It seems necessary to explore some of Edward's problems more completely. You will see why Jasper was instinctively upset with Edward's interaction with Bella, even though he had no practical reason. He was probably picking up on Edward's own guilt!

As usual, I own nothing but my imagination. Want Jasper though, really bad!

Chapter 10 – Therapy Wednesday

EPOV

Things have not been the same between Jasper and me since I torched Bella in front of everyone in the cafeteria on Monday. I realized, after we had some heated words on the way home that afternoon, that I deserved everything he said. I spent almost six months with Bella, but didn't even give her the courtesy of speaking in private. I knew she had problems when we were together; she was actually really down on herself all the time, while still trying to act like she was in control. Jasper was right…we probably could have avoided all that ugliness if I would have just talked to her sooner.

What Jasper doesn't know is that she tried to talk to me between our first and second classes, but I blew her off. Sure, Mike was standing there and I didn't want him to look at me like I was some kind of pussy or something by crawling back to her, but mostly I ignored her because I was afraid. We were so angry with each other on Friday, after her altercation with Jasper, that I didn't want to give her the chance to explain or apologize. I was afraid I might cave into her wishes again if I let her talk to me. I pushed her away, even quietly taunted her when Mike turned away for a minute. I told her she was a skank and I never wanted to touch her again. I saw the devastation on her face then, but I was too arrogant and too scared to care. Then Mike turned back around to me and we took off for our next class, leaving her standing by herself in the hall. She tried once more right before lunch, but I physically pushed her out of my way and into Lauren, who was standing next to her, like she was dirt. They both hit the floor, but I just kept walking. I knew she was feeling desperate, but I let the tension build anyway. Yep, lunch was all on me.

Now she has disappeared. She hasn't been back to school, and she never picked up her phone Monday when I tried to call her. I did leave her a message to call me, but I never heard from her. By Tuesday, her cell was disconnected. I've discretely asked around, but no one has seen her anywhere. I thought about going over to her house, but I just can't bring myself to face her in person. God, I think I may have really fucked her up.

So here I sit, waiting for Dr. Carlisle to call me into his office. I have so much to fix, with Jasper, with my folks, even with Bella. But mostly, I have to figure out how I am going to get my head around to being me. I am so embarrassed that I told Jasper I loved him. Maybe that is part of why I have been holding back from him now. I'm glad he doesn't hate me for being gay. I guess that is almost the least of my problems right now.

I still haven't been able to get my head around why I actually tried to kill myself. I don't think that was really my intention…I just kinda got carried away with it. There is a good reason that my folks don't keep much liquor in the house. I know that I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism, on both my mom and my dad's sides of the family. They have spoken with me on several occasions about drinking, and I have always acquiesced to their warnings. At parties with my friends I am always the designated driver because I refuse to even have one beer. I wish…

"Hi Edward, come on in!"

Oh boy…here we go. "Hi Dr. Carlisle. Nice to see you again."

"So Edward, what would you like to start with today?"

"Umm…I…I don't really know."

"Well, when I spoke with your mother, she suggested that some of your difficulties may have started when you and your friend, Jasper is it, stopped seeing so much of each other. I told her that friends grow apart, but she didn't think that that was what was going on. Is there something in that, do you think?"

"Umm…maybe…"

Dr. Carlisle just sat there looking at me for what felt like hours, but I am sure it was only a few minutes. I realized I was fidgeting in my chair and picking at my nails. Nervous much? Finally I just couldn't stand the suspense any longer, and I broke first.

"Umm…Jasper and I kinda made up…well, anyway, we were kinda okay on Sunday."

"Did something happen after that for you to no longer be 'kinda okay'?"

"We…ummm…we had a sorta fight on Monday."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Doc, I…I don't think I can yet. Can we maybe talk about something else?"

"Edward, I am here for you. We can talk about anything you wish."

"Well then…something Jasper said on Sunday kinda has me upset."

"Go on…"

"Well, you see, when we were kids, Jasper's dad used to hit him all the time. And then sometimes Jasper would kinda like, hit me. I told him it was his dad's fault, not his…but he just didn't believe me. I never told anyone when it happened because I didn't want him to get into trouble. Hell, his dad might of killed him or somethin'. He was pretty crazy with Jasper and his mom, if you know what I mean…"

"And what has you upset about this now?"

"When we were talkin' about it on Sunday, Jasper got really hysterical and I had a hard time gettin' him to come back…It was like he didn't hear me or somethin'."

"Why do you think he got hysterical, Edward?"

"Well, that's kinda what I want to talk about. Why didn't he believe what I said about it being his dad and not him?"

"Edward, are you sure that it was only his dad?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you dismissing Jasper's part in all this?"

"Is that what I'm doing? Cause it just feels to me like he shouldn't be beating himself up over it. His dad treated him really bad, so how could I get mad at him? He got kinda upset that I never told anyone what was happening. Isn't that what being friends is all about?"

"What do you think?"

"Well…I think that I was protecting him."

"At your own expense, Edward?"

"Umm…maybe. I mean, I got over it, so what's the big deal?"

"Edward, do you think it was all right to allow someone to beat you up?"

I didn't know what to say to that. I guess what the Doc was saying made sense. But that would mean that Jasper did something wrong by hitting me. No one seems to get that it was his dad's fault…Man, I am really confused.

"Edward?..."

"So what you are saying is, maybe I should have done something about it when it was happening?"

"What do you think?"

"Well…he hurt me a lot…but I know he didn't mean too." Oh my God…I think I just realized where the Doc is going with this!

"Umm…Doc? If I had said something to my mom or dad, maybe someone could have helped Jasper, huh?"

"Perhaps. But the question is…Edward, did you somehow feel you deserved to get hit?"

"Well…Jasper was getting hit all the time…and we always did everything together…I guess somehow I thought I could take some of the pain on me and it would help him cope better. Now I'm saying it, it does sound kinda stupid."

"No Edward…not stupid…but perhaps you did have trouble seeing past the smaller incidences to be able to concentrate on the big picture back then. You were a kid, and you couldn't be expected to fix your friend. Don't beat yourself up over being loyal to Jasper. I have the feeling that you have been holding on to this for quite a while now."

"I didn't deserve it, did I?"

"No one deserves to be hit, Edward."

"What can I do to help him?"

"Perhaps you need to help yourself first. Were you angry with him when he hit you?"

"Well…yeah…I guess I was. I just kept telling myself he didn't mean it…but sometimes I'd get so mad at him. I mean…why couldn't he just stop? But then I'd see the bruises and cuts and stuff that his dad gave him, and I'd feel bad for being mad."

"Are you still angry with him?"

"Sometimes."

"How do you handle that?"

"I just…I just do what I always do. I tell myself it isn't really him."

"Where does your anger go, Edward?"

I couldn't answer him. I knew where it went. I kept it inside until it made me feel like I had no control of my life any more.

"What are you thinking about, Edward?"

"I take it out on myself."

"And…" the Doc prompted me.

"And, I let it all build up, on top of everything else including the way Bella was treating me, and the confusion about who I really am…and Friday night I got drunk and cut my wrists, trying to get the pain to go away…"

I started sobbing and everything came clear for me. I was right…I wasn't trying to kill myself…just let the pain out. Doc came over and put his arm around my shoulders, setting a box of kleenix on the table in front of me.

"Edward…do you think you might hurt yourself again?"

"No…no Doc…I don't think I could do that to my mom ever again. And…and I don't want to do it to myself either. Can you help me so I don't?"

"That is why we are here today, Edward. I am going to give you a phone number that you can use any time of the day or night. I want you to call me if you ever get to hurting that bad again, okay? I mean it Edward…I am here for you anytime you need me. Can you call me if you feel that bad again?"

"Yeah…yeah I can. I promise I will call before I do anything that stupid again. Thanks Doc. I…I really appreciate you helping me, you know."

"Any time Edward…any time."

Dr. Carlisle stood and put his hand on my shoulder (I didn't notice how cold his hand was until just now. Humph…I don't think it is that cold in here. Oh well…) and gave it a little squeeze. I knew our time was up, but I had to tell him…

"Doc. I gotta say, I think I am looking forward to seeing you next week. I didn't think this was going to be anything much…but I guess I have revised my opinion today."

"Well, thank you Edward…I think that may have been a compliment!"

A/N Next up, Jasper's revelations about his own problems. Then the story will move through a few years a bit faster. Please let me know what you think.