Precious Person
There is something wrong with me.
There is something seriously wrong with me.
Those were the only clear thoughts in his head. The rest faded into a blur like the sound of a stormy sea. Something inside of him had been broken, something bad. He felt like he was walking on needles, like he was made out of broken glass. Almost like he would hurt anyone who touched him. Raphael sighed and looked at the person in the hospital bed.
"Damn it, wake up and tell me I'm wrong already. Tell me what an idiot I am. Wake up. Damn it…"
Mikey didn't wake up. The doctor had said that he'd probably wake up sometime during the night, but already it was morning and he was still unconscious. Raphael hadn't left his brother's side since they let him into the pale, blue, sterilized room. Nobody tried to force him out. Most took one look at his face and left him alone. He must look either really scary or really pathetic. Raph guessed the latter, for he felt more pathetic now then he ever had in his entire life.
He sighed again and rested his forehead against his arms. The night without sleep was starting to catch up to him, but it never occurred to him that he could go. The thought never appeared in his mind that he could leave his brother's side.
He grunted in discomfort as he moved his bandaged hands. His knuckles were in such a bad state that the doctor had asked if they had been run over by a truck. For once, Raph didn't answer; he had nothing to say.
Leo and Mikey's injuries had been the worst. Don had gotten away with bruises and a broken rib, Raph with his hands and a slight concussion from a sucker-punch he had been too slow to dodge. Mikey's shin had been broken cleanly in half; and he had managed to sprain his wrist, probably while hitting Hun. Apart from that he was okay. At least his face didn't feel like it was on fire.
Splinter had never hit them before. He had tripped them and smacked them during practice and so on, but he had never hit them out of rage before. Until now.
It hurt. A lot. More then his head or his hands, it hurt. But what made it even worse was that after Splinter had hit them, he had started to cry. He had cried and held his three still conscience sons tight. He had done so for the entire time Mikey had been in surgery. It had hurt more then anything. Part of him would rather go back to the fight then see Splinter like that.
Leo had been quiet. He had talked even less then Raph, so Donnie had been the one to explain the whole thing, first to Splinter, then filling in the blanks as their father talked to the police. Coral had been taken home as soon as the police had sorted out which boys to arrest and which ones to thank. Don didn't mention Karai's name. Neither did Splinter… even if he had understood.
"Wake up you pea-brain…"
When was the last time he had felt so down? Had ever even been so depressed? Not that he could remember.
"Hey, has he moved?"
Raph didn't turn as the door opened and Don came in; he just shook his head.
Don walked over to the other side of the bed, not in the mood to make Raph move aside. He leaned over the bed and took his sleeping brother's pulse. Raphael watched, his brain and body screaming for sleep but something in him told them to shut the hell up. He couldn't leave yet.
"Are you going to stay here until he wakes up?"
To tired to talk. Nod.
"Are you sure? I mean, even Leo got some sleep after they stitched him up. Apparently there's going to be a nasty scar…"
Raph shifted his weight, still not willing to talk.
"I think you should speak with him. Leo, I mean. I think he needs it."
That was a stupid thing to say. He could muster enough strength to answer that one.
"Leo doesn't need me."
"Yes, he does. If you weren't so busy always picking fights with him you'd know that."
Too tired. Let the stupid smartass think what he wants. He rested his head on his arms again.
Don sighed. He had no idea what to do. Leo had closed himself in his shell, Raph seemed to have run out of his brutal energy, and Mikey wasn't even awake to attempt to lighten the mood. He had no idea how to fix this, or if it was even fixable. He guessed that when Mike woke up, Raph would become more energized. If he could get Raph going then maybe Leo would snap out of his mental shutdown.
Maybe.
Donatello was still standing there when the door opened and Splinter came in, accompanied by a slow-moving, sling-armed Leonardo. The cut had wounded one of his shoulder muscles, making arm movement painful.
"Anything?"
Don shook his head, like Raph had, and glanced at Leo. The oldest brother looked like a house with the lights on but nobody home. He came to a halt halfway between the bed and the door, eyes absently running over the scene.
"He should have awakened by now. Perhaps we should call for a doctor?"
"I think he just needs rest. He'll probably wake up soon. Let's wait a bit."
The aging man sighed heavily, carefully placing a strong yet withered hand on Raphael's shoulder.
"And you, my son, how are you faring?"
Raph just shrugged the hand off.
"Raphael."
Splinter's hand was persistent, gripping on to him a bit harder this time.
"Leave me alone."
"I will not! We are your family, Raphael. We will not let you suffer alone."
Before the longhaired teenager had a chance to reply, a hoarse whisper interrupted him.
"You guys are too loud…"
They all jumped, and even Leo shook out of his daze to take a few steps forward. Don bent over the bed again as his brother pushed himself up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"How are you doing Mike? We were wondering if we had to kiss you to wake you up."
"He he. I'm fine. Leg hurts like hell, though, and I'm a bit thirst…"
Before he got any further, a huge weight crushed him down into the bed, trapped his torso with long arms that threatened to break a few more bones in his body, and breathed against his neck.
"Raph?!"
"If you ever scare me like that again, I swear to God I'll kill you!"
All others in the room just stared as Raph hugged his little brother even tighter, a small sob actually finding it's way into his half-whispered words.
"If you ever do that to me again, I swear I'll kill you, Dumbass…"
Mikey, not even able to remember the last time Raph had shown him any kind of normal proof of affection, apart from the noogies and so on, could only put his hands on his brother's trembling back and whisper back.
"Sorry, bro. I'll be careful next time. I'm sorry."
The others drew back, Don motioning to Mikey that he'd fetch him something to drink. Mike nodded a thank you. On the way out, Splinter tugged Leonardo's arm, as if to wake him. The last to leave, Leo looked one more time to his brothers. In that moment, half of him was filled with relief and happiness, and yet the rest grew cold. She had done this to them. She had hurt them. When was the last time Raphael had cried? When was the last time Mikey had apologized for something that wasn't his fault? When was the last time Splinter had been out of his mind with worry? She had done this to them. And he doubted he could ever forgive her, whatever her reasons were.
But you know her reasons Leonardo, she told them to you.
Shut up.
I will. But you know it's true. You were there.
With those dark thoughts digging themselves deeper and deeper into his heart, Leo closed the door.
"You were really worried, weren't you?"
Now that Mikey was awake and grinning so much his head should split in half, Raph felt like knocking him out again. Settling with a deep sigh, he rubbed his temples with his abused and bandaged fingers.
His brother just smiled, taking his silence for the agreement that it was. He knew Raph loved him, but it was nice to have him show it once in a while.
"It's just a broken leg. I'll be fine in no time."
"I know. Don't change the fact that I was worried about you, pea-brain."
Blinking a bit, Mikey started to realize just how freaked out his brother must have been, admitting something like that.
"How's Leo doing? Must have been such a shocker."
"Leo'll be fine."
"Have you talked to him at all?"
Raph just shook his head, taking a sip of the water Don had smuggled in.
"Shouldn't you? Wait! Does that mean that you've been sitting here all this time?!"
"Don't shout. This is a hospital."
"Wow. Why? Was it that fun to watch me drool?"
Mikey jumped when the bandaged hand left his brother's head to slam down hard on the bed with aloud, guttural growl.
"I didn't want to leave you all alone okay?! It didn't feel right! You're…!"
Raph threw himself back in the chair, hand still in a fist on the bed.
"Look. Don't misunderstand me. I love the others, I really do. But, you're the only one that I can be myself around, ya know? You're the only one that I can pour myself out without you being bothered by it."
His brother leaned forward a bit, not getting to far with his right leg high in the air, but it kept Raph going, like he couldn't stop the flow once he opened the dam.
"You… Splinter keeps trying to make me a better person, Leo always scolds me, Don gets annoyed. But you come looking for it. Every time I try to mellow down you get me all flared up again. Every time I try to change into what people want me to be you push me back. It makes me feel like… Like…"
He gulped down the lump in his throat. No use turning back now, better to just get it all out for once.
"You make me feel like it's ok. Like it's alright to be the person I am. Like I don't have to change at all."
Mikey just stared at him. Leo had mentioned something about Raph growing up or something along those lines, but this was more then he could have imagined. Raphael had never actually talked about his feelings so openly before. It was a bit scary.
"Wow. That was so …cheesy!"
Raph grunted, turning his eyes back to his bedridden brother.
"Don't make me break your other leg too, dumb-shit!"
Laughter was his response as a finger poked him on the nose.
"That's my brother! I got worried that you had grown soft on me there!"
Raph couldn't help but to smile lopsidedly. It was so good to have him back.
"Of course you don't have to change. You're good the way you are. You wouldn't be Raphael otherwise!"
Damn that runt, being able to make him feel human again with just a few words. Raphael decided he could let it slide, just this once. So instead of hitting him Raph just ruffled his brothers hair and laughed with him.
"Damn it, who put these stairs here? I don't remember them being so high!"
"Oh shush, Mike, we're almost at the top."
"Yeah but then there are MORE stairs until I can get to my bed!"
Raphael sighed (he had been doing that a lot since Mike woke up the other day) and unlocked the front door to let Donnie (who was supporting Mikey up the stairs, trying to make him stop whining) in.
Splinter smiled as he closed the truck's door behind Leonardo and walked over from the garage. His sons had returned home. Injured, battle-torn and deeply hurt, but alive. He couldn't help but be relieved.
"I swear, Mike, one more word and I'll leave you to crawl the rest of the way."
"Come on, Donnie!"
"That's three words."
"Get inside, the both of you. Just because I can't hit you don't mean I won't kick you down on the street!"
Leo looked up at his brothers arguing on top of the stairs in front of their home. He knew he should be either smiling or breaking them up, or both, but his body didn't move as he wanted. His thoughts felt jet-lagged, like they were two hours behind him, and his body moved like he was under water. Not to mention his heart.
No! don't think about it. Don't look at it, not yet. you're not ready to face that damage. Just go inside for now.
Splinter worried over Leonardo's quiet state. It must have been such a shock. Even knowing her name, Splinter would not have believed the radiant girl capable of such hurt. He had seen her with his sons. She had seemed so happy. She had reminded him of a shard of glass, slowly being softened in the waves on a sandy beach, losing it's sharp edges and becoming something even more beautiful.
He closed the door behind them, saving his poor neighbors from the far too familiar noise of his arguing children.
The wounded party settled down in the kitchen. Raph drooped into a chair so hard that the legs squeaked.
"But hot damn, it sucks to be you right now, Leo!"
The other three stiffened, Mikey gulping loudly as he looked at his brother from across the table.
"I mean, that has got to take the prize in suckish break-ups! Should we get you a medal?"
"Raphael, shut up."
Like Raph would pay attention to his brother when Leo didn't even raise his voice above a whisper .
"Or should we give it to Karai? She did stage that fairly well, didn't she! Pretending to be the perfect girlfriend just to screw you ov…!"
"Shut up, Raphael!!"
Leo whammed his still good hand in the table so hard it jumped, a stray glass tipping over.
"Shit! And you keep telling ME to take it easy!"
"Just shut the hell up for once you good-for-nothing thug!"
Raph's turn to abuse the table, though his hand protested against the treatment.
"No need for calling names, oh-so-fearless leader! I'm just telling it like it is!"
"No one needs you to point out the obvious! Do us all a favor and just stay out of it before I smack your brains out!"
"Hey, take it easy, guys. Don't fight. We just got home!"
Raphael actually smiled, leaning against the table, standing to face his brother.
"Let him be, Don. I sorta like this new Leo! Maybe we should have Karai stab him more often!"
"SHUT UP!"
"LEO!"
It's amazing how fast people's minds change over just one tiny detail. If it had been Raph that had stood in the way of Leonardo's hand, the fight might have ended with another trip to the hospital. But it was not Raphael's face the hand connected with, it was Donatello's nose.
It wasn't that hard. Leo had only been trying to wave him off to get a clear shot, but his knuckles slammed into Don's face and the nerd slammed into the counter.
"Don!"
"Shit, you're bleeding!"
"Donnie..?"
A thin, red line made it's way from Don's nostril to his lip, his expression more surprised than anything. His brothers were all turned to him. Leo held out his hand as if to touch his brother; but it stopped halfway to his face, as if he couldn't bring himself to do it after just wounding him with the very same hand.
Don looked up at his brother, older then him by seven minutes, but right then it felt like seven years. His brother looked so haunted, his eyes big and dark, his chin shaking slightly, his lip red from biting.
"Leo? Are you ok?"
That was the last nail in the coffin of Leonardo's sanity. It hit him like a truck on the highway. He had hurt his brother, who had only tried to stop him from doing the same to Raphael. Was there any worse way to act?
I should protect them! But this is all my fault! They got hurt because I couldn't protect them, because I was to weak! I get them hurt, and when they try to help me, what do I do?
"Bro?"
Don wiped the thin streak of blood away with his sleeve and reached out to Leonardo, but his hand was pushed away. The blue clad brother shoved him aside and rushed out through the back door.
"LEO?!"
He ignored his brother's calls and threw open the dojo's sliding door and collapsed on the floor, his legs under his body, his unharmed arm thrown out before him.
He screamed.
All the rage and betrayal, all the sorrow and despair making it's way out through his vocal cords. Still it wasn't enough. Still it hurt. His chest felt like Hun was standing on it, crushing it into pieces. His mind almost went white, his fingers clawing at the wooden planks.
Make it stop! Make it stop! It hurts! Please, Kami, make it stop!
His screams died down to sobs, his body shaking in submission. He couldn't go on like this, there was just no way. He could not live with a pain like this for the rest of his life. Was this what a samurai wife felt like when she received the news of her husband's death? If so, he could not blame them for taking their own lives. This was unbearable.
A thin hand patted his back, careful not to get to close to his wound. He knew that hand, but this time no gentle touch or kind word could heal him. This was beyond even Splinter.
His father sat there beside him, slowly stroking his back until the tears dried out in Leonardo's eyes and his low whispers faded away. Most of the turmoil in him was gone, but the guilt, the hurt, and the rage were still there like ambers glowing in a fireplace. All it needed was fuel, and it would flare up again. He couldn't live like this.
"Leonardo, I think this is more then I can help you with, my son."
Leo dragged himself upright, his forehead sticking to the floor with sweat. He tilted his heavy head and rested it against his fathers leg. The old hand moved from his back to his hair, the slow stroking movements failing to miss a beat.
"I think you are in need of a change of scenery. Perhaps even a change of air."
He glanced up at his dad. He was so little. Leo had outgrown him in middle school, but now, in this state, Splinter looked just like he had years ago, when Leo had come home crying over a scraped knee. Like he could protect him from everything in the whole world. There was comfort in that, even if he knew now the lack of truth. Just for a moment, Splinter could protect him against everything bad in the world again. He closed his eyes again.
"You have reached the point were I can not teach you anything more. But you have not come to the point were you will stop growing. There is still life in you my son, even if it does not seem that way now. I believe that staying here will give you little of value. Perhaps it's time you seek a new master."
"What?!"
He sat up, almost stood, before Splinter placed his hands gently on his shoulders.
"I can not teach you anymore then you do not already know. I have noticed it in our sparring sessions, and I am certain you have as well. Do not worry, I know a person who can give you what you need to grow."
"But, master Splinter!"
By force of habit, Leonardo could not call him father in the dojo. That had been the first rule they had learned.
Splinter closed his eyes and shook his head, a faint smile tugging his lips. How rare were devoted students these days? His son had reacted to the Bushido like it was already part of his soul, like the words just explained to him WHY he was the way he was.
"Leonardo. You can not heal here. Your brothers will. They are strong, and where they fail I will help them, but you need more. Even when your physical wounds heal, your heart will not. This place will only cause you harm at this point."
Leo knew he was right. Part of his mind was already haunted by the last time he had been practicing in here. She had been with him. His room would probably be even worse. Not to mention school, were he would have to pass her locker to get to most of his morning classes. His heart clenched again.
"But, where would I go? This is the only home I know."
Splinter smiled sadly.
"But it is not the only home you have lived in."
"Hey, do you think Leo's alright?"
"Splinter's talking to him, he'll be fine."
"But they have been out there for hours."
"It's okay. He must feel terrible."
"Will you two be quiet? I'll go up to my own room if you won't shut up."
Mikey threw one of the pillows onto the dark head next to him.
"You said you'd stay!"
"I'll take it back if you don't let me sleep!"
"Are you sure you can't master the stairs? We'll help you."
The injured boy made a noise like an offended cat and squished himself further in between the other two on the makeshift king size bed they had made on the living room floor out of every cushion in the house, Klunk mewing in protest before Mikey could put his hand over the cat's head again.
"Nah, this is cozier. Don't you agree Klunk?"
The soft purring noise made the other two smile despite themselves. Raph was glad that he had already turned his back on his brothers, or else they might have seen him smile. Gasp, the horror!
"How's your nose, Don?"
Don closed his eyes, scratching the cat's soft stomach.
"It's fine, it only bled for a minute anyway. It didn't even hurt that much."
"You guys think Leo will join us when he gets back?"
"Of course he will, feather brain. He's our big brother after all. There is no way he'd ever just leave us."
[Coments still motivate me to no end! X3]
