Chapter 39
Three days later...
"I'm sorry, Ms. ...Sciuto, was it?"
Abby nodded vigorously, her pigtails hitting her in the face.
"I'm sorry, but Tim has decided he doesn't want visitors again."
"Really? Or is it just because it's me?" she asked glumly.
"No. Really. I've had to turn away his parents and his friend Matt was just in here a few minutes before you." The woman smiled sympathetically. "I'm sorry. He's been doing so well, but something happened that made him isolate himself again. We're working with him and hopefully, he'll be up to visitors again soon."
Abby nodded, much more slowly. "Okay."
"I'm sorry. Progress isn't always constant. There are speed bumps and Tim seems to have hit one of those."
"Thanks. I'll come back later."
Abby turned and trudged out of the hospital. It had taken her so long to get up the courage to try. It figured that it would happen at a time when Tim was rejecting everyone.
"You're Abby Sciuto, aren't you."
The voice took her by surprise and she looked up.
"Do I know you? The last time someone said that to me on the street it didn't turn out so well."
The man smiled...as did the woman with him. "My name is Matt. This is my wife Judith. We're friends of Tim's. He's talked about you enough that I figured it was worth taking a chance." He held out his hand.
Abby stared at it for a moment. It was missing the middle three fingers.
"I'm right-handed. Can't seem to break the habit of using it," he said lightly.
Quickly, Abby shook his hand. "You're Tim's friend? The rich one in Maryland?"
Matt laughed at the description.
"Yes, that would be me."
"You got turned away, too?" Judith asked.
Abby sighed. "Yeah. I really wanted to see him. I haven't since he came back from being undercover. ...and he was afraid of me then. I'm not used to Tim being afraid of me. I'm not really very scary."
"Tim gets this way sometimes... Granted, this is worse than I've ever seen him, but I've seen him pretty low, and when he needs the most help, that's usually when he pushes it the farthest away...for fear of being taken advantage of or used or hurt at the last minute. ...or because he feels that he doesn't deserve the help."
"You seem to know him...really well."
"We've been friends since college...and I got to know him at an extremely low point," Matt said. "Tim used to describe himself as a hard friend to have. That's how I met him. Most of the time, he's a great friend. Times like this? It's harder...but I've always told him that he's still a friend worth having. That hasn't changed."
Abby considered that different view of Tim. She'd never really met someone who knew Tim away from NCIS...well, except Tim's family but that was different. ...and these two people seemed so...normal. Matt looked like a stereotypical wealthy white man. Except for his mangled hand, he wasn't exciting to look at. Judith had an accent Abby couldn't quite place and standing next to Matt, her dark skin made her a dramatic contrast to her husband. Where Matt was casual and open, she had an air of sophistication about her coupled with a genuine warmth, a willingness to get to know any person she met. They were an interesting couple, and Abby found herself drawn to them, as Tim probably had been.
"We were hoping to see him before we head up to New York on some...personal business," Judith said, "but it looks as though we'll have wait."
"It was nice to meet you," Abby said sincerely. "Tim's talked about you before but he never really thought of having us all get together."
"Hey...do you have plans for lunch?" Matt asked.
"No."
"Why don't you join us? We can swap stories." He smiled mischievously. "I'd love to hear more about Tim in his work environment. He doesn't ever think much of what he does...at least not enough to bother telling me."
"Matt's just jealous that Tim has such an action-packed job while he has to deal with board meetings," Judith said. "It would be wonderful to get to know some of Tim's other friends, though. Would you come?"
Abby hesitated and looked back at the hospital. It was unlikely that Tim would suddenly change his mind. She turned toward Matt and Judith and smiled. "I'd love to!"
"Wonderful! We'll lead the way. You can follow in your car."
"Great!" Abby said, feeling her heart lighten just a little bit.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"He's still hiding?" Dr. Wood asked.
Dr. Lewis nodded. "Yeah. I can't figure it out. From what William said, he went from being fine to suddenly looking devastated in about two seconds. We had a session yesterday, another one today and I couldn't draw him out at all. It's like we suddenly went back in time over two months. I just don't get it, Maren."
Dr. Westhouse nodded. "He's lost weight for the first time since he arrived, and that's a bad sign. He's deliberately not taking care of himself."
"What did he say when you asked him about it, Gerald?"
"Nothing. I couldn't even get him to smile and I'm usually pretty good at that."
Dr. Wood smiled. "You are. Okay. Here's what we know, from what you've said. Tim spoke to his sister and somewhere in the course of that conversation something hit him that has dredged up old familiar pain to the degree that he has felt the need to isolate himself from everyone. He has not shown any sign of paranoia?"
"No. This is...not exactly the same as the beginning was. There's less anger now, but it's still more like he was before than even last week," Dr. Lewis said.
"Daniel, you mentioned before that Tim seems a lot more willing to talk at night."
"Yeah, that's one of the weird things about him. He'll talk during sessions but he's more willing to open up at night."
"Okay. I know it's asking a lot of you to stay on again. You've filled more than your required number of on-call nights this month, but from what you've said, Tim is starting to slip away again...and we can't let that happen if we can prevent it."
Dr. Lewis sighed. "No, I know. It's a good thing I'm not married. I'm sure that if I was, my wife would want to kill me. I'll give it a try tonight after lights out."
"Okay. Now, Dolores."
Dr. Lewis and Dr. Westhouse both groaned. Dr. Wood smiled. "She's doing better. She hasn't tried to flirt with Greg in days."
"I'm just glad that she hasn't discovered Tim yet," Dr. Lewis said. "With how skittish he's been around any female, I don't think he could take her way of dealing with trauma."
"That's a good point. Still, there has been definite progress and her parents are hoping to get her released by the end of the month."
"That's excellent news," Dr. Westhouse agreed.
"All right. Any other problems we need to address right now?"
"Not on my end. Any progress on getting enough funding for another full-time psychiatrist?" Dr. Lewis asked. "I'm getting loaded down."
"Some progress, but not enough to actually get us anyone yet. Therese, Michel, and David are still full up in the secure wing. So...we're going to have to get by until the funding comes through."
"How about part-time even?"
"Paul and Mary will be back soon enough, and we'll have some easing of the crunch."
"In the meantime, I'll be waiting for nightfall," Dr. Lewis said. "In fact, I'm going to take a nap."
Dr. Wood smiled. "Have a nice nap, Daniel."
Dr. Lewis nodded and headed for the cot he'd been sleeping on way too often of late.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"So, how did you meet Tim?" Abby asked. "He just said it was in college, but he never really elaborated on the details. Were you roommates or something?"
Matt smiled. "No. We were..."
"Friends in the making?" Judith suggested with a grin.
"No. Might as well be honest about it. I hated him his first year at MIT."
"Really?" Abby asked in surprise. "Why? What did he do?"
"He very emphatically made clear that he was better than the rest of us."
"Tim?"
"Yeah."
"But...I know Tim has sometimes lorded his MIT degree over the rest of us...but most of the time, especially at the beginning, he was really...timid."
"Yeah. Well...things were different at MIT."
"How?"
"You know that Tim was bullied in high school?"
"Yeah. He doesn't talk about it much. He told me once that it was easier just to forget about those things."
"Well, he was fresh out of high school, away from the bullies...and he seemed to care more about being better than everyone else than he did about making friends...at least that what it looked like to us. So...we didn't like him."
"None of you?"
"Nope. None of us. First year, no one spoke to him if they could help it. Second year...Tim hit his low and I happened to see it. I pitied him and then we ended up kind of becoming friends at the end of the year."
"Only kind of?"
"It's hard to get to real friendship when both parties are aware that it started with hatred and then continued with pity. It was in his third year...and my last year that we really became friends. Judith was finishing up her schooling in England and we were trying to plan our wedding reception in a way that would please my family and us at the same time."
"And your family didn't care?" Abby asked Judith. At the expression on Judith's face, Abby got it. "Oh. I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"What happened? Are they dead?"
"I'm dead to them," Judith said.
Matt slipped an arm around her and held her tightly.
"Can I ask why?" Abby asked tentatively.
Judith nodded. "Tim may not have mentioned it, but Matt and I are LDS... You may have heard of us better as Mormons."
"I've heard of that...but I don't know anything about it."
"That's all right. I was born in Kenya. I met some Mormon missionaries when I was seventeen. I believed them and I got baptized. My family...decided that I had committed the ultimate betrayal and they kicked me out of the house, telling me that if I ever tried to come back, they'd kill me." Judith smiled sadly. "They've never changed their minds although I've tried over the years."
"That's awful. I'm really sorry."
"It's not your fault. I made the decision and while I wish they'd accept me, I'm not willing to give up my faith for that," Judith said and shook off her sadness. "Anyway...once Tim stopped being worried that his only friend would disappear, he pretty much stepped in as my brother."
Abby smiled. That sounded like the Tim she knew. "Did he give you away?"
"It doesn't work like that for an LDS wedding. Tim couldn't come into the temple since he's not a member, but he was my side of the receiving line at the reception. He was still really uncertain, though. It took most of the school year for him to get really comfortable with me. By the end, though, he was making his own friends and he was hanging out, helping Matt with things here...and he was the one who was with me when I called my family in Kenya and listened to them curse my name and then hang up." Judith laughed. "He didn't have a clue what to do with himself while I was crying. He asked if it would help if he gave me a hug. I hugged him...and he let me until Matt got back."
"Do you know why Tim wouldn't want help now?"
"He's afraid of revealing his weaknesses...whatever they are. That's my guess, anyway," Matt said. "When I first knew Tim, he was so unsure of his own worth that he tried to put forth this super-confident persona of someone who knew just how good they were at everything. It hid the fear he had of failing, of being terrible, of being rejected...because rejection is a type of failure...and implies weakness. I can only talk about this stuff because Tim started seeing a shrink in his third year. He would talk to me about the stuff he learned. I was amazed that it all actually seemed to be working. By the time Judith and I went on our honeymoon, Tim had changed dramatically. He wasn't supremely confident, but he was the nice guy I had first seen with his family back in Ohio. He wasn't outgoing and he was still awkward, but it was a nice awkward. He was, in his words, an easier friend to have."
Abby smiled...and then sobered. "That's funny...the way you described him."
"What do you mean?"
"That sounds a lot like the identity Tim created for his undercover operation."
"Really?"
"Yeah. ...almost exactly." Abby looked at Matt and Judith. "It's like Tim was going undercover as himself."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Gibbs sat staring at his most recent project. It wasn't a boat. It was a lot smaller than a boat. He'd actually bought plans for it, wanting to make sure he did it right. Would it make any difference? Probably not. Those green accusing eyes were still on his desktop. He knew that anyone could get rid of them in a moment...but from the moment that he had filled out Tim's COBRA forms, something inside him had shifted. Not a lot...but enough to recognize how thoroughly he had screwed up. From day one. ...and that wasn't something he could say very often. Usually, his flubs were small, temporary things that could be easily rectified. This wasn't.
What he was doing now...it wasn't enough. This project wouldn't change the past. It wouldn't make Tim hate him any less. ...but maybe it could help Gibbs forgive himself. Probably not. Maybe, instead, this was a way of punishing himself. Working on a project that would never mean anything. Slave over making a thing of beauty, while knowing that it would only be despised.
That was how Tim had felt. He had worked hard and everything he'd done hadn't been enough. Gibbs wasn't talking about the undercover operation either. The operation should have been a moment where everyone cheered him on and helped him be as successful as was possible...giving him support after all the years he'd been in a support position himself.
Instead, it had been a moment of anxiety...with heavy dollops of doubt, irritation and resentment. They hadn't meant to...but they had set Tim up to fail. More than likely, all this would have been extraordinarily hard on Tim regardless of how much support. ...but would his mind have snapped had he felt able to express himself to the people who were supposed to be his backup?
"I never had backup! You were never backup for me! Not once!"
What Tim had shouted at him in his blind rage had been nothing less than the truth. Sure, they were ready if something went wrong...but where Tim had really needed the backup...he'd been abandoned. He never had anyone to tell him that it was okay to feel conflicted about using sex to get somewhere. He never had anyone to tell him that doing the work he had to do undercover did not make him wrong. He never had anyone to tell him that he'd gone too far in his persona.
Heck, he'd never had anyone worry about where the persona had come from. It had no obvious flaws; so that was all that mattered...to the people who should have been paying attention.
It would have taken one question. One simple question and a lot of the problems could have been avoided.
"McGee, where did you come up with this guy?"
Eight words. Tim would have told them...at the beginning. He would have. ...unless, even then, he had been afraid of being rejected by his teammates.
Gibbs sighted along the board. It appeared level. Good.
As he worked on this pointless task, he felt as though he was getting closer to understanding Tim's mindset.
Maybe once he did that, he could ask Tim's forgiveness. ...but not until then.
Not until those green eyes on his computer ceased to fill him with deserved shame.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim heard the door open quietly and he tried to remain motionless, tried to make it appear that he was asleep.
"Tim?"
He'd failed.
"Tim, you're too tense to be asleep."
Tim sighed and rolled over. There was Dr. Lewis. He would ask questions. He would bring up what Tim desperately wanted to avoid talking about.
"Tim, have you slept at all the last few nights?"
There was no point in lying about it.
"No."
"Dr. Westhouse said you're losing weight."
"Yeah."
"Okay. Talk to me."
"Why? I don't have to," Tim said, but he couldn't muster up the same fire he'd had at the beginning.
Dr. Lewis seemed to sense that and sat down.
"Tim, don't you trust us anymore?"
"I trust you," Tim whispered. It was true. He did.
"Okay. Then, talk to me. What happened? What did your sister say that upset you so much?"
"It wasn't Sarah!" Tim said instantly. "It wasn't her fault! It was my fault."
"Okay. What?"
Tim shook his head, even as he felt Jewel's hand on his neck again. He shuddered at the sensation, even though he knew it was just in his head.
"Tim, what is it?"
Tim felt the tears on his cheeks and shook his head.
"I don't want to."
"I understand that, but, Tim, you can't keep hiding from whatever it is. You need to face it."
He remembered the day she'd actually drawn blood. She had apologized, but he hadn't ever been sure if she had meant it.
"Tim, you're safe here. Whatever you've been hiding, you can tell me."
Her face as she had realized how thoroughly she had misjudged him. Only when it was too late. She hadn't even looked betrayed...just surprised.
"Tim, talk to me. What are you afraid of?"
"Jewel," Tim whispered, hardly aware that he'd said the word.
There was silence and Tim found that he had to fill it.
"I liked it."
"Liked what?"
"What she did to me. ...what I did to her." Tim swallowed, feeling almost nauseous. He closed his eyes. "I liked it."
Another silence.
"...and I killed her. ...and I liked that, too."
Tim began to cry in shame.
