A/N - I'm hoping not to lose too many of you with this... Let the Edward/Jessica wackiness ensue...
Chapter 21
"You know, Bella. There are psychologists that specialize in dream interpretation. It isn't an area that I have particularly studied, but I can tell you there are several schools of thought." Rose's voice on the other end of the phone sounded interested.
Edward was still asleep, and I knew that I should have been. But I had woken up still bothered by my weird dream in the car last night, and I wanted to see If Rose had any insight for me, so I called her on her cell. I also just wanted to talk to someone that I knew would be objective about the all-night discussion that had taken place following the crazy dream.
Rose was still speaking, so I made myself focus on her voice rather than on my own inner monologue. "... feel that dreams are the manifestation of wishes that have not been fulfilled. In that case, maybe your dream signifies that you would feel better about your current situation if you knew that Jacob was guilty of infidelity. There's probably some deeper meaning involving your relationship with Edward and your kids that has to do with Jake. If you were going to subscribe to this theory, you would also want to consider the fact that Jessica showed up last in your dream and mostly asked questions of you. Perhaps your wish there, would be to have questions answered."
"Do you think that's what the dream was about?"
Rose sounded so professional. It was weird having her talk to me without all the profanities and with the professional edge in her voice. "As I said, I've never paid a lot of attention to dream interpretation. I can just give you overall viewpoints. I honestly don't think it matters what school of thought people belong to though; I think it's more about associating the dream with your particular situation."
I pondered that for a minute. "What are some of the other theories?" I was truly interested in the dream theories by this point.
"Well, there's the theory that the people in a person's dream are representative of the actual people and the person having the dream. In that case, Seth could have been representing the sad little boy that he actually was when Jacob died, but he could have also been representative of your guilt. Although I wouldn't worry too much about his part in your dream because you aren't sure where you stopped remembering and where you started dreaming. From what I remember, most of the Seth part actually did happen, so I don't think that was part of your dream."
Rose had been around a lot when Seth was going through his grieving process. She was the person that finally pushed me into taking him to see someone. I had wanted her to work with him, but she was entirely too close to the situation, and she was concerned that he wouldn't be able to talk to her about his anger towards me, so we found someone that specialized in working with children.
I had to stop her there. "I don't think that any part of me will ever be represented by Lauren Mallory."
"So you don't think that the Lauren that was telling you about her relationship with Jacob was the part of your brain that has been suspicious of something between them for years? Bella, you've never talked about the fact that he was coming from somewhere he had no business being on the night of his accident."
Of course, she was right again. I could totally understand everything that she was saying when she put it in perspective. Figuring out how I was represented in Jessica wasn't too difficult. She was asking the questions that I had wanted answers to.
"There are many other theories that people believe, but again, I think that you can apply all of the theories to your dream, and you will come up with essentially the same answer. You want some answers. If you write your dream down, I would be happy to go over it with you sometime and research some of the potential meanings. I would love to talk to Em about it, but I won't. To be brutally honest, I don't give a shit about the dream right now, I want to know more about the conversation that followed."
Shrink Rosalie was going back to bed, and my best friend Rose was coming back out.
I was still not used to the idea that my Rose was dating Edward's brother that had been picking on me since I was 15 years old. "Tell me more about your relationship with Edward's brother," I inquired.
Rose was quick to respond. "Not right now, sister. As much as I can't wait to have that conversation with you and tell you about our mind blowing sex..."
"Ewww"
"Whatever! Anyway, you called me to talk about you, and I want to know all about the rest of your evening last night. I already know enough about your afternoon, by the way, you can skip that part."
"What are you talking about?"
"Bella, we all heard you screaming from downstairs! Not that I don't want you to have amazing sex, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to hear it while it's happening. I must say though, it's good to know that you enjoy sex. I don't think I heard you and Jake one time. And our beds were on the same wall!"
"Please tell me that you are the only person that heard us!"
"No can do, girlie. We all heard you. Jasper told little Jane that you weren't hurt, and that Edward was tickling you. I'm not going to let you change the subject though, spill it!"
I was completely mortified, but Rose was right. We could talk about all of that later. I didn't know how much time I had until Edward woke up, and I really needed to talk to her.
Edward sighed and kissed my nose. "Where do I start?"
I started to reply, but he stopped me by putting his fingers to my lips. "That was a rhetorical question. I'm not sure it matters where I start or what I say, I don't think I can ever make you understand."
I pulled away from him a little bit. "Nothing like a vague response. Edward, I deserve to know what happened."
"I'm not saying you don't B. I will tell you everything that you want to know, but I'm not really sure that it matters. I hurt you and for that I will never be able to forgive myself."
I just looked at him.
"Bella, I've had years to realize how stupid I was. I should have listened to every person that told me so. The only people that knew about my fertility issues were my parents, and they let me know daily that I was fucking up royally. My mother would get so angry with me that she couldn't even look at me for the longest time. My dad once explained to me that she knew I was hurting myself, and she couldn't stand to watch it. It wasn't just about that though. I had this idea in my head that I wasn't good enough for you in any way. You were so strong and so good, even after your issues with your Mom and Phil. Which by the way, since we are being totally honest, we need to talk about Phil sometime soon. I have some information that I think I should share with you."
He kissed my head and continued, "But back to us...
I must have been looking at him funny because he laughed a little and kissed my head again.
"I'm sorry Bella, but I wanted to tell you that I had something else to discuss with you while we were talking. I know it's random, but that's how I work. Anyway, back to my royally fucking up and my mother not speaking to me."
I just kept looking at him, assuming that he would start making sense soon.
"I'm pretty sure that I told you about the conversation we had when you were in the hospital and the way I felt like I had been hit in the gut. I knew that me not being able to have kids would have been something that you would deal with, but I wasn't sure you would be able to deal with the fact that I hadn't told you as soon as we started talking about plans for the future."
I interrupted him, "Edward, I don't mean to sound cold or crass, but we've already discussed why you felt the need to leave and destroy us and me."
No matter how much I tried, I could not stop the tears from falling. "I'm asking you why, no, how you could marry someone else when you supposedly still loved me?"
"Please baby, don't cry." Edward pulled me into his chest and peppered my shoulders with tiny little kisses.
"I know you don't want to hear about my reasons for the whole thing anymore, but Bella, it's all entwined. All of the stupid decisions that I made are a result of a complete and total lack of wanting to live without you. It's easy to look back now and say that I should have just been honest with you and tried to work things out, but I was convinced that your life would be better without me in it. And to some extent, I was right."
He knew that I couldn't argue with him because that would mean that I resented my children or wasn't fulfilled by them.
"I still think you're avoiding the topic, Edward. I am asking you specifically about your relationship with Jessica."
"I'm getting there, I promise. Do you remember the weekend that you came home from school right before I left for Dartmouth?
I willed my voice not to shake. "I could never forget," was all I could manage to get out.
"I don't know if you will believe me, but I was not at the movies with Jessica that night. We just ran into each other, and we were talking. I looked up, and there you were." His voice actually started quivering as he said, "I will never forget the look of complete anguish on your face, never."
I interrupted, "Edward, I had been wondering about you and Jessica dating for a few months before that night. I had even asked you if the two of you were dating, but you always told me that you weren't."
"We weren't dating. Until that night." The last words were spoken so softly, I wasn't sure if Edward meant for me to hear them.
My body tensed involuntarily. I pulled away from him. It occurred to me that it was getting late, and I was completely worn out. The last time he and I had a conversation about our breakup when I was tired, I had a complete meltdown. I didn't want to be such a drama queen this time, and quite frankly I was too damned tired to put on a show.
Edward was staring at me as I told him that I needed a few minutes. "Do you want anything from the kitchen?" I managed to get the words out as I was scrambling off the bed to put some space between us.
Not even paying attention to Edward's answer, I rushed out of the room. The tears came. I kept telling myself that it was all in the past and that none of it really mattered anymore, but suddenly I felt like that girl so many years ago. I wondered why I even asked Edward about Jessica. There was a part of me, a huge part, that didn't want to know any of it. I knew that Edward was waiting for me, but I couldn't make myself care. I walked out onto the porch with a glass of water and sat in my favorite chair. I don't know how long I sat there, staring out towards the river; I could picture Edward and I making out on that first night that he came to see me. I knew that night, but I was too stupid to admit it to myself, that this would not be just a fling. The question that kept running through my head was whether or not I would be able to feel safe with Edward; would I always feel like second best. I started thinking about my life over the past few months with him in it. Things were good. I didn't want to go back to the way things were before he came back.
I got up to go back inside and I noticed Edward was sitting on the couch in the living room. His shoes were next to him on the couch, but he was just sitting with his head between his hands. Standing in the doorway, I asked him if he was leaving.
He looked up at me with a tear stained face and said, "I assumed that you wanted me to go."
Every rational part of me disappeared for a few minutes as I walked to him and sat in his lap. I had never seen Edward cry, and I didn't think I could handle it.
"No, I don't want you to go," I said. "I just needed a few minutes to catch my breath. Who knew that talking about stuff that happened so long ago would cause so much emotion."
"Bella, I have never hated myself more than I did that night. Just now, watching you run out of the bedroom with that same pained look on your face, it kills me. I know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to take some of that away, but please know that I will spend the rest of my life trying."
"I don't want you to do anything out of guilt, Edward I..." but he stopped me before I could finish by putting his hands on my lips again.
"Nothing that I am doing or have done is out of guilt. I simply want to make you happy. I know we aren't here, and you don't particularly want to hear it, but I love you, Bella. I have loved you since the day I met you; we've always had this almost animalistic need for each other. That hasn't gone away at all for me, and if truth be told, watching you now, seeing how strong and determined you are, it's probably gotten stronger."
I started picking at my fingernails, because I really wasn't ready for our conversation to take this turn.
"You thought Jessica and I were dating because I wanted you to think that. I thought that if you could get on with your life, it would be a lot easier for me. The fact that she and I were both going to Dartmouth gave us something to bond over, I guess you could say." He was staring at the coffee table as he spoke, "We were both running away from something. I just knew that if I got as far away from you as possible, then you would be able to move on and live a happy life. Jess was just trying to get away from Forks in general."
I wanted to interrupt him with a million questions so badly, but he was telling his story, and I knew I needed to let him finish.
"She had talked about dating, but I just couldn't. She knew that I loved you, so she didn't push it. When I saw you at the movie theater, I knew instantly what you thought. I knew you thought that I was there 'with' her. I wanted to run to you and tell you that I wasn't, so badly. I wanted to grab you and hold you. But I didn't. As I said, I knew that you would think I was with Jessica, and in my warped mind, I decided that was for the best. I thought for sure that you would confront me. Instead, you looked at me like I had just died to you, and you walked away. I was a mess."
Edward looked at me then. He laced his fingers in mine and said, "I don't want to hurt you anymore. Are you sure you want to hear the rest?"
"I do," I replied. "I don't think we can ever move on with this huge elephant in the room."
I could tell that Edward was uncomfortable as he started speaking again. "I didn't want to go home that night, because I could not take the death glares that I was getting from Mom. I knew that if she started in one more time on how stupid I was being, that I would cave. I was pretty sure that you hated me at that point, so I figured I may as well stick with my plan. Jessica offered to take me somewhere, but I had no idea where I wanted to go, so I gave some guy fifty bucks to buy me a bottle of cheap vodka and we drove around and got drunk. Neither one of us wanted to go home drunk, so we found a park and we just sat there and talked. She told me that she wasn't at all interested in having a family, so she was trying to get the hell out of Forks because that's what everyone expected of the girls from here."
I stopped him. I had a feeling about what was coming, so I thought I would make it easier on both of us. "Are you about to tell me that the two of you slept together?"
He actually smirked a little as he spoke this time. "I would much rather skip over that part and pretend it never happened. It wasn't just that we slept together though, we drank an entire bottle of vodka and decided that in order for people to get off of our backs, we needed to get married. Jessica was convinced that her family would be satisfied, and I knew my mother would at least keep her comments to herself . She is, after all, Esme Cullen."
I couldn't not interrupt him this time. "So you're telling me that you ran off and got married after a conversation over a bottle of vodka... seriously."
"Yep, pretty much. I don't want to mislead you though, we tried to do the married couple thing. We enjoyed each other's company, so we were okay just hanging out or whatever, but I never loved Jessica. She knew it, and she was fine with it."
"By married couple thing, you are referring to sex?" I needed to know.
"Among other things. Jessica and I both thought that since we got married, we should make a go at being a real couple. We pretended really well for a few years, but it just got old. We both got tired of pretending, and we settled into a routine of being roommates, when we were in the same place, that is."
He seemed to be waiting for the barrage of questions that he knew I had, so I didn't disappoint. I decided to start with the end, "If you had settled into a routine of being roommates, why the divorce?"
"That one is easy, B. Your husband passed away."
I just stared at him.
He continued, "I realized what a fucked up mess I had made about two years too late. I guess I just grew up a bit, and realized that I was an idiot. I essentially created a problem between us because I had a problem. By that point, I hadn't spoken to you in a while, and I didn't want to cause you any more pain. I knew that I was going to have to have some contact with you, so I found your email address. The first time I emailed you, I was fishing to see what was going on in your life. It's when you told me about a boy."
"I honestly don't know what to say, Edward."
"I know, pretty fucked up, isn't it. I did some checking on Jacob Black. Part of me wanted to find out that he was a complete and total prick with a secret life somewhere, but a much bigger part of me just wanted for you to be happy. When all I could turn up was that he was an athlete and that he grew up with his Dad, I figured he was alright."
"I have so many questions, I don't even know where to start," I said as I continued to stare at the man sitting next to me. "I think I need some time to process all of this information before I can really dig into it."
"Dig away. I will answer any questions truthfully. You may not love the answer, and you may not love the person that I became for quite some time, but I will not lie to you again."
My head was spinning and I was completely exhausted. The conversation was coming to an end, and I could feel all of the emotion from the day seizing me. Edward was a mess. Of course he was still the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen, but his hair was tousled, and he still had tear stains down his face. I focused on his chest so that I didn't have to see how difficult this was on him. I wasn't supposed to care about that part - he left me.
He gently lifted my chin and whispered, "I know I fucked up. Please don't walk out of my life again. I'm pretty sure that I couldn't live through it twice."
Not knowing what to say, I did the one thing that came naturally to me. I kissed him.
Wiggling myself a little deeper into his lap, I wrapped my fingers around his neck as I pulled his mouth into mine a little bit more forcefully. Pulling my hands down so that he could lace our fingers together, he pulled away from the kiss. He rested his forehead on mine and said, "I know that I'm breaking our current rules, and I know that I'm not supposed to say this, but I love you Bella."
He gently kissed the corners of my lips before I could respond. We kissed for what seemed like hours, and when we were both worn out beyond words, Edward pulled me off of the couch and carried me to bed. I didn't have any dreams this time.
"You have got to be fucking kidding me. He married her for a bottle of vodka?"
"Well, he didn't exactly marry her for a bottle of vodka, they decided to get married over a bottle."
"Don't fucking argue semantics with me, this is some crazy shit! Does Em know any of this?"
"Rose, I don't think anyone but his parents, me, and now you, know the story. Please don't... I gotta go. I think Edward is up. I'll call you later."
Rose promised me that she wouldn't talk to Emmett about any of this and made me promise that I would call her back as soon as I could. Just as I was hanging up, Edward walked out onto the porch. I still marveled at how sexy he was, wearing nothing but shorts and a shit-eating grin.
"I'm assuming you were talking to Rosalie." He leaned over and kissed me. "Good morning, by the way."
"Good morning," I replied, "and yep... talking to Rose"
"If you are worried about her talking to Emmett, don't be. I have now told the only person, whose opinion matters, about what a fuck up I am. The question is, is she going to put up with me?"
Crazy enough? Do you forgive Edward even just a little bit?
2 updates in 2 days! I doubt I will be able to keep it up, but enjoy.
