A Reminder: this is a work of fiction. I do not own nor profit from Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Nor do I own any of her characters. I wish I owned Jasper, but alas, it was not meant to be!
The title of my story is from the song, "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are" which is performed by and belongs entirely to Meatloaf. Although there may be some similarities to the lyrics, the plot line is strictly my own.
WARNING! This story is rated M for a reason. There will be strong language and adult situations. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! If you are not old enough to understand what the words mean, stop reading NOW. As always, this story is written from Jasper's POV.
Chapter 8 – Sunday Talk
JPOV
Edward was finally released from the hospital on Sunday morning. Mrs. Masen decided to have a "Welcome Back" lunch for him, and invited mom and me over. After the past few days, it was a relief to just sit and enjoy each other's company, just like in the 'old days.' Edward was pretty quiet, but then, so was I. We had decided, in a hurried, whispered conversation before lunch that we would talk after we were excused from the table. So we really didn't want to get into anything during lunch that could potentially blow up in our faces.
The evening before, when both our moms showed up and enveloped us in hugs and tears, was a little bizarre for both Edward and me. He didn't want to tell them about being gay, and I refused to tell them about the bruising on my neck, so all we really said was "sorry" over and over again. When everyone finally quit crying, mom dragged me home, still attempting to get me to talk. I told her I would when I was ready. That I just needed to figure some things out first. Mom didn't like being put off, but she eventually let it slide. The good news is she fed me. God, I was starved! I don't even remember going to bed, but I woke up stiff and sore, and my throat was killing me. I know I must have had nightmares because my bed was a wreck, but thankfully, I didn't remember them. I was both relieved and worried, when we received the call to come over for lunch. I wanted to see Eddie but I just didn't know what was going to be said. Fortunately, everyone ignored the elephants in the room and kept things light and impersonal.
After we were excused from the table, Edward dragged me up to his room, grasping my wrist firmly. I don't think I could have shaken him off if I tried, but I knew we needed to clear the air between us so I went willingly. Once we reached his room and locked his door, we took up places on his bed, our arms resting on our knees, which were drawn up in front of us. We were facing each other, about two feet apart.
It was really uncomfortable, and neither of us wanted to be the first to speak. The silence, as they say, was deafening. Finally, Edward decided to break the ice.
"Um, Jay…I owe you an apology."
"For what?"
"I should never have walked away from you and our friendship like I did. And I definitely shouldn't have puked out all my thoughts without even giving you fair warning. I didn't lie to you, but maybe I shouldn't have told you what I was feeling the way I did."
"Eddie…"
"Let me finish Jay. I have been so ashamed of what I was doing to you, but I wasn't quite sure how to not do it. I mean, I guess I was actually ashamed of how I felt for you and I knew that you would be disgusted with me when you found out. So I tried to hide behind Bella, and…well…that probably wasn't the best idea I ever had. I don't want anyone to know yet. And now it is probably going to blow up in my face when Bella starts spreading rumors at school on Monday."
"Eddie…"
"Jay, I will understand if you never want to see me any more. Not only did I treat you like shit, but then I guess I just expected you to forgive me without any thought as to how I acted these past several months. I shouldn't have brought Bella into it, and I am really sorry I was so weak that I couldn't face you before now. Can you ever forgive me? Can you even look me in the eyes any more? Are you sorry you even met me?"
Edward started to sob quietly, giant tears running silently down his face, and my heart broke for him. I reached out my hand towards him, but let it drop at the last minute. After I get done telling him what I needed to, he probably won't ever want me around again any way.
"Edward, I've been stupid myself. How can I be mad at you for doing the same? Instead of trying to talk to you, I just started punching things again. You know, getting into trouble just cause I could. Father's voice just keeps telling me how worthless I am, so it was easy to believe that you didn't want me around any more. Since you came over the other night, all I have been able to think about is how bad I've treated you over the years. I've taken out all my anger at Father on you. You should never have let me get away with the stuff I did. You should never have covered up for me. I'm not worth it."
"Jasper, how can you say that? Of course you are worth it!"
"No Edward, I'm not. I have this monster, this beast inside me, and I will always hurt the people I care about. I'm the reason Father hurt mom, and I'm the reason he left."
Edward's sobs had stopped. It was so quiet in the room that we could almost hear each other's hearts beat. I guess Edward agreed with me, because he never said a word back.
"Look Eddie, I better just go. I'm so sorry I hurt you all the time. I'm just so sorry!"
Now my sobs not so quietly broke the silence. I couldn't seem to move, so I just sat there with my eyes closed, my head on my knees. I wanted to move, but I didn't seem to have any control over my muscles.
Suddenly Edward lunged at me, knocked me off balance and wrapped me tightly in his arms.
"NO! You are so wrong Jasper! No, no, no, no, no! You are not to blame for what that bastard did to you and your mom. No one should ever hit their kid, and no one should ever hit women either! You're lucky he's gone. I know he's your dad, but you are lucky he didn't hurt you worse, or even kill you. NO! I won't let you take the blame any longer!"
I was stunned. I didn't know what to say to him. I never knew he felt that way. He never told me how much he hated Father. Maybe we both had stuff we'd been hiding from each other. Maybe it was time to clear the air between us. I pulled out of his arms and sat back up.
"Eddie, maybe I should tell you some things. Maybe it's stuff you need to know, before you decide whether you want to see me any more or not."
"What do you mean, Jay? What kinda things haven't you told me?"
"Edward, I hear Father's voice. It is as clear as if he was standin' right in front of me. Sometimes he yells so loud I can't even think. I just do what he says, and then he is quiet for a while. I don't mean to be makin' excuses, but sometimes…"
Again there was silence, but not for long. Edward was so quiet, almost introspective, as he asked, "Jasper, how often does this happen?"
I hung my head in shame and answered, "When I get mad it happens a lot. Sometimes I don't hear him for months, but sometimes it is pretty constant."
"Does your mom know?"
"Eddie, how can I tell her somethin' like that? Huh? How can I tell her that her only son is bat-shit crazy?"
"I don't think you're crazy Jay. I just think that it might be hard for you to forget all the bad things he did to you. I just think you need to talk to someone to figure out how to get rid of him. I don't believe you are crazy at all."
"You…you…don't?"
"Naw. I just think he fucked you up so bad that you just think you hear him. It's just like when we were kids and you would hit me sometimes. It really wasn't you doin' it. I knew it was really him. That's why I never told anyone. I didn't want you to get punished for what he was doing."
"Eddie, that just doesn't make sense. Of course it was me hittin' you. There wasn't anyone else around."
"Yeah there was Jay. You just couldn't see him, but he was there. He was makin' you do that shit. He was forcin' your hand."
I started to laugh, but it wasn't a happy laugh at all. And I couldn't seem to quit once I started. Hysterical. Yep. Who knew Eddie was just as bat-shit crazy as me! I don't even know where he gets that shit. Jesus, I guess I fucked him up even worse then I originally thought. Now what do I do?
"Jay…Jay! Shut the fuck up. What is wrong with you?"
I couldn't quit laughing. In fact, I was starting to choke on it.
Eddie was shaking me and yelling at me to stop. But it was the slap across my cheek that finally forced me to calm down. That is the first time Eddie ever raised a hand to me, and it shocked me out of my panic.
"I can't believe you just hit me!"
"Well, what did you expect? You were out of control and I didn't know how else to get your attention!"
"Yeah, well you're just lucky I didn't hit you back!"
"So go ahead and try, if you have the balls to."
We looked at each other, and burst out laughing. This time it was because we both thought the situation had gotten too ridiculous for words.
"Damn, I didn't know you could hit that hard!"
Yeah, well, I learned from the best!"
And just like that, we were back to being Eddie and Jay. No more hysteria, no more conflict, no more blaming. Maybe now we could begin to move forward.
"Jay, does it bother you that I'm gay?"
"Naw, you're still you, just fruitier."
"Oh, now you've done it!"
Edward pounced on me and wrestled us right off the bed! We only stopped because his mom started knocking on the door, demanding to know what was going on. Edward got off the floor, gave me an "if looks could kill" look, then grinned and opened the door to assure her that we weren't hurtin' each other. "
Just goofin' around, mom."
"Alright boys. Just try not to break anything, okay?"
We both answered "Okay" at the same time, and broke down in giggles. It took us several minutes to get ourselves back under control. Every time we looked at each other, we would start giggling again.
Finally, we calmed down sufficiently to actually talk to each other.
"So…fruitier huh?"
"Yep."
"So Jay, if you don't care that I'm gay, does it bother you that I...I…love…you?"
I had to think for a moment, so I held up my index finger to let Eddie know that I wasn't just blowin' him off.
"I don't think "bother" is the right word Eddie. I…um…I can't tell you the same thing is all. I don't know what I feel right now. Ya know? I mean, I don't know if I am even…um…well… but you will be the first to know when I figure it out. Okay?"
"That's all I can ask. So this isn't going to be weird between us, is it?"
"Naw…just don't go kissin' me or anything…"
"Yeah, you wish Jay. I'm a great kisser."
"Who says? Bella? Can you really believe anything that skank says?"
"Ouch…Okay, so maybe I'm not as great as I think. Wanna try me…?"
"Eww, I think we need to talk about somethin' else now!"
Laughing, Edward replied, "I was just jokin' with ya!" He hesitated for a bit, as though something was on his mind. Then he got really serious and asked, "What happened to your neck Jay?"
Now it was my turn to pause. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to think less of me because some perv touched me. I mean, does that mean I'm damaged goods now? I just didn't know how to respond.
"Jay, if you don't want to tell me…it's okay. But you know you can tell me anything, Right?"
"Yeah, Eddie. I…I…just don't want you to think I asked for it somehow. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm dirty or anything."
"Jasper…just spill it. Quit procrastinating and just tell me all ready!"
"Um, Eddie. This guy, you know…when I took off yesterday…this guy…kindatouchedme."
"What? I didn't catch that."
"Eddie, this guy at the park threw me down on the ground and he…he…licked my face and stuck his tongue in my mouth…and then he touched me…in my pants."
I hung my head in shame, as Edward gasped next to me.
"What are you sayin' Jay? Did he molest you? Did he ra…um…did he do anything else to you?"
"No! God, no! He didn't rape me! I thought he was going to, but he just grabbed my junk and played with it for a minute. He was choking me and was sitting on my legs and I couldn't get free from him! Oh…God…ohGodohGodohGod, Eddie…he almost raped me!"
The realization hit, and I fell apart. Eddie held me as I sobbed, running his fingers through my hair and shushing me the whole time. I don't know how long it took, but I know I was exhausted. Finally, he got me calmed again.
"Jay…I think you need to tell your mom."
"I can't Eddie. It'll hurt her. I can't do that to her."
"Well…then maybe you need to talk to this doctor who saw me yesterday. Dr. Carlisle. He was really nice, and really cute too…Oh God…I didn't mean it like that…I mean…I think he can help. Maybe you should ask your mom if you can see him?"
I dunno Eddie. Won't she want to know why?"
"Maybe…just tell her you need to talk to a man. Tell her…I dunno…just suggest it and see what she says."
"Maybe…"
There was a long pause, and then Eddie groaned.
"What?"
"What am I going to do if Bella opens her mouth tomorrow at school?"
"What could she say?"
"Well…she knows I broke up with her cause I'm gay. I didn't actually tell her, but I don't think it was too hard for her to figure out. What if she outs me and no one likes me any more? What if I get kicked off the swim team…or beaten up?"
"I'll protect you Eddie. Just say the word. You know I've got your back."
"Yeah, but what if…"
"Eddie, we are just gunna have to wait and see. Okay? Don't ask for trouble that isn't here yet."
I paused, and then continued, "By the way, Eddie. Does this mean you might be talkin' to me at school again?"
"Oh God Jay…I'll apologize for the rest of my life if it helps. Of course we are talkin' again. You are my best friend, and I should never have let myself forget that."
