5. Holiday Plans

It had been a month since the meeting, and Kyon had spent most of it as a veritable heap of anxiety. Nagato had reported more and more troop movements, the visitors had started sending small, inexplicable requests every so often (why did they want the Brigade to play basketball rather than baseball one day?), and the spontaneous tuxedo hadn't exactly been easy to explain to his parents, either. In fact, it was almost a perverse relief when the second hotel invite came in the post. At least now he had someone to demand answers from.

He couldn't help noticing that they'd abandoned the pretence of the summoning ritual.

This time, the meeting was in the hotel's penthouse. No witnesses to shady dealings there, I guess. The porter in the lobby greeted him like an old friend, complimenting him on his suit and effusively ushering him into the main lift, a wood-panelled affair that played the inevitable soft classical music as he ascended.

Said penthouse turned out to be rather different to the rest of the hotel – an airy quasi-Mediterranean affair with lots of colonnades and stained-glass windows. At the centre was an elaborate swimming pool with magnificently-carved marble statuary serving as fountains near the far end. Even discounting other rooms, the place seemed far too large for the rest of the building to support – something he really didn't want to contemplate too hard.

From a nearby pool chair, Shinji gave him a cheery smile.

"Hey again, Kyon. Got a chair for you over here – sit yourself down. I'm sure you've had a busy day."

The exhausted student nodded his thanks – Haruhi had taken an interest in cross-country running that day, and he'd had to fish poor Miss Asahina out of no less than three impressively tangled masses of thorny vegetation. He wandered over, but stopped abruptly when he rounded the side of Shinji's chair and saw just why the young god had such a huge grin on his face.

The red-headed girl, Asuka, looked up and gave a nonchalant "Hi there" before going back to work.

Kyon retreated hastily. "Oh, sorry, didn't realise you were... umm... busy. I can come back later, if you want, or..."

He bumped into something soft and warm, turned around, and saw a very naked Misato Katsuragi regarding him with an amused expression. "Oh, don't worry, we're pretty relaxed in terms of the formalities around here. Honestly, you're a teenager with access to the Internet. It's not like you've never seen breasts before. Now, sit yourself down – you look like you're about to keel over. I'll take your jacket."

The motherly words were delivered in a breathtakingly seductive tone, creating a cognitive dissonance that fused Kyon's beleaguered brain into an unresponsive mess. He didn't put up the slightest bit of resistance as the raven-haired woman skilfully peeled off the jacket and then gently but firmly frogmarched him to the pool chair, where a similarly clothing-devoid Rei Ayanami climbed into his lap and promptly fell asleep.

OK, Kyon, he thought to himself as his higher mental functions slowly resurfaced from beneath the sea of hormones, you've been in plenty of strange situations before. Being sexually harassed by the astral projections of extradimensional deities, though? Definitely a new one.

"Like the apartment, by the way?" Shinji asked genially. "We decided its existing state just wouldn't do, so we made a few modifications. The jacuzzi, by the way, will take you to another dimension – figuratively and literally."

"Very... umm... nice," Kyon managed. "Look, why did you want me here?"

The god clapped his hands. "Ah, yes, to business! The thing is, Kyon, that one of the missions we've been supervising went a bit tits-up. Idiot of a captain decided to play pirate with a transwarp gate. Very messy. Nothing to worry about, really, just a bit of a dimensional shockwave, but we think it'd be best for all concerned if Haruhi was distracted for the next week. Things could get... weird, and that's coming from a guy who has a few dozen eyeballs in his everyday form."

"I... see," he replied, trying to keep focused. Rei apparently liked to wriggle in her sleep, and it was proving most distracting. "What do you suggest?"

"Well, we've got several options. Misato, of course, suggested an orgy."

"A few basic techniques and the right cocktail of drugs, and she won't even know what planet she's on, let alone that it's getting hit by a ripple in the space-time continuum. Neither will you, for that matter." She studied his expression, and rolled her eyes. "High-schoolers. Spend the majority of their lives fantasising about things like this, but when you actually suggest it to them they look at you like you just asked them to publicly sodomise a chicken. Well, apart from that one guy for whom the situation was sort of reversed, but we don't like to talk about that. There are some things even the gods were not meant to know."

"Moving on," Shinji interjected hastily, "Rei's plan was to put her out of action with a minor illness. Some strain of the 'flu, wasn't it?"

"Influenza-B, to be specific," she said sleepily, leading Kyon to wonder just how long she had been awake. "Miss Suzumiya's biological structure indicates a mild immunity to that, which renders the possibility of complications setting in relatively unlikely. If it proves insufficient for our purposes, though, I can easily extend its effect."

The student nodded slowly. "That... might actually be a good idea. I don't like the prospect of dealing with Haruhi with cabin fever, but I think we can live with it. Probably. Any other suggestions?"

"Funny you should ask," Shinji replied, "because I had a little number of my own set up. Congratulations, Kyon, because you and your friends have just won the Canadian Grand Railway Hotels Tour contest, which technically doesn't exist until you give the go-ahead, but that's a minor detail. Private jet to Vancouver, and then a luxury train car of your very own all the way to Montreal, stopping off at five-star hotels in Banff and Toronto along the way. Trip of a lifetime, my friend, with opportunities for excitement, adventure, and, dare I say it... romance?"

Kyon's forehead creased. "We're still in the middle of the term, though. How are you going to deal with that?"

"Fire extinguisher leak. Should close the school for the appropriate amount of time, I think. Rest assured, I've covered all the angles. It's what I do, after all."

"Hey!" Asuka objected. "You never told him my plan!"

Shinji gave a tolerant smile. "You'll have to excuse my wife here. I love her dearly, but she does rather assume that any given problem can be solved by hitting the right person over the head with something metallic."

"That's not fair," she objected. "Sometimes you have to go for the kidneys. People wear helmets, remember?"

He sighed. "See what I mean? Anyway, all that's needed is for you to give the word, Kyon. Don't worry about your or Haruhi's parents, either – we took the liberty of buying up the businesses where they work a while back, and I'm pleased to report that they just won a couple of office lotteries. Paris and Kenya beckon, respectively. You needn't expect any trouble from the school board, either, for much the same reason."

"That... was not part of our contract," Kyon said coldly. Anger was good. Anger helped him concentrate.

"Oh, I'm sorry, do we have to ask permission to give you gifts? That's what this is, after all. Our way of saying 'thanks' for all your help. Where do you think all those bonuses and promotion opportunities were coming from? We're very generous to our friends, you know. It's our enemies who have to worry."

Even through the clouds of fear, exhaustion, and testosterone poisoning, the unspoken message was obvious. Don't be our enemy.

"Besides," Shinji continued, "there's so much more we could offer you. Rei, dear, I think we should give our guest a taster."

The blue-haired girl smiled, stretched, and changed. Suddenly, Kyon had a naked Mikuru Asahina resting on top of him.

The god sitting opposite him grinned. "Like it? That's not all."

He gestured, and Haruhi Suzumiya and Yuki Nagato stood where Asuka and Misato had been a moment before. Neither of them were wearing anything, either.

"Any desire, any fantasy you have can be fulfilled," Shinji continued. "We've seen you, Kyon. How you kept those pictures rather than deleting them. How you hesitate just a moment longer than you should when Haruhi decides to 'play' with poor little Mikuru. How you never reported that business with the computer club. You want this, Kyon. You know it, I know it. All you have to do is ally with us. No strings, no small print. That's it."

Kyon's mouth was open. He closed it.

"Anything… I … want?"

The god nodded. "Anything."

He shook his head. "This is a big decision. I need time to think."

Shinji smiled obligingly. The goddesses reverted to their original forms and Rei removed herself from his lap.

"Please, feel free. Just don't take too long – we need to be ready for the shockwave, remember?"

"Right."

Kyon walked slowly and carefully out of the room, feeling their eyes bore into him. He'd completely forgotten his jacket.


Once he was outside the hotel, Kyon hailed the nearest taxi. "North High School, as fast as possible."

The driver nodded, and he positively dived into the back seat. It took ten minutes to reach the bottom of the long path leading up to the school, and once the car had slowed to a halt, he leapt out, not stopping to pay the fare.

The driver's angry yells echoing in his ears, he sprinted up the slope, shoulder-barging through a small group of late-departing students. He slammed open the doors to the main building and took the stairs two at a time, hoping against hope that one of the Brigade had decided to stay after school.

Second floor. My stop. He staggered down the corridor, trying to ignore the burning sensation in his legs, shoved open the door to the SOS Brigade's headquarters, and breathed a sigh of relief. Nagato was sitting by the table, nose in one of her omnipresent books.

"Yuki!" he gasped.

She looked up. It wasn't often he used her first name.

"Yuki, it's those visitors. They've got my parents – hell, they've got half the town under their thumb, and they tried to bribe me. It doesn't matter how, what's important is that we have to get rid of them."

She kept staring at him. Her hair took on a bluish tinge, and her eyes became a deep shade of red.

"That's very interesting, Kyon," Rei Ayanami said.

Dark, rusted chains shot out of the ground, fastening themselves around his wrists and ankles. The air shimmered and the other three gods materialised, all of them wearing the expensive-looking formal garb from their first meeting.

Shinji clucked his tongue with disapproval. "Bad call, kid, bad call indeed. It was such a promising offer, too. Matter of fact, I'm rather curious. Why did you turn us down?"

"My friends will-"

"… not be coming," the god finished for him. "We've cut this place off from the rest of your universe, and covered our tracks quite tidily, though I do say so myself. Wasn't easy, though – your friend Miss Asahina's organisation in particular has some pretty nifty equipment. Please, answer the question."

Kyon slumped his shoulders in defeat. "Two reasons, really. First off, I simply didn't trust you. We allowed you to send out the odd expedition through our universe, and you launched an invasion fleet whilst taking over our city from the inside. With me in your pocket, who knows what you could have done? Subverted the Integrated Data Entity? Weaponised Haruhi? Even your existing foothold is much too large to be safe."

Shinji nodded to his companions. "Told you he was smart. What was the other reason?"

"The thing was, I knew that there was one thing you were telling the truth about – you could give me anything I wanted. Anyone, too. I've seen you in action – you're big on getting the consent of those you deal with, but you're not so fussed about how. Any form of manipulation is fair game. With your help, I could have turned any given person into my willing slave, and you would have let me. You were right – I'm no saint. In the past, I've acted in ways that I later regretted, and I'll… I'll probably do it again. You, though – you would take away every restraint I still have. I've seen where that path leads. This world doesn't need a second Haruhi, especially not one controlled by you."

His captor considered this. "Well, I'm sorry you think that way. Can't say I didn't consider the possibility, though – thought you might be too weak to handle a bit of real power. Kyon, meet your new little brother."

The air shimmered again, and Kyon found himself looking at… himself, in a slightly battered North High School uniform.

"The wonders of Warp-powered cloning, eh?" Shinji said conversationally. "This charming chap will be filling in for you while we take you back to our place for a bit of… re-education. Kyon Junior, say hi to the nice young man."

The clone stepped up to him and sank his fingers into his skull. There was no pain – just an odd, tingling sensation. Eventually, the fingers were withdrawn, and the bizarre apparition stared at his progenitor for a moment.

"These memories… what a dull, repressed little child you are, brother," he said at last. "Such a waste of your true potential."

Kyon snarled, and was met with a mocking smile.

"You done, kid?" Shinji asked the clone. "Good. Run along and play now. Time's a-wasting."

"Of course, Lord Tzintchi." As he reached the door, he turned back to Kyon. ""Never fear, brother. I shall endeavour to rectify your mistakes."

The student gazed levelly at his captors. "They'll know. He won't be able to hide what he is forever."

"You're probably right," Shinji agreed. "Good thing he won't have to. Time flows differently between the dimensions – you could spend months as our guest, and only a few days might pass here. Speaking of, let's get going. No sense in hanging around."

A choking, invisible pressure wrapped itself around Kyon's neck, and he was lifted off the ground, the chains shattering beneath him. Darkness closed in around the edges of his vision, and he lost consciousness.


The gods gathered around his unconscious body.

"Was the Darth Vader shtick really necessary?" Asukhon asked. "You could have killed him."

Tzintchi shrugged. "One has to bring a certain measure of style to these matters, yes? Besides, who's the experienced telekinetic here? He was never in any danger. In fact, given his… special properties, I doubt that he would have died even if I wanted him to."

Mislaato raised an eyebrow. "It's confirmed, then?"

"Oh, yes. You saw the readings – Haruhi may be the unquestioned god of this realm, but who do you think created it in the first place? It's rather unlikely that she imprisoned herself, no? I suspect that our pal Kyon will come in handy for rather more than pacifying some brat of a godling."

Asukhon perked up. "Does that mean what I think it means?"

He smiled thinly. "Yep. No restraints. Though I dislike unnecessary cruelty-"

She sniggered. "Liar."

"-the stakes are simply too high for us to worry about the wellbeing of one person," he finished. "Right. Home we go, then."

There was one last shimmer, and all four gods and their captive vanished as if they had never existed.


Author's Notes: Well, the butterfly has flapped its wings in a most definitive manner. To be honest, it was this chapter in the original story that rather irritated me. I just couldn't see Kyon going along with the gods' offer, and it didn't help that by that point I was kind of itching for something to not immediately go the smug gits' way, either. Still, they do have the Old Gods on their side, and that means contingency plans out the wazoo. Let's see just how well they work out, hmm?

See you next week!