i
apologize for any mistakes in this chapter, i was dead on my feet
when i was inspired to write it.
song:
need
by hana pestle
BPOV
"Can I tell you something without making you mad? You can't get mad at me, promise?" Alice pushed the needle on her speedometer up to eighty-five as we raced down the highway to Port Angeles.
"What is it, Alice?" Her tone concerned me.
"Well," she began, pausing for thought, "that sweater really isn't such a good color for you." I let out a whoosh of air that her statement was only one of shallow criticism. She'd made it out to sound like she was telling me someone was dying or something.
"Gee, thanks," I laughed, tugging at the hem of my dark orange sweater. Alice glanced at me apologetically, pulling one leg beneath her without dropping in speed.
"I thought you'd be mad," she admitted. "But I've been thinking about it all day and I've decided to buy you a new sweater when we get there."
"You don't have to do that, Al." I was a little embarrassed, and I also hoped that Edward didn't have the same opinion of my choice of clothing as his twin sister, but decided to let it go. I already had too much to worry about.
"But Bella, I want to! Let me buy you a sweater." Her tone as pleading, her thin black eyebrows pulling upward into a pitiful expression of earnestness.
"Absolutely not," I said, unrelenting. "You can't just buy your friends new clothes when you don't like what they're already wearing. Besides, we're supposed to be going to a movie, remember?"
"Fine," she pouted, defeated. "But at least let's skip out on the movie. Just because you don't like to shop like normal girls doesn't mean I can't." I laughed at her as she glowered in her seat, the needle pushing further and further as her irritation grew.
Alice and I had grown considerably closer since that first fateful day at Forks High School. I remember not really knowing whether or not she liked me, second-guessing myself whenever I was around her. But now, I was wiser. Alice had not initially liked me, and I sort of served as more of a convenient friend when Rosalie was absent. Rosalie and Alice had eventually smoothed out their creases, but the distance was still between them. Their friendship would probably never be the same again, and rightfully so. Alice was a mess without Jasper, and Emmett wouldn't be the same without Rose. But I knew that it still bothered Alice, and I tried to be sensitive to that.
But Alice had gained a certain trust in me. She seemed to see something in me that was honest, albeit weird, and she chose to cart me around with her wherever she went. I didn't complain, because I knew it was unhealthy to only be friends with Edward, so I stayed with Alice as long as she would let me. She confided in me, and although I couldn't trust her wholly yet, her companionship was shallow and fun.
Since I started…whatever I was doing, with Edward, things changed. I changed. That night that he watched me from Emmett's vinyl beanbag, telling me how messed up I was, and the night that he told me he would make me 'New Bella,' I hadn't understood. Actually, I'd been downright offended. But now I got it. I had been altered, so completely, that I couldn't even recognize my old self. I was still there, my clumsiness and slight awkwardness not subsiding whatsoever, but my shoulders were more squared and I walked taller. I wasn't afraid. Awkward, yes. But scared, no.
As I stared at Alice's face as she sat beside me, analyzing her expression as her brow remained furrowed. She had been weird lately, weirder than was normal for her, and it concerned me. Normally, I would have let it go and ignored it, but Edward was acting the same way. I couldn't take it from Edward. I felt as if they shared a private pain that I couldn't understand, and it bothered me to no end. It was like the first night I'd slept over, and the secret conversation the Cullens carried on at the dinner table. I'd asked Alice to come with me to Port Angeles to talk things out. I was hesitant to ask Edward about it. Although the two of us had few secrets, part of me still felt like I was trying to get to know him. We had known each other for just under two months now, and had spent almost all of our time together, but I was still edgy. Alice was my best bet.
In addition, my relationship with Edward was…settling on a new level, to say the least. I couldn't forget the embarrassment I'd felt as his cool fingers brushed my naked spine those few weeks before. I hadn't heard him crawl through the window over the heavy rain that fell, and it was baffling to me that at the precise minute I pulled my shirt over my head, he just happened to materialize in my bedroom. I was a ridiculously modest person by nature, and entirely humiliated. But at the same time, it opened our night together on a new note, a strange one I'd never heard before. It opened a closed door in both of our minds as I hurriedly pulled a clean shirt over my head, and uncovered a buried notion that had been hidden away until his fingers slipped beneath the waistband of my sweat pants. It was uncomfortable, and terrifying, but it had sparked an interest.
I couldn't move on with Edward until I knew what was going on. Much to my dismay, Alice had given me the literal blow-by-blow of her experience at Jasper's house two weekends before, and her happiness had lasted for a while after she and Jasper had…progressed. But it was fading, and I worried about her. What could be troubling her so badly to the extent that sex, Alice's favorite thing other than designer stilettos, couldn't even take a frown off her face for more than five minutes? The thought made me blush, but it was true. I was absolutely petrified at the thought of knowing Edward like Alice knew Jasper, but I wanted it more than anything else. And I knew, I knew with everything I had, that I couldn't take my guard down with Edward if he was keeping secrets from me. Maybe it was none of my business, maybe he was waiting for the right time to talk about it with me, but I was impatient. And Alice was a blabbermouth.
"Alice?" I asked suddenly, raising my voice to be heard over the purr of the engine. She was still staring blank-facedly out of the windshield, trails of rain running across the glass.
"Yes?" she answered, her eyes still on the road.
"I'm…I'm going to try and be blunt here, okay? I'm not very good at it, but I need to know." I swallowed back the lump in my throat, wringing my fingers as I tried my hand at assertiveness. "Is there something wrong? Like, with you?"
"You mean, is there something wrong with Edward? If you want me to dish on my brother, all you have to do is ask." She cracked a smile as she pulled onto the onramp.
"Well, actually, I'm sort of asking about both of you. Something's up. I can tell." I bit my lip as Alice hesitated, and wondered if I should have even said anything.
"It's trivial. Well…yeah. It's not a big deal. Nothing to be worried over, Bella."
"That's a lie," I blurted, blushing at my outburst. "I mean, if it's personal, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't owe me an explanation, I just know that this is no petty mood swing. I can see it in your face. I can see it in his face."
She met my eyes then as we stalled at a red light, her expression much different than the vacant stare she'd kept as she gazed out the windshield. "You are more observant than I give you credit for. Edward thinks he has you fooled."
Her words brought a gasp through my teeth as I read into every hidden meaning her words could have possibly held. Edward did have a secret, and my suspicions were confirmed. But the possibilities of exactly what it could be were staggering. I felt my eyes swim with tears.
"Is he…did he…is he cheating on me?" I choked. "Just tell me, I can take it." It would make sense. I already knew Edward was too good for me, and that I didn't deserve him. I couldn't really wrap my head around it in the first place. Not that I felt myself to be too ugly for him, just that he was too beautiful. The thought that there could be someone else was both suffocating and completely sensible at the same time.
"No, Bella. Don't be ridiculous," she answered. I let out a huge gust of air, and while my heart was not completely settled, I was somewhat pacified.
"What, then?" I pushed. I had been waiting so long to find out what was going wrong. Even though Alice was not skipping around my questions, I felt as though she was. Perhaps I'd left the time bomb ticking too long, and the built up impatience was clouding my vision. Alice shook her head.
"I'm not sure that this is my story to tell. I promised…" She broke off, and her unfinished sentence stirred up my unease.
"Obviously, this affects both of you, Alice. Not just Edward, but you, too. And consequently, it affects me." I knew I sounded selfish, but it was true. Edward still kissed me with enthusiasm and never failed to crawl through my window when I called for him, but the hidden pain that he stashed away behind his eyes still made my insides ache. I ached because I knew that he was hurting, and also because I knew that he wasn't telling me what was hurting him.
"I know," she breathed, sliding into a parking spot. She turned the key, the car silencing as the rain pounded against the roof. She unhooked her seatbelt, but stayed slouched against the leather. "I know. You're right. Maybe I should just tell you. This affects more than just my family, now."
"So it has to do with your entire family?" I prompted. I hadn't seen Emmett enough lately to notice a considerable difference from him, and I wished that I had been more observational. Alice laughed bitterly as she turned to face me, her back against the window.
"Yeah. Pretty much." Something in her face silenced me as she sat there, pondering something. The deep crease in her forehead worried me. The Alice I had met had been much happier than this Alice, and I wanted to know more than anything in the entire world what had changed.
Several moments passed before she spoke.
"Bella, what I am about to tell you…well, it's heavy. If I tell you, you have to keep your mouth shut until Edward decides that it's the right time to tell you, okay?"
"I promise," I nodded. Something tugged at me in my chest, and I wondered if I really wanted to know, after all. It was something I had to pretend like I didn't know, something I had to lie to Edward about. This wasn't something insignificant, I knew that much. Should I just wait for him to tell me himself? As I considered simply being patient, I knew that I would be unable. The truth was so close to me as Alice sat there, preparing her explanation, and I couldn't back away from it. It was like water in a desert—I felt as if I needed it to survive. My relationship needed it.
"Alright, then, here goes," she breathed, drawing in a deep breath before continuing. "It was Monday the week before school started…"
I forgot how to breathe. Or rather, I was breathing without lungs. The sky turned from gray to black as the light in my head turned off, someone taking the outlet away so I couldn't even plug in a lamp.
Alice's face had risen and fell, her cheeks flaming with the color I so often saw on my own face as I looked into a mirror. Her eyes had brimmed over more times than I could count, her mouth turning downward into a scowl as she used her hands to describe every moment since she knew.
She told me of her bedroom and Esme's soup and her thirteenth birthday. She told me of Career Day and her mother and what Edward's face had looked like. She told me of the wood saw and the study door, and she told me of the undeserved confidence that Emmett had in her. She told me of Rose and Emmett, she told me of Jasper and the hold he had on her. She told me of her uncertainty, of her constant fear, and how she didn't want to get dressed in the mornings. She spoke about her childhood and how her brothers had left her out, how she sat alone in her bedroom without anyone else to speak to. She told me about Edward's puppy and his birthday card, the Gucci bag and what her father's face had looked like when she pretended that she hated it. She told me of Esme crying when she thought no one could hear her, how Emmett didn't want her and Jasper together. She told me of Carlisle, how his skin grew thinner and more sallow, how he was dying before her very eyes. She told me how she could hear Edward crying to him, of Edward's unreserved sobs as he choked out the contents of his soul, how Carlisle climbed the stairs to his bedroom almost every night without fail. She told me about her reconciliation with Rose and the inkling of bitterness that she still held for her oldest friend. She told me how she tried, so desperately, to keep it together at school, how she hated the things that she used to love. And lastly, she told me about the big, white house. Edward's sanctuary. The place that he had let me in, the place that he showed me to make up for the truth that he kept. The failure and self-loathing that had consumed his features the day that he had tried to show his only refuge to his father, and had it all slammed back in his face.
The hours had slipped by, night creeping over us as I sat in the warmth of the Volvo, Alice's voice monotonous in contrast to its usual sing-songy tinkling. My brain was heavy, and my chest ached as silent tears slipped from my eyes and over my unmoving lips.
We didn't speak during the drive home. The stillness wasn't uncomfortable, it was understood. We hadn't once gotten out of the car that evening. I wasn't sure how Alice had managed to shove the key into the ignition and motivate herself to drive home, but she somehow was able. I didn't ask to spend the night with her, nor did she invite me, but I knew that I would. I texted Charlie silently as we sped down the highway to Forks, and told him where I'd be. Alice needed me, and I knew.
I knew more than Rosalie. I knew just under, if not exactly what Jasper knew. I knew. And Edward had no idea. Panic shook me to life, striking a match in the darkness of my mind. Terror hummed through my veins as we drove swiftly through the trees to the Cullen house. I knew I couldn't tell him. I wished I had never asked, that I had just been good, quiet Bella, like I usually was, and that I'd kept my mouth shut. Alice could have bossed me around like normal, forcing me to try things on that I would never wear. She would have eventually manipulated me into letting her buy me a sweater, and we could have eaten dinner at a little restaurant before she finally dropped me off. She would have driven home alone, locking herself in her bedroom as she so often did, listening to Carlisle's sighs through the wall.
But here I was. I was next to her, gathering the small amount of strength I had as we silently climbed the steps to her front porch.
I knew Edward would be inside. I wondered where he would be. The image of his young face, crumpled in pain as Carlisle ridiculed his ideas, was crippling. He was so close, somewhere within the house that stood before me, and I wanted him to be. But it was different now. I wanted him, but I knew I couldn't bear to see his face. I wouldn't be able to avoid him. He would wonder what was wrong, and eventually, he would know that Alice told. Alice would be in trouble, and Edward would run from me. The mere thought ate a hole in my chest, and I crossed my arms across my torso to hold myself together.
Alice opened the front door.
The light from the foyer spilled across my face. I blinked as I was suddenly blinded, my eyes adjusting to the brightness. Alice made a beeline for the stairs, guilt exuding from her very being like a dog with his tail between his legs. I hung up my coat on the coat rack, following close behind her. My heart was pounding in my chest as I nearly sprinted up the steps, my chest pulling me towards Edward but knowing that I couldn't see him. I halfway expected for the shame I felt for hiding from him to subside as soon as Alice shut her heavy bedroom door, but I wasn't surprised when it continued to pulse in my ears.
"Where's Edward?" I choked as Alice slung her purse across her desk chair. It was odd, breaking the quietness like that. We still hadn't spoken since we'd left Port Angeles. She perched on the edge of her bed, tossing her cell phone from hand to hand. Hey eyes jolted and jerked, her body nearly humming with dread.
"Probably upstairs. Carlisle and Esme are probably asleep already, and Emmett's 'spending the night with Jasper,'" she answered, making air quotes as she told me Emmett's made-up whereabouts.
"Maybe he won't know I'm here. Maybe he'll think you brought me home," I said frantically, pacing back and forth across the dark wood of her floor.
"He's going to find out, Bella," she countered, speaking as if I were mentally ill. "You can't hide from him in his own house. Just…fake it. Pretend that you know absolutely nothing."
"I can't do that, Alice," I spat, stopping to stare at her dead-on. "I can't act like I don't know what's going on. This is the very biggest part of his life. The most important part. I can't pretend like I don't know what's happening to ease your conscience."
"My conscience?" she gasped, flabbergasted. "You practically begged for me to tell you. I did you a favor. Don't blame this on me, Bella." She crossed her arms across her chest as she stared at her feet, her lip jutting out in a childish pout.
"I'm not," I argued weakly. But I was. I knew that I was intruding in on Edward's mind, the part that he kept hidden from me, and that it wasn't my place. I knew that I'd made a mistake, and I chose to blame it on the only person I knew how to.
It had killed me to hear Alice cry to me as we sat in the parking lot. I felt as if my heart would disconnect, as if it would stutter to a stop to match my dead lungs. As she told me Edward's darkest moments, the moments that had made him who he was, I felt intrusive. Not relieved, or happy, or included as I'd hoped. I pictured his smile, his lips parting to reveal his perfect, white teeth, as he beamed at me with complete adoration. I pictured his grin, his happiness when we were together, as if he were right in front of me. And as Alice continued, his smile in my head faltered, his face growing smaller, until he was suddenly a tiny boy with a tear-streaked face. His smile drooped into a devastating grimace, all of his happiness fading to dust. I knew, from what his sister told me, that I had sparked a new life into Edward, just as he'd done for me. And I had just ruined it, only a few hours ago, with a simple question.
Alice had it so easy, apart from having to deal with her own pain just like Edward was. She was able to tell Jasper, because it was her business to tell. She was able to release it. But I had nothing to do with this. I couldn't run to Edward and cry for him. I couldn't smooth his hair as I had that first Saturday night or tell him that I would be there for him through anything. I would be there, always, but I couldn't tell him that. My heart screamed for him, my insides jumping with throbbing fervor as I considered his crushed spirit. Edward's father was dying. Carlisle was going to die. And everything in Edward's life was crashing and burning…except for me. Alice had told me how I was the only thing that was right in Edward's life. It was melodramatic, and it sounded like song lyrics, but I knew as soon as she said it, after she'd told me everything, that it was possibly true.
As I shook where I stood, the emotions and the knowledge of the past few hours pounding down on my weak shoulders, the thought that had been swimming in my brain became consolidated. I'd considered loving Edward before, but it simply sounded stupid when I whispered it to myself. I love Edward. It was thoughtless and irrational. Before now. Now, the tables were turned. Edward didn't know they were, but I did. Things were different. Death was looming over all of us, and even though I wasn't a Cullen, I was affected. We all were. Edward, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Rose, and me. It was a devastating branch effect. We were all in this together, whether Edward was aware of it or not. And loving him made perfect sense. Loving him was rational. Every kiss he gave, every touch was deepened in my mind now. It held a heavier significance now that I knew what was going on in his head when he was giving those kisses. When he held me in the light of my bedroom, he knew his father was dying. He knew he would have to return to a hollow, loveless home after he crawled down from my window. Every brush of my knuckle, every kiss on my forehead, was completely and one hundred percent significant. He came to me when his room was lonely. My bedroom, up the rope ladder and through the window, was Edward's other big, white house.
So now, instead of laughing at myself as I considered loving Edward, I embraced it. I scolded myself for not realizing it sooner.
Alice sat on her bed without making a sound as I sat in the center of her floor, going over everything I'd learned in my mind. Edward was hurting. And since he was hurting, I was destroyed. I wasn't sure why I felt such extremes. I wasn't one to be a drama queen, but for some reason, I felt the dire need to protect him. I knew, and recognized, the new love in my heart, but it was foreign to me. I pictured Edward at his white house in the woods, his chin quivering as Carlisle shot down every dream he'd had about bringing his father to his favorite place. I could see him in the fifth grade as Esme described paint colors and upholstery fabric to his class as the other boys laughed at him, his face red with shame. I could see Carlisle dismissively patting him on his head, shrugging out the door with only a well, Edward, maybe next year. The idea brought tears to my eyes. I sniffed loudly as I imagined Edward's childhood puppy, fluffy and golden brown. That had been taken away from him, too.
"Why are you crying?"
Alice's soft voice shook me away from my reverie. Her chin rested on her knees, her green eyes swimming with emotion. I shook my head, sucking my bottom lip in between my teeth. She smiled sadly as she waited for me to answer.
"I have to tell him, Alice."
"I know. You're right." Her voice shook, her words coming out in such low whispers that I almost couldn't hear her. "Can you at least wait until tomorrow?"
"I don't think I can." I couldn't. Because he was upstairs, and I couldn't stay in Alice's room, listening to his footsteps, with the weight of my guilt on my chest. It would kill him to know that I knew. His last shot at normality would be ruined. I was the only person in his world that he was close to who didn't know. And rather than feeling offended or left out, I understood. People don't treat one another the same way when they know each other's circumstances.
In life, people are rude. They say and do whatever they want because they don't see one another as real human beings. But once you realize someone's situation, once you take the time to look at someone's life and recognize their hardships, your feelings change for them. When I was six, a girl in my first grade class named Olivia Johnson would throw my sandwich on the ground every day at lunch and stomp on it. She would kick and stamp and butcher my ham sandwich unremittingly as I watched, my muscles locked helplessly. Day after day, I would lie to my mother about my lunch, telling her how delicious my sandwich had been, despite the fact that it was merely mush beneath Olivia Johnson's sneakers. But one day, for the first time that year, she didn't come to my lunch table. She stayed in her chair, her head down, as I ate my sandwich in confusion. I later found out that Olivia was told that my mother and father had recently divorced, and she felt bad for me. I was no longer a prop, a pawn that she could knock over for fun. I was a person. It was like kicking a dying animal--it was unethical.
And this was how Edward would look at the situation. Even if I didn't change my treatment towards him, even if my level of affection remained constant, he would warp my actions in his mind. He would see me as going above and beyond, more attentive because I knew his father was dying. He would see it as special treatment. I would alienate him. He would be embarrassed, and hurt. He would run.
And I couldn't handle that. I needed him. I was different, but still, very much the same. I needed Edward like he was a lifeline. Over the past two months, he had become a staple in my life, a fixture, something I relied on. From that very first day, even before I knew I loved him, even before he even liked me, I had needed him. My heart still fluttered when he smiled at me, my cheeks warming when he took my hand. I couldn't live without it. It was foolish, and juvenile, but I could not live without Edward Cullen.
He lied to me, day after day, to protect me. He kept his ghosts inside of him. It may have helped him to release them, to tell me everything. It would have given him a level of peace, having me know. But he didn't, because he cared about me. Alice had told me that he didn't want me to know about Carlisle because he didn't want any of his sadness placed on me. He wanted me to be happy. So he bit his tongue, he swallowed everything back, to keep me oblivious. Not because he didn't think I could handle it, but because he was strong enough to do it all on his own.
So I knew that he was more comfortable keeping secrets from me. That was obvious, otherwise, he would have told already. I knew he would be happier if he was oblivious. But our relationship would undoubtedly fail if the weight of my guilt stood in our way. I needed to tell him, to be less selfish.
"Be careful with him," Alice said without inflection. "He doesn't even have a chance at happiness if he thinks something's wrong between the two of you."
"I'm sorry, Alice. I'm sorry I made you tell me. I promise, I'll make it right. I'll make sure he's not mad at you. I'm sorry."
"Don't say that," she choked. "It's not your fault. You didn't make me tell you anything. Just…be careful with him," she repeated. Concern was splashed across her face as I turned to reach for the doorknob.
The climb to the third floor was excruciating, like my skin was burning, or like I was having open-heart surgery with no anesthetic. Every step I took, the same words echoed in my head.
Be careful with him, be careful with him, be careful with him.
Edward's face throbbed in my mind. The shift between his seventeen-year-old crooked grin to his eight-year-old agony was devastating as it played over and over again, the sounds of Alice's warning pulsing like music to a film. But somehow, I made it to the top landing, the light coming from beneath his bedroom door pulling me towards him.
I had never been inside of Edward's bedroom. After over seven weeks together and his countless trips to my house late at night, it was still a mystery. His room to me was a lesser version of his feelings about Carlisle's study. It was foreign and frightening, but I wanted in more than anything. That first night at the Cullens, I had tried to follow him. But he'd pushed me away, insisting that Carlisle would be coming up, and that I couldn't be there. I spent the night with Alice often, but I usually met with Edward in the hallway after Alice went to sleep or in Emmett's bedroom, back in the red vinyl beanbags. It was ironic that as I hesitated in the short hallway leading to his door, I was going to tell him that I had filched the truth right out of his own sister's mouth. That I had cheated, that I had stolen his truth from him because I was too impatient to wait for him to tell me on his own. It was bittersweet, that I was finally going to experience the room I'd wondered about so often, and that I would probably never get to see it again after that moment.
I needed Edward. I needed him. But I couldn't keep the truth. I knew I was a terrible liar; he was always able to call out my bluffs and white lies while we were just hanging out together. He'd laugh and kiss my knuckles as I blushed, telling me what an awful liar I was. But this was sickeningly different. It was life-or-death, and I knew that even though I couldn't be without him, I had to tell him. I had known him for such a short while, and the need was still thick and intense, binding me to wherever he was. If I let this build, let the guilt and the lying continue, I would be in too far. I wouldn't be able to tell him. Our relationship would be built on a lie, right from the beginning. Our foundation was barely finished, and I would ruin it from the start. When our house built of rotten wood eventually collapsed, he would resent me more than ever. He would hate me more than if I just told him. It might kill me, but I needed it. He needed it.
My hand shook as I grasped the doorknob, the metal rattling in my palm as I gave a swift knock with my other knuckle. I pushed the door open before he could respond, my eyes wide and unblinking as I prepared myself for what I might find.
It was a bedroom. Palatial, like the rest of his house, but comparatively simple. His carpet was a lush gold, with simple white walls connecting to a ceiling that was lower than the others on the second and first floor. The four posts of his dark, wooden bed stretched tall, a black leather couch directly across from it against an enormous, glass window. He had shelves of books and CDs, a giant Bose speaker resting on a glass desk by the doorway I stood in. The window by his bed was open, smoke rising from an ashtray on the windowsill. His desk light was on, throwing soft light across the room, his sheets messy and knotted. His room was plain, yet interesting as I walked slowly into it, leaving the door open behind me. The only thing missing was…well, Edward.
I looked around for him, my nerves building as I stood alone. I felt like a thief stealing from a home in broad daylight, despite the darkness that encompassed the Cullen house as the moon struggled to shine through blanketing of trees. The blowing curtains that framed the open window made me jump, a small yelp escaping my throat as I clasped a hand over my mouth.
"Bella?"
His low voice cracked my defenses and caused my dead heart to drop into my stomach. I spun around to meet his brilliant green eyes, my hand still clasped over my mouth.
"Edward?" I asked stupidly, my voice high-pitched and cracking.
He chuckled nervously. "Um, yeah? This is my room, after all…"
"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't, um, I shouldn't be here…"
"Stop fucking stuttering, Bella," he grinned. "We're over that, remember?" He passed me to sprawl across his messy bed, folding his arms behind his head as he looked at me. "Besides, I don't mind if you come up here. I just had no idea that you were even here in the first place. At the house, I mean."
"Yeah," I said quietly. "Alice and I drove to Port Angeles after school today. She told me I could just stay here tonight." I looked down at my feet, my head drowning in the thought of what I had to say to him.
"Makes sense," he shrugged. "So what did you guys do there?"
God, he was making this hard. I couldn't even look at his face as his waited for me to respond. This was terrible. I wanted to sprint away and down the stairs. I wanted to ask Alice to drive me home and to never come out of my room again. I would take away the ladder so Edward couldn't come through the window, and I would hide the truth forever. I felt like I had the first day of school when Jessica Stanley tried to nudge me out of my chair. Insecure, incapable, a failure.
"What's going on, Bell?" Edward asked softly when I didn't answer. Finally, I glanced up to meet the rolling grass of his eyes. And just then, as he sat up to stare at me with worry crumpling his features, I made a hasty and poorly thought-out decision.
I wouldn't tell him. I had climbed the stairs, determined that he had to know that I knew. I was certain that it was necessary. All arrows pointed to telling him the honest truth. It made sense, and it was right. But there was absolutely no way that I could tell him now. Maybe, in fair time, I would be able. But I would have to build our house with rotting wood for now, doubling up on planks as I nailed the foundation into place, hoping that the roof wouldn't cave in. I would deal with it as it came, but I was beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that I would shoulder the remorse for lying to him, even if it hurt him later. Even if it was unforgivable.
He wouldn't be able to take it. His heart was already broken, destroyed, and it was only because of me that it continued to beat. I hadn't known that before Alice told me, but now I knew it, as sure as the sky and the ground beneath my feet. I could handle the pain, even though I told myself I couldn't, because my heart was in much, much better shape than his. I could save him, if only just this once. Because he saved me every day of my life, and I owed it to him. Even if it shattered him later, his soul would be in better condition.
So, since I couldn't be honest, I would tell him the next best thing that my heart had to offer.
"I need to talk to you, Edward," I told him, my voice thickening beneath my sudden realization. Although my sacrifice was feeble in comparison to those that Edward made in order to keep me happy, I had to try.
He reached out his arms, inviting me. I walked quickly to close the space between us, collapsing into his hold and drinking in the sweet smell of his t-shirt as he wrapped his arms around me tightly. He buried his face in my hair, rubbing his cheek against the top of my head as I breathed deeply against his chest.
We lay there in silence, the smell of cigarettes and Edward infiltrating my thoughts as I fought against the impending doom that I felt in my chest. The silence made me edgy. I knew what I would have to do. I wouldn't tell him that I knew his secret now, but it would happen soon enough. All I knew was that I loved him, and although my recent grief had brought it on, it was still infinite. It was true. We were both keeping truths from one another, but it didn't matter anymore.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Edward asked, leaning in to plant a soft kiss on the edge of my jaw. Now he really wasn't making this easy. Sure, I'd grown accustomed to his penetrating green eyes and I was already used to the sharp architecture of his face. But, despite the recent events, my breath still hitched in my throat and my eyes still rolled back into my head a little every time he touched me.
"Edward," I whispered shakily, "this is serious." He laughed at me, moving his lips to my neck. It was torture. He continued to skim over my skin with his teeth so lightly that I almost couldn't feel him. "Edward," I said, more firmly this time. Finally, he glanced up at me.
"What is it?" His face was concerned, a crease forming between his eyes. He reached up to cradle my face in his calloused palms.
I know. I know everything. I'm here for you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made Alice tell me, instead of waiting for you. I'm sorry that I've cheated you out of your own life. I love you, but not enough to be patient.
I knew the words, but I couldn't say them.
I hoped, with every fiber of my being, that he wouldn't push me away. But I was absolutely sure that I loved him, even though we'd only been seeing each other for not even two months. When I looked past his obvious beauty, I still loved everything else about him without his skin and bones and ligaments. It sounded stupid, but it was true. I loved Edward Cullen's soul. I loved his heart, and his spectacular mind, and that way that he could mouth the words to my favorite chick flicks even though he claimed to loathe them. I loved the ideas he came up with, and that way that he held me close when I most needed him to. So there was no logical reason that Edward would push me away. I could see it all in my head as he held my cheeks between his hands gingerly. I would be strong for him no matter what happened. He wouldn't love me in return, because it was too soon, but eventually, he would. I would love him under his circumstance, prematurely but rationally, and he would soon follow after. This thought alone motivated me to answer his question.
"Edward," I repeated softly, hesitating slightly, "I…I love you." As soon as I spoke the words, I knew how absolute they were. I had realized my feelings not even an hour earlier, but I felt as if we suddenly had only so much time left to us. His eyes swam with a certain brilliancy that I couldn't name, a trail of heat following his thumb as he stroked it across my cheekbone.
"Jesus, Bell," he chuckled quietly, licking his bottom lip. "I love you too. As irrational and impulsive as it sounds, it's fucking true." Curve ball. His words were certain, as if it was a relief to him to suddenly have them off his chest. Had Edward been in love with me all along? My heart jumped foolishly as I fought back tears. Normally, I would have been elated. Awkward, tense Bella would have stammered out a poorly articulated expression of happiness, but instead, I felt uneasy. This was so not Edward. It was gushy and sappy and stupid and I was willing to bet that if I was some other girl and not myself, that Edward would not have to profess his love to me like he was Fabio on a romance novel cover.
"You don't have to say it if you don't mean it," I said, looking to the floor. I didn't deserve his love in return, and I knew it. He nudged my chin up with the heel of his palm, forcing me to meet his eyes.
"I mean it, Bella. With everything I have."
There was no way I was telling him that I knew. No fucking way, because he was too good for that. I wasn't going to tear his heart open just to prove to myself that he loved me with the same intensity that I felt for him, and then rip the rug from underneath him. I love you, Edward, because I know your dad is dying. Hell, no. It was wrong, and it was cruel, even though it was untrue. I would love the kid even if Carlisle were in perfect condition, no matter what, one hundred percent. I might love him without realizing it, but maybe it was a good thing that I knew now. Because Edward Cullen was in love with me, even though I was terrible. I would love him even if his life was sunny and perfect, even if I did laugh to myself when I spoke it into existence. And I hoped that when the time came for me to tell him that I knew, he would understand that.
Before I could speak, Edward's lips were on mine, my tears falling noiselessly over my parted lips. He must have assumed that they were happy tears, because he wiped them away thoughtlessly and continued to kiss me as if I were completely blameless.
dude,
i'm like..panicking right now. bella is in a fucking pickle. and even
though i eventually know what happens, it still scares the shit out
of me. haha. the last part of this chapter was written at the same
time as the first chapter, so i hope it fit well. bella flip flops a
lot in this chapter, and although to some of you it might be a little
annoying, it was logical. she is really confused, here. she doesn't
know what to do, and she is terrified. she still has basically no
friends, and she could easily lose the only one she loves. to clarify
any questions, bella does love edward, but she was too afraid and
nervous and just plain awkward to recognize it. but knowing the truth
put things into perspective for her. she was shocked when she learned
that edward loved her too, because she didn't expect it. she didn't
really consider what his reaction would be, because she was so
worried about everything going on in her head. it's going to get
tough, because now that her feelings are returned, she has so much to
worry about. she could handle possibly hurting him before, but now
that she knows he loves her too...yikes.
let me know what you
think! reviews make me happy, and happiness brings more chapters. you
guys fucking rock.
