Chapter 17

Vance sat alone in his office. He was going to be heading home soon, but he wanted some time to think. Tim's behavior in his office and the report he had received from Dr. Nielson were both very puzzling. He had sensed Tim's repressed anger. That out-of-control emotion he had noticed was out of character for Tim. Tim wasn't like that. He wasn't vindictive. Sure, he got frustrated like everyone did on occasion, but he wasn't the type to hold grudges.

If it weren't for the fact that Tim had requested the chance to tell his team about his resignation himself, Vance would have stormed down and demanded answers from Gibbs right away. As it was, he would respect Tim's request and wait until Monday. He hoped that it was a mistake that the team would clear up.

...but that anger...why was Tim so furious? What had happened?

Vance wished he knew.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Fifteen years ago...

It was a long drive. Matt had never been in Tim's company for so long and it was incredibly awkward. Tim seemed to have no concept of how to hold a conversation...but that couldn't be exactly right because he spoke to his professors often enough, and there was no reason to think that he had some sort of disorder or disability. Eventually, Tim pulled out his homework and did his problems aloud, impressing Matt in spite of himself. Any doubts he might have had about Tim's raw intelligence were quickly dispelled by a few hours of electrodynamics and advanced mathematics.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Take the next right. Fourth house on the left," Tim said, but his voice had changed. He was eager, almost excited.

The house was slightly larger than average but not huge. Significant to it was the wheelchair ramp in the front. The entire driveway was shoveled and deiced. These were people who thought of the details and tried to plan ahead. Why make more trouble than necessary?

Tim got out of the car as it rolled to a stop. It was after midnight but there was a light on in the front room.

"Mom's still up."

"Maybe she's waiting."

"She's not. I didn't tell her I was coming."

"Why not?"

"Just in case..."

Matt furrowed his brow. "In case of what?"

Tim shrugged and grabbed his bag from the back seat. "Come on in."

Matt followed, feeling slightly intrusive. This wasn't like going to one of his friends' houses. This was like being invited into the house of a stranger. Tim came in and called out softly.

"Mom?"

A woman with gray-streaked auburn hair stood up, staring in disbelief.

"Tim. What? How...How did you get here?"

Tim dropped his bag in the hall and ran to his mother. "Matt gave me a ride," he said and hugged her tightly.

"Tim, you're too skinny."

"I know." He pulled back. "Mom, this is Matt. Matt, this is my mom. Naomi."

Matt held out his damaged hand. "Nice to meet you."

There was only a minor hesitation as she noticed the missing fingers. Her grip was strong and she shook hands firmly.

"Thank you for bringing him home," she said.

He heard a lot more in that simple statement than he had ever expected. She might have been thanking him for saving Tim's life.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Timmy! Timmy! You're home!"

The ecstatic shrieks woke Matt up earlier than he'd wanted to be. He sat up, momentarily forgetting where he was. Oh, yes. The McGee home.

"Hey, Sarah."

"When did you get here?"

"Last night. Keep your voice down. My...my ride is still asleep."

Tim was different here, even down to his voice, his tone. Speaking to his sister, he sounded younger, more relaxed...like a real person. So which one was real?

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Matt, we're going to the hospital. You're welcome to join us or to stay here."

Sarah answered for him. "He wants to come and drive in his car so I can come with him!" She'd been staring at him in fascination ever since he had joined them for breakfast.

"Sarah," Naomi said.

"No, that's all right. I can come...if you don't mind, of course, Naomi."

Naomi smiled. "If you want to indulge my little hellion, feel free."

"I'm not a hellion, Mom! I'm darling!"

"In your better moments," Naomi replied, but she smiled. "Don't feel obligated, Matt."

"No, that's all right."

"Okay. Then, Tim will come with me. Sarah, mind your manners."

"I promise!"

Sarah grabbed Matt's arm and dragged him out of the house. Once they were driving, her expression became serious.

"Are you Tim's friend?"

"I'm...not sure, really."

"You must be. MIT is a long ways away...but Tim said no one liked him over there. He was sad about it because he had hoped he'd finally get friends. Mom and Dad tried to help him, but I don't think it worked."

"How old are you, Sarah?"

"Nine, almost ten...but that doesn't mean I'm dumb!"

"I didn't think it did."

"Good. Because I'm smart. I know that Mom wanted to talk to Tim...alone."

"If Tim is anything to go by, you must be smart."

She shook her head. "I'm not as smart as Tim...and I'm glad."

"Why?"

"Because being really smart means everyone hates you. Ever since we've been here, that's how it is. No one likes Tim. He never has friends. I thought maybe it was just here, but it's at MIT, too. So it must be true everywhere. People who are smart don't have friends."

Ouch. He searched for something to say, but Sarah wasn't done.

"I think part of it is Tim's fault. That's what Mom and Dad said, anyway. So Tim's really smart but he's also really dumb with people...but he's always been nice to me...almost always." She grinned. "I'm annoying sometimes."

"Most sisters are."

"Why does everyone hate him?"

How to explain something like that to an almost-ten-year-old... Matt had no idea.

"Did he do something bad? ...but Tim's not bad. He never gets into trouble. Even when he got beat up...he didn't usually fight back, even though he got really mad. He broke the keyboard once, pushing the keys too hard."

Silence.

"Do you hate him?"

"No." That part was easy. Did he like Tim? Jury was still out. Matt wasn't even sure he knew the real Tim.

"I hope you'll be his friend."

"Why?"

"Because you're here. No one else is. There's the hospital!" She pointed. "Dad will be happy to meet you! Do you know anything about literature?"

"Not much."

"Good. Dad will focus on you then. He likes quoting things and if he has an audience who hasn't heard them before, he'll be really happy."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Visits to the hospital were a bit awkward, but less so than Matt had expected. Tim was engaging, if a bit withdrawn. He made jokes with his dad, and Sam, although still recovering, was highly entertaining and very welcoming of a total stranger. Still, it was easier at Tim's home rather than at the hospital. Sam would be released in a few days, not while Tim was there, unfortunately, but the doctors had expected some problems and had been ready to deal with them when they arose. Sunday evening, they sat down to eat and Sarah was staring Matt's hand as he ate. It was his right hand...and he was right-handed. It was very noticeable.

"Yes, Sarah?" he asked.

"What happened to your hand? It's all...weird."

"Sarah!" Naomi said. "I'm sorry, Matt."

"No, that's all right. I'm used to questions."

"Still, that was rude, Sarah."

Sarah looked down at her plate. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"It's okay." Matt put down his fork and held out his hand. "You want to look?"

Sarah lifted her head a little, hesitant. "Can I...I feel it?"

Matt laughed. "Sure. Go ahead. My hand is even clean."

Tentatively, she reached out and felt the scarred space where most people had fingers.

"What happened?"

"I was in the Army. Lost my fingers while I was out fighting. They managed to save my thumb and my pinky; so I can still use my right hand, which is a relief. I'm not very good with my left."

Sarah laughed.

"Can you feel things in your hand?" she asked, suddenly serious.

"Yes, but not in the center where my fingers are gone. When I first lost them, I felt like they were still there, but now...now, I'm pretty much used to only having two fingers. It doesn't bother me."

"Is everyone like that?" Sarah asked, her eyes drawn to the empty space at the table.

Tim opened his mouth to say something but then looked at his plate in silence, and Matt finally understood why Sarah was asking...although he couldn't imagine why she would think losing a couple of fingers was like being paralyzed.

"I don't know. I think most people are, but I don't know too many others. It's a choice people make. I chose to go on with my life as much as I could."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Please, Tim, just tonight! You won't be back for months!" Sarah begged.

"Okay, okay. You're getting too old for me to read you stories."

"No, sir! It's good to keep reading no matter what age! My teacher told me so!"

Tim smiled, and Matt was amazed at the patience and love Tim showed toward a girl who could be an annoying little sister. That wasn't feigned. He was sure of that much. Sarah dragged Tim up the stairs to read her some book that she was reading in school.

"Sarah will keep him up there for half an hour or more, at least," Naomi said, smiling. "She hates that he's gone during the year...and especially this year."

"Yeah, Tim told me that he couldn't go home for Christmas."

Naomi nodded and he saw her jaw clench briefly before she smiled again.

"I don't think you could possibly understand how much it means to us...to all of us that Tim could come right now. It wasn't life-threatening...well, it could have been, but we caught the infection early enough that it wasn't likely. Still, Tim's the kind of person who needs to see that Sam is okay." She shook her head. "He's seen too much of the opposite. So...thank you. If you need some money for gas..."

"No. I'm fine. I promise," Matt said quickly, thinking of Tim's admission of poverty. "Naomi...I might be overstepping here. Tim might not appreciate me telling you this."

"Please, overstep. There have been precious few people who cared enough to step at all."

Matt smiled and then said it all in a rush. "Did you know that Tim is skipping meals every day to save on money?"

Naomi sat back and stared. "No. No, I didn't know that. How often?"

"From what he told me, the only meal he's eating regularly is dinner...and he usually saves something from that for breakfast. He told me that you guys are...having some financial problems this year."

"Yes...we are. We're managing, but Sam's been having a lot of health problems for the last couple of years and my job doesn't bring in as much as Sam's does." She paused. "I don't want to make our lot into some sob story. We make enough to get by. The lawsuit really put us over the edge, ate up all our savings...even though we won...as we should have. It was a frivolous waste of time and money. It's just taking longer to break even again. Still, poor we might be, but not that poor. It's so like Tim to try and keep from making waves, even when his plans end up making things bad for himself. Thank you for telling me. I should have asked Tim directly. He never could lie very well."

"You know...we might be able to help Tim out a bit with meals at school."

"How?"

"I got my friends to help me out with gas money. It took about five seconds to get enough to help cover the trip. A lot of us can afford it."

"Why would you?" she asked, bluntly. "I have to confess that I never expected to see anyone from MIT here. Oh, I'm not blaming you. Tim is...awkward to put it mildly. He's had his own share of problems and he let it develop into a larger problem. We've tried to help him see where he's going wrong, but..." She smiled sadly. "...but from what he's told us so far, he'd given up on ever making any friends. In fact, the last time Sam talked to him, he had decided that he wasn't going to ever do anything with anyone again. It sounds childish...and it is, but Tim is the kind of person who would go that far...and stay there. His wounds don't heal easily. So...tell me, why you? Why now?"

"I don't know. It's the right thing to do. I'll be honest...I didn't like him last year...not at all. I'm still not sure whether I do or not. ...but no one should be sitting up at three in the morning crying and doing homework."

"He's taking too many classes, I know. School is the one place that Sam and I have never been able to make suggestions. Tim loves to learn. School itself, not so much, but learning is everything to him. If it wasn't for that, I think he'd give up. I don't know if he can last another year alone. I'm not telling you this to make you feel like you have to be his friend. A forced friendship is worse than none at all...but maybe you can help him see what we can't. I don't know exactly what he does and says at school...but it has to be different from how he is here because here...if you'll forgive a mother's bias, he's the sweetest boy I know."

"He's not like that at school."

"I figured as much. Regardless of whether or not you two do become friends, we will forever be in your debt for the sacrifice you made in bringing Tim home. Tim might not thank you, but he'll be grateful...moreso because he knows no one likes him, and one of those people still tried to help. That's against his experience."

There was a thumping down the stairs and Naomi turned away from Matt as if the conversation had never happened.

"Is she asleep?"

"No, of course not," Tim said. "She's under the covers with a flashlight, reading the rest of A Wrinkle in Time. She probably won't sleep until it's finished."

"No school tomorrow; so that's okay for tonight. Now, Tim, come with me. We need to have a chat. Good night, Matt. It's been a pleasure to have you here."

"Thanks for having me."

Matt watched as Naomi put an arm around Tim's shoulders and directed him out of the living room. It had been an eye-opening experience, being here, seeing Tim with people he loved...and talking with those people. If only Tim could act like this at school. Why didn't he? What made him think that he had to be superior to everyone else? It wasn't his family from what Matt could see. ...but it was sad to think that Tim had changed himself so drastically...and was, in effect, shooting himself in the foot. It might just be worth a try to see if he could find out if Tim really was a friend.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"You told my mom about..."

"Yeah, I did," Matt said, grateful that Tim had finally broken the silence. They'd been driving for two hours.

"Why?"

"Because what you're doing is noble...but kind of dumb, Tim."

"Well, no one asked you!" Tim said, instantly bristling. "I didn't ask for your help! I don't need help from you."

"You know what, Tim? That is why you don't have any friends."

"What?"

"That...you acting like you're better than we are, like you're God's gift to mankind. That is why no one likes you!" Matt said. "No one likes being put down...and that's all you've ever done, although after seeing you with your family, I can't even fathom why you'd think it would work! You don't do that to your family!"

Deafening silence. Matt chanced a sideways glance and saw Tim's expression. Utter shame. He seemed to have no gradient of emotions. It was either absolute arrogance or absolute humiliation...except at home.

"Tim...why do you act like that?"

Tim's head dropped. "Because being worse than everyone didn't help either," he mumbled.

"Being worse? What are you talking about? No one treated you that way."

"Not at MIT."

A light bulb, and Matt kicked himself for being so obtuse. "Tim...were you bullied in school?"

The laugh that answered him was less of a laugh and more of a hacking caw. "I'm two years younger than everyone. I'm smarter than they are. What do you think?"

"...but no one's done that at MIT."

"No. They haven't. It's worse. I thought being pushed around every day was bad. Being ignored is ten times worse. I don't even exist at MIT...and I tried so hard to. At least the bullies thought I was important enough to put down. ...because they knew I was better. They knew that and the only way to stop me from being better was to shove me into the lockers, to dump my books in the toilet...humiliate me in gym class. They couldn't be better just by being themselves. I was better and they couldn't handle that." Tim's voice was bitter and angry. Clearly, two years wasn't even near enough to heal these particular wounds. Matt remembered Naomi's words...and he saw how right she was. Tim hadn't forgiven the bullies at all. He hadn't even just put aside what happened. He had let it poison him.

"You don't have to be better you know."

"What do you mean?"

"Just what I said. Do you think that the reason Justin, Jaya, David and all the rest of us are friends is because we're all the best? It's not true. That's not what being friends is about. You've got to know that, Tim. What about friends in school?"

"I didn't have any."

"None?"

Tim shook his head. "Not for a long time. I'm the number one punching bag. It's dangerous to associate oneself with a target. I had friends once...but even when I was younger, there were bullies. I was a magnet to them. I liked my teachers...but the...the kids my age, younger or older...I hated them."

"And you still do, apparently."

"They deserve it! They shoved me around and no one tried to help! No one helps...not unless you're on top. The people who pushed me around...they were popular. Everyone liked them...except me. I hate them. Every one of them."

"And it's really hurting them, isn't it," Matt said sarcastically. "I'll bet they can feel that hatred and it kills them to know that Tim McGee hates them."

Tim glared at him and Matt smiled.

"Tim, can't you see that it only hurts you? Unless you actually set out to do something about it, hatred only hurts the person who feels it. You think I didn't hate the guy who made me lose my fingers?"

"How did he?"

"He stepped on a land mine. He died. Guy next to him lost his leg. I was a few steps behind and caught the shrapnel in my hand. I was lucky not to have a stump ending at the wrist. I was mad at him...because we had been warned about land mines in the area and he wasn't watching. ...but what did it hurt him to have me hate him? It didn't. He was dead and gone. All my hatred was doing was making things worse for myself because I felt guilty, too."

"About what?"

"About surviving when he died. ...but you know what? It's not my fault he died. It's not my fault I lived. ...and while you can blame the jerks in high school for ruining your life, it's up to you to choose how much they're going to affect you, how long you're going to hold onto it, because you can bet that they're not going to remember you in ten years. Maybe not even in five. But you are remembering them. You're letting them win long after the stupid high school game is over. Why bother?"

Another long silence. This one stretched out for fifteen minutes.

"It doesn't matter anyway."

"What doesn't matter?"

"Whether or not they win. Everyone's the same."

"No, they're not. ...but if you treat us all how you got treated in high school, you're going to have the same result."

"But why?" Tim asked, plaintively. "Why is it that they were all liked but I'm still a loser everywhere?"

Matt saw a rest area coming up and signaled to take the ramp off the interstate. He didn't answer until the car was in a parking spot.

"Tim, why would you think that making someone feel like you felt was a good idea?"

"I...I don't know what else to do."

"Yeah, you do. Your family still likes you and you're smarter than they are."

"Families are different. They're always there, no matter what."

"Real friends are, too. The real friends don't care if you're smart or dumb, if you're older than everyone or younger. They care about who you are. If they like that person, then they stick around. If not, they don't."

"No one has ever liked me, though."

"Did you ever give them a chance to? You never gave us the chance to see who you were. You just told us what you knew. How can we decide if we don't get to see you?"

Tim looked out the window.

"Do you know how I got the money for gas on this trip?"

"No."

"From my friends. I asked them if they'd be willing to loan me some money. Nearly everyone chipped in."

"Why?"

"To help. That's what friends do." Matt sighed. "Look, Tim, there's a group of us who get together to study electrodynamics every week...to keep all that stuff Jorgenson tells us straight. You could come. We could always use another brain."

"Yeah, I'm really sure you want me there," Tim said with heavy sarcasm.

"Actually, I'm not sure, but it's a chance I'm willing to take. Are you?"

"No."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

The return to MIT didn't bring any great changes. Tim went back to his loner ways although he said nothing to anyone about what had happened. A couple of people, Matt included, began saying hi to Tim when they'd pass him while he was studying in the library. Tim rarely responded, but they persisted. Every so often, Matt would renew his invitation to Tim to join the study groups. Tim always refused.

They all joined together and helped Tim out with money for food...unobtrusively, mostly through Matt. Tim accepted it, but reluctantly and seemed embarrassed by the help.

Midterms came and went. Weeks passed and the weather slowly improved. Tim still resisted and the others persisted. By the time April rolled around, Tim had begun saying hi in return. That was all, but it was enough. Matt redoubled his efforts to get Tim to talk to others, to join in the study groups.

Finally, the last week of classes approached. Finals would be beginning in earnest soon.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Okay, so, electrodynamics is first," Justin said. "At least we can get it out of the way."

"That's the only good thing to say about it," Matt groaned.

There was a knock on the lab door.

"Come on in! Join the misery!" David called out.

The door opened slowly and Tim stepped inside. Everyone looked at him in surprise. Tim looked frankly terrified by the attention.

"Hey, Tim. Come on in. We're commiserating about final schedules. Jorgenson is first."

"You're...studying?" he asked, his voice low, hesitant.

"Well, we haven't started just yet. We have to moan and groan first."

"The tests will happen anyway...why not just study?" he asked, a hint of his former derision.

"Because study groups are more fun if you're not always studying."

"But...they're study groups," Tim said.

Justin laughed. "Misnomers."

"You want to join us or not?" Jaya asked, only slightly irritated.

Tim stepped back and then caught Matt's eye.

"Yes...okay."

He said almost nothing else during the study group, except for those things that directly related to electrodynamics, but everything he said was right. He had apparently already studied...but no one suggested that he leave.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Finals came and went. Tim joined with a few of the other study groups. He said little and absolutely nothing about himself, only about whatever the subject was. ...but he listened and he didn't try to laud himself over everyone else. During the finals he was the first finished with the tests and sat outside while everyone else finished. It was a simple gesture, but he waved at the others as they came out...and waited until every single person in the class had finished. He did that at every test, not saying anything, just waiting.

Matt walked over to him after the last final of the year.

"Hey, we're going out to celebrate, Tim. Come on."

"I'm too young to drink, Matt," Tim said, shaking his head.

"I know. That's why we're not going to a bar. We're going to get dinner."

Tim still shook his head.

"Why not?"

"We're done studying."

"Yeah, that means we get to celebrate!"

Tim looked at him. "You don't want me to come, really."

"Yeah, we do."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"I help you study. You're not studying anymore."

"You think that's the only reason we want you around?"

"Isn't it?"

"No!"

"Then, why?"

Matt wasn't sure how to answer the question. It had been pity at first, to be honest. ...but now, he was a part of the group and Tim would no more be excluded than Justin would.

"Because you're part of the group. That's how it works."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. We'll even split the cost; so you don't have to worry about that."

Tim flushed.

"No need to be embarrassed, Tim. That's how things go sometimes. You coming?"

"Uh...sure."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

They crowded into a local restaurant and began talking about things other than school. Tim said nothing until they started going around the table talking about what they were going to do over the summer.

"Tim, what about you?"

Tim looked around at them, surprised to be included. Matt smiled.

"Tim? What are you doing during the summer?"

"I..." Tim swallowed. "I got a job."

"Doing what?"

"Cleaning...asbestos."

"Yikes. That's no fun."

Tim smiled. "No...but it pays pretty good...cause it sucks."

"Man, you must really want to come back here."

"Yeah."

"Will you be back?"

"I think so. I hope so." Matt watched as Tim chanced a smile. "...but I'm not rooming with Manny."

Everyone laughed.

"No one wants to room with Manny," Justin said, grinning. "But he's finally graduating this year; so everyone will be safe."

"When are you going?"

"Next week. I have to meet with all my professors and set up what I'm doing next year. At least I'll be an adult finally."

Another laugh. Tim's smile was less timid. He even laughed a little himself.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"See you next year, Tim."

"Yeah."

"If you have problems...you can always ask for help."

"Can I?"

"Sure...it's what friends do."

Tim smiled and then turned around and faced the road.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. ...I told Mom... I'd be happy with one friend."

"Well, offer's open if you're interested."

"Thanks...Matt."

"You're welcome. See you next year!"

"Bye."

Matt watched Tim get on the bus and then headed back to campus to gather his own things. Tim wouldn't be an easy friend to have, probably...but he figured he'd be a friend worth having.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Present...

"He is not answering his phone, Tony. Do you think we should check on him?"

"Come on, Ziva!"

"That is not an answer, Tony," Ziva said. "You saw him today. What he said to Gibbs."

"Who hasn't thought that before, though?"

"Yes, but McGee? Saying it aloud to Gibbs? That is not normal. That is not McGee."

"Okay...so...maybe he's more like Thomas than he should be."

"That is not a good thing."

"Could be worse."

"How?"

"He could be...more like me."

Ziva laughed. "But Tony..."

"Hey, don't worry. I know Abby was going over there tonight. She'll take care of him."

Ziva hung up, but she didn't feel any better. However, Abby was infinitely more qualified than she to talk to Tim.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim heard Abby at his door.

He had no intention of answering.

Abby was the one person he couldn't bear to see.