Chapter 16

Stupid, Stupid Bella! What the hell were you thinking. No, Edward, I can't let you be around my kids, but it's perfectly okay for you to molest me in front of them! My God, I am such an IDIOT.

"Mommy, are you okay?" Seth asked sweetly from the bathtub. He was always very perceptive of my moods.

I smiled at him and told him that I was fine. Leah was happily playing with her Winnie the Pooh bathtub toys and didn't notice the look on my face or the fact that I was talking to myself. I couldn't figure out why I was mad. Was it because I let him kiss me like that with the chance that my children would walk in, or was it because Alice saw us. Was I mad that even after all that, I wanted him to come over after the children were in bed? I decided to just be pissed off in general. By this point, I was entitled to be mad at Edward, so I decided to go with that anger rather than be mad at myself for not being able to resist him.

Grrrr. Stupid Edward. And now I found myself rushing my kids through their nighttime routine so I could be sure they were good and asleep before Edward got there. Leah was sitting on her towel playing happily while I finished helping Seth wash his hair. I scooped her up and took her into her room where I proceeded to dump her on her bed and throw her pajamas at her. It was a game we played every night. She would then throw the pajamas in the air and giggle while she looked for them. While she was searching for her pj's and getting dressed, I grabbed Seth's pajamas out of his dresser and put them on his bed. I walked through the bathroom from one room to the other making sure the children were bathed and clothed and I finally got them both into their beds. I gave Seth a book to read while I read a story to Leah. It was our routine.

Once both kids were in bed, I would usually do a load of laundry while watching the news and catching up on schoolwork. Since the school year was officially over for kids, I could actually do laundry without trying to do fifty million other things. Tonight, I decided to skip the laundry. I took my emergency pack of cigarettes out onto the porch and lit up. Since she wasn't here, I decided to do the next best thing. I called Rose and told her what I was about to do.

"You may as well give it up Bella, you know what you want. Just sleep with him and be done with it." The ever reserved Rosalie told me.

"Unfortunately, it's not just a matter of sleeping with him anymore, Rose. Edward has a way of messing with my mind that I don't know how to handle. I can't seem to just let things be with him. It's like this incredible roller coaster that I know I need to get off of, but I just can't."

"Bella, it sounds to me like you are still in love with Edward. I'm not sure that all the avoidance in the world is going to change that."

"I wish it were that simple, Rose. I think I need to send him home tonight so I can think without him messing things up."

"Bella," Rose said in her best psychologist voice, "isn't that what you've been doing all week? How far has that gotten you?"

I smiled into the phone, "I hate it when you go all shrink on me."

Rose was chuckling as she answered, "I love you girlie. Crazy or not. Now, just go enjoy great sex, but tell him I will still cut his balls off if he fucks with you."

I sensed his presence before I saw or heard him. I looked up from my seat on the porch to be startled by his beautiful face. He was looking at me strangely, though, as I told Rose that I needed to go.

"Since when did you start smoking?" Edward said as I hung up the phone.

"I don't really smoke, it's just a weird thing that I do when I'm talking to Rose about my personal life. How much did you hear?"

"Not much," he said quietly, "but I assume you were talking about me, so I tried. You just noticed me before I heard anything."

I chuckled nervously and took a last drag off the cigarette in my hand. Edward looked at me strangely again and said, "I hope I haven't caused you to start smoking."

"No. I don't normally smoke, it's just a random nervous or upset thing that I do."

"Have I caused you to be nervous or upset?"

I wasn't sure how much to tell him. I wasn't a big fan of showing my cards too early. "Not really nervous or upset... more like frustrated."

"Sexually frustrated?" He said with a grin.

"Something like that. What did you want to talk to me about, Edward? Wait a minute... Let me go brush my teeth. My mouth tastes like ass now." And with that, I got up and walked inside with as much dignity as I could muster. I didn't expect him to follow me, but I wasn't terribly surprised.

I brushed my teeth and took a few extra minutes to primp a little. Hey, a girl can want to look beautiful even if she ISN'T in love with the guy in her bedroom. Ah hell, who am I kidding...

It never failed to amaze me how startling Edward was. I walked out of the bathroom to find him laying on my bed, hands behind his head and legs crossed at the feet. He was grinning at me with that half-assed smile that made my girlie bits tingle. I am so going to sleep with him tonight... there's just no way around it. But I totally don't have to let him know that I'll be easy. I sat on the opposite side of the bed from him. I crossed my legs indian style and looked at him with the most stern look I could muster up.

"Edward, you can't kiss me again like that when my children could easily bust in. Please understand that I won't budge on that." I used my serious teacher voice, so I didn't understand when he smiled even wider.

He had that evil grin on his face that made me wonder if I hadn't said what I meant to. "Bella, you just gave me permission to kiss you as long as your kids aren't around." He sat up and leaned in. Licking the corners of my lips, he said, "Your kids aren't around right now. I plan to do a lot of kissing."

More tingling in my girlie bits. I pushed him away as I said, "We need to get some stuff straight first. I am still pissed at you for the way you left. You gave me no reason, and the reasons that you had were fucking ridiculous."

Edward tried to interrupt me, but I held my hand up to his mouth. "I'm not finished. ... I did want children, but I wanted to be with you. We could have worked something out, but you didn't think I could handle that." I paused for a minute to see if he was going to say anything. He just looked at me.

I continued, "I can't hate you for the way things turned out, though, because I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. My adult life hasn't been easy, but I'm a much stronger and better person for my experiences. With that being said, I think I can get over the past. I can't, however, let you become involved with Seth and Leah. That's just something I won't budge on."

Edward spoke then, "Bella, I don't agree with your fear of my becoming involved with your kids, but I will respect your wishes. I know that I fucked up. I wanted nothing but to make you happy, and I went about it badly. I can promise you, though, that I don't intend of leaving again. I haven't gone a day without thinking about you since I was fourteen years old. Every decision that I've made was made with you in mind. I wish for everyone's sake that I had made different decisions, but I can't go back, and I wouldn't want to take your happiness away from you even if I could."

I wanted to believe him so badly that it almost hurt. I leaned in and kissed him gently before saying, "Edward... if you thought it would somehow make me happier, or if you thought it was in my best interest, are you telling me that you wouldn't leave again. Honestly, if for some crazy reason, you decided that you were bad for me, you wouldn't leave?"

He rubbed the backs of my hands before sliding his fingers gently into mine. "Bella, I would never make any decision that concerned you without discussing them with you first. If you truly wanted me to leave tonight and never come back... if that would really make you happier, then I would do it."

He looked at me with those stunning green eyes, and I could see the fear in his eyes. Fear that I would tell him to leave and never come back. I knew that I would never be able to say those words to Edward no matter what he had done or what his reasons were for breaking my heart. I squeezed his fingers and crawled toward him on the bed. He lifted my hands and kissed each of my fingers gently. He then moved his way up my arms slowly stopping at my shoulders. He hid his face as he whispered, "I have never stopped loving you Bella." When he looked up at me this time, there were tears in his beautiful green eyes.

I couldn't stand to see Edward look so vulnerable. I closed my eyes and leaned in to kiss him. I kissed him with all the emotion that I was feeling. I felt the heat in my face as I pulled his bottom lip into my mouth. Edward responded hungrily. He separated my lips with his tongue, darting it in and out of my mouth. It felt so natural having him kiss me like this. He groaned into my mouth as I dug my hands into his wild hair. I raised up onto my knees so that I could move more easily. I crawled toward him as I pulled my mouth away from the kiss. I could still see the vulnerability in Edward's eyes, so I kissed first his left eye, then his right. I pulled away slightly and told him that I was not going to send him away. I kissed his ear as I whispered that I couldn't send him away even if I wanted to. As I kissed his mouth again, I felt him smile. It was a genuine Edward smile. My heart melted just a little bit more.

Edward had adjusted himself so that he was sitting while we were talking. Having the upper hand, since I was on my knees, I was able to easily push him back down onto the bed. I lay down on top of him, placing my knees on either side of his hips. It suddenly occurred to me that my children were in bed on the other side of the house, so I climbed off to go close and lock the door. Misinterpreting what I was doing, Edward grabbed my hand and asked me not to leave. Once I told him that I was just locking the door, that shit-eating grin formed once again on that lovely face of his. As I climbed back on the bed, Edward grabbed my hips and flipped me onto my back. He told me that he wanted to show me what I meant to him. He was gently pushing the stray hairs that had gotten out of my messy bun off of my face trailing kisses where the hair once was.

As much as I loved the light kisses, my body was aching for more. I arched my back and tried to twist my hips into him. He almost giggled as he said to be patient. His kisses moved from my forehead and cheeks to my nose. It was agonizing waiting for him to get back to my mouth, but when he finally did, I met him hungrily. Darting my tongue into his mouth, I again twisted my body so that I was able to dig my hips into him. I could feel his obvious desire, which turned me on even more. I tried to sit up so that I could pull my tank top off, but Edward pushed me back down and told me to be patient again.

I looked at him and told him that I didn't want to be patient. With mischief in his eyes, he said, "I promised you that I would show you what you mean to me. I can assure you that it will be worth your wait. Be patient silly girl. We can do it your way next time."

Just the mere mention of next time made the tingles even stronger. I lay back down on the bed and put my hands down by my sides. I was trying really hard to follow his rules, because I was certain that he would follow through with his promise. I grabbed the blankets under me and let him smother my face and neck with kisses. Every time he made his way back to my mouth, I kissed him back with everything I had in me. I loved the feeling of him groaning into my mouth. I knew that he was feeling the tingling too because he was grabbing the blankets next to my head. Deciding to take advantage of how turned on I knew he was becoming, I licked his ear and trailed down his jawline ending at his mouth. His groan this time came out as almost a growl. I wrapped the one leg that I could get free around his waist, pulling him into me. Having decided that if he was planning on torturing me slowly, I was going to make things as difficult as possible, I arched into him again. This had the desired effect as his hands made their way to my breast. He was teasing first one, then another through the thin fabric of my tank.

Groaning into his mouth, I pulled him even tighter with the leg I had wrapped around his waist. I had wiggled my hands between us so that I was able to start pulling on the bottom of his shirt. His smooth chest was heaving as I rubbed up and down his ribs. I loved the feeling of his quivering muscles underneath my hands. I kept rubbing his ribs, chest and back until he had moved enough for me to unbutton his jeans.

Edward shifted a bit so that he was able to lift me enough to take off my shirt. He pinned my hands next to my head as he kissed and licked all of the skin my shirt had been covering. I could feel heat radiating up and down my spine as I groaned again. I loved the feel of Edward's lips against my skin as he smiled. Squeezing my hands tightly, as if to say don't move them, he shifted off of me and pulled my pants and panties down kissing his way down my legs as he went. He took his time kissing his way back up to where I so desperately wanted him. His hands were rubbing the outside of my thighs as he gently pulled my legs apart and started kissing the inside of my thighs.

Having been driven to the point that I could no longer control myself, I reached down to grab Edward as I arched my back yet again. He looked up at me with pure desire in his eyes. Pushing myself towards him, I felt Edward's hands tighten on my hips just as I felt his tongue darting out exactly where I was dying to feel it. I could feel the orgasm building immediately. As he continued to tickle me with his tongue, he slid his fingers up and into me. Within seconds, my entire body was reacting to his touch. It took every ounce of restraint that I had to not scream. Instead, I grabbed a pillow and covered my face as I thrust my hips into his hands feeling the powerful release. As I slowly started to regain my senses, Edward removed his fingers and took the pillow off my face. He was looking at me with that smug "I told you so" look that he always had after getting me off.

"Bella, I know you aren't ready to love me fully yet, but I needed to show you that I truly do love you."

I wasn't finished with his body yet, but it seemed to be an appropriate time. "Edward, I have never stopped loving you fully. I'm just not ready to trust you yet. Keep doing what you're doing, and we'll see what happens."

I screamed once or twice that night. Thankfully, Edward kept the pillow close enough that I was able to muffle it. The kids never woke.