What 'Tonberry' Really Meant
It's like a dream. Everything looks like a dream. Colours of grey, blue, steel… It's all a wash—everything except for Genesis. The crimson is almost blinding, emanating, and so is the bright aura that surrounds him, hurting my eyes.
I can hear Tseng in the other room demanding that they let me go while Genesis leans closer, moves his hand to my chest, and sympathetically tells me that, "You've taken heavy damage to your spine."
Then he lifts me and I scream.
"NYAAAGGGH!"
"Leave him alone Genesis!" Tseng demands.
Through the corner of my eye I can see only grey shadows. One man aiming his gun and another aiming back as if they're at a stand off, and their silhouettes suggest that neither of them is removing their attention from the other.
"The master…" I mutter, finding the words difficult to say as I struggle to weakly breathe them out, and I wince again as Genesis places me on the table and nods.
"Yes, the dog and his master are reunited… Once again so that the dog can forget…"
"Why?"
"Because we all want what we can't have… Cure2."
"AAAGGGHHH!"
"GENESIS!" Tseng urgently yells. "You don't need him! Let him go!"
"That's where you're wrong," the other man smoothly says—Tseng's master as Genesis called him, and 'S' as I've already figured…
And Rufus Shinra as the rest of the world knows him—the white vision in my dreams.
How did I miss it?
The signs were all there. Weren't they?
"Shhh," Genesis soothes as I'm finally able to move and I reach up to grab him by the arm as nothing more than a reflex gripping into the folds of the leather while I grimace from the pain vengefully searing up my spine, and Genesis leans closer, almost overflowing with the fulfilment of watching someone else suffer.
"We lost the source of our supplies when Weapon struck," Rufus says.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Tseng angrily asks as the pain starts to subside and Genesis holds my arms down with nothing more than sheer strength.
"Valentine's spinal fluid. Since then, we've been synthesizing a substitute that doesn't seem to work as well. It works, but the duration in which it works is unstable and you've been requiring medical attention far more frequently than you should.
"However, since the remnants got their hands on you, newer complications have arisen and I've been meaning to ask you in a way that wouldn't draw suspicion."
For a moment, Rufus pauses while the two men remain immobile and I attempt to struggle with Genesis before he smiles and jumps on me to straddle my hips and pin my legs down with his boots.
"What did the remnants do to you and why haven't those scars, or any scars since then healed?"
"They tortured me," Tseng hisses, "and like a fool, I allowed it to happen because you ordered me to retrieve Jenova's head and I never questioned your orders. Never once, and now, I'm questioning your orders."
"Tseng…" Rufus casually starts.
"You abhor science, Rufus… Was that an act? How long have you been screwing me over and why was that damned head so important to you?"
"You can interrogate me all you want," Rufus tells him, "but I'm afraid it will be a waste of your time."
"Humour me," Tseng vehemently tells him. "Please, Sir."
"You're angry," Rufus points out as I start to struggle with Genesis and Rufus continues.
"You have no idea how much it pains me to see you like this."
Then he sighs.
"Very well… I abhor science because of what it's done to you, Tseng—what it's done to everyone. I watch you every moment that I can, and I watch you deteriorate while you refuse the attention that others might offer. Every day I wonder if it will be the last time I'll see you, and every day, I wonder if it wasn't for your romanticism and inability to push Sephiroth away, would we be here right now?
"Of course not," Rufus answers his own question and pushes his coat back so that he can put his free hand into his pocket.
"But you didn't stop there, did you, Tseng? No. You were a bit of a closet tramp and you have a thing for men that you should have avoided, brothels aside, and you slept with Genesis too. You allowed them both to dominate you and like a venereal disease, both the S and G strains of the Jenova cells spread to you through their semen and made you their new home."
"A part of the family," Genesis interjects while Rufus uncomfortably clears his throat.
"Well," Rufus starts, and then he quickly flicks his bangs away from his eyes while keeping them on Tseng and my vision grows clearer.
"Not exactly. You see, we don't know what is really going on inside of you because neither of us are biologists, and you're not exactly what I believe to be a textbook case. However, what we do know is that unlike Genesis and Sephiroth, who both harbour pure forms of the cells and a healthy infusion of mako along with them to theoretically keep the cells under control—"
"Theoretically," Genesis bitterly interjects, and then he grabs one of the straps before we both start fighting over it. "A theory that was proven wrong."
"Mm," Rufus agrees and puts his hand back in his pocket. "Well, let's just say that you're more of a hybrid. Thanks to Hojo being yet one more level of a madman than we thought he was capable of. He completely cleaned your system of any defensive forms of mako whatsoever.
"So unlike ordinary soldiers and myself, you had no mako to inhibit the cells from spreading in your body like a wildfire. Now it would appear that you're a little more of a fusion between the two, along with a little bit of a fusion of—"
"A Bahamut," Tseng finishes, "and Vincent."
"I see," Rufus concludes. "You read the papers."
"You insane moron, Rufus! What the hell are you expecting to gain from this? My loyalty? My praise?"
"I need you, Tseng," Rufus answers, and Genesis leans close enough to whisper into my ear.
"He sounds like Sephiroth sometimes."
Kjata…
"Need me," Tseng mockingly repeats. "The harbinger of 'fear' himself actually needs someone? You must have gone without oxygen far longer than I thought after Weapon's attack and suffered severe brain damage."
"No," Rufus responds. "You were in the process of being revived before that incident. I fear you're the one that may have been damaged."
"So you teamed up with Genesis."
"He's the only one that knows the full extent of your condition."
"Sephiroth knew," Genesis adds before I finally break my wrist free when he almost has me secured and I manage to push him off of me so I can roll on top of him from the table to the floor as we both grunt from the impact.
"That doesn't make sense, Rufus. You know damned well that Genesis wouldn't do anything if it wasn't for his own gain."
"Of course… There is a catch, as always. It would appear that the fusion of the Bahamut species, and possibly Valentine's DNA, fused with everything else swimming around in that cesspool of a body of yours that Genesis is able to extract his own G cells that merged with Jenova's in a purified form with summon materia."
"You've got to be joking," Tseng bitterly mutters while Genesis quietly grabs onto me and pulls me closer when I attempt to get loose, causing me to grunt as I wind up lying on top of him in a vicelike embrace.
"I'm afraid not. Like you, the cells only regenerate him for so long."
"So why not just let him die? You don't need him if that's all the good he is to you."
"I'd expect no less from you," Rufus comments. "Always quick to judge for the sake of covering up your own faults. Unfortunately, as much as I abhor Genesis and his tactics, I'm afraid that he's just as critical as Valentine is to your survival.
"The only difference is that once we're done with Valentine, your odd choice of lovers is disposable… You see, the trick to Genesis' survival is the constant flow, back and forth between two entities. As it dies in one, it refreshes in the other, and as he regenerates to his peak, the part of you that is affected by the G cells dies and mutates—That's when he transfers the energy back to you and when you regenerate to your peak. The part of Genesis that is affected dies and mutates, and he must transfer that energy back.
"He believes that if it wasn't for Hojo's attempt to keep you alive all those years ago by performing a similar procedure on you that was done to Valentine that the transfer wouldn't be possible. But thanks to the Bahamut's energy signature, the use of summon materia becomes an entirely different tool for survival, and thanks to Genesis' unusual talent with summon materia, he's able to control it so that he doesn't wind up ripping your soul out in the process."
"He's much more valuable to me alive," Genesis adds before I manage to break loose again and he grabs me by the ankle to stop me from getting away.
"You've completely lost your mind," Tseng flatly concludes. "I trusted you, Rufus. I took care of you."
"Yes, and I hoped to take care of you too. I hoped that Jenova's head would offer some clues as to what we could do to end this madness."
"You know damned well what would have ended the madness!"
"Leave you dead?" Rufus mockingly asks. "I won't have that."
"Of course not. Rufus Shinra always has to have his way. You haven't changed."
"You're partially correct. But it wasn't entirely about what I wanted. It was about the unity that you inspired. Without you, the others would have left. They would have scattered and lost their way and they would have—"
"Are you listening to yourself?" Tseng disbelievingly asks. "Or is that an ability you're incapable of? The whole damned thing sounds selfish, Rufus. It's not about the others, and it's not about you caring, which is utterly laughable. It's about the fact that you can't control anything without me. You lack the leadership qualities and you lack the loyalty, and if it wasn't for my own stupidity to blindly follow you without question, you'd have nothing!"
"Well," Rufus slowly says, "you certainly have me figured out without sugar-coating it as usual."
Then Rufus waves his gun towards the door to the room Genesis and I are in before Genesis throws me back onto the table and I grunt while he grabs the straps with more determination this time to secure me and tells me that, "I guess play time is over. Pity… I like you, Valentine."
"Lucky me…" I grunt while Genesis takes on a sly look and loosely straps my wrist so that my hand is suspiciously close to my gun as if he doesn't really want his 'play time' to be over yet.
Then he leans close enough to my ear and whispers, "Koerin's men are on their way, along with the other Turks that Rufus dispatched after them in hopes of stopping them before they all find out what's going on… I wonder what will happen?"
After that, he stands straight, looks down at me and smiles, and I stare back at him like I have no idea what in the hell to expect, do, or say. All I really do know is that I have no idea how in the hell Tseng has managed to maintain the level of clear-headedness he's maintained if he'd been surrounded by this much madness for a good portion of his life.
It's no wonder he's so closed and cautious.
And it's no wonder he was so damned accepting of my own varying levels of paranoia. He practically swims in an ocean of madness and probably thought nothing of it.
"I'm not going in there," Tseng says, stubbornly refusing to follow Rufus' silent request to join us.
"Yes you are."
"I'm done taking orders from you."
"If that were true. You'd have no problem pulling that trigger right now and putting an end to this," Rufus challenges, "and since I'm willing to bet that you'd rather have me shoot you, and I'm also aware that it would make no difference if I did. I'd rather make this more pleasant for you and less for him."
"Enough has been done to him already," Tseng vehemently hisses.
"How romantic. You really do love the man, and even after everything you've discovered about yourself today, you still insist on believing that he has it worse than you," Rufus concludes. "What is it exactly, about the rebel image that attracts you so blindly? Sephiroth refused to wear a shirt, Reno refuses to do his up… And this one… Well, derelict's a bit of an understatement," Rufus snickers out, "and they all have long hair."
Then Rufus quickly aims his gun at me and shoots me in the same leg Tseng always shoots me in and I painfully growl while Genesis sharply glares for a moment before he quickly tends to me and Rufus returns his aim to Tseng.
"The next one will be fatal. We only need a fresh supply from him, and once we have that it will be easy enough to clone. Now move."
"Perhaps you'd like me to conduct my own euthanasia while we're at it?" Tseng dryly asks as he stands beside me and quickly glances at the strap around my wrist near the gun and then he takes an inconspicuous moment to suspiciously regard Genesis when he slowly adds, "It might help ease your immoral conscience."
"Immoral," Rufus mutters as he grabs Tseng by the upper arm and escorts him to the other table. "You'd know all about a lack of morals, wouldn't you?"
"Oh please do indulge me with whatever immoral acts I've conducted by following the orders from you and your father."
"How about I skip that part and indulge on the moment you forced me over my desk on the day that Sephiroth died."
"Is that what this is about? Somehow, I assumed you liked that—you kept coming back for more. Not to mention that you were shamelessly throwing yourself at me like a cuahl in heat," Tseng tauntingly says before he sadistically snickers. "Or was it the fact that I wasn't the one who kept coming back for more that bothered you?"
All I can do is hope that the sound of Rufus slugging Tseng across the face sounded worse than it really was as Genesis leans down and quietly says as if he doesn't want to disturb the other two, "Just think of all the things you missed out on by resting in that dungeon of yours."
Then Tseng chuckles and wipes the blood from his mouth while coldly staring at Rufus who's pressed the barrel of his gun to Tseng's forehead.
"Will I be of much use to you if you blow my head off, Rufus?"
"Sheer madness," Genesis muses, and then he toothily grins and watches the other two as if he were watching an awe-inspiring movie while Rufus orders Tseng to shut up.
Kjata…
"Go on," Tseng viciously growls. "Do it!"
Then he roughly pushes Rufus back to prove that he's not afraid of him and when Rufus returns his aim towards Tseng's chest, Tseng ducks so that his head is the target and madly smiles at him.
After that, they both look up to the red lights the moment the facility's alarms go off due to a breach and Tseng starts to laugh at the irony.
"It would appear that Koerin found the place."
Rufus curses and Tseng's laughter changes to a soft snicker before he turns to me with a sudden look of remorse. Then he looks at Genesis and back down to my wrist again and subtly quirks his brow. He nods, pulls the safety back on his gun, and runs out into the hall while Rufus chases after him.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?"
"To get myself blown to pieces. There'll be less for you to salvage that way."
"Hm," Genesis quietly muses as he continues to stand there with that strange grin on his face that turns serene as he mindlessly undoes the strap around my wrist and stares at the door with a star-crossed look in his eyes, "I never thought I'd see the day."
Then he quickly undoes my other wrist and grabs me before I know what's happening.
We're suddenly outside. Snow is heavily falling from the dark grey clouds above and it's threatening to get worse as the winds are starting to pick up and I assume that Genesis can teleport. Koerin's vehicles are outside the facility and the front entrance is open from what looks like an explosion, and in the concealment of the storm, Rufus' Turks are following with their weapons readied.
"It's about to get ugly," Genesis sighs, and I ready my gun and start to run towards the building on instinct before I'm roughly tugged back by my cloak.
He pounces on me then, to hold me down and I struggle with him as I try to get away. I feel like a mouse that's being played with by a cat by the way he allows me to nearly get away before he drags me back, over and over, and over.
When he finally stops, I assume it's because the other Turks have finally made it inside and the sound of gunfire has started, and I lay on my stomach with my face buried in the snow while Genesis madly hisses into my ear, "Let them kill each other. There'll be less of them to get in the way afterwards."
After what? I dreadfully wonder, and then I realize that I don't really want to know while I contemplate giving up and succumbing to the sound of the screams inside my head—the comfort of my own agony while Genesis starts to mindlessly pet my hair as if I were an animal.
Stroking over and over, and over, madly…
"When Tseng escaped the last time," he tells me, "he'd already entered the next stage."
"Next stage of what?"
"We don't know. But something changed and he managed to escape with the help of the snow witches before we were able to try to correct the issue. Then he managed to summon the Bahamut. He's been known to do it only twice now—both under extreme conditions and with absolutely no recollection, and he attacked us and the vehicle transporting you and Cloud. He's powerful, Vincent. Think of it… A member of the Bahamut fused with the power of Jenova and the will of genocide. He could be the beginning of the end to a beginning.
"We were wrong though, on many levels. His mutations don't seem to follow the same path as mine or Sephiroth's. I discovered this the last time we examined him and I hid the evidence from Rufus."
"Why?"
"Because, Valentine, I much prefer you over a Shinra descendant. You're less likely to stand in my way because you understand what he is more than Rufus ever could. You know first hand, and you'd do anything for him, even if it meant betraying him, and he likes you, trusts you—"
"Not anymore."
"You don't know him like I do. He's quick to forgive those he loves and as much as you don't want to hear it, you remind him of Sephiroth."
Then Genesis' voice grows dark when he adds, "He'd do anything for Sephiroth…"
Maybe something snapped inside. I'm not sure. I don't even know if it had anything to do with the mention of Sephiroth's name or if it was simply over the sheer madness of it all. All I really do know is that Tseng doesn't want to live if he thinks he's a monster and I don't want him to live if he's going to be more miserable than he already is.
I don't want him to die either.
But I can't stand in his way and I manage to throw Genesis a far enough distance from me while compulsively firing my gun at him before I have to reload and he starts laughing, growing in sheer size, and for a moment, I think I might be imagining it.
I'm not though, and I simply stand there and watch, looking farther up as he expands and I'm thinking it would have been nice if Cloud never woke me from that coffin. He's something entirely different from Sephiroth and Jenova, and I'm not exactly sure how I'd go about stopping something that grotesque and huge without any help. Bullets only seemed to exasperate him into this stage.
Kjata…
So I run.
I run so fast that my legs burn.
So much is going on around me. Gunfire lights up the entranceways to the lab and thoughts of Tseng's fate gnaw at my insides while I blindly leap over hills of snow and ice and crevices that reach too deep to measure over a quick passing. Several times, I lose my footing and I slip, sliding hard into a bank or a frozen ledge of shifting ground while grunting from the pain of the impact.
All the while, that thing mercilessly chases me, but he does it like he's toying with me, never catching up or getting as close as I suspect he's capable of. And before I know it, we're far enough away that I can no longer hear the gunfire and when I make my next jump over another raised ledge, I misjudge and wind up falling into a deep crevice.
When I land and scream at the sound of one of my bones snapping, I hear the sound of that creature scream too, and I suddenly wonder exactly who or what I'm running away from, Genesis, Tseng, or myself as I wait for that maniacal beast to jump down here and torture me some more.
He doesn't come though.
And I grimace while wondering if I should continue waiting or if I should continue torturing myself with all the 'what-ifs'.
Did he turn back once he realized I was trapped? Is he going after Tseng now? Why did he scream?
And I wait a bit longer before I run the fingers of my free hand over the gauntlet that shields my motionless arm and wince when a flash of Sephiroth and Tseng pierce through my thoughts.
"If I died, I'd wait forever for you," Sephiroth tells him while he lightly strokes Tseng's cheek and pulls him down into a kiss before he mumbles with his lips still against Tseng's. "Would you do the same for me?"
"No," Tseng mutters, and he starts trailing wanton kisses down Sephiroth's neck, gently, and he tangles his fingers into the man's silver-white hair. He keeps his other arm curled under Sephiroth's knee and pulls it higher while he rhythmically moves under the silk sheets.
"Mm," Sephiroth purrs and smiles while he runs his fingers through Tseng's black hair and closes his eyes as he lazily breathes out, "I don't believe you."
I rub my eyes before I clench my teeth and prepare myself. Then I scream as loud as I can when I reset my arm, no longer caring if the world can hear the layers of agony that I've released and I shakily mutter out, "Cure2," as if I didn't really want to say it when I see the image of Sephiroth standing before me.
Everything is quiet. There's no echo of gunfire in the distance, not even for my sensitive ears to hear, and I grimace when my bones refuse. Then I force myself to get up and I stumble forward while looking for a way out. There has to be a way out, and I wind up using the claws on my gauntlet and the points on the armoured toes of my boots to dig into the ice-wall surrounding me.
"Return him to you…" I grunt out as I near the top. "Safe and sound…"
Part of me says I should just give up. But I can't, and when I finally get out and start walking towards the lab, Genesis is on the ground, hunched over and cradling himself as if he's been wounded.
A trap, maybe, and I don't bother to waste my time trying to find out when he weekly laughs as I pass.
"He was shot, Valentine…" he grunts out after me, and then he chokes out as he tries to get up and falls over with his arm embracing his gut. "I can feel it…"
I only nod, and for good measure, I pull out my gun and fire a few more shots into him without bothering to turn around to even see if I hit him. I just don't care all the sudden, about anything, not even the possibility that Tseng might have felt it if Genesis was able to feel Tseng—assuming that's what's going on.
Madness.
All of it.
Right back to Hojo.
"Hehehe… Did you really think there was supposed to be any meaning in all of this? It's science, Valentine. Even Lucrecia and your father understood what it meant to detach their emotions from their work. That's why neither of them thought too highly of your future."
My future… I thought. I don't have a future…
"You could have surpassed them both. Your father used to take you to the labs and let you work with him. I saw with my own eyes how brilliant you were. From the smallest pieces of a puzzle, you were able to see the big picture and come up with solutions that even we couldn't think of. Yet you pissed it all away to be a mindless drone of a Turk! Why?"
"Because I hate what you are."
"One day, you'll see the importance of our work. Why do you think I kept you alive?"
"Because you're sick," I mutter out.
I barely realize that I'd already walked into the bowels of the lab.
Like Genesis said, I'm a machine designed to do only one thing. Kill. And that's what I do to anything that moves. I shoot it without thinking twice and reload as needed until I finally make it back to the room where Tseng discovered all the things he never wanted to discover about himself.
All the lies that became truths and all the truths that he wanted to be lies are here, and when I walk through the door, Reno is standing in the middle. He has a gun in his hand instead of his usual baton and he's breathing unevenly while gripping a handful of papers with bloodied hands.
"I was too late," he confesses. Then he wipes his forehead with the sleeve of his forearm and motions his gun towards the dead body on the floor that attracts my attention. "Who'd have ever thought it'd come to this?"
"You killed him," I observe, while noting the blood running from the centre of the man's forehead, still fresh as it stains the white coat, the white vest, and the white shirt under another black vest. The strands of blonde hair in his bangs have turned pinkish and stained, growing darker the closer they fall towards the wound, and those clear blue eyes stare blankly into nothingness.
"This wasn't part of my job," Reno says as I slowly walk around him to see that he's bleeding from a bullet wound on his shoulder, slightly above the heart. Rufus must have shot him back at the last moment.
"Thought we all… had somethin… ya know…?"
He weekly laughs then, a little sad as he shakily reaches into his coat pocket and takes out a broken cigarette while confessing that, "Tseng did'n know I started again… Could'n handle it the last time he disappeared."
Then he lights it and takes a drag from it while it crackles as if it's too stale.
"The stress gets ta me sometimes… ya know?"
"Yeah," I choke out, and I take another look around the room while Reno sways and then steadies himself with a swift jerk, "Where is he?"
"Who?"
"Tseng."
"Dunno," Reno mutters and stares off into space before he shakily takes another heavy drag and closes his eyes while swaying as if he's dizzy. "They were fightin… Rufus was… draggin him to this room and I… followed. Someone shot Tseng, and when I realized what was goin on… what Rufus was doin… I…"
"Shot him," I finish, and I take another look at Rufus and sneer. The son of a bitch had it coming.
"Yeah…" Reno confesses, and then he takes another drag. "He shot me first… Then Tseng told me he had to go… somewhere… Said he did'n want me followin 'im… He gave me this," he says, and pulls Tseng's locket out of his pocket. "Said somethin 'bout… his mother… Wants his mother to have it…"
Then he poorly jokes, "Did'n know he had one. Thought he was hatched from an egg, ya know?"
Hesitantly, I reach for it and take it from his shaky hand after he tightens his grip over it in reluctance and then lets it go.
"He ain't gonna want her to know about any'a this… Any of it…"
"I know," I tell him. "Where did he go?"
"Outside… I think… started talking gibberish 'bout someone named Sara-Ann… Said he was gonna reap what he'd sewn."
"Kjata," I mutter, and I start walking towards the door and stop for a moment when Reno calls my name.
"Valentine… He don't wancha goin after 'im… Let him go…"
"I can't…" I tell him. Then I leave and clench my teeth as I hear him fall to the floor while muttering that, "They're all dead…"
"Tseng!"
It's just like the dream. The snow is thick and furiously blowing, covering my footsteps as fast as they're appearing and hiding any trace of where Tseng might have gone.
Only unlike my dream, he's left a trail of dead witches in his wake. Each one has a clean shot between her eyes and I can only wonder if he did it because they were trying to help him or if it's because he decided he was going to end something he started years ago.
A last stand, maybe, for what little it was worth, and I almost call his name again when I hear someone else call it before they start talking to him and I start to run towards the direction of their voices.
"It's over Koerin," I hear Tseng laboriously say. "You got what you wanted. Rufus is dead, my men are dead, and so are yours."
"You're still alive, Tseng," Koerin bitterly responds.
"Not for much longer. I'll either bleed or freeze to death, whichever comes first. Now get the hell out of here and save yourself!"
"No," Koerin protests. "You don't deserve a noble death, Tseng."
"You can't keep me alive!"
"Yes I can. All I have to do is wait and do as Rufus would have done with you," I hear Koerin say, just as they both fall into sight and I automatically shoot Koerin in the back before Tseng turns his gun to me and yells as if he sees me as nothing less than a threat.
"Stay away from me, Vincent!" And I suddenly understand my dream as he drops his gun from fingers that have grown too cold to hold it and he falls to the ground. It wasn't me that shot him. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, like always, and I run toward him to pull him into my arms.
"You're gonna be okay," I tell him. "Stay with me."
Then I pull him up and start walking him back to the lab while he begs me to stop.
"Please… Vince… Stop…" he laboriously breathes out and stumbles backwards when he slips out of my arms and falls to the ground. "I can't…"
Then he grimaces and lies down in the snow as if he's found comfort while he mumbles out, "I'm done…"
As much as I don't want to resign, I leave it at that and I simply stare down at him. His lips are chapped and blue and his lashes and brows are frozen, covered in frost while he lies on his side and stares off into the distance. He's not shivering anymore and I struggle with the urge to ignore his wishes and take him back.
But for what?
Even if I did, there'd be nothing left for him to want to live for and I set my attention on the blood soaking the front of his shirt. It's almost frozen now.
Rufus shot him in the stomach and was probably going to do whatever it was he'd been doing to Tseng for years, and I kneel beside him while muttering, "It's cold out," and I pull him back into my arms to cradle him and keep him warm as best as I can. "You're going to freeze out here."
"I wish…" he mumbles, weakly breathing as he struggles to speak and his body remains motionless.
"Shhh…"
"I wish… that I never had… to do this to you…"
"You didn't do anything," I mutter, and I stare off into the distance while I carefully wrap my arms more securely around him and start to rock him.
"Just think… if only you'd stayed away."
"I didn't want to."
"You wouldn't… have to do this… again…"
"Again?" I ask, and I try to bury the notion that his thoughts are already going.
"You've already lost so much…"
That's the way it is though, I think.
That's the way it always is, and I wind up mindlessly petting his hair while I feel him winding down and his breathing weakens. Then he pushes back with a frail touch and I attempt to guess that he wants to rest back in the open instead of being smothered in my arms.
So I adjust myself to hold him as if he were a child in my arms and I rest my hand over his wound as if there were a small chance that I could stop the bleeding while he stares at the grey ceiling of treacherous wind and snow. Then I brush my warm thumb over his frozen brows to try to clear them of the frost and smear them with blood instead.
"I always wanted to tell you…" he mumbles, growing difficult to hear and I return to brushing his hair back, clearing the snow that clouds it only to have it reappear instantly, "To say it…" Then he weekly smiles as his eyes start to glaze over and he mutters my full name like the sound of it brings him comfort.
"Don't," I say, choking on my own words and knowing that he can't hear me anymore while he says what he wants to say anyway.
"I love…" he starts, and then he winces from a sharp pain before he turns his head away as if something is calling to him and his arm falls acceptingly in the same direction. His palm is up as if to hold something and he faintly smiles again while his eyes grow more lifeless and he finishes his sentence with a word that clamps onto my heart and crushes it, "Sephiroth…"
It's not just my heart that is crushing though, it's my entire chest and my throat as it closes in on itself.
Safe and sound, I hatefully think.
You win.
Then a sense of empty pride starts to tug at my exterior when I think of all the times I almost said it or wanted to say it and I never did. I even went so far as to ask him what he'd do if I told him that I loved him, and it's a small victory that means nothing while I close his stiff eyes and mutter out a substitute for the word.
"Tonberry…"
It suddenly means so much to me now, and I think I understand why Sephiroth had chosen that name for him. He kills, Tseng does, and he'd never let another person tell him how they felt about him. It was always Tseng that had to be on top while never allowing himself to allow others to let themselves get close to him. Even Sephiroth had to utter the words for the man he loved in the darkness while his lover slept, never in his conscious presence, and the word 'Tonberry' became an acceptable substitute for the words he really wanted to say.
And just like a tonberry, Tseng pierces through the flesh with a needle-sharp accuracy and fatally wounds what's inside so that he can destroy what he views as a weakness, and I lean over Tseng with mixed feelings of remorse, hatred, spite, regret, and bereavement over the fact that as much as I want and wanted to hate him, I couldn't and can't.
His lips are lifeless and cold when I rest mine against them. One last kiss, I think, and I linger while choking on the lump that arises from his last words and the recurring theme of the senseless and meaningless void that has become my life.
