My Dearest Morphine
Chapter 5: Predicament
For all this time, I believed that my patients were healed because of my words of reassurance. But now, now that I know that my powers, not my graceful speaking abilities, did all that, I feel different. It's as if my pride suddenly disappeared. What I was confident in is now gone. I was merely an awkward young woman with a strange healing ability. Without it, I was nothing. Nothing.
I was scared, especially around Mr. Hiiragizawa as he was the one who made me realize this. As I uncovered the problems between him and his wife, I seemed to discover more about myself. Maybe it was because I had never dealt with a magical case before, at least, never a case that was obviously linked with magic. In every conversation, something about magic surfaced. Whether it was about how they met, what made them different, and what kept them apart, it always came back to magic.
The plum blossoms still fell from the trees, as if enchanted. Yet the petals never seem to disappear from the trees and accumulate on the ground. It was just a cycle of endless white petals falling from the sky. In this mysterious garden, Mr. Hiiragizawa seemed most at ease. It was understandable as the falling of the petals comforted me as well.
"Two months ago," he said after a pause where we both sipped some light scented tea into our systems. "Kaho suddenly barged into my study room late one night after she got off the phone to declare that our marriage was in ruins."
"Did she clarify on anything?"
"She said that it was 'fundamentally wrong.'"
"… are you cheating on her?" I asked immediately, without thinking. Then, I realized who I was speaking to.
"Excuse me?" he asked in disbelief. "Of course not."
"Right…," I murmured to myself in embarrassment, "and she's obviously not cheating on you. Or else, she wouldn't have said that." I paused, thinking for other possibilities. "I'm not sure about this but since your relationship is somewhat based on your past lives, this problem might be too."
"You mean, Kaho discovered something about our shared past?"
"Yes, something apparently disturbing that would make future relationships 'fundamentally' wrong."
After I searched through a list of possibilities in my head, it dawned upon me. But it was… almost impossible. If I told him without Kaho's confirmation, I would be making a grave mistake. Yet somehow, it seemed very likely. It would explain their attraction to each other, how their eyes immediately recognized each other even if they had never met before. They were indeed soul mates, a different kind of soul mates. Ones that weren't meant to love each other like this.
"I…need to speak to Kaho," I sighed. "I'm sorry."
He gave me a grave look, understanding that I had discovered something would debase their entire relationship. I could see the curiosity and fear in his eyes, his desire to know but stay ignorant at the same time. He wanted their marriage and love to stay the same forever; he preferred their routinely habits of isolation.
I could have left at that time, just walk out on him. If we had discussed further, I would unwillingly let something unwanted slip. And then, I would inflict pain on him. He looked so pitiful. He was such an honest and naïve man, yet so wise. We stayed in the silence for a while. Nothing was exchanged between us. He didn't need further comfort or explanations; he just sat there, looking at the white petals fall.
"They are beautiful, aren't they?" he said almost dreamily, "I'm glad that you requested them. I think that I'm going to keep them in the garden all winter and then switch to cherry blossoms."
"That sounds delightful," I encouraged his change of topic. Sometimes, it was helpful for patients to divert their minds. For Mr. Hiiragizawa, his love for gardening would do the trick. "Does Kaho love the gardens too?"
"Yes, she does," he leaned into his chair and relaxed his shoulders, "she loves the gardenias. But it was time for a change."
I gave him a smile, appreciating his effort to bring changes into his life. It was about time too. They were both so secluded. The only contact they had with the outside world was Kaho's lawyer cases. Mr. Hiiragizawa obviously did not discuss about those so he stayed even more in oblivion. A few days before, I took the chance to take a look at the books that he had written. The books were so … deep, so traditional. He was wise enough to know everything about the world except about himself. When it came to his own life, he was an idealist, a true fool.
"May I hold your hand?" he asked almost timidly. He seemed cold; his body shook feverishly.
I could not object to his wish when I saw his pitiful and needy composure.
His hand was so cold that it sent shivers up my spine. It was as if he was a cold-blooded animal in the middle of hibernation, stuck in an ignorant state, separated from the rest of nature. I understood why he sought after my hand. Perhaps he wanted to not only feel my healing touch but also the warmth of a human.
"Do Kaho and you have sex often?" The question flowed out of my mouth for therapeutic purposes and curiosity. I sensed his hand tense for a moment but the stiffness disappeared just as quickly as it appeared. Perhaps he was surprised that I would mention such an intimate topic so openly.
"We used to, or something like that," he looked away, as if ashamed, "whenever Kaho came back home on time. But we haven't… since she mentioned that it was 'fundamentally wrong'."
"Ah, I see."
A week ago, when Eriol Hiiragizawa stormed into my room, I thought that he was the most arrogant bastard in the world. He believed that I owed my services to him and that he would buy me over. Slowly, however, I realized that he was right. He had no ways to express his vulnerability so he put on an act of arrogance. He was so secluded that he forgot how to deal with normal human beings. He admitted that he talked to no one but his wife and editor. It was a lonely existence, and when the most important person in this world, Kaho, drifted away, it was no wonder that he was falling apart. He was such a pitiful thing… so high and respected in society yet at the bottom when it came to any social aspects. He was a bird, caught in a gold cage, in his luxurious mansion. As the bird keeper who kept his heart stable suddenly left, he didn't know how to develop wings on his own. Maybe I was the one to free him.
"You would make a good mother," he suddenly commented wisely.
"Excuse me?" I blinked back in confusion.
"You would make a good mother," he repeated.
'You would make a good mother for me,' his eyes seemed to say. Yet, his hand, as his thumb stroked my hand in an absent manner, seemed to suggest something else. I took no attention to it and merely thanked him for his compliment.
"Goodbye then," I said as I withdrew my hand. He seemed disappointed, wanting to stay in the same position for eternity, watching the plum blossoms dance in the wind.
"Goodbye Ms. Daidouji," he smiled as he spoke, "Kaho will be free Friday night. She said that she prefers meeting you in a restaurant. I will call you later to inform you of the exact time and place."
"Sounds good."
So Kaho preferred an outside setting, probably somewhere chic, as opposed to her husband who prefers the comforts of the confining mansion. I almost smirked to myself as I thought of their incompatibilities. If those two weren't soul mates, I mused, they would have never gotten together. Except for some exchange of wisdom and sensuality, the two shared nothing. Yet, somehow, they were the perfect couple. Each complemented the other.
As I walked myself out of the mansion, I looked back to the beautiful garden. Mr. Hiiragizawa still stood there in solitude, under the plum blossoms. The petals slowly stopped falling and for a moment the trees were bare. The sight was depressing: the previous beauties of nature were naked and dying. Slowly, he looked up to the top of the trees and his shoulders slumped. Reaching to a rather thin trunk, he concentrated. A soothing light that gleamed brighter than the afternoon sun soon enveloped the tree. When the light disappeared, the petals returned to the tree. But the man, I thought, seemed so exhausted from his efforts. He leaned against the tree and slowly slid down so that he sat on the ground. He picked up a few petals with his fingers and felt their soft textures. Then, closing his eyes, he entered a state of meditation.
I looked to my hands and shook my head to myself. I promised myself to use all my powers to help this man, this lovely, handsome, pitiful, ignorant, wise, and deserving man who belonged in another world.
What I was most afraid of, was that I would hurt him in return. From what I could see, there was no perfect solution to their problem. They were so entangled in each other's life that any change could alter everything. And it seemed that Mr. Hiiragizawa was the most vulnerable one; he would be the one left with nothing in the end. A part of me unconsciously promised to help him beyond my duties as a healer. Perhaps… perhaps… as a friend.
Staring into the endless skies, I sighed. A friend. It was such a strange word. One that I had difficult to understand because I realized that I had none.
Author's Notes: It's getting better, I hope. I've given a lot of hints to what the problem between their relationship is but if you've figured it out, don't blurt it out :P Other readers will find out later.
I've started college and it's quite busy… but I'll still try to update.
Please review! I'll update faster that way.
