T: Oh well. I guess Oprah was too busy helping Dr. Oz with his own show that she couldn't come down and see us.
SHADI: Dr. Oz doesn't have his own show.
T: What're you talking about? I just saw that paranoid segment on how evil carpets are.
SHADI: Dr. Oz doesn't have his own show.
T: Sure he does, late afternoons on-
SHADI: *Raps his knuckles on an invisible wall* Time bubble.
T: Right, right. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, South Park, or the rights to Dr. Phil's show... And Dr. Oz doesn't have his own show. Just ask the Time Bubble.
Chapter 25
SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK'S WITH CARTMEN? (Part 2)
Yami Bakura and Yugi grinned deviously to one another. Yami dialed the number, and they put the phone down between them.
"Hello?" A Texan voice asked.
"Is this Dr. Phil?" Yugi said in a deep voice.
"Yes, it is."
"We're from the... Water Conservation Bureau of... Kentucky." Yami lied, nudging Yugi so he wouldn't laugh.
"What can I do for you?"
"We just need to ask you a few questions." Yugi said, stifling a giggle.
"Ask away."
"Is your toilet running?"
"Hang on." There was a long pause and the sound of footsteps. Yami Bakura and Yugi snickered. "Yes."
"Well then you'd better catch it!" They exclaimed in unison, laughing hysterically.
"Why you! How did I not see that coming? Your ass is grass, boy! I may be a country boy, but I'm no fool!"
"Yami! Yugi!" Gandalf scolded, taking the phone from which loud angry ramblings came. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Phil."
"It's all right." He sighed. "It happens more often than I'd like to admit. But this'd better be serious."
"Oh, it is, it is." Gandalf said, nodding.
"A friend of ours, a rather crude, masculine friend, has become effeminate and polite. Normally we wouldn't complain, but it's very scary and not like him."
"I'll be right over! To the Oprah-mobile!" Phil exclaimed. "Uhm... Did I just say that out loud?"
"Yes." Yami and Yugi snickered.
"I'd appreciate you not mentioning that."
"Done."
The doorbell rang, and Yami Bakura went along with Gandalf to answer it.
Standing there was the big man himself, Dr. Phil.
"Hello, this is the right house? The woman next door was yelling about good things and whipping cupcakes at me."
"Yes, and that was Martha Stewart. We've had run ins with her before." Gandalf explained.
"DEVIL'S FOOD CAKE!" Cried a cheerful voice.
A violent shiver ran through Phil.
"Get inside, quickly!" Gandalf exclaimed, pulling him in by his tie.
"AND THAT'S A GOOD THING!"
"So.." Phil said, and then caught a glance of Yami Bakura. "Hey, you're that poor boy who nearly got it form Bullzilla!"
He shook his head, and evil glint coming to his eye as he saw Bakura come out of the kitchen.
"That would be him." He said, pointing. "Ryou!"
"Hmm?" Bakura looked up from the plate of cheese and crackers he was carrying.
"Moo!"
"Stop it! Stop it!" He wailed, running up the stairs.
"Yami! That was cruel." Gandalf said, hitting him with his staff.
Yami Bakura simply chuckled.
"Yes, but it was fun."
"Hello?" Bakura said from the top of the stairs, clutching the phone to his ear. "Oh, hello Sister. Yes, Yami's here."
"You're lying!" Yami Bakura hissed.
"Yes, I'll ask him."
"Ryou, if they're really is someone there..."
"It's for you." He smirked, holding the receiver out.
"Don't you-" Yami Bakura sputtered.
"Yes, he's coming."
"Ryou! Stop it!" Yami said, panicking.
Phil just stared, Gandalf shaking his head slowly.
"Bless you too."
This pushed Yami Bakura over the edge. He ran, screaming, up the stairs, and dove at Bakura, tackling the grinning boy. He grabbed the phone and hung up, before, still screaming, he ran to his room. Bakura laughed and pelted him with cheese as he chased after him.
"This house needs as much help as it can get." Phil muttered, sighing. "Now where's the effeminate boy?"
"Oh, thank god!" Han said, coming out of kitchen and rushing over, heartily shaking Phil's hand. "You're from the institution come to take that nut Yami away?"
"No, but I guess I'll take a look at him too, and the other boy while we're at it." Phil said, letting himself be led to Cartmen.
"Now Cartmen, you said you wanted to change so that the others would like you better?"
He nodded sadly.
"You shouldn't have to change yourself so that people will like you, boy. And besides, they like you as you are. You can try to improve yourself if you want to, like maybe cut back on the swearing-"
"So what you're saying is... No matter what I'm like, they're stuck with me? Forever?"
"Well, I guess-"
"Thanks, Dr. Poof!" Cartmen exclaimed, ripping off his earrings and rubbing away the make-up. "They're stuck with me, and if they don't like it, tough Shit! They can't do Jack Fuck!"
"Uhm... Well-"
By this time Cartmen had bolted from the room, nearly knocking over Elrond.
"Make way, clammy!"
"Ah, I see you've fixed him."
"We need to get you fixed!" He called back with a laugh.
Elrond forced a grin. "It's good to have him back."
"I wasn't gone long." Elton said, grocery bags in hand, kissing him not the cheek.
"Not you!" Elrond roared, wiping Elton's spit away. "And don't you do that again!"
Phil backed out of the kitchen as Elrond went crazy, trying to peel Elton off him. Tea was reading calmly in the living room, despite what was going on around her. Yugi had squirted his Yami with a gun full of ketchup, the front of his leather shirt now covered with red splotches. He was chasing him around the room, tripping over things. Suddenly, he tripped over the coffee table, his pants ripping.
"I see London, I see France, I see the Pharaoh's underpants!" Yami Bakura exclaimed, laughing manically.
Yami Yugi, ignoring the fact that his red briefs were in full view of everyone in the room, began chasing the tomb robber, Yugi trying to set them apart.
Phil backed out of this room, to see Legolas duelling Gollum with a carrot for his hair dryer. Gandalf was at the top of the stairs, leaning against the banister. Yoda came barrelling around the corner, the tips of what little hair he had left on fire. He ran into a screaming Gandalf, and both rolled down the stairs, landing in a heap.
Han, a drunken mess, fell over the railing and onto Jabba, who gurgled at him, obviously cursing. Leia ran around the second floor, laughing and clicking her lighter, a flaming shot glass in hand.
Phil, totally mortified, backed out the door and into the driveway. He continued backing up, unable to peel his eyes from the strange sight, eventually tripping over Chewie who was sunbathing. Bakura was a few feet away, whistling British pop songs while gardening.
"Oh, hello." He said cheerfully, seeing Phil. "Thanks again for helping Cartmen."
"No trouble..." Phil said, forcing a smile.
Bakura smiled and turned back to his work, paying no heed to Elrond who toppled into the rose bushes, Elton leaning out the bathroom window proclaiming his love for him.
Phil ran. He ran like the wind, dress shoes slapping the pavement.
"These people are nuts!"
WITTY PHANTOM: Quite rightly, I agree with the good doctor. They are nuts. *Moves finger in a circular motion by his left ear.*
RAY: And we made 'em that way! *cheers*
WITTY PHANTOM: Well, reader, Valentine's day is coming up very soon. And you know what that means.
RAY: *whispering* Are you sure they know?
WITTY PHANTOM: Of course they know about Valentine's day!
RAY: Is that the day where Martha comes over and makes you eat her truffles?
WITTY PHANTOM: *pulls at his hair* NOOOOOOO!
RAY: *clearing throat* Well, reader, his mind's kinda in a state of shock, so I'll continue. Be sure to get your lover a ravenous beaver this Valentine's day, Kay? *giggles*
