Chapter 40
One week later...
"Ah, Dr. Mallard, it's good of you to come."
Ducky smiled as he came into the hospital. "I could hardly do otherwise when you told me that Timothy wanted to speak with me. Do you know what it's about?"
Dr. Lewis shook his head. "I couldn't say. We've been slowly getting back to where we were before. Maybe he wants to talk about some revelations."
"I must say that I was surprised that Timothy changed his mind so quickly."
"It wasn't quick. The first breakthrough was last week...and since then, we've been going through some hard things. It was long and painful...and I called you as soon as he mentioned it for fear that he might change his mind again."
"Where is he?"
"Outside. Thank goodness. We couldn't get him to go out for a few days and he needs the physical boost of sunlight as well as just the freedom of the open air."
"Very well. Thank you."
Ducky walked out to the yard and saw Tim laying out, looking for all the world as though he was relaxing in a park...instead of a patient at a mental hospital.
"Timothy?"
"You got here fast," Tim said, staring up at the sky.
"They called me."
"I guess they didn't waste any time."
"Should they have?"
Tim sat up and pulled at a thick tuft of grass.
"I have to tell you some things, Ducky."
"Why?"
"Because you have to know the kind of person I am."
"I think I already do."
Tim looked up at him.
"Then...then, let me tell you what I've done and who I am. ...and you can tell me who I am...and what kind of person I am."
Ducky was surprised at the earnest expression in Tim's eyes. This wasn't a joke.
"Timothy, it's for you to know who you are."
Tim was shaking his head before Ducky finished.
"No. No...you have to tell me...when you know..." Tim looked away. "When you know the...the horrible... When you know...you have to tell me who I am."
Ducky knelt down in the grass beside Tim.
"Then, tell me, lad. Say what you have to say. I'll listen."
"What I did with Jewel... I only hated it at first."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Sarah looked wistfully at her phone and the returned it to her pocket and ran out the door with her friends. She'd be here for three more weeks and then it was back to DC. She hoped Tim would speak to her again.
She hoped that Tim would be himself again.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"After a while...it was what I wanted. ...even as that disgusted me."
"Why?"
"Jewel...she...she liked things that..." Tim shook his head. "I've done some...hinky things...but never like this. ...and I did...and I hated it... ...but at the same time...at the same time, it was so easy to do...to enjoy...even when I thought that I might throw up. She liked it when I hurt her."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"Matt? Judith?"
They stood up nervously.
"Meet your new son."
Judith was there first, taking the tiny baby in her arms.
"Matt, look at him. He's perfect."
Matt joined her, wrapping his arms around them both.
"Welcome to the family," he whispered.
"He's so small."
"Only six pounds, but I don't think that will be a hindrance. He's healthy."
"It doesn't matter," Judith said. "It doesn't matter at all."
"Christopher Runo Tamson. You're beautiful," Matt said.
"Does she want–?" Judith began.
"No. She said she didn't want to see him."
"All right."
"He's all yours."
"We have a son, Matt. We have a son."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"Jewel...she...liked hurting me. She would say she was sorry but she wasn't. ...and I never... I never told them what she was."
"What is that?"
"She watched me. When I was working. She hovered around me, making sure that I didn't do anything wrong. She failed there...but every time she came up behind me...she would...touch my neck, sometimes blow on it...just to watch me react. ...and I always did. I couldn't help it. I couldn't get away from her. ...but I didn't really want to anyway. I wanted her around."
"Why?"
"Because she's the only one who let me be who I chose to be. ...even though I didn't feel like I was choosing." Tim shook his head. "It doesn't make sense. I can't explain how I felt. ...not about that."
"Then, what?" Ducky asked, seeing Tim's growing discomfort.
"Every night, Ducky. Almost every night. I had sex with her and...and I know it had to happen, but it wasn't because I wanted it to happen. It was because...because it had to. I had to...to... do all that to her. It should have been...just the job. Something I did because it was necessary. ...and it was...but at the same time...I liked it."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tony put in another movie. As the Lucasfilm logo came up, he smiled. Sometimes, it was great just to watch one of these movies and not think. This was one of those days.
It was hard not to think, though. He wondered how Tim was doing. He wasn't sure when he had really become so concerned about everything that happened to Tim.
Since he went nuts and quit.
He tried to focus his attention on the screen.
...but it was hard.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"But she scared me, too. I spent so much time with her. So much time...and I...I wanted to be with her more than with...them. She was fun. She didn't...didn't ask for me to be anyone."
"Did you like her, Timothy?"
"Yes...no... I don't know." Tim looked up at the sky. Then, he looked away and whispered, "You shouldn't use people."
"Sometimes it's necessary."
Tim looked at Ducky earnestly. "No! You shouldn't use people because you like the sex! That's what I did! Yes, I had to get involved with her...but I didn't have to keep going back! I didn't have to do that! ...but I did it! I might as well have been using a prostitute...only her pay was the work I was doing. ...and then... ...then, Tony... he said..." Tim closed his eyes tightly.
"What, Timothy?"
"That's one way of breaking up. ...as if that's why I killed her! ...but it wasn't! ...but..."
"What, Timothy?"
"But I liked killing her. Just like having sex with her when I didn't have to. I could have done something else, but I killed her...because she didn't appreciate me enough, because she passed me over like everyone else does. I'm such a...it's sick! Twisted! Who does that?" Tim's voice cracked.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Ziva slowed her pace and then walked to a bench on the side of the running trail. She remembered the first day that she and Tim had ended up running at the same time. It had been funny because she was usually so focused on her run that she didn't pay attention to anything besides the trail. Tim had actually shouted at her to get her attention.
Ziva smiled in recollection...and then she sobered and shook her head. How had she let her perceived superiority take the place of their friendship? What had been going through her mind that had made her believe that it was more important for her to be better than to be good at her job? ...than to be a good friend? What was wrong with her?
With a sigh, she stood up and resumed her run. It was hard to get back in the groove having interrupted her pace, but she managed fine.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim was looking at his hands as if seeing them stained with blood.
"That's why you have to tell me who I am, Ducky," Tim said, tears in his voice. "Because I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't think that. ...but I did. I did it. I liked it...and I don't know... I need to be locked up. People aren't safe with me around. I do such horrible things. ...and...I...I killed Jewel because I wanted to."
"Timothy..."
Tim shook his head. "No, Ducky. You can't make this go away. The only way I can is by focusing on everything else. It's better to breakdown than to...to see that. To remember her and how much she attracted and repelled me at the same time."
"You're mistaken, Timothy."
"What? You can?" Tim asked, managing to sound sarcastic even though his voice was choked.
"No, I can't make it go away. I never could. ...but you're mistaken that the only way to deal with it is by ignoring its existence. That hasn't helped you so far. What do you think you dream about if not the very things you refuse to deal with in the waking world?"
"It keeps me here," Tim said.
"Does Dr. Lewis know all this?"
Tim nodded slowly, staring blankly across the lawn. "He says that I can accept it. He's wrong. I can't. I can't accept the way I felt. Not now. I can't accept being the kind of person who felt only satisfaction when committing murder! What makes me any different from the people I was going after?"
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
He wanted this project to be unique. Even with the plans, it would be different. Gibbs looked over to the burnished metal sheets standing in the corner. He hadn't ever worked with metal in this way. It would be an experiment of the first order...particularly since he was still using his hand tools.
The wood he was currently smoothing was dark, almost black. It was a hard wood. Sturdy. Strong...and a pain in the neck to work with. This project would likely take months to finish.
All to the better. He needed the time.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"Timothy, do you know what I see when I look at you now?"
Tim looked at Ducky and shook his head mutely, but his eyes conveyed the fear he felt, the disgust with himself...all those things which had combined to tear a good man down. He was still too thin. His eyes with the ever-present dark circles. More than those physical indications, there was something in the way he sat on the ground, the way he held himself. He constantly expected an attack, whether literal or figurative didn't matter. Tim was damaged. He was afraid of what he had done, that it had destroyed him.
"I see a young man who has made progress," Ducky said firmly even as Tim tried to deny it. "Let me finish, Timothy. I don't know if you could possibly understand how I felt that night you showed up on my front steps. I don't think I could describe it. I was horrified at how close you seemed to being lost. I feared you had been. I was terrified at the idea that you had managed to slip away from us. Now...now, Timothy, rather than losing control at the slightest provocation, you are cautious. Fearful, yes...but not lost. You look better than you did. You are better. Fully? Perhaps not."
"Definitely not," Tim mumbled.
"Yes. But you have so much potential, so much ahead of you."
"What?" Tim asked. "I have...what? I can't go back to NCIS."
Ducky decided not to comment on that when he noticed Tim's instant tension at the mention of his former place of employment.
"I don't have a job. I don't have any prospects. I have friends, I guess...but for how long when they realize what scum I am?"
"I am not rejecting you, Timothy," Ducky said simply. "You have told me, and I am not rejecting you."
"Why not?" Tim asked. "Please, tell me why not. You should."
"No, I shouldn't. I don't reject friends on the basis of mistakes they made."
"It's hardly a mistake."
"Timothy, your mistake was keeping every fear you had, every uncertainty, every moment of anger buried so deeply that no one could help you. That was your mistake. Burying all that, it festered and it changed you. No, you didn't become a whole other person, but you changed...as you had to do. To deal with all that was dropped on your plate, you had to change yourself. That change should have been monitored and it wasn't. It almost became permanent...but it is not."
"I killed her, Ducky."
"Could you have done something to save her life at that moment? I couldn't venture to say. You saved your teammates, Timothy, even while you hated every breath they took. You still saved them. That says much for you, I think."
Tim shook his head.
"Yes, it does. Your actions after were perhaps not the most kind, but they were also much less vicious than they could have been. You could have done much worse than to insult them. You could have done much worse than yell at Gibbs. You could have done much worse...and done so with ease. You chose not to do that. That is a good thing and something that deserves acknowledgment."
"I shouldn't have been the one to go undercover. They were right," Tim said. "They were right about me."
"No, Timothy. It's not about that. It is about how you recover. You are on the way now...and that kind of blame will not help you."
"Am I really?"
"Yes."
"I still have the nightmares."
"Those will fade as you face what you did and the results of those actions."
"How can you not despise me for this?"
"Because I'm your friend, Timothy. That matters. You are a good man and generally a good friend."
Tim smiled a little but then he looked back down to the grass.
"I don't understand something."
"What's that?"
"Why is it that you can accept all these horrible things I've done...and still be my friend... and my team couldn't accept anything good that I did?"
Ducky sighed. "I don't know, lad."
"I just don't understand."
