Back Together Again


I must have been walking for over an hour. The snow falls heavier as I walk further inland toward something that feels familiar and I wonder whether I should be thankful of the fact that I can't feel the cold while I reload my gun and my snow-covered hair falls forward. Genesis was right about my need for it.

He was right about many things, and I wish…

I realize I've never wished before, not since the sunnier days before Nibelheim, before…

But he's right. Genesis was too uncanny when he picked me to pieces and I grit my teeth and fire at another obstacle in my way. There's always another obstacle. One after another and I do as Genesis said I do. I shoot it. I shoot it because I'm designed to do it.

Down it goes, another ice golem, a frozen piece of stone that has no soul, and I think… I think about how right Genesis is, how right Tseng is, and how wrong everything in my life is. I wonder why I'm not like my obstacles, mindless and soulless beings that don't feel, and I enviously wonder if they're feeling emotions while I keep my gun aimed at the motionless creature, walk forward, fire again for good measure and mutter, "Ensuna," to activate the Heal Materia in the barrel of my gun.

It's a tingling sensation that crawls up my arms, my spine, and from within towards the surface, and I collect a Restore materia from its fallen form.

Then I snort at the irony as I place it in my gauntlet. I snort at the fact that I would attempt to cure the confusion spell the golem cast on me, and I snort at the fact that there is nothing in existence that can cure my confusion. There's nothing that can cure what I feel, and soon, it will all be taken away again and I fall to my knees with my hands clasped to the sides of my head and scream out my frustration.

"AAAGGGHHH!"


I have no idea how long I've been sitting here. There is no sense of time here. Nights are longer than the days and everything looks the same. There's only a metre of visibility in every direction and then everything is nothing but snow, falling snow. But my fingers are starting to ache and I guess it's been 15, maybe 20 minutes… maybe more… and more than two centimetres of snow has fallen on my shoulders to add to the weight.

I could just stay here, I think, like the golem I've collapsed beside. Soon I'll be buried and there'd be no need for a coffin. Never to be found, and my fingers dig deeper into my hair, my head, and they hurt even more.

I tell myself he could be lying… Genesis could be lying…

What he told me was too bizarre and I get back up, check the barrel of my gun, and I start walking again. I think that Tseng may lie, but at least his lies don't hurt.

"You have nothing to gain over the matter, and so much to lose…"


Another mile, maybe two, and a trail of trickplays and jumpings in my wake to show where I've been. They're small squirrel and rabbit-like creatures that never stood a chance. This territory makes them hostile. But at least they're real, unlike the golems and unlike the Snow Witches that stay within the Great Glacier even though I've seen a few of them since I've been here. They've been watching with their frozen eyes from a distance and I wonder if they're not attacking only because they don't consider this their territory.

But then again, that question makes me wonder why they're out here to begin with, watching, following, and silent.

Cid guessed they were clones of some sort, some project that went wrong.

"Think about it…" he said. "They all look alike… That doesn't spell fuckin clone to you?"

At the time I didn't care. All I wanted was to put a stop to Sephiroth and then go back to sleep. Everything that stood in my way was nothing other than an obstacle between me and him. But now…

It's changed. It's not as black and white any more, and Genesis was right about me not wanting to be alone. Tseng's presence has changed me and I can't help but feel like I've changed him in some ways too.

I keep trying to tell myself that it was him, he enchanted me somehow, and I blamed him. But every time I think back, I can't help but recall the way he tried to get away from me when I raised the bar. He was afraid of letting himself get close to me and he was afraid me getting close to him, and I wonder if Genesis is part of the reason.

"Then he discarded me… the moment Sephiroth said that he wanted him back…"

I always assumed it was Sephiroth that was the problem and I may have come by that blame naturally. But I can't help but assume that I've put myself in the middle of something beyond what I ever could have guessed on my own, and I'm not so sure about anything either of them is telling me.

Genesis plays games—I have no doubt about that. But Tseng… I would never guess him to be the type to play games. I only expected lies, and I'm beginning to doubt my own doubt.

Then I stop at the foot of yet another cave. I listen. I wait, and I look up to see another witch. She's watching me and I mind my gun while noting that her hair is like ice and so frozen that it doesn't move. Her skin is so pale and almost as blue as the glaciers. She must have been human at one time—the prototype. She must have been warm. But she is frozen to the core now, inside and out, and a duplicate among duplicates of the subject she once used to be.

She doesn't move. She only watches, and I wonder if she's thinking the same things I'm thinking about her. I wonder if she recognizes that something isn't right about me. Then I wonder if she's even capable of thinking.

Maybe she's the lucky one.


"Vincent Valentine is 'dead.' Hahaha."

"Hojo!"

"Silence! Lucrecia… You know what you've created!"


Created…

This was my penance for being naïve and I quickly pull out my gun and cock the safety back when a noise from the cave I'm standing in front of breaks me from my thoughts. It could be a number of things, one of the Christopers—more clones. Or it could be a pollensalta, or more witches from another cloned subject. Or maybe I'll just get lucky and meet my death from a tonberry, a native cave dweller of the Northern Continent with a dulled mind. They're empty inside, seemingly innocent, small and insignificant with eyes that tell of no mind. That is, until they get close enough.

One touch and you're dead.

None of those creatures dwell in this part though. They're farther, past the glaciers and into the depths of the frozen heart of the planet, and I lower my head before I inch into the cave. The witch watches, lowers herself to her knees on the ground so she can see better, and stays where she is.


The deeper I go, the stranger it becomes. The mirror-like surface of ice reflects and refracts like glass, diamonds, crystals…and the air inside grows quiet and still. There's a luminescence and a subtle crackling like fire ahead, and I watch my footing over the slick surface of the ground.

Water ran through here once, smoothing the path out, and maybe other forces of nature as well. Somewhere inside I'm positive that it's him as I inch closer, and I hold my gun near my shoulder, ready for any surprise that may come, be it wanted or unwanted.

And the next corner that I turn, I aim my gun on instinct as another aims at me. Cold eyes, like always, he has…


"Your pet is not a healthy pet…"

"Ah!"


"You're going to help me with something, Valentine…" Hojo said.

"What are you doing?"

"Xvan's son needs my help… Look at him…He looks just like his mother…"

"What?"

Swan?


I had no idea what he was talking about. Hojo kept going on about a swan, but I understand now. I understand why he touched the man the way that he did; the way he stroked his hair. I thought it was odd to show love for a subject that went beyond fascination. I just never bothered to care. He injected me with something and I fell asleep, and I never thought about the dark haired man again. He was dead anyway, and now I suddenly realize who he was.


"Leviathan…" Tseng hisses and lowers his gun before he limps over to me while I crumple to the ground and grab at my head again. "What the hell are you doing here? I nearly shot you."

I suppose I could tell him that some insane lover from his past left me with no choice. But there's an off chance I could be wrong about the 'lover' part. I'd also be lying because the truth is that I wanted to come. I wanted to find him, and like some kind of deranged addict, I snake my hand behind his neck and yank him close the moment he's beside me and smash our mouths together.

Maybe I'm just doing it in hopes that it will help me avoid everything else, and maybe struggling with him helps distract me from the struggle within myself as I smash his wrist into the ground to make him let go of his gun when I push him down while remaining in contact. It doesn't matter if I'm going too far. I'm not even concerned about the consequences as he struggles to breathe and tries to push me off of him after I use my weight to trap him.

He feels alive to me, and I need him to feel alive. I need to feel him move and I need to be convinced that everything Genesis told me was a lie. I'd even settle for Genesis being my own imagination at this point as Tseng's tongue struggles against my own and my mouth muffles the urgent sounds he's trying to make. It's warm and it feels alive. His taste is as I remember it, subtle and sweet from his addiction to sugar, and his attempt to lift me off of him feels human. There's no sign of inhuman strength and I think that maybe I imagined it before.

Maybe I imagined everything.

"KJATA!" I scream, letting go so I can instantly grab at the pain the moment he pulls my gun from my holster and shoots me in the upper leg so that he can get away from me.

"Have you lost your mind?" he hisses once he's at a safe enough distance. It was the perfect opportunity for him to push me off, and he must have grabbed his own gun in my confusion while throwing mine a fair distance from us.

Then he shakes his head like something just hit him and he wipes at his mouth, spits, and suddenly mutters, "Apples… You taste like… apples…" and then he coldly aims his gun at me as if he sees me as a threat and tells me, "I'm about to regret not shooting you when you walked in, aren't I?"

Flat out, he says it, and his eyes grow cold again as he steps back as if I'm the worst enemy he could have come across.

"You were quite the lady's man when you grew up…" he says, and he looks like he's quickly searching his mind for something to say next. "Tell me… What was the name of the first woman you took advantage of?"

"What?" I ask, somewhat grunting at the same time as I hold my hand over the wound and grimace at the pain as it starts to slowly heal on its own. "I never took advantage of anyone."

"Really?" he asks. "That's not how I recall it," and then he smirks at me like he suspects I may be lying a little. "Of course, I'm no woman… Then let me put it this way… What did you tell me about the days when you were handsome and young—about the days when you could have charmed any woman you wanted with that smooth and charismatic air of yours," he demands, and then he releases the safety while I wonder if I'm not the only one that's lost their mind.

"I told you… I was awkward…" I tell him, and he nods like he agrees with what I say and it starts to sink in. He's testing me to see if I'm really me.


"Banora has the best apples in the world… The taste lingers… Try one…" Genesis said.

"I'm not hungry."

"Oh, but you must. Even the smallest pleasures in life are not worth passing by."


"You have no desire to eat…" Tseng says to himself as if he's trying to figure something out, and then he wipes his mouth again and shakes his head in denial. "One more question… What did you tell me when I told you that I loved you?"

"You never told me you loved me," I hesitantly answer.

"Really?" Tseng suspiciously asks, and then he takes a step back and says, "Not even figuratively?"

Figuratively…?

Kjata…


"I simply cannot, for the life of me, Vince, understand how in the hell I've managed to let myself fall in love with someone as messed up as you."


"I… said nothing," I mutter back.

Then I reflect on the fact that he told me he adored me right before things got worse and that it was probably his way of saying it without having to say it and I never said anything back to him either time, and I lower my head to bury my regrets behind my bangs.

"Leviathan…" he mutters, and then he lowers the gun before quickly aiming it at me again the moment I move and warns me to, "Stay where you are," and he hesitates for a moment before adding that, "I can't trust you right now."

I can only guess at what's going through his head and his mistrustful eyes right now, and I watch as his jaw clenches, he shivers, and he limps over to a small fire he must have started so that he can stay warm, and I ask, "Why are you limping?" in hopes of easing the tension between us.

"Koerin and his men are out here," he tells me. "I think they're looking for something."

There's still a slight edge to his voice as he talks, and he kneels down without taking his cautious eyes from me and feels for one of the scattered branches on the ground before tossing it into the fire without looking at it.

"I had a run-in with a few of them and didn't see the windwing coming."

I nod to his response and follow the form of his leg and the torn cloth he has wrapped around it. It's stained with blood and I wonder if he tore it from one of Koerin's men since his clothes appear to be intact except for the tear where his wound is.

"I managed to fight it off," he quietly adds. "Though I have no idea how… Luck, I suppose."

"Luck…" I repeat, and I reflect on everything Genesis told me.

"Mm," he mutters and gives a short nod to confirm it as if he's confirming it to himself. Then he shyly smiles and says, "I lost my gun when it struck me and it took me a while to find it before I no longer had the chance… Then I ran out of Potions," and he motions his free hand to his makeshift dressing.

"Are you all right?"

"I've been worse," he answers, and warns me with a more aggressive aim on his gun when I attempt to move again before he curiously asks me, "How did you find me?"

I didn't want to, I think, and then I return his cautious attention with a slight exposure to the regret in my eyes and regretfully tell him that, "I ran into someone."

"Genesis," he guesses. Then he nods again while muttering, "I suppose that means he's alive."

After that, he wipes at his mouth and licks his lips in distaste as if the flavour of apples gave it away already. But I think, I never took what he offered, and then I inwardly shudder when I think about how he grabbed me in the cavern and sealed his mouth to mine so he could invade my body and I suddenly realize that there was a sweet taste in my mouth that wouldn't go away after that.

I didn't give it much thought until now though, and I start to feel slightly ill over the thought.

"What is he to you?" I finally ask. It had been gnawing away at me since the start and I can't help the slight accusation that carries in my voice.

"An old nemesis," he answers. Then he finally turns his attention away from me as if he's starting to feel a little more comfortable with my presence and he stokes the fire.

"He told me some things."

"Lies, mostly," Tseng tiredly says, and he puts his gun down and pulls out a knife that he holds over the fire to heat it.

"Are they?" I ask, and I painfully get up to come to him when he finally motions me to, and he says, "Yes." Then he points to a spot a fair distance from him on the other side of the fire to suggest that he'd like me to sit there.

"How can you be so certain when I haven't told you what he said?"

"Because I know what Genesis would say," he tells me, and then he sighs, removes the knife from the fire and comes to sit by my side. "This is going to hurt but that bullet needs to come out."

Then he cautiously regards me again, grabs one of the branches from the ground and pushes it into my mouth while telling me to bite down, and he wastes no time at getting the bullet out while I painfully grunt and curse at him through the branch before the fresh wound begins to heal. He couldn't hear what I was saying though, and for the first time that I can recall, he quietly apologizes.

"I never wanted to drag you into this," he says and he keeps his head down like he doesn't want to look at me all the sudden, and he barely mutters that, "I honestly thought… hoped that it was over. But I suppose a part of me always knew."

"Knew what?"

"That he wasn't gone," he tells me, and then he tenses his jaw and lightly runs his cold fingers over the wound on my thigh. "I could never shake the feeling… Like he was close, somehow… I could never stop glancing over my shoulder…"

"That's why you were so heavily armed," I suddenly realize.

I figured it was just the way that he was when I first met him but it never ceased to strike me as odd. And my attention grows more curious as I start to study him in a new light and he subtly nods while keeping his head down as his faint touch starts circling the outside of the wound.

"Is that why you try to shut everyone out?"

"Partly," he quietly admits, and then he shakes his head and pulls his hand away as if he'd suddenly touched something that burned him and he changes the subject with more of a statement instead of a question. "He told you about Hojo, didn't he?"

"He told me some things," I say, and he nods again.

"He tried to tell me that I was infected," he says, and then he shakes his head and frowns. "But he tends to twist the truth, and when he told me some crazy story about Hojo and my mother… Well, I find it a little hard to believe anything he'd say."

Then he lets out a heavy sigh and gets up while motioning to my gauntlet.

"You've got Restore materia. You should probably use it now."

"What about you?" I ask as I watch him limp over to the fire and toss another branch onto it.

"I'm fine," he mutters, and then he shivers and sits opposite to me again and I frown over his stubbornness. "I have an All Materia… I can pair it with—"

"I said I'm fine!" he sharply repeats, and then he angrily pokes at the fire with a charred stick and sighs again while brushing his hair back like he's frustrated over something.

"Okay," I slowly say.

Then I watch him for a moment more and think again about everything Genesis told me, and I think about how Chaos saw Tseng when we were in the cavern. It could have been my imagination—the glow of Jenova. But I'm not so sure who the real liar is anymore. I'm not even sure about what I'm willing to believe anymore before I suddenly realize that I'm starting to believe all of it.

Then I openly conclude that, "You never wanted me to come with you… here… Did you?"

"For Leviathan's sake," he agitatedly mutters, and then he gets up and winces over the pain in his leg as he does it and he storms over to me and tears the Restore materia from my gauntlet before I have a chance to react.

After that, he quickly places it in his own gun and calls out, "Cure," to me and I let out an unexpected growl from the healing effects of my flesh healing too fast to be natural.

"You're right, Vince," he angrily says, and he rips the materia back out of his gun and throws it back at me. "I never wanted you to come. But here you are."

"Here I am," I uneasily say and I set my attention back to his leg and wonder what he's not telling me.

Then he paces and winces as he does so, and I contemplate just using the damn materia on him like he did with me. But something inside of me hesitates.

"But then again, there are a lot of things I never wanted," he says.

"Like what?"

"You," he pointedly states. Then he stops and glares at me like I did something wrong and he adds, "Me…

"But I can't change those things… just as much as you can't."

He starts to pace again and continues to wince while I quietly put the materia back into my gauntlet and let out a habitual sigh. Then he surprises me and says, "I know he sent you."

"Kjata."

"Yes. So tell me…"

With each step and word, he becomes more edgy and accusatory. Then he stops and looks at me with those charcoal eyes that don't seem as hard as they usually do.

Instead, they look more pleading and something inside of me tightens while he continues to stare at me and he thoughtfully strokes his gun with his forefinger of the hand he's holding it with. He hasn't let go of it since he reclaimed it and he carefully places his finger back on the trigger to state that he still doesn't trust me.

What makes it worse though, is the fact that I'm not sure if he can either, and what he says next almost burns.

"Which one of us gets to leave alive?"

"I'm not your enemy," I mutter, and then I add as I get up with a sense of defeat, "Nor am I your executioner."

After that, I resign to whatever it is I'm doing and I walk passed him, stopping beside him long enough to tell him that, "I'll leave that part to you," and I figure it's time to leave the miserable bastard to his own demise and I pick up my gun and put it back in my holster.

But the truth is that I'm more afraid of what I might do to him and the concern over it makes me shake relentlessly inside over the fact that it's starting to feel like it's inevitable even though I have no idea what the real reason is, and he laughs as I head for the way in which I came.

He almost sounds like he's gone mad before he hisses in what sounds like a great deal of pain, drops his gun, and doubles over.

"Kjata," I grumble in a combination of anger, frustration, concern, and maybe even a little bit of fear the moment I turn around and see him grabbing at his leg as if it's the cause of his pain. He's dropped his gun and he's nearly writhing from whatever agony he's feeling, and like the brain-dead pushover that I am, I find myself rushing to him to gather him up while asking him, "What! What's wrong?"

"He was a virgin," he grunts out, and I pull my gauntlet taut with my teeth before shouting out, "Cure!" and he madly laughs out, "I had no idea," before he screams and his fingers tense over the wound on his leg, and the moment I go to inspect it, he violently pushes me away and quickly rolls to his gun and grabs it again so he can aim it at me as if he's serious about him wanting me to leave.

Then he adds with a twisted grin and stares at me in a feral way through loose strands of hair that cover his mad-looking eyes and justifies himself in whatever twisted thoughts are going through his head, "He came onto me

"And I thought…" he starts while he scrunches his shoulders as if he's loosening a knot in his neck. Then he laughs a wicked and mocking laugh like Sephiroth's and adds, "I thought…Why not?"

After that, he licks his lips like an animal.

"I lost, Vince. I lost everything… And then… And then, this little bastard picks a fight with me, and he… He nearly kills me, and then he kisses me… Hehehe… What are the odds of that…? Seriously?"

"Tseng…" I calmly say, and I raise my hands to show I'm no threat as I carefully lift my knee so that I can get up without giving him any reason to pull the trigger, and his eyes quickly dart to the map tied to my belt and his gaze grows as curious as a cat that's caught something in its path.

"Well," he wryly says and sneers as he tilts his head so that more of his hair falls into his eyes that are taking on a strange glint that reminds me of the silvery flashes I saw in his eyes when I first met him.

It happened so often that I stopped noticing it and paid it no mind. I assumed it was nothing more than an impish twinkle.

"It was never anything more to me than a mindless fuck… A little something to take my mind off of how humiliated I felt…"

His words trail off more and he blinks a couple of times while still staring at the map with that strange shine to his eyes as if it's distracting him too much, and he completely coins his behaviour and curiously asks in a disturbingly calm manner, "Where did you get that?"

"It's a map," I dumbly answer while I carefully stand and step back in hopes of not setting off any alarms.

"I know what it is," he says, and then he shakes his head and he lowers his gun. "It's Rufus'… What I want to know is where did you get it?"

Then he stands and brushes his hair back as if the strange behaviour he was just exhibiting never happened, "And maybe, perhaps, why you have it."

"Rufus?" I ask, and then I stupidly look down at it while still keeping my hands raised.

"Yes," he answers and messily holsters his gun into the back of his pants. "Shinra repossessed a base out here and that was the only map that led to it. We destroyed it," he adds, and he limps up to me and yanks it from my belt while muttering, "I gave the orders."

"Are you sure?"

"I sent three bombers over that base and watched the explosions from Gaea's Cliff."

Then he opens it and mutters, "We even sent a hazard crew in to clean up the mess… Of course I'm sure."

"Genesis gave it to me."

"Why?"

"He said I'd need it," I carefully tell him and lower my attention back to his leg and wonder why he's still limping while thinking about what else Genesis said I'd need.

"Need it for what?"

"He didn't say."

"That doesn't make any sense," he mutters, and then he turns his back to me and limps back over to the fire so he can see it in better light while musing that the markings are in Genesis' writing, and that the location of the base is what is clearly marked.

"Why would he want us to go there?"

"I don't know," I say while wondering why it's suddenly 'us' now, when a moment ago he was acting like a possessed maniac that wanted me to get as far away from him as I possibly could, and then I cautiously walk toward him and stand behind him while watching him adjust the map. "Would it be possible for someone to rebuild it?"

"No," he answers, and he moves over when I take the chance to sit beside him. Then he swats my hand away when I take a greater chance to pull the dressing from his leg.

"Don't," he sharply says before he mutters, "there wouldn't be enough time to rebuild it. We destroyed it only a couple of years ago."

"Maybe…" I hesitantly say, and I watch him from the side and note that his analytical gaze appears normal. His eyes are back to the deep brown that they normally are, and I question how much of what just happened was imagined on my part. "Maybe there's something else there."

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

"Well," he says, and then he lets out a shaky sigh and sets his focus on the fire, "I guess there's only one way to find out."


He's like a different person all the sudden, and he decides that the weather won't allow us to travel at night.

"That storm probably won't subside until morning," he says, and then he sighs out that, "We'll just have to go in the morning," and when I ask him if he's sure he wants me to go with him, he leans forward and gazes into the fire while stating that I might as well.

"You're here," he says, and he doubts I'll go away.

I doubt it too.

But at the same time, a part of me was hoping that he'd go a little crazy again, and then maybe he could successfully drive me away for his own good.

He doesn't though, and for the rest of the night, we sit beside each other and we talk. He confirms everything that Genesis said to me, but he also says that Genesis spins truths—much like Tseng, I assume, and I find it difficult to take my mind away from his leg and the fact that Genesis is probably out there. Maybe he's even closer than I'd like to think when I think about the way that Tseng writhed in pain over his leg.

Or maybe it was something else, and the thought of Genesis using his materia on Tseng again causes knots in my gut. The fact that Tseng paled at the mention of it and said he wasn't even sure if it was possible causes even more doubt. Though I'm not sure about which one of them I'm doubting, and I ask him about Genesis using it on him in…

Modeoheim? Was it?

He says that Genesis did something, but he wasn't entirely sure if it was summon materia. He says a lot happened that day and that most of it was a blur. But he confirms the reason he and Genesis became arch nemeses though. He just tells me something different from what I initially thought.

He says it was him. He says that when Genesis showed him the pictures of Sephiroth that he went off the deep end, and since Genesis was offering himself… Well, Tseng says that he took advantage of him. He was unaware that Genesis always liked him up to that point. He says that he just assumed it was only because he was with Sephiroth and that he thought Genesis was being an opportunist. But later, he realized that his assumptions were wrong.

He also tells me that it probably didn't help matters that he and Genesis were together for almost half a year. He just assumed it wasn't serious and that he was too wrapped up in his work and his own problems that he just didn't notice. But when he and Sephiroth got back together, he realized that Genesis was a bigger mistake than he could have imagined.

"He went off the deep end," he tells me, and then he tells me that he never would have expected it. He also tells me that he didn't know that he was Genesis' first until it was too late.

"I should have called it off then," he says—the moment he realized that Genesis had never been with anyone before, neither man nor woman.

"My gut instincts said it was a mistake… But I… Well… We had already started…"

So he finished what he started that night and made what he calls one of the biggest mistakes he thinks he might have ever made. And when I ask him if he was ever concerned about sleeping with him, or even Sephiroth after he realized what their fates were, he admits that the thought crossed his mind. But he also reasons that it's not possible. However, he still wonders and he admits that it was the real reason he never finished what he started with me, or even with Rufus.

He says the thought of the possibility of being infected with Jenova and possibly spreading it eats away at him even though he doubts it.

"I felt like I was losing my mind," he tells me, and then he looks at me and tilts his head. "I wasn't sure if I could cope with any of it."

Then he straightens out his wounded leg and points out while he mutters that he's sure there would have been signs by now if any of it were true or possible. "Don't you think?"

"Mm," I mutter, and I think about how I think I've been seeing some of the signs and stay silent about it. Instead, I only ask, "What would you do if there were signs?"

"I think death would be a better option," he says, and I quietly nod again and stare at his leg again. "But first, I think I'd want to be sure."

"Is that why you came here?" I ask, and I muse over the bread crumbs that are laid out for both of us, and he nods in answer.

"If what Genesis says is true…" he starts, "and Hojo was able to keep me stable, or even if Genesis was doing it… Then wouldn't it be worth my while to seek a better fate?"

I know I would have, and I lower my head before I pull him closer to me so that he can lean into me and I brush his shoulder with my thumb. I don't say what's on my mind though. Instead, I think about my dreams and wonder how many 'possibilities' exist for him, and I wonder if there are any while he closes his eyes as if he's exhausted. Then I look again at his leg and wonder what it is that he's hiding before I wonder about how much of it he's hiding from himself.


When the morning comes, he wakes up and yawns. Then he quizzically looks at the fire and concludes that I didn't sleep before he pushes himself out of my arms to grab some food from his bag.

He's right. There's too much on my mind to allow me to sleep, and a part of me wanted to watch over him for both our sakes. Then, as I watch him open the freeze-dried packets and start eating, I realize that I partially envy his denial. It's almost innocent in its cowardice and I lean forward to wipe a crumb from his chin with a gloved finger before he bats it away and then shyly smiles.

I can only wish to smile at this point, and I find myself staring at him and realizing that he's always had a sheepish way about him when he smiles. He usually curls his finger over his mouth when he laughs. He always appears to repress most of it for fear of giving something away, and when he doesn't cover his mouth, he makes every effort to keep his mouth shut, and I wonder if it's because his teeth are slightly crooked.

I never really thought about it before, but when I think about how insecure he is over his body now that it's been ravished, I begin to wonder exactly how hard it is for him to deal with his own imperfections. Then a part of me regretfully wonders if Sephiroth was attracted to him for the same reasons I think I might be.

His stubborn will is a challenge, despite the conflicts that arise. His temper is dangerous and exciting, as it is equally frustrating, and his courage is a strong mask for his fears. His insults, as humbling as they are, are degrading and condescending. His repressed sexuality is raw and refreshing when he lets it go. And to top it off, he's as insecure as he is confident, and he spends as much time hiding his imperfections as he does grooming himself into an image of perfection.

There's a part of me that breaks a little though, and it's the part of me that knows I never would have noticed these things had I still been human. I never would have given him a second glance. I even regret that I would have chosen to dislike him for no other reason than a deep-seated homophobia—had I known or suspected—and I shamefully look down as he gets up and brushes off his knees with no knowledge of the things I'm thinking of.

Time has changed me though, and it doesn't change the fact that men like Sephiroth and Genesis saw him first. Even with everything that they were and weren't, they both fell in love with him and I wonder if it's for any of the same reasons I did, or was it simply lust?

He is a handsome man, maybe even beautiful in his own right. He has that touch of an exotic nationality that's offset by something else, and it leaves him with an uncommon appearance that causes people to take a second look. He's not stunning though, he's just attractive in a way that makes him seem like he's from a different time and place, and I watch him go back to his bag to pull out a heavier jacket before he stops and curiously regards me before I note, "You're not limping today."

"No," he answers, and then he quirks his finely sculptured brow like he wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't pointed it out. "I guess I'm not."

Then he turns from my view and checks his leg with a relieved sigh that catches my own curious attention.

"What is it?"

"Nothing," he mutters, and then he pulls the dressing off to reveal a torn pant-leg and deeply reddened marks hiding underneath. It's already turning purple from heavy bruising and I can see the reddened claw marks from the windwing he told me about, and I almost feel relieved that he was telling me the truth and that I was worrying over nothing.

Then he goes back over to his bag and pulls out a pair of black slacks that look like they could pass as part of his Turk's uniform while quietly stating that, "I've never healed properly since the remnants… that Restore materia's been a gamble ever since. Most of the time it does more damage than good."

I guess that's why he carries the potions all the sudden, and I find one more thing to feel guilty about. I'm surprised that it took me this long to realize it though, and I suddenly wonder if that feral streak he showed last night didn't have something to do more with a memory regarding what the remnants did to him rather than assumptions brought on by Genesis' stories, and maybe he just snapped because of it.

After that, he gives one quick flick to the pants to shake them out, and he starts to undo his buckle before he shyly turns away from me and explains that, "I figured there was no point in dirtying the only other pair I have until this wound stopped bleeding."

Of course not, I think, and then I turn away to give him that false sense of security over his appearance that he can't come to terms with and he quickly kicks off his shoes rubs his hands together to try to tough out the cold, and then he quickly changes so that we can do as Genesis wanted.

And I know deep down inside that I'm letting him walk into a trap, and that I'm not making any attempt to stop it.