruefully. At the same time he had to wonder what the members of any other Atlantis... hell, the SGC as a whole... team would think about their exchange. Such familiarity and casualness between an officer and an NCO would undoubtedly raise many eyebrows - but SGA-2 was a very unusual team even for Atlantis standards, save for SGA-1. Exploration and survey missions that could stretch out for weeks or more, and with little contact or support from the rest of the expedition forged a flyboy, two die-hard jarheads and a classic geek into a close knitted family that had little use of military protocol.

Just as he was opening his mouth to bellow at the recalcitrant scientist, the Lieutenant's radio cracked to life.

"Richard, what is going on back there?" Singh's accented voice was unmistakable... and annoyed.

"Nothing... literally. Burns stuck his nose into a bunch of paintings and won't move," replied Stackhouse, glaring daggers at Burns' back.

"Does he know that with our reputation, Atlantis will send a whole strike force after us in forty minutes?"

Richard shuddered at memory of his team's latest SNAFU. A sudden rainstorm had caught them on the way to Gate, and with their backpacks already heavy with mineral samples, he wasn't willing to risk his friends' health and limbs on a rocky, wet trail. A shallow cave spotted by Singh near the path to the Gate provided them with a dry place to rest. Unfortunately, while they were getting comfortable in their makeshift camp, Atlantis vainly awaited for SGA-2's scheduled return. Expecting her most accident-prone team (aside from Sheppard's own) to be neck deep in trouble, Elizabeth Weir gave up to paranoia and sent two Jumpers filled with Marines on a search and rescue mission. It was downright awkward and embarrassing when the 'rescue' party descended on the 'cosily-wrapped-in-blankets' explorers. Sure, it gave the three military members of SGA-2 an opportunity to tease Major Lorne and his men about being mother hens and worry-warts - but on the other hand, it stung Richard's ego that the Command Staff automatically expected the worst when his team was involved.

"I'm afraid not, Rajit," he replied, "but don't worry. We'll be on our way in five minutes. Even if I have to hog-tie him."

"Lieutenant, wait!" The geologist's raised voice stopped the young officer in his tracks. "Sheppard made you responsible for that slowpoke's well-being, but as a civilian I can push my fellow geek around as much as I want."

The Lieutenant's and Corporal's eyes met, and the two soldiers exchanged gleeful grins.

"How soon can you be here Rajj?" asked Stackhouse.

"How's about now?" came reply, this time not on the radio, as Singh and Staff Sergeant Flora Estevez came from behind the remains of a ruined house.

"That was fast guys." Charlie Jenkins respectfully raised his eyebrows at his teammates.

"Not really," Flora replied, shooting an annoyed glare in Burns' direction. "We knew this guy would be trouble. When we couldn't see you behind us, we guessed he was slowing you down."

"Okay, as fun as bitching at Burns is, we really need to move," interrupted Stackhouse. He cast a glance at Singh. "Doctor. If you'll be so kind."

The Indian geologist smirked, gave his team leader a mock salute and purposefully strode towards the anthropologist, who was busily scribbling in his notepad. But Doctor Arthur Burns was not going to give up his reputation as the military contingent's bane easily. When Singh was five steps behind him, the anthropologist suddenly straightened, spun around and speared his approaching colleague with a cold glare.

"I've finished here, Doctor. And the sooner we go back to Atlantis, the better," he said coolly. Then the scientist switched his venomous look to the trio of dumbfounded soldiers. "So, if you could be so kind to gather your baby-faced pilot and his grunts, I'd be glad to return to Stargate." With this final shot, the balding man pushed his way between Jenkins and Estevez and, leaving all his gear behind, stomped off in the direction of the Gate.

Flora pulled her slack jaw closed and looked back at her friends. "Is he for real?" she asked. That was all she could say.

"Apparently," growled Singh, reflexively balling his fists.

"Man, its gonna be loooong two months," groaned Jenkins. Suddenly, his face lit up with a manic grin. "Hey boss, maybe if we promise to be really good Sheppard will cut down our sentence?" he suggested excitedly. Getting no response, he frowned. "Rich? You with us?"

Stackhouse blinked, once, then twice. "Baby-faced?" he finally said, looking at his friends.

Singh just shrugged and, muttering something nasty about his fellow geek in Hindi, went to gather the abandoned equipment. Charlie and Flora weren't so merciful though. "Weellll," Jenkins drawled, looking critically at his CO. "Ya kinda are. Being youngest of the pack and whatnot."

The Lieutenant bristled at that. "I'm over thirty, and all of two years younger than you, 'Hayseed'!"

Flora moved in for the kill. "But Ricardo, querido, it's a big part of your charm, muchacho." She lovingly pinched the already red cheeks of the man she considered her younger brother. "Believe me, I heard plenty from the other girls at Poker Night. If you don't believe me, then ask Doctor Heightmeyer - she talks about you a lot."

"Wha...WHAT?" spluttered Stackhouse, his eyes widening in horror.

Flora erupted in peals of laughter and went after the still grumbling Singh, towards the hill on which the Gate stood.

Jenkins shook his head and slapped the younger man on the back. "Richie, lemme tell ya this kiddo. You are such an easy target that I'm ashamed of you."

Stackhouse could only hang his head down at that. "She'll never let me live this down, will she?"

"Probably not," agreed the Marine. "She's a woman after all. Them are vicious things, m'man."

"Yeah. Okay, let's go home before we get 'rescued' again." With bitter frown, the pilot lifted his backpack and one of the equipment cases, and followed his friends' trail.

"Yup, let's go," Charlie agreed, grabbing what was left behind. "And ya know what? I'll buy ya root beer home-side."

"Asshole."

"Gosh, such language! And from officer and gentleman no less. Doc Kate, being the fine lady she is, would be shocked!"

"Shut up, you!"

Rule 920: SGA-2 are not allowed to hit civilians.

A. And yes, Dr Singh, I am fully aware that you are technically classed as a civilian.

B. But that's not an excuse!

C. And besides, you've had combat training...

SGA-2 and Dr Burns were not the best of friends. Things had reached a point, about halfway into their 'sentence' where civility had gone out of the window, and the team were resorting to threats of violence just to get the man to walk down the stairs. Unfortunately, Dr Singh had just about reached his breaking point, and when Burns decided to berate the geologist, Rajit snapped.

Carson was shocked when Estevez and Jenkins had to carry the now well and truly unconscious Dr Burns into the Infirmary. His shock soon gave way to suspicion when he noticed that Singh and Stackhouse were trying desperately hard not to laugh.

And when he found out what had happened to the team's newest recruit, he wasn't amused at all. Neither was John – nor SGA-2, who found that they'd just been condemned to a further month of babysitting duties.

Rule 921: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to use any of the larger pets as their own personal horses.

A. Fred, Milo and Angus don't like it very much.

B. And you all know what happens when you upset them...

John, Rodney, Stackhouse and Carson were out for blood when their respective mascots limped into the conference room, looking like they'd been run over by a speeding Wraith cruiser. When the lads discovered the reason for their pets' various injuries, they dished out revenge - by turning the culprits over to the rest of the zoo.

Apparently, the other pets weren't too happy at the abuse suffered by their fellow animals (robotic and living alike) - as Laura, Radek and Parrish soon discovered. Even worse was the fact that while he was patching them up, Carson kept muttering about 'how good they'd taste' if Milo, Fred and Angus got hold of them...

Rule 922: Personnel are reminded that they are not to touch/move/tamper with any warning signs in Lab One.

One of the newbies decided to 'move' a warning sign that Rodney had placed next to an Ancient device. John entered Lab One, looking for his partner in crime and accidentally activated said device. Now the Air Force man was in the Infirmary sporting fangs and a tail (along with matching wings and horns), Carson was far from impressed, and Rodney was, quite frankly, feeling murderous.

Rule 923: Vacations are NOT an option.

A. GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR.

Carson made this rule mandatory after some of the personnel started to display what could only be described as 'extreme cabin fever'. Apparently, running around screaming 'Even the Wraith need a hug' whilst wearing nothing but loincloths and wearing face paint that looked like it had been done by a five year old with ADHD wasn't the best way to convince the Command Staff that you were one hundred percent sane.

Lorne and the rest of SGA-3 were admitted to the Infirmary and promptly sedated until Kate could do a psych eval on them.

Rule 924: The 'animation device' is not to be used to settle grudges.

A. Yes, I KNOW Kavanaugh can be a pain in the arse, but really, children, you need to be more mature.

John and Rodney had struck again, this time using the animation device to make all the furniture in the long haired chemist's room come to life. Carson beat them both around the heads with a bedpan when he realised that the bane of the Science Department was going to be stuck in his beloved Infirmary for at least a week.

Rule 925: Under no circumstances WHATSOEVER are you to activate the room in Corridor 66.

There was only one room in corridor 66, and stupidly, SGA-7 decided to investigate. They managed to activate the only device in said room and were alarmed to discover that it made everyone on base spontaneously burst into song. Three days later, calm was restored when Rodney took Ronon's blaster and blew the wretched thing into smithereens. Unfortunately, no one could thank the physicist – they'd all lost their voices from singing non-stop.

Rule 926: Personnel are reminded that when they are experimenting, it is usually a good idea to warn people.

Radek got stuck in a previously flooded part of the city that re-flooded itself. Unfortunately, it took the rescue teams eight hours to find him, as the Czech had neglected to mention where he was going...

Carson banged his head against the wall repeatedly until Dr Cole sedated him.

Rule 927: No 'bending'.

A. Just... no.

Movies were going to end up on the contraband list if the expedition kept it up. Using the gene interface and nanobots, various members found that they suddenly had the ability to bend elements, like in the Avatar movie. Lorne developed the ability to bend earth, Carson could bend water and John, naturally, got control of air. The scariest one of all, though, was Rodney, who found he now had the ability to manipulate fire.

The rest of the Science Department went into hiding – after all, it wasn't everyday that your boss could chuck a fireball at you if he got pissed.

Rule 928: Do not use the 'Nano Baby Maker'.

A. No more babies!

B. Unless they're real.

One of the Science teams found a machine, which they promptly christened the 'Nano Baby Maker'. Soon, the rest of the expedition found out and Atlantis was flooded with Nano babies. Even more disturbing was the fact that some people had been 'mixing and matching' to see what various couples' off-spring would look like. The most popular included John and Elizabeth, John and Teyla, John and Rodney and Rodney and Carson.

While the rest of the base found it amusing, those people who had been used did not and soon, violence erupted. After the dust had settled and the Infirmary was filled with new patients, the Nano babies were deactivated. (Although everyone agreed that Rodney and Carson's children were the cutest.)

Rule 929: Stop all the McShep rumours right now!

A, It's scaring John.

B. Rodney's getting freaked out.

C. You're upsetting Elizabeth and Katie.

The rumour mill had struck again, especially after the Nano baby incident. This time, it was John and Rodney who were the objects of their obsessions. After hearing nothing but McShep rumours for the better part of two days, neither of the boys would come out of their rooms, while Katie and Elizabeth were on the warpath.

Needless to say, after the first couple of casualties, the rumours stopped.

Rule 930: Personnel are reminded that they are to be polite and courteous to visiting dignitaries AT ALL TIMES.

A. That includes the Science Department.

B. ESPECIALLY the Science Department...

Daniel Jackson was visiting Atlantis on a cultural exchange to find out more about the Athosians. In the midst of his tour of the city, he popped into Lab One to see how Rodney had been getting on with the Ancient translating. Much to everyone's amazement, McKay was scarily civil to Jackson, and the two of them chatted politely. Radek, meanwhile, was busy trying to fix their coffee machine (which had been a present from Jack and Sam).

Everything was fine until Radek's infamous Eastern European temper got the better of him when he couldn't fix the machine. Matters weren't helped when Daniel stepped over and solved the problem of the faulty coffee maker in a little less than two minutes. The Chief Engineer saw red and started ranting at Daniel in Czech. Unfortunately, he hadn't realised that SG-1's archaeologist could speak more languages than Elizabeth, and didn't take too kindly to being referred to as a 'pumpkin-headed, snot-nosed dork', nor the implication that he wasn't even a proper scientist...

Carson's head repeatedly hit his desk when the engineer was carried into the Infirmary by Ronon and Rodney, and his dismay was only heightened when he found out the reason WHY Radek now had a broken nose and cheekbone, as well as a black eye and a severe concussion.

Rule 931: If you are going to dispose of voodoo dolls, please make sure that you do so SENSIBLY.

John thought that the best way of getting rid of Carson's voodoo dolls was to burn them. He was wrong, and soon he and everyone else that had a doll version wound up in the Infirmary suffering from burns of varying degrees. Thankfully, Elizabeth was too badly injured to beat the crap out of him.

Rule 932: Do not attempt to make your very own 'Jurassic Park'.

A. It won't end well.

B. I'm not patching you up if a T-Rex suddenly decides that you'd make a tasty snack.

John and Rodney were officially trouble magnets, and their latest 'adventure' did nothing to prove that theory wrong. The boys decided to revisit the planet with the dinosaurs and create their very own 'Jurassic Park'...

Later that afternoon, they both emerged from the Gate looking slightly worse for wear. Carson was horrified to find bite marks in the pilot's leg and a baby Pterodactyl hiding in Rodney's backpack. The address was quickly locked out of the city's DHD and both of the boys got a lecture from Carson and Elizabeth for three hours about behaving like adults rather than two year olds on a sugar high.

Rule 933: For the love of all things holy, DO NOT MAKE SGA-1 INCAPABLE OF FIGHTING.

A. I mean, come on!

B. You know that they're the ones who save our arses when the disasters/crises/apocalypse happens!

The other SGA teams ganged up on SGA-1 during a supposedly 'friendly' basketball game. The result was SGA-1 being admitted to the Infirmary. Carson was angry because the gang had managed to injure themselves whilst playing a supposedly safe game. Elizabeth was angry because her premiere away team (and current boyfriend) were now out of action until they'd healed.

The rest of the base was totally freaked out because there was no one around to save them if all hell broke loose.

Rule 934: Murphy's Law is REAL.

A. Honestly, how many times do I have to tell you this, people?

B. And don't try denying it!

C. It won't turn out well...

SGA-6 were normally fairly well behaved, but did have a tendency to push their luck. On a recent off-world mission, they were told repeatedly by their native guide not to go near the mountains. Thinking that it was all superstitious nonsense ,the team ignored said guide and went... only to find that the mountains were inhabited by some large and unfriendly lions.

As they crawled back through the Gate and explained what had happened, Carson went postal and resorted to screaming at them. Said screaming took place while the Scotsman was being restrained by not one but an entire team of burly marines on security detail. Drs Cole and Morrison quickly took over and had Carson taken back to his room while they patched up the unfortunate SGA-6.

Rule 935: Do not attempt to 'surf' on the kawhoosh.

A. It won't be pretty.

SGA-10 thought this would be a cool thing to do. After they nearly lost their legs and Carson nearly had a stroke, they figured they were probably wrong.

Rule 936: Do not use bookshelves as ladders.

SGA-14 were either very stupid or the missing link between humans and monkeys. They decided that they could kill a couple of hours of down-time by climbing up the bookshelves in the library. Unfortunately, they hadn't considered the fact that the bookshelves weren't exactly built for such abuse and were promptly squashed underneath them.

Thankfully, the shelves weren't too heavy, and SGA-14 didn't injure themselves too badly, but they were forced to go into hiding from Carson and Bella when the two got wind of their latest example of stupidity.

Rule 937: Do not dress up like the Wraith in order to sneak aboard a Hive Ship.

The Wraith costumes were going to be incinerated if Carson ever got a hold of them. This time, it was SGA-9 who were the guilty party, using the costumes to sneak onto a Hive Ship. Admittedly, it was all part of a daring rescue mission that even John would have been proud of, but that wasn't the point. The team ended up rather too close to being eaten for Carson's liking. After he had dealt with them, he posted this rule to prevent any more kamikaze rescues.

After all, there was only so much a man's nerves could take.

Rule 938: The giant swing set is now banned until further notice.

A. And if anyone knows the whereabouts of Dr McKay or Colonel Sheppard, there happens to be a substantial reward available...

For reasons that were probably less than healthy (and not altogether sane), Rodney built a giant swing set in one of the abandoned labs. Pretty soon, the rest of the expedition found out about it and both he and John were making a fortune in fares. Unfortunately, the swing set had been constructed using Ancient materials, which meant that whenever someone with the gene got on, it went haywire. Fourteen casualties later, Carson was beyond angry and the boys had gone into hiding.

Rule 939: Do not trade off shifts.

It had all started when Chuck managed to swap shifts with one of the other technicians so that he could take Dr Susan Glass on a date. Soon after, everyone else got in on the act and no one was turning up for work at all, the medics included. However, they'd picked a bad time to go on unofficial strike – the base was hit with a highly contagious disease that made the Bubonic Plague look like a walk in the park.

Thankfully, there were no fatalities and the Medical Department soon had everything under control, but Elizabeth made Carson post this rule to prevent any repeats.

(She was also fed up of having to do everyone else's work when they hadn't turned up, proving that it was possible to run Atlantis single-handedly.)

Rule 940: Stop using pop culture references during first contact missions!

The off-world teams were in trouble again. This time, it was SGA-4 who had caused the chaos, by angering the inhabitants of M2G-721 with incessant pop culture references. Unfortunately for them, the Zeruvians didn't deal with frustration and confusion very well and ended up chasing them back through the Gate. Carson nearly had a stroke when he saw Laura emerge with an arrow sticking out of her shoulder.

Rule 941: While tattoos and piercings are acceptable, please think carefully before revealing them off-world.

Atlantis prided itself on being diverse and understanding. However, the rest of the Pegasus Galaxy hadn't quite caught on yet, as SGA-5 found out the hard way. When the team returned from P8X-289, they were covered from head to toe in a foul smelling green moss which was incredibly itchy. As it turned out, the natives thought that their various piercings and tattoos were signs of a disease and their local medicine man had coated them in the gunk to try and 'cure' them.

SGA-5 were now in the Infirmary trying their hardest not to scratch at their new all-over rashes.

Rule 942: Do not refer to Dr McKay as 'Meredith'.

A. He WILL hurt you.

B. Only Jeannie and John are allowed to call him that.

The newbies were in trouble yet again. This time, they'd started to call Rodney by his given name, which made the Canadian very angry indeed. After having to treat a scarily large number of people for scalding, electric shocks and concussions from doors that suddenly closed, Carson took Rodney to one side and had a chat. After he discovered the reason for his friend's annoyance, he turned the newbies over to Ronon for 'extra training'.

Rule 943: Personnel are reminded that they are not allowed to e-mail people back on Earth unless they have the express permission of Dr Weir.

A. And that includes asking Jeannie Miller for embarrassing stories from Rodney's youth.

Some people never learned, and the newbies were no exception. Rather than knowing when to keep their mouths shut, a couple of them e-mailed Jeannie to ask for embarrassing stories about the Head Scientist when he was younger. Jeannie gleefully replied and soon, Rodney's temper had reached breaking point.

It took John, Ronon and Lorne to restrain him when he walked into Lab One and saw photos of himself as a child pasted all over the walls. Luckily, John and Ronon had been anticipating something along these lines and had already dealt with the newbies responsible – they'd tied them upside down from the North pier and told Bexley to have at it.

Rule 944: SGA-2 are not allowed within ten feet of Dr Burns.

A. And stop looking so bloody smug, you lot!

SGA-2 and Dr Burns were never going to get on very well, but things got to the point where the scientist actually had to file a restraining order against the team. Apparently, he'd had enough of all the 'little accidents' while on off-world missions. John yelled at Stackhouse and co for three hours before admitting defeat and lifting their sentence.

He then spent the next two days yelling at them for looking like cats that got all the cream – and eventually had to go and see Carson to deal with his Laryngitis.

Rule 945: Do not attempt to build a 'video game portal'.

A. It won't end well.

Rodney and boredom equalled a new toy that would undoubtedly cause chaos. This time, the brainiac of SGA-1 had come up with a video game portal – a device that let you enter a video game and play as your chosen character. Unfortunately, he hadn't realised that his exit programme didn't work, and he and John were trapped in said game for an impressive seventeen hours.

Rule 946: Dr McKay and Colonel Sheppard are hereby banned from using the 'video game portal' until further notice.

A. And stop sulking, you two!

B. You brought it on yourselves.

After being released from the video game, both the boys were admitted to Carson suffering from dehydration and general fatigue. However, Rodney was adamant that he knew how to fix the problem with exiting, and as soon as they were released, they were both back in Lab One, playing with their new toy. While Rodney's modifications meant that they could indeed exit the game properly, he didn't realise that in re-routing various circuits, he had somehow made it possible for them to be physically hurt in said game.

They were soon back in the Infirmary with all manner of injuries, trying their best to keep on Carson's good side. After having the device locked away in one of the vaults, the Scotsman was now on a mission – he wanted to know exactly what game the boys had been playing.

After bribery, wheedling, threats and a couple of large needles thrown in for good measure, Beckett finally got the answer – John and Rodney had been playing 'Lego Star Wars'.

Rule 947: Personnel are not allowed to place bets on which pet would win a race.

A. The zoo aren't very happy.

B. And I know for a fact that Fred would kick the other animals' arses in a heartbeat.

Radek was going to be Atlantis' first walking corpse if Carson ever found him. The sneaky Czech had set up a secret betting pool based on which pet would win a one hundred metre dash. Unfortunately, the zoo found out and were less than impressed, and to make matters even worse, their owners weren't exactly filled with warm fuzzies either.

Zelenka beat a hasty retreat before they sent the Were Bears in.

Rule 948: No more home made movies!

John decided to make a documentary about the inner workings of Atlantis, and the daily lives of the city's inhabitants. So, for the better part of two weeks, he could be seen darting around Atlantis with a camcorder, pestering anyone and everyone for his 'epic'. Surprisingly, the rest of the expedition members were all good-natured about it and nothing more was said after John had finished his filming.

The only problems came when it was time for the big premiere. Unbeknownst to the rest of the base, John had actually ditched all the sensible interviews with crew members in favour of, well, bitch fights between certain individuals and teams. 'Lt Col John Sheppard Presents... Scientists vs. Marines, The Motion Picture: An Inside View On Atlantis' did not go down too well with either of the sides, and soon it had turned into the mother of all riots. The zoo and all the security teams had to be called in to break up the mobs, and Carson was not overly impressed when Rodney and Teyla dragged a semi-conscious John into the Infirmary.

The Scotsman's bad mood was not helped when he finally got to see the film – and his smack-downs with Kavanaugh, in all their violent glory.

John, meanwhile, was trying to figure out the best way to get to the Jumper bay without being lynched by everyone.

Rule 949: Do not mess around with the transporter controls.

After being caught in 'compromising' positions by various people, John decided that to avoid any further embarrassment, he was going to use his super-gene to ensure complete privacy. Unfortunately, he went a bit too far and managed to get stuck in one of the transporters with Elizabeth – on what had to be the hottest day on Atlantis. Seven hours later, Rodney managed to get the doors open... only to find John and Elizabeth wearing nothing but their underwear.

He ended up laughing so hard that he had to be treated for a pulled diaphragm by Carson. Apparently, he hadn't believed their story of how it was too hot to wear anything else...

Rule 950: Douglas Adams in not suitable reading material for Asgards.

A. Hermiod's already strange enough as it is, people!

The crew of the Daedalus were starting to really scare the Atlanteans. They somehow thought that getting Hermiod addicted to Douglas Adams was a good thing to do... as Rodney discovered first hand when he was called upon to help the Asgard sort out a malfunction with the ship's beaming technology. While the problem was fixed relatively quickly, McKay was disturbed when the Asgard started quoting random chunks of 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', and almost resorted to violence when Hermiod tried to teach him the meaning of life.

When Rodney got back to the city, he had to be sedated and moved to the Isolation ward for three weeks while Carson and Heightmeyer got him back to sanity.

Rule 951: Do not modify the Daedalus unless you have the express permission of Colonel Caldwell.

In retaliation to almost losing his mind, Rodney 'modified' some of the Daedalus' controls – namely, the Asgard ones that Hermiod used on a regular basis. As a result of said 'upgrades', the Asgard suddenly found himself beamed into the ocean. Carson was furious – not only was Rodney looking worse for wear after Novak found out what he'd done, he also had a very angry Asgard with pneumonia to contend with.

Rule 952: Please wear the proper safety equipment when skateboarding.

John plus his skateboard nearly always equalled disaster. When the lack of a helmet and the pilot's stubborn refusal to believe in Murphy's Law was added to the equation, Sheppard was even less happy... especially when it resulted in Carson plus needles plus an IV and an Infirmary stay, with Bella playing watchdog.

Rule 953: Dr McKay is banned from making any more skateboards until further notice.

After John broke his skateboard, Rodney decided to cheer his friend up by building John a 'better' one. As soon as the Air Force man was released, Rodney presented his team-mate with his new toy... and chaos ensued.

Basically, the physicist had modified his earlier attempts at building John a 'Back to the Future' hover-board.

Two hours after he'd been released, John was back in Carson's lair, this time with a very badly banged up Rodney. As it turned out, the Canadian hadn't taken into consideration the fact that John was a bit of a daredevil when he'd fabricated the skateboard, and as a result, hadn't anticipated his friend crashing into him at speed.

Carson went very quiet and nipped off to fetch the biggest needles he could find...

Rule 954: Pay attention to your surroundings AT ALLTIMES.

Rodney was walking in an unexplored section of Atlantis, trying to pin down an unidentified power oscillation. He was so wrapped up in the readings on his tablet that he wasn't paying attention to where he was walking and ended up walking off a walkway.

Thankfully, it wasn't too high up, and his backpack took the brunt of the fall, but the Canadian was still admitted to the Infirmary for concussion and bruised ribs. Carson stood over his bed and lectured his friend for three hours, while John, Ronon and Teyla laughed – the 'power oscillation' had been a fault on Rodney's tablet.

Rule 955: I SAID NO MORE JUMPER RACES!

A. That means YOU, Rodney!

B. And don't think I don't know who's idea it was in the first place, John!

The boys were in trouble yet again, after they decided to ignore the previous postings forbidding Jumper races of any shape or form. Basically, John got bored and dared Rodney that he could race around the city faster than the Canadian in a Jumper. Rodney, being Rodney (and thus not being able to resist a challenge, especially where his ego was concerned), readily agreed and soon, both of them were whizzing around Atlantis, terrifying almost everyone who saw them.

(Apart from Lorne and Radek, that was, who had started up a betting pool to see who was going to win. Oddly enough, Radek was convinced John would be 'King of the Jumpers', while Lorne was secretly gunning for Rodney, his theory being that the physicist could be a bit of a dark horse at times.)

Carson and Elizabeth were not amused, however, especially when the Scotsman's Infirmary became full to the point of breaking point with people suffering from varying degrees of shock and the like. As soon as John and Rodney landed, they were escorted to Elizabeth's office, where she and Beckett spent a colossal eight hours screaming at them. By the time they'd finished, the boys were gibbering, half deaf wrecks, while Carson and Elizabeth had lost their voices.

Evan, however, was unbearably smug - despite all the odds, and against everyone else's expectations, Rodney had won the race and the leader of SGA-3 was now more than a bit flush.

Rule 956: Dr Beckett is not allowed to build a virtual doctor.

A. We know you don't get a lot of down time, Carson, but really, that's just going too far.

After being denied a fishing trip for several months, Carson had soon had just about enough. While everyone thought he was locked away in his genetics lab, tinkering with a better way to deliver the ATA gene, he was actually reading up on the Science Department's notes. Two weeks later, the Scotsman terrified everyone on base when he created a 'friendly' replicator to act as his unofficial stand in. The fact that said replicator was completely harmless wasn't the point - the fact that it was Carson Beckett, the King of Voodoo Medicine, who had made it was what sent the rest of the expedition into a fear frenzy.

Eventually, John and his trigger happy Marines were called in to deal with 'Dr Haggis' (as Carson had christened him/it). The Scotsman sulked for days until Elizabeth re-arranged the rotas to allow him a long weekend in which to indulge his fishing addiction. There was only one condition - he wasn't allowed anywhere near the Scientists' research unless he was accompanied by Rodney or Radek.

McKay and Zelenka, meanwhile, were busy in Lab One, trying to work out how Carson had managed to pull it all off

Rule 957: Drs McKay and Zelenka are reminded that they are Atlantis' Chief Scientist and Chief Engineer, respectively.

A. That means that they are SUPPOSED to behave like ADULTS.

B. Grow up, you two!

C. And while we're on the subject, GET OVER IT!

Rodney and Radek were not amused by Carson's 'dabbling' into their territory, and even less impressed when they discovered that he'd managed to build his replicator stand-in using Kavanaugh's notes. So, in true evil genius style, they decided to get even with the Scotsman by attempting to sabotage his fishing trip.

Four attempts at hiding Carson's waders, five failed 'fishing rod kidnaps' and even a faked case of appendicitis later, and they were no closer to getting their pay-back. Or at least, they weren't until Radek had the idea of trying to maim Rodney so that Carson would HAVE to stay in the city to fix the Canadian.

Unfortunately, Carson had managed to somehow bribe Atlantis into behaving itself (no doubt after all the times he'd had to apologise for the behaviour of certain individuals) and the Czech was forced to resort to Plan B... which basically consisted of him beating the crap out of Rodney with a spanner set. Little did the Czech know that Rodney had actually been attending (and more importantly) participating in his training sessions with the rest of SGA-1, and put up a good fight. Three hours later, the pair of them were wheeled into the Infirmary looking like someone had used them as pummel bags.

Carson, however, had anticipated some kind of antics from the pair of them, and had already escaped to the mainland, leaving Bella in charge.

Needless to say, Rodney and Radek were not happy campers...

Rule 958: 'Scientists Vs Marines: An Inside View on Atlantis' is NOT to be shown to the SGC.

A. Do you REALLY want an IOA investigation?

John really hadn't learnt his lesson after the 'Atlantis movie' debacle. Where a normal (and more importantly SANE) person would have either destroyed or locked up the tape, the Air Force man decided that sending Jack a copy would be a clever thing to do.

While O'Neill found it highly amusing, Mr Woolsey and the rest of the IOA did not and it took a lot of fast talking and heavy negotiation from both Elizabeth and Carter to prevent a full blown IOA investigation. John, meanwhile, had gone into hiding from Carson, who was pacing through the city with a rather large bone saw.

Rule 959: I TOLD YOU THAT MOTORBIKES WERE BANNED!

Not content with almost causing a full blown investigation into the working practices of Atlantis and its residents, John was once again in trouble – and on Carson and Elizabeth's official hit list. The Air Force man had been watching one of his all-time favourite movies, 'The Great Escape' and had been struck by the sudden desire to replicate the infamous motorbike jump over the fence scene. So, he borrowed SGA-8's motorcycle and tried it out – on one of the piers.

The end result was neither pretty nor graceful, as the ever-fearless leader of SGA-1 drove straight off of said pier and landed in the middle of the Dolphi-Sharks. Luckily, the rest of his team and SGA-2 were on hand in case anything untoward happened, and managed to fish him out before any of the marine creatures got too friendly. Unfortunately, Elizabeth and Carson had walked out just in time to see, well, everything, and now the Air Force man was in the Infirmary.

Not even Rodney could save him from the tongue lashing he was about to get...

Rule 960: Dr Beckett is NOT allowed to race the Puddle Jumpers by order of Dr Weir.

A. Honestly, Carson, it was bad enough when it was just John and Rodney!

Despite posting the various rules forbidding Jumper races and the like (not to mention yelling himself hoarse at John and Rodney for repeatedly breaking said rules), Carson soon revealed a hitherto unknown and frightening side of his loveable character - he was a closet boy racer. The rest of the expedition found this out when he and Rodney decided to allegedly test who could fly a Jumper in a straight line for the longest length of time.

Two hours later, and they were in a tie.

So, Carson suggested a deep space drag race to sort out the men from the 'wee laddies' and Rodney readily accepted, much to John's dismay. (Both he and Lorne had been dragged along to act as co-pilots/referees/time-keepers/emergency back-ups.) The race was a spectacular one, with Carson just scraping the win. However, his celebrations were cut short when his Jumper started to malfunction and ended up crashing into Rodney's at breakneck speed. Luckily, SGA-2 and 7 had been on stand-by in case anything happened to go wrong and were able to rescue both ships and their 'contents' rather quickly.

However, when they got back to the city, Elizabeth was on the warpath. Not only were all four men now residents of the Infirmary (with injuries ranging from whiplash to broken arms/legs/ribs, concussions, various cuts and bruises, pulled muscles and even a cracked pelvis), but both Jumpers were completely unsalvageable. Thankfully, Teyla and Ronon were able to intervene before their friends wound up with even more wounds, but Elizabeth hacked into the Rulebook and posted this to prevent anyone else from getting an idea as monumentally stupid.

Tee hee! Hope you all liked that! More soon!