[Hello lovies! Cougar here. We took one of your requests to put Gaara on a talk show and decided to implement it. Music and I decided to write this chapter together, so it's getting a lot of back-and-forth editing. Because both of us are present in this chapter, we're putting it in third person, since we both can't write using "I". You'll notice both of our styles in here Hopefully you'll find yourselves amused as we try to answer eachother's questions as the insane redhead. A note to Gaarasgirl: This story is not in the same universe as "Why Gaara Loves Music". I wrote that as a little gift for her. I'mma fill ina buncha requests with this chapter.]
[-Waves- Hi everyone! This be Music. Basically I have nothing to say, otherwise I'd just be repeating everything Cougar just said- I just wanted to make my presence known, heh heh. So, yes. Technically this was supposed to be my chapter but I bitched about it enough that Cougar said she'd co-write with me, gods bless her. Aaaanyway, I'll shut it now- ENJOY!]
This chapter written by both MusicAgainstTheHeart and Baby Cougar. (Woots us!)
Chapter 16 – What do you mean it's not Jerry Springer?!
Ideas here by: Sillydarkrose, Anime1addictithon, Wolf Hidden in Moonlit Shadows, and WHAT?! NO LOBSTER?!
-Cues theme music-
-Audience claps/cheers-
-Camera turns to three individuals sitting in overstuffed chairs. Two girls and one male sit together in a half circle. The girls' smile pleasantly while the male's stoic expression causes the audience to grow dangerously quiet.-
"Hello! And welcome to-"
"Interrogation Station!" Screamed the audience.
"Thats right! Last time, we questioned the Hokage of the Hidden Leaf Village."
-Cameras turn to big screen. It has "Last time, on Interrogation Station" in bold letters, then turns to a video of a spikey-blonde haired boy standing on one of the chairs, sticking out his tongue and giving a peace sign straight into the camera. "I'm Hokage, believe it!" he said excitedly while the hosts gave a strained smile and gave a gesture to the unseen cameraman to go to commercial.-
-The camera turns back to the three people-
"Today, we are here with the Kazekage of the Hidden Sand Village- Gaara of the Desert!
The screen above them flashes "Gaara of the Dessert" in bright colors, some of the audience members laughed, others eye the red head wearily as he gives the two hosts a withering glare.
"Ahem, so, Gaara! Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?" The shorter of the two girls sat foreword in her chair, hands clasped together in her lap.
"I'd rather not."
"Awh, come on!"
"Yes Gaan Gaan," Music said, eyes sparkling with mischief, "come on!"
Gaara rubbed his forehead, and Music got the feeling that he was desperate to get rid of that nickname, before it completely skewered his reputation. Or worse – he got used to it.
Gaara shifted, knowing that the two girls weren't going to let him go until he answered all their godforsaken questions. Hah! To think he'd been bribed here with the promise of Chips Ahoy! Blasphemy.
"Fine. I am Gaara of the Sand. I have one brother and one sister. I used to be a jinchuuriki of the One-Tailed Shukaku," at this, Cougar noted that the atmosphere in the crowd had altered, "...but I still possess the ability to manipulate sand. Anyone care to see?"
The cork popped off his gourd and the sand started trickling in the two hostess' direction.
"Ahh... that's enough. I'm sure they believe you, Gaara. Now, for the next question..." Cougar flipped to the next notecard, leaning over to show Music for approval, before resuming to ask the question. "You've been alternately sharing residence with both Music and myself for the past year or so now. What made you do it, and how do you like it? Have you fallen for one of us?" Cougar winked dramatically at the boy, nudging Music. Probably not; at the rate they were going, he'd be more apt to kill them.
The boy let out a breath, crossing his arms and sitting back in his chair, "Well, its not like I had much of a choice. With the ever persistent Author Powers, I don't have much of a say. As for how I like it, I don't."
"So your saying your weak and are not match for our Author Powers?" Music said slyly.
Gaara was about to retort with a curt "No.", but with the magic that is Author Powers, he said, "Yes. That is precisely why."
The crowd let out an "Awww!" Half because they pitied him, the other because a flashing screen told them to.
Music nodded, as if she completely understood what the poor Kazekage was going through. "I completely understand." Okay. Maybe she did. To some extent. Or...not. "But you've ignored the question of whether or not you have taken a liking to either of us." She pressed, while smoothly checking her appearance in the camera's reflection.
"No," He said dully.
From Music's peripheral vision, she saw an audience member raise her hand. Turning in the general direction of the crowd, she raised her chin in acknowledgment. "Yes? Is there something you would like to say?"
A black haired beauty with red lips stood, aloof. "Ah, yes. I believe the reason Gaara has no interest in either of you is for he is madly in love with me."
"No way! He's in love with me!" Yelled a blonde indignantly.
"No! ME!"
"Which!" Music said loud enough to be heard over the crowd, "brings us to our next question: Gaara, how do you deal with all of your, ah, charming fangirls?"
Gaara put a hand to his temple, rubbing away the vein that was threatening to burst.
"I'd really like to tell you how I deal with them, but if I show you, you might have to immediately cut to commercial break." He shot a wave of killing intent over the audience, and the mindless chatter ceased instantly. Yea... Cougar had seen what he was capable of. It was a mistake letting him bring his gourd onto the show. Music and her have to pay a lot to use this airtime! Cougar got up, waltzing over to Gaara's armchair (My, weren't the seating arrangements on talkshows lovely?) and sat on the arm of his chair, sending a sly look to all the seething fangirls out there. One of them waved a swatch of cloth; Oh! She was the one who had snatched his sleeve? Gaara immediately removed his arm from the rest, scooting to the side of the chair. "Ask your damn question."
Cougar laughed. "Okay, okay. Why is it that you insist on putting up with us alone? Why not make your brother or sister suffer with you? Or bore us to death by having one of us help you? I know we have Author Powers, but you're a very powerful individual. We can't capture ALL the details."
Gaara opened his mouth, then closed it. He opened it again, but nothing was coming to mind.
"Careful, leave it like that and flies will get in." Music muttered, loud enough for him to hear. He then promptly closed it. Again.
"Come on Gaara, throw us a bone here. Why the heck would you voluntarily put up with Cougar and I?"
"I suppose it all started that day I was keeping watch at the East Tower." He said thoughtfully. "It was just about time for me to switch out with another guard when I saw a flock of desert-native birds flying overhead. One of the birds, the leader, or at least I assume it was the leader since it was in front of the other birds, suddenly fell from the sky, and landed with a thud in the sand."
Music looked to Cougar, whom looked to Music. They silently motioned to the camera-crew to dim the lights, and put a spotlight on the red head, setting the Storytelling mood.
"Its siblings, the other birds, kept flying, not bothering to stop and help their fallen brother, and a new bird pulled in front, making itself the new leader. The abandoned bird lay there, still and forgotten, until a colony of ants came by and picked up the bird. They carried it to its nest, were I can only assume they brought it in, healed its injuries, and made it their leader."
The tallest of the two hosts quirked an eyebrow. That was a pretty big assumption, since desert ants eat dead and/or dying creatures. Including birds. Eh, but why spoil the moment for him? Instead she said:
"So, lets see if I can rephrase here- you are the leader bird. You "fell" from the sky and your bird siblings abandon you, so you rely on the ants- thats us- to take care of you."
"Yes."
"Oh, okay. Next question: What's your opinion of hair extensions?"
"...Hair extensions? I don't really care. If you wanted your hair long, you shouldn't have cut it off."
Cougar got up cheerfully from the armrest, beaming at the cameras and the audience.
"Next up: We're going to have some special guests! We'll meet them after these commercial breaks."
The audience cheered, then started filtering out for bathroom breaks. Cougar went back over to Music, ignoring Gaara (Who was setting out for a bathroom break himself) and checking Music's card.
"Who's next on the lineup?"
"Well, first we gotta get Gaara to change, and then it's-"
"SHIT! YOU FUCKERS DON'T TOUCH ME! WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE!?"
"- it's the religious fellow with Tourette's Syndrome. After that is the movie screen."
Cougar blinked, having a hard time beleiving Music was able to ignore that yelling. The audience giggled when they heard the shouting. Cougar, however, went in the back to hunt down Gaara. She searched him out, grabbing the dress from the hanger. She called out to a couple of the backstage crew men, requesting backup, before jumping Gaara when he came out.
"HOLD HIM DOWN!"
With the help of the two men, we efficiently stripped Gaara down, got a pink frilly lolita dres on him, and I clasped the heart necklace around his neck. Making sure his eyeliner was good, I handed him the pink wand, which he clung to furiously, face almost beet-red.
"What the FUCK."
"Better not take it off. You're not getting your clothes back until later."
"You didn't tell me ANYTHING ABOUT THIS."
She shrugged. "It was in the script."
"Err... Miss Cougar? It's almost time..."
"Ohh... snap. Come on, Gaara!"
"Wait-"
Not stopping, she grabbed his wrist and ran back out onstage, and he stumbled in his little princess shoes, holding down the ruffles of his skirt and staring angrily at the audience.
"Laugh, and die."
He took his seat.
Cougar stood up proudly.
"Ladies and gentlemen, time to meet our special guest. Please welcome the acclaimed Jashinist, Hida-"
"DAMN IT!! I TOLD KAKUZU NOT TO POST THAT VIDEO DIARY OF ME IN THE SHOWER! WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS??, SNEAKING UP ON A DEFENSELESS SHINOBI WHILE HE INNOCENTLY SINGS "FIREFLY" IN BETWEEN MY FIRST SHAMPOOING AND THEN SECOND SHAMPOOING CUZ THE DAMN BOTTLE SAID 'REPEAT IF DESIRED'!!! NOW I'M GETTING PUT ON T.V. SHOWS BECAUSE IT GOT MORE THEN A MILLION HITS!!! DAMN HIM TO HELL!!!"
It suddenly occurred to the Akatsuki member that he wasn't just talking (screaming) to himself. It also gave him the idea that maybe the microphone that dick-headed ass of a assistant gave him was turned on. Hmm, well, one thing was certain, two things, actually.
One- Everyone, that being the 700million viewers, had heard his not-so-private outburst.
Two-He was going to murder Kakuzu when he got home.
"Well hello there, Hidan." Music said, standing and offering a hand to the man. He ignored it, taking in his surroundings. There was an audience, two hostess's and one crossdressing red head. The crowd waited with a baited breath, wondering what Hidan would do.
"Did I say "Firefly"? I meant "Hit the Floor"...heh."
"Of course you did. Anyway, the reason you are here is not for the entertaining video of you serenading to your rubber duck-" at this Hidan started to protest, but Music ignored him. She didn't just offer a handshake to anyone. And when they pay no mind to the hand, she gave them the cold shoulder. "-but to teach-" she glanced back down at the notecards in her hand, making sure she read them correctly, "-Sex Ed to our lolita dressed friend over there." She jabbed a thumb in Gaara's general direction.
Said Kazekage expected the Akatsuki member to start ranting about how there was NO way he would ever do such a thing. He was sadly disappointed.
"I, ah, hmm. Sex Ed you say?"
The girl nodded.
The man clasped his hands together almost excitedly. "Alright then!" He practically skipped over to Gaara's chair and knelt in front of him. "Now Gaara, the way the Birds and the Bees typically works is that when a man and a woman fall in love. or they think their in love, or a man and a man or a woman or a woman fall in love, I don't judge, but things work differently if your a homosexual compared to those of us that are heterosexual. For example, say you where homosexual and I'm heterosexual-"
"Why do I have to be the homosexual?"
"It doesn't matter whose the homosexual, Gaara. This is just an example."
"So then why don't you be the homosexual?"
"Because I don't want to be."
"You just said you don't judge."
"I don't see what the problem is, since you are homosexual."
This got everybody dead quiet, even the two girls on stage looked on with interest.
If looks could kill, Hidan would have been beaten, poisoned, stabbed, burned alive, shot, suffocated, drowned, and run over by a truck.
"What," the boy said between gritted teeth, "did you say."
"Hey man, I'm just going by the facts- you got 470 fanfics with Lee, 1074 with Naruto, 295 with Sasuke, 232 with Neji and even 4 with Chouji- and you've like never even met the guy!"
"Then how do you explain your 364 with Kakuzu?"
Hidan shrugged, "Maybe he's the queer, or sick people just like to get their kicks from pairing up two normal guys."
Gaara was standing now, ready to beat the crap out of this guy. Hidan saw it coming and stepped away from him. Music recognized his drawing-circle stance and cued the cameramen to go to commercial, not that she minded if the two went at each others throats, but the show was rated PG, and it was a part of the contract that the girls had signed- they had to keep it PG.
Cougar could do nothing more than facepalm. Geez... "Alright, alright, now that the audience is getting terrified, it's time for Hidan to go."
"Well, what the shit, I was just getting started!"
"Hidan. You look like you're getting ready for Halloween. Get yo black-and-white ass self off stage before we call security."
Hidan laughed, scaring a few more audience members. "As if I couldn't kill and securi-"
"HIDAN. Come on. We're not going to make any profit if you're screwing around here."
Tentacle-like threads came from nowhere, wrapping the priest and lifting him offstage, a stream of curses trailing behind. Cougar's eyes followed them to their source, and Kakuzu tipped his police hat before stepping backstage and most likely leaving. Well, okay then. Cougar signaled for the show to come on again. Man, this was dangerous stuff. She put on a big smile.
"Sorry about that. Akatsuki members are a little tough to handle these days. Now then, we have a video clip we want to show you, and then we'll ask Gaara a few questions! But first-" she turned to Gaara, who immediately put his guard up, "-Gaara! It is apparent you like to dance. Was it Lee's idea, or were you the initiator?"
Gaara shifted in his pink lace. "I can assure you I have no idea what you're talking about."
Cougar smiled, and then clapped her hands. A video screen rolled down in the back of the stage, and music started playing over the speakers.
"Do, do doo...
Yeah-eah-eah, yeah
Vi undrarar ni redo alt vara med
Armarna upp nu ska ni fa se
Kom igen
Hvem som helst kan vara med..."
The video came on, and it showed Gaara of the Desert, next to Rock Lee, dancing to the Caramelldansen. As the two boys on screen twisted their hips and waved their hands, Cougar turned to look at Gaara, who was absolutely fuming. There was a cracking sounds, and he dropped his wand, the part in his fist having been crushed to a fine powder. The song continued on, and the audience was in a fit of giggles. Two minutes later, the clip ended, and the screen rolled back up.
"Well, Gaara? What do you have to say about it now?"
Music saw it first.
The sand slithered from his gourd like a viper. It floated effortlessly, poised, ready to strike and deliver a deadly blow. Ahhh, but Music was ready.
I love you
You love me
We're a happy fam-il-y
With a great big hug
And a kiss from me to you
Won't you say you love me too?
From stage-left entered a purple dinosaur. With its green spots and beady black eyes, it entertained the young while striking fear in the hearts of the old. As well as providing comic-relief for those in between.
This effectively stopped the sand in its tracks, just like she new it would. Or, hoped rather.
Turning to the audience, Music waved a hand in the new guests' direction, "Everyone, please say hello to Barney the Dinosaur!" There was polite clapping and a few whistles, Music herself hid her disgust as the thing in costume gave a mechanical laugh.
"Gaara, please says hello to Barney! And for sands sake, put it away!"
The sand sunk to the floor obediently and Gaara crossed his arms, sulking.
"Good, now why don't you give the nice abominatio- I mean adorable plushie a hug?"
"Hell no."
"Pwease?"
"No."
The thing gave another laugh and even Gaara flinched. "If I do will it go away?"
"Yeah, I guess."
The boy glared at the dinosaur, hoping it would burst into flames. No such luck.
The very idea of coming in a five foot radius of the thing made his skin crawl. No way would he give it a hug, nope. No amount of Author Powers or Cheetos could make him. But he wanted it gone. Now.
And that's when it all went to hell.
In one fluid motion, the cork popped off his gourd and sand flew out, straight at the purple mass. Everyone expected to see an explosion of blood and gore, but instead, Barney dodged the attack.
It cackled, making all these mechanical noises.
"I know that noise!" Shouted an audience member. "It sounds just like-"
Barney then opened up, showing off deadly spikes soaked in poison.
"-Kankuro's puppets."
The Barney Puppet did a little dance, all the while shooting off several deadly weapons in the Kazekage's direction. His sand blocked them all, while the offense attacked, wrapping itself against the creepy thing and snapping it in half.
Silence.
"What?" Music said poking her head over one of the chairs. "Its over already?"
"Well, Music. It IS only an hour-long show."
Cougar tutted her; she should have known that. She came out from behind the guest couch, having previously been bent over in a fit of laughter. She'd just watch the tape later. She came back onto stage, kicking away some pieces of Barney.
"Alright folks, it's getting close to that time-"
"Awwwwh!"
"Ahem. The show's nearly coming to an end. Gaara, do you have any last words?"
Gaara stood up, and patted down the wrinkles in his skirt. He turned towards Music and Cougar, eyes gleaming with pure wrath and hatred as the cameras got ready to cut, and the audience started to file out. "Yeah, just one thing: I fucking hate you."
Cougar tutted. "Mind your language."
