I got on a kick. I wrote more, but I felt like I should end this chapter where I did. Let me know what you think.
by the way, I'm gonna give you a lemons warning. It's pretty mild, nothing with whipped cream and titty tassels, but I'm just warnin' ya. 18+, bbs.
song: quelqu'un m'a dit by carla bruni
EPOV
Her fingers were new as I wound them with mine. It was soft in between them, little dips of milk and honey and alabaster, a small callous on her ring finger that had formed over time from the way she held a pencil. Her knuckles were slightly wrinkled and her thumb rubbed circles against mine. I was home.
"I love you," she whispered as I hovered above her. Her eyes were still shining with tears, and I hated it. I wanted her to be at the same level of acceptance as I was, to be not quite happy, but content. I leaned down to plant a kiss on her lavender eyelids.
She closed her eyes as the stubble of my chin grazed her cheek, blinking a trail of fresh tears down the side of her face. They bled into the thick mess of her hair, which was sprawled against the ancient oriental rug in front of the sofa I'd been slouched on only minutes earlier.
"I don't need to tell you that I love you, because you already fucking know it," I breathed, hot air fanning across her face. She moaned softly, her eyelashes fluttering before she met my eyes. She was pensive for a long minute, her eyebrows furrowing as she appeared to be making some decision. Her fingers were shaking as she reached down to my waist, her lip between her teeth.
"Can I?" she asked timidly, her fingers grazing beneath my jacket.
I drew in a shaky breath, collapsing beside her. "Do you really want to?"
I sounded like a goddamn pussy. Bella was hot. Not the obvious, Megan Fox kind of hot, but she was fucking glorious looking and any seventeen-year-old guy in their right mind would have thrown a bitch down right then and there. But I just couldn't.
Bella and I had had sex twice before. And everything had gone to shit. I couldn't blame the sex for our issues, but it was almost like every time we fucked, something bad happened. My worries were lame and stupid but I'm Edward motherfucking Cullen and of course I think irrationally.
So this was why I was beside her on the rug, my eyebrows screwed together like a whiny bitch, rather than letting her jump on my peen like she wanted.
I wanted to do this right this time. But as I remembered her apology, the desperate way she sounded, I recalled the relevance that her speech had to my father's sickness.
I looked over at her face. She was staring at the ceiling, new tears trailing silently down her temple. I could sense the difference in her mood—before she had been crying out of guilt, and now she was crying because she felt rejected.
"I want to, Bella," I said quietly. "I just…I'm scared." Edward Cullen, you have officially lost your balls.
"You don't…have…to," she choked out, her voice high-pitched and almost comical.
I rolled my eyes. "You make it sound like it's a fucking chore. But you just…you just came in here, and this is all new and unexpected and I don't know if you're going to bolt again, and I never thought this could happen. I don't know if you're here only because you know my dad's gonna die, or if you really love me, too, or what." I clamped my jaw shut, wincing at my word vomit. It was just like Bella when she'd first come to Forks.
She was quiet for a few moments, and I watched her until her face finally lifted to look at me. Her eyes were bloodshot, her eyelashes wet. She was still fucking beautiful.
"I'm here," she whispered. "I'm not going anywhere. I meant every fucking word that I said."
And that was it. My girl had a goddamn dirty mouth, all because of me, and she was really fucking sorry.
And that's all I needed.
I watched her carefully as I slowly rolled over her again, my hands on either side of her face and the fibers of the carpet scratching against my palms. Her eyes widened a bit, her lips involuntarily parting as I leaned down to press an open-mouthed kiss on her bottom lip. She sucked my top lip in between hers, her little teeth skimming my skin as my crotch bucked into her hips against my will.
"So…yes?" she breathed, her eyelids drooping lazily over her molten irises.
"Yes," I answered, scooping her in my arms and tossing her over until she sat on top of me. She placed her palms flat against my chest, biting her lip as though she was deep in thought.
I watched her in the muted gray light of my house as she stood, removing all of her clothes and standing there, vulnerable and skin-and-bones for a long minute before kneeling at my feet.
"Give me these," she said impatiently, tugging at the legs of my pants. I hastily unbuttoned them, nearly ripping off the zipper of the fly as she tugged them down my legs. She crawled up my body, sliding my jacket from my shoulders as I sat up to meet her, kissing her softly as she worked on the buttons of my shirt.
And then it was us. Just me, just her, and the rain pounding off the roof of the place I'd known most of my life. It was one of those chick flick moments, where you just know everything is kind of fucking perfect and where you can forget everything that passed, and know it's all okay.
There were goosebumps all over her skin, almost like Braille, chills yanking down her spine. My teeth chattered, partly from anticipation and partly because it was fucking wintertime and it was fucking cold. But...oh God. Her tongue was warm. Her mouth was a perfect contrast to the almost freezing air of the house, fire and lava as her tongue wrestled with mine. Her nipples hardened into my chest as I held her tightly, her legs parting as the inside of her knees slid against my hips.
"I miss you," she whispered, her cheek flush against mine as I grabbed at her hips.
"But I'm right here," I insisted, my hands flat against the small of her back.
"I still miss you," she said. I chuckled lightly, the sound of my laughter a bit edgy. "And I know this is right this time," she added.
I paused, her heat against me, my hands gripping her hips in preparation. Her eyes were still closed, her nose inches from mine as I watched her. "You think so?" I asked, the change in my emotions nearly palpable. Her words strengthened my sureness, encouraging me.
"I know so," she replied, opening her eyes just enough that I could see my face reflected in her pupils. I leaned in to kiss her cheeks, her jaw line, her lips. "Now go," she said suddenly, my eyes flying open. "I'm wet as hell and I swear to God if your dick is not inside of me in two seconds, I'm taking everything back and walking the fuck home."
My dick twitched. Thank God for Bella's new dirty fucking mouth.
I smiled as I pulled her quickly away from me before delving into the melted heat of her, sliding in and out fluidly as her fingernails dug into the flesh covering my ribs. Her grip on my sides tightened as she pulled her hips forward to meet mine, a floorboard beneath us comically squeaking with each thrust.
An angel chorus chimed together in harmony as Bella whispered my name in sharp, clipped syllables. I'm ninety nine point nine percent sure I saw fireworks and shooting stars and all that other shit.
I leaned back, my head flopping against the rug again, Bella adjusting over me as she prepared to slide onto me once again. My hands found her back as I pushed her onto me, her moans louder and more frequent as the fingers of my left hand trailed down her thigh. She grabbed my hand without slowing her rhythm, shoving in between her legs before continuing to rock against me.
Sweet mother of God, Bella is a freak.
"Bella…I…almost…" I sputtered, my eyes pinching as my head slid against the floor. My fingers worked against her, paying her the same kindness as she was paying me, her chest heaving magnificently inches above my flesh. "Bella," I grunted loudly, my chin lifting as her back arched beneath my palm just slightly. The sound of my voice seemed to make her crash harder against me, encompassing me tightly as her breaths grew more erratic and uneven.
"Just do it," she said, her voice raspy.
In seconds, I was gone. I spilled inside of her, her name scraping off my tongue as I exhaled deeply. My body went limp as my arms left the bones of her hips, hitting the carpet with a soft thud. She continued to ease up and down despite my limpness and my exhaustion, getting what she needed before shuddering spasmodically.
She gasped, collapsing against my chest, our bodies slippery against one another and my arms reaching around her waist comfortably. I was still nestled inside of her contentedly, her heart beating heavily against me.
"Thank you," I said, kissing her temple. "For everything."
She rubbed her nose against my jaw, her toes pressed against my shins. "I've done nothing for you to deserve any sort of gratitude," she replied, her tone grieved.
I snorted. "Well, for one, you just gave me the best fucking lay I could have ever asked for, so I at least have that to be thankful for. That's not even mentioning the other stuff."
She laughed before yawning, her hot breath fanning across my neck. "There's nothing else," she said groggily. Her hair tickled my earlobe.
I wasn't really into doing a lot of post-coital talking, never had been. That was one thing that drove me fucking apeshit about fucking Jessica Stanley--bitch talked about everything down to the shit she took that morning. But I knew that things with me and Bella were too new to be silent, so I slid my fingers into her hair and continued speaking.
"I owe you a lot," I said thoughtfully. "Given, you probably didn't handle a lot of things how you probably should have. But it's you, Bella. You could hit me with your car and I'd still fucking love you. I…I honestly couldn't have accomplished anything if…things hadn't worked out the way that they did."
"So you're glad I left you?" she said. Her tone had an inkling of hurt in it, but it was balanced with a trace of mere curiosity.
"Yes, and no," I answered. "Yes, because it brought me closer to my dad. It gave me no distractions. Before, when I was with you, he was trying, and he wasn't getting anywhere with me. But then everything was somehow better. It was easier for him. But then again, no, because I was miserable everyday for a long time. It was hell, Bella. I got to know my father, but every fucking day was fucking terrible."
"I'm sorry," she croaked, reaching up to lay her hand against my cheek. "I'm really, really sorry, Edward."
"It's okay," I said quietly. "It's all okay now."
Bella hummed in agreement. We were still together, listening to the rain as our bodies cooled, our temperatures dropping back down. I yanked a Chicago Bears blanket that belonged to Emmett from the couch and draped it over us, my toes sticking out of the bottom as I cursed myself for not utilizing it earlier.
This was how it was supposed to be. If I said I didn't believe in all of that 'fate' shit, I'd be a dirty rotten liar. This was so much different than my nightmare. I wasn't on the outside of the house while Bella remained inside, collapsing into dust just like the structure in which she hid from me. I was in there with her, the walls and ceiling and floor strong and intact, just like we now were. It was crippling, the irony of it, that I couldn't help but let a goofy smile drag across my lips.
A thought crept into my brain, causing me to break the silence. "How did you find out about Carlisle?" I asked suddenly.
Her thumb, which had been circling against my jaw, paused. "Rose told me," she answered after a minute.
"Rose?" I asked, incredulous. "Are you, like, friends now? Did I miss something?"
She chuckled, shaking her head. "Not quite. But I can see the potential. She's not so bad."
"How did this happen?"
"She called me this morning," she said slowly, a trace of pain in her voice. "She told me to come over, and that it was an emergency. I knew immediately that it had something to do with you."
"And?" I prompted.
"Of course I went. Scared the shit out of me, but I still went. She and Jasper told me what happened. She said that she hadn't seen Emmett yet, but that we all needed to help your family."
My heart thumped as a part of me remembered why I kind of love Rosalie, against my better judgment. My thoughts skipped back a few years to the whole Bryce birthday cake incident, and how she'd twisted my arm behind my back until I apologized to Alice. Abrasive, yes. But a good friend? Definitely.
"I was honestly prepared to help Alice, only. I didn't think you'd give me the time of day." She laughed dryly, her leg brushing against my crotch to almost remind herself that the exact opposite had occurred.
"But as I drove here," she continued, "I knew that I needed to find you. It was like a damn epiphany. I'd been…I'd been staring at that box you gave me, wanting you but being too proud to come find you. I never stopped loving you, Edward. I just gave up."
I could have been angry at her words, hearing that she'd almost abandoned me. But I'd abandoned her, too. I gave up just as she had.
"So you meant it?" I asked.
"Meant what?"
"You really meant it when you told me you loved me? That first time?" I grimaced, remembering the night that she had known, and I was in the dark.
She was quiet, nodding ever so slightly before speaking. "I really did. I still do. I just…it's kind of like the saying 'you don't know what you have until it's gone.' You weren't gone, exactly, but kind of knowing that I didn't have a piece of you that I wanted made me act irrationally. I thought I was going to lose you. So what I had been feeling for you totally surfaced, and it was all I could think about. I didn't consider you at all. I'm an asshole, Edward."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh, silly Bella. You aren't an asshole, I promise."
I felt her smile against my neck. "Thanks, that means a lot," she said dryly.
"Emmett needs to see Rose," I said quickly, my thoughts returning to the favor she'd done for my family. Mostly, for me. Her concern brought Bella back to me, whether she had intended it or not.
"How is he?" Bella asked, her voice laced with concern.
I snorted. "Better, now. I'm surprised her hasn't seen her yet. He's been playing video games with Dad all week. We've all come here together twice."
"Rose won't be too happy to hear that."
"Well, in his defense, he was a mess. He might still be. He's connected to Carlisle at the hip. Maybe it's his way of grieving."
"Maybe," Bella agreed. "But she's worried sick. Jasper, too."
"You should talk to Alice," I suggested. "I haven't seen her in a while. She feels left out again. I have no idea how she's handling this."
"And Esme?"
"You know her. She's been perfect. She's known about it since before Christmas." I said, smiling sadly.
Bella suddenly pushed away from me, sitting on the couch as she grabbed her pants from the pile of clothes she'd left next to the old, run-down coffee table.
I frowned, looking up at her bare limbs as she wrestled the denim over her sweat-slicked body. "What are you doing?" I asked, reaching for her.
"Getting dressed," she replied.
Well, fucking obviously.
"Why?"
"We're going back to your house. I need to see Alice."
"Couldn't we just wait for a little while? I want to take a nap," I whined. "Plus, it's raining. And you look better without clothes on."
She smiled wickedly, raising one eyebrow. "There's more time for that," she chastised playfully. "But now, I need to make myself useful. I've been nothing more than a bump on a log for weeks now."
"Fine, fine," I said grumpily, hoisting myself from the floor with a grunt and wrapping Emmett's stupid fleece blanket around my shoulders to keep out the cold.
I was zipping up my jacket when I heard Bella's voice behind me, still on the couch. "Does Emmett bring Rose here?" she asked.
"She doesn't even know about this place," I answered, looking at her over my shoulder. "Why?"
She smiled widely, her eyes twinkling. "Because I have a new rule."
"Yeah? And what is that?"
"You can only fuck me in this house," she said plainly, causing my breath to catch in my throat and my fucking crotch to throb wildly. Bitch was crazy.
"Is there, um, a particular reason for this new rule?" My throat was dry. She had to stop this if she wanted to get back to talk to Alice. At this rate, she would never leave the fucking oriental rug.
"'Because...fuck, Bella…that house is our house,'" she quoted perfectly, her suggestive smile fading into a sad grimace. I immediately recalled the night that I wrote that letter to Bella, taping it to the bottom of the box for her to find one day, even if it wasn't immediately. "Your bed has bad memories," she added.
I crossed the room quickly, picking her up in my arms and burying her face in my hair. Fucking strawberries.
"Whatever you want," I promised. "Whenever."
"I want to live here with you," she said quietly, causing my spine to straighten and my eyes to pop open. "I never want to be away from you again."
I released her, keeping only her shoulders in my hands as I looked at her square in the face. "Things are going to get bad around here," I said quickly. "We might want to take things as they come…"
"I am one hundred percent sure about you," she said sternly, her gaze unwavering. "I will never leave you again unless you ask me to."
"I'd never do that."
"Then that's that. This house is ours."
"Whatever you want," I repeated, taking her hand in mine before we set off into the wind and rain to go find Alice.
*
BPOV
"You can only fuck me in this house," I said simply. I waited for my blush to creep up my neck and onto my cheeks, but it didn't come. Weird.
Edward's face drained of color as his eyes widened impossibly, the crotch of his pants bulging slightly as I tried to stay focused. Alice. Alice. Alice.
"Is there, um, a particular reason for this new rule?" he stammered, his tone gritty and his eyes darkening substantially into two dark green pools of heat.
I tried to search my brain for a proper, witty explanation as to why I only wanted Edward on the floor of this dirty, old house, but I could find nothing. All that I could think of was the letter that sat inside of the box that was stored carefully in my backpack by the front door, Edward's calligraphy scratched across the solid lines of blue as he swore his undying love for me.
"'Because...fuck, Bella…that house is our house,'" I quoted perfectly, trying to fight off the embarrassment that I felt for having memorized the entire thing. Edward's eyes fell, my lips turning into a deep frown. "Your bed has bad memories," I added, wincing.
I'd been living inside of my own head for so long now that I couldn't help but imagine Edward and I, ten years from now, sitting on the porch swing of the white house, the stairs inside fixed and sturdy so that he could explore the top stories like he'd always wanted to. The chandeliers would be dusted, the same furniture cleaned and reupholstered so that it could be almost the same as it always was. And we would make love on that same, paisley-printed rug, our bed waiting upstairs for us for whenever I got carpet burn on my back and we needed somewhere else to go. Edward would have a dog, like he'd always dreamed of, and he and I would lay together in the ferns underneath the sun as the white house sat before us, tall and beautiful and old and new, just as it always was, only better.
I felt Edward's arms wrap around me, memories of the last half hour spilling into my brain as my heart began pounding once more. It was odd to think that just an hour ago, I'd been stumbling through the woods looking for him, my heart shattered into eighteen billion pieces in the fear that he would never love me again.
Edward took a deep breath as he buried his nose in my hair. "Whatever you want," he whispered. "Whenever."
"I want to live here with you," I said suddenly. I felt his spine go rigid beneath my hands, every muscle in his tall frame stiffening. "I never want to be away from you again."
Slowly, he pulled away from me, in spite of my previous statement, gripping my shoulders lightly as he stared at me with unmasked intensity. "Things are going to get bad around here," he said, his voice heavy with conviction. "We might want to take things as they come…"
My heart broke a little. Was he questioning us? We had torn our house down, rebuilding a more sturdy foundation only an hour before that, and he was already willing to tear it all down?
"I am one hundred percent sure about you," I said harshly, "I will never leave you again unless you ask me to." My stomach heaved at the thought of staying away from him again, the memory of his car speeding away from me pushing itself into my mind.
"I'd never do that," he said earnestly, his hands dropping to his side.
"Then that's that," I said before I could start crying again. "This house is ours."
His eyes churned with some deep emotion, his jaw tensing as his temples pulsed. "Whatever you want," he said slowly, the same emotion in his facial expression leaking into his voice. It made my knees shake. He took his hand in mine, pulling me towards the front door of the house that would one day belong to us.
*
Alice wasn't hard to find.
Edward murmured about being surprised that her skin wasn't fused to her bedspread from the amount of time she'd spent in there, alone. It broke my heart a little.
"Alice?" I called softly, my knuckles thumping against the door and my other hand grasping Edward's. "It's Bella. Can I come in?"
I heard rustling, the sound of a drawer being shut, and a soft clearing of a throat. "Of course," her voice chimed. "It's unlocked."
I looked over my shoulder at Edward. He nodded slightly, reaching forward to open the door himself.
Alice was sitting in the center of her bed, her knees pulled to her chest and her black hair sticking up in several directions. Her piercing green eyes were slightly red, sitting vacantly above her freckled, tiny slope of a nose. Her full lips were chapped and pale. She looked like hell.
I expected her to cry when she saw me. I expected her to sob because her father was sick and I knew that she loved me so she'd be pleased to have someone to console her. Alice was never one to skip on the dramatics; not that she didn't have a perfectly good reason this time to cry into my shoulder.
But what I didn't expect was the reason for her tears. She immediately shot up from the bed, yanking slightly on the legs of her light blue pajama shorts as she ran across the room, leaping into my arms. "Bella!" she yelped, wrapping her little legs around my waist. I stumbled backward, Edward holding me stable.
Alice released me, hugging her brother and planting a kiss on his cheek, thick tears leaking from her eyes. Edward took my reaching hand, his eyes just as wide as mine were.
Alice looked down at our entwined fingers, crying even heavier now. "I…you…both...when…together!" she sputtered, jumping up and down as she continued to weep. And she was crying tears of…joy.
I heard Edward's musical laughter from behind me, a smile creeping onto my face when I heard the sound of it.
"Everything's better now, Al," he said softly, laughing again.
Alice squealed, wrapping her arms around my neck once more. "Thank the Lord Jesus Christ," she yelped. "Now I don't have to feel guilty anymore."
"Feel guilty?" I asked, confused. "For what?"
Alice rolled her eyes, wiping her cheeks with her manicured fingers. "Edward had always thrown me headlong into this whole thing the two of you have going on," she explained, smiling widely as she caught a glimpse of Edward and I holding hands. "I felt responsible for…you know, telling you about the whole thing with our dad. And then he gave me the package to deliver on Christmas Day, and I thought it was my fault that you didn't call him right after, so…"
I laughed, a hard, solid bark. "It's finished with," I said lightly, laughing again. "Water under the bridge, and all that."
It felt so good to laugh. I hadn't really laughed in a long time. I had almost become accustomed to the light, but somehow still harsh arpeggio that I'd trained myself into uttering at polite times—when someone told a joke, complimented me, was intentionally funny. But here was my laugh, back from the dead. Everything was so much better now, within a span of eighty minutes.
But then again, it was worse.
I was here for a reason.
I grabbed Alice's elbow, steering her to the end of her bed and slipping my hand from Edward's.
"Alice," I began seriously, "are you okay?"
She giggled outrageously, still crying. "I'm perfect. You and Edward are together again. I can see you more often. Everything is awesome, Bella."
I forced a smile, and she sensed that my mood was not a reflection of hers. "What's wrong?" she asked quietly, her smile fading.
"I know what's happened with Carlisle."
"Oh."
The silence in the room was tangible, only interrupted by the sound of Edward's socked feet pacing the floor to the small armchair by the closet.
"Did you tell her?" Alice asked. She looked only at her lap, but we all knew she was asking Edward.
"Rosalie," he said simply, picking at his cuticles. He was obviously uncomfortable. I nearly told him he could leave the room, but I needed him there with me, in case Alice broke down.
Alice nodded thoughtfully, her thin, black brown pulling together.
"He's going to die," she croaked, her cheeks paling.
"No he's not," Edward spat automatically. It sounded like it was something practiced, an automatic defense mechanism.
"Yes he is," Alice insisted, looking at him with a sneer. "No use sugar-coating it."
More silence.
"It'll all be fine, Al," I soothed, placing my hand over hers. "I can't really help you, other than just by being here. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you like I should've."
She sniffled, looking up at me. "You've been fine, Bella. I've seen you at school. Even when you and Edward were…you know…you were still my friend."
I shook my head, refusing to let her be the martyr. "I never asked you about Carlisle. I never bothered to care, because I was so wrapped up in what was happening with Edward. Rosalie called me over today to tell me what's going on and to let me know that we need to help you guys."
Alice smiled weakly. "That was nice of her."
"Yeah. It really was," I agreed, grinning slightly. "But we're all here now. We haven't been in the past, but we are now."
"Better late than never," she said playfully, slipping her hand from beneath mine and tucking her hair behind her ear. "You know, this was what I've been wanting since the beginning."
I raised my eyebrows. "What? Are you talking about your father? You couldn't possibly…"
"No!" she said quickly. "Of course that's not what I meant. I mean…we're all, like, together now. Jesus, that sounds sappy. But I'm having a fucking Brady Bunch moment so fuck off."
Edward laughed behind me, sifting through one of Alice's fashion magazines and drawing mustaches on the models.
"When Rose hooked up with Em at the beginning of all of this, I was pissed," she continued. "Beyond pissed. We didn't talk for forever. Well, you know all of this. Rose didn't like me with Jasper, blah, blah, blah. I didn't even like you that much at first, honestly. Now, don't look at me like that. Let me finish. I thought you were weird, but I hung out with you because Rose pretty much left me at the curb for my own brother. But then, you and Edward started, uh, whatever you guys were, and I was…I dunno, happy? Yeah. I was happy. I was happy because he was happy, and I actually found out that I kind of really fucking love you."
"Thanks, Al," I said, blushing. I reached up to ruffle her hair.
Alice sighed contentedly. "It just seems incredibly perfect that now all six of us have found common ground, and we're working together. It's…it's a relief."
"A relief," I echoed. "Yeah, it really is."
"And I'm not trying to say that I'm glad my father is sick and dying. I'm devastated. Hell, I haven't deep-conditioned my hair in a week. But it brought us all together. It's like some fucking fairy tale but a really sick, depressing version. And I feel like a weight is off of me. I can't tell you how relieved I am to see you with Edward again."
I smiled over at him, trying to catch his eye. He looked up at me through his lashes, grinning lazily before going back to his doodling.
"So you're going to be okay?" I asked, my eyes flickering back to Alice's.
Alice bit her lip, thinking for a moment. "Yes," she said decidedly, bobbing her head. "I think so. It'll take a long time, but eventually, I think so."
"That's all I can ask for," I replied. And then, in a typical Brady Bunch fashion, we hugged that shit out.
*
