Chapter Six
Lost In My World…Without You
No one had any hope of Matt adjusting to the way his life had abruptly changed. Hell neither did Matt. After his fifteenth birthday he began to really cut himself off from everyone around him. He didn't acknowledge anyone around him, walking around numbly. Though he did still prefer to stay in his room, he was forced to come out unless he wanted to be removed. He had to write a test every month to track his smarts and he still fell in third, some other kid passing him.
Soon his hair was past his eyes which rarely weren't puffy or red and he had lost a total of thirteen pounds. His already pale skin was paler than it had ever been and he was probably going to kill himself with the amount of smoking he had done. But he didn't care. He wanted Mello back, he would do anything to have the blonde hold him again. He wanted to feel those arms around him, he wanted to feel the warm lips pressing against his, he wanted to actually hear Mello telling him he loved him.
And he would have killed himself if it weren't for the sliver of hope that someday Mello would come back.
Seventeen years. About 6209 days of life. And over a million tears spilled. Matt sat under the tree, which after over two years had grown to be even bigger than he thought possible for its kind. It provided a large circle of shade and he sat under it, leaning against its thick trunk.
The seventeen year old boy had changed physically over the past two and a half years. His red hair, which he had eventually cut himself, fell just over his eyes. Which, his eyes, had begun to get less puffy, mostly just looking distant. He had grown taller and eventually, as he began to eat again, he had gotten back to a healthy weight. His goggles he still wore as well – mostly to hide his eyes from the world around him. Mello said he had loved his eyes, so he wasn't going to share them with anyone else. He still wore his usual red and white striped shirt with faded jeans, and altogether you could say he looked better than he had those dreaded months after Mello had left.
Emotionally he guessed he had changed too, but definitely less. His heart was still in pieces, he still cried, he still begged and prayed for Mello to come back – but he was considerably better. He still said his "I love you Mello" every night and wished the blonde good morning every time he woke, so his longing for Mello never changed. He had nightmares of finding Mello dead one day, but he had dreams of Mello coming back and loving him like he had the last night the redhead saw him. He always remembered that night. He refused to look at any other person the way he had at Mello, though new people did come and some tried to get close to him. He didn't allow it. Roger didn't bother trying to put another male in Matt's room, knowing just how well that would work out. Besides, everyone still heard the muffled sobs at night anyways.
But in people's eyes Matt was 'better'. Better enough to attend class, though he did skip sometimes. Better enough to test, better enough to be assigned homework. Though everyone kept their appropriate distance from the male, everyone could easily tell Matt was in some state of depression. But it was almost like he…accepted the idea. He loved Mello, he was sure Mello loved him, but Mello was gone. He was depressed, he cried, he wished, he dreamed. And he was perfectly aware o this all – and he didn't care. He didn't mind feeling that pain, because he loved Mello. It was apparent to everyone that he loved Mello. And he would never stop.
He had memorized the blonde's letter, he cherished it, but despite its demands he didn't bother listening to them. He never showed anybody, he kept it to himself. It was his and Mello's secret – just the same as how close they actually were. No one would ever know. It seemed Matt was lost in his world, lost in his dreams, just…lost. To the point where he would whisper to Mello. He would talk to the blonde, tell him everything. How life at Wammy's was, how he missed him, he told Mello about every dream he had even if they were bad and he always told Mello he loved him. And he prayed Mello could hear him.
Matt had long since switched beds – he now slept in Mello's old bed. He cuddled into the blankets the way he would in Mello's arms and surrounded himself with pillows to feel less alone. He would stare out the window until finally his eyes closed. That night though his emerald eyes wouldn't close the way they should have. He stared at the bright moon, spilling silvery light into the room, and remembered his times with Mello. He could remember their first kiss, those questions he'd had that had so quickly been answered by Mello's embrace, the way Mello had told him that Matt was his and his only to touch; he remembered the days that Mello got mad, he remembered the times he made the blonde laugh, he remembered those smiles that Mello saved solely for him…
His shoulders shook with silent sobs and tears welled up in his eyes, slowly rolling down his cheeks. He forced his eyes to close and pictured Mello. His memory was sharp for sure; he could remember the way Mello smelled to him, the way he felt with his arms around him. As he cried he drifted into a state that wasn't sleeping but simply dreaming. He was fully awake, but he didn't want to be so he was letting himself live in his dreams instead. In his dreams Mello was holding him beneath the night sky.
"Oh Matt." An amused voice said behind him.
His breathing sped and his green eyes widened, no…he was imagining it again. He felt soft lips press a kiss to the back of his neck and he almost screamed but a leather clad hand covered his mouth. He was silent then struggling to turn around. The male let him and soon they were staring at each other. Crystal blue eyes stared down into brilliant green ones and the same leather clad fingers caressed his cheek.
"Mello…" He breathed, lips beginning to tremble.
"No tears right now Matt, let's get outside first." Mello whispered.
His mind was spinning. How could this blonde suddenly appear? Mello had been gone for almost three years now. It was…impossible. But he watched Mello walk over to the window and open it with ease, on his knees on Matt's old bed.
"I see you took to my bed." He said with a smirk before disappearing out the window.
Matt, wearing only jeans, scrambled from the bed and out the window, dropping with that same ease just a bit shaky. He could see Mello walking in the dark and followed him until they reached the tree. Mello then turned to look at Matt. They both stood there looking at each other. What Matt saw was a taller, slim, blonde male that looked exactly like Mello. Blonde hair, feminine curves, rosary and bright blue eyes. Different from when they were younger, Mello had now taken to weather tight black leather. Leather pants that laced, a leather vest, black boots and leather gloves.
The blonde watched Matt stand there and tremble and stepped forward only seconds before the redhead moved closer. He fell into Mello's arms, which were already ready for him, and Mello let them drop to the long grass. Matt was sobbing into his shoulder, shaking almost violently in his arms. He was desperately touching Mello's face and hair, and Mello let him. An hour or so later Matt's sobs had finally quieted and they were left just laying there.
"Why are you back?" Matt asked. Mello sighed quietly, arms still wrapped around Matt's waist as the redhead rested his head on the older's chest.
"I needed to come get you Matt. I…I missed you." He admitted. Matt blinked and looked up.
"Then why did you leave?" He asked in a trembling voice.
"Because I had to Matt, I would have snapped if I stayed. And Matt, I had to make sure nothing between us changed." He said. Matt almost glared.
"Nothing between us changed? I cried every day Mello – you're the first person I've talked to in over two years." He snapped. Mello's eyes softened and he brushed hair back from Matt's face.
"Calm down Matt." He whispered. Matt did just that and sighed heavily. "I didn't want to end up losing my temper with you. I didn't want to fight. Remember that time I hit you when you let me vent out some anger? I hated myself for that."
"I can take a hit Mello." He whispered. Mello chuckled.
"I know." He said. They were silent again.
"I missed you too Mello. A lot." Matt admitted softly. Mello smiled up at the stars.
"Yeah, I'm glad." He said and chuckled.
"Are you leaving again?" Matt asked nervously. Mello took in a deep breath and nodded. Matt made a sad noise and looked like he would cry again.
"But you're coming with me Matt." Mello clarified. Matt blinked, green eyes confused.
"You want me…to come…with you?" He asked. Mello nodded.
"You can't live at Wammy's forever Matt. And you're obviously not happy here. So come with me, I'll show you what it's like to really live."
Matt was silent now and Mello watched him seriously. He looked up to meet that gaze and bit his lower lip anxiously. He would definitely leave with Mello, but if the blonde abandoned him again where would he go after that? He slowly nodded because he realized, he actually didn't care. Mello smiled down at him and tipped his chin up to press their lips together. Matt's lips trembled against Mello's but he kissed back.
"I love you Matt." Mello whispered when he pulled back, resting his forehead against the redhead's.
"I love you too." Matt breathed.
Matt knew that it might at first be a bit tough, but he realized that despite having Mello leave him he would always trust the male. He would trust him with his life and definitely trusted him with his heart.
"So it's just you and me?" Matt asked softly as they stared at the rising sun. Mello chuckled and kissed Matt's forehead.
"Us." He whispered.
