"Wide awake, my mistake, so predictable." Break Your Little Heart - All Time Low
Chapter 12
Mitchie POV
Shane collapsed next to me. I clutched at my chest whilst trying to calm my erratic breathing. And then it hit me.
I had just had sex with Shane Gray.
And it was the best I'd ever had.
I looked at the ceiling in the dark room. Was this going to change everything? It most probably would. Sex always changed things. And this wasn't the 'consummate relationship with loved one' sex. This was 'just had major fight and bubbling over with passion' sex. I knew that it was going to be tense afterwards. I didn't know what to say to him. There were just no words to describe how I felt at that moment.
"Wow." I breathed out when my breathing eventually slowed.
"Yeah," he sighed in agreement.
"Where did you learn to do that?"
"Would you believe me if I said I've only has sex on two other occasions?"
"Really?" I asked as I turned to face him.
"Really. You gotta love random groupies who are willing to have a drunken fuck."
"For someone who had hardly any experience, you sure are talented."
"So you didn't fake an orgasm then?"
"Did it sound like I was faking?"
"No, not at all. You made the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard." I felt a blush rising in my cheeks.
"That would be because you just gave me the best orgasm I've ever had."
"It was that good?"
"Fuck yes I would ask you to do it again, but you were so good that you've worn me out after only once."
"Go to sleep then." He looked down at me with a smile. He was next to me in the bed, both of us too in awe to move. I conceded to his (and my) wishes. I closed my eyes and wrapped myself around Shane's naked torso. Just as I was falling into unconsciousness I heard Shane whisper into my hair.
"I love you." I don't think I was supposed to hear that. I tensed up. I was not going to say it back, even if the feelings were returned. I just wasn't ready for love to be brought into our weird relationship. We didn't even have a proper relationship. Why did things have to get confusing? Couldn't things ever stay simple? I liked dating Shane. I liked it when we didn't have to worry about major feelings.
Now, love; that was a major feeling. Yeah, I was pretty sir I loved him. But if he loved me, which I'm sure he wouldn't lie about, then that would be bigger than my thing with Jack. I was terrified. I hadn't had a real serious relationship. And, maybe I wanted to be in a serious relationship with him. But that made more susceptible to being hurt. If I was in a relationship, I would put my all into it, like last time. I couldn't be hurt like that again. Not being in a relationship meant Shane could do anything he wanted because he didn't have to think about me and my feelings. He wasn't duty-bound to me. He didn't have to do right by me. I wasn't sure if I could risk being let down again. I've had far too many disappointments in my life. I didn't need another one to add to the pile.
My eyes blinked open. Light filtered through the room in the gaps in the curtains. I was made aware of the naked body pressed against my back when he breathed on my shoulder. His arm was flung across my stomach; his hand traced patterns into my skin during his slumber. I turned my head and looked at him. He was beautiful when he was asleep. The smile on his face was radiant. He looked like he was in pure bliss. That was how I felt when I didn't analyse everything and I wasn't thinking about how this was going to change things.
It just felt perfect lying in his arms. Like I was made to be there. I closed my eyes wanting to go back to sleep. I couldn't. I was still exhausted from what had happened on the bed I was currently lying in. But I simply had too much going through my head. It was a constant flicker between how amazing Shane was between the sheets and how this was going to change things.
I looked at Shane again and ran my hand through his silky hair. It was slightly matted though from the sweat from our activities. He stirred against me. His eyes - those beautiful brown eyes - flickered open and stared at me. A smile grazed his wonderful lips.
"Hi," I whispered.
"Hey, what time is it?" He asked quietly. It was as if we thought raising our voices would wake us up from an incredible dream.
"I don't know. I'm guessing during the day; the sun's slightly coming through the curtains."
"Hmm, my phone's in my jeans. God knows where they are. I have no idea if there's a clock in here; I never bothered to look. I can't be assed to get up."
"Well, we're going to have to get up at some point. Your hair is doing something crazy."
"And whose fault is that?"
"Yours; it's your sweat."
"Whatever Mitchie. Mmm do we have to get up? Can I not just snuggle with you all day?"
"No, some of us have to work."
"Please, take a mental health day or something."
"I'll think about it whilst I try to find out the time. Which I'll try to do in the dark because I don't think I could handle the sun right now." I slowly push off the sheet covering me. I struggled to get out the bed, simply because Shane would let me go.
"No, you're so warm. Don't go." He sounded so needy. I did that to Shane Gray.
"Shane, the sooner you let go, the sooner I'll be back. And the sooner I'll have a decision for you."
"Fine," he sighed. His grip on me loosened. I pulled myself out of his arms and out of the bed. As I stood up putting all my weight on my legs, I almost fell over. I had a severe case of jelly legs. I heard Shane laugh as I staggered.
"Be quiet you. It's your fault I'm like this."
"Do you really think you're going to be able to work if you can barely stand?"
"It'll wear off."
"Yeah but how long will that take?" I simply scowled in his direction. Whilst looking for Shane's jeans I realised how sore I was. He was right. There was no way in hell I was going to be working.
I finally found the over-priced item of technology. 13:23 the clock on the screen read. I couldn't believe we slept that late. I was supposed to be at work at 2. Yeah, I definitely couldn't work today.
"Well, what's the damage?"
"Twenty-five past one."
"Fuck, I congratulate you on exhausting me. Now get back here." I returned to the bed whilst trying to figure out how to work Shane's phone. I stumbled a few times before I reached the bed; each stumble earning a chuckle from Shane. I settled myself back in his arms.
"Much better," he sighed as he muzzled in my neck. I typed out a message oh his phone to Nicole.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting Nicole to apologise to Gus for me."
"Why are you apologising to Gus?" He asked with a smirk. Oh he already knew why I was apologising to Gus.
"Do I really have to answer that?"
"No, buy I want to hear you say it."
"Don't make me regret my decision."
"Please, just once." He whined whilst placing soft kisses on the back of my neck and left shoulder.
"Fine. I have decided to skip work."
"Why?"
"To stay with you." The phone vibrated in my hand.
Whose phone are you on and why can't you come in? - n
Shane's. I can barely walk. - M I replied.
"I like the sound of that." Shane said as I typed on the phone.
"Hmm, so do I." I said as I curled into his warmth.
"I could stay like this forever." He whispered. I felt him suck on my earlobe. Normally, I would find this weird, but when it felt as good as it did, I couldn't find anything weird about.
"Don't talk about forever. We don't know what will happen in the future. Let's just think about right now."
"What would you do if I told you I know what will happen in the future?"
"I would book you a place in an asylum. I think you're going a little crazy Shane."
"But I know what the future holds. I know that you're going to be in my life."
"Please don't say stuff like that; I don't want to set my heart out on something and have it collapse underneath me again."
"But I want you in my life; I need you in my life. I've known you only two weeks and yet I feel that I wouldn't be able to live without you."
"Please don't say that." I sighed.
"Why not? It's how I feel." He said frustratedly. "Are you saying that you don't feel an inkling of what I feel? That my feelings are completely one-sided?"
"No, I just don't want to be let down; I don't want any more broken promises." He pulled away from me.
"What makes you think that I'll let you down? What makes you think that I'll break promises?" He asked, his voice getting louder. I could see the anger in his eyes.
"Because it's me. Because bad things always happen to me. I run, Shane. As soon as things go badly, I run. Sometimes it's more metaphorical than literal. Either way, I run away from my problems. You met me because I ram. I just don't want you to promise me things when I know that I'll end up hurting you."
"Well, stop running. I'm here, waiting for you to stop bring scared. Why can't you see that?" This was so typical of me. As soon as things seem to be going right for me they turn sour. Most of the time it was my fault; this being no exception.
"I do see it, but I'm never going to stop being scared." I slowly started to get out the bed. I had to get out of there. I couldn't let another guy break me again. Especially not a guy I'd known all of two weeks.
"What are you doing?" He asked when he saw me looking for my clothes. I put on the items of clothing as I found them.
"I'm doing what I do best Shane; I'm running at the first sign of trouble."
"Mitchie," he sighed. "Can you not just face the music for once? Do you really not believe in us enough to stay?" He walked towards me and I just backed away.
"Us? Shane there is no 'us'." I turned around to open the door. As I made my way to the corridor Shane grabbed my upper arm.
"Mitchie, please. Don't do this, please." I couldn't look at him; I knew he would have one of those pleading, puppy dog looks.
"No, you want promises and I just can't give you that. Please don't make this harder than it already is. Just let me leave."
"It doesn't have to be hard because you don't have to leave."
"Just let me go Shane. I mean nothing to you. I'm just a silly burlesque singer. You don't need me. I would just hold you back, so please let me go."
"I'm falling for you Mitchie. You can't deny that you feel something for me. Tell me that last night meant nothing to you. Tell me that and I'll let you go."
"I can't do that."
"Then stay. Face your fears. Tell my why you're so scared." I laughed bitterly. This was hurting me as much as it seemed to be hurting him, but I figured that running would be less painful than staying and watching whatever we had fall apart.
"Jesus, it's not as easy as that. Shane, I mean nothing to you. I'm just a slut. I got my clutches into you and now I'm leaving. Just like every other hooker out there. Forget about me."
"I can't do that."
"You have to. Would it be easier if I made up some bullshit story that I was only with you so I could sell my story to the papers. Because I'll do that if it means you'll let me leave. It's not true, but I'll do it."
"Are you that desperate to go?" He said, as if I was destroying his dreams.
"Yes."
He didn't say another word. He let go of my arm and returned to his
bed. His head fell into his hands and he began to shake. Was
he crying? My suspicions were confirmed when I heard him gasp,
which was a borderline sob. A guy was crying over me. No guy had
ever cried over me. He actually cared about me. That made it
that much harder for me to walk out of there. But I did; I had
to. If he invested to much in me, he would get hurt more than
how he was feeling now because I would
eventually run away.
That was what I did. So I walked out now to stop there being
worse pain than later on.
Shane POV
She left. I
put my heart on the line for her and she fucking left. I knew I
shouldn't have put myself out there like that. Every time I give my
heart to a girl, she breaks it. Okay, so it's only happened
once before, when I was nineteen. But that girl was my first
love. I didn't love her like I loved Mitchie though. With Tess I
had been looking for love, and she was my girlfriend at the
time. I thought I loved her; you're supposed to love your
girlfriend. But I realise now that I didn't really love her. I
love Mitchie. And what I felt towards Tess was nothing like what
I felt with Mitchie. I would give Mitchie the world if I
could.
It hurt, my God it hurt. For her to just dismiss my feelings like that. I just couldn't get my head around it. I knew she had a past which would prevent her from getting too deep. But I thought she would understand. I didn't think she was capable of hurting me the way she had. I thought she returned my feelings; I really did. She had that glimmer in her eyes when she looked at me. Why would she be like that if she didn't love me? Why couldn't she just let go of the past and just love me? It's been four damn years; she should have gotten over it by now.
There was a gaping hole in my chest. I couldn't watch her leave; I just couldn't. She left me in a mess. She had me fucking crying. I never cry. The last time I cried was before I was a teenager. But yet, this girl I'd known all of two seconds had tears pouring down my face.
Maybe that's why I did it. Maybe that's why I decided to visit the mini bar in my room. Maybe that's why I held a bottle of vodka to my lips for the first time since I had met that beautiful girl. I wanted to be a better person because of her. I was drinking half in spite of her and half to try to stop the pain she had caused.
It never stopped. It numbed but didn't stop. She was always there in the back of my mind. She was always there saying things she hadn't said but felt like she implied. I drank more and more to try to shut her up; to stop her from killing me. But it never stopped; not even when I passed out. It only got louder. It got to the point where her voice was shouting in my head.
Mitchie POV
It was killing me. The guilt. I couldn't take it. I had hurt him. I was never the type of girl to hurt someone. And just knowing that I had hurt the guy I was in love, let alone witnessing it, killed me.
I didn't want to be the girl that would lure a guy into falling in love with her and then breaking his heart. But I had done just that. I knew that when Shane had told me he was falling for me that he was holding back. I knew that it was deeper than what he said.
As I walked back to my apartment I kept stopping on the side-walk, contemplating whether I should return and face it like an adult. I was twenty fucking one. I was old enough to deal with this kind of stuff. I wasn't that naive girl who almost killed herself before running to Vegas. I was the sane age as my mother - shudder - was when she got married. I should be dealing with this stuff instead of running away from it at this age.
I didn't want to be a coward any longer.
It took me till the next day to sum up the courage to do anything about it though. I shoved on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and left to go to his hotel room. It wasn't till I was halfway there that I realised I was wearing a Connect 3 concert t-shirt.
I had seen them perform in Vegas back when I was eighteen and had s large income from the prostitution. Nicole, Laura and I went to the concert with great expectations. And Shane, Nate and Jason didn't disappoint. I wasn't going to tell Shane this though. I had forgotten this piece of information till that moment.
I knocked on the door that I had exited through the day before. It was the afternoon, so I knew Shane would be awake.
"Fuck off." I heard him say inside. This was not good. He seemed to be in a foul mood.
"Shane, its Mitchie." I called. Maybe he would let me in; even though it was my fault he was in that mood.
"Even more reason for you to fuck off."
"Come on Shane, let me explain."
"Oh you explained enough yesterday. You don't give a shit about me. So why should I let you in to break my heart even more?" His question left me in the same state as him: broken hearted.
"Because I need to talk to you."
"Just leave Mitchie."
"Please Shane, you're being unreasonable."
"I'm being unreasonable. I'm being unreasonable? I'm not the one who ran away because I was scared. I'm not the one who has sex with someone and then left. So, don't you fucking call me unreasonable after what you did yesterday." His voice was getting closer, meaning if I pushed a little more he would open the door. He was right. Every word he said was right. And I hated myself for it. Listening to what he was saying made me realise what a heartless bitch I was.
"I-I'm sorry. Please just let me explain."
"What can you explain?" He asked as his door flew open. He stood there, looking rather worse for wear, with his hair all over the place and only in a t-shirt and boxers. His eyes were bloodshot and it was obvious he hadn't slept. I'd done that to him. "Explain to me why you hurt me like I've never been hurt before. Explain to me why you thought it'd be better to leave me here to my own devices when I've told you how alone I feel." I didn't know what to say. I didn't realise I'd hurt him that bad. He noticed my blank expression. "Yeah, I didn't think so. Why don't you just leave?" And with that, he turned and returned to his dark room. He left the door open, meaning I could go in and grovel. I just prayed that he would forgive me. He wouldn't leave his door open unless he wanted me to try harder.
I slowly entered the room, stumbling as I went. Suddenly, the smell of alcohol hit my lungs. I didn't know how to deal with the information that he had been drinking. He said he was a bad drunk. My head was screaming at me, 'leave now!'. But I couldn't leave. I was there to fix things because I had left in the first place. I couldn't leave now. I had to know what I was getting myself into if things were fixed. What if this hadn't happened and we got married or something and he had a bad day? I needed to know what he was like so I could deal with it. I had to show him that I could stick around no matter what.
"Why haven't you left yet?" He asked hoarsely. He was sitting on his bed with two spirit bottles on his left. He had his knees pulled into his chest. Overall, he looked completely broken. I ignored his question, launching into my own.
"You've been drinking; why?"
"Why the fuck do you think?" He slurred. Yet another person I had driven to alcohol.
"Shane, I'm sorry I wish you were sober to hear this, but I can't wait. I'm scared." He snorted. "I've never felt like this about anyone. The only time I've felt remotely close to this was back in high school. I had my heart broken and I'm scared to trust anyone like that again."
"I don't want to hear your damn sob stories Mitchie."
"I'm trying to make you understand Shane. I'm trying to get you to see why I'm so closed up."
"I already fucking know. You don't care about me. I was just there for a quick fuck."
"Don't you dare say that to me." he got up and stood right in front of me. His eyes flashed with anger.
"I can say all I want to say to you, because you fucking hurt me. So why shouldn't I hurt you?"
"You have every right to. But I never meant to hurt you."
"Yeah right. You're just a stupid slut who doesn't care for anyone." My eyes began to cloud over with tears. I may have said it about myself, but when he said it, it hurt. Ridiculously. I didn't want to do it but I felt I had to. My hand whipped across his face. It wasn't my best idea to date. It only got him angrier. He definitely was a violent drunk.
His hand was quick. I didn't even realise what had happened until I was falling to the floor with s bright read mark across my cheek.
AN: I'm BACK. AND DUN DUN DUN. Now don't hate Shane. Please. This was emotionally exhausting. So yeah, I was plagiarised again. Er and I would love to know what you thought of this because it's the one I've just been planning for ages. Overall count of how many reviews I got for last chapter... 38. I LOVE YOU GUYS. So, I hope you all read Taste, I'm pretty proud of it now that I know you guys think it's good. I like long reviews. Some make me cry . R&R
