Sorry for the delay! I hit a little bit of a writer's block (that and the World Cup), but I'm back intend to be more regular with my updates. Enjoy and please review!
Kaidan stared blankly at the ceiling in his bedroom. He couldn't sleep; he had too much on his mind. He had only told Kira that they were going to visit her grandparents, she seemed excited at the prospect and didn't fret over the monotonous attitude her father brought home with him from work. But his thoughts weren't as much about Kira as they were about her mother.
Anderson couldn't be serious, 'Shepard, alive? How could he even fathom the idea?' Kaidan's thoughts had said this many times already as he lay awake.
But the idea was creeping further into Kaidan's mind, it was part the reason he couldn't sleep; every time he shut his eyes he could see Marie standing off in the darkness. He hadn't had that happen since Kira came to live with him, he had truly begun to move on, but now, everything was spiraling out of control and throwing him back into a place he had fought so hard and long to get out of.
Kaidan realized he wouldn't be able to sleep, or rather he did not wish to; but it was beyond his control when his thoughts lulled him into a dream…or more of a memory, either way, he would welcome the visions now and lament them in the morning.
-3 years ago, SSV Normandy-
The doors hissed as Kaidan walked into Shepard's quarters. She was sitting at the edge of her bed, she appeared to be lost in her thoughts.
"Commander?" Kaidan startled her; Something's up, it's not like her to be caught off guard.
"Kaidan," she looked somewhat relieved that it was him who caught her distracted, "you've got something to report?"
"Yes ma'am; we're still not picking up much activity in this sector but we've received orders to remain in the system for at least another day or two. Alchera is the only planet solid and stable enough to possibly have a stronghold or base in this sector; so I thought maybe we could do a Mako-drop. Maybe by turning up nothing it would help convince the higher-ups to let us move on sooner." Kaidan told her.
Shepard nodded in response but still seemed distance. Kaidan glanced at the door out of instinct, but knew that no one would barge in. He approached her and sat down beside her.
"Something bothering you?" he asked.
"Am I that transparent?" she responded dryly.
"Not usually, no. So what's happening that has you so distracted? Everything is ok back at Shoal, right?" Kaidan inquired as to if "goddaughter" had anything to do with Marie's thoughts.
She shook her head and smiled, "No, it's not that, Kira is fine…well last I heard but my parents would let me know if it were otherwise." Marie turned to view to the floor again.
Kaidan reached out to brush cheek, causing her to look at him directly, "What's going on Marie?" She placed her hand over his and let a wry chuckle.
"It's nothing, just letting my mind wander…it's not like there is much else to do." She gave Kaidan a reassuring smile. "So did you want to check out Alchera?" Shepard asked.
Kaidan sighed laid back on the bed, resting his head on his hands and spoke, "There's nothing on Alchera; rocks, ice, maybe a few harmless species, but all in all it's nothing. I was just proposing something to end this cabin fever."
Shepard laid next to him and placed her chin in her hand, "I guess there's no harm in that." she shrugged.
"You could practice your lift." Kaidan said dryly, knowing his comment would evoke a response. He heard her scoff and his view of the ceiling was replaced with Shepard looking down at him.
"There is nothing wrong with my lift." Marie said confidently. Kaidan chuckled, "If the crates in storage could talk they'd say otherwise."
She opened her mouth to retort but Kaidan spoke first, "I'm hungry. Ya' figure we should eat before we head out?" he said walking toward the doors.
Shepard smiled and shook her head, You win this round. "Sure Lieutenant, just let me put my hair up."
-Present Day, Kaidan's apartment-
An alarm was going off, The ship alarm? Kaidan thought, but it wasn't the Normandy, it was his alarm clock. He sighed and reached to turn it off. The noise was amplified and the synthetic light creeping through curtains almost seemed blinding; he had awoken with a migraine.
Kaidan quickly reached for the painkillers he kept in the nightstand and took one. He leaned back against his pillows and placed his forearm over his eyes. I don't have to leave for Shoal until tomorrow, I'll just Kira that today is a pajama day, he thought to himself.
Pajama Day was code for 'Papa's not feeling well, so let's lay in bed all day'. Oddly enough, Kira seemed to enjoy those days. Most children look for an energy outlet when stuck at home all day, but Kira was content snuggle with her father as he slept and she watched her favorite vids on the extranet. She often told Kaidan that Ms. Leroy only has "boring" vids.
"Papa" a small voice came from next to the nightstand. "Does your head hurt?" She must've noticed the pill bottle was out. He removed his arm from his face to look at her.
Her blues eyes were brimming with an unconditional concern, "Yeah, we're just stick home today little lady." He told her.
"Okay." She nodded and crawled into bed next to him. "Don't you want to watch your movies?" he asked, noticing she did not mention it.
"No Papa, I'm sleepy still." She responded and wrapped her little arms around his left arm, snuggling against him.
Kaidan smiled at his daughter; he knew this would be last time they would do this for some time starting tomorrow.
Next morning came; the shuttle ride to the transit station was uneventful, but now, sitting on the transport ship to Shoal Station, Kaidan had to tell his daughter of why they were really going to her grandparents.
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked down at Kira. She was presently enamored with the view outside the window, Talking with a three year old shouldn't be so hard, Kaidan thought to himself. He sighed heavily and began to speak:
"Hey little lady, I need to talk to you." She whipped her head around and looked up at him, a bright smile played on her face, "Okay Papa."
"I got an order the other day; I have to go on a mission. Do you remember how we talked about that when you came to live with me?" Kaidan watched her face for a reaction.
Kira nodded slowly, she remembered the talk her father had with her, "You have to go away." It was a statement; she understood perfectly what was happening.
Kaidan smiled sadly at her, "I'm sorry sweetheart." He leaned down to hug her.
Kira welcomed the hug and looked to her father. She smiled and spoke, "Miss Leroy said that when you go missions, you go help people."
Kaidan knew that wasn't always the case, it was more to defend and to protect, Only then do you help people; never jeopardize the mission. But Kaidan reminded himself that Kira didn't need to know that.
"If you go help people, then its okay Papa, b'cause that makes you good." She said before turning her attention to the window again.
Kaidan couldn't think of anything to say; Kira hadn't broken out into tears, she hadn't thrown a tantrum; she just accepted and even rationalized what he told her. He thought again, Talking to a three year old shouldn't be so hard.
-/-
Kaidan was kneeling in the front room of the Shepard's apartment, looking into his daughter's eyes. "Alright now little lady, I have to go now. I want you to promise me you'll be good."
Kira smiled, "I will Papa," she hugged him. Kaidan returned the hug and picked her up. He sighed and kissed her forehead, "I love you Kira, and you know that, right?" she nodded.
"I love you too Papa." she responded.
Kaidan set her down and kissed her forehead one last time before she smiled and ran off down the hallway to her room.
Once Kaidan was sure Kira was out listening distance he activated his omni-tool and turned to Tim, "This is several recordings of myself." he said.
"What are they for?" Tim asked as he received the recordings on his omni-tool.
"I'm not allowed to have any outside contact; I report to the brass and they contact me, that's it." Kaidan told him. "So I made these recordings. It's just me saying hello and telling Kira that I miss her but um" he sighed, "I couldn't just leave and try to explain to her that I can't even send her messages, you know?"
Tim nodded, "I understand." Kaidan reached to shake his hand, "Thanks again Tim."
Tim let out a wry chuckle, "I wouldn't be doing my job as her grandfather otherwise." He took Kaidan's hand with a reassuring gesture.
Kaidan headed to leave when Tim spoke up, "Kaidan?"
He turned to face Tim as he began to talk, "I'm retired, but I still hear things…and right now I'm hearing things about my daughter. You care to shed any light on that?" he asked.
Kaidan moved to leave again but not before giving Tim his answer, "She's gone Tim."
And with that statement, he left.
-A month later-
Kaidan wasn't the kind of soldier to pull rank or brag about his exploits, but he had begun to contemplate whether or not it would be beneficial to his sanity if he told the colonists, whom he had been living beside these past weeks, that not only was he part of the team the saved Eden Prime, but he was involved in liberating the Feros colony from a mind-controlling ancient plant, and of course there was Terra Nova, but somehow he felt that even that would be held in contempt. Something along the lines of "So now Colonists can fend for themselves? Is that it?" Kaidan imagined what would be said.
"So Alliance boy, let me get this straight: the towers you came to set up are installed…but they're not functional?" a colonist pointed out snidely.
Kaidan was getting a migraine and it wasn't related to his implant, "As I have said before, the colony wasn't designed with GARDIAN turrets in mind. It will take some time for them to be functional, another week at the most, but once they're in sync with the new grids it shouldn't take long for them to be fully operational." He explained.
Delan snorted, "So even if they're functional we can't use them?"
Kaidan began to retort when another colonist cut in, "Like the commander said, they have to be in sync with the new power grids. Or we could just use the current grid if you'd like Delan. All we have to do is reroute the colony's power, but that would put a dent in any other operations on the colony." she said.
"All right Lilith, I get it. Still think this is a waste of…" Delan grumbled out of Kaidan's office/living unit.
"Thank you Lilith." Kaidan said as leaned back in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Are you getting a migraine Commander?" she asked, he could just pick the genuine concern in her voice.
Lilith was one of the few colonists who was welcoming and friendly to Kaidan on Horizon. It was probably why she was selected as one of the lead techs to assist him in setting up the GARDIAN towers. She was helpful, patient, and good listener; anything he said she seemed to take under great consideration.
Kaidan had begun suspect she was attracted to him; it was something he was ashamed to say he exploited. He enjoyed her company but while he didn't return the attraction he knew if he ever needed someone to just simply talk or vent too, she would happily be there; she had become a friend. Perhaps that was another reason Delan disliked him.
Delan on the other hand was one of a larger group of colonist whom had open contempt for the Alliance and anyone associated with them. Kaidan had been tempted to let his control slip away quite a few times with Delan, as Delan seemed to be constantly provoking him. Kaidan was forced to play nice as Delan was the head tech on the colony, anything Kaidan did; Delan was there to "help" him.
"Commander?" Lilith called him out of his thoughts; he looked to see her now sitting across from him.
He chuckled and looked at her, "I'm fine; the cause my headache wasn't my implant, so it will end much quicker."
She smiled, "I'm sorry Delan is like that to you. I'm also sorry that he's gotten some of the other techs to treat you like that too." her smile faded.
"It's not your fault," he told her, "besides, I've dealt with much worse."
A small beep came from the clock on his bed stand. It was 2 o'clock in the afternoon on Horizon but that beep meant it was 8 o'clock at night on Shoal Station. It was purely sentimental, but it was reminder of when Kira was going to bed. He wasn't able to contact her because of the mission; so this little reminder was his way of at least knowing something about what she was doing.
It was a small comfort; but one that he needed.
-Cerberus Station-
"Shepard! You've got to get up! Shepard!" a voice was calling out to her.
Everything was loud and bright; sirens blaring all around her, an explosion shook her. She moved to sit and pain racked her body.
"Shepard, your scars aren't healed but you got to move!" the voice called to her again.
Her surroundings came into focus; It's some kind of med-bay, a facility, another explosion shook her.
"Shepard, there's a pistol and armor in the locker!" the voice was becoming impatient.
Where Marie Shepard was she didn't know, but it was under attack and the voice was telling her how to escape; she had to listen to survive.
