All I have always wanted (3.16)
(Outside the department building, before leaving Tommy)
Natalie watched Monk with interest as he interacted with Tommy on the lawn. For once, she saw Monk smile and be happy and carefree. He even touched and laid himself on nature. Nature! Such a scene would have been unheard of before but here, before her very eyes, was Adrian Monk playing with a young boy and not worrying about the next crime in San Francisco. He was running around in circles with the boy and hugging him just as any parent would do. It was a new person before Natalie and the image made her cry in happiness.
Natalie knew that Monk disliked change and would not have changed himself overnight. She reasoned that the Adrian Monk before her must be the real Adrian Monk, a man who wanted to be a caring father and loving husband. The latter was cruelly taken away from him long ago but Tommy offered him a chance to be the former. It was a brief and welcoming opportunity, like drops of water on a parched earth, and Monk had embraced it fully. She had thought that Monk would not be able to take care of Tommy even briefly but he obviously proved her wrong. She agreed with herself that at the end, Adrian Monk would make a great father. For Tommy, or for any other child, even Julie.
Thinking about Julie made Natalie realize what Julie missed in Mitch. Julie had grown up without a father and who knew what a difference Mitch would have made in her life. Natalie thought about her deceased husband and how he, like Monk, had lost his chance to be a caring father. Natalie could only conjecture what kind of father Mitch would have made, but he like Monk would have saved Julie's fish instead of that moon rock a long while ago. Natalie still could not believe that Monk chose to save Julie's fish that day. It was the nicest thing any man had done for Julie and Natalie appreciated it with all her heart. If only that Julie needed a father, Adrian Monk would surely fit in nicely, just as he did with Tommy. They could even be a nice little family, just as she and Monk probably would have wanted.
(After saying goodbye to Tommy, when walking back)
After seeing Tommy driven away, Monk and Natalie were walking back to her car. During the walk back, Monk could not resist numerous temptations to turn around and look back at the disappearing figure of the car. Natalie did not discourage him and waited for him at each step. It was something Monk really needed and he should not feel obliged to not have the opportunity for a few last peeks.
"Natalie, could you drive me to the park where I met Tommy?" Monk asked.
They got to the park after a short drive. Natalie noticed Monk in deep contemplation throughout the trip and she did not bother him at all. Unusual for him, Monk did not spend any time rearranging the assorted coins in the drawers or the papers all over the glove compartment. After they got out of the car, Monk surprisingly asked Natalie to accompany him on a walk through the woods. At first, Natalie was in disbelief at Monk's willingness to walk through nature again. She was even in greater awe at Monk's offering her to curl her arm with his as they walked. Now, Natalie was seriously doubting that Monk had not substantially changed but thoughts on that would have to come later. Finding herself joyful for some reason, Natalie eagerly took Monk's arm and started their slow yet relaxing walk through the woods.
"Natalie, you know why we are taking this walk through these woods?" Monk questioned her.
"I'm not sure, Mr. Monk. Maybe you are still reminiscing about Tommy," replied Natalie.
"That's true. I still remember that day when we first walked on these trails. It felt like yesterday", Monk said wistfully.
"Mr. Monk, I know I asked you this before, back when we were in the diner, but what made you choose Tommy?"
"Well, I really don't know. I think it's that he and I share similar circumstances. Ever since I lost Trudy, I felt incapable of love. The only love I knew back then and that I know of now is my love for Trudy. Then, Tommy came along. He had no family and was amidst being transferred to another caretaker. I felt that he needed love and in a strange way, it made me reach out to him with love. You know that by then, I had given up in believing that I could show love, yet all of a sudden, he came along and changed everything. It made me want to love him and for him to love me back".
Monk's words touched Natalie deeply. She pulled him into a hug and they held each other for a while under the canopy. After some while, she reluctantly released him and looked at Monk with a strong gaze.
"Mr. Monk, it's right of you to love Tommy so much. It shows that you are a compassionate person fully capable of expressing love, even when Tommy is not around. I knew that a long time ago. The time when you saved Julie's fish instead of the moon rock. The time when you saved me on the back of the truck. The time when you gambled to save Randy from debt. The time when you volunteered your time and effort to help me run for election and save Julie's school. Those are all love. Your love for Trudy will always come first, as is mine for Mitch, but there are different kinds of love, all with different sources and you are capable of producing and showing love, just like every body else".
Now was Monk's turn to be touched. He thought about Natalie's words and found himself agreeing with what she said. Perhaps she had a point and his own life was not pointless in the direction of love after all.
"Natalie, you really mean that love comes from all different sources?"
"Yes, I certainly do".
"Well, you know, of the four cases you listed, they all have one common source".
"Really, what is it?"
"You."
Natalie instantly stopped and turned to look at Monk. As far as their linked arms allowed, Monk looked ahead away from her gaze. Natalie tried to say something but Monk's terse reply had rendered her utterly speechless. He was gazing ahead toward a wooden bridge across a creek. Natalie's eyes followed his gaze but her mind was still on his reply. Adrian Monk was a man whose words meant much to him and others and for once, Natalie was truly perplexed by what he meant. She noticed that he too was perplexed by his own words. For once, the almighty detective found a riddle that was beyond his own ability to solve and was of his own making!
Natalie thought of a way to untangle the riddle, both for Monk and her. As they reached the bridge, Natalie let go of Monk and skipped mirthfully across the bridge to the other side of the creek. Monk, himself afraid of bridges, was reluctant to cross and silently pleaded with Natalie to return.
"No, Mr. Monk, I cannot go back. Didn't you and Tommy also cross this bridge?" Natalie told him across the creek.
"No, Natalie, we took a long detour and went back to the playground that way", Monk replied.
"Well, too bad Mr. Monk. Tommy is not here anymore and it's only me. I'm not coming back to get you".
Monk took a hesitant step toward the bridge. He then withdrew two steps back after seeing the water flow past. Obviously, he was not going to have much inclination to cross the bridge.
"Here you go, Mr. Monk. Think about it, where are bridges on your list of fears?"
"Eh, it's up there somewhere, near monkeys and rabbits".
"Well, think about staying on that side. I'm not there with you. I cannot be with you. How would you describe it?"
"Natalie, don't make me do this. It's not right to do this".
"I'm sorry Mr. Monk. I really think it's the right thing to do. Come over to this side".
"Natalie, everything will be fine right here. Haven't you heard, that change is not good? Everything will be just right at the end, right over here, on this side".
"You really think so? And you'll wait that long, even if I'm gone"?
"Yes".
"Then, have you heard the quote, 'Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect'?"
"Yes, it was Mark Victor Hansen".
"You believe it?"
"Yes".
"If that be the case, because you are waiting until everything is just right, it will never be perfect. Staying on your side is imperfect. Doesn't imperfection trump bridges?"
Monk was taken aback by her reasoning. While he was not the wisest or most logical of people, few if anybody besides Trudy had outwitted him. He had to concede that staying on his side would be imperfect. While it did not mean that crossing over to Natalie's side was perfect, it was still a possibility. Looking at Natalie smiling at him with a gleam of triumph, Monk started to believe it was more than a possibility, maybe a probability. With some reluctance but a renewed sense of purpose, Monk walked across the bridge.
