T: Johnny Tightlips, everyone!

JT: I never said that was my name.

T: But... Anybody who knows the Simpsons knows you.

JT: I don't know nobody by that name.

T: Can you just read the disclaimer, please?

JT: What disclaimer.

T: The one on the paper in front of you.

JT: What paper. I don't see no paper.

T: ... This is getting old. Just tell them.

JT: Tell who.

T: The readers.

JT: What readers? You think this is some kind of story we're in? This broads' crazy!

T: As crazy as the Colonel, whose image -like the rest of the characters in this story- I do not own! There, was that so hard?

JT: What's hard.

T: Telling them that.

JT: Well maybe I can't talk or nothing.

T: You're not serious.

JT: *Silence*

T: Cut to the fic!

JT: What're you- Ow! What're you doing, you crazy broad?

Chapter Seventeen

THE COLONEL KNOWS WHAT YOU ATE LAST SUMMER! (Part 2)

"Gee, We're really sorry Yugi." Leia said, looking at the hog-tied Colonel, who was yelling something, muffled by the sock in his mouth.

Yugi shrugged, smiling. "At least we're all okay."

"He's kind of cute in a wrinkly old man kind of way." Elton said, cocking his head and grinning. Everyone groaned in disgust. The Colonel began screaming in terror, backing up against the wall.

"I agree." Elrond said, but was nudged in the ribs by Gandalf.

"You know, It's kind of sad, pointy hat, how you've ignored people in cupboards four times."

Gandalf glared at Cartmen, shaking his head.

"No, only three times. Elrond twice, and the Colonel."

"No, four times. I witnessed your naughtiness with your bakery fresh friend!"

Gandalf blanched. " Preposterous!" "I have pictures!" Cartmen said, waving a manila envelope around.

"Enough! What will it take for you to be quiet?"

"What are they talking about?" Han muttered. "You have to do everything I say for a week." Gandalf groaned. "Fine."

"Anyways..." Leia said, clearing her throat.

"I've called the cops, they'll be showing up shortly."

The doorbell rang. "That must be them now!"

Two burly cops came in, and hoisted the Colonel up, each taking one arm. Elton flirted with them, but as they were very oblivious to this, paid no attention to him.

"Your giblets are mine!" The psychotic Chicken Chef cried, spitting the sock out. "That's enough, sonny!" The first police officer mumbled, dragging him away.

"He's wanted for seven murders, and three child molestations-" "I knew it!" Yami Bakura shouted, and everyone turned to stare. He cleared his throat nervously.

"Carry on." The officer nodded. "Really strange. He was luring them into his gingerbread house."

"He has a gingerbread house?" The officer nodded again.

"It's being reposed to the King of Candy Land, the Colonel refused to pay the mortgage."

"I knew there was a Candyland!" Tea called, pointing at the rest of the houshare.

"Actually, miss, that's just a title. He's a pimp and a notorious gang leader, his trademark is stuffing the victim's pockets with candy."

"Oh." Tea said sheepishly. "Now I'll leave you to Detective Chaplin." He exited, an ashtray falling from his pocket. His eyes darted from side to side. " You really shouldn't leave your stuff on the floor."

A pale man in a black suit and bowler hat entered, his black moustache neatly combed. He placed his hat on the rack, waving to the houshare.

"Great Scott! It's Charlie Chaplin!" Bakura exclaimed.

"But- you've been dead for a long, long time!" Legolas said, pointing a shaking finger at him. Chaplin shook his head, motioning to the freezer.

"Jeez, dude. Can't you speak at all?" He shook his head. "Ooh, I love charades! Okay..." Leia observed as Chaplin ran around the room, flailing his arms wildly and pointing at the freezer.

"Okay. You were frozen, so you could come back and fight crime!" Chaplin gave her the thumbs up sign.

"Sounds like a bad spin-off." Elton muttered.

" Would you like a cup of coffee, Mister Chaplin?" Yugi asked. Chaplin nodded, once again flailing his arms.

Han rolled his eyes. "Okay, no cream or sugar. Right." Yugi said, disappearing into the kitchen.

Chaplin took out a note pad, and gestured for Gandalf to begin speaking.

"Me? Oh, right. It all started when Yugi told us that the Colonel was out committing murders, Yami mentioned that he thought him to be more of a child molester, but we didn't believe either of them."

He took it all down, motioning for Gandalf to continue.

"Yugi saw him outside his window, but Bakura and Yami didn't believe him. The Colonel somehow got inside, sneaking around. I found him in the linen closet with a knife, and we called the police."

Chaplin nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. He flailed his arms yet again, and it took awhile before they finally understood him.

"Oh! The Colonel picks up on every thirteenth caller, goes to their address and kills them... But.. You still don't have... Chicken?"

He shook his head. "A pen?" "Cd player!" "A bathroom?"

The houshare began calling out all sorts of answers.

"A duck?" "A precious?" "A motive, yes?" Yoda said slowly. "Exactly!" Chaplin cried, immediately realizing his mistake and clamping a hand over his mouth.

"Wait a minute! You could talk all along, and made us look like idiots?" Han roared. Chaplin flailed his arms.

"No, No. None of that! Talk to me!" "He's a silent movie star! If he talks, they'll fire him." Chaplin nodded.

"But he doesn't work for them anymore! No silent films exist!" "Han, just calm down-" "Is he- He's making faces at me!" "Han!" "Alright, quiet boy, out you go!" Han picked up Chaplin by the back of his suit, throwing him out the front door.

"I believe I had a hat!" Han chucked it at him, the hat landing at his feet as he picked himself up. "Get off of our property!" "I'm suing!" Chaplin shouted at the closed door.

"I can't stop talking! There I go! I'm still doing it! Make it stop, there I go again! AHHH!"

WITTY PHANTOM: There's a very important message here, reader. Never trust old men with goatees, and don't open the door for Charlie Chaplin.

RAY: That's not the message!

WITTY PHANTOM: Really? *Turns around* Pray tell, what is it then?

RAY: *proudly* Never trust old men with goatees, don't open the door for Charlie Chaplin and never, never go within ten feet of a gingerbread house.

WITTY PHANTOM: That's exactly what I said!

RAY: Nothing about Gingerbread!

WITTY PHANTOM: But-

RAY: Shush!

WITTY PHANTOM: Don't you tell me to-

RAY: Quiet!

WITTY PHANTOM: *glaring* Fine, you win.

RAY: *all happy* YAY!

WITTY PHANTOM: I'd best let you go now, reader. And remember, never trust old men with goatees, Charlie Chaplin should not be dealt with, and nothing good comes from gingerbread.

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Shadi and T are tying Johnny Tightlips to a chair. As they move across the dusty floor, their shoe prints and bits of rope spell the words "Elton in Pieces."

T: Tell them to Read and Review!

JT: I ain't saying nothing!