Most adults are familiar with the feeling of waking up after a crazy night of drinking with a raging hangover. The feeling of wondering exactly what had happened and then being so mortified upon the discovery as to want to shrink into earth and die of shame. I had that feeling the next morning-
For I had been drunk on false affection and love that was not real.
I had only my 'hangover' left. Indeed, only my mother remained from the night before. She, like a hangover, would not go away after the shenanigans were over. I could still feel her.
Yes, I was ashamed of myself. I really was. To think that I could be so foolish as to let stupid lies and fake gestures of 'love'. A crazy night, even I can admit that. My exhaustion drove me to limits I thought impossible. To be so complacent- to be so meek- at my father's will. I knew he had another motive. Was he trying to get me to tell him things? Was this about my mother? Was it about business? I knew it was impossible for someone like him- someone born without a heart- to be so gentle. It was wrong. It wasn't the way of our family.
I at least had an excuse for my strange behavior. I was exhausted, and rightfully so given all that had happened, and my mind had simply rejected all rational thought. I would never crave his affection. Never. Love, affection, kindness, these things mattered not to me. No, I would never let myself be fooled by my parents affection again. At least, I would never willingly crave his love.
I'm sure my mother loved me too- just like him.
Her motive was sex and lust. His, I knew, was information. He knew that I would eventually come to terms with my memories and things would lapse back into normalcy and would therefore require my mask once again. But, if I trusted him I would be far easier to see through.
He didn't love me. They were words and nothing more.
"You don't love me." I spat as I stared listlessly at the ceiling.
"Yes I do!" a voice protested.
Tamaki. I hadn't known he was awake.
I'd almost forgotten him and now he thought I was talking about him. Well, I will admit, love does matter to me. Tamaki's love. I would do anything for Tamaki and his sweet lips and soft hair that smelled of lemon-grass. Yes, I would always love Tamaki and I suppose I'd always had. I'd just repressed it and dubbed it friendship.
"Not you,"
"Oh... her."
"Both of them. Liars both."
I told Tamaki what had transpired and he agreed with me. He told me my father was not to be trusted, in fact, of my family only Fyumi was trustworthy. I agreed of course and dubbed the night before a ruse and a sham. Well, my night after I returned home.
"You love me." I mumbled to Tamaki as we lay on the bed staring at the ceiling.
"W-well yes," he said softly.
"Ok,"
I didn't say it back. Love, even my love for him, was not something I cared to show and given what a fool I'd made of myself the night before I wasn't about to repeat the action. Tamaki seemed to have an innate understanding of this and simply allowed me to take his hand in mine and squeeze it. He stood and smiled down at me.
"You're in a surprisingly good mood this morning come to think... don't you usually hate mornings?" he said cheerfully. I rolled onto my side and grabbed my glasses from the nightstand. Glancing at the clock I saw that it was nearly three in the afternoon.
"It's not afternoon."
I knew he meant it. My thoughts from the previous evening hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was disgusted at myself now that I had the energy to think things through. Hadn't I learned my lesson the first time? My father could never love me. He just couldn't. If he had loved me he would have paid enough attention to know what my mother had been doing.
How could he see her with me in any circumstance and not see what was happening? That's just it then, he must've seen it. He was ignoring it, but she took it too far.
And to think I left my self so vulnerable as to fall asleep in his presence. How did I know he wasn't just as sick as her?
"I'm an idiot," I said as I got up and walked to the bathroom. Tamaki grabbed my shoulder as I brushed past.
"What's wrong- aside from the obvious?" he asked worriedly.
"Tamaki, never let me stay awake for more than twenty-four hours ok? I loose my sensibility when I'm near passing out." I ordered tersely.
"Don't beat yourself up Kyouya, you're allowed to make mistakes." he responded seriously.
"No Tamaki, this is more serious than you think. I've reached a new conclusion: my father knew full-well what my mother was doing to me at the time but he didn't want to ruin our perfect family facade. It would have been a disaster to stop my mother and just as he brushed her off when I lost my memory, he brushed her off at the time to preserve our reputation. He can't be trusted." I growled. Tamaki drew his hand from my shoulder in surprise.
"Why the sudden about face?"
"Because I needed to see how blind I could be and how many faces he had to know that he was lying to me."
Our eyes locked and he nodded solemnly. He took my chin in his hand and pulled me close, whispering that he would look out for me even if no one else would. His lips met mine swiftly and roughly, filled with his pain at seeing me in a bad situation. He licked at my lips stubbornly until they parted and our tongues dueled fiercely. It was strange having his tongue as the victor of our little fight but I knew that in the end I would submit to Tamaki no matter what the case. We broke apart and I knew I needed a shower and some time to think.
I sighed and told him that the guest-room down the hall had a shower he could use and that my dresser was open for him to borrow clothes. I slipped into the bathroom easily and shed my clothes hastily. At least I had my dignity in tact in some ways. My father hadn't bother undoing my tie or some such thing.
Still reeling from the idea of my foolishness I began the worst week of my life.
A/n: I lack subtlety like a desert lacks water. so um, he may seem bi-polar now but this all has a point i assure you. i do. i do. i do.... and PREPARE because this story is about to take the most epic plot turn you will ever see!
