KAIBA: I've got a bone to pick with you, T!
Shadi stills dances, doing the 'spank it' move, made famous by Foxxy in Goldmember. Kaiba simply stares.
T: Really? What?
KAIBA: Why aren't I in this fic?
SHADI: *still dancing * Do you really want to be in this fic, Kaiba? Stuck in that house with very strange people. It gets crazier still. I'd prefer it here, even though the disclaimers suck.
T: Yes. *Tents fingers evilly * don't do that!
SHADI: * belly dancing * Do what? This?
T: It's distracting. *Mesmerized* doesn't that hurt?
Minutes pass. Kaiba tapping his foot impatiently, Shadi Belly dancing and T watching.
KAIBA: Hello!
T: Huh? What! Hello.
KAIBA: Even so, I resent the fact you didn't put me in here.
SHADI: Well, then, you can do the disclaimer.
KAIBA: Oh, no! *Points * you just don't want to do it yourself! I can sue you for not putting me in here! I can crush you with the entire weight of the Kaiba Corporation!
Huge fat guys in business suits jump out of Kaiba's briefcase.
T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Ha! See! You don't even want to do the disclaimer, you don't have the commitment!
FAT GUY ONE: *reading papers * She's right. It's in the contract.
FAT GUY TWO: There's nothing we can do, sir. But the fan girls will still love you, though.
KAIBA: Excellent.
T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Elementary, my dear Watson!
WATSON: * eating a doughnut * what?
KAIBA: Where'd you get that? How'd you get here?
WATSON: Dingy. *Points* Windowsill. *Points *
OLD CRONE: *waving a rolling pin * YAAARGH! OH HO HO! HIIII!
T: * belly dancing with Shadi * If you want the disclaimer, do it now!
KAIBA: T doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, South Park or LOTR, and defiantly not Martha Stewart. It's okay boys; you don't have to crush them. *Fat guys retreat into briefcase *
OLD CRONE: * leaps in motor boat brandishing pin * Give me back that crawler you… you… Rowing fat man!
WATSON: *rowing madly into the sunset*
Chapter Eleven
IN WHICH MARTHA STEWART RAISES SOME HELL
Once again, the house was a mess and tension was high. Yami Bakura and Cartmen had become friends, to the surprise of many. This was not a good thing, as they spent their days bugging the others.
Jabba was staying in the cellar, and rarely emerged, which was fine, because Gollum was afeared of him (and anything else with the same jelly-like structure) and would run screaming until he would pass out from lack of air.
At the moment, things were far from orderly. Gandalf was lying in his rocking chair, still smoking in his sleep. Yoda was having a conversation with Elrond, and Han with Chewie. Cartmen was eating and swearing at the same time at the rest of the houseshare, who were watching something on discovery. Yami was fiddling with the switches in the cellar, trying to shut the hot water off on Yami Yugi, who was in the shower. But a girlish scream told them that Jabba had found him first.
The doorbell rang, unexpectedly. Gandalf, just waking up, screamed "Balrog!" and cowered in fear behind the couch, to Cartmen's amusement. Tea wandered over to the door, opening it. A blond woman with a very strange smile, who was holding a plate of some unidentified food, greeted her.
"Hello." "Hello! I'm Martha Stewart! I heard you would all be staying here awhile. I'm the Phantom's neighbour. Cute little thing, he is, and that's a good thing! Can I come in?" Tea, not bothering to ask her why she was three weeks late to welcome them, smiled warmly and invited her in.
Martha Stewart introduced herself to everyone, and noticing the condition of the house, proclaimed.
" All things neat and tidy! This house could use a spring cleaning, and that's a good thing!" She said, smiling, bending down to pick something up.
"Oh, we couldn't ask you to-" Leia began, but she was cut off. The houseshare gazed in astonishment at the blond tornado shot around the room, leaving a trail of cleanliness behind. It zipped up the stairs and back down again, the entire thing lasting nine seconds.
"What the fuck?" Cartmen cried, and for once the others had to agree.
Yami Bakura emerged from the kitchen, munching on one of the strange cookies brought by Martha. "Divine!" He said, popping another into his mouth.
He grotesque smile grew broader. " Thank you! And that's a good thing!" "What are they?" Yami asked, nibbling on a third, pulling about ten more out of his pockets.
"Nine alarm chilli snaps." "Nine...Alarm?" Yugi asked worriedly, as he had just bitten into his second, given to him by Yami. "Yes. My own recipie. Nine alarm because I put in nine times the chilli powder recommended in the initial recipe. And that's a good thing."
Sweat dripped from Yami's brow, and Yugi's face grew red. Yami cursed loudly in Egyptian, putting his hand over his mouth, from which everyone had expected to see flames shooting. Yugi whimpered, and bolted up from his seat on the couch. Both dashed madly to the kitchen, leaving the others to stare. "Oh dear, I hope that wasn't too spicy! And that's a good thing!"
Elrond's grip on the chair arms tightened, and an angry expression crossed his face before he managed to calm himself. She was obviously getting on his nerves, the others could tell.
Yami Yugi poured shampoo into his palm and scrubbed his scalp. He had been waiting a long time to shower, but hadn't, due to Legolas' long and frequent showers, and Yami was up to his old tricks again. He wondered why the temperature had changed earlier, and what was that mad running downstairs?
He heard the door creak, and peeked around the edge of the curtain. The door was open slightly, but not enough so that he worried. He resumed washing his hair, but once again the door creaked, and a scuffling noise was heard.
He looked around, scowling. Defiantly Yami. He checked to see that his clothes were still there, and they were. That was his usual joke, stealing someone's clothes when they were in the shower, and making sure there were no towels either.
He rinsed, and although the water was in his eyes, he could just barely see the silhouette of a person through the curtain...
Yami yelled, and wrapped the curtain around him, staring at the strange woman standing in the middle of the bathroom. She grinned, and Yami's face turned red, both from embarrassment and anger at the woman for being there.
Yami cleared his throat. "The bathroom's in use right now, but if you could wait miss-" "Martha. Martha Stewart. And that's a good thing!" She said, gazing at him with a strange air.
"-Martha. If you could step out, I'll be out in a minute." " I need to step out?" She said, winking.
" So I can get out of..." He trailed off as she took a step closer. " No no... Continue your shower. I like to watch, and that's good thing."
Han peeked around the doorframe. "Yami, it's customary to turn off the shower if you're done- what the hell?" He cried, staring at Martha and then at Yami. "Help!" Yami hissed through his fake smile.
Han, still bewildered, directed Martha out of the bathroom, closing the door behind them.
"I'm telling you, she's not average!" Leia hissed to Tea, as both girls sat in the kitchen, drinking tea. Yami Bakura and Yugi were still there, downing glasses of water as fast as someone could say 'millennium'.
"Oh, come on. She's just.. Eccentric." Leia stared blankly at her. "The woman made cookies with nine times the normal amount of chilli! She snuck up on Yami in the shower! And that's a good thing? No, It's not!"
"Yami! You're good with knots?" Gandalf said in a haggard manner, and as he stepped into the kitchen. The girls gasped. "What happened?" Tea asked, staring in horror at his hair, which was sticking out in all directions, curled, braided and an all around mess.
"Martha gave me a new do. How about it, Yami?" "Busy." Yami managed to articulate, gasping for air and drinking another glass of water.
"She's got to go!" Leia told Tea. "But I'd feel bad about it. She seems to be enjoying it here."
"I'll hold the glass for you." Gandalf sighed, and Yami nodded.
"At our expense!" A yelp was heard form Gandalf.
"Leia, come on. She's only been here an hour. Let her stay a while longer." "Watch it!" "And how long do you intend to put up with her?" "Hold still!" "At least another hour?" "YAAARGH!" "Alright. But if she does anything else, it's your fault." "Oh, come now." "Pull my beard why don't you!" Tea smiled, but it faded when Gandalf cursed loudly.
"Could you be more gentle?" "They're in tight! Do you want help or not?" Leia sighed. "It's going to be a long hour."
In another part of the house, Elrond wasn't having very much luck either. He couldn't find the book he was reading, and it was at a good part too!
"What are you looking for?" "My book. It was right here." "Oh, I'm sorry! I put it away. And that's a good thing." Elrond could contain his anger no longer.
"Look, I don't mind you moving things about, but please! Stop saying that!"
"Saying what? And that's a good thing!" Elrond growled.
"There! You said it again!" "No, I didn't! And that's a good thing!" Elrond roared and pulled at his hair.
"And that's a good thing! Please stop saying 'and that's a good thing!'"
"You have a real problem with anger. You know what helps me when I'm feeling annoyed? A nice cup of Jasmine tea. And that's a good thing!" Elrond gave an exasperated sigh, and turned to leave. "Never mind... just.. Never mind.."
"No, wait! The tea! And that's a good thing."
"Stop it! Stop it!" He cried, picking up his pace. "Wait!" She cried, following him. Elrond cursed to himself and ran, Martha at his heels.
Yami Yugi sat outside. Hopefully she wouldn't find him there. He stretched out on the lawn, listening to the birds, and the veritable commotion coming from inside.
Gandalf was yelling and screaming, in some kind of pain, he guessed. The water hadn't stopped running, and the sounds of a chase were present. He could hear Elrond's curses in his strange tongue, but what happened next surprised him.
He pulled the pie tin from his face, just as another came crashing down on him. He wiped the blueberry filling from his eyes. Elrond, who had just jumped out of the window, landed beside him with a thump.
"What is going on?" Yami roared. "I can't take it anymore!" Elrond cried, pulling his hair. "The way she speaks and acts! Just now she was chasing me around the house with tea and pie!" He became aware of the lump of desert on Yami head and gasped. "I'm so sorry! I should have stopped running. Maybe then she wouldn't have thrown them..." "They came from the second floor?" Yami asked in a cadaverous manner. "Yes. But what became of the tea?"
Cold milk drenched Yami. "There's the cream." Elrond stated, coughing as white powder covered him like snow."and the sugar." Hot liquid doused Yami. " The tea." he said weakly, as the pot bounced off his head.
A soft ringing noise was heard, and Martha walked into the kitchen, cell phone in hand.
"Really? No! Okay." She sighed. Obviously the news wasn't good. " Alright. Chow, and that's a good thing."
"What's going on?" Tea asked, turning around. "Apparently the painters have decided to do their work today, and that's a good thing, but I haven't got a place to stay."
Leia read Tea's mind. "No!" she mouthed, frantically waving her arms. Ignoring Leia, Tea continued.
"You could spend the night with us." Her eyes brightened. "Really? Thanks! And that's a good thing!"
Leia spat her tea halfway across the room, as Martha danced out of the kitchen.
"What... Did...You... do?" She said, pronouncing each word separately, teeth clenched.
Tea smiled quietly to herself. How bad could it be? Martha'd only be with them for another fifteen hours, about.
"Yami! Open the door!" Yami Bakura cried, frantically pounding on the door. " Be out in ten minutes!"
"That's what he said last time!" Yugi whimpered, dancing around in a little circle.
The pair had been drinking water all day to try to douse their flaming taste buds, and now they seriously had to-
"C'mon! I need to take a leak!" "I said, I'll be out in a minute!" Yami replied in a frustrated tone. "I'm tired of this." Yami said coldly, and produced a lock pick from his jeans pocket.
He proceeded to open the lock, opening the door inch by inch, until it was wide enough to go through.
"Go!" he hissed to Yugi, shoving him in. "But-" "look, the water's running, he'll never know! Just don't flush."
Yugi opened his mouth to protest once more, but a glare form Yami told him he shouldn't.
Gandalf hummed to himself as he opened the cupboard under the sink. He was going to make soup!
He reached in for a pot, and was handed one. "Thanks." He said, closing the door and placing it on the stove. He paused, looking down at the cupboard, a confused expression on his face.
"Elrond?" He said, very amused, staring at the elf that was crouched in the tiny space, an idiotic grin on his face.
"What-" "Ssh! I'm hiding from that evil woman!" he hissed.
"Gandalf?" Gandalf slammed the door shut, and stood in front of it.
"Hello Martha." He said cheerfully. "Here, since I'm going to be staying, the least I could do is make dinner. And that's a good thing."
A low, angry moan was heard from inside the cupboard. Gandalf kicked it, smiling. " That's very kind of you."
"Don't mention it. Where do you keep the pots and pans? Can't cook without those! And that's a good thing!"
"Here, let me get them for you." Gandalf said, trying to make sure his friend wasn't found.
"Oh, no, don't trouble yourself." She said with a laugh, reaching down to the cupboard. It flew open, and she drew her hand back just in time as a blur of orange velvet shot past, leaving a pot spinning in circles on the floor.
" The tea!" she called after it, sighing to herself.
Yugi stepped out of the bathroom. "Your turn." he whispered to Yami Bakura, who stepped in.
Smiling at his cleverness, he did his thing, and zipped up. The zipper was louder then he had expected, and Yami looked around the shower curtain.
"YAMI!" He bellowed, at the tomb robber who stood with his back to him. Yami turned around.
"If you must know, I've been drinking water all day to wash away the spiciness of Martha's horrible cookies!" He snapped.
" Oh. I'm sorry Yami. I thought you were-" "Playing a trick? Not his time." " I apologize. I won't look. Do whatever you have to and get out. Just don't turn the water on."
Yami pulled the curtain shut. Yami Bakura waited a few minutes. "Don't turn the water on..." He repeated with an air of malfeasance. "He didn't say anything about flushing."Yami, grinning evilly, carefully pushed the handle down, dashing madly out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
"YAMMMMMIIIII!"
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SHADI: *still dancing * Martha Stewart's weird.
T: * belly dancing with Shadi * She's three bearded ladies short of a freak show.
KAIBA: Said the pair who has been belling dancing for a half hour.
T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.
KAIBA: o. O;
SHADI: ~.^
T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Dudes, it was a joke.
KAIBA: *smirk * I think Shadi's disappointed.
T: O.O
SHADI: Kaiba!
T:….
SHADI: Not true!
KAIBA: Don't deny it.
T: *To Shadi* I'm starting to worry about you.. First the Blackjack thing… *shrugs * But what're ya gonna do? * Belly dancing with Shadi *
SHADI: *Belly dancing * Get on with it, Perv Boy!
KAIBA: Oh, isn't that rich!
T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Yes you are.
KAIBA: Next up, The Council Of Elrond, and don't forget to read and review… Who wants these freaks to stop this…excellent array of intelligence? Not me. That's why you should read and review! Keep it going!
T: * belly dancing with Shadi * Nice comeback.
