Disclaimer: I do not own Eastenders or any of the characters.

Story: My attempt at Syed's perspective when thinking about his feelings for Christian and trying to decide what to do. Slash.

Note: This story is not intended to offend Muslims. It is merely my recounting of one man's conflict between his faith and his sexuality. Whilst I cannot understand the issue fully being non religious, I aim to handle the issue with utmost respect and realism.

Syed

I wake staring at an unfamiliar ceiling before it all comes back to me. I chose Christian. I roll over to slide my arm over his waist and pull him closer to me, snuggling into his back and remember how he made love to me the previous night. No more sneaking around or indecision lingering over it.

The ramifications don't hit me all at once, but are scattered throughout the day. Firstly, the idea that my parents may have disowned me for life, and may force my brother to do the same, but this is the most painful so I try not to think about it too much. I also realise that once the general public find out, I may be barred from the mosque.

I asked Christian last night if we could keep the PDA to a minimum last night when we were in bed and he understood thankfully. It's not going to be easy but I think it's best to keep conflict to a minimum. As much as I want to be able to hold his hand in the street, even to kiss him, I can imagine the kind of drama that would happen were one of my parents, or Amira to see.

Haraam.

I'm going against God's will.

My phone beeps. A text from Christian. My heart skips. It's Saturday so no work for either of us but he went to the gym this morning.

Hey Sy just going to see Lucy and tell her about us (I'll make her promise to be the soul of discretion, don't worry). Want me to get pizza and dvd for a movie night in? Xxx

I feel my face melt into a smile. He's so sweet. I text back in agreement, then my heart sinks as I realise there's something else I have to do.

"Hello?"

"Hello Mark? It's Syed."

"Syed. Are you calling to rearrange your therapy session this afternoon?"

"No, I'd like to cancel it. I won't be having any more therapy." My heart lurches as I say it.

"Are you sure, Syed? I feel we have a lot of ground left to cover."

"It was my parents' idea, not mine," I reply. "I no longer feel that I need it. I mean, I don't want it."

"Very well. I hope everything works out for you."

"Thank you," I manage weakly. The line goes dead, and I place the phone on the counter and bury my head in my hands. Just hearing the therapist's voice brings back our sessions in unpleasant detail. I remember my tears of frustration at myself all too well.

Needing to get out, I decide to go for a walk. I could buy Christian something, a present as an apology for having hurt him. I brighten a little at the idea as I walk into a shop, only to bump into my brother, with a group of friends. He spots me, motions to them to go on, and walks over.

"Syed."

"Tamwar," I manage. "How are Mum and Dad?"

"Not good," he says, half apologetically. "Mum's still upset, and Dad doesn't even want to talk about it. He's been praying a lot." There's a beat of silence. "Are you staying with that guy then? Christian?"

I nod. "I didn't have anywhere else to go," I shrug.

He nods along. "Well, look after yourself." He makes to go.

"Tamwar?" He turns back. "I was just wondering...what you thought of me and Christian?"

"I don't know. I guess...it may be haraam. But I want you to be happy," he finishes.

I watch him go, wondering if I've changed our family forever. But when I get back and see Christian, with a bouquet of flowers as an apology gift I know I've made the only choice I could make to have a chance at being happy.

"Are these for me? What's the occasion?" he says, taking them off me with a smile and placing them on the countertop.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry. For all the hurt I've caused you," I tell him, as he places his hands on my hips and pulls me closer to him.

"Well I forgive you. Only cause you're so hot though," he teases, leaning in to kiss me.

At that moment, the door bursts open, and we're both jerked out of the moment to see my mother, father and brother at the door.

"What the...?" Christian's quiet exclamation of incredulity is only heard by me stood right next to him, as my mother speaks my name in desperation.

"Syed?"

"Son?" My father echoes her in tone. "It is not enough that you choose this path, but now you are living in sin too?"

"How did you...?" I say.

"Syed, I'm sorry," my brother pipes up. "I let it slip...I didn't realise they were going to do this!"

"You know this is haraam son," my father says quietly.

"Syed, my son, it's not too late to redeem yourself!" My mother protests, striding into the room. "Please come home. Be a good Muslim."

Her last sentence hits my heart like an arrow, I've tried all my life to be a good Muslim. Christian slips his hand into mine.

"Zainab, he has made his choice. You have to accept that."

"You're not thinking straight, you're just upset," she says to me, ignoring Christian. Something in her tone, trying to justify my behaviour, her constant denial of who I am...makes me snap.

"NO!" I yell, so loud that I feel Christian flinch behind me. "I have had ENOUGH of this! All my life I have been a good Muslim. I even planned to marry Amira, told myself that I loved her too, just to fulfil my duties. And now," – my voice breaks, but I have to go on – "now, I am actually happy, and for that I have to suffer?" I feel the tears coming, and turn away.

"Get out." Christian walks over to them as I try to compose myself. "I will not have you coming here to my house, upsetting the man I love. Get out!"

I am surprised to find they leave without a word as I turn back to Christian. He's walking over to me. "Hey, hey, come here," he says, and he puts his arms around me and hold me tight as I break down into tears.

Christian

I watch Syed as he sleeps on the couch. He's obviously emotionally exhausted. I feel anger welling up inside me as I remember all that happened this afternoon. It's no wonder that Syed constantly denied his feelings for me, even when we used to kiss in secret. He'd been told all his life, in no uncertain terms that it wasn't God's will, it was forbidden. Haraam.

I don't want us to have to deal with this every day, it shouldn't have to be this way. We deserve to be together in peace. Unless...

An idea hits me, and I wake Syed up, anxious for him to hear it.

"Uh...Wha?" He sits up, almond eyes widen as he takes me in. "Did I fall asleep?"

I nod. "Sy, listen, I've had an idea. What if you didn't have to deal with your family hassling you all the time?"

He cracks a smile, surprising me. "Christian," he places a hand on my shoulder, pausing for dramatic effect. "I'm afraid that murder is illegal."

"Oh haha." I roll my eyes. "No, what if...what if we moved away? Together? We could get our own place, start afresh."

Syed is silent, he obviously hadn't thought of it. "Together? You and me?"

"That's what I said, dummy." I smile affectionately at him and place my hand over his.

"I think...that sounds perfect," he said, breaking into a grin. I had to lean in and kiss him at that moment, I couldn't wait any longer.