A/N: i'm back! thanks for all the awesome reviews. sorry i'm doing so much EPOV. i was going to split this B/E but i went in a completely different direction than i'd first intended. also, i apologize for all of the typos. i didn't edit this chap before posting, so now it's all better :)
song: night terror by laura marling
Sometimes life doesn't make sense.
Shit happens, and you move on.
That's what I had to keep telling myself every time she crept into my thoughts, every time I saw her hollow brown eyes staring back at me.
I hated myself for the things that I said to her. They were hurtful, and angry, and so untrue that I wanted to hit myself. Someone once said that pride comes before a fall. And it was definitely fucking true. The whole problem with Bella was that I was proud. The whole thing with Carlisle and Bella was because of my pride. I was too stubborn to tell her, like I probably should have, and I was too proud to admit my complete vulnerability to her. And in the end, I got…well, I got nothing. I got Bella's tears, a smack in the face, and a nice view of the back of her head as she ran from my bedroom.
Whenever I closed my eyes, I always saw hers staring back at me. But now, things were different. Worse, even. Because every time my eyes were closed, even if for just half a second, not only did I see the deep brown caverns of Bella's irises, but I also saw her right after I pushed her out of my life. She'd stared at me for one silent minute before tugging on her clothes, wiping the hot, messy tears from beneath her eyes with the back of her hand as she stumbled through my doorway. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen, and I tried to push the pity I felt for her away to the back of my mind as I turned my head away from her.
"Goodbye, Edward," she'd whispered hoarsely before shutting my door quietly. My mind was racing over the last hour, my throat raw with disgust as I thought of what happened. Bella was gone, and she wasn't coming back.
I had no idea why I did it. I didn't know why I'd yelled at her, why I'd called her a slut when she so obviously wasn't, why I'd screamed at her for knowing when a part of me already knew that she had. It was sort of like a knee-jerk reaction, a moment of complete and naked fury in the midst of my shame. I was ashamed. I let Bella have sex with me, again, even though she obviously wasn't ready for it. She never fucking was. It made me so furious with myself, so disgusted, that I wanted to just lay in a hole for a while. I could come out after Carlisle was dead, and after Bella had moved on. Everyone would be healed, and I could just be alone and away from everyone while they mended so I couldn't fuck up anything more than I already had.
I was still pissed at Bella. I gave her five hundred thousand chances to just fucking tell me and she didn't. I still didn't know if she really loved me, and that was enough to make my chest ache. I loved her. I loved her so much that it hurt me, and I fucked that up, too. I made her weak and dependent instead of helping her, and it was natural for her to resent me. As much as I knew that I should hate her, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't. It was impossible, it was consuming, and it was fucking annoying.
I used Bella, and I threw her away. And now there was no getting her back. So what did that leave me?
I knew Carlisle sensed something different in the air. He and Esme returned from Illinois that Thursday, and rather than coming upstairs to ask me why I was being such a recluse, he'd sent me a text message asking if there was anything at all that I needed.
Nothing, don't come up here, I'd responded. He didn't reply to that.
He never asked why I stayed home for the rest of the week, or why I didn't come to dinner when Esme called. He didn't ask why I didn't leave for the rest of the weekend, or why I neglected to go to school the following Monday. I was being a whiny little bitch, and I was thankful that Emmett and Alice failed to nag me about it. I would lie on the right side of my four-posted bed, staring at the wall and trying as hard as I could not to blink too often. Sleep eventually consumed me, and there was no avoiding that. I had so many thoughts racing through my mind that it was dizzying.
Carlisle still climbed the steps without fail since he and Esme returned from Chicago. It was so unlike him, so consistent, that I wished he had more to come up the stairs to. I could have counted on one hand the nights that he avoided me to stay in his study, and more often times than not were nights I was with Bella. But he still came. I heard him enter almost silently, only the click of the door shutting indicating his presence. I assumed that Bella told Alice everything. Carlisle seemed to know as well, because not once did he speak. Every night for the rest of the week, he lowered himself quietly onto the leather couch and sat there, breathing evenly for just over an hour before exiting as quietly as he came.
I wanted to shout at him to leave. I hated being such a pussy, such a coward, hiding in my room like Alice had after Esme told her what was happening to us all. I hated it, but I needed it as well. I couldn't even think of facing what I knew was inevitable. I couldn't take looking at Bella in the eyes, remembering the words I had said and the venom in her voice as she tried to prove her capability. I wanted to tell my father to get out, to let me wallow until I was spent and had no choice but to endure another seven-hour school day. But I couldn't, because a part of me—if only a small part—knew that his presence was comforting. I knew that he was concerned, and that he wanted to be up there with me even if I wasn't speaking to anybody. For the first time in a long time, I felt like Carlisle cared. I felt like he wanted to be around me, like I wasn't some sort of inconvenience to him. Through my pain and regret, I felt a warmth in my stomach that maybe everything could be okay. If Carlisle could live through this, if he could fight through the cancer that was taking him, everything would be okay. The first night he left, I turned to my closed door as soon as I heard him shut the door behind him. The steaming bowl of soup left on my side table was enough to tell me that maybe my father had cared all along.
*
Having a twin sister in mostly all of my classes was definitely a perk. On Tuesday afternoon, I was able to borrow Esme's car to take all of my missed work in after school, carefully avoiding any sight of a red, ancient Chevy. I felt stupid for avoiding her—she was just a tiny, one hundred and ten-pound girl. But those eyes…those eyes alone would be enough the wrap the Mercedes around a tree and send me through a windshield. An ordinary, 1950s Chevy would be enough to cause hazard with my nearly perfect driving skills.
My teachers were decently nice about the whole extended absence thing, handing me any extra assignments with sympathetic eyes and telling me to get better soon. Alice had conjured some bullshit about the flu, and I guess they all seemed to believe it. My eyes had deep enough shadows below them to pass as illness.
I drove home steadily, the consistent rain pounding against the sunroof as I turned into my driveway. Emmett's Jeep sat in front of the house rather than in the garage, the Volvo parked beside it. I wondered briefly why Em wasn't at Rose's or Alice as Jasper's like they normally would be after school, and almost immediately I became nervous. My palms began to sweat as I ran through the rain to the porch, my eyebrows knitting together as I pushed open the front door.
"Carlisle? Esme? Is everyone okay?" I called from the foyer, my eyes flickering around the den for my family.
"In here, Edward," I heard Alice call from the kitchen, and immediately I let out the breath I'd been holding. Her tone was relaxed, and I realized that everything was alright. At least for now.
My family was seated at the round kitchen table, all four of them. They were looking at me with pointed stares, even Emmett sitting calmly as concern painted his features. Relief washed over me as I saw that Carlisle was among them, safe for the moment rather than on the verge of death as I thought he would be when I saw all of my family's cars parked outside the house.
"What's going on?" I asked quietly as I stopped in the doorway, shoving my hands nervously in my jacket pockets. I was the only one in the dark, and I immediately put up my defenses. This was too familiar. This felt to much like what had already happened, what had been happening for just over a week now.
"Sit down, Ed," Emmett muttered, pushing out a chair beside him. I cringed slightly as the wooden legs screeched against the tile, and reluctantly crossed to floor to sit between Esme and my brother.
"What's going on?" I repeated, shifting awkwardly in my seat. Carlisle shot a reassuring glance at me from across the table, his eyes drooping slightly beneath his brow. I tried to keep my eyes away from the top of his head, ripping away from his stare and glancing down at the tabletop. Esme grabbed my hand beneath the table. My stomach churned although there was nothing in it to start with, and my throat closed up with anxiousness. This whole thing was obviously about me.
"Well, Edward, I suppose that since for the last few months you've been completely and blatantly honest with me, I might as well do you the same favor," Carlisle said firmly, clasping his hands in front of him. Alice's phone went off just then, and Esme shot her a threatening stare before she set it on the table with an apologetic look.
"Elaborate, please," I said sternly, looking around the table to each of their faces. Carlisle drew in a deep breath.
"Look, son. Don't be offended or angry with any of us. We're all here to tell you that…well, we're all…we're all concerned." He straightened his collar against his neck, clearing his throat nervously.
"Concerned?" I asked stupidly, narrowing my eyes. "About what exactly?"
"I guess I mean to say that you've more or less closed yourself off from us, and we all know what's going on. I've let you sit up in your room for almost a week and a half now without question, and we're all getting sort of tired of it," Carlisle admitted sheepishly, his blue eyes softening. I opened my mouth to spit out an insult, but snapped it closed as I realized that he was probably right. My family was being sort of amazing about the whole thing, leaving me alone for such a long expanse of time just as I'd wanted. I wanted to get defensive, but my problem was that I had nothing to defend myself with.
"I guess you're right," I murmured, watching as Esme's eyes widened.
"Gosh," she breathed, "I'm surprised you're not starting an argument over this, Edward. I thought you'd be more…unreasonable. Otherwise, we wouldn't have staged this little intervention of sorts."
"Damn," Emmett sighed. "And to think I could be somewhere else right now." Alice smacked him firmly on the back of the head with a disapproving sneer. "What?" he asked foolishly. "What did I say?" Alice ignored him, shaking her head.
"Emmett, language," Carlisle chastised, turning back to me. "Now, back on subject. This is something I think I have to put my foot down over. I know that just recently, you and I have…reestablished our relationship. I know that you don't owe me any favors, but I'm still your father and you're still my son." He paused for a beat, shifting awkwardly in his seat. "Edward…I…we're all here for you. We've been dealt a rough hand, and we're going to live with it. But we're all here. Don't feel like you need to hide from us anymore, because we want to help you. And I think that I speak for all of us when I say that we're well-equipped to handle dealing with tragedy." He choked out one dry laugh.
I swallowed back a lump in my throat, a sudden wave of anger coming over me.
"I appreciate all this, Dad, but I can't exactly agree with you."
"What do you mean by that?" he asked, trying to keep his voice smooth. I turned to Emmett, who was still beside me, and to Alice who was seated next to him.
"Well," I began, "all false pretenses excluded, I'm sort of fucking put out with you two." Alice's eyebrows shot up, and I heard Esme gasp.
"Who, me?" Emmett asked at the same time Alice squealed, "What did I do?"
Fuck. I didn't really want to do this. It had been in the back of my mind for almost two months now, kicking my brain around like a damn soccer ball. I didn't want to be there at the table, my family sitting around me with concerned faces like I was some sort of alcoholic on fucking A&E.
"I don't want to talk about this right now," I said stubbornly. "Can't this wait?"
"No, son," Carlisle answered. "I don't think it can."
Once again, he was right. It was just as good of any time as ever, and I knew that I needed to take advantage of it.
"You honestly don't know?" I asked, my voice squeaking. Damn it.
Emmett shrugged, his bulging shoulders lifting up to his earlobes as Alice continued to stare at me with an open mouth.
"Jesus, people. I didn't know I'd have to fucking spell it out for you." I raked a hand through my hair, pulling through the tangles with my fingertips.
"Language, Edward," Carlisle reprimanded softly.
"Ever since this…situation happened, we've all been on the same page," I continued, ignoring him. "We've all found our common ground, and we're all working through the same thing. Alice, you always hated how Emmett and me always left you out. You always got mad when we didn't let you play with us, remember? And Emmett, you were always jealous that Al and I are twins. You felt excluded because you didn't have one, too, and you were upset that you had to have a birthday all alone when me and Alice had each other, right?" Emmett frowned at his recollection, Alice sighing and putting her cheek into her palm.
"Emmett, I was always jealous of you and Dad. I was mad that he always liked you better, always treated you better because you were his first son. I got jealous that he gave you an internship and not me. And Alice…Mom talks to you. She bonds with you differently than she ever could with me or Em. And Dad fucking worships you. I know you don't realize it, but it's true. So here we are, all fucking envying each other." I wrung my fingers nervously below the table as Carlisle looked on with sadness in his eyes.
"Edward, I never knew you felt that way," Carlisle said quietly, his eyes falling to his lap. "I mean, I suppose I did, but I thought we'd moved past this."
"Just let me finish," I piped up, realizing that I had to speak my claim before fucking up just one more thing to add to my list. "I'm not saying any of this shit to make anyone feel sorry for me or make anyone pissed off. I'm just saying that before all of this happened, we were all just mad at each other. Alice, you were mad because I was always going through your shit and telling Jasper about that thing with Mike Newton and stuff. And Emmett, we were always close, but there was still that barrier between us because I felt second best to you. Jesus, I sound like a pussy. But after we all found out about Dad…it's kind of like…I dunno, gravity moved or something like that. It's hard to explain. Suddenly, there wasn't competition between us. We were all wallowing in self-pity, all of us dealing with our shit both separately and together at the same time. It sucked, yeah, but at least we were equals."
"We still are, Edward," Alice argued, her eyes narrowing into slits. "What, do you think that my life is all sunshine and rainbows? If that's what you think, then you need a lobotomy."
"You're not getting it, Alice!" I hissed through clenched teeth, tugging my hand away from my mother's. Alice was being a bitch, her eyes flitting to her damned cell phone every two seconds, and I was trying to make a point. "Don't try and make it sound like I'm the only one who thought things got better between us. I mean, you got Jasper, and Em got Rose. And I got…" I struggled to say the name out loud. "I got Bella. I mean…I don't have her anymore. But I used to. And things got better." I sucked in a shaky breath, and Esme's hand slipped back into mine.
"But then, something changed. I don't know what, but suddenly, you guys weren't around anymore. I don't know what it was, but all of the sudden, you were depending on them more than we depended on each other. I…I'm...I'm not trying to get pity or sympathy. But what I'm trying to say is that I couldn't tell Bella. Bella didn't know. So I had nothing." I paused again to take another breath, trying to steady my shaking voice. "But she knows now, and I guess that's over. Fuck, I sound stupid. Please don't get me wrong—I'm glad that we all had other people to talk to about everything. I had Bella, but it would have been nice to have both of you, too."
We all sat in utter silence before anyone spoke again. My chest rose and fell violently.
"God, Ed," Emmett muttered. His voice was filled with emotion, fat tears rolling down his broad cheeks. I hadn't seen Emmett cry since we were very small, not even through everything that had been happening. The sight of him, with his cheeks flushed and hot tears slipping from his jaw, scared me. I stared at him with wide eyes as he sputtered. "I am so sorry, Edward." He lowered his head into his hands, propping his elbows up on the table. I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
Emmett choked out a few sobs before attempting to pull himself back together, blinking away the tears as he pulled his fingers through his dark hair. "I am so sorry," he repeated. "I should have been here for you, I should have--,"
"That's another thing," I interrupted. "I'm fucked up right now, I get it. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here. I've been moping around all week like I'm dying or something. We've all said that we need to grow up. We keep saying it and saying it and nothing's fucking changing. We still act like we're little kids, feeling sorry for ourselves. Jesus, I'm having like, a fucking epiphany right now." My eyes widened as I collected my bearings, realizing what my subconscious mind had just revealed. "We need to stop blaming ourselves," I said quietly, thinking the sentence over in my head as the truth consolidated itself. "We need to stop blaming ourselves," I repeated. "This…this isn't our fault."
This isn't my fault.
"This is my fault, Edward. I left you behind. I swore to myself that I wouldn't." Emmett hiccupped loudly, turning to Carlisle. "I swore to you that I would be strong for you, for everybody. But I messed up. I messed up bad."
Carlisle smiled sadly, scratching the side of his head where his hair used to be. "Emmett, I have never been more proud of you then I am right now. You haven't let me down, not in any way, shape, or form." The two of them looked at each other for a moment, the admiration in Carlisle's eyes burning into the yearning of Emmett's.
I heard Esme make some weird gurgling sound, and turned to see that she too was crying. Great.
"Sorry," she choked, smiling slightly. "I don't mean to get all emotional. But I'm a mother, and this is the sort of Hallmark thing that all mothers love to see." I squeezed her hand, laughing in spite of the intensity of the moment.
"I love you, man," Emmett blubbered, wrapping one, huge arm around my neck and squeezing me. "Anytime you need me, I promise I'll be here." I knew he meant it, but I wanted to save that conversation for later when it was just the two of us.
"Can't…breathe…" I choked, desperately trying to lighten the mood. He released me, chuckling gently as Esme and Carlisle joined in.
"Edward," Alice piped up, her face still hard. "I understand that you've just had a come-to-Jesus moment, but this still doesn't fix things with Bella." Ah, Team Bella.
Swan-1. Cullen-0.
"Why thanks for the helpful reminder, Dear Sister," I spat, tearing my hand away from my mother's. The sound of Emmett blowing his nose noisily into a napkin broke the tension, but only for an instant.
"What's going on with that, Edward?" Carlisle asked softly, a crease forming in his forehead. "I suppose that that's the whole reason we're here in the first place."
I cleared my throat, the lump forming once again in my throat. My chest tightened, the feelings of assurance and progress of the last several minutes leaving as swiftly as they came.
"It's, uh…It's over." The words lingered in the air, hollow, true, and unwavering.
"Has she called? Texted? Anything?" Esme's voice was colored with concern. She loved Bella almost as much as she loved seeing me happy, and it had worked out perfectly for her when the first was the reason for the latter.
"Nope," Alice answered for me. I wanted to smack her. "She hasn't spoken to him at all since last Monday, and I don't think that she intends to."
"So you're talking to her?" I growled, anger building.
"Well, yeah, Edward. She told me everything. Just because you can't handle adult situations doesn't mean I can't be friends with her anymore." I had a brief daydream of jumping over Emmett's lap and strangling her or cutting holes in one of her precious handbags or some shit like that.
"Wow, Alice, that's cute. I love how civil and reasonable you're being, especially since you're the one who fucking told her in the first place."
"Edward, language!" Carlisle scolded for what seemed like the fiftieth time in ten minutes. "And Alice, what is he talking about?" His blonde eyebrows furrowed, his formerly sad eyes hardening.
"Nothing," Alice muttered, crossing her arms over her chest childishly. Emmett blew his nose again. Esme uncrossed her legs, picking invisible lint from her blouse awkwardly.
"Bullshit," I spat. "Bull-fucking-shit."
"You don't know anything!" Alice hollered, shoving out of her seat. "You have your head shoved too far up your own ass to know anything at all!"
"Chill, Alice," Emmett ordered, putting a hand on her shoulder and pushing her back into her chair.
"Oh, yeah? I don't know anything?" I challenged. "It doesn't sound so complicated to me. Bella asked, you spilled. You promised you wouldn't tell, and when I asked you if you had, you said—wait, no, you promised—that you hadn't. You're a snitch, Alice. You're the main reason that I'm so fucked up right now."
Alice opened her mouth to yell before Carlisle held up a hand between us. "Stop, stop, stop." He ordered. "We're not going to scream at one another, because that's not why we're here. We're here because we were worried about you, Edward, and we're going to speak like civilized people. Alice, you will not yell at your brother. And Edward, if you say the word 'fuck,' 'shit,' or 'damn' one more time, I'm taking the Volvo away."
I snapped my mouth shut as Emmett chuckled softly, sniffling.
"Alright?" Carlisle asked when neither of us argued. I nodded stiffly.
"Sure, whatever," Alice grumbled, rolling her eyes.
"Okay," Carlisle said, extracting his palm from between us, "then continue."
I was the first to break the ice, naturally.
"Okay, Alice. Let's start off this civilized, polite conversation by asking why the f—sorry, Carlisle. I meant to say, why the heck you felt so inclined to tell Bella all of my business?" My fingers clenched the edge of the table as I fought the urge to choke a bitch.
"It's not just your business, Edward. Technically, it's mine, too. And Bella had the right to know." She sniffed condescendingly, flipping her phone open to read some stupid fucking text message because she knew it would piss me off. "Honestly, you can't be mad at me," she continued. "She would find out eventually."
"No!" I hollered, standing to my feet and scooting my chair out from under me with a loud scrape. "No, no, no! You don't know what you're talking about, Alice! You telling her about Dad ruined everything! Every single thing I've been working for is completely messed up now."
"Oh yeah?" she snapped. "What happened to your little none of this is any of our faults speech? Maybe you should learn to practice what you preach, dick wad."
"Edward, you hadn't already told her?" Carlisle asked. I ignored him as if he hadn't spoken.
"Well maybe you should learn to listen instead of just buying clothes and having phone sex with your little boyfriend, Alice," I retorted, my voice cracking. "If you'd been listening, you would have known that I was talking about not blaming ourselves for Dad being sick, not about my relationship problems."
"Your relationship?" she laughed. "Technically, Edward, you don't have one of those anymore."
Her statement hit me like a block of cement. I fell silent, mentally cursing myself for crumbling so easily beneath her words. But they were true, and I knew it. Bella wasn't with me anymore. It didn't matter now that Alice told her, because it was irrevocable. It happened, and I couldn't change it. Bella was gone, and all the fucking blaming couldn't change that.
Alice fumed for a few minutes, her breathing returning to normal. My gaze remained in my lap, my chest heavy.
"I'm sorry," she whispered after a few moments more. "I shouldn't have said that."
"S'okay," I replied. "It's true, I guess."
"I know. But that still doesn't make it okay."
Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett remained perfectly silent. Only the sound of Emmett's sniffling and the feel of Esme's hand around my wrist reminded me that there were other people in the room other than Alice and I.
"Even if you hadn't told her, she would still have to find out eventually," I said, sighing. I looked up from my lap to Alice, her chin quivering and her green eyes filled with tears. I was just making everyone cry, apparently.
"But I still should have been patient and asked you first. I should have respected you enough to…God, Edward, I'm sorry. I suck." She pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around them tightly.
"Yeah, you're right. You do suck," I snickered, ducking slightly to avoid her flying ballet flat as she tossed it at my head. "So I guess you and I are back to throwing shoes, huh?"
"Duty calls," she laughed, waving her other shoe in her hand and straightening in her chair. "But, in all seriousness, is there any way that we can, like, start over? Like, can we go back to when you still did me favors and we still talked when we drove to school?"
"Yeah, I think I can arrange something," I said, smiling crookedly. "Just…don't do anything like that again, okay? Because I'm willing to forgive you now, but you're on probation. I'm still mad as hell."
"I promise," she swore. "And I won't break this one this time." We looked at each other for a few beats as my parents watched us with content.
"Do you want to talk about what happened, Edward?" Carlisle asked. "Between you and Bella, I mean. Alice told us the gist, but only enough details to get us off your case for the week." That had been because of Alice? Maybe I owed her more than I thought.
"Honestly," I began, "not really. I just need to figure shit out on my own, Dad."
He decided to let my choice word slip before nodding in approval. "If that's what you think is best." Esme's rubbed my wrist once more with her thumb before pushing out of her chair.
"I think you'd all agree when I say that this has been emotionally toiling, to say the least." She smoothed her caramel-colored hair with her palm, checking for any smeared mascara with the other hand. "To sum it all up, Edward, we're sticking together from now on. Things are just going to get a little harder, and we needed this."
"We did," Carlisle agreed. "We did."
"You're okay, right Dad?" Emmett squeaked, leaning forward slightly.
"For right now, I'm doing well. It's tough, sure, but we'll talk all about it later. Right now, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and all my kids are sorting things out. I can't really complain." He smiled, the grin touching his eyes. "But, Edward, is everything okay with you now? We didn't mean to ambush you, honestly. We were just-,"
"Concerned," I interrupted. "I get it. And no, not everything is okay, but I feel like things are starting to work out. Even if stuff with Bella doesn't work out, which I highly doubt it will, I need to try and find something else to think about." I could feel my face fall, and I knew that I was trying too hard to be nonchalant. The thought of being without Bella was crippling, and I knew that even though things would definitely not be better, I had to pretend like they would be.
"Remember what I said when I told you we'd all be here. I meant that."
"I know."
He watched me for the briefest second before following Esme out of the kitchen, leaving me with my brother and sister. Emmett drew in a deep breath, glancing at me with bloodshot eyes. He clapped me on the shoulder, clearing his throat as he rose from his chair. He didn't speak, and I knew that he didn't in fear of what his voice would sound like if he did. He threw me a crooked smile that looked very much like my own before leaving the kitchen just as my mom and dad had.
"So..." Alice said softly, twirling her thumbs. "This is awkward."
"You can drop it, Alice. I'm trying to forget about it." I couldn't help it that my voice had the slightest trace of anger in it.
"I know. I know. I'm sorry. If it will help at all, I won't talk to Bella anymore." My eyes widened as I met her gaze.
"You would do that? For me, I mean?"
"Of course," she said without skipping a beat. "You're my brother." Her words, spoken without any sort of hesitation whatsoever, filled my chest with a foreign emotion. I felt...touched? Yeah, that was it. I was touched. Alice, as heartless and cold as she could be, meant every word that she said.
"You don't have to do that for me," I said sheepishly. "I guess Bella didn't really do anything to me, after all. She doesn't deserve that."
"Well, actually, she did lie to you. And then she conned you into screwing her after she lied to you, and after that she left and didn't call you for, like, three days, and then-,"
"She told you all of that?" I gasped.
"Edward," Alice replied patiently, as if I were a small child, "there are a lot of things that you don't understand about women. We tell each other everything. This includes what we ate for breakfast, to what we bought at the mall, to every minor detail of our sexual encounters. Girls have no secrets."
I knew I should have been angry, or embarrassed, but I guess I was too shocked to feel anything. "Just promise that you'll never decide to tell me all about you and Jasper," I choked out. "Because, no offense, but he is one nasty motherfucker. Emmett will probably never let that shit go." Alice laughed one hard laugh before silence fell over us again. I sat there quietly before Alice interrupted my thoughts.
"You still love her, don't you?" she asked, her voice as light as a whisper.
I hesitated before answering. "Yeah."
"And you miss her," she stated.
"Like hell."
She sat there thoughtfully before speaking again.
"It's not too late, Edward. I know her. All is not lost." She reached over to pat my forearm lightly, her eyebrows pulling together. "Just don't give up."
"I think it's done, Alice. I don't think there's anything I can do."
"If you keep thinking that way, then, yeah, it is done. But you've got to grow up, Edward. You always say that. You say that you need to grow up all the time, that we all do. And you're right. You need to grow the fuck up. You need to grow the fuck up and win Bella back. Believe me when I say that it's not too late." Her voice was stern, her plump lips tightened into a hard line. She reminded me so much of Esme in that moment that I had to fight not to smile.
"I'll try," I muttered, scratching my neck. My head was spinning and I didn't want to talk about Bella anymore. I knew it was a bad thing to have hope, because, ultimately, it would all just be shoved back in my face. I had learned throughout the course of my life that that was what happened when I had hope about something.
"Hell yeah, you'll try," she persisted. "Just don't fucking give up. You'll regret it." And at that, she glided from the kitchen. I sat in the stillness of the room, the quiet hum of the refrigerator playing softly in the background.
It's not too late, Edward. I know her. All is not lost.
Alice's words were haunting me. Although I knew not to believe her, part of me couldn't help it. I'd found just one glimmer of chance, and, as stupid as it was, I was holding onto that. I wanted Bella back more than anything. I'd lied, and she'd lied, and we'd said things to each other that we could never take back. I should have hated her, but I couldn't. Because I loved her. I loved her, and I wanted her.
I wanted Bella. And I was going to do anything that I possibly could to get her back.
*
The rest of the night crawled by at a glacial pace. Carlisle had holed himself up in his study, the door still off its hinges, and Esme ran off to her room to watch Lifetime or some shit like that. Alice had backed off after our little heart-to-heart, probably to give me some space to think. I knew Emmett still felt awful. I hadn't expected him to cry like that, and I almost wished that I had waited to talk to him about my abandonment issues. I knew I'd have to address them again later, but in front of our family in that situation just wasn't the right time.
Everyone had backed away from me after the intervention, and my room was lonelier than ever.
I wanted Bella there with me. I wanted her presence in the room, to feel the warmth of her in my arms. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted the softness of her lips on mine and I wanted to tell her that even though she didn't need me anymore, that I needed her. I had no idea how I could even get her to talk to me. I had initially had no plans of returning to school the following day, but I knew now that I would have to suck it up and go. Hope gave me nothing but dust in the end. But now, I felt a little more than just hope. I felt need, I felt luck, and I felt fucking optimism. I felt trust. I felt relevance. If it just bit me in the ass in the end, I would have nothing more to lose than I already had.
I crawled beneath my sheets, closing my eyes only to see Bella's staring back at me. I knew they would be there, but they shocked me every time I saw them without fail. I did something I rarely did as I lay there, letting sleep consume me. I prayed. I prayed, even though I was the shittiest person alive, that I could stop blaming myself. I knew blame was most stupid fucking thing ever invented, and it was ruining my life. I prayed that Bella wouldn't hate me, and that she'd listen to what I had to say. I prayed that I could change. I prayed that I grow up, that my father could get better, that my brother and my sister would stay close like they'd promised. I felt stupid, but I did it anyway. Because maybe, just maybe, it would work.
I was on the verge of unconsciousness when a noise startled me into coherence. A dark form stood in my doorway, silently and cautiously.
"Edward?" Carlisle whispered into the empty space of my bedroom. "Are you awake?"
"Yes," I grumbled, rubbing my eyes and reaching over to switch my lamp on. I sat up to meet his eyes, my eyes squinting into the painful light.
"Sorry to wake you," he said apologetically. "You usually aren't asleep this early."
"Rough day," I laughed dryly, wrapping my comforter around my shoulders.
"Yes, you're right," he agreed, shifting his weight from foot to foot with anxiousness. "I, um, I should let you get back to sleep. You'll be returning to school tomorrow, right? So you need your sleep, I suppose."
"Just spit it out, Dad," I ordered, irritation thick in my tone. "What do you need? There has to be a reason you came in here." He nodded once.
"You're right. I came here to...I came here to ask something of you."
"And that is..."
"I came here to ask...well, I came to ask you if you'll take me somewhere." His lips mashed together as his eyes swam with question.
"You have a car, don't you?" I countered, rubbing my eyes with my knuckles.
"That's not what I meant. I mean...will you take me to your place? I want you to take me to your house, Edward. That one in the woods. I want you to take me to that house on Friday."
I waited as I comprehended his words, going back over them in my head to make sure I'd heard them right.
"You...you want me to take you to the house? Why?" My voice, which had been hoarse with sleep, was now high and alert. I sounded like a fucking woman.
"Because I want to go there. I want to see it, Edward." I shook my head with disbelief, and he seemed to construe the gesture as defiance. "Edward, as your father, I insist that you take me there. I've canceled all of my plans for that day, and that's when we're going to go. Okay? Alright. That's that. Goodnight."
He closed the door before I had a chance to answer him.
A/N: a loophole for less angst! i'm getting a little bit suffocated, i don't know about you all. i'll be wrapping this up in the next six or seven chapters, so review your little heads off. i've been posting this all over the place, and i'm just not getting that big of a response. still, thanks to all who do, and i love you all. one, big, cute, crying emmett to all of my homegirls who keep it real.
