A/N: Special thanks to BookLord. Read , Henrietta Frances and 1278 for the reviews!
FYI this is the first chapter that will be mainly present time, there will still be flashbacks after this but they will be much smaller.
Lily POV:
Heartsick
Standing at the bench in the middle of the Gryffindor table, the words "She's dead, she's gone", repeatedly floated around her mind, nudging and poking their way back into her thoughts when her mind drifted - uncomfortably reminding her of the sad truth. Strange waves of intense heat sweeping from her head to her feet in short bursts every time she thought had nothing to do with the temperature.
When the bell finally rang again, Lily swung her leg over the bench and walked unsteadily towards the door, half-running, half-stumbling in a desperate attempt to escape this grief cocooning around her heart.
Once outside the Great Hall the much anticipated escape did not materialise; if anything, the cocoon began to constrict. She needed more space. She raced towards the main entrance and yanked the door open.
Outside, the wind was bitter whipping strands of hair all across her face and her mouth was set firmly shut. She felt barely able to speak and walked quickly with no destination. After an unknown amount of time she sat down on the grass with her arms surrounding her knees which were tucked under her chin. Her eyes stared at nothing in particular.
"Lily?"
Lily's eyes flickered to see a tall Hufflepuff standing a few feet away. Cliff Jones. 18. Not so bright. Unable to take a hint. Inwardly, she sighed wearily and closed her eyes.
When she did not respond, he sat down next to her and put an arm round her shoulder. "It's ok Lily, really. I know this is hard but you can count on me. Hey, why don't we go out to Hogsmeade and talk about it? Put on some slap and heels, you'll feel much better. Don't worry, no one will notice your puffy eyes and I can ignore them because they'll be gone soon enough eh?"
The churning emotions that had been swirling through her mind suddenly separated and rage surfaced, unbridled anger that needed a release. She wrenched his arm from her shoulder and stood up. "How dare you? How dare you say that you heartless bastard! She was my best friend and all you can say is 'no one will notice your puffy eyes'? Do you really think that make-up and shoes will make it better? Make anything better! You were always looking for ways to make me go out with you, but this is a new low. How could you?!" By the time she had finished her catharsis, she realised that she had been screaming at him. Suddenly all the rage drained out of her and remorse replace it.
Cliff who had just endured this feverish onslaught stood stock still, eyes wide, mouth agape.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry, I...I...I just can't deal with this right now, please just-" Lily began as tears filled her eyes. Cliff stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. "Wait! What- ?" Lily was cut off by Cliff crushing his mouth to hers. Lily's eyes widened and a muffled scream built in her throat. She swung her arm back and smashed it across Cliff's cheek but he didn't even flinch, if anything he pulled her closer into his vice like grip to prevent her squirming.
This was turning out to be the worst day of her life.
---
Five minutes and his resolve was gone. James Potter left the wall that he had been leaning on and trudged out of the Entrance Hall to face the onslaught of a biting wind. He looked up and wrinkled his nose; there was a storm coming, he could tell.
Looking back down, he scanned the grounds but found no sign of Lily, nor anyone for that matter. He knew for certain that she had gone outside and he suspected that she might have gone down to the lake, it was a great place to think after all and one of "Hellie's Hotspots" as she had liked to call them. He smiled at the memory. Still smiling, James wandered in the direction of the lake thinking of Helena's other "Hotspots", including the caretaker Apollyon Pringle's office...
---
Lily clenched her teeth together to prevent Cliff from pushing his tongue into her mouth. He began to bite her lip causing her to wince from the acute pain. What if he bit so hard he broke the skin? Panicked, her breath was coming in short sharp pants through her nose and her heart beat so loudly in her ears that she almost missed the voice that stopped both her heart and Cliff in their tracks. It whispered so quietly, yet so powerfully it seemed almost physical, a fluid twisting rope which wrapped itself around Cliff's neck and yanked him sharply away from Lily's face. His eyes were wide with shock and fear.
What had just happened?
At the sound of footsteps, Lily jerked her head around and saw James Potter thundering towards them. Although Cliff had pulled away from her face, his hands still shackled her wrists and his grip did not loosen at the appearance of James.
Lily met James' eyes with a pleading look and without a word, James charged into Cliff, ripping his hands from Lily's wrists. She barely registered anything, save a slight breeze as James sailed past her. James and Cliff crashed to the ground and began to fight furiously, Cliff throwing wild punches at James' face. Unluckily for Cliff, James had play fought with Sirius and Remus far too many times to lose a real one, despite the fact that Cliff was far bulkier.
Rage burned in James' eyes. Why had Cliff tried to take advantage of Lily when she was so vulnerable? Rolling them over until James was on top, he punched Cliff as hard as he could, and a grim delight stole over him unbidden, when he felt Cliff's nose crunch beneath his fist. Cliff slowed his attempts to escape and James moved his face closer until he could see himself reflected in those wide, pain filled eyes. Cliff's pupils dilated in fear, leaving only an ice blue slither of iris surrounding his huge glassy pupils. "If you ever so much as look at Lily again when she doesn't want you to, I will do more than just break your nose. I'll rip it off and shove it where the sun don't shine. Is that clear?" James whispered menacingly, dangerously in his ear. Cliff nodded before James withdrew from him and stood up, brushing off his robes. Wounded, both physically and in pride, Cliff scrambled back towards the castle.
James turned to face Lily. It seemed an age to both of them before James slowly dragged his darkened gaze up to meet Lily's bright green eyes which burned him with something he could not read as of yet. He waited for her to speak. When she finally did, her voice barely carried, even though the wind had suddenly dropped, as if in the eye of the storm.
"Thank you"
"Anytime" James did not even bother to ask how she was; he already knew the answer, and no matter how many times he or anyone else asked it, the answer would always be the same default 'I'm fine'. Instead he stepped towards her and spread his arms.
Lily's gave did not waver and she felt an irrevocable pull towards James. A cold gust of wind blew against her back which only pushed her further into the comfort of James' arms. It made her shiver, it almost felt like fingertips against her shoulders and she turned her head around to check there was not someone there. At the feeling of James' hard warm body against her cheek she wanted to cry, that familiar bitter lump rose in her throat at the thought of Helena laughing at her with James. Here, like this.
Hundreds of memories assailed her, each one Helena: laughing, shouting, crying, sleeping, whispering. Regret washed over her as she remembered one particular evening in Sixth Year where she and Helena had been arguing over none other than James Potter himself.
***
Helena and Lily were sitting by the fire in the squashy armchairs, the rest of the Gryffindor students having already gone up to bed.
"You know one day you'll end up married to him" Helena said matter-of-factly, breaking the comfortable silence. Her casualness angered Lily when Potter had done nothing but aggravate her all day.
"Yeah, and McGonagall will strip naked and start singing in the Great Hall" Lily spat sarcastically.
"No, I'm serious"
Lily's eyes narrowed at this comment. "Hellie, are you completely blind?"
"I think the question is, are you?" Helena pinned Lily with a piercing glare. She could be very astute sometimes.
"Merlin you sound just like Sirius" Lily huffed.
Helena ignores this comment and brought round their age old argument once again. "Give him a chance, Lils. You know he would do anything for you."
"Like what? I told him to stop hexing people and deflate his head, remember? And did he do that? No"
"Oh but he did. And that was in Fifth Year! You ignored him after that so how would you know anyway? I'm the one that spends time with him."
If only Helena knew the truth. Lily had been watching James like a hawk since day one and although he infuriated her, she couldn't seem to stop – he was far to compelling, and, she had to admit, amusing.
"If you don't believe me ask Remus" Helena finished.
"Remus, why?"
"He would tell you exactly what James has done for him, and Snape."
"Severus? James would never do anything for him" yeah, when pigs fly she mused.
"Remember, in Fifth year when Snape followed Remus?"
"What are you talking about?" Lily wracked her brains to try to recall any such incident, but all she drew was a blank.
Helena had on odd look on her face, her eyes held a dreamy, faraway look. Inside her head her mind was racing, how could Lily have forgotten? Judging by the sincere confusion in her gaze, Helena paled. What if she didn't know? Oh dear Merlin. She silently thanked the heavens that she hadn't been explicit with Lily.
Lily stared into Helena's stricken face which was half in shadow, the glow from the fire making the visible side look sallow and waxy. She was nervous.
"Forget it." She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes before she continued. "Just admit you like him and go out with him, please, for me Lils, please."
"Why should I, you can't tell me what to do! You always think you know what's best for me, just stop interfering!" Lily snapped.
Without saying another word, Helena got up and left Lily sitting alone in the common room. Alone, confused and battling with the fact that she could never deny her best friend anything.
***
Lily could hear someone crying, real, soul-wrenching sobs that came from deep within. It was only when she opened her eyes to find that she had James' shirt fisted in her hands and that it was saturated with her tears did she realise that she had been the one making that noise.
She wished she had a time-turner for every time she had said something she hadn't meant. This only sent her over the edge once again and she dissolved into further tears and laid her head back against James once again.
James could not believe that Lily had anymore tears left to cry, she had been going for an immeasurable amount of time, but this outburst seemed necessary and far be it for him to try and stop her. She clung to his shirt like it was her only lifeline in a wide raging sea.
Lily hated that she looked so weak, so feeble but the thought of letting go made her cry harder. James thought she looked so devastated that all he wanted to do was scoop her up into his arms and tell her that everything was going to be ok. But he wouldn't do it to her because it wasn't ok, it wouldn't ever be ok without Helena and well he knew it.
"Shhhh" he comforted whispering in her ear "I'm here" and that was it he could say because it was true and it was all he could offer at this point. He wished he could absorb her pain and sought to do this by wrapping his arms tighter around her and stroking her soft hair with one hand.
"I'm so sorry for how I've treated you" she choked out.
"It doesn't matter"
She blinked up at him, wide eyed pain shining in her watery eyes. Although her eyes were bloodshot, her bright green gaze burned into him, the tears only allowing the golden striates in her eyes to become even more prominent, more beautiful. James did not have time to react as Lily reached up and pulled his face down towards hers before she pressed her lips to his surprisingly soft ones. The sweet smell of flowers flooded James senses and he could taste the salt from her tears, all he wanted to do was lessen the agony that strangled her heart.
The storm that had been threatening finally broke and fell onto Hogwarts, slowly but surely gaining strength until it almost pounded the ground and both Lily and James were thoroughly drenched.
Reality slammed into Lily like a ton of bricks. What was she doing here, with James? She had some insane, misguided notion that James would try it on with her in a payment of sorts for him getting rid of Cliff. It was James who had instigated the kiss...wasn't it?
She pushed roughly away from his chest and shouted "Leave me alone, how could you!"
She faltered at the look of hurt and pain that emanated from his being. "I'm not sorry" he said evenly before he turned and walked away back to the castle.
"I'm not ready" she screamed at the uncaring wind.
"I'm not ready" she whimpered, but the sound was whipped out of her mouth and carried off by the wind once more.
Swinging wildly around so that the droplets of water flew from her hair, she began to run towards the gates and away from Hogwarts.
As Hellie would always say, there was only one way to solve a problem like this; a long, strong drink. And that was exactly what she intended to have.
A/N: Computer decided to have a meltdown :( Please review!
