A/N – This took me a lot longer than intended, my writer's block has been so bad lately. But I am really happy with how this turned out. I prefer to take longer to update and produce something that is good than churn out something I'm not happy with, hopefully you guys agree!

Santana had pretty much mastered the art of poker face. It had come in useful numerous times in her life, particularly in high school, and as she stared off into space she had never been more grateful for it. It allowed her the freedom to appear as though she was paying attention to the teacher droning away at the front of the classroom when in fact her mind was preoccupied with way more important things.

"Miss Lopez, are you paying attention?"

Jerking in her seat Santana whipped her head up to stare blankly at the teacher who was now stood with his hands on his hips glaring down at her from the front of the classroom. Maybe there were still some improvements to be made.

"Since you are clearly so fascinated with my lesson, perhaps you could enlighten the rest of us with the answer?"

Santana smiled hesitantly as her eyes flicked over to the whiteboard. She knew her expression probably resembled that of a deer in headlights but seeing the writing she relaxed. Math, she was in math class, "X over 4 divided by 2."

Scowling Mr Peterson nodded and although Santana could see the older man wanted to say something else, no doubt a jib about her cheating or making a lucky guess, he managed to keep it to himself as he turned back to the class to continue droning on. With a relieved sigh Santana allowed her chin to drop back onto her palm as she leant on her desk, her pen hovering over her notepad to give the illusion of studying. It wasn't as though Santana hated Math, far from it, it was actually one of her favourite subjects, the problem was that she had way too many other things to think about than algebra and stupid x's and y's.

Biting on her already well chewed pen Santana let her mind drift again, so far she had been able to preoccupy her thoughts with those of Rachel. She had spent first period grinning like an idiot as she remembered waking up next to the diva, second period had been spent replaying the previous evening complete with slow motion kiss while third period was mostly Santana fidgeting in her seat as she counted down to lunch. Of course lunch had been a pleasant break from her thoughts as she and Rachel snuck away to the auditorium for some much needed affection while avoiding the rest of the student body and then fourth and fifth period had been spend replaying the events of lunch.

Sixth period however had proved to be her undoing. She should have known that her happy thoughts would not be enough to keep away the ever encroaching thoughts of her family. Lifting her gaze to check the clock on the wall Santana felt her stomach clench uncomfortably, she swore that time was somehow moving faster now, as through it knew how much she was dreading returning to the hospital. It wasn't that she didn't want to see her Mother, she did but for some reason the only thing she could think about was that one or both of her parents were going to send her away. Again. Just as her thoughts were beginning to slide into dangerous territory the bell rang, crisp and clear as it signalled the end of the school day she had been dreading.

As the rest of the students around her quickly and overly enthusiastically crammed their things together and fled the room Santana slowly stood and carefully packed away her belongings. She knew if she wanted to make visiting hours she needed to hurry but her feet seemed unwilling to co-operate as she trudged out of the room, through the hallway and towards her locker to retrieve her change of clothes. By the time she was done changing and unnecessarily redoing her hair and make-up the school was pretty much empty, which was more than okay with Santana. She had spent a lot of her day dodging and weaving Mr Schue and Miss Pillsbury, the thought of having to talk to either of them about the previous day's events was too much to handle right now. It did seem as though, outside of the choir, the news had not spread to the rest of the school which was at least one positive.

Ambling out of the school and down the front steps Santana paused, her heart sinking as a familiar face weaved its way in front of her. She knew that Rachel was waiting for her, the diva had insisted on being the one to drive to the hospital and with a quick check of her watch Santana confirmed her tardiness. She definitely did not have time for this crap.

"Santana." Blaine stated as he came to a halt in front of the cheerleader, "I almost didn't recognise you out of your uniform."

"I knew I should have worn a hat." Santana muttered with a shake of her head.

Blaine frowned, his eyes searching her face unable to tell if she was serious or not, "Right. Listen, I just…I wanted to say that I'm sorry for what happened with your Mom. I know it must be tough for you but I wanted, we all wanted you to know that we're here for you."

Santana blinked, accustom as she was to dealing with a constant level of anger she was unprepared for the blinding rage she felt swelling up, "Are you fucking kidding me?" she spat, her shoulders tense as she took a step forward, one hand outstretched as she jabbed a finger into the boys chest, "We are not friends Blanderson. You don't even know me, so you do not get to come to me with your little pity speech and act like you or any of those people in that club give a damn about me."

"That's not-"

"It's exactly what it is." Santana growled.

Blaine shook his head as he stumbled back under the glare of the cheerleader, "We're worried about you."

Santana scoffed as she made a show of looking around the deserted parking lot, one side of her mouth curling into a sneer she snapped, "It really looks like it, I can't believe you managed to rally everyone together for me. Thanks."

"They wanted to be here we just thought it would be a little overwhelming if-"

"Bullshit." Santana muttered her voice dripping with distain as she continued, "Let me guess, they sent you – or because you're new to this and stupid – you volunteered, to be the one to find me and pay lip service to how fucking sorry you all are that I'm having issues." The cheerleader paused here, one eyebrow raised as she made sure Blaine was paying attention, "Let's get this clear, you and the rest of that club can't just suddenly decide that you want to be my friends because you find out my Mom is in the hospital and that my life is shit."

"I-We…"

Santana shook her head as she raised a hand for Blaine to be quiet, "No. You think you can swing in here, offering up a few condolences and that that's going to make everything okay so what, we can all suddenly play nice?" Santana spat her hands falling to rest on her hips as she added, "Well I've got news for you, you don't get to be the good guys in this. You don't get to spout off some meaningless crap so you can feel good about yourselves, like you're a good bunch of boys and girls 'supporting' me in my hour of need."

Blaine blinked as he looked down at the ground and stuffed his hands inside his pockets.

"I'm surprised you didn't come here and break out into some lame ass song, it would be just like that fucking club to think everything can be solved with a stupid song."

The younger boy frowned at this, his eyes darting up nervously to meet Santana's he did his best to stop his voice from wavering, "We do care about you."

"You never did before, why start now?" Santana asked calmly.

"Because you need friends."

Not missing a beat Santana retorted, "And I didn't before?" It didn't exactly make her feel better to watch the guilt spread across the boy's features and as she pushed her way past the now quiet boy Santana bit her lip, unloading on Blaine hadn't actually been part of her plan when she had spotted him but he was there to represent a group of people that she needed to understand how she felt and if she had to hurt his feelings to be heard, then so be it.

Moving swiftly through the parking lot Santana spotted Rachel leaning against her car, she sighed as she saw the way Rachel was nervously swinging her keys around her finger and tapping her foot against the wheel of the car. Santana didn't even glance at her watch as she hurried up to the other girl; casting her an apologetic look the cheerleader managed a tight smile, "Sorry I…"

"Was thinking of bailing?" Rachel supplied carefully as she reached out a take Santana's bag and toss it gently in the backseat.

Santana nodded as she rounded the car and opened the passenger door, "Well yeah and…I ran into Blaine."

"Blaine?" Rachel queried as she watched Santana duck into her car, "What did he want?"

Santana shrugged as she buckled her seatbelt and waited for Rachel to do the same, "He wanted to let me know that everyone is very sorry that blah fucking blah…"

Flicking the ignition Rachel gave a short nod as she eased the car out of the parking lot, she had to admit that she had been curious as to how the rest of the New Directions were dealing with the sudden revelations of the day before, "Is was just Blaine?"

"Yeah." Santana sighed, her hands fiddling nervously in her lap, "It doesn't…I don't understand it, I don't even know him, at all, yet he's the one that tells me they're all sorry? What the hell is that about?"

The singer shrugged as she slowed the car to a stop and waited patiently at the junction for the traffic to ease, the roads were relatively clear and Rachel was glad that she didn't have to contend with the normal post-school drivers honking and cutting each other up since her mind was not as focused on the road as she would normally have like it to be, "Blaine is a good guy and I don't know, maybe he thought it would be better if it was him. I mean, would you really have preferred to speak to Artie or Finn?"

"I would have preferred it if they didn't treat me like a charity case." Santana snapped, "I don't need their pity."

Letting out a small sigh Rachel cast a sideways glance in the other girl's direction and wasn't surprised to see that even though the cheerleaders words had been laced with her normal venom, the girl herself had allowed her body to crumple dejectedly against the window as she stared at the passing houses. Reaching out a hand Rachel carefully untangled one of Santana's and linked their fingers together, "What about Brittany and Quinn?" the singer tried, eager to steer the conversation in a different direction, "Have you heard from either of them today?"

Santana shifted slightly as she let herself turn to face the other girl, her eyes lingering on the way their hands were clasped together, "Quinn text me this morning. She didn't really say much but she did say I could call her if I needed anything or if I wanted to talk. It's kind of awkward between us still but she's trying so that's something I guess."

"And Brittany?"

"She called me this morning between classes. She's always been pretty good at reading me and I think she knew I really didn't want to see anyone today." Santana replied a small smile creeping across her features, "Except you of course."

Rachel blushed, her hair slipping from behind her ear to shield her face as she smiled, "I'm glad you agreed to let me come with you."

"I couldn't do it without you." Santana admitted, her voice cracking as the hospital came into view, its imposing size once again making her breath catch in her throat as she fought to maintain her composure at the thought of what was waiting for her.

Rachel smiled softly as she replied "Yes you could, you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for Santana." Giving the other girls hand a reassuring squeeze she reluctantly let go and pulled the car into a nearby space, "Although I should add there is not a chance in hell I'm letting you do this by yourself."

Santana chuckled at the resolute expression on the other girls face and drawing confidence from the knowledge that she wasn't alone she nodded, "Then let's do this."

Feeling a little more confident Santana got out of the car and straightened her jacket, she knew Rachel would pick up on the nervous mannerism and moving round the car she waited for the diva to put her keys away before reaching out to take her hand. She didn't exactly know when holding the other girls hand became almost second nature, but the calm feeling she got every time she felt the smaller girl's hand in her own was like nothing she had felt before.

Making their way through the hospital Santana couldn't help but glance around in the hope of spotting her father, she knew he worked primarily in the hospital's emergency department but as she stepped out of the elevator and into the psychiatric ward she still half expected to see him waiting for her. He wasn't of course and nearing the reception desk Santana vaguely recognised the woman as the same one from the day before, casting a quick glance at her name badge she said "Hi, I'm here to see Marianna Lopez."

The receptionist, Jen, looked up and smiled, "You must be Santana."

Santana frowned, the day before might have been a blur but she was pretty sure she hadn't ever spoken to this woman let alone exchanged names. She did recalled Rachel talking to someone at the main reception but this was definitely not the same person or even the same desk.

"I used to work down in the emergency room with your father before I was transferred up here." Jen explained seeing the younger girl's confusion, "I recognised you from the pictures."

"Pictures?" Santana asked sceptically.

"He's always showing them off." Jen explained, her smile dropping a little at the disbelieving look being cast her way. Fidgeting in her seat Jen turned to the computer, "Your Mother is in room 7A, it's down the hall on the left. Do you want me to show you?"

Santana shook her head, still trying to get her head around the fact her Dad was apparently showing off photographs of her to his colleagues, "I'll be fine, thanks."

"Let me know if there's anything you need." Jen added, her eyes trained on Santana and Rachel as they headed away from the desk.

Santana slowly made her way down the hallway, comforted only by the feeling of Rachel moving next to her she struggled to keep herself calm. The ward itself was relatively quiet but that only served to put the cheerleader more on edge and as she came to a stop outside the door labelled 7A she took a deep breath. She could see her Mom through the small window, the regulation blinds restricting her view a little she paused and turned to Rachel, "Will you wait out here for me?"

The smaller girl nodded and unsure of how comfortable Santana would be with public displays of affection she leant forward slightly and drew the cheerleader into a quick hug, "You'll be fine and I'm right out here if you need me okay?"

"Okay." Santana replied shakily as she pulled back, her lips grazing Rachel's cheek in a chaste kiss, "Thank you."

Letting go of Rachel she edged her way closer to the door, it had been left open for what Santana could only imagine was hospital policy so lingering in the doorway she reached out to knock. The second her Mom's eyes met hers Santana felt her whole body freeze, far from the blank and lifeless expression she was both expecting and dreading she was instead met with red-rimmed eyes that instantly filled with tears.

"Ana?" the older woman whispered, her quiet and broken voice echoing across the room.

Santana's heart pounded in her chest, she hadn't heard her Mom refer to her as Ana in what felt like a lifetime and hearing it now was surreal. She stepped forward cautiously, the sound of her sneakers scuffing across the tiles filling the room as she approached the chair her Mom was sitting in.

The room was like many other hospital rooms, a small bed taking up most of the space in the middle and two chairs positioned by the window overlooking the road outside. Santana hesitated as she eyed the seat next to her Mother, she felt so awkward hovering in the middle of the room but she didn't know what to do. She could still feel the anger coursing through her veins but all she wanted to do was fall into her mother's arms and then she wondered if that would be right, shouldn't she be comforting her Mom not the other way around?

"Mom…" Santana tried her voice choking as her Mother raised herself out of the chair, "Mom..."

Marianna shuffled forward quickly as she saw her daughter's body begin to crumble, she managed to reach her in time and scooping the girl's tiny frame against her body Marianna felt Santana's arms wrap tightly around her.

"Mami." Santana sobbed as she clung to the woman, her nose buried against her chest she inhaled the familiar scent of her mother's embrace. The sweet smell of cherries and vanilla that reminded her of what she had almost forgotten. The times back before everything had gone so horribly wrong, before the accident and Yara's death, before they stopped avoiding each other and drifted so far apart.

"I'm sorry Santana." Marianna whispered, her hand gently combing through her daughter's hair as she held her close, "I'm so sorry."

Santana only clung on tighter as her mother carefully sank back down into the chair and brought her to sit in her lap, she didn't care that she was probably too old to be held like a child or that her tears were steadily soaking into her Mom's top, she never wanted to let go and judging from the strong grip her Mother had on her the feeling was mutual.

Santana wasn't sure how long they sat like that, each of them clinging to the other as though they were about to disappear. It was only the sound of her Mother's whispered apologies and reassurances that eventually lulled Santana into a calmer state, her tears slowing as she pulled back slightly and raised a hand to wipe the last of the wetness from her cheeks. Santana sighed gently as she felt her Mom reach out and brush her hair away from her face, it was a small gesture but it brought a big smile to the cheerleaders face as she closed her eyes and leant into the maternal touch. They stayed that way for a moment before Santana shifted slightly, her eyes opening once again she knew there was still a world of things left of unsaid.

Marianna smiled softly as she read her daughter's expression, "We have a lot to talk about."

She didn't want to talk much less move, she wanted to stay huddled up in the protective arms of her Mother and pretend that everything was okay but reluctantly Santana nodded. Her eyes darting around the room she spotted a jug of water sitting on the bedside table and sliding out of her Mom's arms she padded across the room and grabbing the jug she poured two glasses, she figured they could both use a drink and a momentary distraction. Handing one glass over to her Mother she took a seat in the chair next to the older woman, her smile brightening when she felt her Mom reach over to take her hand.

They were both quiet for a moment, each clearly waiting for the other to start and it wasn't long before Santana began, her quiet voice barely carrying across the room. She had so many questions flying through her brain but she couldn't help the one that came shooting from her mouth, blunt and to the point as always, "Do you wish you were dead?"

Marianna bowed her head for a moment, the intense look on Santana's face almost too much to take. She wanted to be honest with her daughter but she didn't know if the young girl was ready to hear it, taking a deep breath she exhaled loudly, "I wish I could tell you that I don't but… I don't know."

Santana frowned, the question slipping from her lips before she could stop it, "Why the front room?"

"What?" Marianna asked as she looked up in confusion.

"It's…." Santana paused as she tried to gather her thoughts, "My friend, Rachel, she thinks that you wanted to be saved or at least a part of you did. I thought maybe that's why you…why you weren't in the bathroom or…" Santana sighed as she shook her head, she had never been the best person when it came to expressing herself but right now she had never felt more frustrated with herself, as the frustration began to build she could feel it starting to twist into a more familiar anger. Slamming her glass down on the table next to her chair Santana curled her hands into fists as she tried to contain herself. She had so much she wanted to say but she didn't know how to without upsetting her Mom, the last thing she wanted to do was make things worse, "Fuck."

Marianna took a deep breath, and catching her daughters eye she pursed her lips, "It's okay, you need to say it Santana. You can tell me."

"You tried to kill yourself." Santana shouted suddenly, angry tears burning her eyes as she looked at her Mom, "I need you and you don't even want to be here, you would rather be dead than be here with me. I am your daughter; I don't understand what I'm supposed to do without you."

"I-I haven't been there for you for a long time Santana." Marianna admitting, her voice wavering as she moved closer to her daughter.

Santana sniffed back her tears, "But you were still alive, you weren't…" She paused, the back of her hand rubbing furiously at the wetness rolling down her cheeks as she whispered, "I don't want you to die. I already lost Yara, I can't-I can't…"

Marianna closed her eyes, unable to deal with the sight of her little girl breaking down in front of her she raked a hand through her hair and willed herself to have the strength to carry on.

"I'm sorry." Santana whispered through her tears, "I'm sorry that she died, I'm sorry that…If I could go back and change things I would, it shouldn't have been her. She shouldn't have died."

Snapping her eyes open Marianna stared at her daughter, the words echoing around her head as she heard the message between the words. Moving swiftly from her seat the woman knelt on the floor in front of her daughter, her hands wrapping tightly around Santana's she clasped them together almost in prayer, "Ana, look at me."

Raising her head Santana struggled to meet her mother's gaze.

"Yara died before her time and I have spent years wishing I could change it because she should still be here with us." Marianna stressed, her heart breaking in her chest at the thought of her youngest daughter doubting her own existence, "But I thank God every day that you survived."

"You can barely even look at me." Santana choked.

Marianna made no attempt to hide her tears as she whispered, "Most days I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I…Every day is a struggle, getting out of bed takes everything I have and then I spend the whole day wishing I hadn't bothered. I stopped caring, I let it all go but I...I never meant to hurt you Ana." Marianna pleaded, "You have to believe me, you're my baby and I love you but I-I don't how to deal with everything."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Santana asked, "I could have helped."

"You were so little when it happened; you're still my little girl. You're not supposed to be the one to deal with things like this."

Santana shook her head, she wanted to ask about her father and why he had let his own wife slip so far but deep down she already knew the answer. He was suffering so much that he couldn't help himself let alone anyone else and the thought of both of her parents spiralling so hard was unbearable. As she let the sobs wrack her body Santana felt her Mother's arms wrap around her shoulders and as she fell back into her Mom's embrace she made no attempt to hold back her tears, "I just want things to be okay again." Santana mumbled the childishness of her statement overridden by the sheer want behind it.

"Me too." Marianna whispered, her eyes drifting shut as she held her trembling daughter, "I promise you that I'm going to try so, so hard to make things right."

Santana simply nodded as she clung tightly to her Mom, her mind was racing with a thousand different questions, worries and scenarios that she couldn't even begin to deal with. She didn't know where her Father was supposed to fit in to all of this; she didn't even know how long her Mom would have to stay in the hospital or what the doctors had to say. She had no clue how she was going to face the inevitability of coming out to her parents or how and when she was going to be able to introduce Rachel to her family as her girlfriend.

The only thing Santana did know was that for the first time in a long time, even with the terrified worries circling her brain, she felt like there was a chance that things might finally be okay again and that tiny shred of hope was all she needed.