A/N – Apologies for the longer than expected break over Christmas and New Years, work always kicks my butt during December and January. But, I have finally gotten around to updating. This part ended up being a pretty big chunk so I've split it into two chapters, hence the slightly abrupt ending here, and part two will be up as soon as possible.
Thanks to everyone for reviews and alerts, and of course patience while I had to focus on other non-writing things!
Santana let out a loud curse as she checked the time again, her alarm clock had somehow managed to turn itself off during the night and now she was frantically rushing around her bedroom trying to make herself at least halfway presentable in the ten minutes she had to get ready. She could already feel a headache coming on as she finished the final touches to her make-up and shrugged on her favourite leather jacket over her uniform.
"God fucking damn it!" Santana growled as she tripped over the cord of her hair straighteners and narrowly missed flying into her desk.
Santana took a deep breath as she resisted the urge to simply crawl back into her bed and ignore the first day back at school, she knew she had to go – if only to claim the best seats at the back of every one of her classes but she really, really did not want to have to set foot in McKinley high again. Realising she was going to be late Santana picked up her bag from the foot of her bed and hurried down the stairs. She was lucky that her house was only a short drive from the school and with a little extra pressure on the gas pedal the cheerleader managed to pull into the parking lot right on time.
As she dragged herself out of her car the cheerleader heard her name ring out across the lot, with a quiet groan she turned to see Rachel bouncing over to her.
"Good Morning." The smaller girl beamed, her owl fronted jumper drawing most of Santana's attention.
"Morning." Santana muttered as she swung her backpack over her shoulder and began heading to the front doors.
Rachel smiled as she trotted alongside the other girl, her eyes roaming over the other girls outfit she pointed out, "I see you joined the Cheerios again…"
Santana merely nodded, the truth was she pretty much hated being a cheerleader. Early morning work-outs and late night practices, getting yelled at by Coach Sylvester, watching football and dealing with a bunch of peppy bright eyed overly happy girls was not her thing. She was pretty much the anti-cheerleader really; her angry surly attitude didn't exactly win her many friends on the squad.
"I thought you were done with the Cheerios." Rachel added.
Santana rolled her eyes as she stalked down the hallway, her eyes focused on her locker she mumbled, "It gives me something to do." And it was true, being on the Cheerios gave her a place in the school and she knew what was expected of her but mainly it gave her a place to be after school so she didn't have to find somewhere other than her house to be.
"Okay…" the smaller girl replied, her concern evident but she shook it off, "But anyway there is a glee meeting after class today. First day back and all, I think Mr Schue wants to start looking at set lists after our…distractions last year I think-"
"Woah." Santana stated as she raised a hand to cut her friend off, "Who said I was going back to glee?"
Rachel frowned, her heart sinking as she tried, "You love glee, you said it was the best part of your day remember?"
Shaking her head Santana quickly opened her locker and began swapping books, "I remember but things change Berry."
The diva shook her head, she hadn't thought for a second that Santana would quit the club after everything that had happened, she had already heard that Sam had moved back to Tennessee and that Lauren had supposedly quit to focus on her wrestling but she figured she could rely on Santana, "But you love to sing, I see you on stage when you perform – that hasn't changed has it?"
"No but…" Santana sighed as she slammed her locker shut, "It kind takes away the fun when you're wondering if the others are just waiting to push you off the stage, y'know?"
Rachel bit her lip, she knew the other night had effected Santana more than she was willing to admit but she also knew that glee club was a big reason that the other girl even bothered to show up to school. As she watched her friend walk away she gave it one last shot, "Think about it at least, your voice is too good to waste – it deserves to be heard."
Santana smiled to herself, she knew only Rachel could be that melodramatic in the middle of a hallway so with her back still to the other girl she gave a half-hearted wave over her shoulder. It didn't mean she was definitely going but she had a whole day to think it over.
The whole day turned out to be pretty much an epic waste of time and the only thing Santana could take from it was that she had a least managed to claim the best seat in every class. Something about a Cheerio uniform and a death stare pretty much got her what she wanted regardless of who was standing in her way.
As she ambled down the hallways Santana sighed, she couldn't help but feel she was going backwards with her life. Her senior year was not supposed to be like this, she wanted more than the stupid head cheerleader title and the popularity battles but somehow she had ended up getting herself dragged back into them. Coach Sylvester had already had one of her anti-glee rants at the first Cheerios practice of the year and Santana was sick of it already.
"Santana…Santana, wait…"
The cheerleader groaned as she recognised the voice behind her, without hesitating she continued to walk knowing she had let her body gravitate towards the choir room. The bell had rung for the end of class a few minutes previously and Santana had still not entirely decided whether she was going to go to glee or not but apparently her legs had made the choice for her.
"I'm so glad you decided to come." Rachel beamed as she fell into step with her friend.
Santana grunted, "Yeah well…I love to sing and I'm freaking awesome at it so…"
Rachel grinned, "That's true, actually I was thinking perhaps this year you might like to try some more challenging songs, they say Broadway is where your voice is truly tested…"
"Why do I get the feeling you have the entire sheet music for Wicked in your bag?"
"I have Rent too." Rachel defended as she pouted.
Santana rolled her eyes, a playful smirk on her face she sighed, "Of course you do."
As the two girls approached the choir room Santana slowed her pace, she hadn't seen any of the other members of New Directions since that night at Rachel's. Brittany had been the only one who had even tried to contact her and even then Santana hadn't acknowledged any of the blonde's messages.
"Come on." Rachel urged a supportive smile on her face as she headed towards the door, "It'll be fine."
Santana shook her head, she knew it wouldn't be but she wasn't about to run away again especially since for the first time, she was not the one in the wrong. It was kind of an unusual feeling to step back into the room knowing she was the wronged party but it was even worse knowing that it was unlikely any of the New Directions cared. As she stepped into the room she saw that she was the last to enter, Mr Schue was already present and scrawling things across the white board while the rest of the teenagers were seated together on the risers. She could feel everyone's eyes on her as she edged her way over to a seat at the back, she had gotten pretty used to sitting by herself last year that she didn't think much of it anymore.
She hated the way everyone seemed to glance away from her as she walked past, their conversations dying mid-sentence as they tried, and failed, to act normally. With a shake of her head the cheerleader slumped down in her seat, her eyes glued on the white board as she ignored everyone's discomfort. She could feel Rachel's eyes burning into her from her position next to Mercedes and with a quick glance she caught the other girl mouthing an apology as she eyed up the vacant spot next to the cheerleader.
"Right guys, welcome back to Senior Year!" Mr Schue said, clapping his hands together as he gazed at his students. His face fell a little as he seemed to pick up on the tension, with an internal grimace he wondered if the group would ever be able to go more than a week without some kind of major drama, "Okay…what did I miss this time?"
"It's nothing Mr Schue." Artie piped up, a chorus of agreement backing his statement, "What's on the board?"
Santana felt her eyes widen as she whipped her head around to glare at the other members, she could see Rachel about to say something but the cheerleader beat her to it, "Nothing? So, I'm nothing now?"
Mr Schue frowned as he held up his hands in an attempt to calm what he could already tell was about to be an explosive situation, "I don't think-"
"I knew this was a stupid idea." Santana interrupted as she quickly stood, her chair scrapping against the tiles as she glared at the rest of the group.
"Okay, stop!" Mr Schue shouted as he tried to control the situation, "We've barely even begun the school year; I can't believe you're fighting with each other already. What did you do this time, Santana?" the Spanish teacher sighed with a roll of his eyes.
Santana felt her chest tighten as everyone turned to look at her, the tension in the room was stifling and it was all the cheerleader could do to keep herself from exploding with anger. She didn't understand how Mr Schuster possibly have worked out anything was her fault from what had been said but she wasn't exactly surprised, she knew he didn't like her any more than the rest of the club and he was probably itching for some way to knock her down a peg or two. Santana had always thought that teachers were supposed to remain neutral but having spent two years with one Will Schuster she knew that was a lie.
"She didn't do anything!" Rachel suddenly piped up; her glare directed simultaneously at their teacher and Finn, "Perhaps you would be better off asking the rest of the club what they are guilty off?"
"Don't bother." Santana interjected as she scooped her bag up from the floor and swung it over her shoulder, "I'm leaving."
Mr Schuster frowned but nodded, "That might be for the best, we can talk this over tomorrow."
Stepping down from the risers Santana sneered at the man even as she felt her heart-breaking, she hadn't been lying when she had told Rachel that glee was the best part of her day. She loved performing and more than anything she loved to sing and lose herself in the music but she had to face the fact that it was over, "I'm not coming back, I'm done."
"You can't leave." Artie said his voice panicky "We can't compete without the numbers."
"Fuck that." Santana growled, ignored Mr Schue's glare she continued, "I'm sick of being in a room with people who hate me. The only reason you would ever want me to stay is because you need thirteen people to get through sectionals and even with Plaine Blanderson here you're still down members now the trouty mouth and the endangered white rhino are gone. Well newsflash losers, I'm sick of it. You don't want me here so I'm leaving. I'm sure you'll find someone else to sway in the background and talk crap about behind their back."
"Because you never say anything bad about anyone." Finn stated, his eyes narrowed as he stared at the cheerleader.
Santana scoffed, "I'm brutally honest, I say shit to people that's mean and they don't want to hear. I get that, but you know what I don't do? I don't gather everyone together and make it a group activity to rip someone apart."
"Please, everyone knows you're just a bitch." Finn replied, his jaw clenched angrily as he looked to his fellow glee clubbers for support.
"Because you all know me so freaking well, huh?" Santana growled as she squared off against the group, "We're all just one big happy family, all accepting and shit."
Rachel bit her lip anxiously as she glanced between her friend and the New Directions, she could see Mr Schue standing to one side apparently incapable of stepping in and stopping the argument and the diva wondered, not for the first time, how the hell he was allowed to be in charge of anything.
"This club is-"
"Save it Wheezy." Santana spat as she glared at Mercedes, "The fact is none of you know jack shit about me, you all think I'm nothing more than a bitchy cheerleader so why the hell should I act any differently?"
Tina frowned, her eyebrows knitted together in worry she tried, "We do know you Santana-"
"Right." Santana interrupted, "So, when's my birthday?"
Tina opened her mouth to reply but quickly snapped it shut again, glancing around the room helplessly she saw the rest of the club gazing back with their own blank expressions.
Readjusting her bag on her shoulder Santana tried to appear unfazed, "It's November, the 21st…in case you were wondering."
"No it's not, it can't be." Mercedes replied, "My boy Kurt's is on the 24th, he threw that big Wizard of Oz themed party last year. Finn went as the scarecrow."
Rachel baulked, "I'm sorry, did you just accuse Santana of lying about her own birthday?"
"It's fine Berry, forget it." Santana answered, not giving Mercedes a chance to continue, "I remember that fucking party, I got to hear about you guys planning it for a fucking month and then not only was I the only person not invited, on my birthday the only person who remembered was Britts."
"We went to Breadsticks." The blonde dancer mumbled, her eyes sad as she looked at her friend.
"And you had to leave early because Finnocence decided to do some stupid surprise thing before the party." Santana continued, "It's all you guys could talk about for weeks until Christmas rolled around and I got to watch you all panic over buying each other presents and organising shopping trips."
Rachel felt her mouth go dry, a horrible wave of guilt building in her stomach. She remembered all of it and it was only now that she really thought about how Santana had been over those months. Her bitch quota had definitely gone up, Rachel was pretty sure the other girl hadn't been able to go more than a sentence without insulting someone and that more than once freshman had found themselves crammed into a locker. But Rachel was also realising that Santana had always been the last person to arrive for rehearsal and the first person to leave, she skulked around the outskirts of the group and barely contributed anything more than a couple of runs or a half-hearted dance.
"Santana." Mr Shue said suddenly, making his presence known again, "I'm sorry you feel that way but glee club is a place where everyone is welcome and everyone is accepted-"
The cheerleader let out a bitter chuckled, "You keep telling yourselves that but the truth is I have never been accepted here. Quinn, Britts and Puck all get a second chance but not me. Whatever, I just…I need a break or something…"
"We need all the members we can get Santana." The teacher tried again, his argument only serving to make Rachel cringe, she knew it was the last thing her friends wanted to hear, "This is our last year together to win Nationals."
Santana shrugged as she looked between Mr Schuster and the rest of New Directions, "Maybe I'm sick of just being here to make up the numbers."
With that Santana sighed and not sparing a second glance at the people she had spent the past two years with she left the room. As she listened to the sound of her footsteps echoing down the hallways she wondered if any of the club would even care she was gone, she knew that had any of the others stormed out there would be a barrage of people fighting to be the one to chase after them. Almost every member of New Directions had threatened to quit at least once but Santana hated the fact that she would probably end up being the only person to go through with the threat.
"Santana….Santana, wait!"
The cheerleader paused as she heard Brittany's voice floating behind her, she hadn't spoken to the blonde in days and the thought of confronting her best friend was not a pleasant one.
"Please…San…"
With a reluctant sigh Santana slowly turned around to face the approaching dancer. She could see the worry and guilt radiating from the dancer even before Brittany had come to stop in front of her but Santana could only cross her arms, her own sense of hurt and betrayal outweighing her concern for her friend.
Brittany bit her lip as she fiddled nervously with her hands, "Where are you going?"
"I don't know, anywhere but here."
"I've been calling you and texting." The blonde tried, her gazed focused on Santana who refused to meet her eye, "I would have left you a facebook message but Lord Tubbington won't teach me how to turn on my computer."
Normally Santana would have smiled at the mention of her friends infamous cat but today it only served to irritate her more, "Yeah well…I've been ignoring you, can you really blame me?"
Brittany sighed as she shook her head, "No. I-I'm really sorry San."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Santana asked, her voice dropping as she finally looked to her best friend, "They were all talking trash about me and you didn't say anything to stop them."
"I'm sorry." Brittany tried again.
"I know that but maybe…maybe that's not good enough Britts." The brunette stated, "I know people talk shit about me but the worst part of the other night was the fact you were silent. I needed you and you weren't there."
"San-"
"I always defend you Brittany, always, and not because I have to but because I want to. Ever since we met I've protected you because…you're you and I love you." Santana explained, her heart clenching in her chest as she whispered, "I always thought you would do the same for me, I thought I mattered to you."
Brittany froze, tears forming as she gazed at the smaller girl, "You're my best friend San, of course you matter – I love you, you know that."
Santana choked back her tears as she looked up at the blonde, "Yeah I know but…I'm starting to think that maybe it's not in the same way that I love you."
The blonde frowned, she tried to say something but she couldn't form the words instead she shook her head as tears began to build.
"I've spent all these years supporting you, I helped you study and I made damn sure that no-one in this whole school would even think of slushing you. I went after anyone who made you feel even the tiniest bit upset because that's what best friends do." Santana continued her eyebrows knitted together as she took a step back, "And I don't regret a second of it, I do it all again if I had to but I…"
"You what?" Brittany whispered, her head bowed as she bit her lip.
"I needed you to support me too." Santana exhaled, "I just, I hate feeling like…like I love you more than you love me."
Brittany shook her head as she snapped her eyes up to stare at her friend, "What? No, that's not true-"
"Except that it is." Santana argued sadly, "I know that you love me Britts, I do but all I could think about this summer while I was in Puerto Rico without you, was that you were here and so was Artie. I was terrified that I'd get home and you two would be back together again, or you would have met someone else."
"I already told you, there is nothing between Artie and me anymore."
Santana nodded grimly, her throat tightening as she choked, "Yeah but I still had to wait for you to break up with him, I still have to accept that I'm your second choice. You loved him more."
"No-"
"Admit it Britts, if he hadn't called you stupid you would still be with him." The brunette mumbled sadly, one hand wiping away a tear that had refused to be held back.
Brittany was silent, she wanted to disagree but she couldn't find the words.
"The fact is, if things were the other way around – I would have dumped anyone in a heartbeat to be with you." Santana admitted her heart heavy as she added, "I know it took me a long time to be able to tell you that it was you I wanted. I know I did, and said, some stupid stuff to you but when it came down to it…you didn't choose me."
"But I told you, I couldn't hurt Artie like that."
"Because you loved him more." Santana concluded, "You picked him and I had to wait and…it was my fault I guess, I pushed you away and it would have been selfish of me to think you'd break up with him for me but I really, really thought you would."
"I'm sorry." Brittany replied, her cheeks shining with tears as she tried to reach out a comforting hand.
"Me too." Santana said as she stepped away, she could feel her emotions building and she knew if she didn't leave now then things were doing to get messy "I-I gotta go Britts."
Brittany shook her head, "No, please…"
"I'll see you around." Santana murmured as she turned on her heel and quickly sped off down the hallway and tried not to break into a run.
As Santana pushed through the double doors and into the cool afternoon air she was more than happy to find Brittany hadn't decided to pursue her anymore. Taking a deep breath the cheerleader clutched the straps of her rucksack as she headed to her car; she was so focused on simply putting one foot in front of the other and not breaking down that she didn't see the figure leaning against the hood of her mustang.
Muttering to herself in Spanish the cheerleader was shaken from her thoughts as she heard a familiar voice.
"Are you okay?"
Santana snapped her gaze up from her feet to look at Rachel, "What are you doing out here?"
"Well, I didn't exactly feel like staying in the choir room with everyone else after everything that was said, so I came to find you." Rachel explained as she slid away from the car and cautiously approached her friend, "But you were talking to Brittany so I decided it would be best for me to wait here."
"You heard me and Britts?" Santana asked, crossing her arms defensively at the thought of anyone knowing her best friend had rejected her.
Rachel shook her head, "No, I saw you and I figured you would want your privacy so I took the long way around and I got you this." Reaching into her pocket the diva pulled out a slightly crumbled snickers bar, "Chocolate makes everything better, so I'm told. I've never found a vegan substitute close enough."
"That's my favourite." Santana said, eyeing up the candy bar.
"I know, you brought like….a case with you on the flight to Nationals." Rachel giggled as she handed over the chocolate.
"Thanks." Santana said as she unwrapped it and took a huge bite, a small smile appearing before she sighed and mumbled, "Today sucks."
Rachel nodded, "I know which is why I was hoping that you might be willing to offer me a ride home?"
"Being your chauffeur is supposed to brighten this crappy day?" Santana complained as she finished off her candy and pulled her car keys from her pocket.
The singer shook her head as she rounded the car and pulled open the passenger door, "No but I figure if we are going to do something fun then maybe it would be best to change first, I know you and the rest of the Cheerios have to wear those uniforms everywhere but I think the carnival would be much more fun in your…ah, civilian clothes."
Santana raised an eyebrow as she tossed her bag into the back and hopped into the driver's seat, "Carnival?"
"Carnival." Rachel stated firmly as she gestured for Santana to start driving, "There is nothing more fun especially after today. Plus you have some spare clothes at my house, even if you have yet to use the guest room…"
Santana nodded as she pulled the car out of the parking lot, she had moved a few things over to the Berry household the day she had been offered the room but she had yet to actually stay there. She knew the diva was worried about her and that it was going to get harder to avoiding staying with the family but she simply wasn't comfortable intruding on them.
It didn't take long for the two girls to get back to the Berry house, change and jump back into the car. Santana was glad Rachel's Dads were still at work and she had been able to avoid them but she had still managed to get ready even quicker than normal. She figured she could pass her speed off as enthusiasm if Rachel asked but luckily the diva was too caught up in her excitement to notice anything strange.
"Ready?" Rachel beamed as she clipped her seat beat in.
"Bring it on."
