Breakfast, or I suppose it was dinner for most people, was a disaster.
I'd come into the dining room with Tamaki to eat and found my father halfway through a bowl of soup and cup of rare tea. He glanced up at me and smiled icily. If I had been as tired as I'd been the night before I would have cringed. Instead, I gave him an expressionless look that he seemed surprised by and sat beside Tamaki. Tamaki nudged my foot with his lightly. Our breakfast/dinner was filled with glares and an air of distrust that transcended over the table like fog. We ate in near silence until my father finally raised his voice.
"You seem quite changed, I am worried that something has happened." he said in his low, cold voice.
"Quite the contrary, nothing has changed."
The silence returned again and this time I could see his facade had left him. He knew my meaning, and he knew I was sensible again.
"And Tamaki?"
"I know everything, sir. Kyouya is my best friend so I was worried and bothered him until he told me what was wrong." Tamaki said quickly.
"Are you sure he didn't just tell you then ask you to help him induce amnesia?" my father said with a rather dark smirk. Tamaki's face burned red.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Don't be, Tamaki. I asked you to because I thought it would work," I said quickly, shooting an almost reproachful look at my father.
"You were dead wrong," he growled.
"Yes, I was." I said levelly, staring at him emotionlessly.
Tamaki and I left the room a few minutes later, having eaten barely enough due to a sudden loss of appetite caused by the overwhelming sense of distrust between my father and I, and retreated into the hallway where the week's first catastrophe occurred. My father had just finished as well and had elected to follow us so when I gasped, clutched at the wall and nearly fainted from the force of my memory he was quite alarmed.
"Tamaki!" I gasped, throwing out my hand so that he could hold it. He took my hand and I heard him worriedly calling my name.
But I didn't see them anymore.
I was curled up with a book at my mother's feet in our sitting-room when my father came in dressed in his best suit.
"Come on, it's time to leave," he said coldly. My mother reached down and grabbed me, lifting me onto her lap and holding me there.
"Kyouya can't go my dear, he's feeling ill. His stomach hurts," she cooed then looked at me warmly, "right Kyouya?"
I was feeling perfectly fine but for some reason I simply said, "Yes mother."
My father looked at her, at me, and then back at her. There was a kind of silent communication between them that I didn't quite understand and then he said, "You're sure he is unable to come?"
"Oh yes," my mother assured him, "it's a mother's intuition. I'm sure he'll feel better if he stays and rests. Now, you take the others and go. I'll stay here with him."
My father didn't seem to care either way, "Very well, I'll give your regards to Mrs. Shiratori."
He walked away.
"Father!" I called loudly, "I want to go!"
My mother placed a hand over my mouth and assured my father that I was ill. He nodded once and was heard of no more. My mother listened for the sound of the front door closing before she turned to me and smiled sickeningly sweet.
"Now, love, come with me." she said and stood, still holding me. She started carrying me towards the bedroom.
Reality hit me like a brick to the face.
I was kneeling on the floor, my hand clutching at Tamaki's shirt and my glasses on the ground beside me, with no recollection of how this had happened. I could only process one thought.
Get away from father.
He knew the whole time. He knew what she'd been doing to me. And she- she wasn't even hiding it! She'd simply said I was sick and taken me to my room. I didn't want to think about exactly what she'd done to me whilst there and I didn't want to think about how easy it had been for her.
I dragged myself to my feet and put my glasses on again. Tamaki hugged me and asked if I was ok.
"Yeah," I said slowly, "just feeling a little sick."
I barely resisted the urge to glare at my father, who seemed surprised at the severity of the flashback.
"Kyouya- what did you see?" he asked urgently.
"Nothing far from her usual," I lied. He looked worried, but it appeared as though my answer had helped some. He knew that now as an adult I would recognize that he knew everything my mother did to me. I took Tamaki back to my room and told him all that I had seen.
"I knew I was right! He knew the whole time! And I- I let him get so close to me last night! I can't believe I was so naive!" I exclaimed as I dropped onto my couch with a detached expression.
"I thought you loved him? How can you be so hostile after last night?"
"I told you, I realized it was just a facade. He doesn't love me, he never has."
"But you're related," Tamaki said as if that explained everything, "you have to love each other."
"Do you love your grandmother?"
He went very quiet for a moment and I realized how harsh my words had been.
"I didn't mean it like that, Tamaki." I said softly.
"I love her. She's my grandmother."
He leaned over and hugged me softly saying, "You know, it's ok to love your father. I know you don't trust him, and it doesn't appear as though you should, but you can still love him. Even if it hurts."
"I've always wanted to please him, so when he put on this stupid 'fatherly love' mask I was completely taken in. He seemed like he really cared but I know if he truly did he would have stopped my mother from hurting me." I said softly, letting my baited breath escape in quick, quiet bursts. Tamaki played with my hair as I spoke, seeming not to care how ridiculous we must have looked.
"Then he's not to be trusted, but you can still love him." he said slowly.
"Without trust there is no love." I countered, unwilling to admit to myself that I did love my father even if it went against common sense. Tamaki seemed to see my point though, for he smiled a bit and nodded.
My father didn't bother us all weekend, for indeed Tamaki practically moved in in order to keep me sane, and I had a number of horrific flashbacks that left me crumpled on the ground with no recollection of how I'd gotten there. My mind was overrun with her image, such that I could barely piece together a sentence at times. I practiced hiding it as best I could but I knew it was no use.
No matter what I did I could feel her touch through my clothes as if I were fully naked. I could always hear her voice cooing to me sweetly saying disgusting things that I will never repeat. I could often feel her tongue sliding along my chest- or worse places- and her teeth gnashing against my body. Her lips would ghost across mine as I spoke, or raised a mug of tea to my mouth.
When I turned off to sleep, memories crept.
That was when I remembered things the most. I would close my eyes expecting sleep to take me only to find that I was trapped beneath her as a child. I could never break free from what I saw once it was in my head. I could only wait in horror as I relived things I never wanted to remember.
Tamaki became my only tether to reality and one of my few reasons to live. He'd hold my hand as I trembled from the force of remembering how I had been defiled. He'd kiss my lips lightly as a reassurance that it would be ok. He would pull me into soft hugs as I tried to forget the horrors I'd seen. He did whatever he could for me.
Still it was never enough to keep me safe from her. She was always there in my mind and always were the results of this unfortunate fact disastrous. I knew that attending school in my condition would only cause problems and so when sunday turned to monday I'd been forced to stay home. I ended up staying home until thursday. I spent the days combating the urge to go yell at my father or to burn my skin off.
The more flashbacks I had the more it seemed my father knew. He didn't even try to stop her. I don't even think he cared, so long as no one ever knew. At the same time, I was beginning to feel absolutely disgusted with myself. All that she'd done to me- all that she'd taken from me- was making my skin crawl. It was as if her invisible touch made me dirty. As if I'd been dragged through the mud and left to suffer. I felt so unclean that I took to washing my hands obsessively and showering constantly. The scent of soap became a permanent part of my room and even intensified after Tamaki was forced to return to his mansion on tuesday.
It all felt so wrong.
The week dragged on tediously and torturously and I was miserable the entire time. There are no words in any language to describe the tedium that I faced. I lived my life from dream to dream, praying the memories would soon be over with. I was miserable and the memories didn't stop. By the end of the week I was ready to do anything to make the memories stop.
I began to remember the promise I'd made to myself.
I would either forget everything about my mother or remember everything and confront her.
It was a bad idea. I knew that more than anything else. I couldn't possibly get there- for I had no idea where she lived- and when I did I'm sure nothing good could come of it. She would kill me or defile me again. I simply couldn't go see her. But I had to make the memories stop before I sunk into madness.
The only way I could think of that would cure me of my past was to remember everything.
"Will I keep having these flashbacks?" I asked spitefully.
"I can only assume so. Or rather, you will until you remember everything not just bits and pieces."
My attempt to forget it all had given me nothing but trouble- and Tamaki- and so I knew that remembering everything was my only option. But how long would that take? Weeks? Months? Or, I shuddered at the thought, years? I would go insane. Already, my normally sensible mind was being torn apart under her influence with no chance of relief. What was I to do but induce the memories myself?
Then of course the question remained how was I to do such a thing. Unfortunately, this question was answered by my mother in the form of a letter delivered by a rock that flew through the window of my car on my first trip out of the house in days.
My Kyouya,
If you are not afraid, come to my home outside of Quebec city in Canada. I have valuable information regarding your father and a sure way to alleviate you of your memories. Your father tells me you remember some things now and that you learn more each day. I'm sure you understand that I am not free to move about but surly you know you can come to me. I ask that you do this. I'll have some of my body guards get you. Leave your home the night you receive this.
- Your mother
My opportunity had come, but was I ready to take it?
A/n: the plot, and kyouya's mental unrest thickens. I hope this is ok... I'm trying my very best but I must admit i'm feeling very insecure about this fic. I'm worried that I'm failing miserably at explaining what's going through the characters heads... if you have a comment regarding that please do tell me. I'll do my best to improve based on your suggestions. Also, I'm doing my best with updates but as you can see my schedule is quite hectic. I'll be leaving on thursday for florida to celebrate the fourth of july with my family which either means more or less updates depending how miserable I am.
Also, to anyone who has read Great Expectations by Charles Dickens you may see threads of similarity between Kyouya (Pip) and what he is about to do (Orlick, anyone?)
...that's my honors english nerd acting up.
One last thing because i'm a total spazz: go read thesupersomething's fic The Shadow Queen. It's awesome and she's very talented. It's Kyouya and Haruhi though.
Ok I'm going to stop whining and being a b#tch now.
