Two men in plaid shirts sit on opposite sides of a leather couch.

JUAN: I guess we're big stars, now, huh?

T: Would you mind telling the readers who you are? You know, so they'll know who to write their fan mail to.

JUAN: Well, I'm Juan and this is Julio. *Excitedly* We're in this chapter together.

T: That you are! Would you mind telling us a bit about yourselves?

JUAN: *Cupping his hand to his ear* Juan says [David Copperfield]

T: Is that... Is that David Copperfield?

JULIO: No hablo anglese.

JUAN: He says he doesn't speak English.

T: Ah. *Leaping up with a sudden realization* But he heard me say 'Would you mind telling us a bit about yourselves!'

Julio's eyes are shifty.

T: *Sighing* The disclaimer, please.

JUAN: T, Pirate Duke of Leprachuans, does not own LOTR, Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, South Park, or any of those other things, man... Julio, I just read a disclaimer! I'm famous!

T: Riiiight.

Chapter 23

BULLZILLA!

"You guys know what today is?" Han said excitedly, grabbing the back of the couch. "It's the twentieth annual running of the bulls!"

"Exciting." Tea yawned.

"Wonderful, yes." Yoda said in a haggard manner, his eyes widening in surprise as Han snatched the remote off his lazy stomach.

"It's being televised!"

Everyone muttered under their breath.

"Fine, then, be that way." Han huffed, crossing his arms.

Yami Bakura rolled his eyes at Han, retreating upstairs as everyone else filtered out of the room.

MEANWHILE...

"Julio, I don think ze gate will hold." Juan said, pinching a steel bar on the cage of the great beast. Cupping his hand to his ear, he listened as Julio began yelling back at him in Spanish. "Hokay, hokay, you're right, is not like Bullzilla will be in there long. But Julio, what will we do if one of ze men can outrun him?"

Juan laughed manically and responded.

"Oh! We sell him to McDonald's?"

Bullzilla, who seemed to understand this, mooed loudly and his eyes became as wide as dinner plates. Throwing himself at the flimsy bars, he snapped them as easily as toothpicks and ran off into the sunset. Juan and Julio watched him go, took off their hats and stamped on them.

"At least we have ze other bulls." Juan said weakly.

Julio beckoned to him, and slapped him across the face.

"Whoa, look at that!" Yami Yugi exclaimed, watching the bulls clamber out of their cages and chase the screaming men. "This is a sport?"

"The very best!" Han replied, raising his beer in a salute.

"Can is different, Yes." Yoda said in perplexity, after deciding that he should watch the bull running to see why Han loved it so.

"This, my friend." Han began, putting an arm around Yoda. "Is a Canadian beer. Seven percent alcohol! You can't watch a Mexican sport without a frosty Canadian beer."

"Ooh!" The others sighed, admiring the large red maple leaf on Han's beer.

Little did they know that the star of the event was resting on his laurels, literally. After clambering up and defiling a rose bush, Bullzilla snorted and made his way up the driveway. Pushing his way in through the door, he trotted into the living room. The "Psycho" theme began to play, the tempo speeding up and becoming dreadfully eerie as the gigantic bull came closer to the couch...

"Play your music somewhere else!"

Muttering and grumbling, Gandalf put down his fiddle and went upstairs, completely oblivious to the large bull standing behind the couch.

Bullzilla snorted, pawing the ground. Yami Yugi's spiky head snapped around, and he stared in horror at the bull.

"Uhm... Han? You ought to have a look at this!"

"It'd better be good!" He growled. "You just made me miss some guy get- Whoa!"

Everyone turned around, staring at the bull. The bull stared back. Han blinked. Bullzilla blinked. Yami Yugi blinked. Bullzilla blinked. Yoda blinked. Bullzilla blinked. Chewie growled. Bullzilla snorted.

"Cool!" Han said gleefully. He dumped the chips from the bowl onto the coffee table, pouring two cans of beer into it before he placed it on the floor. "Here you go, boy."

Bullzilla sniffed at the foreign substance before drinking deeply from it.

"Good idea this is not." Yoda said worriedly, and Yami Yugi grunted in assent.

"Will you guys shut up!" Han called. "I'm trying to watch guys get trampled, here!"

As the racing went on, Bullzilla became more and more impaired; despite his size he had never before drunk anything as potent as Canadian beer, let alone the amount of alcohol Han had given him. Bullzilla swayed violently and gave a moo which sounded a lot like a laugh.

"Good boy!" Han said with a belch, quite drunk as well.

"Run like the wind!" Han said, and Yami Yugi, Yoda and Jabba, surrounded by beer cans, laughed. Han spilled his beer in his lap, cursed, and threatened to punch out the three gigglers unless they 'shaddap.'

Bullzilla tipped and swayed down the hall to Tea and Leia's room.

"Bakura's no fun, he'll be so mad when he wakes up."

"We just put a little make up on him, it wasn't that much." Leia sighed.

"If only we could find a willing subject." Tea sighed.

"Moo!" Bullzilla bellowed, and fell over with a tremendous crash that rattled the chandelier. Both gasped, afeared. But the fear passed, and when they noticed that the bull couldn't even stand up both grinned evilly at each other, taking their horrid cosmetics into hand...

When they had finished, Bullzilla did not look like a bull anymore. He looked a lot like a call girl from an episode of 'Cops,' one of those call girls that aren't really girls.

Again, Bullzilla gave a moo suspiciously like a laugh, and tipping out the door. Bullzilla bumped into the wall, leaving all of his make-up in a splotch carrying his last facial expression, which was one of extreme stupidity and doltish surprise. Recovering from this, he caught sight of someone.

Now, people are quite convinced that bovines can't fall in love, especially not love at first sight. But none of these people quite saw the look that Bullzilla gave Bakura.

He was sitting, slumped over his book, asleep with a peaceful expression on his face, which was coated in make-up. Bullzilla mooed quietly in approval and awe, his beady little eyes drinking in the sight of the beauty before him.

The moo woke Bakura, who put a hand to his overly done cheeks, and scowled, getting up and wandering into the bathroom, oblivious to the presence of Bullzilla.

"I can't believe they did that. It's a good thing no one saw me." The white-haired teen sighed, towelling his clean face dry. He walked into the hallway, perplexed at what he heard. Was that... Yes it was. Barry White. Barry White music coming from his room?

Bakura went up to the door, cautiously opening it.

"Great Scott! What the bloody hell?" He exclaimed. While he had been gone, red satin ones had replaced the curtains. A large heart shaped mattress lay in the middle of the floor, surrounded by candles, the only source of light in the room besides the red chilli pepper lights strung from the ceiling. A bottle of wine in a cooler lay on the mattress.

Suddenly, the door slammed shut behind him, locking. Bakura squeaked, whipping around. He saw nothing at eye level, but, gradually, he made his way halfway down, to see Bullzilla.

The great beast had a strange glint in its eyes, and it raised and lowered the fur above them in a suggestive greeting.

"This can't be happening." Bakura said, taking his head into his hands. "A bull is coming on to me!" As if to answer, Bullzilla stepped forward, the hot air from his snort blowing the rose petals on the floor into a heart.

Bakura gave a frightened yelp, his amber eyes going wide. He ran around the room, Bullzilla chasing after him.

"Look!" He said, hiding behind a chair. "You're a bull, and I'm-" He squeaked as Bullzilla playfully bit at his pant leg. "You're not my type!" He said, scared out of his wits. He tripped and fell. Bullzilla came up behind him, dragging him with his teeth by the back of his sweater to the mattress.

Frightened, Bakura found himself lying next to the great beast, it looking straight into his eyes and pawing at his chest lovingly. This was wrong! This was... This was... What WAS this? More importantly, Bakura couldn't, and didn't want to wrap his head around just how 'it' would happen.

Summoning every last bit of his strength his shaking limbs would give him he dove off of the mattress, dragging himself over to the bunk bed ladder. Bullzilla tackled him. Bakura gave a strangled cry as the bull attempted to off his pants. A terrible ripping noise sounded, and Bakura knew there was a large tear in the back of his jeans. He hauled himself up, pulling up the ladder as well.

The bull, horny and angered, began ramming the bunk bed with its head. Bakura yelled for help, but knew it certainly wouldn't come- Barry White's music was playing too loudly.

Bullzilla was ramming extremely hard. The frame creaked and groaned, starting to become dented. Alas, Bullzilla wasn't aware that this would be his own undoing. Great vibrations were sent up the floor and walls, shaking the bolt loose. The door swung open, and Yami Bakura, about to come into the room, stood staring in shock at what was going on before he laughed hysterically.

"Ryou's going to lose it to a bull!" He shrieked, holding his stomach.

"It isn't funny." Bakura whined, tearing up.

"Alright, I'm sorry." His Yami muttered, tackling Bullzilla and wrestling him to the ground. Bullzilla, much too drunk and weak to resist, lay panting on the floor, still looking at Bakura with a loving air.

"What's going- Oh my." Gandalf stated, not believing his eyes. He poked Bullzilla with his staff. Bullzilla mooed. Gandalf poked. Bullzilla mooed. Gandalf poked twice. Bullzilla gave a long, loud, moo. Gandalf poked four times, and Bullzilla matched each one.

"Curious." Gandalf murmured, turning to Bakura. "Did he try to hide the monkey?" "What?" Bakura said, blinking. His Yami was also confused. Gandalf sighed.

"Whip out his meat and two veg? Roll in the hay? Shake things up a bit? Get rowdy? Rock the casaba? Make love?" He suggested, met with blank stares.

"He's talking gibberish, get his pills." Yami Bakura hissed to his hikari.

"I'm not on drugs!" Gandalf roared. "Did the bull want to get horizontal?"

Blank stares.

"Hey hey hey!" Gandalf said, thrusting the air.

Still nothing.

Gandalf whistled, taking his hat off and spanking himself, riding his staff around the room. They went on staring at him like he was a madman as he got down on all fours, howled, and pulled his legs up behind his head. A laugh came from the doorway.

"Aww, don't stop, I wanted to see the little freak show, pointy hat." Cartmen said, and took one look around the room before proclaiming:

"Holy shit, Bakura! Did Bullzilla try to fuck you?"

"Yes." Bakura replied, a tone of fear still present in his voice.

"That's what I've been trying to ask!" Gandalf roared, stamping on his hat.

"Well, you could've said it more clearly!" Yami Bakura hissed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Juan proclaimed, coming into the room with a long industrial chain.

"Whoa, we really are the playboy mansion!" Cartmen exclaimed.

"Eh?" Juan said, staring at him.

"Nothing." Gandalf said, clearing his throat. "Are you the owner of this bovine?"

"Eh?"

"Bullzilla!" Gandalf cried, exasperated.

"Yes, I'm here to take Bullzilla. I'm sorry about what he tried to do, young senior. Ze big bulls like him tend to swing that way. I'm Juan, and once again I apologize."

He put the chain around Bullzilla's neck, yelling curses in Spanish and tugging. The bull mooed and stood up, casting Bakura a forlorn look as it let itself be dragged out the door.

"That was-"

"Fucked!"

"Watch your language."

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T: This is nice. Real nice! *Petting the couch* What is this, Italian leather?

Juan and Julio exchange a glance.