This chapter has been edited. I apologize for any confusion this may cause. This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction. I look forward to constructive criticism and ecstatic recommendations!
This is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. If I owned Jasper I could think of lots of ways to pass the time, none of them by writing.
The title of my story is from the song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" which is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. Although there may be some similarities to the lyrics, the plot line is strictly my own.
The writing style will change in this chapter. WARNING! There will also be strong language. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! As always, this story is written from Jasper's POV unless otherwise stated.
Chapter 4 – The Discussion
JPOV
I was surprised and upset to see him here. After months of his neglect, now he shows up? As I stared at him, my anger began to rise. How dare he stand there looking miserable! He has the perfect life…no one ever hit him, no one ever screamed at him, he walks around school like he owns the place. My vision started to turn red…
"Jasper? Jasper, I…"
"NO! You don't get to speak to me in my house, in my room! Just…just…shut the fuck up!"
I saw him shudder and look down to the floor again. His hands clenched, but he didn't look mad. Maybe dejected? Distraught? I don't know, I was too mad to care.
I threw my book roughly into the side of my dresser and stood up. I saw him take a small step back and my rage increased. Why is he here? To rub my face in his triumphs, his perfect life? As I advanced on him, I realized I probably looked like a panther stalking his prey. I was feral and dangerous, and I was way past anger now. This is the man who is trying to hurt me, maybe even destroy me. My ex best friend, my ex confidant, my…I don't know what he is now! All I could see was red.
"What are you doing here?"
My question came out as a low, intimidating growl. I clenched my fists at my sides, or I would hit him for sure, as I awaited his response.
"Your mom…she…she called my mom…"
"Yeah, so?"
"I…I…didn't know that she…"
I heard a sob come from deep in Edward's chest. He sounded broken some how, and maybe a little afraid. Huh…afraid? He should be. I am not the one who hurt him. I am not the one who ignored him. I am not the one who slapped him and heaped violent words on his head. Ok, in all fairness, the last was Bella…but why did I need to be fair right now? He let her speak to me and hit me like that. He was with her so he must have approved what she said and did, what she called me. All of this, everything, was HIS fault! If he wouldn't have distanced me, thrown me away, wouldn't have got with HER, we would still be friends.
"It is ALL your fault!"
I started pacing, faster and faster across my room, kicking my bed at one end and punching the door frame next to Edward's head at the other. As my knuckles split open, I felt my hate increase. I wanted to pummel him, to hurt him. Everything turned red. My monster was stretching and needed release. Some small part of me did not want to be a bastard like Father, so I took it out on my wall, instead of Eddie's face. Eddie never looked up, never moved, never spoke. Probably the best thing he ever did for himself, because it would only have taken one small sound, one minute movement, and I would have been all over his ass.
"Why are you here? Why now? Why not six months ago?"
OK, pacing and punching was helping, I still wanted to kill him, or kill what he had done, but I was starting to come back down. I began to feel the pain in my hand. I knew if I didn't stop soon, I would probably break something. Maybe I already had. I couldn't let the rage go entirely, but somehow, my hurt was starting to rise. I could feel tears prick at the back of my eyes, but I refused to show him any weakness. I refused to let him see how bad he had wounded me. After all, didn't Father teach me to be a tough boy? A hard ass? Yeah, Edward was NOT going to ever see what his words and actions have done to me!
"Jay…I was wrong. I…I didn't know…I…I'm so…"
"What Eddie! What? You're SORRY! Yeah…you're SORRY all right! A sorry piece of shit!
He took another small step back, into the hall this time, and I rounded on him.
"We were friends. Best friends. We spent every minute together. We did everything together. I thought we'd be friends forever. But NO! NO! You stopped looking at me, stopped seeing me. You ignored me and pushed me away. Why Eddie? Why? What did I ever do to you?"
I was rippin' into him, enraged again, but a small part of me remembered all the times I was the monster. I remembered the times I hurt him, punched him, slapped and kicked him when he fell. But he always forgave me, right? It wasn't like I meant to hurt him. It wasn't really my fault. Father set me up. But Eddie ALWAYS forgave me. What happened? What changed?
"It wasn't you Jay. It was me…I'm…"
"NO! You don't get to say 'sorry' to me, you sorry bastard! And I know it was you. It has to be you because I know it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. Why couldn't you stand to be around me? What was wrong with me?"
A tear ran down my cheek but I roughly swiped it away. He is NOT going to break me!
"Jay, please let me explain! Please!"
With that, he crumpled to the floor, sobbing hoarsely. I stopped in my tracks and just stared at him. I could hear my mom in the kitchen, probably getting supper ready. I could hear the brush of a tree limb gently scraping the window. I could hear a passing car radio. And finally, finally, I could hear the pain and remorse rolling out of the boy lying in a heap at my feet. My rage broke. I stooped next to him and gathered him into my arms, rocking him gently.
"Eddie? Eddie…I'm sorry…I'm sorry. Let's get you into my room before mom comes to investigate. Come on Eddie."
I gently lifted him to his feet and guided him to my bed. I have never seen him so broken. Even when I took out Father's anger on him, he was never so destroyed. Maybe, maybe some of this WAS my fault. Damn, now I was crying too! I had to get away. I couldn't let him see me lose it.
After sitting him on my bed, I stumbled to the bathroom so I could get away for a minute before I broke down too bad in front of him. I ran myself a drink of water, staring at my reflection. I could see the monster Father made. I could also see the boy I tried so desperately to be. I didn't know which one was winning right now, but the monster didn't seem as prominent as he had been just yesterday or even just a few moments ago. I let him out too much these past few months. I picked fights with my words and my fists. I drove people away. I hated myself, so it was only right I hated everyone else. Maybe I drove Eddie to Bella. Maybe none of this was his fault. Maybe I just wasn't good enough to be Eddie's friend. I could feel the self-hate rolling up out of my gut, and I slammed my fist into the mirror, once and then again. The blood and the pain brought me back, and I hung my head and cried.
I cried for all the times I hurt Eddie. I cried for all the times that sick bastard who called himself my Father had struck me and tortured me. I cried for my mom and all the pain she suffered at his hands. I cried for my own rage, my own fear. I cried until I couldn't cry any more. I cried, and something broke inside of me. My chest felt like my heart was smashed. My lungs burned and my stomach surrendered. As I staggered to the floor in front of the toilet and heaved up my guts, I also heaved up part of the monster living inside me all these years. I swore that I no longer was going to be ruled by that part of me. I refused to let Father win. True, he made me strong, but now I was going to learn to be strong enough to fight against his influence. I was going to set it all right again. I was going to be the boy my mom saw. And I was going to forgive Eddie, and hope he could forgive me.
I no longer needed to know why the past year happened. I just had to fix it. I was strong. I could do it. I could face anything. Father taught me that. Maybe it is the only good thing he ever beat into me, but I would make all this better. I could still hear Eddie crying. I had to fix this.
I grabbed a wet washcloth and a glass of water, and crept quietly into my room. Eddie was curled up into a tight ball in the center of my bed, my pillow clenched to his stomach. I could see his pain, and for the first time in months, I actually let myself see Eddie. He was thinner then I remembered. A lot thinner, and his skin was pale and drawn. His hair was longer and even a bigger mess then usual, but there was a greasy kind of shine to it, which made me think he was either not washing it much or trying to slick it back into submission. He had on belted tan slacks and a dark blue button-up long sleeved shirt, which was now pulled out of his pants and rumpled. He never dressed like that before, not when we were friends. He was always in jeans and t-shirts. When did he change? Why did he change? Is this what happened because I wasn't man enough to keep him in my life? Did my monster do this to him? Did he let Bella change him? I couldn't see his face, it was tucked into my pillow, but I could hear his sobs. I had to fix this.
"Eddie? Eddie, come on now. Here, I got you some water. Why don't you sit up and let me help you. Eddie?"
He slowly uncurled and raised his tear stained face to mine. I had to be strong now…strong enough for the both of us. I had to quit looking backwards and start moving forward now. I always was the stronger of us. He was the dreamer…I was the warrior.
"Jay, I don't know how all this happened. I am so sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to. I just don't know what happened! Everything just got away from me and…"
One last sob and he wiped his arm across his eyes, wiping the tears and snot into his shirt sleeve. I handed him the washcloth and he clutched it in his lap.
"I broke up with Bella. I heard what she said to you. I saw what she did to you. I was coming around the corner of the gym when she slammed you into her car and slapped you. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. She was so mad and I was so frightened. The things she said, the things she accused you of. But you never hit her. I think I would have. How did you not hit her?"
I just shook my head. I could barely stand to look him in his eyes. I knew it was my entire fault somehow, and I had to make amends.
"Eddie, I don't understand what she was saying, but I wasn't trying to break you up. I was trying to stay away from you like you wanted. I didn't mean to break you up!"
"Jay, it wasn't you. I knew she was a vindictive bitch. I thought if I went out with her, I could ignore my feelings for you. She said I was the best looking boy in school and she had to have me. I was her status symbol. But I couldn't fool her. She knew that I didn't like her. Didn't like touching her. I couldn't help it when I cringed every time she touched me. But I tried…I really did. I tried to be like everyone else. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be normal. And then she started to threaten me, when I told her I couldn't do it any more."
"What…?"
"Jay, I've always liked you. I love you. You are my best friend. But…"
Now I was confused. What was he trying to tell me? What did being normal and being best friends have to do with each other? He wasn't making any sense. Why would she threaten him?
"Listen, I don't know what you are trying to say Eddie. Just spit it out. What is going on that you couldn't just come talk to me? I would have listened. I would have tried to help. Why couldn't you just TALK to me?"
Silence filled my room. It rolled into every nook and cranny. We were both holding our breath, not moving. It was oppressive and I felt my chest get heavy. I couldn't take my eyes off him. But he couldn't meet mine. Then he took a big breath.
"Jay, I love you. I am IN love with you. Jasper…please don't hate me. I don't think I could take it if you hate me. Jasper…I…I think I'm gay…"
