Chapter 19
Tim knocked on the door and waited. The house wasn't quite as big as it looked. Matt had decided that he wanted it to loom without really being a cavern on the inside. He sometimes entertained as part of his job, but mostly, the house was empty...even in spite of his and Judith's attempts to change that.
As it opened, Tim tensed involuntarily.
"Tim! Hey! ...wow, you look awful."
Tim smiled and suddenly felt really tired. "Yeah, I know. I look worse than I feel. I promise."
"You look like you did in college...and that's not a good thing."
"You always know how to make a guy feel good about himself. It's left over from my last assignment."
Matt looked around. "Didn't you bring Jethro?"
Tim blinked and looked down and then back over his shoulder where Jethro was still sitting in the car.
"Oh...yeah..." Tim suddenly realized that he had no memory of walking from the car to the front door.
"...and I'm assuming you brought something to wear on subsequent days?"
Tim's empty hands made him flush.
"Are you okay, Tim?"
"I'm fine!"
"Yeah, you always say that when you're obviously not fine."
"Physically, I'm fine. Mentally..." Tim sighed. "I'm all over the place, Matt. I'm sorry."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning that you'll probably be glad that you won't be around. I'm probably a hard friend to have right now."
Matt smiled and clapped a hearty arm around Tim's shoulders, leading him back to his car.
"That doesn't mean you're not worth having as a friend. I've told you that before."
"Yeah. You have." Tim headed over to the car. "Hey, Jethro, you ready to get out?"
Jethro whined.
"Stupid dog," Tim said with more bitterness than he had intended. He felt Matt's arm tense in surprise but he didn't say anything.
"Bags in the trunk?"
"Yeah. Get out here, Jethro!" Tim said, carefully curbing his anger. Jethro got out, tail between his legs and ears down. Tim watched him dispassionately.
"Oh, make him feel better, Tim! It won't hurt you!" Matt ordered as he grabbed Tim's bags.
Tim relented and knelt down. "Oh, Jethro. Come on, don't act like that! You know I like you!"
Jethro padded over to his master, obviously hesitant. He tentatively licked at Tim's face.
"It's all right," Tim said.
Jethro whuffled against Tim's face and then barked, tail and ears both coming up.
"There now. That wasn't very difficult, was it?" Matt asked.
Don't take that from him!
"No. It wasn't," Tim said. "He was acting stupid, though. Here, you don't have to be my bellboy. I can carry them myself."
"And I can help you. If you want to tip me, that's your business." Matt grinned and kept walking.
Tim followed behind, unsure if he was angry or amused. Jethro trotted along behind.
"Judith!" Matt called out. "Our guest is here!"
Tim jumped and took a step to the side as Judith came running down the stairs.
"Tim!" She didn't notice his backward movement. "Oh, you look just terrible! I swear you must be ready to collapse." She turned to Matt. "Take his stuff up to his room, Matt."
"Yes, ma'am," Matt said, acting servile. He started up the stairs.
"Tim, I hereby order you to eat at least five helpings at dinner."
Tim struggled to smile, even as being around Judith put him on his guard...but he didn't know why.
"I don't think I could, Judith. It's been a while since I ate that much. I'd probably get sick."
Judith smiled and patted his cheek gently. "Then, you can eat as much as you can stand and start building up a tolerance for food." She leaned closer to him...and sniffed. "Tim...how long has it been since you changed? Your clothes don't seem...freshly laundered."
Tim looked down at himself. He was still wearing Thomas' clothes. From five days ago.
I showered, didn't I? I must have...but if I did, why did I put these clothes back on? I don't even like them!
"Gosh, I stink! I'm sorry!" Tim felt horribly embarrassed. "I don't..."
Matt put a hand on his shoulder from behind and Tim jumped, even though he knew it could only be Matt.
"Hey, Tim. Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm...sorry," Tim said, unconsciously backing away from the two of them.
"No worries. Why don't you go on up and shower and change?" Matt suggested. "Actually, you could also take a short nap. Dinner isn't quite ready yet; so you can catch up on the sleep you're obviously lacking."
"I don't want to..."
Matt shook his head. "Think of this as your home away from home, Tim. Come on. I'll take you up and you can see your luxurious bedroom. It even has an en suite bathroom."
"You're just showing off."
"Of course, I am! ...but, Tim... You do look like you need it."
"Well...I definitely need the shower."
"It's okay to need help."
"I know."
Tim followed Matt up the stairs to a very nice room. It wasn't ostentatious, just large, comfortable...with the aforementioned bathroom. Tim looked around.
"I think this might be larger than my entire apartment."
"Probably. You live in a closet."
Tim walked over and opened the closet doors. "Well, if it's like this one, then yes."
"Are your parents glad you're back?"
"I haven't talked to them. They probably are."
"You haven't talked to them?"
"I called and left a message."
"When?"
"Um...Thursday, I think."
"And Sarah?"
"No. Not yet."
"Why not?"
"None of your business!" Tim snapped and closed the doors.
"Tim."
Tim sighed. He had known this would be coming.
Don't let him make you feel bad! You made a choice! It's your life! Not his!
"What?" Even to his own ears, that single word sounded unnecessarily angry.
"What happened? I mean, I know you can't tell me any details, and I'm not asking for that, but what happened?"
"I quit."
"NCIS?"
"No, I have another job I've been working," Tim replied scathingly.
"Why did you quit?"
"It was time. ...long past time."
"What about your friends? What did they have to say about that?"
"They're not friends," Tim said, with an irritated laugh. "Certainly not coworkers, not anymore."
"You've said that kind of thing before."
"You know what, Matt? If you're going to try and defend them, don't bother! You weren't there. You don't know. Just leave it alone!" Tim said.
Exactly! Let him have it! He's on their side!
Matt just looked at him without speaking. Tim pushed away the niggling thread of fury, walked over to the bed and sat down, running his hands through his spiky hair.
"I'm sorry. I told you that I'm not a good friend to have right now."
"You did say that...but that still doesn't mean you're a friend not worth having."
Tim leaned forward. "I did some things...undercover...some things I wish I hadn't done. I'm not even sure if I should have. They made sense at the time."
"You're a pretty smart guy, Tim. You're also well-trained. Don't second-guess yourself...particularly when you can't do anything about it. Shower, get some sleep, and we can talk more later. We could even put off–"
"No!" Tim said, sitting up. "No, you're not going to change your vacation plans because I'm having some problems. It's probably the first vacation you two have gone on since your honeymoon."
"There is that." Matt smiled. "Okay, but seriously...we don't have to leave for hours yet...and we're your friends. You can tell us whatever you need to get out of your system."
"I'm...going to go shower." Tim opened his bag, grabbed whatever came to hand and went into the bathroom.
It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done...taking off Thomas' clothes.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"He still asleep?" Judith asked when Matt came into the kitchen two hours later.
"No sounds from above. I assume so."
"He'll have to get up soon. Dinner's almost ready. What's wrong with him?"
"I don't know, Judith...but don't push him too much for answers right now."
"Why not?"
"I've seen him like this before...before you came back from England. When you met Tim, he'd more or less worked through a lot of his problems. Whatever happened over the last few months...it's brought all the crap he was feeling back then up again. I don't know...maybe this is normal for undercover work. I don't have any experience with all that...but something happened. ...and when he gets like this, you can't force him to do anything. You just have to be persistent in not going away."
"Isn't that what we're doing?"
"Not exactly. If we decided to stay, Tim would know it's because of him and he'd be resentful and feel guilty. Don't ask me how he manages both at once. He's gifted that way."
Judith smiled. "What are we going to do, then?"
"Play it by ear, mostly. ...but let's see if we can get him to agree to call his folks. If we can, that will at least be someone else who's in contact with him. He quit NCIS...on bad terms from what he said."
Judith's eyes widened in surprise. "Wow. What if he doesn't agree?"
"Then...we'll call them ourselves on our way out of town and let them know where he is."
"Okay." Judith went back to stirring the soup she was making. "Matt...why don't we push our departure time back a bit? The pilots can file a new flight plan, right?"
"They'd grumble, but yeah."
"Let's do that. See if we can get Tim to talk to us at all. If nothing else, it will take time to catch up since he's been gone for so long."
"Why don't you call them and I'll go get Sleeping Beauty up."
Judith chuckled. "Coward. You don't want to tell the pilots about the change in schedule."
"That's right, my dear. Your idea? You get the agony." Matt kissed her on the cheek and headed upstairs, hiding his other reason for being the one to wake Tim up. As jumpy as Tim had been, Matt was worried about what he might do if startled.
As he climbed the stairs he thought he heard something...a voice, maybe, coming from Tim's room.
"No...no...it wasn't me..."
"Tim?"
Matt sprinted up the last few stairs and into Tim's bedroom. The sheets and blankets were twisted every which way and Tim was tossing and turning on the bed, a sheen of sweat on his face.
"It's not me!" he said, his voice increasing in volume.
"Tim, wake up!" Matt shook Tim firmly, trying to get him out of whatever nightmare he'd had.
Tim's eyes opened but they obviously weren't seeing anything beyond whatever horror still had his mind entangled. He didn't speak but stared at Matt in terror and began struggling against his restraining hands.
"Tim! Tim! Snap out of it, man!"
With a mighty heave, Tim flung Matt's arms away and sat up in the bed, almost whimpering. Then, slowly, breathing heavily, he looked at Matt and seemed to see him. He closed his eyes and bent over, wrapping his arms around his waist, breathing in and out through his mouth.
"Is that why you're not sleeping?" Matt asked softly.
Tim nodded.
"It happens a lot?"
Another nod.
"You want to talk about it?"
Shake.
"Tim, I think you should."
"No." Tim swallowed. "Please, Matt...let me have a little bit of time where...where that...isn't what I'm thinking about. Please."
Matt reached out but Tim flinched away from the motion.
"All right, Tim. Dinner's ready. You need a few minutes?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. I'll go help Judith set the table. Just come down when you're ready."
"Thanks."
Matt left him there, reluctantly. Tim was in a bad way, but maybe some normalcy would help. He didn't know for sure, but he could hope.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
When Tim came down, there was no sign of his recent panic except for, perhaps, some added eye movement. Other than that, he smiled at Judith, ate the bowl of soup she set down for him, even ate the bread she made him take. They chatted lightly, although all of them could sense the elephant in the room, even if two of the occupants didn't know exactly what it was.
"So...Tim, did you hear about David and Jaya?"
"What about them?"
"They're getting married!"
Tim did a double-take. "What?"
"Yeah. I'm sure they sent you an invitation. Have you got your mail lately?"
"No. I...I guess I didn't think about doing that."
"Well, when you get a moment, do. I'm positive that they'll want all of the old crowd around. David even asked where you had disappeared to when he called last month. They ran into each other at a conference in Seattle last year and decided it was fate or something."
"Meant to be?" Tim asked, sounding slightly cynical.
"I guess so. They're tying the proverbial knot in September. I told him he'd better wait until Judith and I got back because there's no way I'd believe that Jaya would take him if I wasn't there to see it myself."
Tim laughed...and then, inexplicably, his jaw tightened. Just for a moment.
After dinner, Tim insisted on helping clean up. Judith protested but then caved and allowed him. Then, they took him on the grand tour, explaining about the people who would come in and clean (unless he called and told them not to), the people who took care of the stables and horses, the people who did the lawns, the people who brought in the groceries once a week (unless Tim wanted to go shopping himself).
"Man, do you guys do anything on your own?"
"As little as possible," Judith said, "but I do the cooking. Matt's a miserable failure at it, and I enjoy it...even if it does make my friends call me a pitiful little housewife."
"They've never seen you on the warpath," Matt said. "They'd never think that if they had."
Judith grinned and swatted Matt on the arm.
"Can I ask a...more serious question?" Tim asked.
"Shoot."
"Any progress on adoption?"
Judith sighed. "Some. You'd think that a well-established couple with acres of space, a steady job and a wife willing to stay at home would be ideal. For some reason we keep choosing badly. We're thinking of going international. We have a few applications in now. We'll see if anything pans out. If someone calls while we're on vacation and makes an offer, we might be back before you're ready."
"I hope you get what you want. You guys deserve it," Tim said, sincerely, sounding like his old self.
"Thanks, Tim," Matt said. "Okay. Last things, all our contact info is on the fridge...and in the computer in the den...and you can ask our neighbors."
"Do you expect me to burn down the house?" Tim asked, smiling still.
"No. We're just paranoid. I showed you the security system. Just turn it on at night. Remember that you've done it. I can't tell you how many times I forgot when we first got it installed."
"I think we had the police out here five times in the first month," Judith said.
"I'll remember."
"I know that Jethro's well-trained; so don't worry about making him sleep outside. In or out, doesn't matter...but do try to keep him off the nice furniture," Matt said.
"Oh! We forgot the swimming pool stuff!" Judith said.
"I know how to use a swimming pool."
"No, this is about cleaning it," Matt corrected. "We have this bottom feeder machine thingy that sucks up leaves and grass...dog hair...and the frogs that always get in the pool and drown overnight."
"Frogs?"
"Yeah. They come from the wilderness area just off our property," Matt said, pointing to the north. "You'd think they'd start to realize that the chlorine is bad for them, but no. So here it is. You just have to put it in the pool at night and turn it on. Then, empty it in the morning. No big deal...just needs to be done."
Tim nodded and looked around. "You guys really do have a beautiful spot."
"Yeah. I think we lucked out with our place."
"Tim?"
Tim sighed. "Back to it?"
"Yeah. You should talk to your parents."
"You're not my guardian angel, Matt," Tim said, sounding annoyed.
"No. I'm your friend, and I know your parents. ...and I know Sarah. She called us about five times while you were gone, wanting reassurance that you'd be back. She doesn't deserve to have to keep worrying. Your parents, I'm sure, want to talk to you. Why are you avoiding it?"
"I'm not avoiding anything," Tim said, spinning around, now angry. "I'm doing things in my way!"
"Tim McGee loves his family more than anything," Matt said. "He wouldn't keep them waiting. That's not his way."
For a few seconds, Matt was actually afraid of Tim and he took one step so that he was in front of Judith. Tim wasn't the scrawny teenager anymore. He was thin but he was tall...and well-built. Then, Tim's head dropped into his hands.
"What if I'm not?"
"Not what?"
"Not Tim anymore. What if that's not who I am?"
The danger passed, and Matt approached Tim. "Is that what you want?"
"I...I don't know. I don't know what I want anymore. I just want to be left alone."
"Tim..." Judith began...but the moment of confession passed.
"You two had better not miss your flight," Tim said, lifting his head and, a fake smile pasted on it. "Even if you can hire your own plane, you still shouldn't miss it."
"Call your parents, Tim," Matt said.
"Or you will, right?"
"You know me well enough."
Tim nodded. "I know."
"Then, call them."
Tim took a deep breath and looked out on the open landscape. "Maybe you'd better call them, anyway. Just in case."
"In case of what?"
"In case I forget." Then, he smiled. "No hugs good-bye, okay? I...I don't like that right now."
"Okay," Matt said. "How about a nice manly handshake?"
Tim laughed and shook his hand. "Is it still manly if I shake Judith's hand, too?"
"On your side, definitely."
Judith extended both her hands and covered Tim's hand with her own.
"You have any problems, you call us. I don't care if we're in the middle of the Mediterranean. You're our friend and the closest thing I have to a brother anymore. So don't leave us out."
Tim didn't answer. He just pulled his hand away.
"You need a ride?"
"We've got a limo coming," Matt said.
"Of course you do."
They went back inside and Tim helped cart everything down to the entryway. They kept chatting until the limo came a few minutes later. It was hard to go, but Tim kept it together and even waved to them as they left.
"Will he be all right?"
"Eventually. I hope. He's not right now," Matt said. "Just hold on for a minute while I call his parents."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim went back inside after the limo left. He knew that Matt would call his parents. Right now...he was so tired. So very tired. He called for Jethro who came running in from near the stables, fed him, and then went upstairs and fell onto the nice soft bed.
For once, he fell asleep quickly.
