Wow, thank you so much, everyone! I never expected this big of a response. My inbox was flooded with 'Story Alert' notifications, which means I should probably check my e-mail more frequently, but whatever.
I'm glad you all liked it, and special thanks to everyone who reviewed. You guys are the best! I'm so happy to hear that I got the Puck voice down. I don't know why, but these two characters are my favorite people to write, ever. The next chapter, we'll get a little bit from Rachel's perspective, which is hopefully fun and simultaneously enlightening.
I want to be clear that this story won't just be Rachel getting into trouble and Puck helping her all the time. This will be more about Rachel coming to terms with the fact that she doesn't need a knight because she can take care of herself. Plus, I think we all remember from the Pilot how manipulative she can be, so she's not going to be a paradigm of virtue or anything. Hopefully that doesn't bring her too far out of character for you guys, but we'll see what happens.
2. Shining Knight in White Armor
Puck stuck his head out of the bathroom first to make sure that there was no one still in the hallway, and then he beckoned to Rachel and moved aside to let her out. She practically floated out into the open, all silent and hesitant, and her arms were sort of flailing at her sides a little as she tried to keep her balance while still making absolutely no noise. If Puck could have thought of a word to describe it other than 'cute', then he totally would have used it because he didn't use the word cute. Ever. But he couldn't.
Which was totally lame.
Once Rachel had 'ascertained' (whatever the hell that was supposed to mean) that there was no one in the hallway waiting to ambush her with another round of slushies, she gestured to him and they started walking quickly through the empty school.
"Hold on, I gotta get something," he said when they reached his locker. And even though she was obviously freezing and turning sort of blue, she didn't complain. Which was weird because Rachel Berry was always complaining about the stupidest shit, and since this wasn't just stupid shit, logic said that she should be complaining even more than usual. And that was when he realized that she was trying really hard not to cry again.
He pulled open his locker with what was probably an excessive amount of force and grabbed his jacket and his keys. He didn't know why he felt the need to move so quickly, but he didn't want anyone to come into the hallway and see Rachel fighting back tears. He didn't want anyone to think that it was okay for them to laugh and point and say shit that didn't even make sense. Like that she was ugly (because she wasn't) or had man hands (because she didn't) or was a slut (because, really, that one spoke for itself).
So he slammed the locker closed and draped his McKinley jacket over her shoulders before she could refuse (because she would have). She looked up at him and smiled and put her tiny arms into his big sleeves. And so maybe his stomach clenched a little at the way she looked sort of fragile even though he knew that as a general rule she wasn't. Maybe.
He helped her zip up the jacket because she was shaking too badly to do it herself, and he was just so not feeling like a badass that it wasn't even funny. And then instead of taking off at a run and trying to forget that she even existed like he kind of wanted to, he put his arm around her shoulders as they walked off to see Figgins. He figured it was that alpha male protective instinct that she sometimes blabbered on about in Glee club when she thought people were actually listening. But, really, it didn't matter why he felt like his stomach was tied in a bunch of knots, and it didn't matter why he wanted to beat the shit out of every single stupid kid who might even look at her the wrong way. What mattered was that he could easily tell himself that this was all laying the groundwork for a night of passionate sex with the Jewish virgin singing chick who everyone thought was uptight. He would be even more of a legend than he already was.
Yeah, that was definitely what it was.
She looked like she wasn't wearing anything under his jacket, which made Puck laugh but which was also totally going to make a reappearance later on in his dreams or his spank bank or both.
And then she took a deep breath and he tried to walk faster because he knew she would start talking in a few seconds and would never ever stop, but she pulled him to an abrupt halt and looked up at him with this really annoying determined face. He had missed his escape window, and now he was doomed.
"Before we go into principal Figgins' office, I would just like to say that you have been a perfect gentleman to me today, and I am very sorry if I offended you by breaking up with you in the manner in which I did. I thought that honesty would be the best way, and perhaps I was mistaken, but nonetheless I am happy that you have decided to forgive me and that you have helped me out because, and I am entirely aware of the irony that is inherently present in the fact I am about to admit to…" she took another deep breath and finished, "if not for you, I would still be in that bathroom stall, crying my eyes out."
His natural reaction was to want to say something mean and push her away so she wouldn't get the idea that he was, like, the kind of person who did this stuff often, but he didn't. How could he? She was looking all fragile and vulnerable and naked in his jacket, and her face was all sticky from the slushies and…shit, he sorta liked her, didn't he? Glee club had changed him a little, as much as he hated to admit it.
"Anytime, Berry," was what he said eventually once he regained the use of his vocal cords.
She smiled, and it sort of reminded him of when she and the other chicks did that awesome mash-up of those two songs while they were buzzing on decongestants. It was that same frantic, manic smile that scared the hell out of him and turned him on at the same time. Like, he could just imagine how freaky she would be in bed if she was on that stuff when they were doing it.
They stopped outside the door to the principal's office, and they could see that Mr. Schue was inside with Miss Pillsbury, and thank God coach Sylvestre wasn't there because she scared the shit out of him and he was not ashamed to admit it. That lady was insane.
Then Rachel surprised him by shoving him back (and, okay, he was like a brick wall usually, but he wasn't expecting her to go all psycho on him) so they were out of view of the three adults in the office. She looked up at him and exhaled heavily.
"For the purpose of this deception I would like to know if it would be acceptable for me to pretend that we are still romantically entangled. Mr. Schuester knows that I have been on the receiving end of many of your slushy attacks, and I don't think he will trust you to escort his star performer home if he does not think that you are harboring a desire to be my shining knight in white armor."
"I think it's knight in shining armor," he said (and holy shit, did he just correct Rachel Berry?).
"Oh. Knight in shining armor. Obviously, I have not had one before."
That made him feel kind of bad even though she said it like it was a joke, because she totally deserved to have a knight in shining armor more than any other girl in the school except maybe Quinn who really needed someone who could take care of the baby. So he sort of leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead like she had done to him when he told her that he was choosing football over Glee (even though he hadn't). And if he made sure that no one was in the hallway to see them before he did it, that was only because he wanted to make sure that he wouldn't leave her open to attack. It was totally not because he was afraid his reputation would suffer. He was Noah Puckerman, and he was not afraid of anything.
But Rachel tasted like cherry slushy, which was awesome because that was his favorite. And it also reminded him that he still wanted to lick the slushy juice off her legs, even though her legs looked mostly purple and he hated grape.
"Rachel Berry, I will totally be your knight in shining armor and fake boyfriend for five minutes," he said seriously. She grinned that manic grin again, and squeezed his hands in hers, and he almost leaned forward and kissed her but stopped himself just in time.
"Thank you, Noah. Again."
He liked how she didn't sound at all surprised like Quinn had when he'd offered to help her pay for his kid's medical bills. He liked that she kind of just accepted that he wasn't as big a dick as he acted. It was cool, because everyone assumed he was a jerk, but Rachel assumed that he wasn't. Rachel who, out of everyone in the entire world, had the most reason to hate him.
She grabbed his hand with that freaky determined expression on her face again.
And then she burst into tears.
For like three seconds he was thinking, are you serious? And he was thinking fuck, I hope she's not pregnant too but how cool would it be if Finn got her knocked up and I knocked up Quinn and it would be like…, but then she winked at him and he realized that she was acting.
"You are a fantastic actress," he said lamely (trying to ignore the brilliant smile he got in response) before he decided to put on his best scary face. She wasn't the only one who could lie her way out of school. Or out of going to temple or football practice or any of the family gatherings that involved spending time with his uncle Ronnie and aunt Jean. Puck didn't like to brag about things that weren't football or sexual awesomeness, but he was an amazing liar. And in cases like the one he was currently in, lying was pretty much the same thing as acting. He and Rachel were going to totally rock it, hard.
He slammed open the outer door to the office and pulled Rachel in after him. Mr. Schue immediately got all freaked and hurried over to intervene because he seemed to think Puck was, like, dragging her in against her will or something.
"Mr. Puckerman," Figgins said with alarm. "Please release Miss Berry at once!"
Rachel cried louder in response, her arms wrapping around Puck's waist. She buried her face in his chest and he tried not to be too obvious about the fact that he was totally turned on by both her aptitude (shit, a Rachel word) for bullshitting authority people and the proximity (and another) of her shaking body to his penis. Fortunately, his scary face and scary voice were passably similar to his sexually frustrated face and sexually frustrated voice.
"Release her? Dammit, Figgins, how about you let her go home! She's just been slushied in every color of the damn rainbow and those assholes weren't even recommended by the hall monitors!"
"Reprimanded," Miss Pillsbury offered helpfully.
"Yeah. That."
He was kind of getting into the whole protective knight shtick that he had to sell. Plus he had his arm around Rachel's back and was sort of pushing her into his body, which meant her boobs were all pressed against his stomach, and that was really hot. He also liked how Schue and Figgins looked all confused and shocked because it was really just priceless.
"I'm…I'm lost," Mr. Schue admitted. "Rachel, are you okay?"
"Am I okay? Am I okay? Look at me! I'm a laughingstock!"
She unzipped and flung open his jacket, and it was really hard not to hide the smirk that came over his face when he saw that the fluorescent lighting in this room was fucking awesome for the whole wet t-shirt thing.
"Look at her!" he said, gesturing in the direction of her boobs and trying to look like he wasn't doing it on purpose. Rachel renewed her tears and pulled the jacket closed with a dramatic flourish. One hand held it there while the other rested on Puck's arm. And then she reverted into this tiny, shaky shell and his anger was suddenly not so fake anymore. Dammit, he hated that he actually cared about Rachel Berry now, like just because she was hot and really easy to date he suddenly had to have feelings and shit.
"Due to their dissatisfaction with the endearingly unexpected romantic partnership that recently occurred between Noah and myself, the entire hockey team…"
"And a few baseball guys."
"And a few baseball players all came up to me in the hallway when I was at my locker and they bombarded me with slushies. There were at least fifteen of them. All at once. In full view of the entire school, including Mr. Greene who did absolutely nothing to defend me or help me once those horrid boys had finally left me."
Puck was surprised and a little angry at that part, but he didn't let it show.
"Absolutely nothing, Figgins!"
"And to make matters worse, not a single person was willing to risk social ostracism in order to help me clean myself off except for Noah, who graciously offered to drive me home so that I may shower and change my clothes before next period begins to save me from further humiliation. We are here to ask your permission so that we are not unfairly penalized for our absences from this period, due to these unfortunate circumstances. You will be glad to know that due to my fondness for the Glee club, I will not be planning on suing the school despite its blatant disregard for student safety; however, I do ask that Noah and I be excused with no further conversation on the matter."
Principal Figgins took a deep breath and reluctantly nodded. The poor bastard probably didn't have half an idea of what Rachel just said. Which Puck totally got. He pretty much caught the gist of the whole thing, but that was mostly because he already knew what had happened. Like what the fuck did 'ostracism' even mean?
"Fine, Miss Berry. Take all the time you need."
Rachel nodded curtly and without a thank you, then grabbed Puck's arm and hauled him out of the room, the very picture of righteous indignation (he pulled that out of his ass, and would be using it later to make her think he was smart, probably).
It was totally hot.
They headed down the hall to the front doors of the school, on the lookout for any unexpected slushy holders. They heard running feet behind them and Puck almost made a complete ass of himself by jumping in front of Rachel to protect her or whatever. But he didn't because Noah Puckerman would not be made an ass for Rachel Berry. It was just a fact.
And then he kind of felt like a jerk, but it was only Mr. Schue, anyway. So if she asked, he could definitely pretend that he had known all along.
"Puck, Rachel…okay, what's the deal, here? What's going on?"
Puck was a little annoyed because Mr. Schue was looking at Rachel like he was trying to say with his eyes: blink twice if Puck has a gun to your side or is threatening to kill one of your fathers or something. But then Rachel did something surprising and straightened herself up, put a hand on Puck's arm, and stamped her flat on the ground in this totally annoying way (which, interestingly, was not the surprising part).
"Mr. Schue, I resent the implication in your tone. The way I see it, there are two possible meanings behind that incredulity. One of them being that Noah and I faked this traumatic ordeal in order to skip class without consequences. To that, I reply that if you simply check Jacob Israeli's blog after third period when he has technical class, then you will see videos from several angles of the whole incident along with an ample commentary about the effects that the slushies have on the visibility of my breasts.
"What?" Puck and Mr. Schue asked together, and Puck liked how Schue sounded just as pissed as he felt. But Rachel, of course, wasn't finished. She was never fucking finished.
"The second implication I can discern from your tone is that Noah is somehow coercing me into leaving the school grounds under some sort of duress. To that, I reply that you should stop being so unfair to him, because Noah Puckerman is a lovely boy and the only person who was willing to help me after I was brutally attacked by fifteen boys in the school hallway. I hate to play the victim card, but it was a horrifying experience and I feel very unsafe, so being escorted home by the school's most perfect specimen of strength and brutality is the only way that I will be able to face the aftermath of this terrible day. Come on, Noah. I want to get home before this seeps into my pores."
Puck looked back at Mr. Schue and really just couldn't resist grinning a little. The poor guy just didn't know how to deal with her.
Not that Puck did either, or anything.
