T: What's this I hear about you getting us Oprah?

SHADI: I got us Oprah.

T: You did not.

SHADI: I did.

T: You did not.

SHADI: I did.

T: You did?

SHADI: I did.

T: Really?

SHADI: Yes. Come on in, Ms. Winfrey!

An obscenely fat man waddles in, his bulk squeezed into a red pencil skirt and matching blazer. His faux gozongas are too huge for the pink and black paisely blouse he wears- one of the buttons flies off and hits T in the head with a soft 'Ping!'. Not only is his face slathered in make-up, but it is just as stubbly as his hoseless legs. Squeezed into patent leather pumps that are two sizes too small for him, his foot-fat hangs over the edge of each shoe. With an awkward smile he fixes his curly wig with one of his massive, manicured hands, revealling for a moment the pantyhose skullcap beneath.

T:... Um, Shadi?

SHADI: *Shaking his hand* I'm your biggest fan!

T: Shadi, that's... That's not Oprah.

SHADI: *Crestfallen* What? No no, this is Oprah, she's just... Put on a little weight.

T: Nooo.

SHADI: No?

T: Uh-uh.

SHADI: But-

T: *Shakes head* No, non, nein, iie, nyet-

SHADI: But I asked you and you said you were the Queen of Daytime Television!

'OPRAH': Honey, I said I was the Drag Queen of Daytime Television.

SHADI: That's the same thing, right?

T: *Facepalm*

SHADI: Right?

T: Would you like to...?

'OPRAH': Sure. T, Pirate Duke of Leprachauns does not own South Park, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Yu-Gi-Oh or any of the other characters here, nor does she own the rights to Dr. Phil's show.

T: *Pushing through Shadi and 'Oprah'* Dr. Phil gets me excited about my life!

'OPRAH' & SHADI: O.O;

T: Just kidding, he doesn't really. *Hides in the corner*

Chapter 24

SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK'S WITH CARTMEN? (Part I)

"And we now return you to our Dr. Phil marathon."

The houshare groaned.

"There's only so many times he can tell you to help yourself!" Elrond exclaimed, putting his hands up in a 'why me' pose.

"I'd like to help him." Han said, making a fist and punching his palm menacingly.

"Oh, come on guys, just don't watch." Tea said.

Grumbling and muttering, the living room cleared out, all except for Cartmen.

"Cartmen?" Tea said, surprised. "You watch Dr. Phil?"

"I wanna see what the old Fuck's about." He muttered, and Tea smilingly left him to it.

The birds warbled in the trees, and thought they broke the silence of the early morn, they still maintained a relatively peaceful quiet. Alas, the houshare knew it wouldn't last long. In about ten minutes, Gollum would hurl himself up the stairs and run around the second floor, looking for the One Ring.

They waited, but Gollum never came. Perplexed, they went downstairs. He wasn't in his closet. Elrond opened the door to the kitchen, and gave a loud, booming laugh.

They rushed over to see what it was, their jaws dropping to the floor. In the kitchen was Cartmen, having what seemed to be a tea party with Gollum. They might have thought this to be a coincidence that both were at the table, but in seeing Cartmen's red cocktail dress, clip on earrings and blushed cheeks, they gasped.

"Did you drink my beer?" Han exclaimed, annoyed.

"Heavens to Betsy, no." Cartmen said with a giggle.

"Did... He just say Heavens to Betsy?" Gandalf whispered.

"Yes, I did Gandalf. Swearing is wrong."

With a strangled cry, Gandalf jumped Cartmen, shaking him by the shoulders.

"Who are you? What have you done with Cartmen?" He shouted.

"Now calm down, friend, and have some tea and crumpets."

"Okay." Gandalf said, about to sit down. "No, wait! Not until you answer my questions!"

"It's me!" Cartmen said, throwing up his hands. "I just decided to change my ways a little, that's all. I was a swearing, mean boy before and I wanted to change that."

Everyone blinked as his words sunk in.

"Cartmen..." Leia said. "You're scaring me."

"Oh, dear. I'm sorry!"

She blinked, shaking her head and exiting the room just as Yami Bakura came in. "What're we looking at? Moo!"

"You promised you wouldn't do that!" Bakura wailed.

Yami Yugi scowled at the tomb robber, putting an arm around Bakura.

"Is that... Why yes it is." He said, bending over and peering at Cartmen. A bell sounded. "Ooh, my macaroons!"

He hurried up from the table and over to the oven. They all backed away slowly, like Steve Irwin would to a rabid hippopotamus. They ran up the stairs, holding a council in Han's room.

"What do we do! What do we do?" Elton screamed, rolling on the floor.

"You can start by getting up and shutting up." Elrond said in an icy tone.

"Oh, you're not still miffed about my sleeping beside you?"

"MIFFED?" Elrond roared, standing up with such ferocity that everyone cowered in his or her chair.

"You had your head on my shoulder, traced circles on my chest with your index finger and asked me what I was thinking about!"

"Please." Gandalf began, taking Elrond's shoulders and attempting to push the nostril-flared elf into his seat. "Let's stay on topic."

"Moo." Yami Bakura said.

Bakura jumped a foot in the air, grabbing onto Chewie, his eyebrow twitching.

"Yami!" Tea scolded.

Yami chuckled softly, crossing his arms.

"Nun!" Bakura retorted.

"Where?" Yami Bakura screamed, snatching his hikari and using him as a human shield.

"You're both freaks. Continue Elrond." Han said.

"Yes." He said, tenting his fingers. "I blame Martha Stewart-"

"Elrond Halfelven!"

"But, I don't believe she's the culprit this time. And for the record I was simply stating that Cartmen's macaroons bared a resemblance to hers. Anyway..." Elrond said, clearing his throat. "The poncy effeminate powers which hold the boy captive are too great to break by us alone. He was lazy, sports will not help. He cooks now, food will not help. He says 'Heavens to Betsy.' There is no hope left."

"Nooo!" Elton screamed at the ceiling, falling to his knees. "He was so young!"

"Shut up!" Elrond snapped, his anger fading back into calmness at an alarming speed. "Menopause." Han muttered.

"I heard that." Elrond hissed. "But, as I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted." He cast a glance at Elton, who grinned sheepishly. "There is another plan that just might be successful."

"Plan B?" Yugi said.

"Yes." Elrond said slowly "B."

There was a dramatic pause, and someone coughed.

"My hypothesis is that in watching Dr. Phil Cartmen learned that he should be kinder to others, but became obsessed and a perfectionist. So, we must-"

"Call in Dr. Phil!"

"Thank you for shattering our moment of suspense, Legolas!"

"Sorry." The blond elf sneered, flipping his hair over his shoulder. "Excuse me for living!"