Garrus flicked the omni-tool on with a practiced motion of his hand. He stared at the orange glow around his hand for several seconds and then switched it off. There was no need to call home. Everything was alright. Besides, unless his luck with traffic was extremely bad this evening, he'd be able to get there in less than half an hour. He was just finished with the meetings and reports for today.
As he walked the short distance to the skycar landing pad, he felt the wind rising and his stomach sank. After a moment of pondering, he left the breather mask in his pocket. There's no way he'd put that thing on for such a short distance. It was just so wrong to wear breathing aid on your own planet.
Will the ruins ever be cleared? Will the jungle grow back to how it was before the war?
Someone clapped him on the shoulder from behind as he walked. Turning around, he realized it was Veros, his old colleague from C-Sec, now working as one of his bodyguards.
"Hey, Vakarian, wanna come down to the shooting range?" Veros spoke through the breathing mask.
Garrus tried his best to keep calm. All primarchs of Palaven had bodyguards ever since the dawn of the Hierarchy. And he was glad he had a familiar face watching his back, rather than a total stranger. Veros treated him like a buddy, not a VIP, but Garrus still had a hard time getting used to the fact that he needed a bodyguard in the first place.
"Sorry, Veros." Garrus shook his head, fighting a cough trying to escape from his irritated throat. "I have dinner waiting for me back home."
Normally, he'd accept the invitation. He did it often, with Veros and several other people he knew, and enjoyed it a lot. Shooting a gun calmed him down more than it should. However, the thought of Shepard waiting for him made his stomach sink again. He wasn't sure why. All was well with her in the morning, right?
Veros tried to grin through his mask. "You've become a real family man." The subharmonics of his voice revealed only harmless tease in his words, so Garrus subdued the wave of anger he experienced at first.
"Comes with being bonded," Garrus shrugged. Something inside him prayed, hoped that the conversation doesn't end up there.
Veros' gaze lingered on the ring on Garrus' second finger. Straightening, Garrus took it off and shoved it under the other turian's nose. "Human tradition. The circular shape symbolizes the bond between mates, and the durability of gold represents their hope for the longevity of their relationship." He put the ring back on, still trying to speak calm, although he wasn't sure for how long he could keep it up.
"Typical," Veros scoffed. "Humans think they can impose their traditions on us just because they helped us defeat the Reapers."
Garrus felt something snap inside of him, and with it he broke into a real coughing fit. Once he recovered, he started walked past his bodyguard. "She's wearing my markings, Veros," he said in the coldest and most dispassionate voice he could muster. "Only you can't see them, because she's stuck in the enviro-suit whenever she wants to peek outside."
"Vakarian… Vakarian, wait! I'm sorry! I… I didn't mean it like that!"
Garrus just shook his head and entered the skycar, not bothering to turn around. This kind of crap was the most difficult to deal with, he realized yet again. No matter how many times he's been through a conversation that ended there, he didn't find it any easier to bear. That cold anger was getting worse every time he experienced it.
Sighing, he tapped the skycar's screen to set the destination for home and leaned back in the seat. Not every turian was like this. Sometimes he'd get stopped by someone in the street approving of his bonding with a human, or he'd get a mail congratulating him and wishing all the best. He had to focus on the positive, or he would end up going mad.
Speaking of going mad, he sometimes admired Shepard on keeping it together. The occasional flashbacks and voices she heard were almost to be expected, given what she's been through. She fought them as proudly and relentlessly as she did the Reapers and Garrus felt pride, too. Pride that his bondmate coped with the past and her new duties as well as she did. He felt himself smiling at the thought of the nice, hot dinner that's awaiting him at home.
Who cares what the rest of the galaxy thinks? He and Shepard had each other, their own little shelter against the storm. No matter what horror happened in the past and what will happen in the future, they still had that.
The skycar landed, and Garrus hurried inside their home, eager to hug his wife and tell her how much he loved her. Something alarmed him as soon as he was through the door, though. There was no nice smell of the dinner ready or in making. It didn't smell like the weirdness that was levo food, either. Not even like burned food which would happen sometimes if she got "lost in thought."
There was no smell at all. And the lights were off, although the sun had set by then.
The first thing he noticed when he turned the lights on was Shepard's environmental helmet lying on the floor near the door. Then he heard a gasp coming from the living room, and saw her curled up on the couch with her eyes closed, almost in fetal position, with the rest of the suit still on.
Garrus swallowed hard and suddenly felt chilly. He didn't like feeling cold. He didn't like this. Kneeling down next to the couch, he touched her lightly. She gasped again and jumped up, moving away from his touch. It was almost like she… was afraid of him.
"Shep… it's me… just me."
She looked around the room in fear, before focusing her gaze on him again. Her mouth opened, as if she wanted to say something, but no sound came through.
What was going on? She had never behaved like that before. Garrus, feeling the chill increasing, reached for her hands and held them gently.
"What happened, love? Tell me."
There was a flicker in her eyes, as if she made a sudden decision.
"I saw him again. He was here."
"Who?"
"You."
She didn't make a lick of sense, and the chill Garrus felt turned into real fear.
Suddenly, she threw herself in his arms. Garrus held her tight and ran his talons slowly through her hair. "I'm… I'm going to get locked away, aren't I?" she asked in a strained voice.
It finally dawned on Garrus what was going on here. "You saw something… me… while I wasn't here?" he asked quietly. At the same time, he felt something heavy lying on his chest. What a goddamn fool he was.
She nodded. "I saw you… Several times today. Accusing me of killing many people. Saying you don't love me. I knew it couldn't be you, but it felt so real." A shiver racked her body. "When I heard you say 'love', I knew it was you, the real you. Still, it felt so real." Her face sank into his shoulder and she shivered again.
He was a real, true fool. He knew she's been blaming herself for what happened during and after the war, but it seemed like she was dealing with it well. Instead, the guilt spawned a hallucination, an abomination to torture her. Maybe, if he's been more supportive, instead of taking it for granted…
Garrus nuzzled her neck tenderly. "No one is going to lock you away. I'm here now and I love you. That's reality. That's the truth."
She lifted her head and pulled away from him. There were tears in her eyes. Garrus' heart ached, and at the same time it felt wrong. Shepard never cried. Ever.
"Is it?" she asked, her voice shaking. "You—he sat right there," she pointed at his favorite armchair, "like you do, and kept saying that I'm abusing your love for me. Isn't it true? Isn't it what I do?"
Garrus grabbed her by the shoulders and looked deeply into her eyes. "Listen to me," he began, his subharmonics deeper than usual, "this is how I feel." He didn't care if he was overly dramatic at this point. "I'm here now because I love you and want to be your bondmate. I mean it. You're not forcing me to do anything. Believe me, please."
She wiped the tears off her face and nodded. He wasn't sure if she was entirely convinced, but it was a start.
"So if that thing comes back, know that it's lying. The real Garrus is the one who loves you and isn't afraid to say it."
Her arms went around him, and she landed a small kiss on his mandible. Good. The L-word was still working.
"Also, I want you to tell me when it happens. I want to know. I want to be your support. I'm your bondmate and it's what I'm supposed to do."
Her eyebrows curved and her forehead wrinkled in a frown. "But-but you're struggling with… with memories, too. I saw it. It's not fair."
He brushed his forehead against hers. "There's no point in hiding from what we're going through. We'll support each other. No matter what happens."
It wasn't easy for him to admit that he's hurt and broken and needing her help. He could only imagine how it felt for her. She was the one who solved everything and helped everyone. But right now, the galaxy didn't need her. She could let herself relax and forget. If only her mind would let her do it.
Knowing that feeling well, he decided yet again to do anything in his power to help her with it. It was a decision he made a long time ago, and he didn't intend to back down from it.
"Garrus…" Shepard whispered in his ear. He adored when she did that. "I really don't know what I'd do without you." She tried to snuggle closer to him, but the enviro-suit got in the way. "I hate this thing," she half growled, half chuckled. "Has to ruin everything I do."
Garrus allowed himself to chuckle, too. Whenever she laughed, smiled or chuckled, even half-heartedly, he felt like everything was alright. He wondered sometimes if she knew about it, just like he knew what his declarations of love did to her.
Suddenly, he had an idea. This lack of closeness between them was really irritating and had to be rectified. "Let me help you with that," he said seriously. His hands deftly worked the releases on the suit, and in the next moment she shrugged it off, letting it fall to the floor.
"That was quick," she drawled lazily. "I remember when it took you a lot longer to take off anything that's human-made."
"I had a lot of practice," he replied, drawing her closer again. His talons ghosted along her facial markings. She loved to do this to him before the Crucible, and he was glad he could return the favor now. Her face leaned into his touch, and her body sidled up next to his. The warmth he felt radiating through her clothes made his heart beat really fast. "I don't mind practicing a bit more," he added, going along with the new sensation he felt.
She responded with lots of small kisses all over his mandibles. By her own words, she had a fetish for them, maybe even more than for his fringe. Garrus flexed them as wide as he could, letting her lips explore the inner, more sensitive side, too.
Her hallucinations didn't matter at this point anymore. The rest of the galaxy and its judgmental people didn't exist for them. They had each other.
Shepard stretched, exhausted and sated, and snuggled up next to her favorite turian lying sprawled in their bed. This evening they couldn't get enough of each other. The couch was just the beginning. She tried to make them some dinner, but they ended up having sex on the kitchen table, too. And now again, when they finally moved to the bedroom. It wasn't like their sex life suffered in any way usually, but she had never experienced hunger for him like tonight.
Well, maybe she had, if she allowed her mind to go back enough. This evening reminded her of the night before London. They were both desperate; nearly out of their minds with fear they won't have a chance to spend a night together ever again. They hadn't slept at all that night, pushing each other to the limits of their endurance. She felt something similar tonight, although this time her fear was to lose her mind. Was he feeling the same way? If he was, was he worried about losing his own mind, or was it his concern for her?
Shepard sighed quietly. Even with all the exhaustion in the evening and the long day before that she couldn't find sleep. The fear of her dreams, of the forest of ash and regrets, of all the people burning in it and the ghostly child and its accusations and choices wrapped around her again with its long tendrils. Garrus wasn't sleeping either. She could tell by his breathing.
"I'm afraid," she admitted, whispering in his ear. "I'm afraid to go to sleep. The dreams will return."
Garrus was silent for several moments and she felt her mind panicking. He said she should tell him when she feels bad, right? Right? He wouldn't think less of her—
"I dream of Sidonis sometimes," he finally spoke, and she understood the delay now. This was his weak point from the past. "Of what would've happened if I was faster and got to my squad earlier. Or what would've happened if I took the shot in that moment when you stepped aside and he ran away. What ifs… Our minds love to torture us with them."
He turned to face her fully now, and took her face between his palms. "But when I'm awake, I know I did all I could for my squad. It wasn't enough to keep them alive, but I did my best. As for Sidonis… His own conscience was punishing him enough. You showed me that, and prevented me from becoming a cold-blooded murderer. The same with you. You did your best. It wasn't enough for Tali or EDI, or for many other people, but you did what you had to do. You destroyed the Reapers. You ended the war. No one is asking you for more."
As always, his words had a magical effect on her. When she listened to the music of his voice and the echo of his subharmonics, she could almost believe it was true. Maybe this wasn't her fault. Maybe she could look at her image in the mirror without wincing. Maybe…
The exhaustion finally took over. She drifted off to sleep in his arms, lulled by the sound of his voice.
Her eyes began to flutter and then closed shut. Her breathing slowed down and her body relaxed. Garrus gently laid her head on the pillow. She was asleep. Finally.
If only he could fall asleep. This… wasn't good. Although the hallucination hadn't returned ever since he got home, he was certain it would. Even if by some miracle it didn't, Shepard was… not well. No matter how passionately they'd make love, how hard he attempted to soothe her mind, her doubts and fears would remain. There was no point in denying it anymore; his beloved bondmate needed help.
Garrus sighed and sat up. Shepard looked so peaceful as she lay next to him, but for how long? How long until she sits up, too, but screaming and clawing at him until she becomes aware of where she is? It happened too often for his liking, and with today's hallucination he had a feeling it would only get worse.
He needed to do something, but what? He couldn't stand the thought of someone taking Shepard away and locking her up any better than her, but they couldn't win this on their own. They would also have to be discreet about it. The media and their prying ways didn't change after the war. His work as primarch was closely monitored by various agencies across the galaxy, but so far he had managed to keep his private life out of it. They knew he and Shepard bonded, but nothing more. He could just imagine them latching onto the story of a mentally unstable war hero. That was the last thing Shepard needed.
There was only one doctor in this galaxy he trusted; the miracle maker of the Normandy, the one and only who saved his mandible and kept him alive through starvation. Although this wasn't her field of work, exactly, he was certain she could point them in the right direction. And, by the spirits, keep quiet about it.
Making the decision, he sneaked out of their bed, picked up his omni-tool and entered the bathroom. Better to make the call right now, than in front of all the prying eyes in his office, or when Shepard's awake. There was no way to predict how she'd react to his idea. If she woke up and went looking for him, he could tell her he just went to pee.
Dr. Chakwas responded to the calling signal he still had almost immediately to his great relief. The familiar, gray-haired head that appeared on the screen drove a lot of his anxiety away.
"Garrus? You finally remembered good old Karin Chakwas! How are things for you and Shepard?"
"Not good, I'm afraid," he cut to the chase right away, swallowing hard. "Shepard… needs help."
