Chapter 14
*******
"Bella, Are you even listening to me? Bella?"
"Yes Alice, I'm listening." I was watching my little monsters playing with Jane on the new swing set that Jasper had already installed. I know that it probably looked like I was completely ignoring Alice, but I was trying to come up with the best response.
We had returned from Phoenix on Friday evening. By the time I picked up the kids and got home, it was pretty late. I slept almost all day on Saturday while the kids played around with the Whitlock's. We decided to have a cook out today, Sunday, to celebrate our new living arrangements since it was such a nice weekend.
I continued staring at the children as I responded to Alice's question. "It's just not that simple. Yes, he flew to Phoenix to be with me, and I probably would have gone crazy had he not been there, but I am not the same person as I used to be. I can't see a relationship with Edward anywhere in my life."
"Bella, when Edward left and got married, I think you were probably the only person more shocked than I was. I didn't understand it, and I couldn't get over it. My parents would tell me that he was just doing what he thought was right, but I could not get over it. I understand more now."
"Alice, it's different. Edward isn't my brother. He can't just jump back into my life. He made the choices that he did, and those choices resulted in the lives that we have now. I know this will sound silly to you, but I can't just let Edward jump into the role that he ran away from."
I watched as Jasper and Seth ran around and chased the girls. Both of my kids were already head over heels in love with Jasper. I watched Leah climb up his leg and couldn't help but think that she should be able to do that with her own Daddy. I got up to go check on the french fries, thinking it would end the conversation, but Alice followed me inside.
"Bella, I don't think Edward is trying to step into Jake's place. I think he is just trying to find a place. A place with you. When Edward didn't come home to visit, I used to think he had just become a cold bastard because he was around Jessica. Now I realize that it was too painful for him to be around reminders of you. He loves you."
"I'm sorry if Edward is hurting. I would hate to think that seeing me or being somewhere would cause him pain, but Alice, I'm not sure that you have any idea of the pain that I dealt with when he left. I didn't run away, and I didn't shut out the people that loved me. I learned to deal with the hurt and I made a life without Edward. I would love for him to be a small part of my life, but if it is causing him pain, I will understand."
"That's not what I'm saying at all. If Edward thought that you were not seeing him because I told you that it might hurt him, then he would kill me. And Bella... you did shut out some of the people that loved you."
The look on Alice's face as she said that broke my heart. She sounded so sad and so small, that a little piece of me just broke. I reached out and hugged her and told her that I never ran. "I just had to have a little distance. I never meant for it to be such a long time. That's completely my fault for letting Jake talk me out of seeing you."
"Oh no! Bella what did she say to you?" Jasper's smooth voice came from the kitchen door.
"Nothing, we were just having a moment. It's been a long time coming." I squeezed Alice one more time before letting her go. The kids came stomping in behind Jasper. "Everybody... go wash your hands. Dinner's almost ready. Seth, I need you to take the napkins and plates out to the table."
Dinner was... noisy. The kids loved having the Whitlock family around, and so did I. We talked about Jasper's new job and about the house they were having built. The kids got in an argument about the hotdogs. It just felt so normal. The entire time we were eating and talking though, I could feel that something was missing.
I put my little ones to bed with a smile on my face. Everything felt so normal. Most people wouldn't love having another family living in their basement, but most people didn't know Alice and Jasper Whitlock. I knew that tomorrow morning was going to be hectic. I was sending Seth back to school even though he didn't technically have to go. Since it was the last week, his class would be having little activities every day to celebrate, so I didn't want him to miss that. I knew that after dropping Leah off, I would need to run by the store to get goodies for his class. By the time I dropped Seth off and got to my school, I would have run all over the city of Port Angeles. Ah the joys of being a single parent. I also knew that I would have tons of stuff to catch up on at work after missing a week.
I decided to spend this evening relaxing. After getting a glass of wine, I headed into my bathroom. I filled my tub with water and found some scented candles. I poured generous amounts of lavender scented bath salts in and found a book that I had been trying to read for a while. After pulling my hair into a bun on top of my head, I stepped into the warm tub. I sank into the water and opened the book. I got lost in the hopeless simplicity of a teenage love story so much that the water turned cold. I didn't realize that I was so engrossed in this book that my students had told me about, but I didn't want to put it down. I climbed out of the bathtub and dried off quickly.
Being at home alone in my own bed was both sad and wonderful at the same time. I put on my old comfy pajamas and climbed into the bed with my book in hand. I must have dozed off while reading. It was the first time I had dreamed of Jake in a while. In all honesty though, the dream wasn't actually about Jake...
I was standing on the edge of a tall cliff decided whether or not to jump off. The water looked so cold and dark, but it would be the end. The end of sadness and loneliness. ~ Jake and I were at a football game. The crowds were loud because we were winning. The people around me were jumping up and down in the bleachers screaming. I looked at my watch. 3:00. Edward was walking down the aisle with Jessica. 3:00. The end of my former life. Jake was cheering and screaming with all the fans around me. I looked at him and knew. Jake would love me. Jake would take care of me. He was warm and fun. It would be the end. The end of sadness and loneliness.
The heavy book hitting the hard floor must have been what woke me up. With the dream fresh in my mind, I allowed myself to remember that day. Edward's wedding day was a very mild day in September. I remembered being in Forks that morning still undecided as to whether or not I was going to go. Jake had told me that he would go with me if I wanted him to.
Edward called me the night before his wedding, but I didn't answer. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out what he would want to talk to me about or what he could say to fix the enormous whole in my heart. Jake was there, and he asked me what was wrong. He let me cry on his shoulder for the better part of the night. He and I had been "hanging out" for about six months, but we weren't really dating. I just didn't have the heart to be with anyone else yet.
I had woken up the Saturday of Edward's wedding sad and puffy eyed. When Jake asked if I wanted to go to the wedding, I told him no. I just needed to get my mind on something else. He suggested that we head back to campus and go to the football game, so we did. We left the football game and headed to a local bar. After several drinks, I decided it was time to move on with my life. I knew that Jake had serious feelings for me, so I let him act on them. We made it back to my dorm room. Rose was at home for the weekend so we were alone. Sex with Jake was hungry and urgent. I think he always knew that he wouldn't have been my first choice. I think that later in our relationship it made him a little bitter - at least that's the only reason I can think of for the way he began to treat me.
Before I even thought about it, I went to the kitchen to get my cell phone. I hit the send button and then looked at the clock. It was 3:00 in the morning. I hung up quickly hoping that the ring hadn't woken him up. Not so lucky. Within about 15 seconds my phone rang. Edward sounded sleepy as he said, "Bella, what's wrong?"
With my voice betraying me, I said, "Nothing. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was so late."
Edward patiently responded, "Bella, you can call anytime. But do you mind telling me what you wanted?"
"I wanted to know why you called me the night before your wedding," I said before I even thought about what I was saying.
"What?" Edward sounded confused.
"The night before your wedding," I repeated, "You called me, and I didn't answer. Why were you calling me?"
"Bella, are you alright? What made you think about this at 3 in the morning?"
"Just answer me, Edward. Why did you call me?"
I thought Edward had fallen asleep. He didn't answer for quite some time, so I was a bit surprised when he finally did. "Because, Bella... I knew that if I talked to you, I wouldn't go through with it. I didn't want to get married."
"Then you shouldn't have." I was proud of the fact that I was able to talk calmly.
Edward's voice was almost a whisper. " I know."
****
The last week of school was always crazy. Seth had so much going on that I could barely keep up with what I was supposed to send in and when. For work, I had to tie up all the loose ends and make sure that all of the paperwork from the year was completed and correct. I spent quite a bit of time working in the evenings, so it was a Godsend having Alice and family around. They entertained the kids without even realizing how much they were doing to help me. On Friday evening, several of the teachers from my school had invited me to a party, but I declined. I was tired and ready to relax. Not to mention I would be hosting the end of the year party for the entire faculty on Wednesday night, when post planning was over.
I stopped by the grocery store on my way home to pick up a few things for dinner. I had picked up the ingredients to make dinner and dessert for my roomies when I heard a familiar voice.
"Bella! Bella!" I looked around to see who was calling my name and saw this familiar looking blonde guy.
I must have been looking at him strangely, because he introduced himself, "I'm Mike. Mike Newton from high school."
Ding "Oh, Hi! How are you? I'm sorry I didn't recognize you, I just don't expect to run into too many people from Forks here."
Now that I knew who it was, I couldn't get over the fact that Mike still had that baby face and spiky blonde hair. He didn't seem at all upset that I couldn't remember him. "There seem to be more people moving out here from Forks. I know that Jasper and Alice are building a house out here, and I heard that Edward Cullen is back in town." With this, he looked at me as if to gauge my reaction. When I gave none, he continued, "My family is opening a new store in town." He swept his arm around in a grand motion, "And I am in charge of it. Looks like I'm here for good. Maybe we can get together some time."
I have never been good at telling someone that I just don't like them, so I said that I would like that. Mike handed me his business card and I stuck it in my wallet with no intentions of calling him. I finished my grocery shopping and went to pick up Leah. Seth had ridden the bus home, which he could now do because Alice was around. I didn't mind him being home alone when he wasn't really alone...
I actually got home early enough to cook a full meal. The plan was to make something that I could easily take down to Alice that they could enjoy as a family without my kids running around bothering them. I had decided on lasagna because I wanted to surprise them and it would be easily frozen if they already had plans for the evening. I put the lasagna together and then wrote instructions on it so she would know how to best heat it up. I grabbed the brownies and the bottle of wine and headed downstairs.
It was an unspoken rule that if it wasn't raining outside, we would go outside and use the outside doors to get to each other's separate part of the house. Of course, it was raining outside so I took the stairs from the laundry room. There was a door at the bottom of the steps, so I knocked on it with my foot. I was not expecting to see those green eyes when the door was opened. Fumbling for words, I said lamely, "I brought dinner."
Alice, seated on the couch, looked between us as if she was deciding whether or not to say anything. Edward grabbed the bottle of wine out from under my arm and helped me carry the food to the kitchen. His voice startled me, "I was wondering if I was going to see you tonight."
"I wasn't expecting to see you here. I'm sorry."
"Bella, what are you apologizing for?"
"I'm not sure." I said honestly.
Edward chuckled and said something about it having been a week since we saw each other. Just then, I heard several voices all at once. Before I knew what was happening, Seth and Leah were bursting into the kitchen chasing Jane. I knew it was irrational, but I wanted to protect them from Edward. I wanted to protect Edward from them as well. I must have looked panicked because Edward just put his hand on my shoulder and told me it was okay. "I promise you, I will behave in front of your children."
As they ran into the living room, Edward looked at me and said, "But I promise you, when they are not around, I don't intend to behave at all." He pulled me to him and kissed me.
