Again - sorry for the long delay.
I have a really hard time writing the lemony bits *blushes*
Chapter 20
The rest of the evening went quite well. I was mortified about by my bathing suit slipping, but we got it taken care of, and I decided that I should not make a big deal out of it... well sort of. Rose and Alice had come running to my rescue. They retied the bathing suit so that it fit a little more snugly, giving the triangles less chance for movement.
"I don't know why you are even bothering; if you think I am getting in the pool again in this thing, you are both out of your fucking minds!"
Rose put another drink in my hand while Alice pouted, "Oh come on Bella! The triangle just slipped a little, it's not like you lost your entire top. Besides, it would have stayed in place fine if Edward hadn't been messing with it right before you went in the pool."
Feeling warm from the drink Rose gave me, I couldn't stay mad for too long. "It's just embarrassing."
I chanced a glance over at the guys who were paying absolutely no attention to me whatsoever. They were goofing off with Jane. Knowing that I had overreacted, I fixed my attitude and decided to play nice. I was going to think of something to royally fuck Emmett over though. If not tonight, then soon.
Little Jane was so much fun, and it was obvious that Edward was totally enamored with her. He was a complete doting uncle, diving under to get things for her and chasing her around whenever she asked him to. It was fun to watch him with her. As a mother of a three year old, I know how tiring it can become to play the same game over and over and over, but Edward didn't seem to mind one bit. I wondered how he would act with Leah. Put those thoughts out of your head Bella. I think we played Marco Polo for hours.
Tired and hungry (swimming always does that to me), I climbed out of the pool, checking and double checking my bathing suit top, to dry off. I realized that if we were going to eat dinner, I would probably have to fix it. I sat in the lounge chair with my big fluffy towel wrapped around me and watched the family playing. Shortly after I got out, Edward noticed that I was gone, and he came to sit behind me on the chair. He pulled me back into his chest as he slid both of his hands under my towel. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of his hands on me. Being comfortably tipsy and exhausted, I absolutely refused to feel anything but happy at this moment.
His hands started rubbing up and down my ribcage as he whispered, "I really like this bathing suit on you."
I wiggled a little so that his hands had easier access and told him that I was glad that he liked it but that he would never see me in it again.
"Well," he said it that sexy voice of his, "If you hate it that much, then I think we need to get it off of you right away." His hands were roaming a little more urgently.
One sentence. That was all it took for him to turn my brain into mush. I felt so ridiculous that the mere mention of sex with Edward could still make me act like a teenage girl. "Your entire family is in the pool 10 feet away," was all I managed to get out.
"They won't mind if we head up to my room for a little while."
Before I could even think, I was up off the chair and heading into the house. Edward was right behind me. He didn't take his hands off of me for one second.
The house had changed so much, I was afraid I would go to the totally wrong place. I stepped to the side to let Edward lead. Instead of stepping in front of me, he pulled me into his chest and just held me.
I could feel the smirk on his face as he spoke quietly into my ear, "Do you not remember the way, or do I just have you so flustered you can't walk anymore?"
I haughtily responded as I turned to face him, "Don't flatter yourself Mr. Cullen. I am no horny little teenager; I can certainly manage all by my lonesome."
"Maybe, but what fun would that be when I am here to manage things for you?" He began kissing along my jaw line, which actually did make my legs feel a little bit weak. I was not about to admit it though. He made his way to my mouth. "Bella..." and he stopped speaking.
I wanted to protest; I wanted to know what he was about to say, but I couldn't think of anything but the way he was making me feel. Although I didn't think it was even possible, he was pulling me closer into him. I had always loved the way his body felt, and none of that had changed. He had remained solid, and chiseled through the years. I stood on my toes so that I could gently bite his neck. His hands tightened on my back, and before I knew what was happening, I was being lifted off my feet. I wrapped my hands around his neck and allowed him to carry me while I continued to nibble. He didn't turn the lights on in the room that he carried me into, but I could see the outline of his furniture. I was amazed to realize that from what I could tell, nothing had changed. He put me down at the edge of his bed, and laced his fingers into mine. I tried to ask him what he had been about to say, but he cut me off with another mind blowing kiss.
When Edward kissed me, I forgot who or what I was. I forgot everything that was going on around me. It had always been like that with him. It's why we almost got caught in the act so many times. All of my judgment and level headedness went out the window as soon as he touched me. It was like he had this magic over me, something almost mythical, and I couldn't resist. Really, it wasn't just his kiss; it was everything about him. His voice, his appearance, he was just my Edward. I didn't understand why, at this very minute, my Edward was pulling away from me - until I realized that he had just gone back to close and lock the bedroom door. In the time it took him to walk to the door and back, I could actually feel the void. For what felt like the hundredth time since breakfast, I realized that I was in over my head, and that this "fling" that I had wanted was more than a fling.
Not knowing that the shivers and goose bumps were from him touching me rather than the towel I had wrapped around me being thrown on the floor, Edward pulled me into the bed with him and made sure that I was covered. I tried to pull the blanket off so that I could feel him against me, but every time I moved, he would just cover me back up. It could have been funny... could have been. I finally sat up and pulled the blanket off of me.
Looking down, I said, "I probably wouldn't be shivering if I didn't have on a wet bathing suit."
Moving quickly to help me untie the bathing suit, Edward bent down so that he could look directly at me and make sure that I could see the teasing look on his face. "Bella, if you had wanted me to take your suit off, you could have just asked. You didn't have to make me worry about you." I teasingly smacked at him, but he just grabbed my hands and put them above my head. "I would imagine that the bottoms of your bathing suit are making you cold as well." He kissed me again as he slid his hands down my arms and body to try to take my bathing suit completely off.
"Um, we have to leave that part on."
It seemed to take Edward a minute to comprehend what I was saying, but realization dawned on his face as he asked me, "Bella, do you really think it matters? I can assure you that it doesn't bother me."
"It matters to me." I said, totally disgusted with myself.
Between kisses, Edward informed me that we would have to enjoy ourselves in other ways. Quite frankly, I was pissed.
I started to protest as soon as his lips left mine, but they began working their magic on my neck before I could say anything. I could feel the warmth of his lips as they moved down my collarbone. As much as I wanted to simply bask in the sensations of feeling Edward touching me and kissing me, my body wanted more. Pushing myself into him, I made my needs known. I wrapped my legs around his waist just in case he didn't understand what I was trying to tell him.
"Bella, you are making it very difficult for me to do this slowly like I had planned."
Before I even knew what I was saying, I replied with "Fuck slowly!"
"That was the plan."
I wanted Edward to feel the pleasure that he was giving to me. I tried several times to get my arms between us so that I could push him down onto his back, but every time I would try to move my arms, he would stop me. "Please let me do this my way Bella."
With a shit-eating grin on my face, I looked at Edward, pulled my arms out of his hands and started playing with the waistband of his shorts. "I promise you that if you let me do this my way." I stopped to kiss him, starting with his eyes and planting tiny kisses all over his face until I came to his mouth. "You won't regret it."
As I pushed my tongue into his mouth, I was able to get my hand inside the shorts that he was wearing. He moaned into my mouth as I put my hand around him. I pulled my mouth away long enough to give him an "I told you so" look, but he quickly pulled my face back to him.
"There will be no doing anything slowly if you keep doing what you're doing," he growled into my mouth.
Smiling as I kissed him again, I told him that I was going to set the pace this time, and that he just needed to deal with it. He couldn't really argue with me as my hand started working. He just dropped his head back and groaned again.
"Hm, that's what I thought!" I said as I began kissing his neck and chest. Besides, we have a little extra time this weekend. Charlie isn't bringing the kids back until Wednesday. You should be able to do whatever you want, as slowly as you want by tomorrow." I tightened my hand as I spoke causing him to groan again.
I tried to tug his shorts down with my free hand, but it wasn't working. I had to stop what I was doing in order to get his shorts off. This time his groan wasn't quite so intense, but he did give his shorts a good tug, making them much easier for me to get them off. As I started kissing his chest again, he pulled my face up to his and kissed me again. He managed to make me forget what I was doing simply by kissing me. Things became almost frenzied as his hands and mouth explored my body. I could feel both of us losing control, and I wanted to make sure that Edward was feeling every bit as out of control as I was. I managed to turn us more on our sides so that I was able to move a little more easily. I gently bit his shoulder and began licking down his arms and chest resulting in a guttural moan. Kissing my way down his body, I took him into my mouth. Watching his hands grasp and ungrasp the sheets was a surprising turn on for me. I licked the tip of him and took him in my mouth again. Listening to the sounds that Edward was making and knowing that I was the person responsible for his pleasure was incredible. I could tell he was getting close to the edge by the way his breathing was hitched and broken. For a final time, I licked up and down his length and under the tip and took him in my mouth. His hips began to work on their own forcing him deeper into my mouth as he finished. I was fascinated with the way his hands turned white as he clinched his fists in the sheets and thought about the things I would like for those strong hands to do to my body.
As if reading my mind, his hands started tugging me up towards him in the bed. His kisses were a bit more gentle but still every bit as powerful. I didn't expect him to kiss my mouth directly, but apparently he had no qualms as he gently licked at my lips and pierced my mouth with his tongue. Those strong hands began working their magic, rubbing me exactly where I needed to be rubbed. Edward pushed one leg between my thighs and pushed me into him. With his other hand, he began rubbing against me. Feeling my entire body tense with anticipation, I bit Edward's shoulder again, this time a little bit harder. I didn't think about it for long once Edward groaned again and pushed against me more forcefully. I was too busy focusing on the fact that every nerve in my body was on fire. I could feel all of my muscles tensing. I screamed as the orgasm hit me, and I tried to find a pillow to muffle the sound. Since there wasn't one close enough, I buried my head in Edward's shoulder, hoping that would help some as my lower body took over and continued thrusting into his leg.
"God, you're beautiful! I could watch you all day."
"Yes, I'm sure that I looked so attractive a few minutes ago. You're just saying that because I gave you a blow job!"
"That was no ordinary blow job, I can assure you," he said as he was putting his dry clothes back on.
The kicks in the ribs and the constant sound of little snores weren't all that bad. It was the occasional screams and the inconsolable sobbing that I couldn't deal with as a mother. The sheer panic I would feel when Seth would climb into the bed with me, because I knew I was a failure as a mother, is what I dreaded each and every night. I could do absolutely nothing to take the pain away from that little face full of anguish.
The first night that I heard the screams, the night of the funeral, I rushed into Seth's room and scooped him out of his bed. I brought him with me into my room and held him while we both cried. Sometime during that night, little Leah must have heard us and woken up as well. She ended up in the bed with us, and we all cried ourselves out. That night seemed to go on forever. Seth was repeating over and over, almost in a catatonic state, that he wanted his Daddy. Leah would try to copy Seth, and I could do nothing but sit there and cry with them.
It was almost the only thing Seth said for the first few weeks, "I want my Daddy." As a counselor, I should have known the stages of grief that they, Seth more than Leah, would need to go through, but as a mother, it was impossible to separate myself from the situation enough to realize that he was coping in his own little way. I spent every second with my little guys trying to make up for the fact that they were sad and upset and that I could do nothing about it.
For the first time in his life, Seth had become clingy. I'm talking the kid that screams if his mother leaves the room to go to the bathroom, clingy. Needless to say, returning to school after the few weeks of vacation he had for Christmas, was difficult for both of us. Not knowing what else to do, I sat with him in his kindergarten class. I thought that if I showed him that it was safe, that I was a permanent fixture, he would start to adjust. It didn't work. Soon Seth started pitching fits and hitting classmates. I was able to take leave from work for several months, so I ended up becoming a permanent fixture in Seth's class. When I would reprimand him for his behavior, he would get worse. It was so bad, that his teacher asked me not to stay more than an hour or so in the mornings.
I didn't know what to do with myself when I wasn't taking care of Seth. I would stay at the school and volunteer in someone's room, which was incredibly difficult, because there were days that I would be able to hear him crying for his Mommy. These days turned into weeks, and soon it was time for me to return to work.
It wasn't until Embry pointed out to me that I was having just as much difficulty as they were, that I even stopped to acknowledge my reaction to the death of my husband. I wish I could say that I realized I needed to step up as a mother and teach my children some coping skills, but the fact of the matter was, I still thought that I was doing what was best for everyone by trying to take the place of their Daddy. My life had become a continuous cycle of sleepless nights, followed by tearful mornings, followed by temper tantrums all the way into the babysitters house and the kindergarten classroom. I would get to work each day and enjoy the few minutes of quiet time before I would be expected to help children coping with their own problems. There was one girl, in particular, that I took an interest in. She was a 12 year old girl named Jennifer whose mother had died of Colon Cancer the previous summer.
Jennifer had been having run-ins with another little girl all year long by the time she came to me to talk about bullying. From the information I was able to get out of her, the other little girl had been teasing Jennifer about boys and just saying plain hurtful things that middle school girls say to each other. I asked her if she had spoken with her father about the girl, and she answered me, "Ms. Black, I know that he's my Dad, but he doesn't understand this stuff. He would try, because that's what he does, but he isn't a mother, and he never will be. Things would be a lot better for both of us if he would just quit trying to take her place."
From the mouths of babes...
That afternoon, I picked Seth up from school, determined to have a nice afternoon. No sooner had I pulled out of Leah's sitter's driveway, than Seth had reached over and pulled her hair hard enough to make her scream. When I asked him why he would hurt his sister on purpose, I expected another sarcastic remark from him. Instead I got sobs. Seth was so upset that I couldn't get him to answer me in the car. He was crying so hard that he could barely speak. Leah had started crying too, by this point, and I was focusing on getting us home.
I used my best counselor voice when I spoke, "Seth, I know you are upset about the death of your father, but that doesn't give you the right..."
"You don't know!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "You didn't even love Daddy, or you would be upset too. You hate me and you want me to die too!"
I looked over at Seth, only I was in the passenger seat of Jake's truck now, and it was Jake looking back at me. "I can't believe you don't even care. You didn't love me, you're such a fucking whore!"
Just as he said it, I could see the semi barreling down on his side of the truck. I tried to yell at Jake to stop the car, but I couldn't speak. I turned away so that I wouldn't have to see anything, but I never heard the sound of the crash. When I turned back to look at him, Jake had turned into Lauren.
"No, Bella. You aren't a whore, you are just a clueless bitch. You didn't even know that your husband was fucking my brains out on a regular basis. You know that he was coming home from my house the night of the accident. He fucked me good that night. You know it, you're just too stupid to admit it. And you know why Jacob fucked me instead of going home to you? It's because you never gave him the love he deserved. You were always pining over that Edward guy, and he didn't love you enough to stick around either."
"That's not true," I tried to say. Only this time I was talking to Jessica.
"What's not true, Bella? That you're sleeping with my leftovers? That Jake died coming home from someone else's bed because you didn't love him enough to give him what he needed. Come on Bella, he married me!"
I was awoken by a sudden stop. We were close to my house, which meant I had been asleep for quite a while. Disoriented, I asked Edward why we had pulled into a grocery store parking lot.
I didn't realize that I was crying until I felt Edward's hand pulling my chin toward him in the car. "What's with the tears, B?"
I smiled at him, "To tell you the truth, I don't know. I was just thinking about how different my life is now than it was two years ago."
To be totally honest, I knew that I was thinking about these things out of guilt. I had spent such a nice day with Edward and his normal family, that it was surreal. Esme's words about her allegiance to her son were playing over and over in my head on the drive home. Seth had come so far since his father's accident, that I was completely terrified my newfound giddiness would somehow hinder his progress. I guess I started thinking about his journey and fell asleep.
Edward looked truly concerned when he spoke. "Is it because you spent the day with my family, or is it me?"
I tried to reassure him that it was neither. "I was thinking about Seth and how difficult things were for him after Jake died. I guess I fell asleep."
"Please talk to me. You said Jessica's name right before you woke up."
I certainly wasn't ready to talk to him about it right now. "It was just a bad dream, Edward. Seth turned into Jake who turned into Lauren who then turned into Jessica. It's okay, really!"
Not convinced, Edward pulled back out into the light traffic. He glanced at me every few minutes to make sure I wasn't crying again. "Are you hungry?"
The plan had been for me to cook dinner for the crew, and then we were all going to hang out a bit longer. But when Edward and I walked downstairs from our afternoon, there was a note on the refrigerator door that everyone had decided to go out since we were taking too long. There was a smiley face drawn on the note telling me that it had been written by Alice. However, on the bottom of the page in Rosalie's very distinct handwriting was another note:
Remember Edward, I will cut your balls off if you hurt her again!
Love,
Rose
"No, I was hungry, but now I'm just really tired. Swimming always does that to me." I tried to keep my voice as normal and casual as possible, but I was really shaken up by that dream. For some reason, Esme's words: "Did you ever question his love for you?" kept running through my mind. The answer was undoubtedly yes. It just reiterated the fact that I had never felt like I belonged in his world.
The remaining few minutes in the car passed quietly. I knew Edward was concerned because he kept glancing at me. He held my hand tightly and would lean over to kiss me every chance he got. As we pulled into my driveway, he asked me if I wanted to go anywhere or do anything.
"I think I just want to go to bed."
"Bella, it's only 9:30. Are you sure?"
I tried to keep my voice light, but I really wanted to cry. "I'm sure. I want nothing more that a hot shower and my bed."
Leaning over to kiss my as he opened my door, he said, "A hot shower does sound nice."
Normally, a shower with Edward would be a perfect remedy for my blues, but this time I couldn't do it. I didn't want to sound bitchy or mean, but I needed a few minutes alone. "I'll be quick, then it's all yours."
Knowing that I had probably hurt his feelings, I tried to step in front of Edward so that I didn't see the look on his face. I was being a total bitch, but I did not want to break down in front of him.
"Bella, do you want me to leave?" He sounded so sad.
Not knowing what I wanted or how I felt, I told him the only thing I could think of. "No, I will only be a few minutes." I tried really hard to lighten my voice as I spoke again, "Then maybe we can watch a movie in bed or something."
I turned around so that he didn't see the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I didn't look back until I had the bathroom door firmly shut and locked. After turning on the shower and standing under the hot water for a few minutes, I did feel better. I was able to tell myself that I was being totally irrational and that it was just a dream. I spent a few more minutes in the bathroom just to allow myself time to calm down. I checked my face in the mirror, put on my big fluffy pink robe and walked into my bedroom to find Edward laying in my bed. He had taken his shirt off and was leaning back against the headboard flipping channels with the remote. As soon as he saw me, he put the remote down and held out his arms.
I climbed into his arms and snuggled into his chest. He smelled so good that I could feel myself relaxing just by breathing him in. He rubbed my head and arms for a while, and we just sat there and watched whatever random show was on the television. After a few minutes, he pulled my face up to look at him and kissed me gently. "Bella, baby, what is it."
His arms made a steel cage around me, so I knew there was no escape. All of the will power in the world couldn't stop the tears that started flowing. I tried to look away from him, but he just kept pulling my face back to his. "Please Bella, whatever it is, let's talk about it. I know it has something to do with Jessica."
Hating the fact that I knew I was going to sound clingy and needy, I looked away as much as he would let me. "I need to know, Edward. Why did you marry her. I didn't think it mattered, but it does. I don't get the whole, I've never stopped loving you thing. It just doesn't make sense."
Edward sighed and kissed my nose. "Where do I start?"
Will his answer be good enough - probably not.
Please review - good or bad.
